Jane's Sanitary

By Smiley

Jane woke up. She stretched out, and got ready for school. In space, a cosmic ray that had been travelling ninety billion light years reached earth, deflected off of Sandi's makeup mirror, was mutated by the electromagnetic waves in the power lines, and struck home in the coffee beans Jane was pouring into the coffee grinder at the Morgendorffers. She had been living there ever since a freak accident made Trent temporarily insane and go on a spree of mass destruction. Of course, Trent had received a medal for killing a Nazi war criminal and busting an undercover drug house. Now, Trent was cured, living with her and the Morgendorffers, and Jane's room was fully intact by a completely unexplainable demonstration of the physics of gas explosions in basements. She drank the coffee, and a immediate change came over her. She ran upstairs to her room.

Daria had just awoken. She heard a commotion coming from Jane's room. She blearily put on her glasses and went to Jane's room, where Jane was in a cleaning frenzy. "Jane, what are you doing?" Daria asked. "Gotta clean," she gasped out, and threw all her dirty clothes out the door, onto Daria. Daria plucked some undergarments off of her head, and watched as her friend scrubbed and waxed her carpeted floor, and then rewired Quinn's hair dryer in five seconds to dry the floor in the same amount of time. Daria shrugged, and went downstairs for some breakfast. Jane soon came down with an armload of dirty clothes, and shoved them in the washer downstairs. She poured a box of detergent into the washer, and started it up, neglecting to close the lid.

Daria was receiving some homework from her room when she peeked back in Jane's room. It was sparkling clean. She shrugged again, and entered her room. Jane was hard at work scrubbing the wall padding. "Jane, will you please get out of my room?" she calmly asked. "Can't, gotta clean," she once again responded. Daria shrugged, and searched for her homework assignment. There was a large pile of neatly stacked papers on her desk. "Jane, where's my homework?" she asked. "Eighth paper from the top. It's all arranged chronologically, from some first-grade math sheet to Mr. D's latest worksheet," she gasped out. She had cleaned a third of the wall she was on in the time Daria had entered the room and walked to her desk. "Thanks," Daria said, a little off-kilter. She got the assignment, and left the house for school.

Daria was in Mr. DeMartino's class, waiting for Jane. The bell rang, and Daria shrugged; she must still be at home cleaning. Something blurred past the door. Daria walked up to the door, and saw Jane had supercharged the floor buffer and welded two others to the side so she could buff the lockers and the floor at the same time. At that point, a considerably shiny Mr. DeMartino entered the room. "Ms. Morgendorffer, could you please tell your friend JANE that she has fused my clothes to my SKIN, and I will have to have SURGERY to REMOVE THEM!" Daria nodded, and wondered what was up with Jane today.

Daria was walking home alone from school, when she saw someone driving on the sidewalk. She dived out of the way, and noticed it was Jane. She had hijacked a street sweeper, and was swiping across both lanes of the road, as well as the sidewalks, to clean everything up. "What is up with you today, Jane?" she asked no one in particular.

It was two hours later. Daria had changed the channel to Sick, Sad World. "Woman mops Statue of Liberty, makes clean getaway! Next, on Sick, Sad World," the announcer proclaimed. Jane was hanging out of Liberty's crown, scrubbing Liberty's face. "What the...?" was all Daria could think of saying.

Daria woke up; it was a Saturday today, and she could find Jane...hopefully. She heard more noise from Jane's room. She walked in, and Jane was working on a rocket, pointed out the window. "Jane, what's that?" Daria asked. "It's a detergent bomb," she replied, with a screwdriver between her teeth. "What's it for?" Daria asked, almost frightened. "It's gonna clean up the moon. It's real dusty up there." That settled it for Daria; Jane had clearly been literally brainwashed. Daria had an idea. "Come on, Jane," she said. Jane refused to be pulled away. Daria called Trent in from the guest room. "Come on, Janey," he said. Jane continued glued to her detergent rocket. Until, that is, Trent hit her over the head with a heavy object, and she fell unconscious. "Sorry, Janey, but this is the way it has to be." They put her in a sack and dragged her out.

Daria shuddered as they pulled up to the beauty salon. She didn't want to have to do this, but it was for Jane's own good. Trent and she pulled the sack out of the car; by now, Jane had awakened, and was using every swear word in the book, from A to Z (don't ask). Daria assumed her plan was going to work; however, it would take otherworldly influence to cure Jane of being literally brainwashed. Luckily, such assistance was on its way. A cosmic ray coming from the opposite direction as the first one reached earth. It immediately beamed into Kevin's brain, but was rejected immediately. Like a pinball, it bounced into the heads of Brittany, Tiffany, Stacy, Sandi, Quinn (who had gotten over her self-imposed fashion sabbatical), and the eyeglasses of Ms. Li. The ray bounced upward five hundred miles into a spy satellite funded by everyone's favorite principal, and was deflected to the moon. It bounced off the American flag planted by Armstrong in '69, and came back to earth. It bounced off a disco ball in Michigan; off the scales of a salmon going upstream, and finally was absorbed into the body of a grub in a pool of mud. Daria and Trent threw Jane into the mud. The sack came open, and Jane came out screaming. A glop of mud-one with the aforementioned grub-filled Jane's mouth hole, and Jane was so surprised, she swallowed. The grub wiggled its way out of the wet chunk of dirt, and beat the mud to her stomach, where it was promptly dissolved and introduced to the small intestine. When the mud reached the stomach, Jane's gag reflex kicked in, and she threw the mud, sans grub, up. All over Charles Ruttheimer III, who had just got out of a tanning bed. "Hey, I upchucked on Upchuck," Jane said weakly. She was covered in mud. Daria and Jane pulled her out. "Do you feel the urge to clean anymore, Jane?" Daria asked concernedly. "Well, beyond a nice, long, hot bath, no," Jane said. "Cool," Trent said. "Let's go," Daria said. "Wait, I lost something in the mud," Jane said, and turned back to the pool of mud. Daria and Trent followed. They leaned over it, and...Jane pushed them in. "Not funny, Jane," Daria quipped, as she took off her mud-covered glasses. Trent fell asleep. The girls pulled him out, and woke him. Then, they went home for real.

Jake and Helen had a rare 'home alone together' moment. They were cuddling in the living room. Jake set his feet on the floor, and heard an odd squish noise. "What the...?" he said. Looking down, he saw a wet spot. He and Helen traced it to the kitchen, leaking out from the laundry room. Jake turned to Helen, then to the door. He opened it. "What the-" Jake started to say, but the rush of soap and water silenced the rest.

The End

Notes: I originally did not intend to follow up "Trent's Insanity" with anything; it was meant to be a humorous stand-alone story. However, the idea occured to me so suddenly, it would have been criminal not to pursue it. I would have been arrested for 'First Degree Idea Supression' and be sharing a cell and relationship with a six-foot bald man with tattoos all over called 'Sally'. Anyway, I estimate that there will be one more story in the 'Ity Trilogy'. It will be entitled...well, if I told, that may give away the story. So, for now, it'll just be called 'Ity 3'.

Coming Attractions:
Dark Angel/Daria Crossover (Current title: Mother Angel)
Christopher Walken meets Daria (Current title: The Continental Meets the Misery Chick)
Alan Spencer series Episode 3 (Current title: The Jewel Cave)
Smiley-A Biography
World Tour-Starring Alan Spencer
Switched at Birth-May or May Not Be in Alan Spencer storyline
Threads of Lawndale
Buck Rogers of the 7/11

Daria belongs to MTV. MTV belongs to Mama Cass. Since she is dead, it belongs to Satan. That's why Real World/Road Rules crap plays 24/7.