Legion of Lawndale Heroes Mini – 'Meta Yo Mama'


Written by Brother Grimace


Legion of Lawndale Heroes created by James Bowman





(NOTE: This fic takes place between LLH Chapters Thirteen and Fourteen.)





Peace and quiet – not something you can really expect when you're the unofficial advisor to a bunch of kids with superpowers, Kyle Armalin thought, talking his time as he walked up one of the stairwells inside Legion Tower. Thank you, God, for Saturday nights, when they're all out trying to get laid or blocking their friend's attempts to get some.


Hey – Annapolis may have been a federal military academy, but it was also a university in every way that mattered. I still remember Nick Olinson being a pain in the ass, and I still remember that cockblocking SOB going out of his way to keep me from getting any play with Jen Rozsum. Sucker – that just cleared the way for me to be stuck in the dorms that weekend while all of the others got liberty and went to on that overnight beach trip that stretched out over the weekend. I still remember that Friday night - that squirt-gun interrogation with Nancy Ellen Samms... with Christy O'Neill holding Nancy Ellen's arms back... not that she was even remotely trying to resist. If the three of us had gotten caught - not that it wouldn't have been worth it. Even if we had gotten caught – who would have believed it? Who would have believed that the next night, Christy would drag me over to Allison Smithville's private apartment – Allison, the freaking Cadet Commander of Corps herself – along with another squirt gun?


Thank God I have super-powers – especially the super-strength and endurance. Thank God they knew that I knew how to thank my lucky stars, simply enjoy the moment, and keep my trap shut.


Shame that I never got to thank 'Nickhead' – although I know that he spent his last year annoyed as hell because of the way I smiled at him every time he looked my way, or could have cared less anytime he played a prank on me. Because of him, I had an unbelievable weekend with three very cute cadets a month from Commencement who wanted to have one last fling. I could never get angry with him ever again.


Smiling, Armalin opened the door to the 21st floor – and was surprised at the blast of sound that came from the other side.


"You're hair isn't red – it's the color of a carrot's ass!"


Armalin's eyes opened slightly at the sound of Mack Mackenzie's voice – not to mention the insult - or the cheering that followed. "Oh, you wanna get real?" Charles Ruttheimer shot back, the glee in his voice immediately putting the Marine at ease. "Your girlfriend's so ugly, you don't call her with a cell phone – you call her with a 'Milk Bone'!"


The Marine looked inside to see Mack, Charles, Tom Sloane, Trent Lane (and the three members of that truly hideous band he fronted) gathered in the common area at the center of the floor; bags of snacks and several pizza boxes with the 'Lords of 'Za' logo on top were visible, as well as a few bottles of 'Dog Dog' beer. "Okay, okay – 'Your breath is so bad, and your mouthwash is so weak, that your mouth smells like the crack of Spongebob's Squarepants."


"Yeah? 'Your ears are so big that you don't need to fly – if you fell off the top of the Tower, you could glide all the way to the Middleton Smarty-Mart!"


Even Armalin winced at that one as Mack fired back. "Yo' mama's so fat, she started putting a belt on the day she started high school, and when she finally got it around, they gave her a diploma!"


"Okay, okay. Yo' mama's butt's so big, both sides AND the crack's got their own zip code!"


Applause and cheers rippled through the air. "Charles – your do's so messed up that the lady was standing in her front door with a Swifter duster while you were in the bushes with that dusty hair singing, 'Baby come back – you can blame it all on me-!"


"You tryin' to case on my hair with that wannabe style? Last time I saw that hair, people were in the gym singing 'Wildcats sing along, yeah, you really got it goin' on - Wildcats in the house, everybody say it now..." Armalin watched as Charles did a little dance in the middle of the room with arms in the air, and how even Mack smirked out laughs at his teammate's antics.


As the Legionnaires and their company continued with their fun, Armalin carefully closed the door. "Kids," he said, smiling as he started up the stairs to the next floor.