Lawndale Beauty
By Thomas

Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(Outside the Morgendorffer's house. A big Mercedes drives off. Helen, Jake and Quinn are waving goodbye)

Jake: To think, our little girl is leaving us so soon.

Helen: Jake. Daria is going on a small vacation with the Sloane's. She doesn't leave for college until the end of next month.

Quinn: Yeah, dad. And besides, Tom promised to take good care of her.

(Helen looks cross at Quinn)

Quinn: What? He did. Where's she going by the way? I forgot to ask her.

Helen: The Sloane's are spending this week at a private beach owned by a cousin of Angier.

Quinn: What!? You mean Daria is going to the beach too? But, mu-oom, how can I live in a world where even the unpopular people go to the beach and I don't?

Helen: Quinn, we seem to have had this conversation several times before. We can't go to the beach.

Jake: Besides, kiddo, why would you want to go to some boring beach when you can stay here with us?

Quinn: Mu-ooom. We have to go to the beach. Stacy, Sandi and Tiffany are at the beach with their families. What would you say if your friends called you "the beachless girl"?

Helen: That they weren't my friends.

Quinn: But I'm still on vacation. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

Helen: And I'm telling you we can't go. Your dad and I have work to do, and this weekend we have to be at my company's barbecue.

Quinn: Hmmm, I know. How about letting me have the car so I can go to the beach by myself?

Helen: Absolutely no way.

Quinn: I bet you'd let Daria do it.

Helen: Yes we would...

Jake: We would!?

Helen: Yes, Jake. Because Daria is an adult now. But you, young lady, don't graduate until next year.

Quinn: Can I go if I found a boyfriend to take me?

(Helen and Jake look angry at Quinn)

Quinn: What!?

(Outside the Lane's house. Mystik Spiral are getting ready to drive away in the tank. Jane is saying goodbye)

Max: World tour, world tour.

Jane: That's funny. I could have sworn you were heading for Oakwood.

Nick: But that still makes it our biggest tour yet.

Jane: One city in one week?

Jesse: Like he said. Our biggest tour yet.

Trent: Don't worry, Jane. We'll be fine. You're the one I'm worried about.

Jane: Trent, I think I can manage one week on my own. I'm doing an "art surprise" project. I'm going to make a piece of art out of whatever I find in the garage.

Trent: Oh yeah. Mom did ask us to clean it before she got back.

Jane: If you have to get technical about it...

Trent: I suppose I could stay and give you a hand.

Jesse: But what about our tour?

Jane: Trent. I can manage. Now get going.

Trent: Bye then.

(Trent and Jane hug. Trent gets into the tank and drives off)

(Quinn's room. Quinn is lying on her bed reading Waif. The phone rings. Quinn answers it. Split screen between Quinn and the 3 J's who are standing in a phone-booth at the beach)

Jamie: Hi, Quinn. Can you guess who this is?

Quinn: Johnny?

Jamie: No, it's Jamie.

Quinn: (lightens up) Have you called to ask me out?

Jamie: No, not this time. I'm at the beach with Joey and Jeffy. And we're wondering if you want us to bring you some seashells.

Joey: I'll bring you the most.

Jeffy: I'll bring you the biggest.

Jamie: And I'll bring you the heaviest.

(Quinn hangs up. Cut to Quinn's room)

Quinn: Is there no pity? Why must I suffer so much? I bet I'm suffering more than anyone else right now.

(Lane's garage. Jane is carrying its contents out on the lawn. Among them some old planks with nails sticking out of them. Jane drops them on the ground. As she turns she steps on one of the planks where a nail was sticking out)


(The beach. Sam and Chris are covering Sandi, who has fallen asleep, up to the neck in sand)

Chris: You don't think we'll get in trouble over this do you?

Sam: Why should we. Dad asked us to play with Sandi.

Chris: How much money do you think mom will pay to learn where we buried her?

Sam: Should be worth at least $50.

Chris: Wow.

(Cedar at Lawndale. Jane is sitting on a bed in the ER. Her right foot has been bandaged. Dr Phillips walks over to her)

Dr Phillips: So you're the girl trying to imitate Christ?

Jane: Do you make fun of all your patients? And how soon can I get out of here?

Dr Phillips: Sure you don't want to stay here a few days for observation?

Jane: Can I get a room for myself?

Dr Phillips: Not with just an injured foot. But I can put you in a room with a girl who tried to imitate Saint Maurus. She doesn't talk much.

Jane: Can I do some art while I'm here?

Dr Phillips: You're an artist? Then it's a good thing it wasn't your left foot. (laughs)

Jane: You know, I really think I want to get out of here.

Dr Phillips: About that. Luckily if was just a flesh wound. But you shouldn't try and walk on it for a week or so. In fact, with the pain killers I've given you, you shouldn't try and walk at all. Is there someone who can take care of you in the meantime?

Jane: Not really. Everyone I know is out of town these days.

Dr Phillips: Everyone?

Jane: (sigh) Can I borrow a phone?

(Helen's office. Helen is sitting at her desk. Marianne is working at the computer. The phone rings. Marianne answers it)

Marianne: It's your daughter's friend, Jane. She wants to talk to you.

Helen: What can that be about? (picks up the phone) Hi, Jane. You're where? But why do you want me to represent you? Oh you don't, you just want a ride home. But can't you get... No I guess you can't. (sigh) Alright. I guess I can drop by in an hour. Bye now.

(Helen hangs up. Eric enters)

Eric: Hi, Helen. Can I ask you something?

Helen: Oh sure. What is it?

Eric: How would you like to hold the barbecue this weekend at your house?

Helen: At my house? But I thought Bob from human resources was supposed...

Eric: I know. But I just found out he got fired a week ago.

Helen: He did? I guess it has been awhile since I last saw him. But why my house?

Eric: Well, you know, Helen, this is the kind of thing that could pave your way to partnership. Having the other partners get a look at your perfect family could really make an impression.

Helen: Really? I guess we can have it at my house then.

Eric: That's the spirit. I can't wait to see your daughters again. The smart and the pretty one.

Helen: Now, Eric. Both my girls are smart and pretty. Just not in equal amounts.

Eric: (smiles) So the one can become a lawyer, and then the other can be her secretary?

Helen: (fake laugh) Oh, Eric. But you see. Daria. My oldest daughter isn't here...

Eric: Daria. She's the blond. Am I right?

Helen: No. Daria isn't blond. You may be thinking of Jared's daughter, Cassandra.

Eric: I am? Haven't seen Daria in over a year. Guess I've forgotten what she looks like.

Helen: I see...

(As Eric turns his back to Helen she takes the picture of Daria on her desk and hides it in her top drawer. Marianne stares at her with open mouth. Helen sends her a "not one word" look)

(Helen's SUV. Helen is driving. Jane is sitting in the passenger seat)

Jane: I can't really say how much I appreciate this.

Helen: Nonsense. I'm happy to help a friend of my daughter. Although I got worried when you first called. I thought you wanted me to sue the hospital. I'm more of a hospital defender you see.

Jane: I bet you're good at that. Huh?

Helen: Oh yeah. You should have seen me in court. I squashed those leukemia patients like bugs.

Jane: The reason I called you was that I wanted to ask if you could have... (sigh) Quinn drop by my house once a day, and see how I'm doing. I'll pay her of course.

(They drive past Jane's house)

Jane: You know, I could have sworn that was my house.

Helen: Please Jane. I can't have you sitting in your house all alone. Even Daria wouldn't want to do that. You're staying at our house until you can walk again.

Jane: (surprised) I am?

(Quinn's room. Quinn is on the phone)

Quinn: Hi, Mrs. Rowe. It's Quinn. Can I talk with Stacy? What do you mean "no"? So maybe I did make her cry last time I called, but how was I supposed to know you had bought an ugly bikini for her. Hello? hello?

(Quinn hangs up. Just then Jake walks past the doorway carrying Jane in his arms)

Quinn: (voiceover) What was that?

(Daria's room. Jake puts Jane down on Daria's chair)

Jake: I guess you can stay in here until Daria comes back. I'll come back when it's time for dinner.

(Jane starts crying)

Jake: (nervous) But if you'd rather want to eat in here...

Jane: (crying) You and your wife. You're so good to me. You take care of me, you let me stay here. And I haven't done anything to deserve it.

Jake: There, there. (puts a hand on Jane's shoulder)

(Jane hugs Jake)

Jake: Um... Jane?

Jane: Do you mind holding me? Just for a little while.

Jake: Sure. (puts his arms around Jane)

(Quinn peaks in and sees them. She gets a look of complete shock on her face)

(The Griffin's beach house. Sandi is talking with Linda)

Sandi: But what about their arms? Let me at least break their arms.

Linda: No.

Sandi: One arm then? (pause) The left?

Linda: No. You know I'll forgive you whatever you do. Except hurting your brothers. You'll just have to make someone else suffer for what they did to you. (leaves)

Sandi: But who? I don't know anyone here.

(The phone rings. Sandi answers it. Split camera between Sandi and Quinn)

Sandi: Yes?

Quinn: Hi, Sandi. It's me. You're not going to believe what's happened.

Sandi: Let me guess. Your sister buried you in the sand and refused to say where.

Quinn: No. What makes you think that?

Sandi: Nevermind. What is it?

Quinn: I think my dad is having an affair with Jane, you know, my sister's friend.

Sandi: Well. Obviously you must be mistaken. How could any girl want to have an affair with your dad?

Quinn: But I've seen it. They're sitting in my sister's room right now. And they're hugging.

Sandi: Jane. Isn't she the one your sister stole a boyfriend from?

Quinn: Yeah.

Sandi: There we have it. She's trying to get back at Daria by stealing her dad. Possibly by luring him with sex.

Quinn: (frightened) You think so?

Sandi: Better keep an eye on them Quinn. Your mom will need you as a witness when she gets a divorce.

Quinn: Oh-no. I've got to go.

(Quinn hangs up. Cut to the Griffin's beach house)

Sandi: (voiceover) Mom was right. I feel much better now.

(Morgendorffer livingroom. Jane is sitting on the couch watching TV)

TV: Back from the dead as the new weapon against Christianity. Robo-Nietzsche. Next on Sick Sad World.

(Helen walks over to her)

Helen: Jane. There's something I want to ask you. You probably know Daria the best, don't you?

Jane: Three... Naaa. Let's make that ten questions max this time.

Helen: No not that. After the incident with the... box (1), she's become much easier to talk to. It's something else I want to ask you. You see, I'm having a company barbecue this weekend. And I want to make a good impression.

Jane: Sure. What is it? You want a group painting?

Helen: No. I want to know if you can pretend to be Daria? Just while my colleges are here?

Jane: Excuse me?

Helen: I don't mean now.

(Morgendorffer kitchen. Jane is watching Jake cook dinner)

Jane: Don't you think it's a bit weird? Not that I mind telling a bunch of complete strangers I'm someone I'm not. Seeing how people often don't believe me when I tell them I'm an artist. But if they've seen Daria before, won't they know I'm not her?

Jake: I don't think you got anything to worry about. Helen's co-workers are so superficial they can barely remember who I am... (angry) In fact they remind me a lot of my father. He didn't seem to remember he had a son.

Jane: But at least your dad was around. When I was little my siblings took care of me. And believe me, they sucked at it. Except for Trent that is.

Jake: Oh yeah. Look at this then. (pulls up his right pant) See that scar on my knee? I got that when I fell off my bike and my dad just let me lie on the ground.

Jane: Isn't comparing scars a guy thing?

Jake: Um... You're right.

(Quinn enters)

Quinn: (voiceover) Oh-no. She's making dad show her his leg. I got to do something to make him dislike her, fast. (outloud) So, Jane. Will you be doing any art while you're here?

Jane: Not unless I get my art supplies. Can I get you to bring them over here?

Quinn: You're not planning to do any art inside the house are you?

Jane: (curious) Why not?

Quinn: I just read that artists these days use human excrement to paint with.

Jane: What?

Jake: Eeeeeew! You do that?

Jane: No I don't. I have no idea what she's talking about.

Quinn: So you're one of those who use dead animals instead? Was that the phone? Bye. (leaves)

Jake: Jane, I try and keep an open mind. But in this house we cook dead animals, we don't use them to paint with.

Jane: But Mr. Morgendorffer. I swear...

(Daria's room. Jake carries Jane in and lays her on the bed)

Jake: Anything else you need me for?

Jane: Naaa, I think I can manage undressing myself.

Jake: Well, good night then.

Jane: Wait. There is one thing you can do for me. Have you got anything to read in this house?

(Jake looks at the floor where a huge pile of Daria's books are lying around)

Jane: Some lighter literature I mean. I'm supposed to be on vacation after all.

Jake: Now that you mention it. Helen keeps some books under her side of the bed.

(The hallway. Jake leaves his bedroom with a book in his hand. Quinn leaves her room and sneaks after him. She's wearing a black pajamas)

Quinn: (voiceover) What is dad going back to her room for? I better spy on them.

(Daria's room)

Jake: Will this do?

Jane: What is it?

Jake: Let me see. (opens the book at a random page and starts reading) "Your eyes are like a clear blue lake, oh how I love you. I want to take you here and now".

Quinn: (Off camera) Eeep!

Jane: Did you hear something?

Jake: Let me see. (walks over to the door and peaks out) Nope. No one's here.

Jane: Well I suppose that book will do. It's definitely not deep literature, that's for sure.

Jake: (hands Jane the book) About this book. I mean you're a woman right?

Jane: I'm know for having two X-chromosomes, yes.

Jake: What I want to ask... Do you think Helen reading this kind of books may mean something?

Jane: (sighs) I can't imagine you got anything to worry about. Your wife probably reads them to get in the mood.

Jake: (lightens up) Yeah. Thanks, Jane. (leaves)

Jane: (voiceover) How did Daria ever manage to survive 18 years of this?

(Morgendorffer kitchen. Jane is having breakfast. Jake enters)

Jake: There you are. How did you get down here?

Jane: I jumped on one leg. My foot didn't hurt so bad this morning, so I decided to see if I can manage without the painkillers. I made you some coffee.

Jake: Thanks.

(Jake drinks his coffee and eats a bagel)

Jake: I better get to work now. See you later.

Jane: See you.

(Jake leaves. Quinn enters. She sits at the table and starts sending Jane dirty looks)

Jane: Can you hand me the milk?

Quinn: (angry) So maybe Daria took Tom, but that doesn't give you the right to do this you know. I know my dad isn't the greatest dad in the world. But he's my dad and you can't have him. I'll fight you till my last drop of rouge nail polish.

Jane: Okaaay. How about the orange juice? Can I at least have the orange juice?

Quinn: (voiceover) She's unrepentant. I have to get her away from dad. I can't let that moral vacuum cleaner have him. But how?

(Morgendorffer livingroom. Helen is sitting on the couch. Quinn walks over to her)

Quinn: Mom, can I have a word with you?

Helen: Sure, sweetie. As long as it's not about going to the beach.

Quinn: Um...

Helen: Quinn, go to your room.

Quinn: But mu-oom. I haven't said anything yet.

Helen: No, but you were going to.

Quinn: Listen. You won't let me go to the beach on my own, right?

Helen: Right.

Quinn: And you won't let me go with a temporary boyfriend, right?

Helen: (dryly) Right.

Quinn: Can I go with a girl then?

Helen: No. Your friends won't do. I'll only let you go with an adult. And I seriously doubt you can get Daria to take you.

Quinn: How about Jane then? She's an adult.

Helen: But what makes you think Jane would go to the beach with you?

Quinn: I bet she would if you bri... asked her.

Helen: And why would I do that?

Quinn: Um... Because then I would stop bothering you.

Helen: (thoughtful) Hmmmm.

(The beach. Sandi is walking around in the dunes. She keeps looking around as to make sure she's alone, then she lies down and closes her eyes. The heads of Sam and Chris pops up behind the ridge of a dune. They both have big grins on their faces)

(The beach. Jane is sitting on the sand. She's wearing one of Quinn's bikinis and is reading the book Jake gave her. Her right foot is still wrapped in bandages. Quinn, also wearing a bikini, runs over to her)

Quinn: This is so great. I had four guys ask me out already.

Jane: Sorry. But I promised your mom to keep you from dating.

Quinn: That's not true!

Jane: Technically no. I did however promise to have you back in Lawndale before midnight. But I'm thinking we should make that nine o'clock instead.

Quinn: Come on. Don't you like it here?

Jane: Despite the 50 your mom gave me, no I don't. My foot keeps me from swimming, and I just found out that guys tend to avoid girls with bandages. On top of that there is some girl in the dunes behind me who keeps calling for her brothers to dig her out, so she can kill them.

Quinn: Sandi?

(Behind a dune. Sandi has been buried up to the neck in sand)

Sandi: (loud) You little turds. Just wait until tonight. I'll pour boiling oil on you when you sleep.

(Quinn walks over to her)

Quinn: Hi, Sandi. What're you doing?

Sandi: Quinn? How did you get here?

Quinn: I got my mom to let Jane go with me. That way I can also keep her away from my dad.

Sandi: Can you dig me out? I seem to have sunk into the sand while I was working on my tan.

Quinn: Sure. (starts digging Sandi out)

Sandi: So how long are you staying here?

Quinn: Just today. I'm still thinking on what to do about Jane tomorrow.

Sandi: Can't you stay here? We have a spare bedroom at the beach-house we rented. That way you can watch my back... I mean talk fashion with me.

Quinn: (smiles) That would be great. That means I can date one of the cute guys I met... Oh my god, I have to find one of them before they leave. (runs off)

Sandi: Quinn! Come back.

(The Griffin's beach-house. Jane and Sandi are sitting on the couch. Quinn is on the phone)

Quinn: I can? Thanks, mom. Yes I'll be back in time for your barbecue. Yes, mom I'll watch out for Linda. Yes I know she's a witch.

(Sandi looks cross at Quinn)

Quinn: (nervous) A good witch I mean. Bye. (hangs up) Guess what? I can stay.

Jane: Another visitor. Stay awhile. Stay forever. (evil laugh)

(Quinn and Sandi stare at Jane)

Jane: My brother Wind let me have his old Commodore 64. Never heard of Elvin Atombender?

Sandi: Um... Jane-person. Do you think you can, not, talk geeky talk while you're here?

Jane: No problem. If your dad will help me walk back to the car, I'll be on my way.

Quinn: (voiceover) Oh-no. If Jane goes back alone I can't stop her from taking my dad.

Sandi: (voiceover) Oh-no. If Jane leaves, Quinn will go with her. And without her around Sam and Chris will bury me in the sand again.

Quinn: But you can't go. We want you to stay here. Don't we Sandi?

Sandi: Absolutely. We want you here. Having an artist in the house is good.

Jane: You want me here? You never spoke to me once in the three years we went to school together. Not that I wanted you to.

Quinn: Oh, Jane. You got it all wrong. That was because you were an unpopular student. But now that you graduated you're not a student anymore... Unpopular I mean.

Sandi: Yes, Jane, please stay. I'll make you an honorary member of the fashion club.

Jane: Now I really want to leave.

Quinn: Wait. Linda doesn't make lasagna for dinner.

Jane: Hmmm. Okay. I'll stay then.

(Quinn and Sandi look relieved. Linda comes in)

Linda: Quinn? Is your family here too? (to Jane) You must be Daria.

Jane: Not unless you're having a barbecue.

(Quinn laughs nervously)

(A bedroom at the Griffin's beach house. Jane is sitting on the bed changing her bandages. Tom, Sandi's dad, walks by)

Tom: Can I help you with that?

Jane: You a doctor?

Tom: Can't say that. But with two wild sons, some basic first-aid skills often comes in handy. (sits down on Jane's bed and takes her foot)

Jane: Thanks Mr. Griffin.

Tom: That's a nasty cut. Did you try and imitate Christ?

Jane: Sure you're not a doctor?

Tom: The muscles in your foot are all tense. I'll loosen them up before I put a new bandage on. (starts massaging Jane's foot)

Jane: What are you doaaaahh. Oh god.

(Sandi and Quinn walk by the door. They stop and stare at the scenery with open mouths)

Tom: You want me to stop?

Jane: No. Please don't. Keep going.

(Sandi grabs Quinn's arm and drags her away)

(Sandi's bedroom)

Sandi: What's going on here? Why is Jane suddenly flirting with my dad?

Quinn: I don't know. She's insatiable I guess.

Sandi: Wait. My dad's name is the same as your sister's boyfriend. Your sister took her Tom. So now she's trying to take my Tom.

Quinn: Sandi, I don't really think that makes any sense.

Sandi: Oh really? But if you think it's all in my mind. Then there's no reason for Jane to stay here, is there?

Quinn: Yes there is! Can't we find a way to keep her here, and make sure she doesn't come near your dad?

Sandi: Let me see... I think I got an idea. My brothers do as you say don't they?

Quinn: I guess.

(The next day. Jane is lying behind a dune taking a sunbath. Sam and Chris walk over to her. They both carry shovels in their hands)

(The kitchen of the Griffin's beach house. Quinn is making a sandwich. Jane limps over to her)

Quinn: Eeep! I mean how did you get here?

Jane: And where should I be right now? Buried in sand perhaps? Luckily I still had that 50 your mom gave me. It's amazing how cooperative Sam and Chris became after I offered them a bribe. Among other they told me that burying me was your idea.

(Quinn laughs nervously)

Jane: Since I came to your house you have been either hostile or real friendly towards me. When our past relationship has largely consisted of ignoring one another. Now you can either tell me what going on, or you can enter a world of pain.

Quinn: Wait a minute. You can't even walk. I don't have to be scared of you. (puts up her fists)

Jane: Oh really.

(A few moments later. Quinn is lying on the ground. Jane is sitting on top of her and is twisting Quinn's arms)

Quinn: Let go... AAAAAAAH! Of me... AAAAAAAH! Please... AAAAAAAH!!

Jane: Had enough?

Quinn: Yes! I didn't want you flirting with our dads.

Jane: What!? Quinn Morgendorffer, what in the world are you talking about?

Quinn: Last night. I saw you flirting with Sandi's dad.

Jane: He was changing my bandages.

Quinn: I heard my dad tell you he wanted to take you here and now.

Jane: You what? (pause) Oh that. He was reading from the book he gave me.

Quinn: I saw him show you his leg.

Jane: Revisiting old childhood memories.

Quinn: When he first carried you to Daria's room I saw him hug you.

Jane: I was overcome by emotions over your parent's decision to let me stay at your house. I'd forgotten you also lived there.

Quinn: Oh. (pause) I guess I owe you an apology.

Jane: (lets go of Quinn) Accepted. Now if you don't mind I'm going back to Lawndale. I wonder what Daria will say to all this.

Quinn: Please.

Jane: Please what?

Quinn: Please don't tell Daria. She'll get mad at me.

Jane: So what? She's usually always mad at you over something.

Quinn: You don't understand. Since that box... thingie. She been almost friendly towards me. But if you tell her about this, she'll get mad at me again, and maybe I won't get a chance to make up for it before she leaves for college next month. Please, Jane.

Jane: (sigh) Okay. Then I'll keep it a secret. But I'm not staying here another second.

Quinn: (relieved) Thank you, thank you.

Jane: You know, I thought you were smarter than this. Whatever gave you such a silly idea in the first place?

Quinn: (frowns) Come to think of it. That's more of a whom. Can you get back to the car on your own? I have something to take care of first.

(Outside the Griffin's beach house. Sam and Chris are standing at the door. Quinn leaves the house)

Sam: Hi, Quinn.

Chris: You're not mad we told her. Are you?

Quinn: Not if you let me borrow one of your shovels.

(Jake's car. Jane is sitting behind the steering wheel. Quinn gets in)

Quinn: We can go now.

Jane: (starts the car) You look sweaty. What have you been doing?

Quinn: Something I should have done three years ago.

(Behind a dune. Sandi has been buried up to the neck in sand)

Sandi: (yelling) I'll kill you. I'll kill all of you.

(Morgendorffer backyard. Helen is having a barbecue for her coworkers. Jake is standing at the grill. Jane, wearing one of Quinn's dresses, is sitting at a table. Helen walks over to her)

Helen: So how are things going?

Jane: Don't worry. Of the six people who have spoken with me so far, two thought I was Daria, one thought I was Quinn, one thought I was someone called Cassandra, and one tried to flirt with me because he thought I worked in the copy room. Only one asked me if I changed my looks.

Helen: (nervous) Oh?

Jane: He seemed to think my hair used to be green.

Helen: (relieved) Oh good. Don't worry Jane. Just a couple of more hours before they leave.

Jane: What's with this dress by the way? I don't really mind, but Daria would never be seen in it.

Helen: Well. As long as they think you're Daria there is no need for you to dress like her.

(Eric walks over to them)

Eric: Hi, Helen. Great food and all. But what's with those lasagna burgers your husband is making?

Helen: He's what? (fake laugh) I better have a word with him. (leaves)

Eric: So you must be Daria.

Jane: How did you know?

Eric: Because you didn't comment on my tie like Quinn did. Say. Didn't you use to look differently?

Jane: How so?

Eric: Your clothes. I seem to remember you dressing up all depressed.

Jane: (sigh) I know. But this day is important to my mom and I wanted to make her happy.

Eric: Yes. Great girl isn't she. You should have seen her in court last week. She gave that damn tree-hugger a nervous breakdown. (leaves)

Jane: (voiceover) Oh god. How did I let myself get dragged into this? And to think I could have been lying in my bed all week, unable to move around, and with nothing to do but watch TV and eat frozen pizza.

(Jake walks over to her carrying a plate)

Jake: Here, Ja... Daria. You want to try my lasagna burger?

Jane: (voiceover) Oh well. Maybe there are advantages to having Daria's family. At least Daria's dad is there for her, and I bet she never had to listen to her mom using some bogus hippie philosophy about butterflies as an excuse not to care about her. (2)

(Quinn walks past)

Jane: (voiceover) And she also has a little sister to torture. (hugs Jake, outloud) Thanks, dad.

Quinn: Eeep!

(Morgendorffer livingroom. Jane and Quinn are sitting on the couch. Helen is saying goodbye to Eric who is the last to leave)

Eric: You did a great job, Helen. If it was just up to me I'd make you a partner here and now.

Helen: (laughs) Oh, Eric. We don't have to talk about that now. It can wait for tomorrow.

(The door opens. Daria enters. Her face is red as by to much sun)

Helen: Oh, hi... Jane. Eric, this is Jane, Daria's friend. Let's say goodbye outside.

(Daria opens her mouth as to say something. But Helen quickly drags Eric outside and closes the door. Jane limps over and hugs Daria)

Jane: You're back. You have no idea what I've been trough.

Quinn: Hi, Daria. You're probably wondering why mom thinks you're Jane. But there's a simple explanation.

Jane: It's all Quinn's fault.

Quinn: Hey!

Jane: Just kidding.


(1) "Boxing Daria"

(2) "Lane Misserables"