LINK
Episode Two
BOLLOCKS TO CHRISTMAS
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Written by Warpedkjh13
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OPENING CREDITS
(Stay Hungry by Twisted Sister)
Are you feeling the fire, are you ready to explode?
Are your dreams and desires riding down an open road?
I'm like a runaway, a heart without a home
Others can laugh and play
I'll fight for every inch I take, I'm desperate to the bone
Stay hungry, feel the fire
Stay hungry, don't explode
Stay hungry, with desire
Stay hungry, you're alone
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SCENE ONE: LINK'S BEDROOM
(Link is typing on his computer journal.)
LINK (V.O.): It's Friday night, and for some reason, I feel like something strange is going to happen. Well, it's 10:41 PM, and I'm feeling tired, so I'll bid you adieu.
(He turns it off and switches his lamp off then crawls into bed. Suddenly an apparition of Daria floats above his head. This Daria has chains around her.)
DARIA GHOST: Liiiiinnnnk... Liiiiinnnnk...
LINK: Daria?
DARIA GHOST: Good, I've got your attention, now let's cut the ghost crap.
LINK: What are you doing here?
DARIA GHOST: I have to tell you that three spirits, strange ones, I might add, are going to visit you tonight.
LINK: Why? What did I do?
DARIA GHOST: Apart from pelting a boy with a pillow filled with rocks and locking two people in a wine cellar, not a hell of a much. Well, I gotta go rattle my chains somewhere else. Pleasant dreams.
LINK: Yep. See ya.
(Daria bumps into the wall.)
DARIA GHOST: Could you turn the lamp on? I can't see where I'm going.
(He does and she floats through the door. Link turns the light back off and goes to sleep.)
GUY FAWKES DAY: Right, lad, wake up!
(Link wakes with a start.)
LINK: Who the hell are you?
GUY FAWKES DAY: I'm Guy Fawkes Day, one of those spirits that brainy girl told you would come during the night. In other words, I'm also known as The Ghost Of Christmas Past.
LINK: I already know what happened two years ago.
GUY FAWKES DAY: Hey, us spirits have to be watchin' you lot, so it's not my fault we caught you getting drunk on eggnog. I want to take you back ten years ago.
LINK: When I was a baby?
GUY FAWKES DAY: Yeah. Get ready, 'cause it's a weird ride.
(A flash fills the room. Link finds himself lying on the floor in the same room.)
LINK: This is my room.
(Across the room, a baby's crib is against the wall.)
LINK: My crib!
(Link's real father walks in with a baby Link. His father looks like an adult Link.)
MICHAEL: Goodnight, baby Link. Pleasant dreams and when you wake up, you'll have heaps of new toys to play with!
BABY LINK: Daddy.
(Michael smiles gently, then walks out.)
LINK: That's not my father. My father was a mean, manipulative man.
GUY FAWKES DAY: That's all a load of bollocks. Your father was a decent, loving man who misses you very much. You only thought he was a jerk 'cause you're totally screwed up, just like that Daria chick.
LINK: Speak for yourself. What is Guy Fawkes Day, anyway?
GUY FAWKES DAY: You oughta know. You're a brain. I stand for free pies. Free pies for everyone.
LINK: No thanks. You know, you look a lot like that Sid Vicious guy.
GUY FAWKES DAY: You think? 'Cause that's the look I've been going for. Anyway, back to bed with you.
(He claps twice and Link wakes up back in his own bed.)
LINK: Crazy dream. But there was a message in it...
GUY FAWKES DAY: Yeah, you're screwed up.
CHRISTMAS: Are you still here?
GUY FAWKES DAY: What do you think?
CHRISTMAS: Get back to holiday island.
(Guy Fawkes Day disappears.)
CHRISTMAS: Anyway, down to business. I am Christmas, but I like to be called X, short for-
LINK: X-mas.
CHRISTMAS: My, aren't we the perceptive one. Anyway, I'm going to take you to see your friend Daria and her family.
LINK: Alright-ee.
(Christmas clicks his fingers.)
SCENE TWO: THE MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM
(Link and Christmas appear.)
JAKE: Ah, beautiful egg-nog.
CHRISTMAS: Sound familiar?
LINK: Oh, shut up.
HELEN: Quinn, where's Daria?
QUINN: How should I know? I'm not... someone who knows... everything.
SCENE THREE: DARIA'S ROOM
(Daria is lying on her bed, holding a mistletoe over her head.)
LINK: What's the matter with her? I thought she had a boyfriend.
CHRISTMAS: She does, but he's out of town and she's lonely.
LINK: Wait, it's not Christmas for another three months. This can't be happening now.
CHRISTMAS: This happens in three months.
LINK: Really? Wow. If this is a dream, I'm developing some weird powers. I could wreak havoc on everyone... everyone...
CHRISTMAS: No, this isn't a dream, and no, you don't have any powers. As if God would bestow powers on a eleven year old boy.
LINK: Damn. Hey, do I get to meet God?
CHRISTMAS: Yeah.
LINK: Cool.
CHRISTMAS: In about another eighty years.
LINK: Oh... you have taken all of the excitement from my life. Now I know that I'll die at ninety one.
CHRISTMAS: Eighty years, give or take.
LINK: Thank you. So what is the point of this dream?
CHRISTMAS: For the last time, it's not a dream, and you've been a very naughty boy as of recent times.
LINK: You don't have to remind me.
CHRISTMAS: It's what Daria critics call a filler episode.
LINK: Okay, and I suppose that since this is a spinoff, we have to have filler episodes as well?
CHRISTMAS: Yes, but they come a lot sooner.
LINK: What's in the future for me?
CHRISTMAS: I can't tell you that, it'd take all of the surprise out of the remaining seasons.
LINK: Right.
CHRISTMAS: See you later.
LINK: Wait, how is Daria important in this episode?
CHRISTMAS: This is a spinoff, so she has to have an appearance every now and then.
LINK: But she's already had an appearance.
CHRISTMAS: Well, it's basically time filler. Now, enough of the boring conversations and off to bed.
(He claps his hands and Link wakes up in his bed.)
SCENE FOUR: LINK'S ROOM
(Link drops into his bed.)
LINK: This proves it wasn't a dream.
HALLOWEEN: Oh yeah. It isn't a dream.
LINK: Let me guess. The Ghost of Christmas Future.
HALLOWEEN: Uh... yes and no. Halloween. Pleased to make your aquaintance. Come with me.
SCENE FIVE: A HIGHWAY
(She clicks her fingers and they appear in front of a sign. We are looking at them from behind the sign, so we can't see what the sign says.)
LINK: No way! Cool. I'm moving? When?
HALLOWEEN: Soon. Just wait - some things are worth waiting for.
LINK: Can I see my house?
HALLOWEEN: No.
(She clicks her fingers and they disappear. The camera moves around to look at the sign, which says... WELCOME TO LAWNDALE.)
SCENE SIX: LINK'S ROOM
(They appear in his room.)
LINK: That one was awfully quick!
HALLOWEEN: Well, what do you expect? We're working on a tight budget here.
(She disappears.)
LINK: Yeah, bye then.
(Link turns to the camera.)
LINK: Tonight was strange. I've learned that Christmas is about sharing and spending time with your family no matter how stupid they may be.
SCENE SEVEN: LINK'S ROOM
(Link sits up in bed and rubs his head. He opens the blinds and it is sunny outside, nowhere near like Christmas.)
LINK: It's not Christmas? It's not Christmas!
(He runs out to the front yard where Wind is watering the lawn.)
LINK: You there, Wind! What day is it today?
WIND: Why, it's Saturday, Link.
LINK: Saturday!
(Link spins around happily in the sun and Wind just stares. Roll end credits.)
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END CREDIT MUSIC - MY WAY BY SID VICIOUS AND THE SEX PISTOLS
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"LINK"
Episode #102 - Bollocks to Christmas
Written by Warpedkjh13
Starring
Link Werther
Daria Morgendorffer
Wind Lane
Guest Starring
Guy Fawkes Day
Michael Williams
Christmas
Jake Morgendorffer
Quinn Morgendorffer
Helen Morgendorffer
Halloween
And a whole bunch of people nobody could care less about.
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THE END
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