My first attempt at Daria fanfic. Please be nice to me!!


MAY THE DETACHMENT BE WITH YOU
By Anastasia, the Daria from Down under

Disclaimer: Daria and all related indica are trademarks of MTV. The
Saga begins is copyright Al Yankovic, Don McLean and George Lucas. Hey,
c'mon, it's kind of obvious I didn't come up with Star Wars, American
Pie AND Daria by myself! I just wanna use them in my story, for cryin'
out loud!

SCENE 1. INTERIOR, DAY. JANE'S ROOM.
(The TV is on. Sick Sad World has just finished. Daria sits on the bed
reading while Jane paints some gory, depressing picture.)

TV PRESENTER: Hidden messages in their lyrics. Are the Spice Girls
trying to brainwash the youth of the world? When Girl Power goes to
far! All this and more on the next Sick Sad World!

(Daria turns off the TV.)

DARIA: Wasn't it obvious that they were doing that ever since they
became popular?

JANE (dryly): Yeah. Damn Spice Girls.

DARIA (Peeved, but still deadpan): I wish someone would bust their
prefab asses for crimes against humanity. It's a crying shame that
manufactured airheads like that are getting all the fame and glory,
while other real musicians are hard at work producing far more
meaningful songs. Like--

JANE: Like Trent, right?

DARIA: Shut up, Jane!

(Throws a pillow at her.)

JANE: I'll have you know that your so called "deep, meaningful
musician" has entered McGrundy's musical comedy contest this year.

DARIA: The one with those stupid novelty comic songs? I thought Trent
and Jesse hated those.

JANE: Eh, they've been thinking of expanding their repotoire. So far
they've only got songs that depress people. They thought Hell, why not
some music to make 'em laugh, too. Eventually they're gonna build a
whole Pandora's Box of tunes so they can toy with people's emotions.

DARIA (smiles): That's my Trent.

(Jane examines her painting tactfully.)

JANE: Hmmmm..... needs more blood. Aw, dammit, I'm out of red. Daria,
do us a favour and go downstairs to the closet next to the kitchen.
There's some red acrylic paint in there.

DARIA: Okay.

(She gets up and leaves.)

SCENE 2. INTERIOR, DAY. THE LANE BASEMENT.

(Trent and Jesse are lounging around. Trent gently strums his guitar.
Jesse examines a CD that Trent just bought- "Weird Al" Yankovic's
Running with Scissors.)

JESSE: I dunno, man. I suppose we could do a cover for the concert, but
won't that seem a little unoriginal?

TRENT: Jess, I don't think I have it in me to write a (shudders)
humourous song just yet. This is a good start for us. Besisdes, we can
spruce it up a little. Like, add some improvised solos, and dress in
funky costumes and stuff.

JESSE: Okay.

TRENT: So, which song d'ya wanna do?

(Note: sorry to all those who don't have Running with scissors!!)

JESSE: Uh..... how 'bout Grapefruit Diet? I like that one. Anyway,
Steve Perry kinda reminds me of you.

TRENT (increduosly): Jess, could you picture us doing swing?? Where
would we get the horns?

JESSE: Oh.... ummm.... good point.

TRENT: How about that first track, the Star Wars one? I like that, it's
good classic rock.

JESSE: About Jedi Knights.

TRENT: You know what I mean.

(Trent picks up his guitar and strums the first few chords of American
Pie, following the Yankovic lyrics.)

TRENT (sings):
A long, long, time ago... In a gala-(His voice cracks) In a galaxy far
away, Naboo was-(his voice cracks again) Dammit!

JESSE: What?

TRENT: I can't sing this song! It's too high for me!

JESSE: Oh- bummer.

TRENT (clearly disappointed): I would've loved to do that song. It's so
funny. I'm gonna go upstairs and get a Coke. Want one?

JESSE: Yeah.

(Trent leaves and goes into the kitchen. As he opens the fridge, he
notices that the radio has been left on. The introduction to the Verve
Pipe's The Freshman is being played. Trent is about to flick it off
when the singing tune starts. He is startled when he hears someone from
another room sing along casually. A female voice. Trent leaves the
radio and listens. The singer is obviously very talented. Her singing
is beautiful and lilting, yet powerful and emotional at the same time.
Like a Psiren, the voice draws Trent towards the mysterious singer
slowly. As he enters the living room, where the voice is coming from,
his eyes widen to see Daria is the singer. She is rummaging through a
closet as she wails away, oblivious to Trent standing behind her and
listening.)

(The song ends. Daria finally finds the elusive tube of red paint and
turns around, bang smack in front of Trent.)

DARIA (gasps): Trent!

TRENT: Daria... you have such a beautiful voice.

(Daria turns beet red.)

DARIA: Oh, uhm, thankyou- I guess...

(A smile creeps up onto Trent's lips as an idea hatches in his mind.)

TRENT: Daria, you know about the contest at McGrundy's next week...

DARIA: Yeah...

TRENT: Well, the song Jesse and I picked was too high for me to sing.
We're still keen on performing it, and I was wondering if you---

DARIA: ---Oh no, nu-uh, no way in Hell. I'm not the performing type.

TRENT: Oh, come on, Daria. You have a great voice. You should share it
with the world.

DARIA: Have I been known to share anything with the world?

TRENT: C'mon, Daria, it would be such a shame if nobody ever got to
hear that gourgeous singing again. It's so, uh, dulcet.

(Trent looks at her sweetly. Daria blushes again and lets herself melt-
just a little.)

DARIA: Well... let me think about it, Trent.

SCENE 3. INTERIOR, DAY. LAWNDALE HIGH- MISTER DEMARTINO'S CLASS.

DEMARTINO: ...so in conCLUsion, JOAN of Arc's LEGacy was not one of
reLIGion and military EXPloits. Can ANYone tell me her GREATer
influence on toDAY'S socIETY? BRITTANY!!

BRITANNY (Looks blankly at the teacher and twirls her hair): Uhmm, she
didn't get lots on animals onto a boat, did she?

DEMARTINO: BRITTany, once agAIN, your stuPIDity asTOUNDS me! Can ANYone
give me a REAL answer? DARIA!!

DARIA: In a hierachial, chauvanistic era, Joan of Arc stands out as one
of the most influential women because she had the courage to persevere
with her duty as a knight despite the fact she was only a 17 year old
girl. Even when she was accused of witchcraft and burned at the stake,
she stood by her loyalty to the French monarchy and Christianity. 

DEMARTINO: Very GOOD, Daria.

(The bell rings. The students rush out of class.)

JANE: Y'know, Daria, you could learn a thing or two from that Joan of
Arc chick.

DARIA: Excuse me?

JANE: The courage to stand up and lead armies in renaissance Europe,
the courage to sing for Trent and Mystik Sprial, you do the math.

DARIA: Jane, for the last time, there is no way I'm going to stand up
in front of a crowd of people and humiliate myself by singing some
stupid parody on Don McLean.

JANE: Oh, I know what your problem is. (raises a suggestive eyebrow-
both of them think the same thing- Trent.)

DARIA: Grow up. It's not Trent. I just... I just suffer badly from
stage fright, that's all.

JANE: Then how come you always recite those essays out in class? You
never have any trouble then.

DARIA: Yeah; that's because Trent's not there to see--- 

(Daria covers her mouth in shock of what she just let out.) 

JANE: Now we have it!! Look, what are you so afraid of? Trent said he
loved your voice. If anything, it should help you along the way. First
you're singing a "Weird Al" song for them at some concert, next thing
you know, you're doing love song duets with him... (playfully) who
knows where it could lead!

DARIA (sighs): Sometimes I think you're worse than Quinn.

(They stare at each other.They then shake their heads.)

BOTH: Nah.

SCENE 4. INTERIOR, DAY. THE LANE BASEMENT.

(Trent is strumming a few chords listlessly. The door is open. Daria
appears.)

DARIA: Can I come in?

TRENT: Sure.

(She descends the stairs and sits next to Trent on his old sofa.)

DARIA: I've been thinking about what you said earlier, about the comic
song contest and all.

TRENT (lightens): Oh?

DARIA: Yeah.... I've... decided to sing for you-- I mean Mystik Spiral.

TRENT: Oh, Daria, thank you so much!

(He hugs her. Daria gulps and tries not to blush. Over Trent's
shoulder, she sees Jane poke momentarily through the door and give her
a wink and a thumbs up sign. Daria frowns at her.)

TRENT: This is gonna be great. I've even got a costume for you to wear!

(He picks up a dress bag attached to a coathanger. Daria grins
expectantly, thinking it may be a flattering gown to knock Trent dead
in. She opens the bag and finds, much to her dismay, a tacky,
embarrasing looking Obi-Wan Kenobi costume. Her face deflates.)

DARIA: Oh....

TRENT: Cool, huh? I got it from a costume hire place in town. Thought
you should wear it coz, y'know, the song's from the point of view of
Obi-Wan.

DARIA (Even more deflated): Oh. (Then) Are you guys wearing costumes?

TRENT: Us? Nah. We want you to stand out.

DARIA: Oh, trust me. This outfit will really make me stand out.

TRENT (missing the sarcasm): Great. 

(He hands Daria the costume. She looks to the basement door for Jane,
who simply shrugs.)

TRENT: Well, rehearsals begin tomorrow evening at six. See you then.

DARIA: Yeah... bye.

(She leaves.)

SCENE 5- INTERIOR, NIGHT. MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE.

(The family is sitting down to dinner eating the famous lasanga.)

QUINN: ...and then Jeffy said that he had to cancel his date with me
too, so now I've only got five dates next week!!

DARIA: Gee. I wonder why he cancelled.

HELEN: DAria!

QUINN: It's not what you think. It's not that he doesn't want to see
me--

DARIA: Seeing you isn't the problem. It's listening to you that
repelled him

HELEN (more parental this time): DAria! Be nice to your sister!

QUINN: Anyway, I never see you hanging out with any guys... except for
that ugly guitar guy... Thomas, or whatever.

DARIA (venomusly): His name's Trent.

JAKE (worried): The rocker?? Has he been offering you drugs??

DARIA: Dad---

JAKE (hysterical): ---You haven't had sex with him have you?.... MY
GOD, YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!

HELEN: Calm DOWN, Jake. Daria, why don't you spend some time with Ted?

DARIA: Trent.

HELEN: Whatever. Anyway, I think it would be a NICE oppurtunity to
BROADen your social horizons.

DARIA: How many times have I heard you say that in the past month?
Besides, I'm already hanging out with Trent.

JAKE: Oh my god! It's twins, isn't it???

DARIA: Relax, dad. I'm only singing for his band in a music contest.

HELEN: Why, DAria! How nice!

QUINN: Muh-om, how can you say that? You can't have a brain singing in
a band. That is soooooooo uncool.

HELEN: Quinn, I think this is a great oppurtunity for Daria. When is
your performance, sweetie?

DARIA (remembers her costume): Uh..... I don't think you want to come
and see me.

JAKE: Nonsense, kiddo! We'd love to!

(A pause.)

DARIA (gives in and sighs): Next Friday. McGrundy's at eight.

HELEN: Wonderful. We'll all come along (pointedly) EVEN you, Quinn.

QUINN: Muh-om! That's not fair! Why do I have to suffer??

(She flounces off angrily to her room.)

SCENE 6. INTERIOR, NIGHT.  A LITTLE LATER IN DARIA'S ROOM.

(Daria is sitting on the bed, miserabley examining her Obi-Wan outfit.
The door is open.

DARIA: Well, looks like fate has turned against me once again. (sighs)
I wouldn't mind so much if I didn't have to wear this dumb thing in
front of Trent. Why couldn't have I at least been asked to wear an
Amidala costume? I could've kept a little dignity.

(She walks up to the mirror and puts the costume in front of her,
examining it. Quinn passes by the door and catches her.)

QUINN: Eeeeeeeeew! What is that thing?

DARIA: It's a hi-tech installation apparatus issued to me on my
registration to the FBI. You realise now that you are privvy to this
information you'll either have to join forces with me, or I'm going to
have to kill you. (Pauses and pretends to think) I think I'll go for
the latter.

QUINN: Ha ha, Daria. Very funny. What is it?

DARIA: At the contest next Friday we're performing the "Weird Al"
Yankovic Star Wars song, and.... I kinda have to wear this.

QUINN: Gross! Uncoordinated clothes and nerdy science fiction? I'd
rather be dead!

DARIA: That can be arranged.

(Quinn snorts pretentiously and leaves.)

SCENE 7. INTERIOR, NIGHT. QUINN'S ROOM.

(Quinn is on the phone with Sandi, Tiffany and Stacy.)

(CUT TO a four split screen shot of the FC.)

QUINN: You guys will not believe what I'm about to tell you. My cousin
Daria is singing for this band next Friday, and they're doing that
"Wired Val" guy's Star Wars song!

(Sandi and Tiffany gasp.)

SANDI: Omigod, that is like, soooooo unfashionable.

TIFFANY: Yeah. Soooooooo unfashionable.

STACY: Actually, I kinda like Star Wars--

QUINN: Quiet Stacy. And, on top of that, she's wearing that stupid Ewan
McGregor outfit.

(Sandi and Tiffany gasp again, even more shocked.)

TIFFANY: How could she? Rust brown robes and white pants are soooooo
last month.

QUINN: I know! And it gets worse! That Tom guy is playing guitar for
her!

(Another more dramatic gasp.)

SANDI: Sci-fi AND grunge? No way! That is too geeky!

STACY: But she's a good singer! I heard her during those mandatory
school choir tryouts. I'm surprised she didn't get in---

QUINN: Quiet, Stacy.

(Stacy scowls and hangs up.)

QUINN: Stacy?......

STACY (to herself): This is sooooo cool. I'm gonna tell everyone!

SCENE 8. INTERIOR, DAY. THE HALLS OF LAWNDALE HIGH.

(Daria and Jane at Daria's locker.)

DARIA: ...so now not only am I humiliating myself in front of Trent,
Quinn will be there to further mock and taunt me. My life's just
getting better and better.

JANE: Daria, relax! I've never seen you so self-concsious before. It's
just a costume. It won't make any difference. (humourously) Besides,
you really look cute as Obi-Wan. Trent might even go for ya.

DARIA: Somehow, I can't picture the man of my dreams being turned on by
a rat-tail and a lightsaber.

(Brittany, Kevin, Jodie and Mack approach the two.)

KEVIN: Hey, Daria! Just heard about your gig next Friday! Good goin',
man!

BRITTANY: Yeah. I never pictured you as a singer before but I suppose
people who aren't singers may not be people who aren't singers, and
they may be people who are singers after all, or whatever. (twirls hair
and looks vacant at this.)

JODIE: It's so cool of you to get involved with outside activities and
use your talents, Daria.

MACK: We'll all be there, rootin' for you on Friday.

DARIA (darkly): Uhmm, yeah... thanks.

(They walk off.)

DARIA: Great. First Trent, then Quinn, now all the people that come
close to being friends. I'm overjoyed.

JANE: Ahhh, for chrissake, stop worrying. You're gonna do great.

DARIA (overly sarcastic): Yeah. I'm sure after the performance, Trent
will propose to me, Quinn will apologise for all the years of torment
and I'll be named homecoming queen of Lawndale High.

JANE: Well, (adopts a Qui-Gon Jinn voice) the force is a strange and
powerful thing, young Jedi.

DARIA: Shut up.

SCENE 9. DARIA'S NIGHTMARE. MCGRUNDY'S PUB.

(Mystik Spiral and Daria, dresses in her Jedi suit looking incredibly
gawky, are about to perform.)

MC: And now, as our last entry to the contest, please welcome Mysik
Spiral and Daria Morgendorffer!

(Crowd claps. Daria walks on stage, but sees no Trent, Jesse, Nick or
Max.)

DARIA: Guys?

(The crowd begins to laugh at her.)

DARIA (worried): Trent??

(She sees Trent Jane in the wings of the stage, snickering viciously
and pointing at her.)

JANE: I can't believe she fell for it!

TRENT: What a loser!

(The cackling gets louder. Daria screams.)

(Daria wakes up with a shock. She looks around her semi-dark room. It
is five-thirty in the morning. The sun is slowly rising. Daria plonks
back down on her pillow, wiping a stream of sweat off her forehead.)

SCENE 10. INTERIOR, NIGHT. MCGRUNDY'S PUB.

(There is a huge crowd. Amongst the mass of people we recognise
Brittany, Kevin, Mack, Jodie, Daria's family, Jane and the Fashion
Club. They are all applauding as one act ends and three girls, dressed
as the members of TLC, leave the stage. Upchuck is the master of
ceremonies.)

UPCHUCK: And thank you to Bambi, Sophia and Gemma for their pardody of
TLC's No Scrubs. Rrrrrrrr, Feisty! Now, for our last act we have the
beloved local band Mystik Spiral and the beeeeeeautiful Daria
Morgendorffer performing "Weird Al" Yankovic's Star Wars parody of
American Pie, The Saga Begins!

(CUT TO in the wings. Mystik Spiral is all set up with their
instruments and about to go on. Daria is dressed in her Obi-Wan outfit,
which actually looks pretty good.)

DARIA (whisper): Trent?

TRENT (whisper): Yeah?

DARIA (whisper): I'm nervous. 

TRENT (whisper): You'll do great.

( He smiles at her. She blushes. They step out on stage and perform the
song. Daria sings wonderfully. Through the performance, people
periodically laugh at the humourous lyrics.)

DARIA (singing to the tune of American Pie):
A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away  (laughs from the crowd)
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation in
To maybe cutting them a little slack (laughs)
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
And met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And went to Theed to see the queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where... we found... this boy...

Oh my my this here Anakin Guy
May be Vader some day later
Now he's just a small fry
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Singin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi."  (laughs)

Did you know this junkyard slave  (crowd starts clapping along)
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force they say
Ahh do you see him hitting on the queen  (laughs)
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen 
Yeah he's probably goin' to marry her some day
Well I know he built C3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke it's true
So we made a wager or two 
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace    (laughs)
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well I knew who would win first place 
Oh yes it was our boy 

And we were signin'  
Mymy this here Anakin Guy  (crowd sings along with chorus)
May be Vader some day later
Now he's just a small fry
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Singin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi."

Now we finally got to Corusant
The Jedi council we knew would want 
To see how good the boy could be 
So we took him there and we told the tale 
How his midi-cloreans were off the scale 
And he might fulfil that prophecy 
Oh the Council was impressed of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interviewed the kid 
Oh training they forbid 
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui Gon said 'Now listen here
Just stick it in your pointy ear   (Thunderous laughs)
I still will teach this boy' 

And he was singin'
My my this here Anakin guy   (crowd sings along with chorus)
May be Vader sometime later now he's just a small fry 
And he left his home and kissed his mommy good bye 
singin' 'Soon I 'm gonna be a Jedi'
'Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi' 

(Trent does a complicated guitar solo before the song slows down. The
crowd stops clapping along.)

We caught a ride back to Naboo 
Cause Queen Amidala wanted to 
I frankly would have liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war 
And it wasn't long at all before 
Little hotshot flew his plane and saved the day (laughs)
And in the end some Gungans died 
Some ships blew up and pilots fried 
A lot of folks were croaking 
The battle droids were broken  (laughs)
And the Jedi that I admire most 
Met up with Darth Maul now he's toast
Well I'm still here and he's a ghost  (laughs)
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin'...  (crowd sings and claps along)
My my this here Anakin Guy
May be Vader some day later
Now he's just a small fry
He left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Singin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi
Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi."

(Deafening applause and cheering.)

KEVIN (hollering): Wooooo! Yeah! Go Daria!

(Brittany slaps him and gives him a death look.)

KEVIN: What?

(Sometime later, the judges have decided.)

UPCHUCK: And now for tonight's winners. In third place are Simon Gibler
and Harry Davidson for their Jurrasic Park: the musical...

(Crowd claps.)

UPCHUCK: Coming in second is- Rrrrrrarrrr- The lovely Dana Simmons for
her Ode to the tarot cards...

(Crowd claps.)

UPCHUCK: And... can we have a drumroll please?... Thank you. Coming in
first is...

(Gee. I wonder who.)

UPCHUCK: Mystik Spiral and Daria Morgendorffer for The Saga Begins!!!!

(The crowd goes wild as Trent steps out on stage to recieve the prize-
a $500 check.)

TRENT: Thankyou. I'd like to dedicate this prize to a very special
lady. Daria Morgendorffer, thanks for not hiding your light under a
bushel.

(More cheering. Trent leaves the stage and meets Daria in the wings.)

DARIA: Wow, Trent. That was really sweet.

TRENT: No problem, Daria. It's the least you deserved.

DARIA (expectantly): AND...??

TRENT: Oh, and your share of the prize money.

DARIA: Thankyou.

(An awkward pause.)

TRENT: Daria?

DARIA: Yeah, Trent.

TRENT: You're a good friend.

(He embraces Daria and gives her a friendly kiss... on the lips. [Yes,
you read right. I said the lips! I wonder if Trent is hinting something
to her!] Trent leaves to see the other Spirals, leaving Daria standing
in surprise. Jane comes up to her.)

JANE: Hey, Obi-Wan, you were great! Everyone loved you!

(No response, Daria stands silent in a dreamy daze.)

JANE: Daria?...... Hey, DARIA!!! C'mon!....

THE END

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