"Appearances Can Be Deceiving"
by Invisigoth Gypsy (IvG@garnetsigma.com)
http://www.garnetsigma.com
8-14-98

Summary: A weight-lifting competition takes Lawndale High by storm, and Jane forces Daria to attend. Meanwhile, Trent tries to make himself more attractive after Jane and Daria compare him to Jesse.

I took the liberty of making up mundane last names for the equally mundane persons of Joey and Jeffy. If they ever get last names on the show, then just pretend that I got them correct here.

Thanks to NuitCoeur for her help with the conversation while Jane's painting and for the sexy/hair bit at the end.






(Scene opens in Mrs. Bennett's class. That warm and fuzzy lady has her back to the class, who are patently ignoring her. Daria looks at Jane.)

DARIA: You know what?

JANE: No, and I probably don't want to, either.

DARIA: I was just thinking. It's been a long time since anything humiliating, pointless, or irritating happened. We're past due for an earth-shattering event.

(Both girls look up as Ms. Li knocks on the door, then enters the room.)

JANE: Right on cue.

MS. LI: Mrs. Bennett, can I make a short announcement to the class?

MRS. BENNETT: (smiling as usual) Of course, go right ahead.

MS. LI: Class, I'm pleased to announce that the annual Lawndale student weight-lifting competition will be held *here* a week from Saturday. As you all know, this is quite an anticipated event here in Lawndale, and this will be the first year it is to be held here at this school. Now, I'm sure that all of you boys will be more than glad to enter the competition in order to help bring glory to (trademarked Ms. Li voice) Laawwndale Hiigh.

(Jane raises her hand.)

MS. LI: Yes, Miss Lane?

JANE: You said you wanted all the boys to participate.

MS. LI: (puzzled) Ah... yes.

JANE: Isn't that sexist? I mean, what if a *girl* wanted to participate, but couldn't because of stone-age assumptions about gender?

MS. LI: Jane, are you saying *you'd* like to participate?

JANE: (thinks a moment) Nah. It's just a thought.

(Cut to Daria and Jane walking home that afternoon.)

DARIA: Your days are numbered. You know that, don't you?

JANE: What, you think Ms. Li's in the Mob?

DARIA: She doesn't *need* the Mob. This whole weight-lifting thing is ridiculous anyway.

JANE: Are you kidding? This is our big chance, Daria!

DARIA: (surprised) You're not *really* thinking of entering, are you?

JANE: (snickers) Hell, no.

DARIA: Then what is this opportunity of which you speak?

JANE: *Think* about it. Weight-lifting. Lots of guys. Lots of big, *strong* guys with yummy musk-les.

DARIA: (gives her a Look) That's disgusting.

JANE: Come *on*, Daria. Even *you* have to admit that it sounds like fun.

DARIA: Yeah, almost as fun as going shopping with Quinn.

JANE: (sighs) One of these days, the people from *your* planet will come back for you. Until then, will you at least go to the thing with me?

DARIA: What's in it for me?

JANE: Uh... the knowledge that you helped a friend in need?

DARIA: (wryly) In need of *what*? (sighs) Okay, okay, I'll go. But I won't enjoy it.

JANE: Do you *ever*?

DARIA: (smirks) Not if I can help it.

JANE: Oh, you want to come over tomorrow? I'm supposed to be painting a picture of Trent and Jesse for Mystik Spiral to use on their next release's booklet. (She rolls her eyes.) People'll take one look at Trent and decide *not* to buy it.

DARIA: Erm...

JANE: You can hold my palette for me. (smirks) And keep Trent entertained while I'm painting him.

DARIA: I have no choice in the matter, do I?

JANE: (thinks for a minute) Not really.

(Cut to the Morgendorffers at dinner that night.)

QUINN: Guess what? The school's hosting a weight-lifting competition! (She gets a dreamy look in her eyes.) The Fashion Club has volunteered to help serve refreshments to the boys.

HELEN: Well, that's very sweet of you girls. It's not often that young people will do something without expecting to get something in return.

DARIA: Oh, they're expecting to *get something* all right.

HELEN: (glares) Daria, you're being awfully negative.

DARIA: Why not? I don't see any reason to get all excited over a bunch of sweaty guys with big muscles.

(Quinn makes a little "oohing" noise.)

HELEN: Well, it would be different if you showed interest in *any* sort of boys.

DARIA: (scowls) Just because I don't care about the kind of boys *Quinn* likes, doesn't mean that I don't like *anybody*! (She suddenly realizes what she just said and turns pale.)

HELEN: (suddenly motherly) So you *are* interested in somebody?

(Daria looks down and picks at her lasagna.)

DARIA: (defensively) I didn't say *that*.

QUINN: Let *me* handle this, Mom. Daria, is it Paul? Because if it's Paul, I could set you up. Or is it David? He's really nice, but (patented Quinn-laugh) those *shoes*! Or do you like--

DARIA: (glares) I don't like anybody!

(She gets up and stalks away from the table. Quinn smiles knowingly.)

QUINN: Just give her a little time.

(Cut to Jane's room the next day. Daria is sitting on the bed, while Jane gathers up her art supplies.)

DARIA: ...so then Quinn starts offering to "set me up" with somebody. I think I convinced them that my heart is free of that clutter some people call "love".

JANE: Too bad it's a bald-faced *lie*. (Daria glares.) Hey, can you carry my easel? Trent wanted me to paint the picture in the basement.

(Daria picks up the easel and rather awkwardly carries it out of the room. Cut to the Lane basement as Jane starts down the stairs laiden with brushes and paint.)

JANE: You guys ready?

(Trent and Jesse approach the stairs.)

TRENT: Yeah, sure, Janey.

(Daria staggers into the room still lugging the easel. She starts down the stairs.)

TRENT: Hey, Daria.

(Daria looks up suddenly on the third step from the bottom, then trips. She goes flying one way, and the easel goes another. Trent manages to halfway catch Daria, but the easel is not so lucky and falls to the ground with a clatter.)

TRENT: You all right?

(He helps Daria to her feet. She's blushing madly.)

DARIA: Yeah, I'm fine. (thought VO) But my dignity was DOA.

(Jane rescues her abused easel and sets it up.)

JANE: Before Daria manages to kill us all (Daria shoots Jane a deadly look) let me get this thing set up. Where do you guys want to pose?

TRENT: Umm... how about on the stairs? That okay, Jesse?

JESSE: Cool.

JANE: Suits me. (She tilts her head to one side as the boys ascend to the third step.) That's good, stay right there. Trent, hold your guitar up a little more. A little to the left, Jesse. Good... goooood... now stay there while I paint this. Should only take a few hours.

(She smirks and begins to paint. A few minutes later, Trent begins to look uncomfortable.)

TRENT: Janey, can I move now? This thing's getting heavy.

JANE: Heavy? Trent, you're a wuss.

TRENT: Then make Jesse hold the guitar.

JANE: Go ahead.

(Trent hands the guitar to Jesse, who holds it up in the air.)

JANE: See, Trent? It's *not* heavy. (to Daria) I bet *he* wouldn't last five minutes at the competition.

(Trent suddenly looks suspicious.)

TRENT: *What* competition?

JANE: Oh, the school's hosting that weight-lifting competition they have every year.

DARIA: And Jane's dragging me along because she wants to--(Jane shoots Daria a dirty look.) Uh, support the school.

JESSE: Cool.

JANE: That gives me an idea. Jesse, why don't you enter? They have a division for college-aged students.

DARIA: Hopefully, the "college" part isn't required.

JESSE: Er...

JANE: (temptingly) You could win money. *And* they have free refreshments.

JESSE: Cool. I'm there.

TRENT: Maybe I should enter too.

JANE: You? (She snickers.) You don't stand a chance.

(Trent narrows his eyes.)

(Cut to later that afternoon, when Jane is through with Trent and Jesse for the day. She leaves her supplies in the basement and starts up the stairs, followed by Jesse. Trent remains in the basement, fiddling with his guitar. Daria stops halfway up the stairs and turns back to him.)

DARIA: You coming?

TRENT: I, uh, think I'm going to stay down here for a little while.

DARIA: Oh.

(She turns to go back up. Trent looks up.)

TRENT: Daria?

(Daria halfway turns around.)

DARIA: Yeah?

TRENT: Do *you* think I shouldn't enter the competition?

DARIA: (surprised) Er... well, if you want to, you should do it. But *I* think it's a waste of time.

(Trent, thinking that she means him entering rather than the competition in general, looks crestfallen.)

TRENT: Oh.

(Daria walks out of the basement. After a moment, Trent goes up the stairs and starts walking to his room. He pauses at a mirror hanging in the hall and looks at his reflection, then sighs.)

(Cut to Lawndale High on Monday. The Fashion Club is walking down the hall, approaching people to raise money for the food. They stop at Daria's locker, where she is standing with Jane.)

SANDI: Um, Quinn's... cousin, or whatever, we're raising money for refreshments for the weight-lifting competition.

DARIA: Do you have a point?

(Sandi narrows her eyes.)

QUINN: (exasperated) Just give us some money, Daria.

DARIA: Why should I waste my money on a pointless excuse for--

(She breaks off in surprise as Jane pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to Sandi.)

DARIA: Jane?

(Jane looks at her and shrugs.)

JANE: It's for a good cause.

SANDI: (pointedly, glaring at Daria) Thank you for being so *generous*, uhh, Quinn's cousin's little friend or whatever.

(The Fashion Club stalks off.)

DARIA: (scowls) I can't believe you just gave them money to buy food for a bunch of guys you don't even know.

JANE: Better than feeding the guys I *do* know. (She shrugs again.) Just think of it as me doing my part for Lawndale High.

DARIA: That makes it even worse.

(They start walking to class, passing Brittany, who is standing on a stack of books in order to hang a large poster advertising the competition. Jane and Daria stop to watch as Brittany loses her balance and falls off the books, landing rather hard on the floor.)

BRITTANY: (angrily) Oooh, DAMMIT!

DARIA: (without emotion) Uh, are you okay?

(Brittany struggles to her feet, as Jane stands on the books and finishes hanging the poster.)

BRITTANY: (perky again) I'm okay. Thanks, you guys! (She beams.) Aren't you excited about the competition?

DARIA: (pointed glance at Jane) Some of us are.

BRITTANY: (clasps her hands, dreamily) I just *know* Kevvie's going to win! He's sooo strong!

(Jane and Daria exchange looks.)

(Cut to an exterior shot of the gym at the Lawndale YMCA later that afternoon as a familiar junky blue car pulls into a parking place. Cut to the inside of the gym as Trent walks in and looks around, with his usual narrow-eyed expression. An extremely built man comes up to him.)

Y MAN: (looks Trent up and down rather disdainfully) Uh, are you looking for someone, or...

TRENT: Uh, no.

(The man looks rather skeptical.)

Y MAN: Try not to hurt yourself. (He smirks and walks off.)

(Trent glares, then approaches a weight bench. He looks at it rather helplessly, then his expression changes to determined.)

(Cut to the outside of the Lane house much later. Jane jogs up to the door wearing her running shorts and headphones. Stopping, she pulls off the headphones, then unlocks the door. Going inside, she stops short.)

JANE: Uh, Trent?

(Cut to show Trent draped across the sofa, looking very exhausted and very sweaty.)

JANE: What happened to *you*?

(Trent gets up very slowly, wincing.)

TRENT: Nothing. I'm... fine...

JANE: Er... if you say so... (She starts for the stairs. over her shoulder) Just make sure you clean the sweat stains off of the sofa.

(Cut to Daria and Jane walking home from school Friday afternoon. Daria is glowering.)

DARIA: If I hear one more thing about this stupid competition, I'm going to scream. (She looks at Jane challengingly.) Even *you* have to admit that having Upchuck spend a whole class talking about how he's going to win is a little too much.

JANE: Anything dealing with Upchuck is too much. (They reach Jane's house and go up the sidewalk to the door.) You *do* have a point, though. Some people just take things too far.

(As the door opens, cut to a POV from inside the house, showing Daria and Jane. They stop and stare.)

JANE: *Trent*?

(Cut to a shot of Trent standing in the doorway. His clothes are newer-looking, his hair combed, his earrings gone--and he's shaved!)

TRENT: (innocently) What? Oh, hey Daria.

(Cut back to Jane and Daria.)

JANE: Daria, I think it's finally time to ship 'im off to the Funny Farm.

(Cut to Trent, who glares, then pushes past Jane and Daria and starts walking to his car.)

JANE: Hey, where are you going?

TRENT: (over his shoulder) Nowhere.

(He gets in his car and drives off. Jane gets a determined look on her face, then reaches inside the house and grabs a set of keys off a hook by the door. She starts for her mom's car.)

JANE: C'mon, Daria.

DARIA: (still stunned) But... (She starts after Jane.) You don't have a liscense!

(Jane gets in the car and starts the engine.)

JANE: Some things are worth breaking the law for.

(Reluctantly, Daria gets in the passenger seat. Jane backs out of the driveway very fast and nearly hits a mailbox, then speeds off down the road. Cut to Daria in the car, clutching the door.)

DARIA: Dammit, Jane, you're gonna get us killed!

(Cut to closeup of Jane.)

JANE: Daria, Trent *shaved*. You don't realize how serious this is. I *have* to know where he's going. (She suddenly swerves and honks the horn.) Damn old drivers.

DARIA: Do you even know which way Trent went?

JANE: (looks around, then points) There he is! (She turns the wheel sharply, causing Daria to lurch against the door.)

DARIA: If I told you I was going to throw up, would you stop?

JANE: Only long enough to leave you by the side of the road. Hey look, he's slowing down! (She slams on the brakes, then turns in.) The Y? Wonder what he's doing here.

DARIA: He just pulled up at the gym.

JANE: The *gym*? (She pulls into a parking place far from Trent's car. They watch as Trent gets out of his car and goes into the gym. Jane turns to Daria.) Daria, something really weird has happened. This is Trent we're talking about, the one who needs 18 hours of sleep a day and never leaves the house.

DARIA: (in disgust) First he looks like the Fashion Club gave him a makeover, then he goes to work out? (She sighs.) I bet I know what it is.

JANE: By all means, fill me in, oh enlightened one.

DARIA: (flatly) He must be trying to impress a girl.

JANE: Hmm. Good point. (She smirks.) Guys have been known to do stupid things for us ladies. I guess for Trent that shaving was one of them. (Her smirk gets eviller.) You know what this means, Daria?

DARIA: (thought VO) That I'm going to have to hire a hit man? (out loud, dejected) That Trent has a girlfriend. So?

JANE: You really don't get it, do you?

DARIA: (suspiciously) What?

JANE: You know how we were talking about what a wuss Trent was? Then you said he asked you about the competition?

DARIA: Uh, yeah.

JANE: There you go!

DARIA: (glances around) *I* didn't go anywhere.

JANE: (exasperated) Quit being a dim bulb. He's doing this to impress *you*!

(Daria gives Jane her most deadpan look.)

DARIA: Sure. Whatever.

JANE: (sighs) You're impossible. Tell you what. Let's go talk to Jesse about it. Maybe he knows something we don't.

(Cut to Daria, Jane, and Jesse in his room. It's a lot like Trent's, only a little smaller and even messier. All three are sitting on the floor.)

JESSE: I haven't seen Trent since the gig Sunday night. He seemed normal then.

JANE: I thought that was when he threw up on stage.

JESSE: Like I said, he seemed normal. Last night, I called him to see if he wanted to come over, but he said he couldn't talk. (He shrugs.)

JANE: Daria and I think it has something to do with a girl, don't we, Daria?

DARIA: I, uh--

JESSE: I dunno. He hasn't *mentioned* any girls. Come to think of it, he never *sees* any girls that I know of, except for you two.

(Cut to closeup of Jane.)

JANE: (triumphantly) See, Daria, I tol--Owww!

(Cut back to shot of all three.)

JESSE: Hunh?

JANE: (rubbing her arm ruefully) Nothing. (She stands up.) We'd better get home before Trent does.

DARIA: (standing up) Or before the police follow the trail of destruction you left in your wake.

(Cut to Jane pulling up at Daria's house.)

DARIA: I suppose you're still insisting on me coming tomorrow?

JANE: Think of it as a chance to see Upchuck humiliated in front of most of the girls in Lawndale.

DARIA: That almost makes it worthwhile.

(Daria walks up to the house as Jane drives away. As Daria walks past the kitchen, she is surprised to see Quinn with her hair pulled up, stirring in a large bowl dejectedly.)

DARIA: Mixing arsenic into our lasanga?

QUINN: (sulking) We didn't raise enough money to buy refreshments, so we're having to make them ourselves.

(Daria peers into the bowl.)

DARIA: Homemade chocolate chip cookies? (She looks at Quinn.) I'm sure the 99-cent packs of cookies at the seven-eleven would have sufficed. Or can you not afford that?

QUINN: (exasperated) Daria, we can't just give them cheap cookies! They deserve better!

DARIA: Hmm. I see you subscribe to the theory that the way to a man's heart is through chocolate chip cookies. (She suddenly looks puzzled.) What's that smell?

QUINN: Ohmigod!

(She runs to the oven, which issues forth large quantities of black smoke. Quinn dejectedly pulls out a tray of nuclear chocolate chip cookie waste.)

QUINN: This is *horrible*!

DARIA: Under normal circumstances, I would leave you to your suffering. But since you're in danger of burning the whole house down, I'm going to show you something. (She goes over to the refrigerator and pulls out a tube of cookie dough.) This is Slice-n-Bake cookie dough. Use it.

(She hands Quinn the dough and walks into the living room. Jake is sitting on the sofa reading the newspaper, while Helen has papers spread out all over the other sofa. Daria sits on the floor.)

HELEN: What's that burning smell?

DARIA: Quinn is getting acquainted with that jovial powdery soul known as the Pillsbury Doughboy.

HELEN: (pleasantly) Daria, are you going to the weight-lifting competition tomorrow?

DARIA: Jane's making me.

HELEN: Good. (not at all pleasantly) Keep an eye on Quinn.

DARIA: What? You're actually *admitting* that you don't trust her?

HELEN: It's not that we don't trust her. It's those boys that I don't trust.

DARIA: The same boys you wish I would show some interest it?

HELEN: Well... I... (snapping) Jake, help me out here!

JAKE: (startled) Hunh? What are we talking about?

HELEN: The weight-lifting competition.

JAKE: Ohh. I remember being in one of those when *I* was a kid. The glory of triumph... the agony of defeat... (He glares.) Especially the agony. "Look at Jake, the *wimp*." "Can't you lift it, Jakey?" (He glowers.) And what are those guys, doing today, hmmm? *I'll* tell you what they're doing! *They're* construction and factory workers, but not Jakey, the wimp! Nooo, Jake's a *big* man now! Why, I--

(The phone rings. Jake is immediately his old self again as he answers it.)

JAKE: (pleasantly) Hello? (pauses) Sure, just a minute. (covers the mouth piece, to Daria) It's for you, kiddo.

(Daria takes the phone.)

DARIA: Hello?

(Split screen with her and Jane.)

JANE: Daria, you're not going to believe this.

DARIA: Let me guess. Brittany's running for student council.

JANE: This is even weirder. Trent's entering the competition?

(Daria looks surprised.)

DARIA: *Trent*?

(Cut to full screen shot of the Morgendorffer living room. Helen and Jake exchange knowing little smiles. Daria glares. Cut back to split screen with Jane.)

JANE: Yeah. Daria, I'm really beginning to wonder about him. I mean, he's never actually participated in anything like this before. In fact, the only time I've ever seen him work up a sweat is when he's practicing. If this *is* about you...

DARIA: (snaps) I'm sure it doesn't have anything to do with me.

(Cut to full screen of the living room again. Helen's knowing litle smile gets a little bigger. Daria scowls.)

DARIA: Jane, I gotta go. You'll pick me up tomorrow, right?

JANE: (phone VO) Yeah, sure. See ya.

DARIA: Bye.

(She turns off the phone, then looks at her parents, who are still smiling.)

DARIA: *What*?

(She puts down the phone and stalks off. Helen turns to Jake, still smiling.)

HELEN: Isn't this sweet?

JAKE: Uh, isn't what sweet?

HELEN: (scowls) Never mind.

(Cut to Daria up in her room. She's writing in her journal, somewhat angrily.)

DARIA: (writing VO) Jane's convinced that Trent's acting all weird because of me. And now Mom's certain that I like Trent. Isn't there anyone around who isn't concerned about my love life?

(Quinn walks by Daria's door, talking on the portable phone.)

QUINN: (talking on the phone) And then I told Sandi that of *course* the skirt was cute, but it was actually sooo *dated* looking! I mean, really, blue is *so* out right now. But then...

(Her voice fades as she walks down the hall. Daria turns back to her journal.)

DARIA: (writing VO) Never mind.

(Cut to the Morgendorffer's living room the next morning. Quinn comes staggering in carrying a huge tray of cookies covered in Saran Wrap. Daria walks down the stairs and looks at the tray.)

DARIA: I see you went with the Slice-and-Bake.

QUINN: Yeah, they're soo easy! That was actually... a good idea, Daria.

DARIA: (surprised) Er, thanks.

(There is a horn honking.)

QUINN: That must be Sandi! Gotta go!

(She starts to run to the door, then pauses and turns around.)

QUINN: Daria, *you* aren't going to the competition, are you?

DARIA: Do you actually think I'd care about watching a bunch of guys lifting weights?

QUINN: (laughs a little) You're right. Silly me. Bye!

(She leaves.)

DARIA: Sucker.

(Helen walks in, about to leave for a Saturday brunch meeting.)

HELEN: Daria, do you have a ride to the school?

DARIA: Yeah. Trent's driving me and Jane.

(Helen looks interested.)

HELEN: (knowingly) Ohhh.

(Daria narrows her eyes and opens her mouth to retort, but doesn't get a chance, as there is the sound of another car horn outside. Daria turns to leave.)

HELEN: Have fun, dear!

DARIA: (sardonically) Yeah, boy.

(She goes outside and gets in the back of Trent's car with Jane. Trent, still with his "new look", is driving, while Jesse is in the passenger seat, eating jelly beans as fast as he can.)

JANE: (whispering) Ready for a fun day of guy-watching?

DARIA: (whispering) Yeah, you know me. Little miss flirt. What's with the jelly beans?

JANE: (whispering) Energy. Jesse's convinced that a sugar high will make him stronger. (She shrugs.) Long as Trent stays away from the things. They give him a worse sugar high than syrup does. (out loud) Hey, Trent, you're really serious about being in this competition?

TRENT: Yeah. Why not?

DARIA: (thought VO) Maybe because you don't stand a chance of winning?

JANE: Maybe because you don't stand a chance of winning?

TRENT: (hurt) Janey...

JANE: Trent, what is *with* you lately? You're been acting so *weird*.

TRENT: What have I been doing that's so weird?

JANE: Everything! You look weird, you act weird. You've been going to the gym, for God's sake!

(Daria pokes Jane in the side hard. Jane suddenly looks embarrassed.)

JANE: Oops.

(Trent glares.)

TRENT: How do *you* know?

JANE: I... uh... found your dirty sweat socks?

JESSE: You? Working *out*? (He starts laughing.)

(Trent scowls even more as he pulls up by Lawndale High's gym. The four get out and go inside. The gym is crawling with muscley guys and adoring girls. Trent and Jesse spot the registration table and head over while Daria and Jane walk over to the bleachers. Cut to the Fashion Club's refreshment table as they walk past.)

TIFFANY: Quinn, isn't that your cousin?

(Quinn looks up.)

QUINN: Oooooogggggggg. She said she wasn't coming!

STACY: I wonder what she and her friend are doing here, anyway.

SANDI: Yeah, it's not like they actually *like* boys or whatever.

(Kevin comes wandering up to the table.)

KEVIN: (grinning) Hi Quinn!

QUINN: Hiii, Kevin!

(Sandi scowls.)

KEVIN: Can I have a cookie?

QUINN: Weelll... we're *supposed* to serve them *after* the tournament, but since it's for *you*, I think we can make an exception. Don't you, Tiffany?

TIFFANY: Yeah, definitely. What do you think, Stacy?

STACY: Sure!

KEVIN: Cool, thanks! (He takes about five cookies and stuffs one into his mouth. muffled) Bye, Quinn. Bye, Tiffany, bye Stacy. Bye, uh... what's your name again?

(Sandi scowls even more.)

QUINN: Good luck, Kevin!

TIFFANY & STACY: Yeah, good luck!

(Kevin leaves.)

TIFFANY: He really liked your cookies, Quinn.

QUINN: ("modestly") Well... I *did* work *really* hard baking them.

STACY: They're sooo cute.

(Sandi looks deadly.)

TIFFANY: Yeah, how'd you get the little hearts in the middle of them?

QUINN: Secret family recipe.

(Cut to Daria and Jane sitting on the bleachers. Brittany and Jodie come over and sit down on the bleachers behind them.)

BRITTANY: Isn't this exciting!

DARIA: Oh yeah. The highlight of my year.

JANE: (to Jodie) Is Mack entering?

JODIE: Yeah. That's why I'm here.

DARIA: (smirking a little) What, you're not here to see honor bestowed upon (Ms. Li voice) Laawwndale Hiigh?

JODIE: (smirks) Hardly. But don't tell Ms. Li. What are you guys doing here, anyway? I didn't expect to see you.

JANE: Moral support.

DARIA: Jane, I think your reasons for being here are hardly moral.

JODIE: (wryly) I see. Who are you supposed to be supporting?

JANE: My brother and his friend.

DARIA: And any other attractive guys who happen to be out there.

BRITTANY: Ooh, your brother's the scrawny-looking one over there, right?

(Jane and Daria exchange glances.)

JANE: Yep. That's the one.

(Upchuck walks up to the girls.)

UPCHUCK: Hello, ladies!

GIRLS: (deadpan) Hello Charles.

UPCHUCK: Are you ready to see amazing feats of muscular prowess? (He attempts to flex his muscles.)

DARIA: You bet. Just let me know when the muscles show up.

UPCHUCK: Well I'd better go *warm up*. But if any of you ladies would be interested in a little private demonstration after the competition, just let me know. Rrrrrowwwwwwwwwllllll!

(He walks off.)

JANE: *That* was unpleasant.

(Before anyone else can comment, Kevin comes over to the girls.)

KEVIN: (to Brittany) Hey, babe! I'm all ready to go out there and make you proud!

BRITTANY: Oh, Kevvie, I'll be proud of you no matter what!

KEVIN: How about a little kiss for luck?

JODIE: (quickly) Maybe you'd better not. You wouldn't want to be distracted during the competition.

KEVIN: Yeah, you're right, Jodie. Good thinking!

JANE: (whispering, to Jodie) Thanks.

JODIE: (whispering, to Jane) No problem.

BRITTANY: Well, good luck, Kevvie! I may not be out there cheering for you physically, (with sweet earnestness) but I'll be cheering for you in my heart!

KEVIN: Awwwwww, thanks babe.

JODIE: Good luck, Kevin.

JANE: Yeah, good luck.

DARIA: Don't drop the weights on your foot or anything.

KEVIN: Hey, thanks for the advice, Daria!

(He thumps her on the shoulder as he walks off. Daria rubs her shoulder ruefully.)

(Cut to the Fashion Club's table. Despite the fact that the food was meant for *after* the competition, most of it is already gone. Stacy is handing out cookies and chips while Quinn is serving punch. Sandi and Tiffany are standing a distance behind them. A blond guy wanders up to the table.)

STACY: Hi, would you like some chips?

QUINN: Or some punch?

STACY: Or some cookies?

GUY: (smiling broadly) Thanks.

(He takes a glass of punch from Quinn and drinks some of it.)

GUY: Hey, this is really good!

QUINN: ("modestly") Thanks. I made it myself.

(Cut to Sandi and Tiffany. Sandi glares furiously.)

SANDI: But *I*, like, brought the punch!

TIFFANY: Yeah. That's so unfair of Quinn. You oughta do something about it.

SANDI: I think I will.

(She walks up to Quinn and taps her on the shoulder.)

SANDI: Quinn, Tiffany wants to speak to you and Stacy.

QUINN: Oh, okay!

(They walk over to Tiffany. Sandi looks around, then grabs a bag of sugar that had been used to sweeten the punch. She pours the whole bag into the bowl of punch, then hides the empty sack under the table. Cut to Quinn and Stacy talking to Tiffany.)

QUINN: Sandi didn't seem to like my cookies very much.

TIFFANY: Oh, your cookies are *much* better than her punch.

QUINN: Really?

TIFFANY: Definitely.

(Quinn and Stacy retake their positions at the table just as Jesse and Trent walk up to the table.)

STACY: Hi, want some cookies?

JESSE: Sure.

(He takes one.)

STACY: Just one?

JESSE: Well... if you insist...

(He takes five more. Trent reaches for one, but Jesse stops him.)

JESSE: You'd better not. You don't want a sugar high for this.

TRENT: Yeah, guess you're right. I'll just get some punch.

QUINN: (disdainfully) Uh, here. (She hands Trent a glass of punch. to Jesse, sweetly) Would *you* like some? I made it myself.

JESSE: No, 'sokay.

(Trent drinks some of the punch and makes a face.)

TRENT: This tastes kind of weird.

(He shrugs and drinks the rest of it, then he and Jesse walk off. Halfway to the bleachers where the rest of the participants are, Trent stops.)

TRENT: Jesse... I feel kinda... weird.

JESSE: Uh, maybe you'd better sit down.

TRENT: Yeah... I guess...

(He gets a really goofy grin on his face.)

JESSE: Uh oh.

(He goes back over to the Fashion Club's table. to Quinn)

JESSE: How much sugar was in that punch?

QUINN: I... uh... I dunno...

JESSE: I thought you said you made it.

QUINN: Well... um...

JESSE: (exasperated [!]) Never mind.

(He walks off again. Sandi and Tiffany look at each other and smirk.)

(Cut back to Trent, still spaced out. Jesse takes him by the hand and leads him over to where Jane and Daria are sitting with Jodie and Brittany. Jesse sits Trent down between Jane and Daria.)

JESSE: I don't think Trent's up to participating.

DARIA: What happened to him?

JESSE: He drank some of your sister's punch, and it gave him a sugar high.

(He goes off to rejoin the other participants.)

DARIA: (surprised) Punch? My sister didn't bring any punch.

JANE: (looks at Trent) Well, whoever's punch it was, it worked wonders. At least he won't humiliate himself in public now.

(Daria looks at Jodie and Brittany who are staring at Trent in amazement.)

DARIA: Too late.

(Trent looks at Daria and smiles.)

TRENT: Hey Daria.

(He puts his head on her shoulder and goes to sleep. Daria drops her head in her hand as Jane looks on, smirking. Jodie and Brittany look at each other and shrug.)

(Cut to the POV of the spectators on the bleachers as Ms. Li walks up to a microphone set up in the middle of the gym.)

MS. LI: It is my pleasure today to welcome all of you to Lawndale High. I hope this year's competition will be as exciting as last year's was. Without last year's little... accident. Anyway, as you probably know, the competition is judged solely by you spectators. After the participants demonstrate their strength, they will be judged by your applause. Let's get started! First to compete is Charles Ruttheimer III!

(Upchuck walks proudly out to where the dumbbells [how apt!] are. He bows to the crowd, then bends over and completely fails to lift them at all. After four or five attempts, Ms. Li intervenes.)

MS. LI: Uh, our next participant...

(Cut to Kevin's turn, later on. He picks up the dumbbells and holds them high over his head.)

BRITTANY: (squealing) Goooooo Kevvie!

(Kevin flashes her a grin, then suddenly loses his balance.)

KEVIN: Whoooooooooooooooa...

(He falls over backwards.)

(Cut to Mack's turn. He lifts the dumbbells over his head, then quickly puts them down again.)

(Cut to Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie lifting in quick succession, every one of them looking to Quinn for approval.)

(Cut to Jesse. He lifts the dumbbells over his head and holds them there, looking bored.)

MS. LI: Thank you, Mr. Moreno. (long pause) Uh, Mr. Moreno? You can put the dumbbells down now.

JESSE: Oh.

(He sets them down and goes to the end of the line of participants.)

MS. LI: As I call out the name of each participant, applaud as you see fit. The participant with the most applause wins.

(Cut to shot of Upchuck.)

MS. LI: (offscreen VO) Charles Ruttheimer III!

(There is absolute silence. Upchuck glances around nervously.)

(Cut to shot of Kevin.)

MS. LI: (offscreen VO) Kevin Thompson!

(Cut to shot of the girls and Trent on the bleachers.)

BRITTANY: Go, Kevvie!!!

(She applauds wildly. Jodie claps politely. Jane looks at Daria, who is watching Trent sleeping on her shoulder.)

(Cut to shot of Mack.)

MS. LI: Michael Jordan MacKenzie!

(There is quite a bit of applause.)

(Cut to shot of Joey.)

MS. LI: Joey Williams!

(Light applause.)

(Cut to shot of Jeffy.)

MS. LI: Jeffy Smith!

(More light applause.)

(Cut to shot of Jamie.)

MS. LI: Er... (loud whisper) What's his name again?

(Jamie looks hurt, then perks up when there is a good bit of applause for him.)

(Cut to shot of Jesse.)

MS. LI: (considerably less enthusiasm than before) Jesse Moreno.

(Thunderous applause. Jesse glances from side to side, looking a little confused.)

(Cut to shot of Ms. Li hastily conferring with assorted other official persons. Cut to shot of Trent and the girls.)

DARIA: (to Jane) You think we ought to wake Trent up for the big moment?

(Jane looks at Trent, who is smiling slightly in his sleep.)

JANE: He seems to be enjoying himself right now. (She looks at Daria, who is watching Trent almost fondly.) I don't think he's the only one, either. (Daria glares.)

(Cut to shot of Ms. Li at the microphone again.)

MS. LI: I'm pleased to announce the winners of the competition. Third place goes to... uh, the blond boy second from the end.

(Cut to shot of Jamie. He grins.)

(Cut back to Ms. Li.)

MS. LI: Second place goes to Michael Jordan MacKenzie!

(Cut to shot of Trent and the girls. Jodie is genuinely pleased.)

BRITTANY: Ooh, that must mean that Kevvie got *first place*!

(Cut back to Ms. Li.)

MS. LI: And first place goes to... Jesse Moreno!

(Cut to closeup of horrifed Brittany.)

BRITTANY: What?!?

(Cut to shot of all the girls and Trent. Jane looks at Daria and shrugs.)

JANE: Who knew?

(Cut to a few minutes later. Kevin is sitting on the bleachers dejectedly, while Brittany is sitting beside him.)

KEVIN: I thought I did it, babe! I really did.

BRITTANY: It's okay, Kevvie. I know you tried.

KEVIN: (looks at her hopefully) You're still proud of me, right?

(Brittany glances to the side.)

BRITTANY: Uh, sure, Kevvie, of course.

(Cut to Jane, Daria, and Trent on the bleachers; Jodie and Mack are standing in front of them. Trent is still asleep.)

DARIA: Congratulations, Mack.

JANE: Yeah, ya did good.

MACK: Thanks. (He looks at Trent. to Daria, wryly) Looks like your boyfriend couldn't take the excitement.

DARIA: (blushing) I... uh...

(Trent chooses this moment to wake up.)

TRENT: (groggily) Wha...

JANE: (mad scientist voice) It's aliiiiiiive...

DARIA: Uh, Trent, Jesse won the competition.

TRENT: The wha--Ohh. That's nice.

JANE: He won't be so cooperative when he *really* wakes up and realizes he missed the whole thing.

(Trent puts his arms around Daria and smiles at her.)

TRENT: You know, you're really comfortable.

MS. LI: (offscreen VO) Miss Morgendorffer!!

(Jodie, Mack, Jane, and Daria watch as Ms. Li comes marching over to them. Trent only closes his eyes again.)

MS. LI: Miss Morgendorffer, public displays of affection are unacceptable at school functions!

(Jodie and Mack exchange looks.)

DARIA: But--

MS. LI: Desist right this instant.

(Between them, Jane and Daria manage to get Trent in a sitting position. He opens his eyes, looks at Ms. Li, and scowls.)

TRENT: Bitch.

(Needless to say, Ms. Li is left speechless--not a bad thing.)

MS. LI: Why... I... well I never!

(For lack of anything better to do, she turns and walks off again.)

MACK: (to Trent) Right on, man. (to Jodie as they walk off) I can't *wait* until I've graduated.

(Jesse comes over to Jane, Daria, and Trent.)

JANE: Congratulations. Aren't you glad I made you enter?

JESSE: (shrugs) I guess. I did get $100 and free cookies out of it.

(Jane stands up.)

JANE: Help us to get Trent out of here before he gets the police after us. He already called Ms. Li a bitch because she made him get off of Daria.

(Daria blushes.)

DARIA: I'm sure that wasn't why--

TRENT: (yawns) I was so comfortable and she made me move, damn her. Daria, we'll have to try that again, okay?

JANE: (smirks) Yeah, Daria, you had nothing to do with it. Uh hunh.

(Cut to the Morgendorffer dinner table that night.)

QUINN: ...and then *somehow* too much sugar got into the punch! It tasted *horrible*. I can't think *why* it happened.

HELEN: Oh dear. I'm sorry things didn't work out well, honey. Daria, did *you* have fun?

DARIA: Oh yeah. Ms. Li busted me for PDA.

QUINN: (laughs) You're so funny sometimes, Daria!

(Daria gets up from the table and goes into the living room. She picks up the phone and dials. Split screen with her and Jane, who's painting.)

JANE: Yo.

DARIA: Hi. It's the Thought Police.

JANE: Ah. Miss PDA.

DARIA: Did Trent recover from his ordeal?

JANE: Well, he woke up if that's what you mean. He's pretty pissed that he missed the competition. He vaguely remembers insulting Ms. Li, but when I mentioned you he turned a very odd shade of pink.

DARIA: (glares) Funny.

JANE: You want to come over? I really don't want to brave Trent's ranting about the competition alone.

DARIA: Yeah, I'll be there in a minute. Oh, and Jane?

JANE: Yeah?

DARIA: (narrows her eyes) One more PDA joke, and you're *dead*.

(Cut to Daria and Jane in Jane's room later that night. Daria's flipping aimlessly through the TV channels, while Jane is painting.)

JANE: I'm kind of thirsty. Why don't you go get us something to drink?

DARIA: (narrows eyes) Lemme guess. Trent's in the kitchen.

JANE: Actually, I'm just lazy. But yes, he's there.

DARIA: (sighs) One of these days, I'm going to turn against you. You know that, don't you?

(She gets up and goes downstairs. Daria enters the kitchen to find Trent sitting at the table, staring into a hand mirror. She looks a little puzzled but does not comment. She takes two Cokes out of the refrigerator and turns to leave.)

TRENT: Daria?

DARIA: (turns around) Yeah?

TRENT: What's wrong with me?

DARIA: What do you mean, what's wrong with you?

(Trent drops the mirror in frustration.)

TRENT: I don't know. It's just... I... I don't know.

(He sighs. Daria sets down the drinks.)

DARIA: (flatly, enunciating every syllable) There is nothing wrong with you. You're happy, and that's more than most people can claim. No matter what other people may think, you're the one who matters.

TRENT: That's not what I meant.

DARIA: Well, that's a first.

TRENT: (scowls) What's that supposed to mean?

DARIA: (quickly) Nothing. What's wrong, then?

TRENT: (melancholy again) It's *me*, not my life, that's screwed up. I mean, even when I try to change myself, it doesn't work. People don't think of me any differently.

(His moping, combined with his makeover, has pushed even Daria's patience to the limit. She glares.)

DARIA: Look, there's nothing *I* can do about it, okay? If you're not happy with yourself, you're the one who's going to have to deal with it.

TRENT: (glares, sarcastically) Gee, thanks, Daria.

DARIA: Oh, so now you're mad because I'm not telling you just what you want to hear.

TRENT: (stands up angrily) And what's that?

DARIA: That you're perfect! Just like I told you all the other times you came and asked me what was wrong with you. I always thought you talked to me about serious stuff because I was your friend, but I should have known the real reason. (She looks hurt.) Whenever you feel bad about yourself, you think, "Gee, I'll go talk to Daria. *She* thinks I'm great, so she'll tell me that I'm perfect and boost my fragile little ego!"

TRENT: (snapping) Daria, you are unbelievable. How can you just stand there and say that to me?

DARIA: (nearly yelling) Because it's *true*! Well you know what? Next time you're just going to have to find some other stupid girl to tell you how damn intelligent and sexy and *wondeful* you are, because *I'm* not going to be there!

(She turns and runs out of the kitchen. Trent stares after her in shock for a moment, then quickly follows her. The front door is partially open, so Trent goes outside and runs after Daria, who is hurriedly walking home.)

TRENT: Daria! Wait!

(She doesn't stop when he catches up to her.)

DARIA: (without looking at him, flatly) What.

(He grabs her shoulders and makes her face him.)

TRENT: Look, I... I didn't know you felt that way.

DARIA: (looks down) Well, now you do.

TRENT: I really didn't know. And honestly, it isn't true. (She looks at him.) The reason I always talk to *you* about serious things is that I know you *understand* and that you'll listen. But most of all, I know that you'll tell the truth and say just what you think. (He smiles ruefully.) And if I'm acting like a total idiot, I know you'll tell me. I'm really sorry for yelling at you.

DARIA: It's okay. And, uh, I'm sorry too. For saying that stuff. I didn't mean what I said about not being there for you.

(They start walking toward Daria's house.)

DARIA: Trent? Why did you do it? Try to change yourself you mean.

TRENT: (looks down) Well, uh, actually... it was because of the other day. When Janey was talking about Jesse being so much better than me.

DARIA: (surprised) But she was only kidding!

TRENT: Yeah, I know. Kinda dumb of me, wasn't it? (He looks at her sideways and smiles a little.) I kept looking for a favorable glance from you to know that I did the right thing. When *that* never came, I started to wonder if it wasn't a big mistake.

DARIA: If you want my *honest* opinion, I'll have to tell you that I prefer the old Trent. The one with holes in his clothes that always looks like he just woke up.

TRENT: That reminds me. (He yawns.) I'm way behind on my sleeping.

DARIA: (smirks) After today, I'm surprised.

TRENT: (blushes) Oh. Yeah. Your sister and her spiked punch. So, uh, what exactly did I say to Ms. Li?

DARIA: You called her a bitch.

TRENT: (looks at her, surprised) Really? Wow. Wish I remembered it.

(They reach Daria's house, and she stands on the lower step and turns to him.)

DARIA: I guess you'll go get started on your sleeping schedule, hunh?

TRENT: (grins) Yeah. Right after I find my earrings. (He pauses. a little nervously) Uh, Daria?

DARIA: Yeah?

TRENT: (looks down) When you were, uh, yelling, you said something about me being... er, sexy. (glances up at her) Did you... mean that?

DARIA: (wryly) Not when your hair looks like *that*. (She suddenly blushes.) Er... I mean...

TRENT: (laughs a little) It does look pretty bad, doesn't it? (He rakes his fingers through his hair, returning it to its usual uncombed state.) Any better?

DARIA: It's great. (She blushes again. thought VO) Dammit!

TRENT: (smiling, softly) Good.

DARIA: (nervously) Um, I better go. See ya.

TRENT: Yeah. Bye.

(Daria hurriedly retreats to the relative safety of the Morgendorffer house before she embarrasses herself further. Trent stands outside a moment, looking thoughtful, then he puts his hands in his pockets and starts walking home. Cut to a shot of the empty interior of the Lane house.)

JANE: (offscreen VO, calling) Daria? You get those drinks yet? (long pause) Daria?

(End credits.)






THE END