SUMMARY: Andrea returns, the Seven Dwarfs get addicted and Hansel and Gretel have Witch Flambé, all in the last fic of my kinda-trilogy. CHRONOLOGICAL NOTE: This story comes after "The Kids Aren't Alright", which follows "Any Time At All", so the suggestion is to read them if you haven't. Thanks go to Cynigal and Torra, who were a great help during this fic's formation. JUST ANOTHER BEAUTIFUL STORY By C. Murphy enola_r@hotmail.com SCENE ONE: Morgendorffer house, Daria's room, late afternoon. Daria walks through the door, and puts down her bag. Just then Helen emerges from her wardrobe, holding a clothes hanger that holds the black t-shirt Daria wore in "Road Worriers". DARIA: Glad to see you decided to come out of the closet, Mom. HELEN: Daria, where have you been all afternoon? DARIA: Making ritual animal sacrifices. HELEN: Daria! DARIA: Mom, why are you attempting to rob me of my raiment? HELEN: (Glances at the clothes hanger, then puts it on Daria's bed) I think you need some new clothes, Daria. DARIA: I think you need a new victim. HELEN: (Enthusiastic) I know, let's go shopping! (Gets a faraway look on her face) It'll be a *real* mother-daughter bonding experience. DARIA: (Sarcastic) I know, let's not. HELEN: Come on Daria! It'll be *fun*! DARIA: You know my policy on fun. HELEN: All right, let's get some expert advice. (She takes Daria by the hand and drags her into the hallway, where they run into Quinn.) HELEN: Quinn, honey, should Daria buy some new clothes? QUINN: Daria should *never* buy clothes. DARIA: (Slipping her hand out of Helen's grip) It's official Mom, the expert has spoken. Goodbye. (Daria returns to her room) SCENE TWO: A Lawndale street, the next morning. Jane and Daria are walking to school. Daria is telling Jane about last afternoon's events. DARIA: Afterwards, I went back to Quinn and paid her the ten bucks I owed her. JANE: Wait a minute, you knew that was going to happen? DARIA: Kind of, but I didn't know when. She always gets like this, this time of year. Problem is, Quinn's upped her price, so I'm going to have to find my own way of discouraging her. Maybe I could borrow a few of your clothes. JANE: Are you kidding? Have you ever noticed how I only ever wear the same outfit, day after day? Month after month? Season after season? No Daria, you need to go shopping. I'll take you! DARIA: Is everyone out to get me? JANE: Come on Daria - I need an excuse to get out of the house! Trent's just lying around, it's really starting to bug me. DARIA: So what else is new? JANE: But Daria, he's *not* sleeping. DARIA: What? JANE: He just *sits* there and stares into space, *thinking*. DARIA: God forbid anyone in your family ever did that. SCENE THREE: Lawndale High, Ms Barch's science lab, the period before lunch. Daria and the rest of her class are sitting at their desks while Ms Barch finishes up her tirade. BARCH: And these results show that the average male produces a third less sperm than his father, which means you male scumbags are finally doing the decent thing and breeding yourselves out of the gene-pool. With the fine-tuning of the IVF program and the onset of cloning, women will one day be able to take two ovum and conceive a child *without* male interference. (Throws up two fists) Glory be ours! Cast of your shackles my sisters, and breed out those pigs that for too many years have walked the earth, trampling you beneath their patriarchal feet! DARIA: (Deadpan) I am woman, hear me roar. (The bell rings, and everyone immediately everyone gets up to go) BARCH: Wait! All of you! Girls, you have to write up a report on why these developments are beneficial, boys, you have to write about why you should be wiped off the face of the earth. (Cut to Daria walking to her locker. She opens her locker and Jane joins her) JANE: (Faux motherly voice) So, what did you learn in class today sweetie? DARIA: Well, apparently in a few years we can have that baby we so desperately want. JANE: Goodie! Now, you've survived science, want to risk your life again with some cafeteria food? DARIA: Lead the way O fearless one. (Cut to a table in the cafeteria. Daria and Jane are sitting across the table from one another, eating their lunches, when Andrea comes up and sits down beside Daria. She then wordlessly picks up Jane's packet of chips, reads the ingredients, then takes one) JANE: Well hello to you too. ANDREA: (Finishes eating the chip) Hey. (Andrea takes another one, Daria and Jane just watch her in silence. This lasts a little while) JANE: (Sarcastically) It's so nice of you to take those chips off my hands. I mean, I bought them with my own money and all, but I didn't really want them. ANDREA: (Swallows) S'ok. (Takes Daria's drink) DARIA: Um, Andrea? Was there anything you wanted? Besides our lunch? ANDREA: (Finishes sipping) It's my birthday on Saturday. JANE: Hallelujah. ANDREA: And I'm going to Dega St. Wanna come? (There's silence for a bit, then Jane and Daria exchange glances) JANE: There's a shopping opportunity for you Daria. DARIA: (Pause) Okay. (To Jane) Why do I feel like I just signed my soul away? ANDREA: Ok, pick you up at Daria's house at 12 PM. Bye. (Grabs a handful of chips, then leaves) DARIA: Did we just get invited to Andrea's birthday celebrations? JANE: Yup. (Picks up chip packet and shakes the last few crumbs of the empty packet into her hand) By a gluttongram. (Pause) Now, what do you wanna call our kid? SCENE FOUR: Lane house, basement, mid-afternoon. Trent and Jesse are practicing, they finish the song. TRENT: Hey Jess, what d'you think of Daria? JESSE: (Pause) She's cool. TRENT: But could you, like, date her? JESSE: (Pause) Yeah. TRENT: And it wouldn't bother you that she's 17? JESSE: Daria's 17? Whoa. (Pause) Nup. COMMERCIAL BREAK SCENE: Andrea taking the last chips from Jane's packet (Cut to commercials) SCENE FIVE: Morgendorffer house, dinner table, that evening. The Morgendorffers are in their usual places. Quinn's finished up her monologue of the day's events. QUINN: . . . so then we were like just about to vote on whether or not to veto camouflage print clothes, because, you know, they're like everywhere and everyone wears them, and the Fashion Club *has* to be above the masses, when Brooke runs over and tells us that Cashman's has run out of fuzzy pink hair clips! DARIA: Call in the Marines, it's a national disaster. QUINN: *So* true Daria. So anyway, we called an emergency meeting, and it's going to be held here, on Saturday, at 12 o'clock. Is that okay Mom? HELEN: Oh of *course* sweetie, you know I support you in *all* of your extra-curricular activities! QUINN: I just have *one* condition Mom. HELEN: Yes sweetie? QUINN: Daria. She has to be *out* of the house. I won't have her hanging around - she'll just embarrass me. HELEN: Quinn! QUINN: Muh-*om*! DARIA: It's okay Mom, I was planning on going out anyway. HELEN: (Starts off pleased, then gets suspicious) Really? Where? Why? With who? DARIA: Yes, to Dega St, to celebrate Andrea's birthday, with Jane and Andrea. QUINN: Ugh, that Marilyn Manson chick *again*?! JAKE: What?! Daria's going to Marilyn Manson's birthday party?! HELEN: Calm *down* Jake! She's not! (Turns to Daria, looks kinda pissed off) Daria, lounge room, *now*. (They both get up. Cut to the lounge room, Daria standing with her arms folded, Helen with her hands on her hips) HELEN: (Ranting) What makes you *think* I'd *let* you go out with that girl after you *disobeyed* me last time *and* managed to get out of you *punishment*?! *Really* Daria, I did think *you* would have more - DARIA: One word. Shopping. (Helen looks stunned, then gives a resigned sigh) HELEN: Ok, ok. You go to that party, we shop. DARIA: No, *I* shop. If I let you come along, you'll turn me into Quinn. Deal? HELEN: Deal. SCENE SIX: Lane house, living room, about 11:30 AM Saturday. Trent's sitting on the couch, cross-legged, deep in thought. Jane runs through, swinging a canvas backpack on to her back. JANE: Gotta go to Daria's, see ya this evening, bye! (Trent looks up) TRENT: Hey Janey? JANE: (Sticking her head back round) Yeah? TRENT: Am I . . . okay? JANE: What?! TRENT: You know, okay, all right. A nice guy, a good person, worthy of my life? Not wasting my life, going to get somewhere with the band? JANE: What on earth are you talking about Trent? You haven't been bailed up by that Church group again, have you? TRENT: Am I? JANE: Yes! Of course you are! TRENT: And you're not just saying that, cause you're my sister? JANE: (Mock surprise) Oh, I am? I forgot. Well then you should burn in hell. (Trent smirks) JANE: All right then, quit freaking me out or move to Capeside. SCENE SEVEN: Morgendorffer house, living room, about a quarter to 12. The doorbell rings and Daria opens the door. It's Jane. DARIA: Watch out. In 15 minutes this place is going to become Fashion Nazi headquarters. Quinn's in full flight. JANE: If only it was away from here. (Quinn walks in) QUINN: (Whiney) Dar*ri*a! I *thought* you said you weren't going to *be* here! DARIA: I'm waiting for my ride. It'll be here by 12. QUINN: Aaarrgh! That's too close! What if it's late? What if the Fashion Club are *early*? I can't let Sandi see *you* and *your* friends! You better not embarrass me! If you're still here when my friends arrive, I'll . . . I'll . . . I'll kill you! JANE: (Leans over to Daria) Can *I* kill *her*? Please Daria? *Please*? DARIA: (Pretends to think about it) No, sorry, it'd be too messy. JANE: Well can I at least glue her mouth shut? I brought my glue gun. (She pulls it out of her backpack) DARIA: (Sweeps her arm to Quinn) Be my guest. QUINN: You're a bitch Daria! DARIA: Your point being? (Jane advances, glue gun in hand) JANE: Now, just purse your pretty little lips together sweetie, and this won't hurt a bit. (Quinn screams and runs out of the room) JANE: (Putting the glue gun back) Ah well, it was good fun while it lasted. (Cut to exterior shot of the Lane house. We hear a guitar riff, then a loud discordant note) TRENT: (OS, mutters) Damn. JESSE: (OS) Man, you're just not concentrating. You *gotta* go talk to her. TRENT: (OS) Who? JESSE: (OS) Daria of course, who else? If not for your sake, for the band's. You haven't played a song right all day. TRENT: (OS) Whoa. Long speech man. JESSE: (OS) Thanks. (Cut back to Morgendorffer house, the doorbell rings again. This time Quinn answers it, it's Andrea) QUINN: Aaarrgh! (We see the Fashion Club walking up behind Andrea) QUINN: AAARRGH!! (Daria and Jane walk up beside Quinn. She sees them and pushes them out the door) QUINN: Out! Out, out, out, out! (She slams the door behind them, and then begins to walk away. A look of horror sweeps her face, she whirls around and opens the door to the Fashion Club, including a smug Sandi) QUINN: (Weakly) Hi guys. (Cut to outside, Andrea standing with Daria and Jane) ANDREA: (To Daria) I pity you. SCENE EIGHT: Dega St, "Liadlaith's Lair" (a Goth shop), a little later. The shop is dimly lit, candles providing most of the light. The shop sells clothes, music and Pagan paraphernalia. Andrea, Jane and Daria walk in, and a woman dressed in flowing black velvet and long black hair appears. WOMAN: (Dreamy voice) Andrea! Merry meet! How *are* you? Happy birthday! ANDREA: Merry meet Lia. I'm fine, thanks. How are you? LIA: Good, good. Who are your friends? ANDREA: This is Daria (motions to Daria) and Jane (does the same to Jane) (Lia walks/floats over to the two of them and clasps both their hands) LIA: Merry meet Daria, Jane. (She closes her eyes and seems to go into a trance. Suddenly her eyes fly open) LIA: I've got just the thing for the both of you. (She disappears into the back storeroom) DARIA: I don't think my mother's going to like it if I come home with a jar full of Eye of Newt. JANE: Even more reason too! (Touches a non-descript black garment hanging off a rack) Buy this Daria, *really* freak your Mom out. (Andrea, meanwhile has wandered off to the back of the shop) ANDREA: (OS) Guys! (Jane and Daria turn around) Black cape with purple lining or purple cape with black lining? (Cut to Morgendorffer house, lounge room, same time. The Fashion Club are holding their meeting) SANDI: All right, Stacy, you can phone all the department stores within a ten mile radius and see what condition their fluffy pink hair clip stocks are in, and - QUINN: Excuse me Sandi? But wouldn't it be better if Stacy didn't call, because you know she's not very good on the phone . . . SANDI: (Snidely) That's *so* true Quinn. Maybe with such *perception* *you'd* make a better president. QUINN: Not *true* Sandi, *you* have perception where it *really* counts, in the *fashion* department. (The doorbell rings) SANDI: Quinn, *why* do we keep getting *inter*rupted? QUINN: (Getting up to answer it) I don't know Sandi. SANDI: Maybe your house *wasn't* such a great place to hold our meeting. (Quinn opens the door. It's Trent) QUINN: Ugh! You *again*?! Would you *stop* *stalking* me?! I mean, it'd be *okay* if you like, sent me *presents* and were *cool* and had a car built *after* I was born, but all you *ever* do is turn up at my house *pretending* you want to see my si - *cousin*! TRENT: Is Daria in? QUINN: There you go *again*! You can quit the act you know, I like, *know* you want to take me out. I might you know, if you'd like, buy a new car and a new outfit and take me to Chez Pierre. TRENT: Is she in or not? QUINN: What does it matter if she is? It's me you want to see! TRENT: No, I don't. I want to see *Daria*. Is she in or not? QUINN: (Sighs) All right, all right, I wouldn't want to date you *anyway*. No, she's not, she went to Dega St with your weirdo sister and that Marilyn Manson chick. TRENT: Thanks. SANDI: (OS) *Quinn*, who is it? QUINN: (Calling back) Oh no one, just that guy my si - cousin likes. (Cut to close up of Trent's face: he raises an eyebrow and smirks) COMMERCIAL BREAK SCENE: The look of horror sweeping Quinn's face. (Cut to commercials) SCENE NINE: Dega St, "Liadlaith's Lair", a little later. Lia is behind the counter, packing a brown paper bag with some stuff Andrea's bought (e.g. candles, oils, that cape). LIA: There you go Andrea! (Turns to Daria and Jane) And here you to go. (She hands them both a wrapped up parcel) JANE: (Opening hers) Paint. (Reading labels) Black, Blacker, Blackest, Blacker Than the Devil's Heart. DARIA: (Opens hers, it's a book) "Grimms' Fairy Tales: Even Grimmer". JANE: (Takes the book from Daria, flips through it) Hey, in this version *Hansel and Gretel* eat the witch! Cool! ANDREA: (Interested) She had the karma coming to her, the old bat. Give me a look at that. (While they pore over the book, Lia motions Daria closer. She leans over and whispers in Daria's ear. She turns a deep shade of pink) (Cut to Trent's car, driving through Lawndale. The shot is from the hood of his car, through the windscreen) TRENT: (Thought VO) I *gotta* talk to Daria. (Something off to the left catches his eye) Garage sale! Might have some vinyl! (The car swerves off screen to the left) (Cut back to Dega St, Andrea, Daria and Jane are walking) ANDREA: I'm telling you, it's true. Their supplier was Doc. I mean, have you ever heard of *anyone* singing "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go," when they work a menial job down a *mineshaft*? JANE: Well, it would explain the names. Dopey, Sleepy, Happy and Sneezy are obvious, but when you think about it, the others make sense too. DARIA: Don't forget the other cartoon heroes who took drugs. Roger Ramjet for instance, he was a big speed and steroid addict. What do you think was in those Proton Pills? JANE: (Shakes her head and clicks her tongue) And he was pulling those poor American Eagles down with him, too. (Cut to Trent's car pulling up outside Liadlaith's Lair. He gets out and pauses outside) TRENT: Let's start with the most obvious places . . . (He goes in. Cut to inside the shop, Lia approaches him) LIA: You must be Trent! TRENT: (Surprised) How do you know? LIA: Your image was heavily imprinted on the aura of one of the young women who were in here a little while ago. TRENT: Whoa. (Pause) Was her name Daria? LIA: Why yes it was! TRENT: Do you know where she is now? LIA: Well, let's see, I was talking with Andrea about getting a spiritual tattoo, you know, maybe an Aum, because she's also interested in Buddhism, or maybe the Goddess symbol, for an affirmation of her faith and - TRENT: (Cutting in) Where did you say Daria was? LIA: (Getting back on track) Oh yeah, then Jane mentioned she wanted a nose ring . . . SCENE ELEVEN: Axl's Piercing and Tattoo Parlour, a little later. Andrea, Daria and Jane emerge, Jane sporting a new nose ring. JANE: Andrea, you could think of this as my birthday present to you. After all, it's what Daria got me. DARIA: (Glares at Jane) Watch it Lane, or I'll drag you along Dega St by your nose ring. ANDREA: Come on guys, let's go. (Opens the door to her car) JANE: Where *are* we going, anyway? ANDREA: The Pet Cemetery. (Daria and Jane exchange glances before getting into the car. They drive off and round the corner, then Trent's car pulls into view) (Cut to inside Axl's, Trent walks in. Axl looks up from behind the counter) TRENT: Hey Axl, you seen Jane? AXL: You just missed her lad. TRENT: Damn, I knew I shouldn't have accepted that tarot reading! D'you know where they went? AXL: Well, the Goth girl that was with her said something about this being the anniversary of her pet ferret's death, so I'd check the pet cemetery. TRENT: Thanks. (Cut to outside Axl's. Trent walks out and bumps into Monique) MONIQUE: Hey Trent. TRENT: (Kinda distracted) Hey Monique. MONIQUE: (Concerned) Trent, what's up? TRENT: Oh, nothing. MONIQUE: (Coquettishly) Come on Trent, you can tell *me*. TRENT: Oh . . . no. MONIQUE: (Takes his hands) Trent, I'm your *friend*. TRENT: Well . . . it's this girl I like. MONIQUE: Yes? TRENT: She's a really good friend of mine, a bit younger than me, but she's real mature and all, so it doesn't matter, and I know she likes me - MONIQUE: (Thinks it's her*) Sounds like a match made in heaven. TRENT (Smiles) Yeah. But the thing is, I'm still not sure about telling her. I keep putting it off. MONIQUE: Why? TRENT: Well, what if it all works out, and everything's okay, but then somewhere along the it all falls apart and we end up hating each other? I don't want to spoil our friendship. MONIQUE: (Wraps her arms around his neck) What if, what if? What if she slaps you because she *doesn't* like you? What if it all works out perfectly and you end up marrying this girl, having 2.5 kids and living happily ever after? What if you leave the house tomorrow and get run over and die? The thing is Trent, you don't know, and you won't until you dive in. And no matter what happens, if you don't go for it, you'll always be wondering what *would* have happened had you. TRENT: You know what Monique? You're right! (Disentangles himself from her arms) TRENT: I've gotta go tell Daria. (Gets in his car and speeds off, leaving Monique behind, looking slightly stunned) MONIQUE: *Daria*? What happened to "and it's you Monique"?! SCENE TWELVE: Pet Cemetery, in front of a gravestone, coming close to dusk. Andrea is kneeling down in front of it and Jane is standing behind her. Trent walks up behind them. ANDREA: We are here to commemorate the anniversary of the death of my beloved Nostradamus. JANE: (Under her breath, to Trent) Who, despite the auspices of his name, could not predict his death beneath the wheels of a Budget truck. ANDREA: (Flicks an annoyed look at them) Excuse me? (Jane and Trent move away) TRENT: Where's Daria? JANE: I'm fine, how are you? (Pause) Daria's up on that hill. (She motions to a fairly impressive hill just outside the cemetery) TRENT: Thanks. (He walks away) (Cut to the part of the hill where Daria sits. Trent walks up and sits down beside her as she continues to stare out across Lawndale) TRENT: Hey Daria. DARIA: Hey Trent. TRENT: What're you doing? DARIA: Counting the cracks in the American Dream. You? TRENT: Trying to make conversation. How'd you get your mother to let you go out with Andrea today? I didn't think she would, after last time. DARIA: It's handy being the daughter of a lawyer sometimes, you pick up good bargaining skills. She lets me go, I promise to get some new clothes. TRENT: Oh, she's on that kick is she? DARIA: She wants me to "think outside the square I live in", but she doesn't quite get that I already do and my clothes symbolise my rejection of popular culture. TRENT: Parents. DARIA: So what've *you* been doing today? TRENT: Well, I've . . . actually been following you around all day, trying to catch up with you. DARIA: (Turns her head) Really? That's so . . . TRENT: Sweet? DARIA: No, psychopathic. (Pause) Sooo . . . why were you looking for me? TRENT: Oh . . . well, Daria . . . I've got something to tell you . . . ummm . . . ok (Pauses, takes a breath) I like you. DARIA: I know. TRENT: No, I mean, I *really* like you. DARIA: I know. TRENT: Oh. (Pause) How? DARIA: That crackpot in the Goth shop told me. TRENT: Yeah, she said I was "heavily imprinted on your aura". DARIA: (Mock horror) She read my aura without my permission?! Is nothing sacred?! TRENT: Sooo . . . what do we do now? DARIA: Well the conventional thing would be to kiss. TRENT: (Happy to comply) Ok! (Leans in, then stops) But you've never been one to follow convention Daria. DARIA: (Slightly exasperated) Oh just shut up and kiss me, Trent. (They kiss. No, I'm not going to go into detail, make it up yourself!) (Suddenly,) ANDREA: (OS) Oh *SHIT*! JANE: (OS) Trent! Daria! We've got a night of the living ferret happening down here! ANDREA: (OS) I don't understand! It was just a small protection spell! CUT TO ALTER EGOS AND CREDITS "Just Another Beautiful Story" Regurgitator (Aussie band) All I am and all I'll ever be Is a brain in a body. All that I know and all I'll ever see Is the real things around me. All I've heard and it's true There ain't no God there's just me and you. I don't see a point to this place But I'm happy to be floating in space. Chorus: I won't mind if you're holding my hand. And life seems so fine when you don't understand That the world turns around and it don't give a damn If we all die away and never come, back again. All that I am and all I'll ever be Is a brain in a body. Live till I die and then rot away It's a beautiful story All I've heard and it's true There ain't no God there's just me and you. I don't see a point to this place But I'm happy to be floating in outer space. CHORUS CHORUS NOTES: And so ends my kinda-trilogy. I hope you're all satisfied with the ending, even though it was hardly a surprise. I'm sorry for the long wait (that is, if you think it was) but this one was difficult to write. JABS is my final fic, so you'll hear no more from me, unless you email me with your comments. I really enjoy your feedback, and I try to reply to everyone, so feel free to tell me exactly what you thought. * I wrote this just before "Lane Miserables" and the Monique revelation it brought, and couldn't be bothered changing it. So in my little world, Monique likes Trent but hasn't actually got anywhere past friend.