Morte La Montreal, Part the Fourth:  “A Blight At The Roxbury”
by wierdgrrl
wierdgrrl@hotmail.com

Synopsis:  A night at the hotel ballroom brings chaos, the spilling of 
secrets, and SNL cameos!

Intro:  Instead of the usual, we are treated to a new one, to “Sweet ‘69” by 
Babes In Toyland; and the intro is in the tradition of MMST series, with 
teaser scenes.

 Upchuck walking with 3J into the red light district, as CLOSED 
signs appear in the windows rather quickly.

 The Fashion Club shivering in the cold, wearing miniskirts.

 Trent opening his guitar case to find a folded piece of paper, 
which he opens and looks stunned.

 The Fashion Club sliding by Jane and Daria across the ice, and Jane 
and Daria wince as if the FC got seriously hurt.

   Daria walking down a snowy road in the night, with her thumb out.

 The Fashion Club standing around looking cold.  All of a sudden 
they get smacked in the back of the head with snowballs.  Cut to Daria and 
Jane smirking.

 Daria logo on ice blue background, close-up and then pan out to 
read, “Daria in ‘A Blight At The Roxbury.’”

SCENE:  NEW HOTEL-CHATEAU ROXBURY (your basic upscale swank hotel)

SHOT: INT. JANE AND DARIA’S ROOM

(Jane and Daria are just hanging out.  Daria is in her “eating away at my 
soul” pose on the bed.  Jane is painting a picture of Trent with two faces, 
one nice and one mean.)

DARIA:  I wonder if he’s checked his guitar case yet…

JANE:  Oh, um, yeah.  Guitar case.

DARIA:  (leaps up)  I’ve got to take my mind off this.  Let’s go to the 
hotel ballroom.

JANE:  Doctor, I’m afraid the fever’s gone to her brain, we’ll have to 
operate immediately.

DARIA:  I’m so sick of waiting like this, I’ll do anything to distract 
myself. (beat) Hey, what’s that your painting?

JANE: (quickly) Nothing. (beat) Well, what are we waiting for?  Let’s go!

(Cut to Quinn’s room.  The Fashion Club is picking out clothes for the 
night’s  festivities.)

SANDI:  It was such a good idea to go to the hotel ballroom, Quinn.

QUINN:  And it was even better of you, Sandi, to agree with me.  You’re the 
best.

SANDI:  No, you.

QUINN:  (VO) I hope Trent remembers we’re meeting there tonight.
.
(Cut to Trent’s room.  He’s wearing the outfit he wore clubbing in “Where 
the River Shallows.”  And he’s singing as he shaves.)

TRENT:  “If you don’t have a car, or your current car sucks, go to Happy 
Herb’s with a few thousand bucks…”(1)

JESSE:  What are you so cheery about?

TRENT:  I’m meeting someone at the hotel ballroom tonight.

JESSE:  (beat) Cool.

SCENE: HALLWAY IN CHATEAU ROXBURY

MUSIC: “Resignation” by Reef

(The Fashion Club walks in a row to the Hotel Ballroom.  Sandi is wearing a 
black one-shoulder long dress with a horizontal triangular cutout across her 
stomach, and black stilettos.  Tiffany is wearing a zebra print strappy 
dress that comes to just below knee length with a flared skirt, and black 
stilettos.  Stacy is wearing a celery green mini-dress with the thinnest 
spaghetti straps imaginable, a sparkly tulle skirt and a small wire and 
gauze butterfly is attached to the bottom of one strap [think fairy 
princess].  She is wearing silver stilettos.  And Quinn is wearing a black 
v-neck ¾ sleeve sweater with an ice-blue ballgown skirt.  We can’t see her 
shoes.)

(They enter through the large double doors.)

QUINN:  I’m going to find some guy to get me a soda.  (runs off)

SANDI:  I wonder where she’s been going on our outings lately.

TIFF:  Yeahhh.  That’s soooo wrong.

SANDI:  God, all the guys here suck.  Come on, let’s just dance with 
ourselves.

(They begin to dance side by side, in an obviously practiced routine.  It 
can best be described as…

1.) Right arm in front, both arms overhead and a twirl.
2.) Left arm drawn in front of them sideways.
3.) Link arms, and slide right foot forward, and then kick up with left 
foot.
4.) Turn in the opposite direction and curtsy to the crowd that has 
gathered, who applaud.

(Meanwhile, Quinn is dancing with Trent, of course.  They smirk in the FC’s 
general direction.)

TRENT:  Dare I even ask?

QUINN: (snorts) Oh, they saw Never Been Kissed and got inspired.  I had to 
learn six of those Tommy Tune numbers.

TRENT:  (hack/laugh) Good one, Quinn. (beat) You seem shorter than usual.

(Quinn wordlessly lifts her skirt to reveal a pair of sky blue sneakers.)

QUINN:  You can’t see my shoes in this skirt, and from all the heels I’ve 
been wearing on this trip, I’ll be walking like Barbie for a week.

(Trent smiles as they dance on.)

SCENE: HALLWAY OUTSIDE BALLROOM

(Daria and Jane arrive.  Daria is in the same outfit she wore in “Where the 
River Shallows”, but Jane  has the same dress as Sandi (!), though she is 
wearing fishnets and her Docs with it.  Daria has put her hair up as well, 
and is wearing her contacts.)

DARIA:  I wonder where Trent and Jesse went.

JANE:  Jesse fell asleep while I was getting ready, and as for Trent, I’m as 
puzzled as you.  Want me to get some sodas?

DARIA:  Go right ahead.  I’m going to the little girls’ room to powder my 
nose and check the seams in my nylons (2).

(Cut to the bathroom.  Daria is in a stall, though we only see her shoulders 
on up.  She stands back up when we hear two sets of footsteps coming in, and 
voices.)

VOICE #1:  I don’t know what I should do, Jodie.

(It’s Quinn and Jodie talking.)

JODIE:  Well, you’ve gotta tell Daria.  Did you know about her feelings for 
Trent?

QUINN:  I had no idea.  But then neither did Trent-

(By this time Daria is breaking out in the mysterious rash.  The two voices 
fade into the background and Daria is looking pissed as that “I Hate You So 
Much Right Now” song comes on.  She opens the door to give Quinn a piece of 
her mind, but she’s gone.  Daria runs out and finds Jane waiting at the door 
for her.)

JANE:  Quinn has something to say-

COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: The FC sans Quinn doing their “Tommy Tune number.”

1.) That Saucony commercial with all the different colored tapping shoes is 
almost hypnotizing.

2.) Damn that catchy Meow Mix jingle… “It’s Baxter!”

END COMMERCIAL BREAK
.
SCENE:  CHATEAU ROXBURY BALLROOM

MUSIC:  “Save Yourself” by Stabbing Westward

(Now to resolve that annoying cliffhanger…)

DARIA:  Quinn has something to say?

JANE:  Yeah.  She’s over there… (points to behind Daria)

DARIA: (finishes sentence for her) With Trent?  Well, good.  I have a few 
things to say to her myself.

(As she whirls around, Quinn appears behind her.)

QUINN:  Daria, I know exactly why you’re upset, and-

DARIA: Quinn having a coherent thought?  Stop the presses!  Of course, even 
a two-year old would know why I’m upset!  My own leech of a sister, I mean 
cousin, isn’t satisfied with being waited on hand and foot by the Three 
Stooges, so she decides to go after another guy to peel her grapes for her!  
What’d you do to reel him in, Quinn?  Discuss the philosophical meaning of 
scrunchy colors?

QUINN:  (near tears) Daria, I didn’t know-

(Trent comes up behind Quinn)

TRENT:  What’s going on?

DARIA: Quinn, Trent, I will die perfectly happy if you never speak to me 
again.

(Daria turns on her heel and runs out.)

(silence from the entire room, and then the chaos bursts in.)

TRENT:  What the hell did you just do?

QUINN:  What the hell did I just do, what about you?

UPCHUCK:  Excuse me for butting in, Trent, but why not have them both? 
Rrrowwrr!

(Trent and Quinn look at one another and wordlessly smack Upchuck.)

QUINN:  That was great comic relief, but I’ve gotta find Daria!  (runs off)

[“What Is Love? by Haddaway starts up.]

(Cut to Daria running while blindly wiping away tears.  She falls to the 
ground, tearing her dress, and screams disgustedly.  She then gets back up 
and keeps running.)

(Meanwhile we see Daria from behind, Quinn’s view.)

QUINN: (OS) Daria!

(Still from her view, she has apparently smacked into someone wearing 
fuschia…)

(Yep, it’s the guys from A Night At The Roxbury.  They are jerking their 
heads to the music and turn around.)

QUINN:  Um, can you move?

(They start bumping her against each other with their chests.)

BOTH:  Me? Me? Him-him? Him? Me?

QUINN:  Aaack!  (runs off)

(The guys high-five.)

BOTH:  Oh yeah! Score!

(Upchuck sidles up to them, and they smile in recognition and resume 
head-bobbing.)
ROLL CREDITS AND ALTER EGOS.



FOOTNOTES:

(1) It’s the jingle Mystik Spiral wrote for Happy Herb’s Auto in “The 
Lawndale File.”

(2) See “I Don’t.”