IT'S A WONDERFUL MISERY CHICK LIFE By Patrick Moore CMoore1703@aol.com = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = DARIA and other related characters are owned by MTV and Viacom. "It's a Wonderful Life" is created by Frank Capra = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Author's Note: This is my first Daria Christmas story since my last holiday story "Halloween Hellraiser." This story pays tribute to that classic Christmas movie of all time "It's a Wonderful Life." = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = ACT ONE: I WISH THAT I WERE NEVER BORN = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = (Scene opens outside the house of the Lane family as we hear the voice of Jane Lane.) JANE'S VOICE- God, please save Daria, before it's too late. (Cut to the Taylor house.) BRITTANY'S VOICE- Please help Daria, God. I need her to help me with my homework or Mr. DeMartino will call me a clueless ditz again. (Cut to the Landon house.) JODIE'S VOICE- Please save her, God, before she does something she won't forget for the rest of her life. (Cut to the Griffin house.) SANDI'S VOICE- Please save Quinn's cousin or something. (Cut to the Morgendorffer house.) QUINN'S VOICE- I don't care what you do, God, please help that loser sister of mine. HELEN'S VOICE- Who are you talking to, Quinn? QUINN'S VOICE- Nobody. (The camera rises up to the sky as the scene changes to what looks like outer space, but is really Heaven.) GOD- Not again. ANGEL- What is it, boss? GOD- It's another call about that Morgendorffer girl again. ANGEL- Quinn? GOD- The one with the glasses. ANGEL- Do you want me to send one of our best angel agents to scoop this out, boss? GOD- Send Clarence on this job. ANGEL- Clarence retired when he helped that George Bailey person. GOD- Who else is available? ANGEL- There's that rookie I've been telling you about. GOD- Is this rookie ready for the big time. ANGEL- She's good and ready, boss. GOD- Send her in. (Another star/angel enters.) ANGEL 2- You sent for me, sir? GOD- Alice, I'm sending to Earth on a mission. ALICE- I hope it isn't one of those save people from committing suicide jobs. GOD- You are to help a teenager from making the biggest mistake of her life. ALICE- What's her name? GOD- Daria Morgendoffer. ALICE- The Misery Chick? She's the one that got Tommy Sherman killed a year ago. That jerk Sherman should be roasting in Hell right now for what he did to Daria. GOD- You got a job to do, Alice. ALICE- I need more info on what my job is first. GOD- Daria Morgendorffer isn't like the other teens... ALICE- I know who she is; I just want to find out what her biggest mistake is. GOD- She wishes never to be born. ALICE- When did it all start? GOD- It all started the week before Christmas vacation in the town of Lawndale. Daria was eating breakfast with her family... (Scene ripple dissolves to the dining room of the Morgendoffer house where Daria and her family are eating breakfast.) JAKE- I can't wait till Christmas comes! HELEN- That's not until a week away, Jake. DARIA- Speaking of Christmas, when is Aunt Amy, Aunt Rita, and Grandma Barksdale and Morgendorffer are going to be here? HELEN- They should be here the time you girls have your two weeks of Christmas vacation. QUINN- Don't forget I'm playing Claire in the school's version of the Nutcracker Friday night. HELEN- Jake and I wouldn't miss it for the world, Quinn. DARIA- We're suppose to do the story of Christmas for the school play, not the Nutcracker. QUINN- Whose idea was it to do a play about someone giving birth on Christmas? DARIA- Mine, and it's about the birth of Jesus Christ, Quinn. QUINN- Ms. Li didn't want a short Christmas play, so she picked the Nutcracker instead. DARIA- She what? QUINN- She thought that the birth of Jesus play was done to death. Didn't you get the rewrites? DARIA- I was helping Bruce Willis save the world from terrorists again. JAKE- You where doing what with Bruce Willis? HELEN- Daria was being sarcastic again, Jake! DARIA- I'm going to school. JAKE- Don't you want me to drive your there, kiddo? You know with the snow and all. DARIA- I'll just walk there. (Daria leaves.) HELEN- There's something wrong with that girl of ours. I know what I'm getting Daria for Christmas. JAKE- What's that? HELEN- That super computer that she always wanted that has the built-in DVD player. JAKE- That cost an arm and a leg, Helen! How are you going to afford it? HELEN- I'll call my mother to buy the computer and ship it here the next day. You know that the Barksdales are the richest than the Lodges. JAKE- I thought it was the Trumps? (Scene changes to Daria and Jane at their lockers in Lawndale High School.) DARIA- You didn't tell me that Li changed the play? JANE- I didn't know that Sandi wanted to do the Nutcracker this year. DARIA- Sandi? JANE- She told Ms. Li that we should do the Nutcracker instead. DARIA- None of us took ballet lessons. I ought of give Sandi and Ms. Li a piece of my mind for changing my idea for the Christmas play, but violence is not the answer. JANE- What are going to do tomorrow night, Brain? DARIA- Nothing. JANE- What? DARIA- I'm going to let fate be my guide for my revenge. JANE- You're one sick puppy, Daria Morgendorffer. (Scene changes to Mr. DeMartino's classroom.) MR. DEMARTINO- I can't wait until you are GONE for the next two WEEKS of your CHRISTMAS VACATION where I can FINALLY write my NOVEL about my days in the WAR! BRITTANY- Are you going to the Christmas play this Friday, Mr. DeMartino? MR. DEMARTINO- And WASTE my time watching a bunch of IDIOTS in tights doing some STUPID play about a wooden puppet fighting MICKEY MOUSE? NO! (Ms. Li enters.) MS. LI- You're going to that play, Mr. DeMartino, even if I have to get Ms. Barch to bring you. MR. DEMARTINO- Bring that BATTLEAX! MS. LI- It's your funeral. (Cut to Ms. Barch's classroom.) MS. BARCH- (To herself.) I'll be ready for you, you pervert! (Scene changes to the school's auditorium where Ms. DeFoe, Quinn, the Fashion Club, and other students are on stage practicing for the play.) MS. DEFOE- I know that we had to change the play from the Nativity to the Nutcracker thanks to our beloved Principal's asking. I'm hoping that we can get a better audience to come see this one. (Daria and Jane enter.) MS. DEFOE- (Looks at Daria and Jane.) It looks like we're getting two more actors of our play. DARIA- Forget it. MS. DEFOE- I need a Mouse Queen for the flashback sequences. JANE- Who's playing the Mouse King? MS.DEFOE- Charles. DARIA- As in Upchuck. MS. DEFOE- Is that what you call him? DARIA AND JANE- It's Upchuck. SANDI- If you two aren't going to be in this play then leave. DARIA- Break a leg, Griffin. SANDI- Bite me, Morgendorffer. MS. DEFOE- Break it up, you two. DARIA- I don't want to be in this play anyway. (Daria leaves.) JANE- She gets this way at this time of the holiday. (Jane leaves.) (Cut to hallway.) JANE- Daria, what the heck is wrong with you today? You make the Grinch look like Mr. Burns. DARIA- It's just that I thought of the idea for the school to have the Nativity for a Christmas play, and Sandi and Ms. Li just screwed it up for me in the process. I wish I never were born. (A man enters carrying tools and wood.) MAN- Are those kids doing that play on stage? JANE- Yeah. MAN- They better get off it. JANE- Why? MAN- I'm suppose to fix that part of the stage that was eaten through by termites. I told Ms. Li about it a week ago. (Suddenly, we hear a huge crash coming from the auditorium.) MS. DEFOE'S VOICE- OH MY GOD! SANDI! (Daria, Jane, and the man ran inside.) (Cut to outside as we see Daria and various students watch Sandi being carried inside the ambulance van.) SANDI- I'll get you for this, Morgendorffer! DARIA- What did I do? (Scene changes to Daria and Jane walking home.) DARIA- What did I do to Sandi that got her so ticked? JANE- You told her to break a leg, remember? DARIA- It's theater talk for good luck. JANE- How's Quinn taking it? DARIA- Mad as hell. With the stage floor with a big hole in the middle, Ms. Li decided to cancel the play till next year. JANE- But you did get your revenge, right? DARIA- That's not how I wanted to be. I want it be like we do every week at this time. JANE- It looks like you lost the old Daria Morgendorffer Touch, Daria. DARIA- If one more thing happens to me, I'm going to quit being the anti-hero. JANE- And I'll quit being your loveable sidekick. DARIA- Cute, Lane. Real cute. (Scene changes to the Morgendorffer's dining room where the family is eating dinner.) HELEN- How was school today, girls? QUINN- Thanks to Daria, Sandi's in the hospital and the play had to be cancelled! DARIA- Don't blame me for this, I was doing my usual thing. QUINN- And what is that? DARIA- (Smirks.) Making your life a living Hell. (Phone rings.) HELEN- I'll get it. (Helen leaves to get the phone.) JAKE- Where's you Christmas Sprit, girls. DARIA- It left when Quinn was born. JAKE- Let's got to the hospital tomorrow to visit Sandi. QUINN- Great idea, Daddy. DARIA- Not me. JAKE- Why not, Daria? DARIA- I don't want to be the Misery Chick again. JAKE- The who? QUINN- It's a long story, Dad. (Helen returns with an angry look in her face.) HELEN- The nerve of that bitch! JAKE- Who was on the phone, Helen? HELEN- Linda Griffin wants me to pay for Sandi's hospital bill! JAKE- You're a lawyer, so sue her. HELEN- If I sue her, I can be sent to jail for fraud! DARIA- Mom in jail, this is a first. HELEN- And on Christmas of all days! (Sighs.) I might as well pawn Daria's present for the money. DARIA- What present? HELEN- I was going to give it to you on Christmas, but now I have to pawn it to pay Sandi's bill. DARIA- What is it? HELEN- It's that computer you've been wanting so badly for. DARIA- The one with the built-in DVD player? HELEN- That's the one. DARIA- My life totally sucks right now. I'm going out for a while. JAKE- The weatherman said there's going to be a blizzard in about an hour or so. DARIA- I'll be back by then. (Daria leaves.) (Scene changes to Daria walking in the snow.) DARIA- Damn Sandi, damn Ms. Li, and damn Mrs. Griffin for making my life a living Hell. (Just then, Daria discovers a bridge and decides to walk across it half way. She looks down at the icy river.) DARIA- I wish I were never born. (Suddenly, the bridge begins to break apart as Daria tries to run to the end of the bridge. She almost makes it, but falls into the river below.) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = END OF ACT ONE = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = ACT TWO: NO DARIA'S WORLD = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = (Scene opens with Daria waking up to an all white background.) DARIA- I'm I dead? VOICE- You're not dead, just not born. DARIA- What are you talking about? Who's there? (A teenage girl with long yellow-white hair wearing a light blue jean shirt and light blue jeans enters.) GIRL- I'm Alice, and I'm you guardian angel. DARIA- Guardian angel? Is this "Candid Camera?" ALICE- No, this is what the world looks like with you not born. DARIA- What? ALICE- You wished that you weren't born, so here it is. DARIA- Great. My life has been turned into a winter wonderland. ALICE- Do you want to see what your friends and family are like without you? DARIA- It better than staying and watching nothing but white all the time. ALICE- Who do you want to see first? DARIA- I might as see what Quinn and my parents think of life without me. ALICE- Ok. (Alice takes out a remote control and presses a button. The white background changes to the outside of the Morgendoffer's house.) ALICE- Let's go inside a meet the new Morgendoffers. DARIA- The new Morgendorffers? (Alice presses a button on her remote to change to the inside of the house.) DARIA- (Looking around to see no one around.) Where is everbody? ALICE- Here they come now. (We see Jake enters with his wife...Amy Barksdale.) DARIA- Aunt Amy is married to my father? ALICE- Amy was to marry Jim VanDresien after the Vietnam War, but was killed in the line of duty, so she married his best friend Jake. DARIA- What about Helen Barksdale? ALICE- We'll get to her later, but let's see what unfolds with Amy and Jake. (Cut to Jake and Amy eating breakfast.) JAKE- These are some of the best pancakes you ever made, honey. AMY- Thanks, dear. JAKE- Where are those two girls of ours? They're going to be late for school. AMY- Here they come now. (We see two familiar teenage girls coming down the stairs; one is Quinn and the other is...Sandi.) (Cut to Daria and Alice.) DARIA- Sandi is or would be Quinn's sister? ALICE- Quinn always call you her cousin when she's with the Fashion Club. DARIA- Good point. (Cut back to the Morgendoffer family.) QUINN- Mom, can I go on a date with Jamie tonight? AMY- No, Quinn. QUINN- Why not? Sandi gets to go on dates! AMY- You know that you can't go on your little dates on school nights, Quinn. DARIA'S VOICE- This is a first. SANDI- Told you, Quinn. AMY- That goes for you too, Sandi. SANDI- Dammit! JAKE- You're mother and I don't like that kind of language spoken in this house, young lady. AMY- You girls better get ready for school. (Quinn and Sandi leave.) AMY- Jake, I want you to be more gentle to the girls. JAKE- Did you look at Quinn and Sandi's grades? They both got C+ and D- on their report cards. If they just study instead of going out on those dumb dates, they could graduate by the year 2001. AMY- Give them a chance, Jake. JAKE- I'll do it for you, Amy. AMY- Thanks, Jake. (Cut to Daria and Alice.) DARIA- What happens now? ALICE- We go to Lawndale High School to see what your friends will be like without you. (Alice presses the button on her remote control as the scene changes to the hallways of Lawndale High School.) DARIA- The school still looks the same to me. ALICE- Here comes two of your friends now, Daria. (We see Jodie and Brittany walking pass Daria and Alice, but they look different; Brittany isn't wearing her cheerleader outfit, instead she's wearing a light red short sleeve shirt, black pants, and her pigtails are gone. As for Jodie, she's wearing the same clothes she always wears, but her hair is now has a long pigtail.) DARIA- What happened to them? ALICE- They're just going to join the rest of the Fashion Club. DARIA- Jodie and Brittany are now members of the Fashion Club? ALICE- The New Fashion Club. Sandi and Quinn kicked Tiffany and Stacy out of the club five months ago. DARIA- Where are Stacy and Tiffany now? (Alice shrugs.) (Bell rings.) ALICE- We better hurry up if we're going to make it to DeMartino's class on time. DARIA- I bet that he'll still be his old stress crazed self. ALICE- Think again. (Scene changes to Mr. DeMartino's classroom.) MR. DEMARTINO- Can ANYONE tell me what YEAR Christopher Columbus discovered AMERICA? (He turns to Kevin, who is not wearing his football uniform, but a black short sleeve shirt, white pants, and glasses.) KEVIN? KEVIN- That would be in 1492, Mr. DeMartino. MR. DEMARTINO- That's CORRECT, Kevin. (Cut to Daria and Alice who are standing behind a cute looking girl that looks very much like Andrea.) DARIA- Kevin with a brain? Now I've seen everything. ALICE- Kevin gave up sports so he can go to be like his hero, Stephen Hawkins. DARIA- Kevin's an idiot. ALICE- When you were around he was an idiot, but without you around, Kevin has become a brain. (Ms. Li enters but she has longer hair, she hasn't got her glasses on, and her principal clothes are now in a pink color.) DARIA- I see that Ms. Li had a change of clothes. ALICE- You haven't seen anything yet. (Cut to Ms. Li and Mr. DeMartino.) MS. LI- Mr. DeMartino, you've forgot your lunch again. MR. DEMARTINO- Sorry, honey. MS. LI- That's sorry, Mayor Li to you! (Ms. Li kisses Mr. DeMartino on the cheek and leaves. (The class stares at their teacher.) MR. DEMARTINO- WHAT are ALL you looking AT? Haven't you seen the MAYOR KISS me on the cheek BEFORE? (Cut back to Daria and Alice.) DARIA- Mr. DeMartino and Ms. Li are married? ALICE- They were married for five years, and Li ran for Mayor a year ago. DARIA- I haven't seen Jane anywhere in the school. Where is she? ALICE- That's where we're going now. (Alice presses a button on her remote control as the scene changes to the front room of the Lane home.) DARIA- Now what? (Summer and Penny Lane enter.) DARIA- Who are they? ALICE- Don't you remember them? DARIA- No. ALICE- They're Jane and Trent's sisters, Summer and Penny. DARIA- Jane told me about them, but I've never seen them before. What are they doing here anyway? ALICE- Don't you know why there wearing black all of a sudden? DARIA- I know that they aren't going into the Gothic style of life. (Amanda Lane enters also wearing black.) PENNY- Isn't Wind and Dad coming yet, Mom? AMANDA- They should be here in a few minutes. Summer can see what's keeping Jane? SUMMER- Yes, Mother. (Summer goes upstairs.) (Cut to Daria and Alice.) DARIA- What's going on here? ALICE- The Lanes are going to a funeral. DARIA- Who died? ALICE- You don't want to know. DARIA- Tell me. ALICE- It's Trent. DARIA- What? ALICE- He was shot while trying save a teacher during a school shooting. DARIA- (Begins to cry.) Oh God no! Not Trent! ALICE- I'm sorry, Daria. I'm so sorry. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = END OF ACT TWO = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = ACT THREE- BORN AGAIN = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = (Scene open inside a church as we see a lot of people attending the funeral of Trent Lane: The people are Jake, Amy, Quinn, Sandi, Kevin, Brittany, Jodie and her family, Ted Clinton DeWit, Upchuck, Mack, Ms. Li, Ms. Barch with her husband Mr. O'Neill, Mrs. Bennett, a wheelchair bound Ms. DeFoe, a pregnant Stacy Rowe, and the Lane family.) PASTOR- We are all gathered here today to say goodbye to a man who saved a life, but used his own life to save another one. We'll all remember Trent Lane not only a hero, but also a loving husband to his wife Stacy Rowe Lane. Does anyone have respects for Mr. Lane? (Cut to Daria and Alice who are sitting all the way in the back.) ALICE- We should go now. DARIA- But I want to hear what my friends have to say about Trent. ALICE- Trent's gone, Daria. But there is a way you can talk to them. DARIA- How? ALICE- We have to go forward in time to about an hour after the funeral back at the Lane house. DARIA- Let's do it. (Alice presses a button on her remote control as the scene changes a to an hour later at the Lane house as everyone is talking about Trent.) AMY- Trent was a nice boy, before the incident with the shooting. We're going to miss him, Amanda. AMANDA- Thanks for helping, Amy, but it's going to take awhile for us to regain ourselves after what happened to Trent, even Jane is heartbroken. (Daria walks up to Amy and Amanda.) DARIA- Is Jane around? AMANDA- Who are you? DARIA- I'm a friend of Trent who heard what happened to him, and I feel so sorry about it. AMANDA- Jane needs all the friends she needs with Trent dead and all. DARIA- Thanks. AMANDA- Jane is up in her room, maybe you can cheer her up. (Daria goes upstairs.) (Scene changes to Jane's room where Jane is painting a picture of Trent going up to Heaven.) (Knock on the door.) JANE- Who is it? DARIA'S VOICE- I'm one of Trent's friends. JANE- Door's open. (Daria enters.) JANE- I haven't you here before. DARIA- I'm one of his out-of-town friends from Highland. When Did Trent marry Stacy Rowe? JANE- When Stacy got kicked out of the Fashion Club, Trent felt so sorry for her, so he fell in love with her and got married. DARIA- What happened to Tiffany? JANE- The last time I saw her, she was working at Burger World with her boyfriend, Jesse. DARIA- Have you heard of a rock band called Mystik Spiral? JANE- Trent wanted to call his band Angels of Pain, but I never heard of Mystik Spiral. DARIA- You really miss Trent do you? JANE- (Beginning to cry.) I sure do miss that wacko brother of mine. (Jane hugs Daria.) DARIA- Let's go downstairs. JANE- Ok. DARIA- Are you going to be alright? JANE- Sure. DARIA- By the way, who's the name of the teacher Trent saved before he got shot? JANE- A Ms. Helen Barksdale from English class. (Scene changes to Daria sitting on the steps outside the Lane home.) DARIA- (Talking to herself.) Trent saved my mom, but took his own life to do it. Why did you do it, Trent? Why? (Alice enters.) ALICE- I've been looking all over for you. DARIA- I want to live. ALICE- What? DARIA- I said I want to live. I want to be born on this earth. ALICE- Do you really mean it? DARIA- Yes. (Alice smiles.) (Scene changes to Daria's bedroom where she is lying down on her bed. As Daria wakes up, she sees Jane and Trent sitting on chairs.) JANE- Guess who's awake. DARIA- Jane, Trent, what are you two doing in my room? JANE- Me and Trent found you lying in the snow, so we took you home. DARIA- But I fell into the river when the bridge fell apart. JANE- Bridge? I haven't seen any bridges in Lawndale before. DARIA- Let me tell you what happened.... (A few minutes later.) JANE- Let me get this straight, Sandi and Quinn are sisters, Kevin in now a brain, Stacy is pregnant, Brittany and Jodie are members of the Fashion Club, and Trent died while saving your mom's life? DARIA- Yeah. JANE- You are one sick puppy, Daria Morgendoffer. (Jane leaves.) TRENT- Did you really think I die for someone, Daria? DARIA- Would you save my life if someone were about to kill me, Trent? TRENT- Sure. DARIA- Thanks. (Jane, Helen, Jake, and Quinn enter.) JAKE- How's my little kiddo doing? DARIA- Fine, Dad. HELEN- Daria, I have some good news. DARIA- They finally cancelled "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" HELEN- Linda Griffin has dropped the charges, and blames Ms. Li for the entire thing from the start. DARIA- Do I still get the computer? HELEN- Since I already pawned it, I got you something better. (Helen gives Daria a package the size of a book.) QUINN- Mom, why are you giving Daria a present now? Christmas isn't until next week. HELEN- Quinn, your sister had a bad day, so give her some respect! DARIA- It better than you and Sandi being sisters. QUINN- What? DARIA- (Smirks.) Nothing. JANE- Open you present already. (Daria opens her present to see that it's a laptop computer.) DARIA- Thanks, Mom and Dad. Now I can start making my own web site. (Doorbell rings.) HELEN- I get it. (Helen leaves.) DARIA- When a bell rings, and angel gets their wings. JAKE- What was that all about? DARIA- It's something I heard from a movie I saw. (Helen returns with a girl that looks like Alice.) HELEN- I want you all to meet Alice. She moved next door just a few days ago. ALICE- Hi. DARIA- (To Alice) Have we met before? ALICE- (Winks her right eye at Daria.) Let's just say that I met you from out of the blue. HELEN- Maybe we should leave you two awhile to talk. (Helen, Jake, Quinn, Jane, and Trent leave.) DARIA- It's you isn't it? ALICE- Why do you say that? DARIA- You showed me what everyone in Lawndale would be like if I were never born. Was that a vision of things of what would happen or is it like an episode of "Sliders"? ALICE- That is for God to decide. DARIA- Did you get your wings, Alice? ALICE- I sure did, and I would like to thank you for getting them for me. DARIA- (Smiles.) Merry Christmas, Alice. ALICE- (Smiles.) Merry Christmas, Daria Morgendoffer. (The scene closes with the outside of the Morgendoffer house as it snows. The music in the background is Joy to the World as it plays throughout the credits.) THE END