Legion of Lawndale Heroes Minis – 'Waif Fu'


Written by Brother Grimace


Legion of Lawndale Heroes created by James Bowman






"Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a 90-pound girl, 'cause... I don't think that's ever getting old."

-- Wash, from Serenity





"Dude – check out the prom queens," Danny Sharp said, lifting his head from the driver's-side door as he saw the two girls heading towards the far end of the Lawndale Mall Parking lot. "Bitches walking along like they fart perfume."


"Yeah – look at those bags they got," the second young man said, taking a sip from a bottle of Bacardi Raz mixed with orange juice. "Daddy's let the princesses have extra bucks to play – I saw them earlier today! All they've been doing today is shopping, eating, more shopping and acting like a brother's not good enough for them to talk to!"


Danny looked back at the young man in the back of the car, and reached back for one of the cheeseburgers in the bag next to the Black youth. "Stick your hand back here in my food again, and I'll slap the white off you and your weak-ass Johnny Cage wannabe up there ridin' bitch!"


Mickey Collins – who did bear an eerie resemblance to the actor that played Johnny Cage in the movie of Mortal Kombat – turned to Demetrius Dunigan with a sneer on his face. "I got your bitch down here, riding on 'Bronco Billy.'


"Shut the f**k up and let's go."






"Sta-CCCCCCY! I CAN'T believe that you got the yellow leather jacket – it makes you look like a wooly canary!"


"But I like this color – it's just like the color that Uma-"


"She has feet the size of a canoe paddle, her hair is just – ugh! – and did you see that see-through dress she wore at that party? Somebody got their passport from Planet Look-at-me, didn't they?"


"Both of you bitches – shut up and throw me those damn purses!"


Sandi Griffin and Stacy Rowe, both loaded down with purchases, stopped with shocked looks on their faces as the three punks, knives drawn, surrounded them – and then, the three punks looked bewildered as the girls started to laugh.


"Stacy, you can, like, have one of them. Just one."


"But that's not FAIR! You ALWAYS get to beat up the bad guys and when you do, you totally knock them out and they can't fight anymore! I want to have the big fight with lots of bad guys coming after me!"


Sandi turned to face her fellow Legionnaire. "Stacy – I think that your behavior is, like, totally inappropriate for the situation we are in. I mean - these guys are totally criminal low-lifes with knives and, like, stuff."


"We could kick their butts in like ten seconds of something! I don't even have to put down my bags to do it – I could just kick their heads in and they'd all be out for months!"


"It's like you've gotten totally aggressive and stuff since Quinn started making all sorts of new friends, Stacy." Sandi drew herself up to her full height and looked Sandi in the eye. "Especially her new friend Danielle. If I didn't know better, I'd say that while people can be forgiven for things that they've done during a sleepover while they were half-asleep after having drank lots and lots of wine coolers-" She gave Stacy a very sharp glare. "Deciding to start dating as an aficionado of 'carpet gourmet' is not fashionable. The Angelina Jolie thing of dating both boys and girls? In real life – not done."


Stung more than she wanted to let on, Stacy let a snarl escape from her that made Demetrius lose control of his bladder and take off running (the young Black man didn't stop running until he got home); the other two started moving slowly away – until a blinding-fast foot snapped out, and Mickey dropped to the asphalt without a sound as Sandi's right foot connected solidly with the boy's forehead.


"Don't move," she said without turning; Danny stood still, the blade dropping from his hand as Stacy smiled a vicious smile at him... revealing sharp, extended incisors. "Stacy – if you can pull your mind out of some girl's pants for, like, a minute, maybe you can call the police to tell them that we've been mugged, and that two of them are still here?"


Bitch, Stacy thought, taking out her phone. You're just mad because you haven't had a date in months – the only thing long and stiff you've been grabbing onto lately is your PFT! Maybe I ought to get Trent to come up to my room with some wine coolers, call you over and let you jump all on top of him – I know you would, I've seen the way you look at his butt – it is a nice butt, isn't it? There's not anything about Trent that isn't cute...


"STA-CCCYYY! Aren't you going to CALL?"


Danny sat down on the asphalt, honestly afraid as the two young girls stared at each other, and didn't move until three police cars with the Lawndale P.D. markings roared up five minutes later with sirens blaring.