daria

in

“Is Summer Over Already?”

NOTE: This is a fifth-season story, taking place in the 4-month gap between “Is It Fall Yet?” and “Fizz Ed”.

This story is best enjoyed by someone who is familiar with the events of the fourth season and the movie, as there are several references throughout the story. Actually, there are references to various episodes throughout the story – but none to other fanfics, even my own. I don’t footnote – you’ll have to figure out for yourself where the references are (I have complete confidence in the perception and intelligence of my readers).

It’s also much longer than my previous works, so get comfy before reading.

OPENING CREDITS AND TITLES

INT: PIZZA KING

Daria, Tom, and Jane are at Pizza King splitting a pie between them. Daria & Tom are on one side of the table, Jane on the other.

Tom: “Show your school spirit with the gift of urine”? Did she really say that?

Daria: Yup. You could hear the Fashion Club “Ew-ing” clear across the building. I was tempted to bring in a few buckets of pee, but I decided that might look too much like willingness to participate. Besides, where would I get it all on such short notice?

Tom: Now that Howard Hughes is dead.

Daria: Anyway, I look upon the start of senior year much the same way I look upon my birthday. It indicates that I’m one year closer to my death.

Tom: Always the silver lining.

Daria: So, Jane, how was your day? I didn’t see you much after DeMartino’s class.

Jane: Hmm? Oh, fine. (draws in a long breath) Listen, I gotta go.

Daria: We just got here. You haven’t even finished a slice.

Jane: Yeah, but I was planning a long run this afternoon. (she gets up) Don’t want to fill up too much.

Daria: Um, okay. See you tomorrow?

Jane: Sure. (she exits)

Daria: I wonder what that was about?

Tom: You know, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea, the three of us getting together like this. I mean, I know Jane said she was cool with it, but…

Daria: But, what?

Tom: I have to admit, it was pretty awkward for me too.

Daria: (sigh) This is going to take a lot of getting used to.

Tom: Look, let’s forget the movie tonight. Maybe you should go talk to Jane instead.

Daria: What am I supposed to say to her? “Hi Jane, I know I stole your boyfriend, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all get along!” God, I don’t know why I thought this was going to work out.

Tom: (a little angry) What do you mean by that?

Daria: Huh?

Tom: It’s just that we’ve both been through a lot for this, and I don’t think we should give up on it so fast.

Daria: No, Tom… look, that’s not what I meant. I want “you and me” to work out too, I told you that. I was just kind of hoping that I wouldn’t have to always divide my time between you and Jane. Both of you are really good friends to me, and I would hate it if we couldn’t even share a pizza together.

Tom: Oh. Sorry, I didn’t mean to jump on you like that.

Daria: It’s okay. I think this situation has us all on edge.

Tom: Look, Daria… I don’t want you to take this the wrong way. You really mean a lot to me, and I think we could really be great for each other. But, if it comes down to a choice between me and Jane… I’ll understand.

Daria: (looking down) Thanks, Tom. (she gets up to leave) I want to go home and think about this. I’ll call you later.

Tom: (a little down) No problem.

Daria starts to walk away, then goes back to Tom, gently turns his face toward her, and gives him a kiss. They both smile, and Daria leaves.

Across the street, Jane’s leaning unhappily on a lamppost. She sighs a bit when she sees the kiss, then jogs away.

EXT: Daria walking home.

Daria looks thoughtful as she walks along, various flashbacks running through her mind.

Daria: Me? Try to take Tom away from you? Are you crazy?

Jane: Okay, maybe not trying to steal him or anything, but what’s going on with you two?

Jane: Hey, what’s up? Talk to me.

Daria: I kissed your boyfriend.

Jane: What?

Daria: I kissed your boyfriend. I kissed Tom. I’m sorry!

Jane: Tom and I broke up.

Daria: What? Not because of me!

Jane: No, not because of you. So, I don’t care if you go out with him. It’s fine with me.

Daria: So, you don’t hate me?

Jane: Of course I hate you! You tell me you’re gonna stay away from him and five minutes later you’re making out in a car!

Daria: Are we still friends? …are we?!

Jane: Yeah, we’re the kind of friends who can’t stand the sight of each other.

Jane: Daria, I said, let it go.

Daria: I’m confused. What are we talking about here?

Jane: We’re talking about you, Daria Morgendorffer. You thought that a boyfriend was worth screwing up a really good friendship. A really important friendship.

Jane: You know, I think I really am over that now, as opposed to before when I just said I was over it.

Daria stops walking, not in front of her own house, but in front of Jane’s. She take a long look at it, then shrugs and continues home.

INT: MORGANDORFFER HOME

Jake’s sitting at the kitchen table when Daria walks in.

Jake: Hey, Kiddo! How was your first day back at school?

Daria: That was yesterday, Dad.

Jake: Oh. Well, how was today, then?

Daria: Not too bad. The explosion only took out the west wing. Fortunately, the casualty count remained within acceptable levels.

Jake: (freaks) Oh my God, are you all right?!

pause

Jake: (much calmer) That was a joke, wasn’t it?

Daria: You’re getting better at this, I’ll grant you that much.

Jake: Ha-ha! Good one, kiddo!

Daria: Thanks. I’m thinking of leaving school and going on the stand-up circuit.

pause

Daria: That was a joke too. But I’ll admit, it was hard to tell.

Jake: Thanks, Daria.

Daria: I’m going upstairs.

INT: DARIA’S ROOM

It’s twilight outside. Daria ties her shoes and get up to leave. When she opens the door, Jane’s standing there.

Daria: Eep!

Jane: You didn’t used to be that easy to startle.

Daria: What are you doing here?

Jane: Thought I’d save you the trip over to my place. Anyway, the Spiral is practicing tonight, so there’s no way we’d be able to get anything said.

Daria: What makes you think I was coming to see you?

Jane: Were you?

Daria: I asked you first.

Jane: Invite me in.

Daria: You’re just trying to render me powerless. It won’t work.

(Jane comes in, Daria closes the door. They face off in the middle of the room.)

Daria: Are you uncomfortable hanging out with me and Tom?

Jane: Okay, that worked.

Daria: What did?

Jane: Cutting right to the chase to throw me off guard. You have learned much, young one.

Daria: Okay, now answer the question.

Jane: (sits on the bed) Look, I know I said I was over it, and I meant it.

Daria: There’s a “but” in there somewhere.

Jane: Odd numbers just don’t work very well. I mean, when it was two of us, things were great. When Tom came along, that made three, and that made you uncomfortable, until the two of you started actually getting along, which made me uncomfortable. And now, with all this emotional baggage, we’re all uncomfortable.

Daria: I suppose the three of us don’t have to hang out.

Jane: Yeah, but that’s not fair to you. It sucks when your boyfriend and your best friend don’t get along, believe me.

Daria: There’s another load off my conscience.

Jane: Look, I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I think you feel bad enough about the whole thing without me making it worse.

Daria: I still feel like I owe you something.

Jane: (suddenly thoughtful) You know, that might just work.

Daria: Oh, no. Last time you got that look on your face, you turned the gymnasium into a really gruesome mural.

Jane: Don’t you see? The whole problem is the numbers. As long as there’s three of us, things will never work out.

Daria: Hm.

Jane: Unless we want to make some major changes to our lifestyles.

Daria: That Allison girl rubbed off on you, didn’t she?

Jane: Look, I know how we can ease the tension, get a workable group again, and soothe your conscience all in one go.

Daria: This ought to be good.

Jane: It’s simple: You need to find me a boyfriend.

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: Look. The facts of the matter are these. I had a boyfriend. You stole him. You owe me another one to make up for it.

Daria: You want me to match you up with someone?

Jane: Hey, we need to balance the books here. And once you’ve found him for me, we can go to Pizza King as a foursome instead. The even numbers are restored, you’ve atoned for your sins, and Tom gets to see me with someone else and kick himself for letting go of such a fine woman.

Daria: Let me make sure I understand the nature of this plan. You want me, the Misery Chick, to find you, the Tiger Lady, a boyfriend?

Jane: I’m offering a settlement. (smirks) You pay me the sum of one eligible bachelor, or we go to court. And you know that you don’t have a case.

Daria: Look, I don’t want to bring up unpleasant memories, but do you remember what happened last time you wanted me to help you with something that I was almost entirely unqualified to do?

Jane: Okay, so the hair striping thing was a mistake. This time it’s different.

Daria: How so? Except for this being a much bigger deal.

Jane: What’s the worst that can happen? You might set me up on a bad date. I’ve had enough of those to thicken my skin.

Daria: One more thing: Are you doing this because you really think it will help, or do you just want to watch me squirm?

Jane: A little of both, I admit.

Daria: Honesty. That’s what I needed to hear. All right, Lane, we have a deal.

Jane: All righty then.

Daria: Now get out. I’ve got work to do. Tomorrow at lunch, we meet on the roof.

Jane: Yes, ma’am. (turns to leave, singing) Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match…

Daria: Sing that again and the deal’s off.

Jane: Fair enough.

Jane leaves. Daria waits until she hears the door downstairs close, then picks up the phone and dials.

Daria: Tom? It’s me. You’ll never believe what I just got myself into.

EXT: LAWNDALE HIGH ROOF

Jane: Okay, amiga, let’s get me a guy!

Daria: First things first. I’ve prepared a little questionnaire for you. If we’re going to do this, we’re going to do it right.

Jane: Fire away. This is your project, I’m just the lab mouse.

Daria: First Question:

Jane: J-A-N-E L-A-N-E.

Daria: (glares) “What are you looking for in a relationship?”

Jane: Nookie.

Daria: Answers like that will get you a date with Upchuck.

Jane: This is me, taking you seriously. Um, let’s see… I’m looking for short-term, possibility for longer. Casual dates without serious planning. Time alone when I want it. No getting past first base for two-week minimum. After that, renegotiate.

Daria: Fine.

Jane: Oh, and he has to like my best friend, just not as much as my last boyfriend did.

Daria: Funny. Next Question: “My new boyfriend must not be a…”

Jane: Jerk. Moron. Football player.

Daria: Those are all the same thing.

Jane: Okay, let’s see here… I don’t want another rich boy. No joggers, I run alone. No cowboys. That’s all that comes to mind right off the top.

Daria: Got it. Now the good stuff: “The first physical attribute I notice about a guy is…”

Jane: Eyes. No question about it.

Daria: Any particular preferences?

Jane: Two.

Daria: Color, Jane.

Jane: Blue. The darker the better. Green works too.

Daria: “Second physical attribute is…”

Jane: Heiney.

Daria: How do you spell that?

Jane: B-U-T-T.

Daria: Good. Now: “My ideal first date is…”

Jane: Jet to a Hollywood premiere and reception with the stars. Five-star restaurant and ballroom dancing. Champagne on the beach at sunrise.

Daria: Second date?

Jane: Burger.

Daria: Seriously.

Jane: It’s really not that important. As long as it’s fun, that’s what matters.

Daria: Okay.

Jane: And if he spends an obscene amount of money on me, I won’t complain.

Daria: Moving right along: “My potential boyfriend likes to talk about…”

Jane: Art.

Daria: I typed that answer in last night.

Jane: Okay. Music. The pointlessness of life. Last night’s episode of “Sick, Sad World”. How breathtakingly gorgeous I am.

Daria: All right. (distant bell rings) We’ll pick this up after school. Pizza King. No Tom.

Jane: I feel like we’re making real progress here, don’t you?

INT: PIZZA KING

Jane and Daria sit in a booth with pizza.

Daria: Where were we?

Jane: Question thirty-seven.

Daria: Right. “Aside from –ahem– unauthorized kissing, if my boyfriend did this, I’d dump him on the spot.”

Jane: Hmm… One: Gave me a flower to apologize for doing something stupid. Two: Insulted my paintings. Three: Said that Quinn was cute. Four: Said that Trent was cute. Five: Revealed himself to be related to Upchuck in any way.

Daria: I still have nightmares about that one.

Jane: (shudders) Think of what might have been. Eww.

Daria: I think we need another slice before going on.

Jane: Works for me.

EXT: WALKING HOME

Jane: “The Matrix”, “Psycho”, and “Dr. Strangelove, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.”

Daria: Got it.

Jane: Oh, and “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”.

Daria: I’m writing that down, you know. Your fault if you end up with the pizza delivery kid.

Jane: You’d never catch him. He’s too afraid of us.

INT: JANE’S ROOM

Jane is painting while Daria sits on the bed. We see only the back of the canvas. Sick, Sad World is muted on the TV.

Daria: Last one: “My biggest turn-on is…”

Jane: Foot massage.

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: You never knew that? God, it’s the best. Especially after a long run.

Daria: Is Tom any good at it?

Jane: That, my dear, I leave you to find out for yourself.

Daria: Mm.

Jane: Just do yourself a favor, and don’t ask why when he stops rubbing for a moment. It’s about to get even better.

Daria: Enough info, thank you. Is that painting ready?

Jane: Almost… there. What do you think?

Daria walks over and has a look.

Daria: (little smile) Perfect.

INT: DARIA’S ROOM

Daria hangs up the painting Jane was working on, steps back, and photographs it several times with a digital camera. From her POV, we see that it’s a portrait of Jane herself, arms crossed, eyebrow raised, smirk. It’s quintessential Jane.

Daria plugs the camera into her computer and loads up the images. She selects one, pops it into a word document, and begins typing.

Tom: Hey, great picture.

Daria: Eep! (she turns to see Tom standing over her shoulder) Will you people stop doing that?

Tom: Doing what? I dropped by to see how things are going with Jane, and Quinn told me to come up here. Actually, she more sort of waved me up and went back to the phone.

Daria: Figures. Anyway, I thought it would be good to punch up something like a resume. Jane in a nutshell, that sort of thing.

Tom: Are you sure that’s the best way to go about this?

Daria: No. (she pulls her glasses off and rubs her eyes) Dammit, I’m no good at this sort of thing! Why is Jane doing this to me?

Tom: If you really want to know, my guess would be revenge.

Daria: Probably. She seemed pretty blasé about whether I’d actually succeed. She probably figures nothing will come of it, and just wants to watch me sweat for a while.

Tom: So, what’s the problem?

Daria: The problem is, I actually do want to succeed. She kind of had a point, you know, about me “owing” her. And, I do think things would be less awkward if she had a guy at the table when we got together.

Tom: You know, I have a few friends. Maybe we could set her up with one of them.

Daria: Here’s her list of requirements. Do they meet them?

Tom: Hmm… no.

Daria: They’re rich, right?

Tom: All except Harold, and he doesn’t have a very cute butt. So, what are you going to do?

Daria: Oh, I know what to do. I just shudder to think of the consequences.

INT: QUINN’S ROOM

Quinn’s on the phone.

Quinn: So anyway, I feel like I have a really good shot at Pepperhill now. And you know, it would really be great if there was someone there I already knew, you know, so we could pledge the good sororities together. So, I was thinking that –

Knock knock

Quinn: Hold on a moment, Stacy. (covers phone) Who is it? I’m on the phone here!

Daria: (from outside the door) It’s your cousin.

Quinn: (peevish) What do you want?

Daria: I need mumble…

Quinn: What?

Daria: I need your help with something!

Quinn: Stacy, I’ll call you back. (hangs up) Come in!

Daria opens the door, and she and Tom come in. She hasn’t bothered to put her glasses back.

Quinn: You talked her into giving the contacts another shot, didn’t you! Great! This time, let’s get you some colored ones.

Daria: (putting her glasses back on) It’s not the contacts, Quinn.

Tom: You wore contacts?

Daria: It was a dark, dismal chapter in my life.

Quinn: She looks so cute without her glasses.

Tom: With them, too.

Daria: I pray for death, and all I get is day after day of this miserable existence.

Quinn: If it’s not that, what is it?

Daria: It’s about Jane…

Quinn: (looks back and forth from Daria to Tom) You told her! Daria, what were you thinking?

Daria: Quinn…

Tom: Daria told Jane about us four months ago. It took some time, but she’s cool with it now.

Quinn: So, what’s the problem?

Daria: It’s like this. I’m trying to set up Jane with a new boyfriend, to try to make up for all this. But I can’t do it, because I don’t know any guys.

Quinn: Let me get this straight. You want me to find a boyfriend for your weird art friend?

Tom: Is she always like this?

Daria: She used to be worse. Jane was once my “loser art friend”.

Quinn: Hel-LO, I’m talking here. All right. What kind of guy is she looking for?

Daria: Here’s a list of qualifications.

Quinn: Good, you’re learning. (she reads down the list) What good is all this? How am I supposed to find a guy for her if she doesn’t even say what kind of car he should drive?

Daria: This was a mistake. A huge mistake. Let’s go, Tom.

Quinn: Hold on, it’s not totally hopeless. There’s some useful information here. (suddenly very businesslike) I believe I can help you. Let’s discuss payment.

Daria: I thought of that one. Here’s my deal. Do this for me, and you have one future claim.

Quinn: What’s that?

Daria: You’ll need something from me, eventually. Give me this favor and I give you one when the time comes, no questions asked.

Quinn: Hmmm… that idea does have merit…

Daria: Are we agreed?

Quinn: Yes. I think we can work together. (she pulls out her coral-pink organizer) Let’s get started.

INT: DARIA’S ROOM

Daria sits at her computer, Quinn stands reading from her organizer, Tom slouches on the bed watching what’s going on.

Daria: There, that’s the last of them. Every eligible boy in your planner entered into a categorized database.

Quinn: Try not to sound so geeky, Daria. Hey, can I get a printout of it, though? Anyway, what’s next?

Daria: We enter Jane’s information and try to get as many matches as we can. (she punches the enter key and sits back to wait)

Tom: How long?

Daria: With this wind-up computer? Who knows. Hopefully, this side of the apocalypse.

Quinn: Whatever. Daria, I’m going to bed. Let me know when you’ve got your list of hopefuls. (she leaves)

Tom: Daria, just so you know, I will never, ever leave you for your sister.

Daria: Comforting. –sigh– The problem is, I’m not sure how much help she was.

Tom: Why is that?

Daria: That was Quinn’s kind of list. It’s nice, long, detailed information – about who has a good car, and who has access to a private beach or a ski lodge, or how much a guy was willing to spend on her. The odds of finding real compatibility with Jane are slim at best. (sighs again) What have I gotten myself into?

Tom: I’ll help wherever I can. It’s just as much my fault that you’re stuck with this.

Daria: Thanks, Tom. Right now I just need some sleep.

Tom: That’s my cue to exit. (gives her a quick kiss, then leaves)

Daria leans back in her chair for a moment, contemplating the ceiling. Then she turns back to her computer and starts typing some more.

INT: LAWNDALE HIGH

Jane’s at her locker, unloading books. Daria shuffles up to hers and spins the dial around. She doesn’t look so good.

Jane: Wow, you don’t look so good. Rough night?

Daria: You might say that. (yawns)

Jane: Oh crap, I didn’t forget another test in DeMartino’s class, did I?

Daria: Huh?

Jane: You were up all night studying, right? Wait, when was the last time you had to study for a history test? (pause) You were up because of me, weren’t you?

Daria: Just getting a good start on our little project, that’s all.

Jane: Whoa, Daria, who said you had to do all this in one night? Look, maybe I’m being unfair to you. If this isn’t going to work out, we’ll think of something else.

Daria: No, that’s all right, I’m in too deep to back out now.

Jane: Look, don’t kill yourself over this. I’d have to console Tom, and God knows what kind of complications that could cause.

Daria shuffles off to class, while Jane looks a tad concerned.

EXT: ROOF

Daria and Jodie are by the vent. Daria has a stack of printouts.

Jodie: You know, we’re really not supposed to be up here.

Daria: Don’t worry, I checked the forecast. No hurricanes today. Look… I want to ask a, um, favor.

Jodie: (surprised) Name it!

Daria: Aren’t you going to ask for anything in return?

Jodie: (frowns a tiny bit) Just because I try to be friendly with everyone doesn’t mean I don’t know what an actual friend is, Daria. I’ll do a favor for you because I want to, not because I want some payback.

Daria: (a little embarrassed) Um, yeah. Thanks. Here’s the thing. You know how I, er, stole Jane’s boyfriend?

Jodie: Despite having been in a cave all summer, yes.

Daria: Well, we worked out this little arrangement whereby I have to find her another one to make up for it. So, I need some info on all the guys in school to try and match her up.

Jodie: All the guys in school? Why don’t you just ask your sister?

Daria: I already did.

Jodie: (impressed) Wow, this is really important to you, isn’t it? But what makes you think I have dossiers on all the eligible males? I’ve had the same boyfriend for the past three years.

Daria: The problem is, Quinn’s portfolio doesn’t include everyone – just everyone who Quinn finds desirable. I need info on the less popular crowd, too. So I came up with a little plan, but I need to pitch it to Ms. Li. And for that, I need someone on her good side.

Jodie: Unfortunately, I do meet that description. I’ll ask what the plan is, but first, could you tell me why I’m up here on the roof?

Daria: Cloak and Dagger.

Jodie: Real reason?

Daria: That is the real reason. Ms. Li hasn’t put the surveillance equipment up here yet.

INT: MS. LI’S OFFICE

Daria and Jodie sit in a pair of chairs with Ms. Li behind her desk.

Jodie: Essentially, my idea is this: We send around questionnaires to the entire student body, and they fill them out and send them in. Then, we set up a computer program that cross-references all the various forms, and we end up with something like a “compatibility list” showing which students match up best with students of the opposite gender. This could help students expand their social circle.

Ms. Li: (uninterested) I see.

Daria: Of course, we’d have to make sure all the forms were destroyed afterwards. It’s not a good idea to have all that personal information about, where it could get into someone’s file and later be used against them.

Ms. Li: (definitely interested) I see…

Jodie: (frowning sideways glance at Daria) And, with Homecoming just around the corner, it might help some students find dates for the dance, and increase ticket sales.

Ms. Li: Well, you girls seem to have thought this out very thoroughly, well done! I’ll get to work on the questionnaire right away!

Jodie: Actually, Ms. Li, we already have it prepared. (hands over a slim stack of papers)

Ms. Li: Mmm. Well, I’ll check this over for completeness, and then arrange for copies to be made. I see no reason why we couldn’t get started immediately! Thank you girls, that’s all.

Jodie and Daria leave. As soon as they’re gone, Ms. Li starts into the questionnaire.

Ms. Li: (to herself) Question one: Have you ever been convicted of a felony? If no, attach proof of innocence.

INT: Hallway

Daria and Jodie come out of Ms. Li’s office and walk down the hall.

Jodie: I think she would have gone for it without the subversive plot angle.

Daria: Just covering all the bases. Listen, thanks for your help. I know you’ve got a pretty full plate, I can do the rest on my own.

Jodie: Are you sure? What about getting all the forms distributed and picking them up again?

Daria: Already taken care of. I slipped a stack to each homeroom teacher this morning. I’ll pick them up tomorrow.

Jodie: What about Ms. Li’s version?

Daria: I’ll give her some convincing-sounding but totally meaningless answers. I’ve had a stack of those kind of answers prepared since I hit my teen years.

Jodie: And the computer database? Who’s going to program it?

Daria: That’s the part I’ve really been dreading.

EXT: BEHIND THE SCHOOL

Upchuck leans against the brick wall of the school, a lecherous grin on his face.

Upchuck: I must admit, when you told me to meet you back here, my heart leaped like never before. So tell me, fair one, why all the coy pretense, only to lead up to this?

Daria: Upchuck, don’t make this harder than it is. I need a favor from you.

Upchuck: I knew this day would come! I never dared to imagine it would be so soon!

Daria: (shaking her head) Why am I doing this? Look, let’s make this easy on ourselves. I’ll tell you what I want from you, then I’ll tell you what you can have in return. No negotiation. If you don’t like the terms, no deal. Got it?

Upchuck: Grrr… feis–

Daria: If you say “feisty” I will kick you in the scrotum. Twice. With steel-toed boots.

Upchuck: -gulp-

Daria: That’s better. Here’s the deal. You’ve probably seen the questionnaires going around. I need you to set up a computer program that can take the resulting data, cross-reference it, and produce a list of compatible male-female matches. Then, I need you to set up a similar program which will produce a more detailed compatibility list for one particular female. No, it’s not me. Finally, I need you to keep your mouth shut about the second part.

Upchuck: And my payment for this would be?

Daria: Do this for me, and you may set yourself up with high compatibility scores for anyone you want, excluding Jane and me.

Upchuck: Hmm… I don’t know…

Daria: Please?

Upchuck is startled to hear this.

Upchuck: What – what did you say?

Daria: God, don’t make me repeat it.

Upchuck: Oh, sweet one. That I might hear such a word cross those tender lips. (bows low) I will do this thing that you ask.

Daria: Thank you. (she walks off, a tired, resigned look on her face)

Upchuck leans back against the wall, places his hands over his heart, and sighs with contentment.

INT: A FAIRLY DECENT RESTAURANT

Tom and Daria are seated at a table, looking at menus. Daria looks tired, Tom looks concerned.

Tom: I hate to be a pest, but are you sure you’re up for being out tonight?

Daria: I’m fine, Tom. Being here with you is much less demanding than eating at home with my family, believe me.

Tom: As long as I remain the lesser of two evils.

Daria: I didn’t mean it like that.

Tom: Wow, you must be tired. Even your sense of sarcasm has betrayed you.

Daria: Sorry, Tom. I am pretty exhausted.

Tom: You’re pretty when you’re exhausted.

Daria: I do have a knife over here. A big, sharp one.

Tom: That’s the Daria I’ve been missing. It’s not fair for you to have to go through all this, you know.

Daria: The worst is over now. Once I’ve got the results from the questionnaire, it’s Jane’s turn to wish she’d never embarked on this whole thing. That’s when she gets to go on dates with the top ten.

Tom: That “Barf” guy you talk about isn’t going to be on the list, is he?

Daria: “Upchuck”. No, I spared her that. At a terrible cost.

Tom’s eyes get wide with shock.

Daria: Not that terrible.

Tom relaxes.

Tom: I hate to bring this up, but there’s something I’ve been thinking about.

Daria: What’s that?

Tom: Well, you’ve got a fairly comprehensive list now, but it’s only guys from Lawndale High. Jane’s been going there for three years now, and she’s probably already formed an opinion on most of them. A fairly negative one, if I might make a wild guess.

Daria: You had to burst my bubble, didn’t you? And just when I was feeling so happy and carefree.

Tom: There’s a simple answer. We just need to get some prospects from outside the hallowed halls of your institution.

Daria: I really don’t think I have the energy to spread this little questionnaire all over town.

Tom: Relax, you’ve done enough. I’ll take care of this part. It’s just a matter of checking the personal ads, narrowing it down to prospective dates for Jane, and making sure they’re not psychopaths.

Daria: You won’t be able to get the compatibility info.

Tom: Actually, I was thinking that it would be an interesting experiment to see whether the compatibility program is any better than my gut instinct.

Daria: How long to you think it’ll take you to do this?

Tom: Give me a few days. And during that time, you need to get some rest. Go have fun with Jane, read some depressing novels, take advantage of the fact that you have a boyfriend with a jacuzzi. You’re really going above and beyond here.

Daria: Well… okay.

Tom: Cool. Now let’s get some chicken wings, I’m starving.

MONTAGE

Tom sits in front of his computer (there’s a small color portrait of Daria, almost smiling, taped to the upper left corner of his monitor), surfing through internet ads. He stops, writes one down, then continues.

Daria and Jane are out for Pizza, chatting like always. At another table, Brittany smacks Kevin for one of his usual dumb remarks, and storms out. Daria and Jane both smirk at this.

Upchuck types furiously away at his machine. There’s a large black-and-white picture of Daria tacked to the wall just above, a picture that was obviously taken without her knowledge across a crowded Lawndale High hallway.

Tom sits surrounded by newspaper ads. He’s circling some with red pen.

Daria and Jodie sit at a large scanning machine, running forms through it. Daria stops the machine for a moment, pulls out one form, with Quinn’s name on it. Daria makes minor change, then puts it back. Jodie frowns, but lets it pass.

Tom talks on the phone, a stack of printouts in his lap, making notes.

Daria knocks at a door. Upchuck answers. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a compact disc, handing it to him. Upchuck makes a sweeping motion with his arm, inviting her in. Daria shakes her head and walks away, leaving Upchuck doing his growl and tiger-claw imitation.

Daria and Jane leave Lawndale High for the day. Jane puts on some headphones and jogs off. A moment later, Tom pulls up. Daria gets in his car and they drive away.

Daria knocks again at Upchuck’s door. Upchuck answers, hands her a large envelope. He then leans suavely against the doorframe and makes, presumably, an indecent proposal. Daria points back over her shoulder to where an angry-looking Tom stands by his car. Upchuck waves and grins nervously, then runs back into the house. Daria smiles at Tom, who smiles back and gives a thumbs-up.

END MONTAGE

INT: DARIA’S ROOM

Daria sits on her bed, papers surrounding her. Tom’s at her computer.

Daria: I have to admit, Upchuck did some good work here. Jane’s got about thirty matches. I should be able to eliminate a few based on personal experience, but that still leaves plenty to work with.

Tom: I was able to narrow my list down to four potentials. It wasn’t easy explaining to my mother why I was looking through the personals for single men. Do you think it would be all right if we kissed a little more often in front of her, just to set her mind at ease?

Daria: You know me. Willing to go above and beyond.

Tom: You wouldn’t believe some of the nutcases I talked to. Did you know that your history teacher’s looking for a soulmate?

Daria: That was more than I needed to know. I hope the people you ended up with are more compatible than that.

Tom: We’ll see. I’ve got a first-year law student, a musician, a photographer, and some guy from my school. He’s a grade below me, just moved in, so I never met him.

Daria: Tom, not to pass judgment, but Jane said she didn’t want to date a rich guy.

Tom: He’s on a full-ride scholarship. He’s one of the little people, not to worry.

Daria: Well, I guess all that remains is to narrow down the Lawndale list and set Jane up on some dates. I’ll pick the top four from here.

Tom: Out of curiosity, who was number one on the list?

Daria: (checks the list, and smiles) Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.

INT: O’NEILL’S CLASSROOM

Students are seated, O’Neill is “teaching”

O’Neill: Esteem. A teen. They don’t really rhyme, do they? The words don’t quite mesh.

Jane: (aside to Daria) Should we tell him he’s got the wrong class notes?

Daria: Nah. He’ll figure it out, eventually. Meanwhile, it’s easy to tune out.

Jane: I couldn’t help but notice that everyone in the school besides me has a list of compatible dates. Why is this?

Daria: Simple. I’ve got yours, and you don’t get to see it. I don’t want you eliminating every name on it before you even meet these guys.

Jane: What about your list?

Daria: You don’t really think I filled one out, do you?

Jane: (holding up a list) Then explain to me where this came from.

Daria: Prepare for doom, Lane. And while you’re at it, give me that!

Jane: Hold on there, firecracker. First of all, I just picked up the results; I didn’t fill it out. Second, if you look really closely at the name at the top of the questionnaire, you’ll notice that the “I” in “Daria” is dotted with a little heart.

Daria: Quinn.

Jane: That’s my guess.

O’Neill: So, Kevin: What are we talking about when we talk about “Ourselves”?

Kevin: Um… you’re talking about the teachers?

Daria: For a moment there, I thought Kevin might actually get that one right.

O’Neill: Wait a minute – Er, class? I seem to have the wrong notes…

Jane: Darn. I was looking forward to my eighth time through this course.

INT: CAFETERIA

Daria and Jane are at a table in the corner.

Daria: I spoke with the first guy on your Lawndale List, and he wants to meet you after school.

Jane: Who is it? – Never mind, I don’t want to know. Surprise me.

Daria: (voiceover) Oh, you’ll be surprised. (out loud) He suggested a sidewalk café off Dega Street, up at the north end.

Jane: Souper Sandwich. I know the place.

Kevin: (from across the cafeteria) But Babe, I don’t know why you’re not on the list! You’ve always been at the top of my list before!

Brittany: I don’t see my name there now! All I see is everyone else on the cheerleading squad! Just how many cheerleaders have you been seeing behind my back?

Kevin: Not all of them, I swear!

Brittany: And to top it off, I have to date Upchuck! Eewww!

Daria: That’s one. I wonder who else he picked?

Jane: What do you mean?

Daria: I’ll tell you later, when there’s no chance of my being overheard by any of his other victims.

Jane: Should someone tell Brittany that you don’t necessarily have to date the people on your list?

Daria: Nah. We could use a few sparks flying around here. Besides, I owe it to Upchuck to let him have his moment.

Jane: Who are you, and what have you done with Daria?

Daria: She sits before you. I figure that if Upchuck can make the most of this opportunity and actually succeed, more power to him. More likely, though, he’ll show his usual true colors and end up with a large dry-cleaning bill.

Jane: So, have you looked over your own results?

Daria: Based on Quinn’s responses to the quiz, my highest compatibility score was a 22 percent with Lloyd Gunther.

Jane: Who’s that?

Daria: Remember self-esteem class? “We’re talking about us”?

Jane: Ouch.

Daria: Not to worry. I actually consider it a real bonus not to be compatible with people at this school.

Jane: Did you do anything to Quinn?

Daria: Funny thing is, I took my revenge in advance. I changed a few key responses on her form.

Jane: Such as?

CUT TO – QUINN’S HOMEROOM

Quinn: Look, Sandi, I’m sure it’s some kind of mistake!

Sandi: Mistake? Look at these results, Quinn. How do you explain this list?

Quinn: I don’t know, Sandi!

Sandi: Well, I can tell you one thing: I don’t care if there’s a ninety-seven percent compatibility, I am not going out with you!

Quinn: Not so loud, Sandi!

Tiffany: (entering) Hey, Quinn… did you know you’re on my list? That’s so weird…

Quinn: Oh, the humanity…

CUT TO – CAFETERIA

Jane: You are evil, you know that?

Daria: (smirk) She should thank me. She’s probably the only female in the school outside the two of us who didn’t get Upchuck on her list.

EXT: SIDEWALK CAFE

It’s afternoon, presumably right after school. Jane sits at a table, Daria stands next to it.

Daria: Your first date should be here in about five minutes. You sure you don’t want to know who it is in advance?

Jane: I know who it’s not. It’s not Kevin, it’s not Upchuck, it’s not DeMartino. (shudders) I’m going to be up nights thinking about that.

Daria: Okay. Tom and I will be right inside. But, I don’t think you’ll need us for this one.

Jane: Now you’ve piqued my curiosity.

Daria: Just have fun. (exits)

Jane sits for a bit with her arms crossed. She crosses one leg over the other and bounces her foot a little. She riffles the sugar packets. In short, she fidgets for about two minutes.

Voice: Hi! You must be Jane!

Jane: (looking up) That’s me. (She suddenly looks very surprised)

Ted Dewitt-Clinton sits down across from her.

Ted: I’m Ted! I hope you like this place. It’s incredible what they do with potato skins here!

Jane: You were at the top of my list?

Ted: Yeah! And you were at the top of mine, too! Imagine that! Isn’t it great that Daria arranged this date for us? She’s pretty cool, huh?

Jane: (deadpan) Oh yeah. She’s the best.

INT: SIDEWALK CAFE

Tom and Daria sit at in indoor table with a view of Jane and Ted.

Tom: Let me get this straight: He’s the ex-boyfriend of yours that Jane told me about?

Daria: Not exactly. We went out on one date, and I’m not really even sure you could call it that. But, he’s the closest thing to an ex I have.

Tom: Irony. Do you think he and Jane will connect?

Daria: I know she won’t hate him. He’s too nice to hate. What’s really funny is the way he matched almost everything on her list, and yet I can’t imagine what they could possibly have in common.

Tom: Well, who knows? Maybe they’ll be a hit.

Tom looks outside to see Jane leaning her chin on one hand and yawning while Ted prattles on.

Tom: Or not.

EXT: SIDEWALK CAFE

Ted: And so, that’s why I think that de Goya’s later work didn’t show a Rembrandt influence as much as a Velazquez influence.

Jane: Uh-huh.

Ted: Daria said you’re an artist. What do you think of Francisco de Goya’s influence on the art world?

Jane: I don’t see that it matters. What matters is what he drew from creating it, and what others draw from seeing it.

Ted: Hmm… I never thought of it that way.

Jane: (looking more animated now) Well, then what’s it all about? Do you think good ol’ Frank cared how historians would see his work in the grand scheme of things when he painted some blind guy getting gored by a rabid bull? Or, isn’t it more likely that he was having a really bad day and wanted to get some of his anger out?

Ted: Umm…

Jane: Let me give you a good example. Say you’ve lived the sort of life that exposes you, through books and paintings, to an entire world that doesn’t exist anymore and probably never really did. Then you get your first taste of real life, and you find that all the Renaissance artists and Greek philosophers in history can’t compare to the taste of a cheddar-and-bacon potato skin. You start to see that however much you may have learned in a sheltered, protected environment, it absolutely pales in comparison to real experience. How does that make you feel? Tell me something, have you ever even kissed a girl?

Ted: What!?

INT: SIDEWALK CAFE

Daria and Tom, still seated. Daria’s got her back to Jane and Ted’s table outside.

Daria: I’m starting to have serious misgivings about this. I mean, Jane’s obviously having a lousy time.

Tom: I don’t know about that. She just stuck her tongue down his throat.

Daria: Ha.

(pause)

Daria: You’re serious, aren’t you?

Tom: Oh, yeah.

Faintly from outside, we hear Ted screaming. Doppler effect as he runs away.

Daria: Do I want to know?

Jane: (coming in from behind) I think I scared him.

Tom: Whatever gave you that idea? Besides the fact that he cleared a four-foot tall mailbox on the way out.

Jane: Hey, somebody had to do something. The kid’s messed up in the head, I tell you.

Daria: I’m sure he’s very grateful to you. Tell me, what would you have done if he’d kissed back?

Jane: Depends on whether he was any good at it. He’s not so bad, just needs a little encouragement in the wrong directions.

Daria: Unfortunately, I don’t think you’re likely to get a second date.

Jane: Well, we’ve still got some more names to go through. Let’s try one from Quinn’s list next. I’m in that kind of mood.

From a few tables away, there’s a sudden commotion. Brittany and Upchuck are dining together.

Brittany: You’re so gross! I can’t believe I let that computer talk me into going out with you!

Upchuck: Okay, you don’t have to bring the pom-poms, just wear the uniform!

Brittany throws an entire pitcher of ice water into Upchuck’s face.

Brittany: Take a cold shower, you jerk! (storms out)

Jane: Wow. Brittany said something mildly clever.

Daria: It’s another wild afternoon at the Souper Sandwich Café.

INT: QUINN’S ROOM

Jane is seated before Quinn’s lighted makeup mirror. Her hair is pulled back, and she’s wearing a smock. Her face is covered with some kind of putty. Quinn’s messing with beauty aids off to the side. Daria’s on Quinn’s bed.

Jane: I absolutely cannot believe I’m actually letting you do this.

Quinn: Come on, Jean, you can’t go to Chez Pierre looking like, you know, like you!

Daria: It’s Jane.

Jane: That’s all right, I’d rather pretend Jean were here in my place. Tell me again, Quinn, why is my face covered with goo?

Quinn: It’s exfoliator. Trust me, you needed it. Okay, we’re ready for the next step: Hair!

Jane: Daria, please save me.

Daria: As much as I have sympathy for your position, I need to go get ready myself. Have fun, Jean. (she exits)

Quinn: Okay, here’s what I was thinking: a little twist and tuck right here, to get rid of that mushroom shape.

Jane: Mushroom?

Quinn: Tell me, did you ever think of striping in some highlights?

Jane: Believe me, you really don’t want to go there.

Quinn: Whatever. Okay, I’ve got a plan for the hair. Now, turn around and shut your eyes.

Jane: I want to see what you’re doing.

Quinn: But you can’t! I mean, look at it this way. You do little paintings and stuff, right?

Jane: I’ve been known to dabble in watercolors a bit.

Quinn: So, would you really want someone you’re painting something for to see it before it was finished?

Jane: (sigh) Point taken. But remember, I’m not joining the fashion club here. Make sure I still look like me in the end, not a vacuous swimsuit-model wannabe.

Quinn: Like, we’d want you to join. And don’t worry about the swimsuit model thing, you don’t have the bust for it anyway.

Jane: Okay, I need another round of self-esteem class right about now.

Quinn: That, my dear Jane, is what makeovers are all about.

INT: DARIA’S ROOM

Daria opens her closet, sees two outfits just like the one she always wears, jeans, black t-shirt, and her bridesmaid dress. She sighs, and closes the closet again.

INT: QUINN’S ROOM

Jan is tilted back in her chair, Quinn applies makeup.

Jane: So, what’s this guy like, anyway?

Quinn: Ronny? Well, he’s sincere… he’s nice, and dependable, and…

Jane: You’ve never gone out with him, have you?

Quinn: No.

Jane: Probably just as well. I wouldn’t want one of your castoffs.

Quinn: I’d never wear a cast! They clash with everything!

INT: HELEN AND JAKE’S ROOM

Daria sneaks in, tiptoes over to the closet, and opens the door. She starts going through her mom’s dresses.

Daria: No… too old… too silky… what’s this?

Daria pulls out a very low-cut French Maid’s outfit.

Daria: (putting it back hastily) That was really more than I wanted to know. (she searches some more) Ah, here we go.

INT: QUINN’S ROOM

Jane’s still in the chair, Quinn’s applying finishing touches.

Quinn: Just about there… All right! Prepare to be stunned!

Quinn swings the chair around so Jane can look in the mirror.

Jane: Whoa! Who the hell is that?

Quinn: You don’t have to thank me, the work is rewarding enough. (quieter) That, and the fifty Daria gave me.

INT: DARIA’S ROOM

Daria is standing before a small mirror propped on her dresser, applying a thin layer of lipstick with obvious distaste. She’s wearing a basic black dress with no accessories, and her boots.

Quinn: Wow, you’re wearing makeup?

Daria: Eep! (turning on Quinn) What is it with you people sneaking up on me?

Quinn: God, Daria, don’t go all psycho on me. I just wanted to tell you that I’m done working on your weird art friend. (notices Daria’s dress) Where’d you get that from?

Daria: I’m not telling.

Quinn: Fine, just put it back when you’re done, or Mom will think I took it. Like I’d ever take anything from her closet. Tell me you’re not going to wear those boots with it, though.

Daria: Shouldn’t you be preening for a date at this point?

Quinn: Fashion club meeting tonight. We’re having a discussion on “Miracle Makeovers”. Fortunately, Jane didn’t see the camera.

Daria: Listen, Quinn, since I owe you one, I’ll tell you this: Check that tape before you show it. It’s liable to be switched with a documentary on the mating habits of baboons.

Quinn: Ewww! (runs out)

Jane: (from the doorway) Warthogs, actually.

Daria turns, and does a double-take when she sees Jane.

EXT: DARIA’S HOUSE

Tom steps up to the front door. He’s wearing a dark blue suit with a gray turtleneck. As he’s about to ring the bell, a car pulls up behind his. Ronny gets out. He’s wearing a suit and tie.

Tom: Hey, you’re Ronny? I’m Tom.

Ronny: Hey, Tom. (pause) So, do you know this Jane girl I’m taking out tonight?

Tom: Er… yeah, I know her a little.

Ronny: Quinn sounded kind of evasive on the phone about her. Just said she was this artist chick who hung out with her sister, or cousin, or something. (pause) Quinn’s not coming, is she?

Tom: Not a chance.

Ronny: Thank God for small favors.

Tom: Not that I blame you, but what have you got against Quinn?

Ronny: She’s shallow and manipulative, she’s materialistic, she’s whiny, and to top it all off, she wouldn’t go out with me!

Tom: That makes sense.

Tom goes for the doorbell again, but is distracted by a yellow convertible pulling up behind his.

Tom: This is the place to be tonight, I guess.

Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany get out of the car. Stacy is carrying a couple of large makeup cases.

Stacy: Hey guys, wait up!

Sandi: (to Tom and Ronny) I’m sorry, but Quinn can’t see you tonight. We have an important meeting. She didn’t have any business making a date as it is. We’re going to have to have a serious talk with her.

Tom: Actually –

Sandi: By the way, you don’t go to Lawndale, do you? I’m Sandi, President of the Fashion Club, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Perhaps under other circumstances the two of us could go out sometime.

Tom: You see –

Sandi: I’d give you my phone number, but why don’t you just ask Quinn for it? Come on, Stacy, stop wheezing! That is like, so unattractive!

Stacy: (gasp) Sorry, Sandi.

Tom: I’m not here to see Quinn.

Tiffany: Isn’t anyone home?

Tom: I haven’t rung the doorbell yet.

Sandi: Then why are we all standing out here? Wait, if you’re not here to see Quinn, what are you doing here?

Tom: I’m here for Daria.

Sandi: That’s funny, I thought you said you were here to see Daria.

Tom: I am. You’re really unpleasant, you know that?

Sandi: Why, you –

The door opens. It’s Quinn.

Quinn: Sandi! Tiffany! Stacy! Tom! Er…

Ronny: Ronny.

Quinn: Ronny, yes, of course. Come in, everyone!

Sandi: (shouldering past Tom) Excuse me.

Tom: You’re excused.

Quinn: Never mind him, he’s spent too much time around my cousin. Wait until you see this, guys! Daria! Jane! Come on down!

Daria appears first.

Daria: Hey, Tom.

Tom: Hey, Daria. You look great.

Sandi: Um, Quinn? She doesn’t look any different to me.

Quinn: Not her! (points) Her!

Everyone looks, and jaws drop around the room.

Jane appears at the top of the stairs. Quinn has truly done a remarkable job. Her hair is pulled back and tucked under itself in a roll, with a slim lock winding down her left cheek. Her eyes are shadowed perfectly, there’s a hint of blush, her lips a slightly brighter red than usual. Her dress is a long, sleek black-and red gown with a long slit up one side, and red heels. A silver necklace with a dark red stone and matching earrings finish her off. She looks ready to walk onto a runway.

Jane: Yo.

Daria: (to Tom) Quit staring.

Quinn: Can I cook, or can’t I?

Jane walks down the stairs, a little unsteady in the heels, but compensating well. She walks up to Ronny, who’s just short of drooling.

Jane: Hi. I’m Jane. We ready to go?

Ronny: Wow… I mean, yeah, sure!

Jane: Cool. Let’s motor. Oh, one second – Quinn?

Quinn: Yeah?

Jane: Can I talk to you?

Quinn: (a little uncertain) Um, sure.

They step aside.

Jane: (whispering) What the hell did you do to me? Everyone’s staring at me like I’m from outer space! Even Tom!

Quinn: Look, Jane, it’s just your first makeover! Everyone’s a little shy and uncertain the first time, but you’ll get over it! Just make sure it’s a memorable experience, and don’t worry if it’s not all you expected. It only gets better from here.

Jane: Are we talking about the same thing?

INT: CHEZ PIERRE

The party arrives. Jane looks a bit uncomfortable. Tom is holding Daria’s hand, seemingly trying to compensate for his reaction to Jane. Ronny’s looking at Jane with puppy-dog eyes. Daria looks like Daria.

Maitre’d: (heavy French accent) Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. Do you have a reservation?

Tom: Oui, Monsier, un reservation pour quatre a huit heurs.

Maitre’d: Pardon?

Daria: Party of four, eight o’clock. Name, Tom Sloane.

Maitre’d: Ah, yes. Right this way.

Jane: (to Tom) Show-off.

Tom: I just like to deflate these guys a little.

Maitre’d Right here, ladies and gentlemen.

Ronny: (running ahead and pulling out a chair) Um, here you go, Jane.

Jane: Gee, thanks. I don’t think I could have lifted that big, heavy chair all by myself.

Ronny: I could recommend something really good from the menu, if you want.

Jane: Do they have cheese fries?

Daria: Right there, under Frites des Fromage.

Ronny: Where?

Tom: Never mind.

Ronny: Hey Jane, if you really want cheese fries, I’ll get them for you.

Jane: Er… that’s okay, Ronny. I’ll just get something else.

Ronny: Sure, Jane. Whatever you want.

Jane: Um… yeah.

a short while later…

Drinks have been served to the whole party. Jane sips hers and frowns a bit.

Jane: Hm. This Coke tastes weird.

Ronny: Let me get you a new Coke!

Jane: They have people to do that, Ronny. They’re called waiters.

Ronny: I’ll get a waiter, then. (he stands up, accidently bumping the table and spilling a glass of water into Jane’s lap).

Jane: I’m just not having much luck with liquids tonight.

Ronny: I’m sorry, Jane! Here, let me help you with that.

Jane: No, Ronny, that’s fine, really. I’ll just go powder my nose. Daria, wanna come with?

Daria: Excuse me?

Jane: Daria, come to the restroom with me. It’s what girls do, remember?

Daria: Sure, Jane. We’ll be back in a jiff.

INT: RESTROOM

Jane stops in front of the mirror and leans heavily on the counter.

Daria: So, Jane, tell me why you’ve broken our unwritten rule and invited me to the bathroom.

Jane: This is a nightmare. What the hell am I doing? I get all dolled up like it’s my wedding or something; we’re in a restaurant I swore I’d never set foot in; my date keeps treating me like Quinn or something, when he’s not undressing me with his eyes; and your date keeps staring at you like he can’t look in my direction for fear he’ll actually like what he sees.

Daria: Hey, look. Little mints.

Jane: I’m serious, Daria. I can’t continue this date like this. We need to get out of this restaurant, I need to go somewhere where I can act more…

Daria: Barbaric?

Jane: Precisely. Besides, I hate myself in a formal dress.

Daria: And everyone else too.

Jane: Huh?

Daria: Never mind. I’ll tell you what. You take a few minutes to decompose yourself. I’ll take care of everything.

Jane: Thanks for being the unflappable one for tonight.

Daria: What are freakin’ friends for?

INT: DINING ROOM

Tom and Ronny are sitting, waiting for Daria and Jane to reappear.

Ronny: Am I doing something wrong?

Tom: Can you be more specific?

Ronny: I don’t know, she just seems so uncomfortable. Is it me?

Tom: I hope so. Please don’t ask me to explain that.

Ronny: So, what do I do?

Tom: If you want to know what will make Jane happy, what makes her tick, how to show her a good time…

Ronny: Yeah?

Tom: Believe me, you are asking the wrong guy.

Ronny: Oh.

Tom: But I’ll give you three things to keep firmly in mind: One, don’t pull her chair out for her. Two, try not to stare at her legs so much on the first date. Three, don’t take it personally when either she or Daria comes back and ask to leave and go for pizza instead.

Ronny: But we just got here.

Tom: I’ll bet my car that we’re leaving within five minutes.

Ronny: Having seen your car, I’ll put up a fiver.

Tom: I think I can make change for that.

Daria: (approaching from behind) Listen guys, would it be all right if we went somewhere else? Jane’s, um, allergic to capers.

Tom: You know, I was just thinking that the bread doesn’t look very fresh. I think we need to move on.

Ronny: Where’s Jane?

Daria: Oh, she needed some fresh air. She said she’d meet us outside.

Ronny: I should go give her my coat. She might be cold.

Daria and Tom roll their eyes.

EXT: OUTSIDE CHEZ PIERRE

Tom, Ronny, and Daria all leave the restaurant, and stop short when they see Jane standing there. She’s shaken her hair loose, replaced the earrings with her usual three rings in each ear, and applied her usual blood red lipstick. The overall look is even more enticing than her previous ensemble.

Jane: Let’s go find someplace fun.

INT: DANCE CLUB

The place is fairly well packed. Off in the corner, the foursome is finding a table. On stage, an all-girl band is wailing “When Worlds Collide”. The banner says “Monique and the Harpies”.

Daria: (shouting to be heard) That’s funny. She said she was going to start her own band.

Jane: (also shouting) She did. Then the Harpies failed, and she took the name back. Let’s get some carbos, I’m starved.

Ronny: I think we’re a little overdressed.

Jane: Relax, kid. Fashion isn’t as important as some would have you believe. (whistles piercingly) Yo, waiter! A little service!

Daria: I’d have paid money to see her do that at Chez Pierre.

Time passes…

Jane: Anyway, it suddenly hit me that her idea of how to end the evening was very, very different from mine. I probably turned about three shades of pink when I realized what she was getting at.

Ronny: Whoa. So, what happened?

Daria: (to Tom) He sounds almost hopeful.

Tom: Quiet, I want to know what happened too.

Jane: I basically showed her the door. The next day, I discovered that she went straight from my place to our beloved mentor’s bed, where she presumably spent the evening trying out new positions.

Daria: You know, you never told me what happened after that. I can’t believe you left it there.

Jane: That’s another story. So, Ronny, what did you do this summer?

Ronny: Uh… I worked at K-mart, actually.

Jane: Oh.

The conversation halts.

Ronny: I did see someone get nailed for shoplifting, though.

Daria: Really? Tell us about it, please.

EXT: JANE’S HOUSE

Ronny is dropping Jane off. They stay in the car for a moment.

Ronny: So, I guess this is goodnight.

Jane: Yeah. I had a decent time. Sorry things didn’t go just like you planned.

Ronny: Oh, well. Listen Jane… I’m getting the impression that I’m not the guy you’re looking for.

Jane: To be honest, no.

Ronny: That’s all right. I don’t think I could keep up with you anyway. I feel like we’ve already been on six dates tonight.

Jane: Hey, look on the bright side. At least this didn’t cost you dinner at Chez Pierre.

Ronny: There is that.

Jane gets out.

Jane: Take it easy, kid.

INT: TOM’S CAR

Tom’s dropping Daria off.

Daria: Well, at least that was a slightly less spectacular failure than the last one.

Tom: Hey, that’s only two down. It might still work.

Daria: I know. And you know what else? Jane was right. Throw in a fourth person, even if he’s a flake, and things work out much better.

Tom: So we’re not doing this for nothing, then.

Daria: Thank God for small favors. Let’s try one off your list next.

Tom: Sure. I’ll set it all up. Can I walk you in?

Daria: Nah. Someone might be watching the front porch. (she leans over and kisses Tom with gusto) It’s better this way, don’t you think?

Tom: Let me check. (he kisses her with equal enthusiasm) Yeah, this works for me.

Daria: Well, goodnight. (she leaves. Tom’s obviously a bit disappointed that she didn’t stick around a bit longer. He turns some light music on the radio and drives off.)

INT: DARIA’S ROOM

Jane and Daria are watching their favorite show.

TV: He choked down fifty-seven plates of fish and chips in one sitting – and went back for more! The Lord of the Fries, next, on SickSadWorld!

Jane: So, who’s the next lucky fellow to win a date with Jane?

Daria: Tom’s setting this one up. Tonight at the Zen, eight o’clock.

Jane: Well, you guys don’t have to chaperone then. Spiral’s playing tonight.

Daria: Ouch. I hope they don’t scare him away. Tom said he’s a musician.

Jane: Relax. He probably won’t recognize Mystik Spiral as music. By the way, can I see the ad he placed?

Daria: I thought you might want a little more advance warning this time. Here it is.

Jane: Hmm… Single White Male musician seeks artistic, outgoing woman for inspiration. That’s it? I don’t know, I’m not that outgoing.

Daria: Ted Dewitt-Clinton might disagree with that.

Jane: He needed it, I tell you. He’ll thank me for it someday.

Daria: Just try to get five minutes into your next date without giving him French lessons.

Jane: Fine. God, I hope this works soon. It’s been months since I had a decent foot massage.

Daria: Why don’t you ask Trent to do it?

Jane: Why don’t you kiss your sister?

Daria: (shudders) Ew. Point taken.

INT: THE ZEN

Trent and Jesse are on stage, setting up the equipment. The place isn’t crowded yet, but there are a few early arrivals. Jane enters and approaches the stage.

Jane: Yo, Trent!

Trent: Hey, Janey. What’s going on?

Jane: I’m meeting someone here. Daria and Tom set it up.

Trent: Blind date, huh? Cool. Where is he?

Jane: I just got here, I don’t know. He’s a musician.

Trent: Ouch. Musicians are bad news, Janey. Watch yourself around this guy.

Jane: Trent, you’re a musician.

Trent: That’s why I know so much about them. Just sit where we can see you from the stage, okay?

Jane: All right, if it’ll make you feel better. But don’t scare him away, all right?

Jane goes over to the bar and flags down the bartender.

Jane: Yo, barkeep!

Bartender: You need something?

Jane: I’m looking for someone. Supposed to meet him here. His name is (she pulls a paper out of her pocket) Maximillian.

Max: (standing next to her, turns around) Jane?

Jane: Hey, Max. (pause) Oh God. Don’t tell me…

Max: Wait a second. You’re “Jane”?

Jane: If you’re Maximillian.

Max: Whoa.

Jane: Okay, this is awkward.

Max: Look, Jane, umm… are you sure Trent’s okay with this?

Jane: Max, sit down. We need to clear a few things up..

Max: Sure. Er, should I buy you a drink?

They go sit down.

Time passes while Jane clears a few things up.

Jane: So anyway, that’s the whole story. Daria and Tom are trying to find me a boyfriend, and Tom didn’t know I already knew you.

Max: That’s cool, I guess. (seems a little down)

Jane: Look, Max, I’m sure you’ll find someone. Someday. Well, mostly sure.

Max: Yeah. (raises an eyebrow) Say, Jane, I just had a thought…

Jane: Hold that thought. It would just be too weird, Max.

Max: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Besides, I know you only have eyes for Jesse.

Jane: Where the hell did you get that idea from? Never mind, I don’t think I want to know. Look, the band’s ready to start. Go up there and drum something. I’ll stay and watch, and applaud just for you. It’ll be kind of like a date.

Max: (brightens) Really? Thanks, Janey!

Jane: Trent calls me that. You do not.

Max: (sheepish) Yes, ma’am.

BEGIN MONTAGE

Jane’s at a restaurant with some guy. He’s trying to amuse her by folding napkins into various shapes. Jane looks over at Daria, across the restaurant, and makes a slashing motion. Daria crosses a name off her list.

Jane and her next date are at the theater, watching a play. Everyone stands up and applauds at one point, whereupon Jane takes off her headphones and joins in. She settles back in with the headphones before everyone else sits down.

Out jogging with her next date, Jane doesn’t notice when he collapses and falls to all fours, completely out of breath. When she does look back, she just shrugs and runs on ahead.

Jane’s at the Zen with another date. He’s talking to her, she’s not really that interested. When he leans forward and whisperes in her ear, her eyes go wide, then angry. Without a word, she pours the entire contents of a beer pitcher into his lap and walks off. The guy starts to go after her, but finds himself face to face with the members of Mystik Spiral. Jesse cracks his knuckles a few times. Sheepishly, the guy sits back down.

Overlooking the beach at sunset, Jane paints the landscape while the guy next to her shoots photographs. He pauses for a moment to looks at her canvas. Shaking his head, he points to various features of the landscape and then at her canvas. The look of disapproval on his face turns to mild surprise when Jane paints a bright red stripe down his nose, then returns to her work.

A guy drops Jane off at her house. She gets out of the car even as he leans over for what he thought would be a goodnight kiss, only to plant his face on the passenger seat. Jane doesn’t even look back.

END MONTAGE

INT: PIZZA KING

Tom and Daria are sitting together. Daria looks depressed.

Daria: After all that, we’re right back where we started.

Tom: Look, Daria, we did our best. Jane knows it’s not your fault. She’s just not someone who can meet someone else that way. Jane needs to do things more spontaneously, and a blind date just isn’t good for that.

Daria: I don’t know why I ever thought this would work. No, that’s not true. I knew it wouldn’t work from the start. I don’t know why I thought that wouldn’t matter in the end.

Tom: Call me crazy, but I think you might have had a brief bout with Optimism.

Daria: You never think it’ll happen to you. It’s always someone else.

Jane: (entering) Hola, friends. What’s up?

Daria: You seem happy. What’s wrong?

Jane: Nothing. I just thought I’d join you for pizza.

Daria: Jane, you don’t have to pretend everything’s all right. That’s worse than genuine awkwardness.

Jane: Who’s pretending? I found a fourth for our group.

Tom: Really? Where is he?

Jane: Right here.

(Trent walks in)

Trent: Hey, Tom. Hey, Daria.

Daria: Trent?

Tom: Trent?

Jane: Trent. Come on, it’s perfect. He gets along with all three of us, he likes pizza, and he has a car so we can split up afterward if we want to.

Trent: Besides, getting up by three o’clock every day will be good for me. I’ve been sleeping a little too much lately.

Daria: I have no idea what to say to that. There are just so many possible responses.

Trent: (laughs, coughs) That’s funny, Daria.

Jane: See? This is great. And, there’s no danger that he’ll decide he wants to be someone else’s brother.

Tom: (shifts uncomfortably) Umm…

Jane: Oh Tom, you big lug, get over here.

Tom stands up and walks over to Jane, who hugs him.

Jane: Just to show that any hard feelings are in the past.

Tom: Thanks, Jane.

Jane: (whispers in his ear) Don’t you dare break her heart. (breaks hug) All right, who’s for pizza?

The foursome sits down. Conversation goes on.

INT: DARIA’S LIVING ROOM

Tom and Daria sit on the couch, watching TV.

Daria: You know, I think this might actually work out.

Tom: There’s that optimism again. You really should have that looked at.

Daria: Oh, I’m under no illusions that everything is now peachy keen. Trent’s not the ideal solution, and Jane’s still a little tense, even though she said all was forgiven. But it’s better than before.

Tom: Speaking of tense, you look stiff as a board.

Daria: I know. After all this, I kind of find it hard to relax.

Tom: I have a great way for you to relax. Here, take off your shoes.

Daria: (blushes) Um, okay

Tom: Let me just get your feet in my lap…

Close up on Daria’s face – she’s still blushing, and looks a bit nervous. After a moment, she smiles, closes her eyes, and sinks back onto the arm of the sofa.

Daria: Mmmmmmmmmmm… (voiceover) Jane, you are sooo right…

ROLL END CREDITS AND ALTER EGOS

End Notes:

As usual, I’ll keep these as brief as I can.

Since there are those who don’t like to read through end notes, I’ll put this information here:

Comments, questions, scathing reviews? Dare I say it, fan art based on this story? (I can’t draw) Contact me here: mailto:MikeYamiolkoski@cs.com

Among his many eccentricities, Howard Hughes collected his own urine and saved it in jars.

“Santa Claus Conquers the Martians” is a real movie, and an astonishingly bad one. The most significant thing about it is that it’s Pia Zadora’s big-screen debut.

Incidentally, I know perfectly well that the Pizza Delivery Kid’s name is “Artie”. I just don’t think Daria and Jane would bother to commit his name to memory.

Although Ted has seen Jane before in “The New Kid” they were never actually introduced. And, he can’t know her that well, if he saw Daria and Tom during “I Loathe a Parade” and assumed they were a couple. I set them up together because, having done a little mini-version of the compatibility test with the known Lawndale characters, I determined that they really were the closest match as far as interests go. Scary, isn’t it?

I did some minimal research on Francisco de Goya. He does indeed have a painting called “Blind Man being Tossed by Bull” and was influenced by Rembrandt and Velazquez.

I ended up quoting a lot more lines in previous episodes than originally planned – there just seemed to be so many situations that reminded me of something that went before. Once again, I’m not going to footnote them, but I will list some of the episodes that were referred to:

“Is It Fall Yet?” (obviously)

“Dye, Dye my Darling”

“Daria Dance Party”

“The Lawndale Files”

“Through a Lens, Darkly”

“Daria!”

“Esteemsters”

“The New Kid”

“Pinch Sitter”

“Pierce Me”

And, I promised no references to other fanfics, but there is one very subtle one. For the rest of the story regarding Allison at the Art Colony, check out “Seeing Things Through” by Renfeld. It’s a good read.

Thanks to:

My wife Rachel, who read the first draft and sent it back dripping in blood.

The webmasters who posted this story – whomever they are.

All the people at MTV who made Daria possible.

Disclaimer: Daria, et. al., are not my creations. They belong to MTV. I’m just borrowing them for a bit.

This story, with its words chosen exactly so and put together in the proper order, is my creation, © 2001 by Mike Yamiolkoski, and may only be distributed in its entirety with the above information, name of the author, and E-mail address of the author intact.