Disclaimers:  : Daria and all related characters are the property of mtv
                productions

              : Celebrity death match and all related characters including
                Stone cold Steve Austin as he appears in some episodes of
                celebrity death match also are the property of mtv
                productions.

              : Beavis and Butthead are property of Mtv productions

                             LAWNDALE DEATH MATCH

                          written by Steve Mitchell




(Daria and Jane are seen walking down the hallway after their last class for
the day has let out.)

Jane: DARIA you want to come running with me today?

DARIA: no thanks, it'd remind me of why I want to run from this hell we call
LAWNDALE. I might keep running and never come back.

Jane: and your saying that this would be a bad thing? (beat) Come on, you look
like you could use the exercise. Besides maybe Trent would finally notice you
if you had a more fit body.

(DARIA just glares at Jane.)

Jane: alright do it to keep me company, we'll cut the distance down to
something that won't kill you.

DARIA: (sighs and rolls her eyes) oh all right, but if I drop dead do me a
favor and DON'T call the paramedics.

Jane: Thy will be done. Do you want to change first? we can stop at my house,
I probably have some shorts that will fit you. maybe if your lucky Trent can
watch you change.

(DARIA scowls at Jane)

Jane: relax it was a joke. (DARIA is still scowling) all right I take it
back.(Her expression is unchanged) I hate you.

(DARIA and Jane continue walking down the hall until they come across Jodie
stapling a poster to the bulletin board.)

DARIA: Hey Jodie, what's going on here?

Jodie: Just putting up some posters.

(DARIA and Jane examen the poster)

DARIA: celebrity death match is coming to LAWNDALE?

Jodie: Yea, I've been placed in charge of selling the tickets by the student
council.

Jane: but this isn't even going to be a school activity, is it?

Jodie: Yes and no. It isn't a school activity but because there isn't any
place else they can set up, Mrs. LI said they could set up in the school gym,
for a fee, (beat) and the right to sell T shirts and other merchandise.

DARIA: figures

Jane: well Known celebrity's dukeing it out to the death in our own school
gym. WE GOTTA GO.  How much are the tickets.

Jodie: Thirty dollars. You guys haven't heard the worst part of this.

DARIA: Let me guess their accepting volunteers.

Jodie: how'd you Know?

DARIA: Wild guess

Jane: and who's bright Idea was this?

Jodie: Who else would want to kill a man in front of thousands of people for
the fun of it.

Jane and DARIA: Mrs. Barch

Jodie: From what I'm told this thing will consist entirely of volunteers. It's
supposed to be a special edition type deal.

DARIA: And your supporting this thing?

Jodie: Not really, but I have to admit there are a few people in this town I
wouldn't mind seeing dismembered.

Jane: Has anybody signed up yet?

Jodie: a few people but since the whole deal will consist of only three
matches you have to explain to the committee who you want to fight and why,
Then the challenged party has to accept. Last but not least the committee goes
through the list of volunteers and selects the six people whom they think will
make for the most interesting show.

DARIA: So who has signed up already?

Jodie: I'll give you two guesses

Jane: but chances are we'll only need one.

Jane and DARIA: Mrs. Barch!!

(cut two DARIA and Jane running down the road, DARIA has been out of breath
most of the run.)

(The two of them finally get back to Jane's house where DARIA just stops in
her tracks at the mailbox, bends over and begins trying to catch her breath.)

DARIA:(panting) I am definitely out of shape.

Jane: and sweating up a storm.

DARIA: I'm to tired to give you an evil look, will you take a check?

Jane: do you have multiple forms of ID?...Relax, I can't believe you ran in
that Jacket.

DARIA: I'm so used to wearing it I forgot I had it on.

(DARIA takes her jacket off revealing that tan t-shirt she always wears
underneath)

Jane: ooh la la. I never thought I'd say this but sweat seems to augment your
figure DARIA.

DARIA: What the hell are you talking about? (DARIA looks down to see her shirt
is completely saturated in sweat and is clinging to her body.) I need a
shower, Mind if I borrow yours?

Jane: By all means oh stinky one.

DARIA: oh shut up.

(they both enter the house to see Trent coming up from the basement with his
guitar in hand.)

Jane: Hey Trent, Heading off to a late rehearsal?

Trent: or early, whatever. (notices DARIA) Hey DARIA, (looks down and smiles)
That's a hot shirt. (Trent walks past them to leave)

Jane: Still think he doesn't notice you?

DARIA: (her face has been beat red the whole time) I'm gonna take that shower
now.(quickly walks down the hall to the bathroom)

Jane:(yelling after her) Take your time!!


(Later that evening at the Morgandorffer household.)

Helen: I Can't believe that horrible sport is coming to this town. Doesn't the
state consider that murder?

DARIA: actually mom, from what I understand they have a special permit from
the government. As long as both parties agree to the match and have legitimate
grievances against each other regardless of age, than it's considered a sort
of duel. Which the government doesn't seem to have a problem with since people
have been doing it for hundreds of years.

Helen:(sigh) DARIA, can't you ever side with me on anything?

DARIA: Given the fact that you're my mother and I'm your daughter I believe I
would have to say no. This does not mean of coarse that I condone this
activity, we just have a similar opinion. From a moral standpoint.

Helen: DARIA for g.....(Helen stops to think at what her daughter said. Then
gets up from the table looking confused. )

(DARIA gets up from the table and heads up to her room where she picks up a
ringing phone by her bed.)

DARIA: Vito's house of pizza, vito speaking.

Jane: How's it going vito, still recovering from that shower?

DARIA: Ha.Ha.Ha Jane. What did you want to talk to me about?

Jane: I wanted to see if you were coming to the c.d.m this Saturday.

DARIA: hmm, tough call. what's my motivation again?

Jane: Oh you didn't hear?

DARIA: Hear what?

Jane: Mrs. Barch and Mr. Dimartino challenged each other. Barch is going to
eat him alive.

DARIA: been taking lessons from the praying mantis I see.

Jane: of coarse. so are you coming?

DARIA: Has anyone else challenged each other?

Jane: not yet but seeing Dimartino get his head ripped off should be incentive
enough.

DARIA: Hmm, you may be right, if this thing is as messy as it is on tv than
you better bring some umbrellas. Incidentally, is Trent going to this thing?

Jane: Trent's IN this thing.

DARIA: WHAT!!!!

Jane: Relax it's not what you think, They needed a band to play between the
matches and Trent and the band happened to be what they were looking for.

DARIA: you were deliberately trying to give me a heart attack weren't you?

Jane: Maybe I was, maybe I wasn't, I guess you'll never know will you.

DARIA: okaay then. So what time is this thing anyway?

Jane: 7:00 Saturday I think.

DARIA: Okay then,I guess were there. See you in school tomorrow.

Jane: later.

(both hang up)

(cut to lunch period the next day)

(DARIA and are seen Jane eating at their table)

(Jodie approaches their table)

Jodie:(worried look on her face) DARIA your not really going to accept sandi's
challenge are you?

DARIA: What the hell are you talking about?

Jodie: Sandi's challenged you to get in the ring with her.

Jane: your on crack aren't you.

Jodie: guys this is serious, sandi's trying to call DARIA out.

Jane: What the hell for?

Jodie: Sandi's always had misgivings toward DARIA. For not conforming to any
type of fashion is her biggest gripe. I forget what her other reasons were,
something to do with claiming to be Quinn's sister.

DARIA: She challenged me for that? Those reasons go beyond the thinking of
even Beavis and Butthead.

Jodie:(confused) Who?

Jane: She'll explain some other time.

Jodie: So your not going to accept the challenge.

DARIA: unless I completely lose my mind between now and 7 p.m. tomorrow I
would have to say no.

Jodie: That's a relief. (Jodie walks off)

Jane: Hmm...you were given a chance to rid the world of a conceited, shallow
minded, and obnoxious fashion fiend once and for all. And you turned it down.

DARIA: I know, my conscience is already bugging me.

(DARIA and Jane get up to leave.)

(cut to the hallway. DARIA and Jane are in front of Jane's locker for once.)

DARIA: You Know what? This is the first time I've actually seen inside your
locker. It looks like a smaller version of your room.

Jane: Why thank you, such kind remarks from a young lady.

DARIA: You sure your not the one on crack?

Jane: Pretty sure, I get enough of a high from caffeine.

(Jane spots the fashion club sans Quinn coming down the hallway.)

Jane: oh,hell.(beat) Impending nightmare inbound 5'oclock low.

DARIA: (turning her head to look) Oh good, a migraine is just what I needed.

Jane: Take it this way, at least Quinn isn't with them to say your not her
sister. Speaking of which, where is Quinn? I haven't seen her avoiding you for
days.

DARIA: My mom made her go to visit my Grand father. She said he needed
cheering up.

Jane: So that's why you've been so chipper,..until now.

(Sandi walks up to DARIA and gives her a shove)

Sandi: SO...I heard you couldn't rise to meet my little challenge.

DARIA: It had nothing to do with rising. I just didn't want to stoop to your
level of stupidity and arrogance.

(Stacy gets a chuckle at this)

(Sandi glares at Stacy)

Tiffany: your not chicken are you DARIA?

DARIA: excuse me?

Jane: They want to know if your afraid to wedge your combat boots so far up
Sandi's ass that she'd puke your shoelaces.

DARIA: well that was Graphic.

Jane: I thought so.

Sandi: so are you going to fight me or do I have to give you some sort of
incentive?

DARIA: There is no incentive on this earth that would make me want to fight
with you or anybody else.

Sandi: oh yea, Grabs DARIA by the skirt and pantses her in front of everybody
in the hallway.

(DARIA is to humiliated to say anything as people in the hallway stare at her
briefly and then continue about their business)

(DARIA repositions her skirt about her waste but is still to mortified to say
anything.)

Sandi: She must be chicken.(Sandi and the fashion club begin walking away)

Tiffany: Sandi, I can't believe you did that. Even DARIA Didn't deserve that.

Stacie: Yea, sandi. That was way out of line

(DARIA is still standing by Jane's locker fuming)

Jane: (waving her hand in front of DARIA's face) um, DARIA. Are you Okay?

DARIA:(DARIA snaps out of her trance and shouts in an almost demonic voice you
wouldn't imagine coming from DARIA.) SANDI......YOU WILL DIE FOR THIS.

(Sandi stops for a moment, smirks, and resumes walking)

Jane: where the HELL did that come from??

(DARIA ignores Jane and swiftly walks to the school office and signs the
registration form to accept Sandi's challenge. Then walks out of the office
and back to Jane's locker.

Jane: Did you Just do what I think you did?

DARIA: Damn straight. your not going criticize me or try to stop me from doing
it are you.

Jane: (thinks for a minute) no, I have to say I would have come to the same
choice.

DARIA: Thank you for that Jane.

Jane: are you really going to kill her?

DARIA:(sighs) no, I'm just going to humiliate her by beating the living crap
out of her in front of thousands of people. Unless I have absolutely no other
alternative. In which case I intend to use my special gift.

Jane: Your actually considering using that thing.

DARIA: Only if I have to. according to the rules each fighter is allowed one
weapon of choice, but I shouldn't have a problem keeping it hand to hand.

(Jane and DARIA begin to walk swiftly down the hallway toward the exit of the
school.)

(Pan back to Jane's locker to see DARIA's guardian angel. visible only to us
of coarse.)

Guardian angel:(looking at the reader of this story and smiling) okay so I got
carried away with the voice. I couldn't resist. (fades from view)


(Jane and DARIA are seen walking down the sidewalk)

Jane: So when you signed the challenge acceptance form did you see the names
of the other volunteers?

DARIA: yes, and I am sad to say that there is a most definite chance of Sandi
and I facing each other tomorrow night.

Jane: what makes you so certain?

DARIA: Because the only people on the list were Mrs. Barch, Mr. Dimartino,
Mike Mackenzie, Kevin Thompson, Sandi, and Myself.

Jane: Not much for the committee to select from.

DARIA: Not really, I guess the people in LAWNDALE are smarter than I thought.

Jane: yea, who'd have thought. Listen I'm going to be the coach in your corner
right?

DARIA: what?

Jane: well, somebody's got to offer you moral support while your kicking
Sandi's ass.

DARIA: Confidant aren't we.

Jane: are you kidding? Brains versus fashion. no contest....But um, In case
things turn sour I was wondering if it might be a good Idea to at least break
the ice with Trent.

DARIA: you'll never stop will you?

Jane: not as long as I'm your best friend.

(DARIA gives her Mona Lisa smile as the Two of them are seen walking into
Jane's house)


(cut to Saturday around 4:00)

(DARIA and Jane are seen entering the school's main entrance while carrying a
long slender object wrapped in cloth to conceal it and encountering a tall
blond haired woman holding a microphone and a camera man who is standing
behind her.)

Blond: DARIA Morgandorffer?

DARIA: perhaps.

Blond: I'm Stacy Cornbread. I'm one of the commentators for celebrity death
match. I'd like to get some background information and possibly an interview
from you.

DARIA: You want to interview me?

Cornbread: Yes, if you don't mind.

Jane: DARIA mind, nah, your talking to the queen of gab here.

(DARIA turns to face Jane and glares)

Cornbread: Okay then, let's get to it. (DARIA gives her various statistics on
herself. height, weight, etc.) DARIA, is there a specific reason why you've
chosen to accept Sandi Griffin's challenge?

DARIA: yes, but it's personal.

Cornbread: Okay then, What are your personal feelings on this fight?

DARIA: (thinks for a moment)Hmm. my feelings on this fight, well here goes.
(she inhales deeply and lets out a loud belch.)

Jane: And that's all she has to say about that.

(They both walk past a slightly amused Stacy Cornbread and make their way to
the locker room.)

DARIA: well that was interesting.

Jane: you thought so to huh.

(DARIA begins to get changed into a pair of shorts she borrowed from Jane and
a black t-shirt from her own closet.)

(Jane flicks on a t.v that has been placed in their locker room. You can hear
the opening announcements for celebrity death match. I.E. a airhorn sounding
in the background and music coming from mystic spiral as they warm up.)

Announcer1: Hi, I'm Nick Diamond

Announcer2: I'm Johnny Gomez

Announcer3: And I'm stone cold Steve Austin

Diamond: welcome to CELEBRITY DEATH MATCH special edition. Tonight's fight's
should prove to be nothing if not unique eh Johnny?

Gomez: That's right Nick. Tonight's death match takes place in a small town
that's none other than LAWNDALE, where instead of our typical celebrities we
have actually allowed volunteers from the local community to participate in
this competition.

Diamond: Hold on for a second Johnny, I'm being told that we have to allow one
of our sponsors who just so happens to be the principal of this high school
that we've been allowed to set up in, to say a few words. (Mrs. Li barges on
to the set and snatches the mic from stone cold.)

Stone cold: Hey, what the!

Li: Thank you Mr. Ice cube.

Stone Cold: That's Stone cold.

Li: Whatever. I'd Just like to mention to those student's out in the audience
That proceeds from the merchandising stands will go to increase the level of
security in LAWNDALE high. Those of you who fail to buy something will
summarily be suspended on Monday. Thank you.

(Tosses the mic back to stone cold and marches out of the booth)

Diamond: Well that was different.

Stone cold: Yea I'd like to take that militant bitch and break her in half.

Gomez: Can we say that on the air?

Diamond: Ah who cares, let's give everybody the run down on tonight's
competitors.

Gomez: You got it Nick, People our first match tonight will pit football
player against football player as Michael Jordan Mackenzie of the LAWNDALE
Lions faces off against the quarter back of the same team Kevin Thompson.

Stone cold: Michael Jordan Mackenzie? This guys father was a bulls fan wasn't
he.

Gomez: I have no Idea Stone cold. Let's go to the locker room's with Stacy
cornbread.

Cornbread: Hi, guys while Mr. Mackenzie had no official comment on tonight's
fight his opponent seemed to have a lot to say. (Turns to face Kevin) Mr.
Thompson What are your feelings toward Mr. Mackenzie tonight?

Kevin: You mean mack? He's cool. (faces the camera and yells into It) Yo Mack
Daddy let's show everybody that we can kick some butt!

Brittany:(at his side as always) oh babe!

Cornbread: (Weakly smiles back to the camera as if she's going to be sick)
Back to you Johnny.

Gomez: Well there you have it folks, straight from the mouths of our first
competitors. What do you think so far Stone cold?

Stone cold: Well Johnny, I can't speak for the other guy but it sounds like
Thompson doesn't have a clue as to why he's here. It makes you wonder what
made him sign up in the first place.

(cut back to DARIA's locker room)

DARIA:(watching the t.v screen) a complete and utter lack of intelligence.

Jane: That's putting it lightly. I give this fight thirty second's.

DARIA: You think it'll be that short, I figured it'd be longer just from Kevin
standing around trying to figure out what he's supposed to do.

Jane: No way, Kevin called Mike Mack Daddy on public television. This will be
his chance to be rid of Kevin once and for all.

DARIA: hmm....you may be right.

(cut back to the commentators booth)

Diamond: At any rate. one of our first competitors tonight, Michael Jordan
Mackenzie, weighs in at almost two hundred pounds and appears to be quite a
menacing young football player. Our second competitor on the other hand weighs
in at one hundred and sixty pounds and seems to be clueless.

Gomez: What the hell do you suppose brought these two together tonight?

Stone cold: I have no idea Johnny, but my guess is that this fight won't last
to long.

Diamond: well everybody while were waiting for our first fight to take place
some music will be provided by tonight's in house band MYSTIC SPIRAL.

(The band ques up their instruments and Trent steps up to the mike.)

Trent: Hi, were mystic spiral but we might change our name. I'd like to
dedicate this next song to my good friend DARIA, who has always been there
when I needed some inspiration or just someone to talk to for advice. This
song doesn't have any lyrics because no words can describe what she means to
me. (They begin to play. there are no lyrics to this song it is totally
instrumental)

(Cut to DARIA's locker room)

(DARIA's face is blushing heavily)

Jane: Whoa! I knew he was going to say something but not that direct.

(DARIA just sit's there listening to the song. a Tear slowly runs down her
cheek as she smiles.)

(Jane looks to see how much the song has moved DARIA and smiles contently)

(cut back to the commentators booth as the song is finished)

Stone cold: Hell, those boys have some talent

Diamond: I didn't think they were bad either.(beat) Hold on I can see our
first competitors are being led out to the ring as our first match is about to
get under way.

(cut to the ring)

Mills Lane: Okay you two, here are the rules. I want a good clean fight, obey
my commands at all times. got it?(doesn't wait for an answer) "Let's get it
on". (Mills lane puts some space between them.)

Kevin: What does he mean he want's a good fight Mack Daddy?

Mack:(chuckles as he reaches out and gingerly takes Kevin's football)

Mills lane:(scratches his head) What the hell are you standing around for? I
said fight dammit!

(Mack takes several steps backward while still chuckling to himself)

Kevin: (still confused) What's going on Mack Daddy?

Mack: Kevin for the last time (Throws the ball at Kevin as hard as he can. The
Ball impales Kevin in the chest and exits through his back) DON'T call me Mack
Daddy. (Kevin simply collapses to the floor and Mack is declared the winner)

(cut to commentators booth)

Gomez: well that was short.

(cut to DARIA's locker room)

DARIA: Looks like you win Jane.

Jane:(Takes a twenty from DARIA) Of coarse.

(cut back to the commentators booth)

Stone cold: Hell, that wasn't even a fight. Thompson got dropped within thirty
seconds. I haven't seen a fight that short since saschuatch faced the lock
ness monster.

Diamond: I Believe your right and the crowd doesn't look to happy about it.
(boo's are heard coming from the crowd)

Gomez: well folks that...

(Mrs. Li barges in to the booth once again and snatches stone cold's mike)

Li: People this is Mrs. Li, principal of Laaaaawndale High. I just want to
make it known that there is still plenty of merchandise left so get your asses
to the concession stands. (She tosses the mike back to stone cold and exit's
the booth.)

Stone cold: You know Nick that woman is seriously beginning to piss me off.

Diamond: Your not the only one.

Gomez: As I was saying that brings us to our second fight. a Battle between
the faculty. our competitors for this match are Mrs. Janet Barch weighing in
at one hundred thirty pounds. she is a brown belt in aikido. She also seems to
hold hostility for all men. And Mr.Anthony Dimartino who weighs in at one
hundred forty pounds and has an extreme hatred for stupidity and ignorance.
Incidently I've been told that his blood pressure has dropped dramatically
since Kevin Thompson was killed in our first match.

(cut to DARIA's locker room)

DARIA: gee, I wonder why.

Jane: Don't worry, Brittany is still enough to keep it up there.

(cut to commentators booth)

Diamond: Well I can see our competitors entering the ring now.

Stone cold: Nick, this fight looks like it should be a lot more interesting.
both fighters know why they are here, one is a vicious life sucking bitch who
still hasn't gotten over her divorce. The other is a rabid history teacher who
is tired of dealing with EVERYBODY.

(cut to the ring)

Mills Lane: okay you two, you know the rules. "Let's get it on"

Barch: Prepare to eat the mat you man.

(she dives at him but Dimartino ducks and she get's tangled in the ropes.)

(Dimartino Drags her free of the ropes and body slams her headfirst into the
mat.)

Dimartino:(panting) you have no Idea how long I've wanted to do that to
somebody. (He moves to grab her again but Barch recovers and kicks him away)

Barch: you'll pay for that male scum.

(she performs a reverse spinning kick and leaves a foot mark on Dimartino's
face as he stumbles backward in a daze)

(Dimartino recovers just in time to see Barch running at her. He quickly steps
aside and clotheslines her sending her to the mat in pain)

(Dimartino stands nearby deciding on what his next move should be)

(Barch starts to get up so Dimartino quickly decides to finish her off with a
pile driver. This renders her uncontious but not dead.)

(Mills lane counts to ten and declares Dimartino the winner)

(cut to DARIA's locker room)

DARIA: Now THAT I never would have seen coming in a million years.

Jane: Guess it's one million A.D already huh?

DARIA: funny.

(cut to commentators booth)

Stone cold: Well Johnny, that fight didn't turn out the way people thought it
would but I have to admit, I think Dimartino was enjoying that fight just a
little to much.

Gomez: I have to agree with you there.

Diamond: Well folks were going to take a half hour break here at Celebrity
Death Match. Meanwhile entertainment will be provided by our in house band
Mystic Spiral.

Stone cold: Also I've been asked once again by Commander Ass hole, the school
principal, to inform you that the concession stands are still open so if you
want a cold drink, something to eat, or some rinky dink souvenir then head on
down there now so this bitch will get out of my face.

(Cut to Mystic Spiral as they key up and begin to play an assortment of songs
they've written. The play list includes Ice box woman, little sister, DARIA's
dedication, Jane's theme and a few other songs.)

(cut to DARIA's locker room)

Jane: So do you think your ready for this?

DARIA: Raring.(beat) Does Trent Know I'm competing in this thing?

Jane: He Knows your ATTENDING this thing. I never mentioned to him that you
were competing.

DARIA: I wonder how he'll take it.

Jane: Worst case scenario, he'll flip, try to intervene and someone will
restrain him, but to be honest I think he'll keep his cool until the fight
ends. Then he'll flip.

DARIA: Are you trying to make me feel better about this?

Jane: Perhaps.

(both turn their heads to the t.v to watch mystic spiral play their gig.)

(Half an hour later The commentators re-enter their booth and key up their
mikes.)

Diamond: okay people were back here at celebrity death match. First off we'd
like everybody to give a warm round of applause for Mystic Spiral. They were
great tonight. (sound of applause comes from the audience.)

Gomez: And That of coarse Brings us to our third and final fight. Nick why
don't you bring us up to speed on these two fighters.

Diamond: you got it Johnny, The first of these two competitors is Sandi
Griffin. At Five foot five and One hundred and Twenty five pounds she is the
notorious president of the LAWNDALE fashion club. Johnny this girl treats waif
magazine like it's god. I wouldn't be surprised if you found a shrine in her
basement. The second of these two competitors Is DARIA Morgandorffer. At Five
foot four and one hundred eighteen pounds she is an intelligent young student
with an extremely realistic view on life. Apparently The LAWNDALE fashion club
shuns such thinking which is what has brought these two together tonight.

Stone cold: Nick, This DARIA Kid is my kind of girl. She's smart, never afraid
to speak her mind, and would rather roast in hell before conforming to such
shallow beliefs such as those carried by the fashion club.

Gomez: Did you actually talk to this girl stone cold.

Stone cold: I did talk to Sandi Griffin. All she could talk about was that my
clothes didn't conform to current trends. It made me want to puke. I was not
able to talk with DARIA but I did manage to overhear the interview she gave
Stacy Cornbread.

Gomez: sounds like you approved of what you heard.

Stone cold: You got that right.

Diamond: Well Johnny I can see our competitors are being escorted to the ring.
It looks like each of them has a friend with them, probably for moral support.

(Cut to the ring)

(Jane is standing in DARIA's corner just outside the ring.)

(Tiffany is in sandi's corner. Same position)

(Just outside of each competitors corner is a table with a small assortment of
medieval weaponry)

(DARIA and Sandi meet at the center of the ring)

Sandi: Prepare to die Brain!

DARIA: Are you talking to me or giving orders to yourself?

Mills Lane: Okay, I've explained the rules to you both. I expect a good clean
fight. "Let's get it on"

(Sandi Immediately charges at DARIA who just steps aside at the last moment
and let's Sandi stumble past her.)

Sandi: What are you to afraid to fight me?

DARIA: Oh I'll fight, but not on your terms.

(Sandi attempts to tackle DARIA but she shoves one of her boots into Sandi's
gut and tosses her as DARIA goes down. Sandi is seen hitting the ropes back
first.)

Sandi: you little bitch.

(Sandi charges DARIA again. This time DARIA waits until Sandi is almost on her
then extends her arm and clotheslines Sandi )

(Sandi is seen Trying to catch her breath as DARIA walks up and gives her a
swift kick in the head with her combat boots)

(Sandi falls to the matt and slowly tries to get up.)

(DARIA simply walks back to her corner and waits to see what Sandi does next)

Jane: so...how are the kids?

DARIA: Funny Jane:

Jane: Think she'll get up?

DARIA: she's definitely trying.

(They watch as Sandi Struggles to get to her feet. Meanwhile Mills Lane has
begun to count.)

Jane: Aw shit.....look.

(DARIA turns her head to see Sandi coming to her feet and growling)

DARIA: you get the feeling she's pissed?

(Sandi turns to Tiffany and yells for her to pass her a weapon. Tiffany hands
her a sword.)

Jane: Whatever would make you think that?

(DARIA moves away from her corner in preparation to confront sandi again.)

Sandi: (panting) Your going down bitch.

(Sandi swings the sword as hard as she can.)

(DARIA turns to get out of the way but the sword still grazes her thigh making
a nice long gash in the shorts clear up to her hips. Only a paper cut like
scratch is left on DARIA's skin though.)

DARIA: SHIT....Son of a....

(Sandi goes to swing again but DARIA ducks and kicks Sandi's legs out from
under her. Then jogs off to her corner.)

(Jane see's her coming and has already unwrapped DARIA's special gift)

Jane:(as DARIA approaches her ) I think this is getting a little to real
Daria..

DARIA: (as Jane chucks the staff weapon to her) Yea, I think I've had enough
fun for one night. I'm about ready to get this over with.

(DARIA turns to face Sandi as she get's up. Then she snaps open the staff
weapon and levels it at Sandi.)

(Sandi let's out a scream and charges DARIA again. DARIA quickly aims at the
mat just ahead of Sandi and Fires. The blast creates a huge crater in the
floor of the ring, showers the audience with debris and sends Sandi Flying to
the opposite side of the ring Knocking her uncontious. (but Not killing her)

(Tiffany was merely knocked on her ass since she was farther away than Sandi
was )

Mills lane: HOLY SHIT.. (Looks to see Sandi lying uncontious on the mat and
walks over and begins the count. After that DARIA is declared the winner)

Jane: (as she wraps the staff weapon back up in cloth) Now that was a kick
ass fight.

(Mrs. Li is seen running into the ring.)

Li: What the hell have you done here?  You've completely destroyed private
property.

(Li continues to bitch as we cut to the commentators booth)

Gomez: What the hell is going on down there?

Diamond: Well Johnny it looks like Principal Li is yelling at DARIA for
blowing a hole in the ring.

Gomez: Why? it doesn't even belong to the school. it's the property of
celebrity death match, and as long as it made for a good fight the owners of
the show don't care what happens to it. Besides I thought that was cool as
hell.

(Stone cold gets up to leave)

Diamond: Hey Stone cold, where are you going?

Stone cold: I've had it with that tyrannical bitch.

(Stone cold makes his way down to the ring where Mrs. Li is still at it)

Li: And for you actions you are both suspended for a month.

DARIA and Jane: what!!!

(Just then Mrs. Li is seized at the back of the neck and tossed to the floor
by none other than Stone cold Steve Austin)

Stone cold: I thought I could tolerate your incecent bitching, but this is the
straw that broke the camels back. First you repeatedly barge into our booth to
make dictatorial demands to the students among the audience that they have to
buy something from the concession stands or face punishment. Then you come
down here after a perfectly good show and rag on these young girls here for
breaking something that isn't even yours. So you Know what I'm going to do?

(he picks her up by the back of the shirt)

(DARIA and Jane just stand back and watch in amazement That Li is finally
getting what's been coming to her for so long)

Stone cold: (shouting to the Crowd) Ladies and gentleman This woman has been a
bitch and a dictator to you and a royal pain in my ass. So if any of you
people would like to see me pound this person into the mat, "give me a hell
yea!"

(Crowd shouts whole heartedly "Hell yea")

(Stone cold picks her up and body slams her onto the mat and then get's up)

Stone cold: (shouts to the crowd again)If any of you people would like to see
me toss this person out of the ring, then "give me another hell yea"

(Crowd shouts "hell Yea"!)

(Stone cold tosses her out of the ring into the audience)

(he then climbs down from the ring and places his hand on DARIA's shoulder and
shouts to the crowd)

Stone cold: I just want to congratulate DARIA here on a great fight, I also
would like to say Intelligence is a far more effective tool than conformity or
manipulation, and for making extensive use of that intelligence DARIA here has
earned my deepest respect. And that's the bottom line, because Stone cold said
so! So without further adue, If any of you people would like to see me lock
Mrs. Li into the trunk of her own car then "give me one more hell yea!"

(Crowd shouts "hell yea"!)

(Stone cold is seen Dragging Li out to the parking lot followed by dozens of
students who want to see this happen.)

(Cut to the commentator's  booth)

Gomez: Well I guess that wraps things up here. I'm Johnny Gomez.

Diamond: And I'm Nick Diamond

Gomez: good fight, good (The loud beeping of an alarm is heard)

(That whole scene vanishes and we see DARIA bolt upright out of her sleep)

(DARIA looks around her room to see snow on the t.v and the case to celebrity
death match volume one sitting on top of the VCR. She looks at her clock and
notices that she has to get up for school. She get's up, get's dressed and
heads to Jane's)

DARIA: (walking down the sidewalk next to Jane) you wouldn't believe the dream
I had last night.

La.la.la.la.la

The beutiful people my Marilyn Manson plays in the background as various alter
egos of the Daria characters are displayed along with the credits.

To understand where the staff weapon came from read through the gate.

"Give me a hell yea", another hell yea, and one more hell yea are trademark
phrases used by stone cold Steve Austin.

"And that's the bottom line Because stone cold Said so" is also a trademark
phrase of stone cold Steve Austin.

"Let's get it on" is a trademark phrase commonly used by Mills Lane.

Jane's Theme was actually a fanfic written by raven but I figured Trent could
have written a song with that title as well.