written by Warpedkjh13

A crossover

(A fair is going on. The students of Lawndale High have to participate in one of Principal Li's charity scams. Daria, Jane, and Tom are walking around. Daria comes across a future teller's stall. The future teller's face is covered by a shadow.)

DARIA: Okay, so I guess you can tell me the future just by touching my palm and looking into my eyes for thirty dollars. I could buy the new Cake CD for that much.

(Jane and Tom hum 'Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake from the Comfort Eagle album.)

DARIA: Alright, knock it off.

TOM: Go ahead, Daria. Could be fun.

JANE: I'll take photos of you in a mentally bored state. For me to paint.

DARIA: I bet you'll get into the museum for that one.

FUTURE TELLER: Okay, you, like, get in the chair.

(Daria sits and the future teller grabs Daria's hand. We see the future teller's face. It is Andrea.)

ANDREA: Okay, here goes nothing.

TOM: Is this one of those things where the screen goes wavy?

(Fade into a domed city.)


ANDREA (V.O.): Sometime in the 21st century, the survivors of war, overpopulation and pollution are living in a great domed city, sealed away from the forgotten world outside. Here, in an ecologically balanced world, mankind lives for pleasure, freed by the servo-mechanisms that provide everything.

DARIA (V.O.): And?

ANDREA (V.O.): There's just one catch. Life must end at thirty, in the fiery ritual of carrousel.

DARIA (V.O.): Great.

TOM (V.O.): Sounds like fun.


(Tom, in a Logan's Run sandman outfit, taps at the window of a nursery.)

TOM: Wake up... come on, Thomas 6.

(Trent enters.)

TRENT: So you are here. I couldn't believe it when they told me. What are you doing? You should have seen me take my last runner. Perfect. He was trapped.

TOM: It's not every day that a sandman son is born. Come on, wake up, you idiot!

(A ringing sound comes from Tom's pocket and Tom pulls out a walkie talkie.)

WALKIE TALKIE: Runner situated in main dome. Sandman Tom and Sandman Trent go at once.

TOM: It's about time.


WOMAN OVER SPEAKER: Last day, Libra 27.

(A man in red runs past quickly, and following him are Trent and Tom.)

TOM: Run, runner.

(Tom and Trent shoot laser beams at the runner. The man topples from a balcony and hits the floor. Trent and Tom go down and Tom puts his walkie talkie against the dead runner's forehead.)

TOM: Identify.

(The walkie talkie produces an image of Kevin.)

TOM: Identify runner.

(Some words flash on the small screen of the walkie talkie. They read 'NEW YOU FACE ENHANCEMENT'.)

TOM (into walkie talkie): Runner terminated.

(Tom looks at the left palm of the dead Kevin. There is a black crystal on it.)

TRENT: Come on, Tom, or else we'll miss the carrousel.

JANE (V.O.): Wait a minute, Tom kills Kevin? This is too good to be true.

DARIA (V.O.): Get on with it.


(Many people are in the seats. A group of people in white turbans are spread around a giant red crystal.)

TOM: This one's gonna be good.

MAN'S VOICE OVER SPEAKER: Start carrousel.

(The carrousel spins around. The white turbaned people hold hands with each other. They float up into the air, desperately trying to reach the crystal at the top of the carrousel.)

CROWD: Renew! Renew! Renew!

(The people who don't reach the top crystal explode mid-air. You cannot see what happens to the people who do reach the top crystal.)

(Tom's walkie talkie rings.)

WALKIE TALKIE: Sandman Tom to mission briefing.


(Tom sits in a chair.)

WOMAN'S VOICE: Identify.

TOM: Thomas 5.

WOMAN'S VOICE: Your mission: you are approaching last day.

TOM: Excuse me? Last day? But I have years yet!

WOMAN'S VOICE: Thomas 5, put your left palm on the arm of the chair.

(He does so and the room turns bright red.)

WOMAN'S VOICE: Thomas 5, you are now 29 years old. Your mission, find sanctuary.

TOM: Sanctuary?

WOMAN'S VOICE: What did I just say? Mission briefing over.

(Tom looks at his palm. The crystal is flashing bright red.)

TOM: Oh, God...


(Tom sits in a chair. He pulls a remote from his pocket and presses a button. A bearded man appears in a glass capsule before him. He presses another button, and Daria appears. The glass capsule opens. Daria looks ironic. She is dressed in a green tunic.)

TOM: Hi.

(Daria remains silent.)

TOM: What's wrong?

DARIA: Please, no.

TOM: Please, no? You mean not here?

DARIA: No, just no.

TOM: You like women?

DARIA: No, but I do like TV.

TOM: Oh, come on, let's have sex.

DARIA: You really do keep discreet, don't you?

TOM: Come on.

DARIA: I only put myself on circuit because I was curious.

TOM: About what? Look, if you want to know anything about it, just come upstairs...

DARIA: Oh, shut up, you dolt. I was curious about the carrousel. A friend of mine was put on today.

TOM: Well, I'm sure they were renewed.

DARIA: No, she was killed. Like you kill the ones that run.

TOM: I haven't killed anyone in my life. I terminate runners.

DARIA: Why is it wrong to run?

TOM: Well... (holds up his left palm, with the flashing crystal) When this turns black, that's it. If you want to live to be 31, be renewed. (picks up gun and points it at Daria) But, if you are one of the misfits, that's where I come in.

DARIA: I didn't say I was going to run.

TOM: I have a question for you.

DARIA: Spit it out, as long as it isn't about sex.

TOM: Okay... I have another question for you.

DARIA: Shoot.

TOM: What is sanctuary?

(Daria looks shocked. She runs into the capsule and quickly disappears.)

TOM: Goddamn it.

TRENT: Well, you can't have them all.

TOM: How long have you been here?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK 1: Daria being grabbed by Andrea)


DARIA: So, Tom and I don't have sex.

TOM: You're telling our stories as they are now.

DARIA: Oh, shut up.

JANE: Would you please get on with it?

ANDREA: Okay, here goes.

(Andrea pulls out a crystal ball and waves her hands over it. An image waves into it. It is a woman {Jane} running. Tom and Daria are following her.)


(Tom and Daria have Jane trapped.)

JANE: Please... my life clock's broken. See? My life clock. It's broken.

TOM: Don't worry, we won't hurt you. We just want to know where sanctuary is.

JANE: Sanctuary? I don't know.

DARIA: You do, Jane 4.

JANE: I can't tell you. You're a sandman.

TOM: No, I'm 29. I'm running, see?

(Tom holds up his palm with the flashing crystal.)

TOM: I have to get out of here.

JANE: I cannot tell you. This must be a trick. Leave me!

(They go, and Trent, who has seen the whole thing walks up to Jane.)

JANE: No! No! My life clock-

(Trent shoots her. Jane falls dead.)

JANE (V.O.): That traitor! That's the last time I bother to remember to get him a birthday present.

TRENT: Runner terminated.

JANE (V.O.): And that clinched it.

(Trent looks angrily.)


DARIA: Oh, come on, Upchuck 2-

JANE (V.O.): Upchuck 2? I think I can understand that.

DARIA: You should be able to tell us something!

UPCHUCK: Well, you luscious lady, I know that the way out is over that way.

TOM: Where does it lead?

UPCHUCK: I don't know. No one does. Now, Daria, how would you like to go on a date with me?

DARIA: Go away.

TOM: Pervert.

(They walk off.)

UPCHUCK: Oooh, feisty. Grrrrrrrr.

(Above a small door is a flashing exit sign.)

DARIA: I think this is it.

TOM: No secrets here.

(They open it and exit. They are in a frozen cave now.)


TOM: Where are we?

BRITTANY-BOT: Um, like, you're in my cave and now you must be frozen.

DARIA: Shove off.

TOM: There's the result of too much collagen.

BRITTANY-BOT: Hey! Oh, where's my Kevvy?


(Tom and Daria find their way out and look at the sun.)

TOM: What the hell is that?

DARIA: A big bright yellow thing. Ergh.

DARIA (V.O.): You mean I haven't seen the sun before? God.

JANE (V.O.): Ssssh!

TOM: That must be... the sun!

(Majestic music, cut short by Daria.)

DARIA: Ok, let's go.


(The town of Lawndale is covered in plants. Daria walks up to a house, which happens to be her house, and opens the door.)


DARIA: Hello?

JAKE: Who goes there?

DARIA: Aaaagh!

(COMMERCIAL BREAK 2: Upchuck growling.)

DARIA: Uh... hi.

JAKE: Why, you're just a teenager... hi, kiddo!

DARIA: Okay...

JAKE: Are you the messenger of death? Oh please take me now!

DARIA: No, I'm a person.



(Tom is looking around and Trent comes up from behind him.)

TRENT: There you are. Thought you'd run?

TOM: Oh no...

TRENT: I covered for you. Now you're a runner. Now you must die.

(Trent shoots at Tom but misses. Tom grabs his gun and shoots Trent, who falls to the ground.)

JANE (V.O.): Well, Tommy boy! I didn't think you had it in ya.

TRENT: Oh, Tom...

(He grabs his hand.)

TRENT: You've been renewed.

JANE (V.O.): I suddenly feel so sad.

DARIA (V.O.): Ssssh!

(Trent dies.)


(Jake, Tom and Daria stand over a newly dug grave.)

TOM: Where's the machines sucking him up?

JAKE: What?

TOM: I have a way we can renew the world!

JAKE: How?

TOM: Listen carefully...


(The people are gathering at the carrousel.)

TOM: Wait! You don't need to die at 30! You can live!

PEOPLE: Yeah. Right.

UPCHUCK: Feisty crowd.

HELEN: Oh, please, we have meetings to attend to.

TOM: Mrs. Morgendorffer, would you be about 50?

HELEN: I'm 23.

TOM: It doesn't matter! You can live! Come with me!


JAKE: So what's it like in there, kiddo?

DARIA: You don't want to know.

(All of the people, being led by Tom, come out of the domed city.)

DARIA: And now you'll find out.

(The people are amazed to see an old man. Jake shakes hands with some of them and we focus back to Daria, Jane and Tom at Andrea's stall.)


JANE: What a load of crap.

TOM: Me, renew the world?

DARIA: Me, a sex goddess?

ANDREA: Okay, our time is up for today.

(The stall's blinds close and a sign, OUT TO LUNCH, pops up.)

DARIA: There has to be something interesting here.

(La la la la la...)

END TITLE MUSIC: Pink Floyd - Astronomy Domine

Daria - Garfield, Carrie, Sandy (From Grease)

Tom - Asterix, Garden Gnome

Trent - Obelix, Kramer (From Seinfeld)
2001 written by Warpedkjh13
All rights belong to MGM, MTV and William F. Nolan.