Daria in "Janes Addiction" Jane becomes addicted to fan fiction. Written by SJM daria@tig.com.au "Hey Trent." "Hey Daria." Pause.... "Jane in?" "Nope." "Okay then. See ya." "Yeah, see ya." After Trent shuts the door Daria walks down the path back onto the street. She looks up and down the quiet street for a car...any car. "Where's a car when you need one to put you out of your misery?" "Jane, you read my mind. I think our friendship has become too deep." "Right, I'll remember that and try to keep it in check. What you doing?" "Making a fool of myself. Considering playing chicken with the traffic. You?" "Nothing." "You've been at that new internet cafe again." "Nope." "Your bag is bulging. Gabrielle couldn't even fit in there." "And you say you know nothing about Xena." "Funny. Don't try and change the subject." "So, I like to read a little. It's healthy." "You read Xena fan fiction Jane. That's healthy?" "If it wasn't healthy it wouldn't be there to read." "Right. I think I might go put on lots of make-up, shoes I can't walk in and date three guys at once. If it's possible it must be healthy." "Your outlook on life is such an inspiration Daria. You wanna come up. You can watch Trent sleep." "Or I could go home and pluck my eyebrows." "Sounds like fun. I'd join you but I've got some reading to do. See you tomorrow." Jane goes into her house and Daria walks home. As she passes through the front door, Quinn walks out. "Where are you going?" "I have a date, of course. I made him ask me at least ten times before I said yes. He had better make it worth my while." "Worth your while. What about his, what's his name?" "Is that all you thinks important - his name? He drives a convertible." "Right. Hope you have a scarf. Wouldn't want you to get windblown hair." Quinn rushes back upstairs and grabs a scarf out of her wardrobe. As she runs down the stairs she passes Daria again. "You took my advice, I don't know weather I should run screaming into the night or be touched. Oh wait, it was a fashion tip, I choose run screaming." "I did not take your advice. I was already on my way back to my room. What could you suggest to me about fashion? How to coordinate my blacks?" "Sarcasm. There's hope for you yet." Quinn runs out of the house for her date. Daria goes into the kitchen for dinner. "No I didn't join any new clubs, no I didn't make any new friends and no I don't have a date. End of conversation, lets eat. Oh yum, something new, lasagne." "Daria, must you use always use sarcasm, can't we have an intellectual conversation?" "No." "So, what's new kiddo?" "I've finished eating. I think I have homework." "That's the spirit, keep up the work, get a good education. Get somewhere in life, earn money. You can't live without money. Everything costs money. Bills. Bills, bills, bills...I can't take it anymore." "Or I could just put on some make up, look sexy and marry someone rich." "Daria, you're not helping your father. Go find his medication." "I think we're out. He blew his last blood vessel yesterday when Quinn asked for a car. I think she still wants the car." "Ahhhh..." Jake runs from the kitchen and out the front door. Daria, content with her evening goes up stairs to her bedroom. She does her homework, writing an essay on 'The Result of Hippie Culture on the Future Adult'. About half an hour later Daria hears the police at the front door. "Hello, Mrs. Morgendorffer. We've brought your husband back. We found him running around Lawndale High halls yelling, 'Give our kids an education.' I thinks it's time you considered getting him some help." Daria says to herself, "Well that's about all I can bear," and shuts her bedroom door. "Now why wasn't that shut in the first place? I must be coming down with something." Another typical day in the life of Daria Morgendorffer comes to an end. Jake and Daria both sit at the dinner table, newspapers in hand. The front page reads, 'Mysterious Man breaks into Lawndale High'. "They blow things right out of proportion. I am NOT mysterious. Daria, do you think I look mysterious?" "Dad, move on, read the comics. I hear there's a great new one this week called 'Bruno'." Daria sees Quinn walk into the kitchen over the top of her paper, she lifts the paper higher. "No, this isn't fair, I can not go to school." Behind the paper Daria mutters, "Quinn's up. My morning just became so much brighter." "Daria, I think we have to have another chat about your attitude." She didn't mutter very quietly. "Mom, forget about her, you have to let me stay home from school. I can not be seen like this. I'm vice president of the fashion club. My reputation will be ruined. I'd rather be dead." "Quinn, what are you talking about? There's nothing wrong with you." "Look at me, I look horrible." Helen looks at Quinn for a short time. "Really, you look fine. Exactly like you did yesterday." "Mom, please, you can be honest with me, I look horrible. Just look at this piece of hair. It's sticking out, it won't stay down." "Yeah Mom, be honest with her. Sandi's hair is softer." Quinn panics. "Did someone say that, was it someone at school? I have to know." "Daria, you're not helping...again. I think maybe it's time you left for school." "And miss Quinn unsuccessfully control one piece of renegade hair. Mom, you've ruined my day." Jake, who has kept right out of the discussion, slams his paper on the table. "Quinn, you can't have a car and that's final." "That's good Jake, be strong, but it's not quite the right time." Jake leaves the house feeling dejected. Daria rolls her eyes and walks out the front door after him. Because she's early she heads to Jane's house. When she gets there she knocks on the door. Trent answers it, neither of them races to speak first but finally Daria breaks the silence. "Hey Trent." "Hey Daria." Pause... "Jane in?" "Nope. Left for school already." "Okay then. Guess I'll go to school." "Yeah, go get em." "I will." Trent closes the door and Daria walks down the path. That went well, I strung more than two words together. Jane will be proud. When Daria gets to school she goes to her locker. Jane's leaning up against it wearing sunglasses. "Too bright for you?" Jane doesn't answer. "Ms Li just ran down the hall naked." No response. Daria lifts the sunglasses up so she can see Jane's eyes. They're closed with big black bags under them. Daria walks back down the hall heading for History leaving Jane leaning - sleeping - against her locker. When Jane finally manages to get to class, just before Mr. DeMartino arrives, her sunglasses are off. She takes her seat in front of Daria. "Up all night again?" Daria whispers to Jane. "Ah, yeah. I had the painting urge. You know." "Sure you did." At lunch time, Jane and Daria are sitting at a table. They see Quinn walk past, she's wearing a scarf on her head and dark sunglasses. She races to the back corner of the canteen and sits down. "What's with her?" "With who?" "I don't know." After the last class of the day, English with Mr. O'Neill - a trying experience for any teenager, Jane and Daria walk to their lockers. "Want to go for Pizza?" "Sure, but we have to go by the internet cafe. I finished part 12 of Hurricane Watch last night and I have to get the rest of it." "Hurricane Watch? You've taken up meteorology?" "What?" "Seriously, I think you have a problem." "A problem? Because I read Xena fan fiction?" "Because you can't get enough of it. Part 12? What is it, an epic? Does Xena and Gabrielle ride across the whole of Greece in part 1, the equivalent of one day, before making out for parts 2 through 10 and then destroy an army in part 11? That's where I run out, I have no idea what could have happened in part 12. "It's not Xena, it's Uber." "Uber! So Jack and Jill ride across the whole of Greece..." "I think someone's a closet reader." "We were talking about you." "We were?" Jane and Daria walk to the internet cafe. They find two computers next to each other. Jane logs straight into her regular Xena fan fiction site. Daria begins to tamper around with something. They both do their own thing for a while and when Janes still got her eyes glued to the monitor, Daria puts something into her bag. When Jane's finally ready to leave, she fills her bag with some more fan fiction print outs. They go and get pizza. "What are you doing this Saturday?" "I have a hot date. I was thinking of raiding Quinn's wardrobe, putting on a skimpy little pink top and some makeup, leaving my glasses at home and letting my hair down." "Your hairs always down." "There goes that idea." "My neighbours need a babysitter. I was thinking of volunteering." "Do your neighbours know you?" "Yep, I'm their responsible neighbour. My parents are away so much yet I still go to school." "Little do they know that you thrive on the school environment you create when you mess with the minds of the teachers." "Yeah well, their ignorance could be our fun. What do you think?" "Sure, lets do it. I need to influence some more children's life's. How old?" "Four and six. It's perfect for us." "Such young and vulnerable minds. I think a new addition to the Daria and Janes new endings for classic bedtime stories is in order." "Sounds positively enthralling. Ah, you got any money for this, I spent what I had on printouts." "Jane the broke one? This is rare. I don't like it. Don't make a habit of it." "Thanks. See you tomorrow." The next afternoon Daria's sitting in the internet cafe. She's in the back corner looking intently at the screen. All that can be seen of her from the rest of the room is the top of her head sticking out from above the monitor. Close inspection of the monitor shows a Xena heading at the top of the page. Jane walks in behind her, Daria doesn't hear. "Research right." "Jane. Just seeing how you spend your time." "Sure you are. You know, I can give you a better site to go check out." Daria glares at Jane. "Okay, guess not. I'll see you at my place at 6pm for babysitting. Bring gum." "Gum?" "Yeah, my neighbours hate it." Jane leaves and Daria sees a piece of paper on the table with an internet address on it Jane had left her. Daria begins to type it into the computer but half way through scrunches the piece of paper up and logs out of the computer. She gets up and leaves the cafe, she puts the piece of paper in her pocket and walks home. When she gets home she sits on her bed and begins to write on a piece of paper. 'Fan Fiction Addiction - The 12 Step Program.' She works for a while and then realises it 5.30pm. She goes downstairs and as she walks out the front door she yells, "Going babysitting, be back later." The door slams shut behind her. Minimal interaction with parents on a Saturday night. When Daria arrives at Janes she knocks on the door. Her palms are sweaty as she waits with the anticipation that Trent will answer the door again. He's answered it every time she's been here in the last three days. The door opens and Jane's standing there. Daria breathes out. "Did you bring the gum?" "Got it right here." Daria replies as she pulls a packet out of her pocket - strawberry Hubba Hubba. "It's a parents worst nightmare that their kids will start eating this stuff. So full of sugar." "It's perfect. You want to come in and say hi to Trent. The band's practicing." "No, I'm sure they're on a roll of good playing. I wouldn't want to interrupt. Let's just go influence some kids." "Alright. Don't say I didn't offer though." They walk next door and Janes neighbours, Mr. and Mrs. Craig meet them on the way through. "Okay, bed by 8.30pm. They've already eaten dinner. We'll see you about nine." They walk into the living room and see two children sitting on the lounge. "Hey kids. Daria meet Karen and Jacob." "Hi Jane. Can we watch TV?" "What's on?" "Don't you know, Sick, Sad, World." "No, I knew that. Jacob, do your parents let you watch that?" "Ah, sure." "Yeah, I bet. Turn it on." Daria takes the bubble gum out of her pocket. "So, who wants some gum?" Karen doesn't say anything, but Jacob smiles and says, "I've already got some. I keep a packet under my bed." He glares at his sister. "Well, I will as long as my parents don't find it." "Kid, you're going to be alright. Only six and already you've got it figured out." "Cool, thanks Jane." "Karen, what about you?" "No thank you." "You got a way to go, that's okay." After watching Sick, Sad, World they play the standard Daria/Jane babysitting games before they put the kids in bed. "So, who wants to hear a bedtime story? Daria's pretty good at that part." Karen smiles and says, "I do." "Bed time stories are for babies." "Not Daria's. You'll love it. Take it away Daria." "Right. The wizard of oz..." Karen and Jacob listen intently, only once pointing out that Daria was telling the story wrong. "....Scarecrow never gets his heart, because he is and always will be a sexist pervert who wouldn't stop looking up Dorothy's skirt. He teams up with the Wicked Witch before Dorothy kills her. In the battle between good and evil, Dorothy stabs Scarecrow through the heart with a stake. He turns to dust." "Daria, since when do scarecrows turn to dust?" "It's a vampire scarecrow." "Of course. So, who took that Buffy fan fiction from my bag today?" "Would you just let me get on with the story. I want to finish it before they fall asleep." "Since when have you been worried about finishing a story before the audience falls asleep." "I put effort into this one." By the time Daria finishes the story Karen and Jacob have fallen asleep. Daria and Jane go down stairs and before they can start watching MTV the parents arrive home. As Jane's being paid they hear the youngest child wake up screaming. She yells, "Mummy, there's a scarecrow trying to look up my skirt." Daria and Jane quickly exit out the front door. "Another successful night of babysitting. See you later." Jane says to Daria. "Yeah, see ya." Daria heads home. She takes some papers out of her bag and begins to read as she walks. As Jane walks into her house, she puts her hands in her pockets. She feels some paper in there and takes it out. She reads, "Fan Fiction Addiction - The 12 Step Program. By Daria Morgendorffer. Well, she's been busy." Jane reads as she goes to her room. She reads no fan fiction when she goes to bed. Daria reads Tropical Storm.