Kick Me

 

Start: Mr. OíNeillís classroom

Mr. OíNeill: Now, alright, class, who can tell me their poetry that they wrote? Kevin, how about you? Would you like to read your poem aloud to the class?

Kevin: Sure. (reciting) I am a QB, and that is what I plan to be: the QB. I date Brittany, my babe, yes, and before I go to a game, I dress as a QB.

Mr. OíNeill: Kevin...um...very nice. Daria?

Daria: Why does he always pick on me?

Jane: Youíre the special one, arenít you?

Daria: God save me.

Mr. OíNeill: Would you like to read your poem aloud to the class?

Daria: Why not? (reciting) Bloody from below... There was an innocent stare with a fake emotional feeling and a hellish grin from a child. Blood seeps and pours through my skin...I can never grin...I am blood. I am from below. I arise with blood on my shoulders because I am blood from hellóbloody from hellóbloody from below.

Mr. OíNeill: Very...interesting, Daria.

(bell rings)

Daria and Jane converse in hallway going out from school.

Jane: Very interesting. Sharing your writings, Daria, thatís a major step up, isnít it?

Daria: Shut up. Iíll never share my works again.

Jane: Reality check.

Tom appears in his car and slows down.

Tom: Hey.

Daria: Hi.

Tom: Ride home?

Daria: Sure.

Jane: Iíll call ya later.

Daria gets in Tomís car on the passenger side as Jane walks away.

(on drive to Morgendorffer house)

Daria: Why the ride?

Tom: Important question.

Daria: Darn, my evil plan has been discovered.

Tom: Since youíre off next Monday...

Daria: Iím planning on murdering a cat.

Tom: ...I was wondering if you wanted to visit my school. Weíre supposed to rope in a friend or person just to make them go to damn prep school but I need someone to go and I was wondering if you wanted to come.

Daria: Sure. Sounds...fun.

Tom: Now I can finally show my school my five-star girlfriend and her sarcasm.

Daria: But let me make a mockery of E.T. first.

Tom: Come on, Daria. The preps at my school arenít diseased... (pause to think) Well at least itís not contagious.

Daria: Alright. Iíll go.

Tom: Great. See you later.

Tom slows at the Morgendorffer house and Daria gets out.

Tom: Come to my house at about 8. Bye.

Tom drives away.

Music cut to Dariaís room. Song: Yellow by Coldplay

Thereís two knocks.

Daria: Abandon all hopes.

Helen enters inside Dariaís bedroom and sits down.

Daria: And you walked in on me making my movie. I confess, I took the last cookie from the cookie jar.

Helen: Youíre off Monday, right Daria?

Daria: Depends on what off means.

Helen: Daria...

Daria: If Iím off like school then, yes, Iím off. But if it means helping you out at the office because Mary Anne is taking another damn vacation, no, Iím not off.

Helen: Would you, Daria?

Daria: I donít double book. And if I ever did, Iíd be sure to not as Quinnís advice when she double books dates.

Helen: So could you, honey?

Daria: Letís ponder the different aspects of a girl wasting her life as a child doing adult things...

Helen: Daria...youíre not being reasonable. Iíll get you that new computer software.

Daria: Youíve tempted me to the edge, Mom, but I just canít jump with you.

Helen: And fifty dollars.

Daria: I donít double book since I do not as many interesting things as Quinn. Meaning Iím busy.

Helen: Oh. (gets more curious) Doing what?

Daria: Seeing hell from my boyfriendís view.

Helen: What are you doing with Tom, sweetie? Oh, thatís so nice.

Daria: Visiting his school. He wants to show me off so I thought, ĎHey. Why not give the kid something to brag about? I mean, I am Daria Morgendorffer, arenít I?í

Helen: His school? Daria, you canít just go to a preparatory school with youróuhómanner of addressing those who are placed in authority.

Daria: So what youíre saying is that I speak to people offensively?

Helen: Well...

Daria: What? Should I put on a dress? Should I update my lip gloss database and get advice from Oh Red One?

Helen: Of course not, honey.

Daria: Then I can wear painterís jeans as well as my Alternapalooza shirt.

Helen: Just go as you are, Daria. But just mind your Ps and Qs.

Daria: But what about my Xs and Js?

Helen: Daria, what I mean is just show some respect. Preparatory academies and schools have very high standards of living.

Daria: And Tom owns a rust bucket and has a crude sense of humor and reads warfare books just like his girlfriend.

Helen: Well Tom is...

Daria: A prep school attendee and is as pretty normal as Jane. So, if youíre trying to scare me with your big words, Iím afraid youíve got the wrong bedroom. You want the one with the hot, sexy men with the six-packs on the walls, plastered to them.

Helen: Well, alright, Daria. But just donít do anything you will regret.

Daria sighs.

Daria: Iíll just say that Iím from Siberia, okay? And that my name is Marilyn Monroe. Your reputation among the so-called lawyer communityóor whatever it isówonít be trashed.

Helen: I never asked you to use an alias, sweetie. Just be yourself.

Daria: So then I can talk like a sailor?

Helen: On second thought...just go by Marilyn Monroe.

Daria: Thatís too suspicious. Iíll just go by Agent D.

Helen: And Iíll be double-oh seven.

Daria: Mom, donít compare movies to the Fashion Clubís IQ.

Phone rings.

Helen: Hellllew? (her regular, obnoxious Ďhelloí)

Pause.

Helen: Tom? Alrightósheís here.

Helen speaks to Daria, covering the receiver with her hand.

Helen: Daria, its Tom.

Daria: Okay.

To phone:

Daria: Hey.

(split screen between them)

Tom: Hey.

Daria: Why did you call? Is everything okay?

Tom: Yeah. I was just wondering if you wanted to get some pizza tonight.

Daria: Um, sure.

Tom: Great. Iíll pick you up right away.

Daria: Damn and I usually take four hours to dress and do my makeup.

Both hang up.

Daria puts on a new pair of socks and walks down the stairs to the door.

Daria: Going out for pizza with Tom. Be back later.

Helen: Be back by midnight.

Daria: I wonít.

Helen: Bye, sweetie. Have a nice time.

Daria: No thank you.

Cut to Daria opening the passenger door and climbing into Tomís car.

Tom: Hey.

Daria: Hey.

Tom doesnít start up the car, which gets a quizzical look from Daria.

Daria: Are we going for pizza?

Tom: No.

Tomís grinning.

Daria: Then are we going for a movie?

Tom: Nope. I have to talk to you.

Daria: About my teeth?

Tom: About this school visit thing...

Daria: Itís cancelled? Bring me news of great joy.

Tom: Actually, just so you fit comfortably in and people donít stare at you until their eyes fall out, I decided that Iíd give you a pep talk about how the people talk and actójust so you can prepare some extra mockeries of them and jokes before you come.

Daria: Alright.

Tom: Everyone brags in the morning about the presents their families gave them. Then at lunch, they bitch amongst one another who has the best chef. And then at the end of the day, they talk and debate about whose parents are richer. But it wonít be like this. Weíll just walk in, introduce you, have lunch, and check out the gigantic library. Then we can flee back to our rooms and shut the doors.

Daria: So basically you want me to criticize them?

Tom: Exactly.

Daria: Okay. Cool. My mom told me to have some pride towards these so-called people.

Tom: Treat them like shit. Itís not a Ďif you donít bite me, I wonít bite youí world at Fielding.

Daria: As we all can see. And how are your jaws lately?

Tom: Awww, I just threaten people occasionally but usually I just read.

Daria: My sanity.

Tom: Wash away my sanity...

(Sings line from Come Clean by Hilary Duff)

Daria: Shut up.

Tom: So, pizza?

Daria: Sure.

Drive to Pizza Place.

Daria sits down at a booth while Tom grabs some pizza and drinks for them both.

Tom: You and I both loved...

Daria: ...what you and I both spoke of...

Tom: Pizza.

Daria sips her drink and Tom bites his pizza.

Tom: Wear something nutty. Be crazy. Youíll never see these crazy folk ever again so, what the hell, go a little nuts.

Daria: Well, what about your familyís reputation? I mean, if it got out that angel Tom was dating a crazy chick your parents would be under scowls from everyone.

Tom: Just deal.

Daria: Youíre a tough cookie.

Tom: Thatís why Iím left in the cookie jar.

Cut to Daria and Tom in his car.

Daria: Thanks for pizza.

Tom: Bye, Daria.

Daria: Bye.

Tom gives Daria a quick kiss, making Daria blush, and Daria slips out and into her house.

Cut to Daria waking up at 8 AM Saturday morning.

Quinn enters Dariaís room.

Quinn: Daria?

Daria: Yes? Your hair looks bouncyóthat idea using springs was great.

Quinn: Iím serious, Daria.

Daria sits up in bed, rubbing her eyes.

Daria: What?

Quinn: Well, since itís Saturday...

Daria: ...No, I donít own spring fashions. And no, I didnít mix seasons either.

Daria pulls the blankets over her head.

Quinn: I was thinking that you, Daria Morgendorffer, need to come shopping with me. You need the cutesy influence.

Daria: Okay. Iíll just wait outside Cashmanís.

Quinn: Daria, you need a new wardrobe.

Daria: Quinn, you need a new ambition.

Quinn: Youíll just get personal satisfaction that youíre wearing something in that sort of matches your mismatched outfit.

Daria gives Quinn a "no way" look.

Quinn: Alright! And fifty bucks.

Daria: A hundred.

Quinn: Seventy-five.

Daria: Done.

Quinn: But you need to wear it on Monday or a day when youíre out of the house.

Daria: Not Monday.

Quinn: Monday it is.

Daria: Dammit...

Quinn: Why? What are you doing Monday?

Daria: (embarrassed and quiet tone) Uh...visiting Tomís school...

Quinn: This is perfect.

Daria: Why are you so damn eager to do this in the first place?

Quinn: I just get my inspiration from fashion and its world.

Daria: You were watching the Fashionvision Humanitarian Awards on tape again, werenít you?

Quinn: Yeah.

Daria: Alright. Buy me something orange with words on the back.

Quinn: Ewwww! No way, Daria!

Daria: What the hell are you going to buy me?

Quinn: An entire outfit.

Daria: Take measurements.

Quinn: Iím not making you a wedding dress, Daria.

Daria: Might as well.

Quinn: The Fashion Club is going to Cashmanís so later on Iíll just buy you a decent shirt and some nice shoes. What piece of that outfit do you want to keep?

Daria: All of it.

Quinn: Hm...Letís just do a Ďscrew the stuff I hate mix-n-matchí sort of thing, okay?

Daria: Fine.

Quinn: Great!

Quinn walks away.

Quinn: (congratulating herself) You have purged the world of another fashion victim!

Daria: Oh God...

CommercialsóSong is Daria by Cake

Sequence of scenes: Daria and Tomís call, Quinn betting Daria, Helen talking to Daria, and Daria pulling the blankets over her head.

Resume to Daria walking along her block when Jane and Trent pull up. Trent slows the car and Jane yells out the window.

Jane: Hop in, Daria.

Daria looks shocked.

Daria: Um, sorry, but I donít hitchhike.

Trent: Come on, Daria.

Jane: Yeah. Weíre going someplace you will like.

Daria glances at her watch, reading 1:08 PM.

Daria: Well...I guess I can go...

Daria climbs in and Trent continues to drive.

Daria: So where are we going?

Jane: Daria, pass me your glasses.

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: Just pass the damn glasses.

Daria: (hesitant) Well...alright. (takes them off)

Jane: Great. Trent, now just throw Daria off at the curb!

Daria: Hey!

Jane: Just kidding, Daria. Hold on, weíre here.

Trent slows the car and they stop at an abandoned warehouse.

Jane: (directing Daria) Now turn left, right, straight a few paces, left, right, and turn the doorknob.

Daria follows Janeís instructions and heads for a door, turning its knob.

Jane: Okay. (hands Daria her glasses)

Daria: (putting on glasses) Wow...eerie.

Jane: Like it?

Daria: What is it?

Trent: Spiralís new place. Weíve bought it and weíre making it our practice place.

Daria: And I needed to see this because...?

Jane: Because of this.

Jane flips on a light switch just next to Daria.

Daria: Um...

Jane illuminates a whole area of a drum set, stage, and guitars.

Trent: We need your expert designing knowledge, Daria.

Daria: Do I get paid?

Trent: Not unless you want to. The bandís gonna help move stuff.

Daria: Um...sure. Put the stage against a wall, the instruments on top of it, and set up chairs as well as the bar, drinks, excreta everywhere.

Trent: Well, we had more important issues that than, Daria.

Jane: Actually, weíre planning a party.

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: Exactly. Itís for Trent.

Daria: Then why is he here?

Trent: I wanted to make sure that you guys didnít trash this place up.

Daria: Riiiight.

Jane: Weíre just kidding, Morgendorffer. Now, Trent, off to the real place.

Trent: Whereís that?

Jane: Give me those.

Grabs car keys from Trent.

Trent: Iíll guide Daria and weíll just go.

Daria: This is weird...

Jane: Is Daria Morgendorffer correct? Another human race joiner next on Sick, Sad World.

Trent: Weíre not on TV...

Cut to Trentís car pulling up in front of the Pizza Place.

Jane: Ta-da!

Daria: Um...pizza? Yes, it is a beautiful thing but apart from that...

Trent: Itís on the inside.

Jane: Give me your glasses.

Daria takes off her glasses.

Daria: Itís all dark...

Daria, Trent, and Jane walk in as Jane covers Dariaís eyes.

Daria: Fine. Iím sure whoever is modeling their wedding dress looks fine.

Jane: Wait...

Combination of voices: Happy Birthday!!

Jane hands Daria her glasses.

Daria: What the hell?!

Daria is very shocked.

Jane: How could we forget your eighteenth birthday?

Daria: Weíre not getting older...weíre getting better.

Tom approaches Daria with a red rose.

Daria: (looks too shocked) Um...

Tom: Hey, itís a classic.

Daria: If we go to Chey Pierre, Iím going to kick your ass.

Tom: Donít worry we arenít.

Daria: Good.

Jodie approaches with Mack.

Jodie: Happy Birthday, Daria.

Mack: Yeah.

Daria separates from Tom and the crowd to be with Jane.

Daria: Why did you do this?

Jane: I figured that Planet Daria needs the sun to rise.

Daria: But...I mean, my birthday isnít today.

Jane: Check the calendar.

Daria: Um...it isnít October 13, is it?

Jane: Yeah, it is.

Daria: And I thought telling nobody about my birthday was useful...

Jane: Except your mother...

Trent approaches with a soda.

Trent: Hey, Janey...

Jane: (turns toward Trent) Yes?

Trent: Whereís Monique?

Jane: You guys broke up, remember?

Trent: Oh yeah.

Jane: (turning back to Daria) Heís been weird ever since he had that ten year old coffee...

Daria: Iím reassured.

Jane: So why didnít you want to celebrate the big one-eight? The big independent step?

Daria: I just donít want to feel older.

Jane: You like Lawndale? Oh, this is front page news.

Daria: I mean, I just like things the way they are.

Jane: Meaning...?

Daria: Meaning me dating Tom, you being my best friend, and Quinn being who she is and admitting me as her sister and my parentsówell, being sort of crazy and unwellóthey way they are. And in less than a year, all of that is gonna change because of a so-called bigger, better place where we are considered little kids and here weíre considered big kids. The place, Jane, is college.

(turns away)

Jane: Well, girls just wanna have fun.

Daria: Damn right!

Jane: Well, be a girl and have fun.

Daria: Sure...

Daria and Jane approach the crowd.

Daria: Um...thanks for coming...

Jane: Damn right.

Daria: The greatest gift of all is love expressed by thy friends. Oh God...what have I just said?

Tom: Hell with itóitís your birthday. Youíre eighteen. Youíre independent.

Jane: Yep.

Daria: And do I get presents? Thatís the best part of my birthday...

Jane: Well, you get me and him.

Daria: Sorry, but I donít accept cheap gifts.

Tom: Well, I got you some software.

Jane: And I got you some books that I think you havenít read...

Daria: Um...thanks.

Jane: Theyíre at your house.

Daria: When will this be over?

Jane: Two.

Daria: Why just an hour?

Jane: Trent I spent time looking for you and Tom called and said that they needed more time so the warehouse thing was just a so-called hoax and stupid mistake.

Daria: Oh.

Jane: Well, just get some pizza.

Tom: Yeah, and have some fun while youíre here.

Daria: Officer, youíve got the wrong guy. I donít have fun.

Tom: Fine have fun in your language.

Daria: Okay. Come, Lane.

Jane: Alright.

Cut to Daria at the Zon with Tom and Jane.

Trent: Hey. Weíre Mystik Spiral. Weíd like to wish my kid sisterís friend, Daria, a happy birthday.

Daria: Hopefully he doesnít say I came into his life like a twister.

Jane: Donít worry. He doesnít dance while singing happy birthday.

Tom: Iím not worried unless heís wearing spandex.

Trent sings a song called Velocity. Lyrics: Crumbled up and thrown away like an old piece of paper. Weíve just got ourselves a caper...Itís a day that nobody knows about. Itís a mystery. It ainít history...a day that nobody knows about...

Daria: Iíve gotta get home.

Jane: Youíre making your evil escape already?

Tom: The funís just started.

Daria: We can leave during the second set and get some food.

Jane: Um, you guys can just go ahead. Iíll stay.

Tom: Alright.

Cut to Tomís car.

Daria: What was with Jane?

Tom: Huh?

Daria: I mean back there. She said that sort of shoo-shoo and quickly.

Tom: I donít know.

Daria: Okay.

Tom slows in front of the Morgendorffer house.

Tom: Weíve landed in hell. Iíll see you later. Happy Birthday.

Tom gives Daria a quick kiss.

Daria: See you later.

Daria smiles as she gets out of the car.

Cut to the next day: Sunday. Dariaís clock glows 8 AM. Daria stirs.

Daria: Huh?

Daria notices a note written by Quinn. Zooming on in the note reading: Daria, I got you some clothes and your seventy-five will be in delivery also on Tuesday. Cíao, Quinn.

Daria gets up.

Cut to breakfast table as a dressed Daria walks in the kitchen and pops toast in the toaster.

Quinn: Youíve seen my written message, correct, Daria?

Daria: Depends on what you determine written. No, I havenít read your mindless book on how to keep your toes looking skinny or how to make your eyelids look perfect.

Quinn: About the clothes.

Daria: Oh. That damn thing.

Quinn: So, are you ready?

Daria: If you mean ready to run, then yes, I am ready.

Quinn: Seventy-five bucks, Daria...

Daria: Damn youíre good. Youíve been hanging around Mom too much.

Quinn: Followeth thy.

Stops dead in her tracks.

Quinn: Oh my God...did I just speak Old English?!

Daria: Something like that. Show me the money.

Quinn: Not quite yet. Youíve got to wear them first.

Daria: Letís see whatís behind door number three.

Quinn throws some clothes out a Cashmanís shopping bag. Daria looks shocked.

Daria: Daria Morgendorffer...what have you gotten yourself into?

Daria picks up a Waif beauty issue thatís very thick and slams it on her head.

Commercialsósong is Another Postcard by The Barenaked Ladies

Resuming to Daria inside the bathroom with the door closed and Quinn admiring herself a mirror.

Quinn: Daria, come on out. I want to see the after.

Daria: Along with the Fashion Fiends and the press of the Lawndale Sun Herald.

Quinn: Nope, just me and my mirror.

Daria: Not likely.

Quinn: Well how long does it take to change into an outfit?

Daria: Can you rig a toothbrush to kill yourself?

Quinn: Itís not like Tom or Jane or whatever are here.

Daria: Youíre right. My pride just left me.

Quinn: Just come on out, Daria.

Daria: Fine.

Daria sighs.

Daria opens the door to reveal herself: she is in a pleated skirt that goes down to her ankles. She is still wearing her combat boots and she has on a green sweater that has a turtle neck and it has an orange stripe going across it from armpit to armpit and around the back.

Quinn: Itís not that bad, Daria.

Daria: There goes my ego too. Theyíre in a getaway car and theyíre headed for hell.

Quinn: You gotta wear that if you want seventy-five.

Daria: Hundred.

Quinn: We already settled on seventy-five.

Daria: Hundred. Iím a broken record. Hundred. Hundred. Hundred. Hundred. Hundred.

Quinn: (cutting Daria off from her "hundred" frenzy) Alright!!

Daria: Good. At least Iíll make a buck off of this.

Quinn: Youíre wearing them tomorrow, no questions about it. You look great.

Daria: You mean Ďgreatí as in greatly humiliated? Yes, Iíd agree.

Quinn: It looks cute.

Daria: Then I wonít wear it tomorrow.

Quinn: Fine. It looks ugly on you.

Daria: Iíll consider wearing this shirt. But for now, Quinn, you wonítóumómention this to anybody?

Quinn: I guess not.

Daria: Good. Iím gonna warn Tom that I hit my head on the wallóhard.

Quinn: No way! Iím not letting you spoil the surprise. You friend, Jane, also has to see the transformation that I, Quinn Morgendorffer, has made.

Daria: How about we all burn in hell instead?

Quinn: Daria, fashion is my major field of study and youíre still being you with or without the shorter skirt, jacket, and orange T-shirt. You still think the same and act the same. Trust me, after David, I know this sort of thing.

Daria: I guess... Oh god...

Shocked at herself for believing what Quinn just said.

Quinn: What? Iíve joined the normality race of humans?

Daria: Thatís exactly what sort of crap Mom shoves at me when I feel bad about my so-called image.

Quinn: Then youíve gotta stop doubting about yourself.

Daria: God, youíre weird.

(looks away)

Quinn: Hey! (shocked at her new discovery) If you care about your clothes then you have joined me in the fashion crusade, Daria. Oh God...this is so...so heartwarming.

Daria: I was thinking heartbreaking but okay...

Quinn: Screw it! Call Tom. Call Jane! Call the whole student body of Lawndale High for all I care! Daria Morgendorffer has arisen out of her oyster...

Daria: Well, enthusiasm always did not want to make me do what I was told.

Quinn: Screw it, Daria, just screw it. You can put on your old clothes but Iím making sure you do not take them with to your visit to Tomís school.

(gives Daria a grin, Daria grins back)

Daria looks at herself in disgust.

Daria: Damn you! (looks in mirror at her reflection) Damn you to hell! You just bonded with Quinnóyour distant cousin, or so youíre told!

Daria walks off into her room, throwing her new Quinn clothes into a corner.

Cut to Morgendorffer house next morning. (Song outside is Headstrong by Trapt)

Daria stirs from her bed and proceeds to the corner where the Quinn clothes were banished and grabs them and cut to the breakfast table as Daria marches down the steps.

Helen: (noticing Dariaís new look) Good morning, Daria?

Daria: Hellish morning. Canít stop to talk.

Daria grabs a Pop Tart from a box labeled "Tart Pop" and eats on her way out the door.

Cut to Tomís house. (Song is Headstrong by Trapt)

Daria rings the doorbell, sighs, and Tom opens the door.

Tom: (eyes WIDE) Daria?!

CommercialsóSong is Shut Up by the Black Eyed Peas

Sequence of scenes: Daria revealing her new look, Daria walking down to breakfast, and damning herself in the mirror.

Resuming to Daria on the passenger side of Tomís car and Tomís driving his new car (as seen in Is It Fall Yet?) to Fielding Predatory Academy.

Tom: So youíre doing this for money?

Daria: Exactly.

Tom: How? Your mother?

Daria: Quinn.

Tom: Wow. You are desperate.

Daria: (eyes get angry) Hey!

Tom: What did I say? Ah, hell. Tell Janeósheíll freak out. At least you havenít lost those great colors I like.

Daria: Oh shut up.

Tom: What?

Daria: Can we just get this over with?

Tom: Sure. Weíre just visiting classrooms and conversing with my fellow imps. Letís go.

Tom stops car in a parking lot with a school that looks damn old. Itís a reddish brick and looks more like a college. It has grand doors and lots of the kids are wearing dresses (girls) and theyíre navy blue or deep red. The boys are wearing black or dark, navy blue slacks and penny loafers and white collared shirts.

Daria: Casual attire?

Tom: Hey, I dress however I want. Theyíre idiot space aliens, swear.

Daria sighs.

Tom: Whatís wrong?

Daria: Itís not my style.

Tom: I donít belong, you donít belong, so we belong.

Daria: Is that a lame pickup line or a desperate attempt at a pep talk?

Tom: I choose C.

Daria: What would C be?

Tom: All of the above.

Daria: Dammit, Tom, letís just get this over with.

Tom: Now youíre talking!

He puts his arm around Daria shoulders.

Daria: Headed for another boyís teen hell.

Tom: The guys will think youíre rude...thatís cool.

Daria: Iím getting bucks off Quinn for wearing these stupid clothes.

Tom: Ah, excellent reason for wearing them. Has Jane seen the after?

Daria: No and no way.

Tom: Sheíll be surprised that youíd do this for nothing but money is a fine way to bribe.

Daria: Are we there yet?

Tom: Yeahóweíre in hell. Welcome to Fielding Prep School...where we like to make your life a living nightmare and horrible.

Daria: And I thought Lawndale copyrighted its slogan...

Tom: Iíll introduce you to the friendsóor what Iíd like to call friendsóI have here.

Tom and Daria walk up to this kid with black hair that is sort of tousled but tidy and heís wearing a black sweater and dark, navy blue pants.

Tom: Alex, Iíd like you to meet my girlfriend, Daria.

Alex: Hi.

Daria blinks.

Daria: Hi?

Alex: Gotta go see Alice. Bye.

Tom smiles and waves until Alex is gone.

Tom: Thatís Alex Smithómy dadís best friends with Alexís dad. Itís sort of like an arranged friendship.

Daria: So youíre not married off?

Tom: Iíll introduce you to my teachers.

Tom and Daria walk in silence as Daria examines the oak floor boards that squeak when you walk on them and the shiny black lockers with matching Faster lock brand and are all turned up on 0. The classrooms doors are oak also, with a frosted out window with room numbers neatly written in black on the windows.

Tom slows up as he and Daria reach a bald man who is wearing a blue jacket over his black suit and a tie covered with cheese.

Daria: Um...cheese?

Tom: Daria, This is Mr. McClean, my science teacher.

Daria: Are you from mice and men?

Tom: Um, yeah.

McClean: Do you know about matter, Dar?

Daria: Itís Daria. And yeah, I know about matter.

McClean: What makes up an atom?

Daria: Protons, electrons, and neutrons.

McClean: Tell me more.

Daria: Your tie has cheese on it.

McClean: I mean about matter.

Daria: Matter? Well, your tie is made up of matter.

McClean makes a scowl and stomps to his classroom.

Tom: Touché!

Daria: This is fun.

Tom: Of course.

Cut Daria and Tom in the Fielding cafeteria.

Daria is holding a nice tray and it has gourmet food on it. Tom & Daria are walking together and sit down in individual seats across from each other. Daria sips from her large glass and Tom takes a bite of pizza.

Daria: Good food...preppy school...

Tom: The foodís good...or thatís what they want you to think.

Daria: Yeah...

Tom: Thanks for coming, Daria.

Daria: Itís as close to fun as I get. Other than that, seeing Quinn in a humiliating situation is also pretty fun, also.

Tom smiles as they both continue to eat their pizzas and sodas.

Cut to Daria and Tom walking into the Fielding library.

Daria: Damn, this is huge.

Tom: Told you I like this library and the food.

Daria: Yeah.

Tom: Letís get some books on my name.

Daria wanders to a shelf.

Daria: H.G. Wells always did have that power hungriness I liked in books...

Daria grabs a combination issue of H.G. Wellsís two stories: The Invisible Man and The Time Machine.

Tom: Told you this place was greatóI mean just the library and food.

Girl from behind Daria and Tom with a squeaky voice: Oh my gosh, Tom!!!

Tom: (backing away) Violet, get the hell away from me.

Violet: But you havenít taken me on a date, you hottie!

Daria: (stepping between Violetís arms and Tom) Um, I hate to interrupt this mental therapy session, but who the hell are you?

Violet: Violet Nipper.

Tom: Violet, I really donít want you to meet her but this is my girlfriend, Daria.

Violet: Violet Nipper.

Daria: Nightmare from hell.

They shake hands.

Violet: (defensively) Tomís my boyfriend.

Daria: (getting angry) No. Heís...um...my boyfriend.

Tom: (quickly) Yeah.

Tom drags Daria away behind some shelves of books.

Tom: Now when I say, ĎViolet sucksí run as fast as you can to the east exit where we came in. Had enough?

Daria: Hell yeah!

Tom steps out to see a searching Violet.

Tom: Violet sucks!!

Daria runs towards the door with Tom following and the ditch Violet as she shouts.

Violet: Fine! Iíll get in your heart someday, you bastard!

Cut to pizza place with Daria in her Quinn clothes with Jane and Tom, describing the day in her perspective.

Daria...and then she called Tom a bastard.

Tom: Well, even I call myself that when myself gets mad at me.

Jane: But Iím absolutely amazed you braved wearing those clothes.

Daria: Quinn said it matters whatís on the inside. She read too many guardian angel books, swear it.

Jane: Hell, Daria, it was still funny.

Tom: It was pretty funny when you made fun of McCleanís tie. Nobody dares to do that.

Daria: What can I say? Iím one of a kind.

Jane: Thatís right, freakiní friend.

Tom: Huh?

Daria: Long story.

Tom: Alright.

Daria: But nobody mention this to Quinn...Iím selling the clothes back to the store. I stole the receipt.

Jane: So youíre getting more than your hundred.

Daria: I concealed the tags.

Tom: Daria, the crafty one.

Jane: Youíre a twisted little crawler, and like Iíve said before, Iím proud to be your friend.

Tom: And...Iím proud to be dating you?

Daria: Something like that.

Jane and Tom together: Happy Belated Birthday.

Jane: Congrats, freakiní friend.

Tom: Yeah. Except youíre my freakiní girlfriend.

Daria smiles.

Closing creditsósong is Stacyís Mom by Fountains of Wayne.