“Morte La Montreal” By wierdgrrl wierdgrrl@hotmail.com Note to the esteemed Mike Quinn: Being that this is a series, I am sending you each installment (seven in all) in a separate email. Just thought I'd clear that up. Synopsis: This is a series, in which the Darians go on a field trip to Montreal, and the usual hijinks ensue. Episode 1: “Morte La Montreal” Synopsis: A mandatory attendance field trip to Canada is on the horizon, and the Darians prepare for it in many different ways. And why are Trent and Jesse lurking about? ROLL OPENING THEME: “You’re Standing On My Neck” by Splendora. (Theme ends with Daria logo and text: Daria in “Morte La Montreal” SHOT: EXT. LLLLAWNDALE HIGH MUSIC: “Drain You” by Nirvana SPLITSCREEN SHOT: LLLLAWNDALE HIGH, MS. BARCH’S CLASS/O NEILL’s CLASS (In Barch’s class are Brittany, Daria, Jane, Andrea, Jodie and Mack. In O’Neill’s class are the Fashion Club, Brooke, Tori Jericho, and 3J. Barch and O’Neill speak simultaneously.) B/O: Now class, I have a very important announcement. During the two-week February break, Lawndale High will be going on a field trip to Montreal, Canada! (The split screen goes to just Barch’s class as we hear Kevin’s voice.) KEVIN: Like, do we have to go? (We now see he has been writing “I will not hang donuts from my person” on the blackboard [1].) BARCH: STOP SLACKING OFF! Ms. Li has informed me that attendance is voluntary as long as the student in question produces a doctor’s note from home. Now, it’s very cold in Canada, especially this time of year, but curiously only females seem to be affected by it. Males will need no more than a pair of Bermuda shorts and flip flops. Here are your permission slips, which you will… (Barch’s voice fades into the background as Daria and Jane begin talking.) DARIA: Great. I get to spend my escape from school with the people I intended to escape from. Some vacation. JANE: Yeah. We gotta go. KEVIN: Hey, Mack Daddy! We get to go on a bus! “99 bottles of BEER on the wall…” BARCH: SHUT UP, KEVIN! (returns to “normal”) Now, chaperones will be needed, so… JANE: My brother Trent and his friend Jesse can do it. BARCH: Thank you, Jane. JANE: You can thank me later, Daria. DARIA: (glares) LEADOUT SHOT: Slo-mo of Barch yelling. COMMERCIAL TIME! 1) I just love that new Sprite ad wherein the white kid is walking in a mall in a puffy coat, draggy baggies and unlaced construction boots, and he gets caught in the escalator and narrowly escapes it sans his pants. Something like that needs to happen to more deluded whiteboys, especially ones in the Southeastern CT area. 2) Hmmm… I’m gonna go with an ad for High Fidelity. I saw it this very night and it was really quite good. SCENE: EXT. SHOT CASA LANE MUSIC: “Hey Mr. Normal”- Mystik Spiral is practicing. SHOT: INT. CASA LANE: BASEMENT (Jane comes down the stairs wearing earmuffs and holding one of those air horn things.) AIR HORN: BWAAAAP! (Trent and Jesse abruptly stop playing and look up, surprised.) TRENT: Hey, Janie. JANE: (removes earmuffs) I’ll be blunt, Trent. The school is going to Canada on a field trip, and we need chaperones. I kinda already said you’d do it, so could you? TRENT: I dunno, Janie, we’ve gotta practice. Use the time off to our advantage. JANE: (irritated) You don’t even attend school! JESSE: Hey, yeah. She’s got a point. TRENT: What’s in it for us? JANE: You need to keep Daria and me from going insane. TRENT: Hmmm… JANE: You can irritate the hell out of Mr. DeMartino TRENT: Keep reading… JANE: (sighs) You can spread the fame of Mystik Spiral globally. JESSE: Wouldn’t that make us sellouts? JANE: (desperate, falls to her knees) PLEEASE! TRENT: Well, why didn’t you say so? (Jane slaps her forehead and storms back upstairs) SCENE: EXT. SHOT: CRANBERRY COMMONS SHOT: INT. CASHMAN’S MUSIC: “Violence “ by Bif Naked (The Fashion Club is milling around holding various clothes and talking) SANDI: I have reached a decision about the attire for the field trip next week. As you all know, looking good is much better in the long run than feeling good. Especially feeling good while looking like you’re wearing a Hefty bag. TIFF: Down coats are soooo wrong. SANDI: We will have to forgo the coats for the sake of our reputations, and martyr ourselves valiantly. TIFF: Oh no. Skirts… goosebumps. SANDI: Fashion sainthood… TIFF: Okay… I guess. SANDI: Now, as for the color scheme, I’m thinking… (Fade to black screen with white lettering: 1 WEEK LATER…) SCENE: EXT. LLLLAWNDALE HIGH MUSIC: “Guerilla Radio” by Rage Against The Machine (Daria, Jane, Trent and Jesse are milling aimlessly around. Trent is in his usual pants and shirt with a jacket over it. Jesse has his leather pants and a matching jacket. Daria has the Alternapalooza outfit on, with her normal jacket over it, and Jane is dressed normally, but with her jacket sleeves rolled down and wearing gray cargo pants.) (The FC, minus Quinn, is standing around looking bored. Sandi is filing her nails. She is wearing a long sleeved red shirt under a gray sleeveless hoodie and black cargo pants with gray sneakers. Tiffany is wearing a blue sweater with orange and white racing stripes and pale gray parachute pants with white sneakers. Stacy is wearing a pale blue fitted hoodie with pale pink marabou feathers around the hood part, light khaki wide leg cargo pants, and white Doc Martens. [2]) SANDI: (faux concerned) Gee, I wonder where Quinn is. STACY: She said last night that she had a headache. Maybe she’s sick. SANDI: (slight smirk) Really? That’s too bad. (Right on cue, Quinn shows up. She’s wearing a hot pink cropped hoodie over a white top, faded loose bell flare jeans, and hot pink sneakers. Sandi scowls.) SANDI: Why, Quinn, we were just wondering where you were. QUINN: I wasn’t quite done packing. TIFF: But like, where’s you’re luggage? You only have your purse. That’s soooo wrong. QUINN: (hollers over her shoulder) Bring it in, boys! (Enter 3J, all carrying a suitcase apiece.) 3J: Here you go, Quinn/I’ll carry your purse/I’ll carry you. LI: Okay, students, everybody on the bus. (looks strangely at someone off-screen, smirking) Kevin, is that all you brought with you? (Natch, Kevin has but a pair of Bermuda shorts and flip-flops.) KEVIN: Yeah, Ms, Barch told me guys are too manly to be cold, and whatnot. Hey Mack Daddy, why are you wearing a coat, bro? BRITTANY: I told you so, Kevvy! (hands him a bag) KEVIN: Awww, man! (puts on an “Stupid” tee shirt) Hey, Babe, where’s yours? BRITT: (looks upward, obviously lying) Oh, I must have left it at home. KEVIN: Oh, okay. (Brittany smirks and tosses an “I’m With Stupid” tee shirt into a trash can.) (As everyone boards the bus, Jane says something to Daria.) JANE: Hey, Daria, it’s a 10 hour bus ride, I hope you don’t get sick. KEVIN: (to Brittany) Hey Babe, that bathroom in the back will give us some alone time… DARIA: I think I’m getting sick already. END MUSIC: “Tomorrow Never Knows” by the Beatles, covered by Our Lady Peace. ALTER EGOS: SIMPSONS THEMED DARIA: Lisa Simpson JANE: Janie, a friend of Lisa’s UPCHUCK: Ralph Wiggum SANDI: Nelson Muntz MS. BARCH: Mrs. Krabappel MS. LI: Superintendant Chalmers MR O NEILL: Principal Skinner FOOTNOTES: 1.) Gratuitous Simpsons homage to Bart’s blackboard tradition. 2.) As displayed in my previous fanfic “Candy Girls”, I always describe the attire of the Fashion Club in detail. I enjoy deciding what the FC will be wearing, as making and altering my own clothes is a hobby of mine. AUTHOR’S NOTES: I had the idea for this series after I came home from the field trip to Montreal for our school’s French Club, figuring I could incorporate actual events into it involving the Darians. Crazy Nutso’s “Magical Mystik Spiral Tour” further inspired me as well. Also, I am aware that this is a rather short episode, but should be taken as an introduction of sorts.