LINK
Episode One
UP IN SMOKE
Written by Warpedkjh13
OPENING CREDITS
(Stay Hungry by Twisted Sister)
Are you feeling the fire, are you ready to explode?
Are your dreams and desires riding down an open road?
I'm like a runaway, a heart without a home
Others can laugh and play
I'll fight for every inch I take, I'm desperate to the bone
Stay hungry, feel the fire
Stay hungry, don't explode
Stay hungry, with desire
Stay hungry, you're alone
SCENE ONE: LINK'S BEDROOM
(Link is typing on his computer journal.)
LINK (V.O.): My next door neighbor's sister is coming over to stay with him soon. He just gave up smoking and, boy, is he edgy. I have to go and not make any sudden movements. Catch ya later.
(He turns off his computer and walks out.)
SCENE TWO: LIVING ROOM
(Link tries to sneak out as Geoffrey is sitting on the couch.)
GEOFFREY: Hold it, where are you going?
LINK (beaten): Insane. I was hoping I didn't have to tell you.
GEOFFREY: Tell me where you are going. You are not going to that hippy's house, are you?
LINK: Hippy? What hippy?
GEOFFREY: That Wind guy next door.
LINK: Oh... that hippy.
(He rushes out.)
GEOFFREY: There's just no reaching that boy.
SCENE THREE: WIND'S DOORSTEP
(Link runs up and knocks on the door. Wind Lane answers it.)
WIND: Katie? Katie?
(He looks down.)
WIND: Oh, it's only you, Link.
LINK: Nice to see you, too.
WIND: Come in.
(Link walks in.)
SCENE THREE: WIND'S LIVING ROOM
(Link sits on the sofa.)
LINK: So, what's new?
WIND: My sister's here.
LINK: Already? I thought she was coming next week!
WIND: No, that's Penny you're thinking of.
LINK: Penny? Penny Lane? Is her boyfriend Abbey Road?
WIND (dryly): Funny. Meet Jane.
(Jane walks in, right on queue.)
JANE: You must be Link.
LINK: And you must be Jane.
JANE: You know, my friend Daria knows a Link.
LINK: Daria Morgendorffer?
JANE: You're Link? I thought you'd be a bit older.
LINK: I'm eleven years old.
JANE: And you don't look a day over nine.
LINK: How is Daria?
JANE: Fine, rebelling against the moral fibres of our society, you know, the usual.
LINK: She's a regular Olivia Newton-John, only twisted.
JANE: Very twisted.
LINK: How long are you here for?
JANE: I leave tomorrow. I only get one day off for visiting over here, and no doubt I shall have another wacky adventure with a certain misery chick. So, Wind. My latest painting contains a house on fire. You know. With lots of SMOKE.
WIND: Please!
LINK: I think I'll be taking my leave now. Nice to meet you, Jane.
JANE: Nice to meet you, Link.
LINK (V.O.): These two aren't very brotherly-sisterly. Time for more of my evil work... but what should I do?
WIND: Want some wine, Jane?
JANE: Yeah, but I'll choose mine. I can't trust your wine choosing.
WIND: Well... we'll both go.
(Link gets an idea! He opens the front door.)
LINK: Okay, see you!
WIND: See you!
(Wind slams the door, but is still inside. He sneaks around and watches them go into the cellar. Link grabs a key from a cabinet. He checks it. It has WINE CELLAR engraved in it. Link closes the cellar door and locks it.)
SCENE FOUR: WIND'S WINE CELLAR
(Wind and Jane are downstairs as Link shuts and locks the door.)
JANE: What the-
WIND: Link, is that you?
LINK (from behind the door): I'm not letting you out until you get brotherly-sisterly... plus I haven't done anything evil for a while.
JANE: That's it, I'm taking charge.
(Jane takes out a bottle and whacks it into a small window.)
WIND: Jane. The window's too small. Face it, we're stuck in here.
TWO HOURS LATER
(Wind and Jane are sitting down, back to back.)
WIND AND JANE (singing): Show me the way to go home, I'm tired and I want to go to bed, I had a little drink about an hour ago and it went right to my head...
SCENE FIVE: WIND'S LIVING ROOM
(Link is sitting by the door, blocking his ears. He gets up and walks out.)
SCENE SIX: WINE CELLAR
(We hear a door slamming.)
WIND: Was that Link?
JANE: Probably. I told you the singing would work.
WIND: Now, where's the laundry chute? Oh yeah!
(Wind opens the hatch to the laundry chute. He climbs in, but slips out.)
WIND: Damn! I'm too thin. Jane, you're slightly fatter than me.
(Jane looks annoyed at this, and as retaliation, pulls a lighter from her pocket.)
JANE (monotone): Want a light?
(Wind goes to pound on the door madly.)
SCENE SEVEN: CLASS ROOM
(Link enters.)
MRS. BENSON: Mr. Werther, you're late.
LINK: Oh well, it happens.
MRS. BENSON: Once more, and you'll go straight to the principal's office.
LINK: How about I go there now?
MRS. BENSON: Well, you might as well. I don't want you disrupting my class anymore!
SCENE EIGHT: PRINCIPAL CHASER'S OFFICE
(Link enters.)
CHASER: Oh, hi Link. Another boring lesson from Mrs. Benson?
LINK: Oh, yeah.
CHASER: Here, have a Coke.
(Chaser grabs a Coke from a nearby freezer and tosses it to Link.)
LINK: Thanks.
CHASER: All that woman is is pro boredom, anti interest. I'm surprised that half of the other bone heads in your class can take it.
LINK: I think they're scared of you.
CHASER: Good. That's the look I've been going for.
SCENE NINE: WINE CELLAR
(Wind has been trying to drill a hole in the door. But, the door is metal. So, not much luck.)
JANE: I believe that door will never be gone with the Wind.
WIND: Oh, shut up.
(Jane pantomines puffing a cigarette.)
WIND: Look, we may be here for a while. We'll have to get along.
JANE: You can't get along with women. Remember Katie?
WIND: Ooooh...
JANE: Why not go to sleep? That seems to be the Lane family's thing in common with each other.
WIND: Prove it!
JANE: Trent...
WIND: Point proven.
SCENE TEN: CHASER'S OFFICE
(The bell goes.)
CHASER: Better go. Your classmates might do something stupid and you might miss it.
LINK: Okay. See you after recess.
CHASER: Yeah, alright.
SCENE ELEVEN: SCHOOL YARD
(He meets up with the Usual Gang of Idiots, Adam, Liam and Joseph.)
LINK: Hey, guys.
ADAM: Hi.
LIAM: Hi.
JOSEPH: (incomprehensible murmur)
LINK: What's new? I locked a couple of people in their basement before school today.
(They all stare at Link, wide eyed.)
ADAM: Finally. You've shown that you've got guts.
LIAM: I wouldn't do that...
JOSEPH: (incomprehensible murmur)
LINK: Well, opinion is divided on this subject.
JOSEPH: Huh?
SCENE TWELVE: WINE CELLAR
JANE: Well, at least we have an endless supply of wine.
WIND: Cheers to alcoholicism.
(NOTE: I am not an alcoholic nor have I ever been or nor will I ever be. This point of view is coming directly from Mr. Lane's mouth and the writers and producers of this show do not promote alcohol in any shape, way or form. Phew!)
JANE: I should have known that giving up smoking would eventually get two or more people drunk. Now, let's pop the bubbly.
SCENE THIRTEEN: SCHOOL YARD
(Link meets up with his girlfriend, Melissa.)
LINK: Hey Melissa.
MELISSA: Hey, Link.
LINK: How are you going?
MELISSA: Good.
LINK: I just trapped two people in a wine cellar.
MELISSA: You did what?
LINK: I just trapped two people in a wine cellar.
MELISSA: That's wrong. How could you do such a thing?
LINK: I've never seen a case of sibling rivalry as large as the one between Jane and Wind.
MELISSA: So? That doesn't give you the right to lock a couple of people in a wine cellar together. That is so immoral, it is unlike you. This makes me wonder why I ever bother trying to go out with you.
LINK: Hmm. You're right.
MELISSA: You'd better go let them out. People can't just live on wine, you know. You can sneak out the back. It's not like you'll miss anything here.
LINK: See you later then.
SCENE FOURTEEN: WINE CELLAR
(Several bottles of wine lie on the ground, empty. Jane is very drunk, yet Wind is sober.)
WIND: Leave it to you to get completely drunk.
(He spies a crowbar lying in a corner.)
WIND: I have an idea.
JANE: Of course ya do.
(She pulls down another bottle. Wind grabs it and smashes it.)
JANE: No!
(Wind grabs the crowbar and jimmies the door open.)
WIND: Why didn't I think of that before?
(They run out.)
SCENE FIFTEEN: WIND'S FRONT DOOR
(Link lets himself in and sees Wind with the crowbar in his hand.)
SCENE SIXTEEN: WIND'S LIVING ROOM
(They're all sitting down in the living room.)
WIND: So that's what happened.
LINK: You should be thanking your lucky stars I didn't leave you in there until you had to drink your own urine.
WIND: If that had happened, I would have found the crowbar and broken bones.
LINK: Then I would have something to hold against you in court.
WIND: Damn legal mumbo jumbo.
SCENE SEVENTEEN: LINK'S BEDROOM
(Link is typing a message to Daria.)
LINK (V.O.): Dear Daria, I met your friend Jane this week. I locked her in the wine cellar with Wind, maybe permanantly damaging her state of mind. Don't worry if she seems a little bit different when she gets back. I don't know what propels me to do things like that... so many counselors have tried to find out. Anyway, see you later, from Link.
SCENE EIGHTEEN: DARIA'S BEDROOM
(Daria is replying.)
DARIA (V.O.): Dear Link, I think Jane might have had a few problems before you locked her in. By the way, my high school principal sold out to a cola company to get funding. More info as it comes. Oh well, see you later, from Daria.
(Roll end credits.)
END CREDIT MUSIC - WE LOVE TO SMOKE BY PATTY AND SELMA
"LINK" Episode #101 - Up In Smoke
Written by Warpedkjh13
Starring
Link Werther
Daria Morgendorffer
Geoffrey Werther
Wind Lane
Mrs. Benson
Principal Chaser
Adam
Liam
Joseph
Melissa Adams
Guest Starring
Jane Lane
And a whole bunch of people nobody could care less about.
THE END