Morte La Montreal, Part the Seventh: "Homecoming" By wierdgrrl wierdgrrl@hotmail.com Synopsis: The final installment in the Morte La Montreal series. Everyone is quite relieved to get back to Lawndale. Your basic ensemble farce plot… EXT. SHOT: CHATEAU ROXBURY MUSIC: "Not My Idea" by Garbage INT. SHOT: DARIA/JANE'S HOTEL ROOM (Daria is in her hotel room, packing up to leave. She's on crutches, with one arm in a sling. She folds the last shirt and slams the suitcase shut, satisfied. We suddenly hear a loud pop, followed by a crash from the bathroom.) JANE: (OS) DAMMIT! (Daria rushes in, to find Jane sprawled on the floor. Clothes are all around, and her suitcase has a hole busted through it. She's rubbing her head, in pain.) DARIA: Dare I even ask? JANE: I couldn't get it shut, so I figured brute force was the best method. DARIA: I guess not. How are you going to haul everything back to America with a hole in your luggage? (Trent walks in and wordlessly tosses Janie a garbage bag.) JANE: Does that answer your question? (Wordless stare from Daria. Trent just laughs/hacks.) TRENT: Janie does this every time she travels. I've gotten used to it. (Enter Mr. O'Neill.) ONEILL: Just reminding everyone we board the bus in 10 minutes- (stops and sees Daria's general state of injury) My goodness, Daria, what happened? Do you want to- talk about it? (Everyone looks at him in disbelief, then resumes packing without responding. O'Neill leaves. Everyone waits a beat, then bursts into hysterical laughter.) COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Everyone having hysterics at O'Neill's oblivion. 1.) Daria and Jane sit on a crummy hotel bed. Daria is not bandaged, and is back to her normal skirt, rather than the Alternapalooza getup plus jacket she's been sporting for this series. Jane is also back to her normal duds as well. JANE: We'd like to take the first commercial break of the season finale to give a public service announcemen- (Jane is cut off by an off-screen voice interrupting her.) OS VOICE: Hey! That's copyright infringement! Where's this wierdgrrl character? I've got a lawsuit for her! (A tallish girl with ear-length brown and purple hair, cat's eye glasses, and wearing jeans and leopard-print button-down shirt comes on screen.) GIRL: Oh, shut up, Crazy Nutso, and let the girls finish! I was afraid of this so I obtained a signed affidavit that this PSA will have no mention of Trent Lane, drinking, sex, drugs, or rock and roll. Am I excused? CN: I guess. WIERDGRRL: Very well. (beat, turns to Daria and Jane) What was this PSA supposed to be about, anyway? DARIA: The abundance of commercials in tonight's fanfic. WIERDGRRL: Oh yes, carry on. (walks off-screen) JANE: Anyway, you will recall this is a finale. Since more people will be reading, the author feels it necessary to cram schlock down your throat- WIERDGRRL: (OS) Watch it. DARIA: No matter that she isn't even paying us or getting paid to do this, therefore why would she need any advertisements mucking up this already mediocre at best fanfic- WIERDGRRL: (OS) That's enough! (One of those "Technical Difficulties: We'll Be Right Back" screens goes up. Random cartoon fight noise can be heard, finally ending with "Oh, mighty Christ, just cut to a real commercial!") 2.) That Aiwa ad with the guy turning up his stereo and looking off a balcony, and then we see a girl by the pool below give him the thumbs-up. I love that song!! 3.) That Snickers ad with the panda. 3 words: "Sexual Harassment… Pan-da! 4.) Hmm… I think an ad for A Perfect Circle's album. Yes, I'm aware that they're neo-metal for the middle-school aged, quote unquote nonconformist, but I like it anyway. END COMMERCIAL BREAK EXT. SHOT: BUS MUSIC: "Come Original" by 311 (Everyone's loading their stuff into the luggage compartment on the side of the bus. Trent is carrying his stuff and some of Daria's. Jesse has his, and the rest of Daria's. Quinn is having her luggage and herself carried by 3J. Ms. Li is slinking behind them, looking very un-chipper indeed.) LI: Now I won't be able to afford those surveillance implants for the students thanks to that anti-establishmentarian… (Everyone is now on the bus. Mr. O'Neill stands at the front.) ONEILL: Okay, is everyone on the bus? TRENT: Janie isn't on yet, Mr. O. ONEILL: Oh dear. JESSE: There she is over there! (Cut to Jane running towards the bus, garbage bag in tow. Scene breaks away to reveal thumbtacks on the sidewalk. A pair of Docs run over them, followed by a loud ripping noise…) (Cut back to everyone sitting inside the bus. All of a sudden they hear…) JANE: (OS) AAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SCENE: BUS MUSIC: "Hush" by Kula Shaker (Brittany and Kevin are sitting together. Kevin's singing…) KEVIN: Na na na na na na na, na, na! (Brittany is slowly growing very steamed as Kevin continues to butcher the song. Finally she bolts upright and collars him.) BRITTANY: Now you listen, you annoying excuse for a human. I have had to listen to you butcher my favorite bands so badly, I don't know if I'll ever feel the same way about them again, all through this trip! Now I've had enough! And I'm sure Mack has, too! (OS sound of Mack weeping with joy.) KEVIN: But baaa-aabe, I was- BRIITANY: (really vicious now) SHUT UP! Shut. Up. No more singing. Not now, not on this bus ride, not EVER! As a matter of fact- (Brittany gets up, pulling Kevin behind her towards the back of the bus. She opens the door to the bathroom and shoves him inside, then slams the door.) (Silence, then thunderous applause from everyone. Ms. Barch gives a whistle. Jane tosses Brittany a bungee cord, which she uses to hold shut the door. Brittany curtsies.) (Suddenly Mack leaps over his seat and hugs Brittany.) MACK: Thankyouthankyouthankyou… (Daria and Jane sit in their seats, laughing.) JANE: I can tell this is gonna be a fun ride already. COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: BRITTANY COLLARS KEVIN. 1.) This being the last commercial break of this series, I do believe it's… RECAP FUN TIME! 2.) Saucony bouncing shoe ad. 3.) Sexual Harassment Snickers Panda ad. 4.) Aiwa girl-by-the-pool ad. 5.) Aiwa dancing chicken carcass ad. 6.) The ever-lovin' whiteboy on the escalator ad. 7.) And just to make it like every other ad break on TV… Everyone in colored denim aping West Side Story. One thing I don't get is, they're supposed to be big tough guys, but I just gotta say "Far too much dancing, not nearly enough prancing." "A little mincing would be nice…" (gotta love Simpsons quotes. There's one for every occasion. END COMMERCIAL BREAK SCENE: INT. BUS (The bus is topped, as they have reached the border. An unfamiliar Mountie is attempting to make an announcement to the young 'uns. The kids all look weary, as if he has gone over this many, many times.) MOUNTIE: Now, we have reached the Canadian border. If you have fireworks, weapons, drugs, alcohol, or fresh fruit, please keep quiet about it! Now, let me tell you what to keep quiet about. If you have produce of any kind- (An unfamiliar English boy speaks up.) BOY: We already done this, Officeri. MOUNTIE: We've already done fresh fruit? BOY: Yes, don't you think we should move on to weapons, like pointed sticks? MOUNTIE: Oh, getting all high and mighty are we? Too good for fresh fruit? Well, when you or one of your ruffian friends is arrested wielding a piece of fresh fruit like a homicidal maniac, don't come crying to me! Now, what about firearms? ALL: We done them! MOUNTIE: (puzzled) Very well… well, what about drugs? ALL: YES! MOUNTIE: All the drugs? BOY: (stands) Yes, you told us not to let them see any of the major narcotics- MACK: Opium, Heroin, morphine, and methadone for good measure- BOY: Stimulants- JANE: Cocaine -both regular and crack form- , speed, crystal meth, free-base, Ritalin, Dexadrine- BOY: All forms of cannabis- TRENT: Marijuana, hashish, and any food containing said substances, such as hash brownies- BOY: Not to mention any drug paraphernalia- DARIA: Pipes, rolling papers, water pipes, syringes, spoons, matches, lighters, straws, razor blades, and mirrors. MOUNTIE: Very well. Well, did I already discuss fresh fruit? ALL: YES! (Sandi, bored, is checking her reflection in a mirrored compact. The Mountie catches on to this, and storms to the back of the bus, collaring her.) MOUNTIE: HAH! I guess some of you aren't as slick as you thought! She's obviously a drug addict, she'd blow away in a high wind! SANDI: What? I command you as president of the Fashion Club to let me go! MOUNTIE: What? I didn't vote for you! SANDI: You don't vote me in! MOUNTIE: The how did you become president! SANDI: The Lady Of The Mall… bestowed upon me this compact from the bosom of Cashman's… commanding me to preside as President of the Fashion Club! (smirk form Quinn.) (All of a sudden two U.S. cops show up.) LI: Oh great… COP #1: We are interested in the whereabouts of Ms. Angela Li. DEMARTINO: SHE'S your man. (points at Ms. Li) COP #2: (yanks her up and turns her around to cuff her)You're under arrest for grand high embezzlement of funds exceeding 50 thousand dollars. LI: This is outrageous… etc. (being led off the bus by the first cop) COP #2: And you! (Cut to the back of the bus, where the Mountie is still carrying on with Sandi.) MOUNTIE: You really think you acquired some bureaucratical power from some retail wench lobbing a mirror at you? SANDI: Just go away! (The Mountie looks up as the cop comes down the aisle.) MOUNTIE: Yes? COP: You're under arrest for impersonating a Canadian Mounted Policeman. (He drags the "mountie" off my his ear.) COP: (to Sandi) Dreadfully sorry. (Cop turns to bus driver and apologizes so we can't hear him. Then turns to everyone else.) COP: Really, dreadfully sorry. You may continue on your way, and ride to… (trails off, as he doesn't know where they're going) ENGLISH BOY: (stands) CAMELOT! (Everyone stares at him strangely, like "Who is this guy?") BOY: (looks embarrassed) On second thought let's not go to Camelot. 'Tis a silly place. (sits) [1] (Fade to black, to reveal white letters that say…) 4 HOURS LATER… MUSIC: "I'm Going Home" from the Rocky Horror Picture Show Soundtrack (Everyone trudges off the bus, weary.) (Quinn and Daria walk off the bus.) QUINN: Where's Mom? DARIA: Yeah, where is she? TRENT: I'll give you guys a ride home. JANE: If you can get Max off the Tank, that is… (Max is on the roof of the Tank, kissing it.) MAX: My baby, you're finally home… (A creeeaaakk can be heard, at which point the roof caves in.) MAX: (inside van) OWW! (The van pulls up to Daria's house, and Quinn gets out. Daria starts to, but Trent grabs her arm) TRENT: Hey, Daria… DARIA: Yes, Trent? TRENT: Thanks… for understanding. (They kiss. Daria blushes) DARIA: Um, well I better go. TRENT: See you later. (She goes inside the house.) JANE: So are you too going out yet? TRENT: Well, not officially, but… you know. (Daria and Quinn step into the kitchen, where Helen and Jake are having coffee.) HELEN: Oh, we didn't expect you home so soon. How was you trip? (Daria and Quinn look at each other and wordlessly turn around and walk out.) HELEN: Oh why do I even bother? SCENE: FRONT OF LLLLLLLLAWNDALE HIGH (Sandi's mom is standing around, calling for her.) LINDA: Sandi? Sandi? Sandra Elaine Griffin, where the hell are you? KEVIN: (muffled, from bus) Hello? Hello? QB-related mishap! ROLL CREDITS AND ALTER EGOS MUSIC: "Knights Of The Round Table" song from Monty Python and the Search For The Holy Grail. FOOTNOTES [1] This entire scene is a Monty Python spoof. The drug bit is taken from And Now For Something Completely Different adapted from the "Self-Defense Against Persons Armed With Fresh Fruit" sketch. I used drugs because I couldn't think of a way to relate Sandi's emaciatedness to fruit. The unfamiliar English boy's "Camelot!" line is from Search For The Holy Grail.