Morte La Montreal Part the Second: “Where The River Shallows” by wierdgrrl wierdgrrl@hotmail.com Synopsis: Part the Second in the “Morte La Montreal” series. The Darians arrive in Montreal with one thing on their minds: having a good time. But when the Fashion Club arrives at the same club as Daria, Trent, Jane and Jesse, what happens then? Not what you’d expect, that’s for sure! Intro: Instead of the usual, we are treated to a new one, to “Sweet ‘69” by Babes In Toyland; and the intro is in the tradition of MMST series, with teaser scenes.  Upchuck walking with 3J into the red light district, as CLOSED signs appear in the windows rather quickly.  The Fashion Club shivering in the cold, wearing miniskirts.  Trent opening his guitar case to find a folded piece of paper, which he opens and looks stunned.  The Fashion Club sliding by Jane and Daria across the ice, and Jane and Daria wince as if the FC got seriously hurt.  Daria walking down a snowy road in the night, with her thumb out.  The Fashion Club standing around looking cold. All of a sudden they get smacked in the back of the head with snowballs. Cut to Daria and Jane smirking.  Daria logo on ice blue background, close-up and then pan out to read, “Daria in ‘Where The River Shallows.” SCENE: EXT. COACH BUS DRIVING ON HIGHWAY SHOT: INT. BUS (“Sweet ‘69” continues on.) (Kevin and Brittany sit side by side on the bus.) KEVIN: I get knocked down, but I get up again, you’re never going to keep me down… BRITT: Kevvy, could you please stop singing? KEVIN: Sure thing, babe. (A moment later, he begins humming it. Brittany scowls and takes out a Walkman. She turns it on and we hear “Tubthumping” by Chumbawumba. Go figure.) (In the back of the bus, Trent is strumming his guitar with his headphones on. We can faintly hear “Should I Stay Or Should I Go” by The Clash. Quinn comes up to perch on the seat’s armrest and bats her lashes at him.) QUINN: Hi, Trent. (Trent, oblivious to her, continues playing.) QUINN: HI, TRENT! TRENT: Huh? (removes headphones) Oh, hey. Daria’s sister. QUINN: (scowls) I have a name, you know. TRENT: Right, Daria’s sister. QUINN: QUINN. TRENT: Oh, right. QUINN: So you’re a musician? Wow, that’s really hot. Sandi says musicians are out this year, but I’m a rebel, you know? TRENT: (raises an eyebrow) Uh, right. Yeah, a rebel. QUINN: So, what’s that you’re playing? Wait. let me guess. It’s something by Blink-182, right? TRENT: (disgusted) No, that’s the Clash. QUINN: (ignoring him) –I just love them! The lead singer is so cute, with his squarish teeth and his spiky hair. Because when a guy does his hair like that, you can tell he cares about his appearance and that’s always a plus. (pause) But he’s nowhere as cute as you are, Trent. TRENT: How could you possibly confuse Blink-182 with the Clash? QUINN: (oblivious) But the drummer guy is really weird. He’s got all those tattoos, plus his hair is too spiky. I’d really feel weird dating a guy who spends more time on his hair than I do. Like, inacquiesced, or something. TRENT: (raving) They’re two completely different bands! They’re from two decades apart! Blink-182 isn’t even punk! (accidentally throws his guitar over the seats in anger) SANDI: (OS) OWWWWW! QUINN: (scared) Um, I’m gonna go now, bye! (As Quinn races to the bathroom, Daria arrives.) DARIA: Just to remind you, I’m absolved of confining you with lunatics. (Quinn in the bathroom. “Too Late” by No Doubt starts up as she starts talking to herself.) QUINN: What happened back there? Usually I don’t even have to initiate the conversation, and yet it was so obvious Trent wanted to get rid of me! (sighs) I’ve never felt this way about a guy before, not even Matthew! I’ve got to tell him how I feel! (bites lip) But how? (Cut to Daria with her headphones on. We faintly hear “Daria” by Cake. And we also hear her inner monologue.) DARIA: (VO) I wonder what happened with Trent and Quinn back there. I’ve never seen Quinn be even semi-civil to Trent before. (pause, and Daria’s eyes widen) She couldn’t… nah. If she is making a play for him, I don’t stand a chance! I’ve never even felt this way about a guy before, never mind not even having to initiate a conversation! (sighs) I’ve got to tell Trent how I feel. (wrinkles brow) But how? COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Trent nearly pissing himself as Quinn yells at him. COMMERCIALS: 1.) o/`What-rolls down stairs, alone or in pairs, rolls over you neighbor’s dog? What’s great for a snack, and fits on your back, it’s LOG LOG LOG! It’s LO-OG, LO-OG. it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood! It’s LO-OG. LO-OG, it’s better than bad, it’s good! Everyone wants a Log, you’re gonna love it, LOG! Come on and get your Log, everyone needs a Log, Log, Log, Log! o/` LOG, from BLAMMO! 2.) Hmm… I’ll throw in that Mr. Sparkle ad from the Simpsons. “I’m disrespectful to dirt! Can you see I am serious?” END COMMERCIAL BREAK SCENE: STILL ON THE BUS MUSIC: “Gangsta Trippin’” Fatboy Slim (Brittany and Kevin are still sitting. Kevin is singing again.) KEVIN: What we doin’ with-a, what we doin’ with-a, what we doin’ with-a Fatboy Slim… (Brittany grits her teeth and shudders.) BRITT: Kevvy, we discussed why you don’t sing when you’re on a bus with me… (Pan out to reveal Mack and Jody in front of them. Jody is asleep, but Mack had circles under his eyes and looks ready to kill. Kissing noises ensue from the seat behind him. Mack proceeds to bang his head against the seat in front of him repeatedly.) (Fade to black screen with white letters: 5 HOURS LATER…) (The students file off the bus. Kevin and Brittany look rumpled, Jane and Jesse are hauling Trent around in a “fireman’s carry”, and he’s asleep, per the usual. Daria looks tired, Mack looks absolutely haggard, and the Fashion Club looks meticuously groomed, except for Quinn, who has puffy eyes, as if she’s been crying.) STACY: (puts arm around Quinn) It’s okay, Quinn. Everyone breaks a nail now and then. QUINN: What? (catches on) Oh, right. Yeah, I’ll be okay. (steals a surreptitious glance at Trent) (Inside the hotel, Ms. Li is assigning rooms.) LI: Sandi Griffin, Stacy Rowe, Tiffany Blum-Deckler, and Quinn Morgandorffer; room 26. Trent Lane, Jesse Moreno, and Mr. O’Neill; room 27. Daria Morgandorffer, Jane Lane, Jody Landon, and Andrea Hecuba; room 28. Bed checks will be at 12:00 midnight, every night. Disperse! SANDI: Come on, you guys, we have to coordinate outfits for tomorrow. (Closeup on Quinn’s head among the FC. Here comes another inner monologue.) QUINN: (VO) Trent’s room is right next to mine! OmyGod, OmyGod, OmyGod! I’ve got to tell him by 1:37 tonight. Yes, 1:37, that’s a very good time (1). (She passes room 27 on the way to her adjacent room. Trent pokes his head out the doorway.) TRENT: Hey, Morgandorffer! QUINN: Hi, Trent. TRENT: (exasperated) Not you, Daria. (looks over Quinn’s shoulder) DARIA! Come hang in our room! Bring Janie! (Quinn sighs dejectedly, and goes into her room.) (Later. Trent, Jesse, Jane, and Daria are hanging out in Trent and Jesse’s room, wondering what to do that night.) JANE: So what do you propose, Trent? TRENT: Well, Jesse’s been here before, are there any good clubs to go to? JESSE: The only one close to here is L’ane Riche (2). It’s strictly Europop dance schlock, but it beats staying here. DARIA: Yeah, maybe we can get some pizza on the way back. (General agreement noises from everyone.) (Meanwhile, in Quinn’s room.) SANDI: So where are we going tonight? (Quinn is in the bathroom with her ear to the wall, listening in on Trent’s plans for the evening. She runs out of the bathroom.) QUINN: (faux nonchalant) I heard there’s this really hip club near here, L’ane Riche. Shalom was talking about it on Fashion Vision yesterday. SANDI: All in favor? (Stacy immediately raises her hand, and Sandi hesitates but follows suit, as well as Tiffany.) COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Mack slamming his head against the seat. I’ll slip in an ad for American Psycho and a breaking news bulletin about Elian Gonzales. Yes, that should do quite nicely. END COMMERCIAL BREAK. (The Tank pulls up to the front of the club and parks. The crew steps out of the van. Trent has on a variation of his usual, but the pants aren’t ripped and the tee shirt is covered with a navy blue gas station jacket. Jesse, of course, is sporting the leather, per the usual. Jane has a black 40s style dress, with a swirly skirt and a collar, with her Docs. And Daria has the “Looking Older” outfit from the Fashion Club paper dolls, as seen in the Daria Database.) TRENT: Ready? DARIA: Rarin’. (They venture forth, and Jane and Daria lag behind Trent and Jesse.) JANE: Ooh la la! You look fantabulous, dahling! DARIA: I hate you. JANE: No seriously, where did that dress come from? DARIA: I raided Quinn’s suitcase when the Fashion Gestapo went to the large mirror in front to primp. (As they walk away, A limo pulls up, and out goose-step the Fashion Club. Sandi has on a black spaghetti strap slipdress with black boa feathers across the scoop neckline (3), and black oil-striking stilettos. Stacy has a pale blue minidress with bell sleeves and white marabou trim on the sleeves and hem, with white vinyl Docs. Tiffany has the Oriental-themed outfit from “Just Add Water,” but Quinn is the most noticeably dressed, as she is straying from her usual. She is wearing a sleeveless hot pink top with a horizontal slit at the top [4], a black miniskirt, and black knee-high boots. She is also wearing heavy black eye makeup-think Shirley Manson from Garbage.) TIFF: I can’t believe someone stole your black dress. That’s soooo wrong. QUINN: Damn right! (VO) I know Daria took that dress, but I was going to say that anyway. I’m sure Trent will like this much better… I hope. (Trent, Daria, Jane and Jesse sit down at a table. “One Way Or Another” by Blondie is playing.) TRENT: Oh man, Jesse. You were right about the crappy music. (As Trent says this, Jane and Jesse get up and start dancing.) TRENT: Oh, I’ve lost him forever. He’s dancing. DARIA: I’m gonna go get us some pizza. TRENT: Thanks, I owe you. (Trent sits by himself, drumming his fingers on the table absentmindedly. Right on cue once more, Quinn comes up.) QUINN: Trent! Fancy meeting you here! TRENT: (grunts) QUINN: Sorry I ran off like that earlier. I didn’t mean to mix that up like I did. I don’t know much about music, but obviously you do. I really like a guy who’s got a talent. It’s really a weird coincidence that we’re both here, I mean… (Quinn’s voice fades into the background as we hear Trent’s inner monologue pipe up.) TRENT: (VO) Go away, go away, go away… QUINN: So do you want to? TRENT: (snaps out of it) What? QUINN: Dance! (Trent cringes, but complies. As they stand up, “Life In Mono” by Mono starts up. And here come the voice-overs once more…) QUINN: (VO) Thank you, God… TRENT: (VO) Help me, God… (Cut to Daria, in line at the snack bar. Said line is about 25 miles long. Daria sighs, looking annoyed.) DARIA: It’s gonna be a long night… (Back to Trent and Quinn.) TRENT: (VO) I can’t even believe I’m doing this. I should make conversation or something. TRENT: You dance pretty good. QUINN: Well, I’ve had the practice, you could say. (Trent steps on her foot) OUCH! TRENT: Sorry. I can’t say the same for myself. QUINN: It’s alright. It’s refreshing to be with a guy who doesn’t offer to carry me around the dance floor (makes retching noise and laughs). TRENT: I would have thought that was a real picnic. QUINN: Oh no, half the time I send them on a wild goose chase so they’ll leave me the hell alone! (They dance on.) TRENT: Hey, I’m sorry I blew up at you on the bus today. I get upset about musical issues. QUINN: That was understandable. We all have our passions. You have music, and I have fashion. It’s just who we are. TRENT: (smiles) You’re not as shallow as I thought you were. QUINN: (blushes) Thanks, I think. (Jane and Jesse dance by, and Jane gives Trent a look of confusion.) JANE: What the hell was that? JESSE: What? JANE: Shut up and dance. COMMERCIAL LEAD-IN: Quinn rushing from the bathroom. COMMERCIAL BREAK I’m not plugging any more products in this chapter of the series. Mostly because I can’t think of any. Yes, I know I’m lazy. END BREAK (Daria is still waiting to get that pizza when Jane rushes up, followed by Jesse.) JANE: This sucks, we’re leaving. DARIA: (Homer Simpson style) WOO-HOO! (composes herself) I mean, splendid. (Trent and Quinn are at Trent’s table.) QUINN: Well, I have to go, the Fashion Fiends are probably expecting me. TRENT: Yeah, here come Jane and Daria. QUINN: Hey, I’m gonna tell them I had too much to drink and go back to the hotel, (tenses up, then continues) wanna stop by my room later? TRENT: (thinks) Sure. (As Quinn leaves, Daria, Jane and Jesse show up.) JANE: Let’s go get some pizza, this blows. TRENT: Uh, yeah, okay. (Cut to Quinn’s table. The FC are discussing leggings, though we can only catch a few snippets as Quinn wobbles over.) SANDI: Well, hello, Quinn. You don’t look so good. QUINN: I don’t feel so good. (she wobbles a little more) SANDI: Maybe you should go back to the hotel. QUINN: Good idea. (Eyes widen, and she runs off with her hand over her mouth, but a close-up on her face reveals she’s hiding a smirk.) SCENE: EXT. SHOT: THE TANK INT. THE TANK MUSIC: “I Think I’m Paranoid” by Garbage (In the Tank, Jane looks worriedly at Daria, then looks away quickly as Daria turns to her. Close-up of Trent’s face as he drives. He’s got a goofy grin on his face. Suddenly, Jesse’s hands grab the wheel.) JESSE: Watch the road! TRENT: (snaps back to reality) Oh, right. (“I Think I’m Paranoid” continues as credits and Alter Egos roll.) FOOTNOTES: 1.) Yes, that’s a reference to Empire Records. 2.) “L’Ane Riche” means ‘the wealthy jackass” in French, and a reference to the animated series The Critic. 3.) I have a dress like this. 4.) Have you seen this trend? My friends and I refer to it as the “tit-slit.”