ďIs Summer Over Already?Ē
NOTE:† This is a fifth-season story, taking place in the 4-month gap between ďIs It Fall Yet?Ē and ďFizz EdĒ.
This story is best enjoyed by someone who is familiar with the events of the fourth season and the movie, as there are several references throughout the story.† Actually, there are references to various episodes throughout the story Ė but none to other fanfics, even my own.† I donít footnote Ė youíll have to figure out for yourself where the references are (I have complete confidence in the perception and intelligence of my readers).
Itís also much longer than my previous works, so get comfy before reading.
OPENING CREDITS AND TITLES
INT:† PIZZA KING
Daria, Tom, and Jane are at Pizza King splitting a pie between them.† Daria & Tom are on one side of the table, Jane on the other.
Tom:††††† ďShow your school spirit with the gift of urineĒ?† Did she really say that?
Daria:††††† Yup.† You could hear the Fashion Club ďEw-ingĒ clear across the building.† I was tempted to bring in a few buckets of pee, but I decided that might look too much like willingness to participate.† Besides, where would I get it all on such short notice?
Tom:††††† Now that Howard Hughes is dead.
Daria:††††† Anyway, I look upon the start of senior year much the same way I look upon my birthday.† It indicates that Iím one year closer to my death.
Tom:††††† Always the silver lining.
Daria:†††††††† So, Jane, how was your day?† I didnít see you much after DeMartinoís class.
Jane:††††† Hmm?† Oh, fine.† (draws in a long breath) Listen, I gotta go.
Daria:†††††††† We just got here.† You havenít even finished a slice.
Jane:††††† Yeah, but I was planning a long run this afternoon.† (she gets up) Donít want to fill up too much.
Daria:††††† Um, okay.† See you tomorrow?
Jane:††††† Sure.† (she exits)
Daria:†††††††† I wonder what that was about?
Tom:††††† You know, maybe it wasnít such a good idea, the three of us getting together like this.† I mean, I know Jane said she was cool with it, butÖ
Daria:††††† But, what?
Tom:††††††††† I have to admit, it was pretty awkward for me too.
Daria:††††† (sigh) This is going to take a lot of getting used to.
Tom:††††† Look, letís forget the movie tonight.† Maybe you should go talk to Jane instead.
Daria:††††† What am I supposed to say to her?† ďHi Jane, I know I stole your boyfriend, but that doesnít mean we canít all get along!Ē† God, I donít know why I thought this was going to work out.
Tom:††††††††† (a little angry)† What do you mean by that?
Tom:††††††††† Itís just that weíve both been through a lot for this, and I donít think we should give up on it so fast.
Daria:†††††††† No, TomÖ look, thatís not what I meant.† I want ďyou and meĒ to work out too, I told you that.† I was just kind of hoping that I wouldnít have to always divide my time between you and Jane.† Both of you are really good friends to me, and I would hate it if we couldnít even share a pizza together.
Tom:††††††††† Oh.† Sorry, I didnít mean to jump on you like that.
Daria:†††††††† Itís okay.† I think this situation has us all on edge.
Tom:††††† Look, DariaÖ I donít want you to take this the wrong way.† You really mean a lot to me, and I think we could really be great for each other.† But, if it comes down to a choice between me and JaneÖ Iíll understand.
Daria:††††† (looking down) Thanks, Tom.† (she gets up to leave)† I want to go home and think about this.† Iíll call you later.
Tom:††††††††† (a little down) No problem.
††††††††††††††††† Daria starts to walk away, then goes back to Tom, gently turns his face toward her, and gives him a kiss.† They both smile, and Daria leaves.
††††††††††††††††† Across the street, Janeís leaning unhappily on a lamppost.† She sighs a bit when she sees the kiss, then jogs away.
EXT:† Daria walking home.
Daria looks thoughtful as she walks along, various flashbacks running through her mind.
Daria:††††† Me?† Try to take Tom away from you?† Are you crazy?
Jane:††††† Okay, maybe not trying to steal him or anything, but whatís going on with you two?
Jane:††††† Hey, whatís up?† Talk to me.
Daria:†††††† I kissed your boyfriend.
Daria:†††††† I kissed your boyfriend.† I kissed Tom.† Iím sorry!
Jane:††††† Tom and I broke up.
Daria:††††† What?† Not because of me!
Jane:†††††††† No, not because of you.† So, I donít care if you go out with him.† Itís fine with me.
Daria:†††††† So, you donít hate me?
Jane:†††††††† Of course I hate you!† You tell me youíre gonna stay away from him and five minutes later youíre making out in a car!
Daria:††††† Are we still friends?† Öare we?!
Jane:††††† Yeah, weíre the kind of friends who canít stand the sight of each other.
Jane:††††† Daria, I said, let it go.
Daria:†††††† Iím confused.† What are we talking about here?
Jane:††††† Weíre talking about you, Daria Morgendorffer.† You thought that a boyfriend was worth screwing up a really good friendship.† A really important friendship.
Jane:††††† You know, I think I really am over that now, as opposed to before when I just said I was over it.
††††††††††††††††† Daria stops walking, not in front of her own house, but in front of Janeís.† She take a long look at it, then shrugs and continues home.
INT:† MORGANDORFFER HOME
Jakeís sitting at the kitchen table when Daria walks in.
Jake:††††† Hey, Kiddo!† How was your first day back at school?
Daria:††††† That was yesterday, Dad.
Jake:††††††††† Oh.† Well, how was today, then?
Daria:†††††††† Not too bad.† The explosion only took out the west wing.† Fortunately, the casualty count remained within acceptable levels.
Jake:††††† (freaks) Oh my God, are you all right?!
Jake:††††† (much calmer) That was a joke, wasnít it?
Daria:††††† Youíre getting better at this, Iíll grant you that much.
Jake:††††††††† Ha-ha!† Good one, kiddo!
Daria:††††† Thanks.† Iím thinking of leaving school and going on the stand-up circuit.
Daria:††††† That was a joke too.† But Iíll admit, it was hard to tell.
Jake:††††† Thanks, Daria.
Daria:†††††††† Iím going upstairs.
INT:† DARIAíS ROOM
Itís twilight outside.† Daria ties her shoes and get up to leave.† When she opens the door, Janeís standing there.
Jane:††††† You didnít used to be that easy to startle.
Daria:††††† What are you doing here?
Jane:††††† Thought Iíd save you the trip over to my place.† Anyway, the Spiral is practicing tonight, so thereís no way weíd be able to get anything said.
Daria:††††† What makes you think I was coming to see you?
Jane:††††† Were you?
Daria:†††††††† I asked you first.
Jane:††††† Invite me in.
Daria:††††† Youíre just trying to render me powerless.† It wonít work.
††††††††††††††††† (Jane comes in, Daria closes the door.† They face off in the middle of the room.)
Daria:†††††††† Are you uncomfortable hanging out with me and Tom?
Jane:††††† Okay, that worked.
Daria:††††† What did?
Jane:††††† Cutting right to the chase to throw me off guard.† You have learned much, young one.
Daria:††††† Okay, now answer the question.
Jane:††††† (sits on the bed) Look, I know I said I was over it, and I meant it.
Daria:††††† Thereís a ďbutĒ in there somewhere.
Jane:††††† Odd numbers just donít work very well.† I mean, when it was two of us, things were great.† When Tom came along, that made three, and that made you uncomfortable, until the two of you started actually getting along, which made me uncomfortable.† And now, with all this emotional baggage, weíre all uncomfortable.
Daria:†††††††† I suppose the three of us donít have to hang out.
Jane:††††† Yeah, but thatís not fair to you. †It sucks when your boyfriend and your best friend donít get along, believe me.
Daria:††††† Thereís another load off my conscience.
Jane:††††† Look, Iím not trying to make you feel bad.† I think you feel bad enough about the whole thing without me making it worse.
Daria:†††††††† I still feel like I owe you something.
Jane:††††† (suddenly thoughtful)† You know, that might just work.
Daria:†††††††† Oh, no.† Last time you got that look on your face, you turned the gymnasium into a really gruesome mural.
Jane:††††† Donít you see?† The whole problem is the numbers.† As long as thereís three of us, things will never work out.
Jane:††††† Unless we want to make some major changes to our lifestyles.
Daria:††††† That Allison girl rubbed off on you, didnít she?
Jane:††††† Look, I know how we can ease the tension, get a workable group again, and soothe your conscience all in one go.
Daria:††††† This ought to be good.
Jane:†††††††††† Itís simple:† You need to find me a boyfriend.
Daria:††††† Excuse me?
Jane:††††† Look.† The facts of the matter are these.† I had a boyfriend.† You stole him.† You owe me another one to make up for it.
Daria:††††† You want me to match you up with someone?
Jane:††††† Hey, we need to balance the books here.† And once youíve found him for me, we can go to Pizza King as a foursome instead.† The even numbers are restored, youíve atoned for your sins, and Tom gets to see me with someone else and kick himself for letting go of such a fine woman.
Daria:†††††††† Let me make sure I understand the nature of this plan.† You want me, the Misery Chick, to find you, the Tiger Lady, a boyfriend?
Jane:†††††††††† Iím offering a settlement.† (smirks)† You pay me the sum of one eligible bachelor, or we go to court.† And you know that you donít have a case.
Daria:††††† Look, I donít want to bring up unpleasant memories, but do you remember what happened last time you wanted me to help you with something that I was almost entirely unqualified to do?
Jane:††††† Okay, so the hair striping thing was a mistake.† This time itís different.†
Daria:††††† How so?† Except for this being a much bigger deal.
Jane:††††† Whatís the worst that can happen?† You might set me up on a bad date.† Iíve had enough of those to thicken my skin.
Daria:††††† One more thing:† Are you doing this because you really think it will help, or do you just want to watch me squirm?
Jane:†††††††††† A little of both, I admit.
Daria:††††† Honesty.† Thatís what I needed to hear.† All right, Lane, we have a deal.
Jane:†††††††††† All righty then.
Daria:††††† Now get out.† Iíve got work to do.† Tomorrow at lunch, we meet on the roof.
Jane:††††† Yes, maíam.† (turns to leave, singing)† Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a matchÖ
Daria:††††† Sing that again and the dealís off.
Jane:†††††††††† Fair enough.
††††††††††††††††† Jane leaves.† Daria waits until she hears the door downstairs close, then picks up the phone and dials.
Daria:††††† Tom?† Itís me.† Youíll never believe what I just got myself into.
EXT:† LAWNDALE HIGH ROOF
Jane:††††† Okay, amiga, letís get me a guy!
Daria:††††† First things first.† Iíve prepared a little questionnaire for you.† If weíre going to do this, weíre going to do it right.
Jane:†††††††††† Fire away.† This is your project, Iím just the lab mouse.
Daria:††††† First Question:
Jane:†††††††††† J-A-N-E†† L-A-N-E.
Daria:††††† (glares)† ďWhat are you looking for in a relationship?Ē
Daria:††††† Answers like that will get you a date with Upchuck.
Jane:††††† This is me, taking you seriously.† Um, letís seeÖ Iím looking for short-term, possibility for longer.† Casual dates without serious planning.† Time alone when I want it.† No getting past first base for two-week minimum.† After that, renegotiate.
Jane:†††††††††† Oh, and he has to like my best friend, just not as much as my last boyfriend did.
Daria:††††† Funny.† Next Question:† ďMy new boyfriend must not be aÖĒ
Jane:††††† Jerk.† Moron.† Football player.
Daria:††††† Those are all the same thing.
Jane:††††† Okay, letís see hereÖ I donít want another rich boy.† No joggers, I run alone.† No cowboys.† Thatís all that comes to mind right off the top.
Daria:†††††††† Got it.† Now the good stuff:† ďThe first physical attribute I notice about a guy isÖĒ
Jane:††††† Eyes.† No question about it.
Daria:††††† Any particular preferences?
Daria:††††† Color, Jane.
Jane:††††† Blue.† The darker the better.† Green works too.
Daria:††††† ďSecond physical attribute isÖĒ
Daria:††††† How do you spell that?
Daria:††††† Good.† Now:† ďMy ideal first date isÖĒ
Jane:†††††††††† Jet to a Hollywood premiere and reception with the stars.† Five-star restaurant and ballroom dancing.† Champagne on the beach at sunrise.
Daria:††††† Second date?
Jane:†††††††††† Itís really not that important.† As long as itís fun, thatís what matters.
Jane:††††† And if he spends an obscene amount of money on me, I wonít complain.
Daria:††††† Moving right along:† ďMy potential boyfriend likes to talk aboutÖĒ
Daria:†††††††† I typed that answer in last night.
Jane:††††† Okay. †Music.† The pointlessness of life.† Last nightís episode of ďSick, Sad WorldĒ.† How breathtakingly gorgeous I am.
Daria:†††††††† All right.† (distant bell rings)† Weíll pick this up after school.† Pizza King.† No Tom.
Jane:†††††††††† I feel like weíre making real progress here, donít you?
INT:† PIZZA KING
Jane and Daria sit in a booth with pizza.
Daria:††††† Where were we?
Jane:††††† Question thirty-seven.
Daria:††††† Right.† ďAside from ĖahemĖ unauthorized kissing, if my boyfriend did this, Iíd dump him on the spot.Ē
Jane:††††† HmmÖ† One:† Gave me a flower to apologize for doing something stupid.† Two:† Insulted my paintings.† Three:† Said that Quinn was cute.† Four:† Said that Trent was cute.† Five:† Revealed himself to be related to Upchuck in any way.
Daria:†††††††† I still have nightmares about that one.
Jane:††††† (shudders)† Think of what might have been.† Eww.
Daria:†††††††† I think we need another slice before going on.
Jane:††††† Works for me.
EXT:† WALKING HOME
Jane:††††† ďThe MatrixĒ, ďPsychoĒ, and ďDr. Strangelove, or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb.Ē
Daria:†††††††† Got it.
Jane:†††††††††† Oh, and ďSanta Claus Conquers the MartiansĒ.
Daria:†††††††† Iím writing that down, you know.† Your fault if you end up with the pizza delivery kid.
Jane:††††† Youíd never catch him.† Heís too afraid of us.
INT:† JANEíS ROOM
Jane is painting while Daria sits on the bed. We see only the back of the canvas.† Sick, Sad World is muted on the TV.
Daria:††††† Last one:† ďMy biggest turn-on isÖĒ
Jane:††††† Foot massage.
Daria:††††† Excuse me?
Jane:††††† You never knew that?† God, itís the best.† Especially after a long run.
Daria:†††††††† Is Tom any good at it?
Jane:††††† That, my dear, I leave you to find out for yourself.
Jane:†††††††††† Just do yourself a favor, and donít ask why when he stops rubbing for a moment.† Itís about to get even better.
Daria:††††† Enough info, thank you.† Is that painting ready?
Jane:††††† AlmostÖ there.† What do you think?
††††††††††††††††† Daria walks over and has a look.
Daria:††††† (little smile) Perfect.
INT:† DARIAíS ROOM
Daria hangs up the painting Jane was working on, steps back, and photographs it several times with a digital camera.† From her POV, we see that itís a portrait of Jane herself, arms crossed, eyebrow raised, smirk.† Itís quintessential Jane.
Daria plugs the camera into her computer and loads up the images.† She selects one, pops it into a word document, and begins typing.
Tom:††††† Hey, great picture.
Daria:††††† Eep!† (she turns to see Tom standing over her shoulder)† Will you people stop doing that?
Tom:††††† Doing what?† I dropped by to see how things are going with Jane, and Quinn told me to come up here.† Actually, she more sort of waved me up and went back to the phone.
Daria:††††† Figures.† Anyway, I thought it would be good to punch up something like a resume.† Jane in a nutshell, that sort of thing.
Tom:††††††††† Are you sure thatís the best way to go about this?
Daria:†††††††† No.† (she pulls her glasses off and rubs her eyes) Dammit, Iím no good at this sort of thing!† Why is Jane doing this to me?
Tom:††††††††† If you really want to know, my guess would be revenge.
Daria:††††† Probably.† She seemed pretty blasť about whether Iíd actually succeed.† She probably figures nothing will come of it, and just wants to watch me sweat for a while.
Tom:††††††††† So, whatís the problem?
Daria:†††††††† The problem is, I actually do want to succeed.† She kind of had a point, you know, about me ďowingĒ her.† And, I do think things would be less awkward if she had a guy at the table when we got together.
Tom:††††† You know, I have a few friends.† Maybe we could set her up with one of them.
Daria:††††† Hereís her list of requirements.† Do they meet them?
Tom:††††† HmmÖ no.
Daria:††††† Theyíre rich, right?
Tom:††††††††† All except Harold, and he doesnít have a very cute butt.† So, what are you going to do?
Daria:†††††††† Oh, I know what to do.† I just shudder to think of the consequences.
INT:† QUINNíS ROOM
Quinnís on the phone.
Quinn:††††††† So anyway, I feel like I have a really good shot at Pepperhill now.† And you know, it would really be great if there was someone there I already knew, you know, so we could pledge the good sororities together.† So, I was thinking that Ė
Quinn:††††† Hold on a moment, Stacy.† (covers phone) Who is it?† Iím on the phone here!
Daria:††††† (from outside the door)† Itís your cousin.
Quinn:††††† (peevish)† What do you want?
Daria:†††††††† I need mumbleÖ
Daria:†††††††† I need your help with something!
Quinn:††††† Stacy, Iíll call you back.† (hangs up)† Come in!
††††††††††††††††† Daria opens the door, and she and Tom come in.† She hasnít bothered to put her glasses back.
Quinn:††††† You talked her into giving the contacts another shot, didnít you!† Great!† This time, letís get you some colored ones.
Daria:††††† (putting her glasses back on) Itís not the contacts, Quinn.
Tom:††††† You wore contacts?
Daria:†††††††† It was a dark, dismal chapter in my life.
Quinn:††††††† She looks so cute without her glasses.
Tom:††††† With them, too.
Daria:†††††††† I pray for death, and all I get is day after day of this miserable existence.
Quinn:††††††† If itís not that, what is it?
Daria:†††††††† Itís about JaneÖ
Quinn:††††† (looks back and forth from Daria to Tom)† You told her!† Daria, what were you thinking?
Tom:††††† Daria told Jane about us four months ago.† It took some time, but sheís cool with it now.
Quinn:††††††† So, whatís the problem?
Daria:†††††††† Itís like this.† Iím trying to set up Jane with a new boyfriend, to try to make up for all this.† But I canít do it, because I donít know any guys.
Quinn:††††††† Let me get this straight.† You want me to find a boyfriend for your weird art friend?
Tom:††††††††† Is she always like this?
Daria:†††††††† She used to be worse.† Jane was once my ďloser art friendĒ.
Quinn:††††† Hel-LO, Iím talking here.† All right.† What kind of guy is she looking for?
Daria:††††† Hereís a list of qualifications.
Quinn:††††† Good, youíre learning.† (she reads down the list)† What good is all this?† How am I supposed to find a guy for her if she doesnít even say what kind of car he should drive?
Daria:††††† This was a mistake.† A huge mistake.† Letís go, Tom.
Quinn:††††† Hold on, itís not totally hopeless.† Thereís some useful information here.† (suddenly very businesslike)† I believe I can help you.† Letís discuss payment.
Daria:†††††††† I thought of that one.† Hereís my deal.† Do this for me, and you have one future claim.
Quinn:††††† Whatís that?
Daria:††††† Youíll need something from me, eventually.† Give me this favor and I give you one when the time comes, no questions asked.
Quinn:††††† HmmmÖ that idea does have meritÖ
Daria:†††††††† Are we agreed?
Quinn:††††† Yes.† I think we can work together.† (she pulls out her coral-pink organizer) †Letís get started.
INT:† DARIAíS ROOM
Daria sits at her computer, Quinn stands reading from her organizer, Tom slouches on the bed watching whatís going on.
Daria:††††† There, thatís the last of them.† Every eligible boy in your planner entered into a categorized database.
Quinn:††††††† Try not to sound so geeky, Daria.† Hey, can I get a printout of it, though?† Anyway, whatís next?
Daria:†††††††† We enter Janeís information and try to get as many matches as we can.† (she punches the enter key and sits back to wait)
Tom:††††† How long?
Daria:††††† With this wind-up computer?† Who knows.† Hopefully, this side of the apocalypse.
Quinn:††††† Whatever.† Daria, Iím going to bed.† Let me know when youíve got your list of hopefuls.† (she leaves)
Tom:††††† Daria, just so you know, I will never, ever leave you for your sister.
Daria:††††† Comforting.† ĖsighĖ The problem is, Iím not sure how much help she was.
Tom:††††† Why is that?
Daria:††††† That was Quinnís kind of list.† Itís nice, long, detailed information Ė about who has a good car, and who has access to a private beach or a ski lodge, or how much a guy was willing to spend on her.† The odds of finding real compatibility with Jane are slim at best.† (sighs again)† What have I gotten myself into?
Tom:††††††††† Iíll help wherever I can.† Itís just as much my fault that youíre stuck with this.
Daria:††††† Thanks, Tom.† Right now I just need some sleep.
Tom:††††† Thatís my cue to exit.† (gives her a quick kiss, then leaves)
††††††††††††††††† Daria leans back in her chair for a moment, contemplating the ceiling.† Then she turns back to her computer and starts typing some more.
INT:† LAWNDALE HIGH
Janeís at her locker, unloading books.† Daria shuffles up to hers and spins the dial around.† She doesnít look so good.
Jane:††††† Wow, you donít look so good.† Rough night?
Daria:††††† You might say that. (yawns)
Jane:†††††††††† Oh crap, I didnít forget another test in DeMartinoís class, did I?
Jane:††††† You were up all night studying, right?† Wait, when was the last time you had to study for a history test? (pause)† You were up because of me, werenít you?
Daria:†††††††† Just getting a good start on our little project, thatís all.
Jane:††††† Whoa, Daria, who said you had to do all this in one night?† Look, maybe Iím being unfair to you.† If this isnít going to work out, weíll think of something else.
Daria:†††††††† No, thatís all right, Iím in too deep to back out now.
Jane:††††† Look, donít kill yourself over this.† Iíd have to console Tom, and God knows what kind of complications that could cause.
††††††††††††††††† Daria shuffles off to class, while Jane looks a tad concerned.
Daria and Jodie are by the vent.† Daria has a stack of printouts.
Jodie:††††† You know, weíre really not supposed to be up here.
Daria:††††† Donít worry, I checked the forecast.† No hurricanes today.† LookÖ I want to ask a, um, favor.
Jodie:††††† (surprised) Name it!
Daria:††††† Arenít you going to ask for anything in return?
Jodie:††††† (frowns a tiny bit) Just because I try to be friendly with everyone doesnít mean I donít know what an actual friend is, Daria.† Iíll do a favor for you because I want to, not because I want some payback.
Daria:†††††††† (a little embarrassed) Um, yeah.† Thanks.† Hereís the thing.† You know how I, er, stole Janeís boyfriend?
Jodie:††††† Despite having been in a cave all summer, yes.
Daria:††††† Well, we worked out this little arrangement whereby I have to find her another one to make up for it.† So, I need some info on all the guys in school to try and match her up.
Jodie:†††††††† All the guys in school?† Why donít you just ask your sister?
Daria:†††††††† I already did.
Jodie:††††† (impressed) Wow, this is really important to you, isnít it?† But what makes you think I have dossiers on all the eligible males?† Iíve had the same boyfriend for the past three years.
Daria:†††††††† The problem is, Quinnís portfolio doesnít include everyone Ė just everyone who Quinn finds desirable.† I need info on the less popular crowd, too.† So I came up with a little plan, but I need to pitch it to Ms. Li.† And for that, I need someone on her good side.
Jodie:††††† Unfortunately, I do meet that description.† Iíll ask what the plan is, but first, could you tell me why Iím up here on the roof?
Daria:††††† Cloak and Dagger.
Jodie:††††† Real reason?
Daria:††††† That is the real reason.† Ms. Li hasnít put the surveillance equipment up here yet.
INT:† MS. LIíS OFFICE
Daria and Jodie sit in a pair of chairs with Ms. Li behind her desk.
Jodie:††††† Essentially, my idea is this:† We send around questionnaires to the entire student body, and they fill them out and send them in.† Then, we set up a computer program that cross-references all the various forms, and we end up with something like a ďcompatibility listĒ showing which students match up best with students of the opposite gender.† This could help students expand their social circle.
Ms. Li:††††† (uninterested) I see.
Daria:†††††††† Of course, weíd have to make sure all the forms were destroyed afterwards.† Itís not a good idea to have all that personal information about, where it could get into someoneís file and later be used against them.
Ms. Li:††††† (definitely interested) I seeÖ
Jodie:††††† (frowning sideways glance at Daria) And, with Homecoming just around the corner, it might help some students find dates for the dance, and increase ticket sales.
Ms. Li:††††† Well, you girls seem to have thought this out very thoroughly, well done!† Iíll get to work on the questionnaire right away!
Jodie:††††† Actually, Ms. Li, we already have it prepared.† (hands over a slim stack of papers)
Ms. Li:††††† Mmm.† Well, Iíll check this over for completeness, and then arrange for copies to be made.† I see no reason why we couldnít get started immediately!† Thank you girls, thatís all.
Daria and Jodie come out of Ms. Liís office and walk down the hall.
Jodie:†††††††† I think she would have gone for it without the subversive plot angle.
Daria:†††††††† Just covering all the bases.† Listen, thanks for your help.† I know youíve got a pretty full plate, I can do the rest on my own.
Jodie:†††††††† Are you sure?† What about getting all the forms distributed and picking them up again?
Daria:††††† Already taken care of.† I slipped a stack to each homeroom teacher this morning.† Iíll pick them up tomorrow.
Jodie:††††† What about Ms. Liís version?
Daria:†††††††† Iíll give her some convincing-sounding but totally meaningless answers.† Iíve had a stack of those kind of answers prepared since I hit my teen years.
Jodie:††††† And the computer database?† Whoís going to program it?
Daria:††††† Thatís the part Iíve really been dreading.
EXT:† BEHIND THE SCHOOL
Upchuck leans against the brick wall of the school, a lecherous grin on his face.
Upchuck:††† I must admit, when you told me to meet you back here, my heart leaped like never before. So tell me, fair one, why all the coy pretense, only to lead up to this?
Daria:††††† Upchuck, donít make this harder than it is.† I need a favor from you.
Upchuck:††† I knew this day would come!† I never dared to imagine it would be so soon!
Daria:††††† (shaking her head)† Why am I doing this?† Look, letís make this easy on ourselves.† Iíll tell you what I want from you, then Iíll tell you what you can have in return.† No negotiation.† If you donít like the terms, no deal.† Got it?
Upchuck:††††† GrrrÖ feisĖ
Daria:†††††††† If you say ďfeistyĒ I will kick you in the scrotum.† Twice.† With steel-toed boots.
Daria:††††† Thatís better.† Hereís the deal.† Youíve probably seen the questionnaires going around.† I need you to set up a computer program that can take the resulting data, cross-reference it, and produce a list of compatible male-female matches.† Then, I need you to set up a similar program which will produce a more detailed compatibility list for one particular female.† No, itís not me.† Finally, I need you to keep your mouth shut about the second part.
Upchuck:††††† And my payment for this would be?
Daria:†††††††† Do this for me, and you may set yourself up with high compatibility scores for anyone you want, excluding Jane and me.
Upchuck:††††† HmmÖ I donít knowÖ
Upchuck:††††† What Ė what did you say?
Daria:††††† God, donít make me repeat it.
Upchuck:††† Oh, sweet one.† That I might hear such a word cross those tender lips.† (bows low)† I will do this thing that you ask.
Daria:††††† Thank you.† (she walks off, a tired, resigned look on her face)
††††††††††††††††† Upchuck leans back against the wall, places his hands over his heart, and sighs with contentment.
INT: †A FAIRLY DECENT RESTAURANT
Tom and Daria are seated at a table, looking at menus.† Daria looks tired, Tom looks concerned.
Tom:††††††††† I hate to be a pest, but are you sure youíre up for being out tonight?
Daria:†††††††† Iím fine, Tom.† Being here with you is much less demanding than eating at home with my family, believe me.
Tom:††††††††† As long as I remain the lesser of two evils.
Daria:†††††††† I didnít mean it like that.
Tom:††††† Wow, you must be tired.† Even your sense of sarcasm has betrayed you.
Daria:††††† Sorry, Tom.† I am pretty exhausted.
Tom:††††† Youíre pretty when youíre exhausted.
Daria:†††††††† I do have a knife over here.† A big, sharp one.
Tom:††††† Thatís the Daria Iíve been missing.† Itís not fair for you to have to go through all this, you know.
Daria:†††††††† The worst is over now.† Once Iíve got the results from the questionnaire, itís Janeís turn to wish sheíd never embarked on this whole thing.† Thatís when she gets to go on dates with the top ten.
Tom:††††† That ďBarfĒ guy you talk about isnít going to be on the list, is he?
Daria:††††† ďUpchuckĒ.† No, I spared her that.† At a terrible cost.
Daria:†††††††† Not that terrible.
††††††††††††††††† Tom relaxes.
Tom:††††††††† I hate to bring this up, but thereís something Iíve been thinking about.
Daria:††††† Whatís that?
Tom:††††† Well, youíve got a fairly comprehensive list now, but itís only guys from Lawndale High.† Janeís been going there for three years now, and sheís probably already formed an opinion on most of them.† A fairly negative one, if I might make a wild guess.
Daria:††††† You had to burst my bubble, didnít you?† And just when I was feeling so happy and carefree.
Tom:††††† Thereís a simple answer.† We just need to get some prospects from outside the hallowed halls of your institution.
Daria:†††††††† I really donít think I have the energy to spread this little questionnaire all over town.
Tom:††††† Relax, youíve done enough.† Iíll take care of this part.† Itís just a matter of checking the personal ads, narrowing it down to prospective dates for Jane, and making sure theyíre not psychopaths.
Daria:††††† You wonít be able to get the compatibility info.
Tom:††††† Actually, I was thinking that it would be an interesting experiment to see whether the compatibility program is any better than my gut instinct.
Daria:††††† How long to you think itíll take you to do this?
Tom:††††† Give me a few days.† And during that time, you need to get some rest.† Go have fun with Jane, read some depressing novels, take advantage of the fact that you have a boyfriend with a jacuzzi.† Youíre really going above and beyond here.
Daria:††††† WellÖ okay.
Tom:††††† Cool.† Now letís get some chicken wings, Iím starving.
Tom sits in front of his computer (thereís a small color portrait of Daria, almost smiling, taped to the upper left corner of his monitor), surfing through internet ads.† He stops, writes one down, then continues.
Daria and Jane are out for Pizza, chatting like always.† At another table, Brittany smacks Kevin for one of his usual dumb remarks, and storms out.† Daria and Jane both smirk at this.
Upchuck types furiously away at his machine. †Thereís a large black-and-white picture of Daria tacked to the wall just above, a picture that was obviously taken without her knowledge across a crowded Lawndale High hallway.
Tom sits surrounded by newspaper ads.† Heís circling some with red pen.
Daria and Jodie sit at a large scanning machine, running forms through it.† Daria stops the machine for a moment, pulls out one form, with Quinnís name on it.† Daria makes minor change, then puts it back.† Jodie frowns, but lets it pass.
Tom talks on the phone, a stack of printouts in his lap, making notes.
Daria knocks at a door.† Upchuck answers.† She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a compact disc, handing it to him.† Upchuck makes a sweeping motion with his arm, inviting her in.† Daria shakes her head and walks away, leaving Upchuck doing his growl and tiger-claw imitation.
Daria and Jane leave Lawndale High for the day.† Jane puts on some headphones and jogs off.† A moment later, Tom pulls up.† Daria gets in his car and they drive away.
Daria knocks again at Upchuckís door.† Upchuck answers, hands her a large envelope.† He then leans suavely against the doorframe and makes, presumably, an indecent proposal.† Daria points back over her shoulder to where an angry-looking Tom stands by his car.† Upchuck waves and grins nervously, then runs back into the house.† Daria smiles at Tom, who smiles back and gives a thumbs-up.
INT:† DARIAíS ROOM
Daria:†††††††† I have to admit, Upchuck did some good work here.† Janeís got about thirty matches.† I should be able to eliminate a few based on personal experience, but that still leaves plenty to work with.
Tom:††††††††† I was able to narrow my list down to four potentials.† It wasnít easy explaining to my mother why I was looking through the personals for single men.† Do you think it would be all right if we kissed a little more often in front of her, just to set her mind at ease?
Daria:††††† You know me.† Willing to go above and beyond.
Tom:††††† You wouldnít believe some of the nutcases I talked to.† Did you know that your history teacherís looking for a soulmate?
Daria:††††† That was more than I needed to know.† I hope the people you ended up with are more compatible than that.
Tom:††††† Weíll see.† Iíve got a first-year law student, a musician, a photographer, and some guy from my school.† Heís a grade below me, just moved in, so I never met him.
Daria:††††† Tom, not to pass judgment, but Jane said she didnít want to date a rich guy.
Tom:††††† Heís on a full-ride scholarship.† Heís one of the little people, not to worry.
Daria:††††† Well, I guess all that remains is to narrow down the Lawndale list and set Jane up on some dates.† Iíll pick the top four from here.
Tom:††††††††† Out of curiosity, who was number one on the list?
Daria:††††† (checks the list, and smiles)† Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.
INT:† OíNEILLíS CLASSROOM
OíNeill:††††† Esteem.† A teen.† They donít really rhyme, do they?† The words donít quite mesh.
Jane:††††† (aside to Daria) Should we tell him heís got the wrong class notes?
Daria:††††† Nah.† Heíll figure it out, eventually.† Meanwhile, itís easy to tune out.
Jane:†††††††††† I couldnít help but notice that everyone in the school besides me has a list of compatible dates.† Why is this?
Daria:††††† Simple.† Iíve got yours, and you donít get to see it.† I donít want you eliminating every name on it before you even meet these guys.
Jane:††††† What about your list?
Daria:††††† You donít really think I filled one out, do you?
Jane:††††† (holding up a list) Then explain to me where this came from.
Daria:††††† Prepare for doom, Lane.† And while youíre at it, give me that!
Jane:††††† Hold on there, firecracker.† First of all, I just picked up the results; I didnít fill it out.† Second, if you look really closely at the name at the top of the questionnaire, youíll notice that the ďIĒ in ďDariaĒ is dotted with a little heart.
Jane:††††† Thatís my guess.
OíNeill:††††† So, Kevin:† What are we talking about when we talk about ďOurselvesĒ?
Kevin:††††† UmÖ youíre talking about the teachers?
Daria:†††††††† For a moment there, I thought Kevin might actually get that one right.
OíNeill:††††† Wait a minute Ė Er, class?† I seem to have the wrong notesÖ
Jane:††††† Darn.† I was looking forward to my eighth time through this course.
Daria and Jane are at a table in the corner.
Daria:†††††††† I spoke with the first guy on your Lawndale List, and he wants to meet you after school.
Jane:††††† Who is it?† Ė Never mind, I donít want to know.† Surprise me.
Daria:††††† (voiceover) Oh, youíll be surprised.† (out loud)† He suggested a sidewalk cafť off Dega Street, up at the north end.
Jane:††††† Souper Sandwich.† I know the place.
Kevin:††††† (from across the cafeteria) But Babe, I donít know why youíre not on the list!† Youíve always been at the top of my list before!
Brittany:††††† I donít see my name there now!† All I see is everyone else on the cheerleading squad!† Just how many cheerleaders have you been seeing behind my back?
Kevin:††††††† Not all of them, I swear!
Brittany:††††† And to top it off, I have to date Upchuck!† Eewww!
Daria:††††† Thatís one.† I wonder who else he picked?
Jane:††††† What do you mean?
Daria:†††††††† Iíll tell you later, when thereís no chance of my being overheard by any of his other victims.
Jane:††††† Should someone tell Brittany that you donít necessarily have to date the people on your list?
Daria:††††† Nah.† We could use a few sparks flying around here.† Besides, I owe it to Upchuck to let him have his moment.
Jane:††††† Who are you, and what have you done with Daria?
Daria:†††††††† She sits before you.† I figure that if Upchuck can make the most of this opportunity and actually succeed, more power to him.† More likely, though, heíll show his usual true colors and end up with a large dry-cleaning bill.
Jane:†††††††††† So, have you looked over your own results?
Daria:††††† Based on Quinnís responses to the quiz, my highest compatibility score was a 22 percent with Lloyd Gunther.
Jane:††††† Whoís that?
Daria:††††† Remember self-esteem class?† ďWeíre talking about usĒ?
Daria:†††††††† Not to worry.† I actually consider it a real bonus not to be compatible with people at this school.
Jane:†††††††††† Did you do anything to Quinn?
Daria:††††† Funny thing is, I took my revenge in advance.† I changed a few key responses on her form.
Jane:††††† Such as?
CUT TO Ė QUINNíS HOMEROOM
Quinn:††††† Look, Sandi, Iím sure itís some kind of mistake!
Sandi:††††† Mistake?† Look at these results, Quinn.† How do you explain this list?
Quinn:††††††† I donít know, Sandi!
Sandi:††††† Well, I can tell you one thing:† I donít care if thereís a ninety-seven percent compatibility, I am not going out with you!
Quinn:††††††† Not so loud, Sandi!
Tiffany:††††† (entering) Hey, QuinnÖ did you know youíre on my list?† Thatís so weirdÖ
Quinn:††††††† Oh, the humanityÖ
CUT TO Ė CAFETERIA
Jane:††††† You are evil, you know that?
Daria:††††† (smirk)† She should thank me.† Sheís probably the only female in the school outside the two of us who didnít get Upchuck on her list.
EXT:† SIDEWALK CAFE
Itís afternoon, presumably right after school.† Jane sits at a table, Daria stands next to it.
Daria:††††† Your first date should be here in about five minutes.† You sure you donít want to know who it is in advance?
Jane:†††††††††† I know who itís not.† Itís not Kevin, itís not Upchuck, itís not DeMartino. (shudders)† Iím going to be up nights thinking about that.
Daria:††††† Okay.† Tom and I will be right inside.† But, I donít think youíll need us for this one.
Jane:††††† Now youíve piqued my curiosity.
Daria:†††††††† Just have fun. (exits)
††††††††††††††††† Jane sits for a bit with her arms crossed.† She crosses one leg over the other and bounces her foot a little.† She riffles the sugar packets.† In short, she fidgets for about two minutes.
Voice:††††††† Hi!† You must be Jane!
Jane:††††† (looking up) Thatís me.† (She suddenly looks very surprised)
††††††††††††††††† Ted Dewitt-Clinton sits down across from her.
Ted:†††††††††† Iím Ted!† I hope you like this place.† Itís incredible what they do with potato skins here!
Jane:††††† You were at the top of my list?
Ted:††††† Yeah!† And you were at the top of mine, too!† Imagine that!† Isnít it great that Daria arranged this date for us?† Sheís pretty cool, huh?
Jane:††††† (deadpan) Oh yeah.† Sheís the best.
INT:† SIDEWALK CAFE
Tom and Daria sit at in indoor table with a view of Jane and Ted.
Tom:††††††††† Let me get this straight:† Heís the ex-boyfriend of yours that Jane told me about?
Daria:†††††††† Not exactly.† We went out on one date, and Iím not really even sure you could call it that.† But, heís the closest thing to an ex I have.
Tom:††††† Irony.† Do you think he and Jane will connect?
Daria:†††††††† I know she wonít hate him.† Heís too nice to hate.† Whatís really funny is the way he matched almost everything on her list, and yet I canít imagine what they could possibly have in common.
Tom:††††† Well, who knows?† Maybe theyíll be a hit.
††††††††††††††††† Tom looks outside to see Jane leaning her chin on one hand and yawning while Ted prattles on.
Tom:††††††††† Or not.
EXT:† SIDEWALK CAFE
Ted:††††† And so, thatís why I think that de Goyaís later work didnít show a Rembrandt influence as much as a Velazquez influence.
Ted:††††† Daria said youíre an artist.† What do you think of Francisco de Goyaís influence on the art world?
Jane:†††††††††† I donít see that it matters.† What matters is what he drew from creating it, and what others draw from seeing it.†
Ted:††††† HmmÖ I never thought of it that way.
Jane:††††† (looking more animated now)† Well, then whatís it all about?† Do you think good olí Frank cared how historians would see his work in the grand scheme of things when he painted some blind guy getting gored by a rabid bull?† Or, isnít it more likely that he was having a really bad day and wanted to get some of his anger out?
Jane:†††††††††† Let me give you a good example.† Say youíve lived the sort of life that exposes you, through books and paintings, to an entire world that doesnít exist anymore and probably never really did.† Then you get your first taste of real life, and you find that all the Renaissance artists and Greek philosophers in history canít compare to the taste of a cheddar-and-bacon potato skin.† You start to see that however much you may have learned in a sheltered, protected environment, it absolutely pales in comparison to real experience.† How does that make you feel?† Tell me something, have you ever even kissed a girl?
INT:† SIDEWALK CAFE
Daria and Tom, still seated.† Dariaís got her back to Jane and Tedís table outside.
Daria:†††††††† Iím starting to have serious misgivings about this.† I mean, Janeís obviously having a lousy time.
Tom:††††††††† I donít know about that.† She just stuck her tongue down his throat.
Daria:††††† Youíre serious, arenít you?
Tom:††††††††† Oh, yeah.
††††††††††††††††† Faintly from outside, we hear Ted screaming.† Doppler effect as he runs away.
Daria:†††††††† Do I want to know?
Jane:††††† (coming in from behind)† I think I scared him.
Tom:††††† Whatever gave you that idea?† Besides the fact that he cleared a four-foot tall mailbox on the way out.
Jane:††††† Hey, somebody had to do something.† The kidís messed up in the head, I tell you.
Daria:†††††††† Iím sure heís very grateful to you.† Tell me, what would you have done if heíd kissed back?†
Jane:††††† Depends on whether he was any good at it.† Heís not so bad, just needs a little encouragement in the wrong directions.
Daria:††††† Unfortunately, I donít think youíre likely to get a second date.
Jane:††††† Well, weíve still got some more names to go through.† Letís try one from Quinnís list next.† Iím in that kind of mood.
††††††††††††††††† From a few tables away, thereís a sudden commotion.† Brittany and Upchuck are dining together.
Brittany:††††† Youíre so gross!† I canít believe I let that computer talk me into going out with you!
Upchuck:††††† Okay, you donít have to bring the pom-poms, just wear the uniform!
††††††††††††††††† Brittany throws an entire pitcher of ice water into Upchuckís face.
Brittany:††††† Take a cold shower, you jerk! (storms out)
Jane:††††† Wow.† Brittany said something mildly clever.
Daria:†††††††† Itís another wild afternoon at the Souper Sandwich Cafť.
INT: †QUINNíS ROOM
Jane is seated before Quinnís lighted makeup mirror.† Her hair is pulled back, and sheís wearing a smock.† Her face is covered with some kind of putty.† Quinnís messing with beauty aids off to the side.† Dariaís on Quinnís bed.
Jane:†††††††††† I absolutely cannot believe Iím actually letting you do this.
Quinn:††††† Come on, Jean, you canít go to Chez Pierre looking like, you know, like you!
Daria:†††††††† Itís Jane.
Jane:††††† Thatís all right, Iíd rather pretend Jean were here in my place.† Tell me again, Quinn, why is my face covered with goo?
Quinn:††††††† Itís exfoliator.† Trust me, you needed it.† Okay, weíre ready for the next step:† Hair!
Jane:††††† Daria, please save me.
Daria:†††††††† As much as I have sympathy for your position, I need to go get ready myself.† Have fun, Jean.† (she exits)
Quinn:††††† Okay, hereís what I was thinking:† a little twist and tuck right here, to get rid of that mushroom shape.
Quinn:††††††† Tell me, did you ever think of striping in some highlights?
Jane:††††† Believe me, you really donít want to go there.
Quinn:††††† Whatever.† Okay, Iíve got a plan for the hair.† Now, turn around and shut your eyes.
Jane:†††††††††† I want to see what youíre doing.
Quinn:††††††† But you canít!† I mean, look at it this way.† You do little paintings and stuff, right?
Jane:†††††††††† Iíve been known to dabble in watercolors a bit.
Quinn:††††††† So, would you really want someone youíre painting something for to see it before it was finished?
Jane:††††† (sigh) Point taken.† But remember, Iím not joining the fashion club here.† Make sure I still look like me in the end, not a vacuous swimsuit-model wannabe.
Quinn:††††† Like, weíd want you to join.† And donít worry about the swimsuit model thing, you donít have the bust for it anyway.
Jane:††††† Okay, I need another round of self-esteem class right about now.
Quinn:††††† That, my dear Jane, is what makeovers are all about.
INT:† DARIAíS ROOM
Daria opens her closet, sees two outfits just like the one she always wears, jeans, black t-shirt, and her bridesmaid dress.† She sighs, and closes the closet again.
INT:† QUINNíS ROOM
Jan is tilted back in her chair, Quinn applies makeup.
Jane:†††††††††† So, whatís this guy like, anyway?
Quinn:††††† Ronny?† Well, heís sincereÖ heís nice, and dependable, andÖ
Jane:††††† Youíve never gone out with him, have you?
Jane:††††† Probably just as well.† I wouldnít want one of your castoffs.
Quinn:††††††† Iíd never wear a cast!† They clash with everything!
INT:† HELEN AND JAKEíS ROOM
Daria sneaks in, tiptoes over to the closet, and opens the door.† She starts going through her momís dresses.
Daria:††††† NoÖ too oldÖ too silkyÖ whatís this?
††††††††††††††††† Daria pulls out a very low-cut French Maidís outfit.
Daria:††††† (putting it back hastily)† That was really more than I wanted to know.† (she searches some more)† Ah, here we go.
INT:† QUINNíS ROOM
Janeís still in the chair, Quinnís applying finishing touches.
Quinn:††††††† Just about thereÖ All right!† Prepare to be stunned!
††††††††††††††††† Quinn swings the chair around so Jane can look in the mirror.
Jane:††††† Whoa!† Who the hell is that?
Quinn:††††† You donít have to thank me, the work is rewarding enough.† (quieter) That, and the fifty Daria gave me.
INT:† DARIAíS ROOM
Daria is standing before a small mirror propped on her dresser, applying a thin layer of lipstick with obvious distaste.† Sheís wearing a basic black dress with no accessories, and her boots.
Quinn:††††† Wow, youíre wearing makeup?
Daria:††††† Eep!† (turning on Quinn)† What is it with you people sneaking up on me?
Quinn:††††† God, Daria, donít go all psycho on me.† I just wanted to tell you that Iím done working on your weird art friend.† (notices Dariaís dress)† Whereíd you get that from?
Daria:†††††††† Iím not telling.
Quinn:††††† Fine, just put it back when youíre done, or Mom will think I took it.† Like Iíd ever take anything from her closet.† Tell me youíre not going to wear those boots with it, though.
Daria:††††† Shouldnít you be preening for a date at this point?
Quinn:††††† Fashion club meeting tonight.† Weíre having a discussion on ďMiracle MakeoversĒ.† Fortunately, Jane didnít see the camera.
Daria:††††† Listen, Quinn, since I owe you one, Iíll tell you this:† Check that tape before you show it.† Itís liable to be switched with a documentary on the mating habits of baboons.
Quinn:††††† Ewww!† (runs out)
Jane:††††† (from the doorway)† Warthogs, actually.†
††††††††††††††††† Daria turns, and does a double-take when she sees Jane.
EXT:† DARIAíS HOUSE
Tom steps up to the front door.† Heís wearing a dark blue suit with a gray turtleneck.† As heís about to ring the bell, a car pulls up behind his.† Ronny gets out.† Heís wearing a suit and tie.
Tom:††††† Hey, youíre Ronny?† Iím Tom.
Ronny:††††† Hey, Tom.† (pause)† So, do you know this Jane girl Iím taking out tonight?
Tom:††††† ErÖ yeah, I know her a little.
Ronny:††††† Quinn sounded kind of evasive on the phone about her.† Just said she was this artist chick who hung out with her sister, or cousin, or something.† (pause)† Quinnís not coming, is she?
Tom:††††††††† Not a chance.
Ronny:††††† Thank God for small favors.
Tom:††††††††† Not that I blame you, but what have you got against Quinn?
Ronny:††††† Sheís shallow and manipulative, sheís materialistic, sheís whiny, and to top it all off, she wouldnít go out with me!
Tom:††††† That makes sense.
††††††††††††††††† Tom goes for the doorbell again, but is distracted by a yellow convertible pulling up behind his.
Tom:††††† This is the place to be tonight, I guess.
††††††††††††††††† Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany get out of the car.† Stacy is carrying a couple of large makeup cases.
Stacy:††††† Hey guys, wait up!
Sandi:†††††††† (to Tom and Ronny)† Iím sorry, but Quinn canít see you tonight.† We have an important meeting.† She didnít have any business making a date as it is.† Weíre going to have to have a serious talk with her.
Tom:††††† Actually Ė
Sandi:†††††††† By the way, you donít go to Lawndale, do you?† Iím Sandi, President of the Fashion Club, itís a pleasure to meet you.† Perhaps under other circumstances the two of us could go out sometime.
Tom:††††† You see Ė
Sandi:†††††††† Iíd give you my phone number, but why donít you just ask Quinn for it?† Come on, Stacy, stop wheezing!† That is like, so unattractive!
Stacy:††††† (gasp) Sorry, Sandi.
Tom:††††††††† Iím not here to see Quinn.
Tiffany:††††† Isnít anyone home?
Tom:††††††††† I havenít rung the doorbell yet.
Sandi:††††† Then why are we all standing out here?† Wait, if youíre not here to see Quinn, what are you doing here?
Tom:††††††††† Iím here for Daria.
Sandi:††††† Thatís funny, I thought you said you were here to see Daria.
Tom:††††††††† I am.† Youíre really unpleasant, you know that?
Sandi:††††† Why, you Ė
††††††††††††††††† The door opens.† Itís Quinn.
Quinn:††††† Sandi!† Tiffany!† Stacy!† Tom!† ErÖ
Quinn:††††† Ronny, yes, of course.† Come in, everyone!
Sandi:††††† (shouldering past Tom)† Excuse me.
Tom:††††† Youíre excused.
Quinn:††††† Never mind him, heís spent too much time around my cousin.† Wait until you see this, guys!† Daria!† Jane!† Come on down!
††††††††††††††††† Daria appears first.
Daria:††††† Hey, Tom.
Tom:††††† Hey, Daria.† You look great.
Sandi:††††† Um, Quinn?† She doesnít look any different to me.
Quinn:††††††† Not her!† (points)† Her!
††††††††††††††††† Everyone looks, and jaws drop around the room.
††††††††††††††††† Jane appears at the top of the stairs.† Quinn has truly done a remarkable job.† Her hair is pulled back and tucked under itself in a roll, with a slim lock winding down her left cheek.† Her eyes are shadowed perfectly, thereís a hint of blush, her lips a slightly brighter red than usual.† Her dress is a long, sleek black-and red gown with a long slit up one side, and red heels.† A silver necklace with a dark red stone and matching earrings finish her off.† She looks ready to walk onto a runway.
Daria:†††††††† (to Tom)† Quit staring.
Quinn:††††† Can I cook, or canít I?
††††††††††††††††† Jane walks down the stairs, a little unsteady in the heels, but compensating well. †She walks up to Ronny, whoís just short of drooling.
Jane:†††††††††† Hi.† Iím Jane.† We ready to go?
Ronny:††††† WowÖ† I mean, yeah, sure!
Jane:††††† Cool.† Letís motor.† Oh, one second Ė Quinn?
Jane:††††† Can I talk to you?
Quinn:††††††† (a little uncertain)† Um, sure.
Jane:††††† (whispering)† What the hell did you do to me?† Everyoneís staring at me like Iím from outer space!† Even Tom!
Quinn:††††† Look, Jane, itís just your first makeover!† Everyoneís a little shy and uncertain the first time, but youíll get over it!† Just make sure itís a memorable experience, and donít worry if itís not all you expected.† It only gets better from here.
Jane:†††††††††† Are we talking about the same thing?
INT:† CHEZ PIERRE
The party arrives.† Jane looks a bit uncomfortable.† Tom is holding Dariaís hand, seemingly trying to compensate for his reaction to Jane.† Ronnyís looking at Jane with puppy-dog eyes.† Daria looks like Daria.
Maitreíd:††††† (heavy French accent)† Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen.† Do you have a reservation?
Tom:††††† Oui, Monsier, un reservation pour quatre a huit heurs.
Daria:††††† Party of four, eight oíclock.† Name, Tom Sloane.
Maitreíd:††† Ah, yes.† Right this way.
Jane:†††††††††† (to Tom)† Show-off.
Tom:††††††††† I just like to deflate these guys a little.
Maitreíd††††† Right here, ladies and gentlemen.
Ronny:††††† (running ahead and pulling out a chair) Um, here you go, Jane.
Jane:††††† Gee, thanks.† I donít think I could have lifted that big, heavy chair all by myself.
Ronny:††††††† I could recommend something really good from the menu, if you want.
Jane:†††††††††† Do they have cheese fries?
Daria:††††† Right there, under Frites des Fromage.
Tom:††††† Never mind.
Ronny:††††† Hey Jane, if you really want cheese fries, Iíll get them for you.
Jane:††††† ErÖ thatís okay, Ronny.† Iíll just get something else.
Ronny:††††† Sure, Jane.† Whatever you want.
Jane:††††† UmÖ yeah.
a short while laterÖ
Drinks have been served to the whole party.† Jane sips hers and frowns a bit.
Jane:††††† Hm.† This Coke tastes weird.
Ronny:††††††† Let me get you a new Coke!
Jane:††††† They have people to do that, Ronny.† Theyíre called waiters.
Ronny:††††††† Iíll get a waiter, then.† (he stands up, accidently bumping the table and spilling a glass of water into Janeís lap).
Jane:†††††††††† Iím just not having much luck with liquids tonight.
Ronny:††††††† Iím sorry, Jane!† Here, let me help you with that.
Jane:†††††††††† No, Ronny, thatís fine, really.† Iíll just go powder my nose.† Daria, wanna come with?
Daria:††††† Excuse me?
Jane:††††† Daria, come to the restroom with me.† Itís what girls do, remember?
Daria:††††† Sure, Jane.† Weíll be back in a jiff.
Jane stops in front of the mirror and leans heavily on the counter.
Daria:†††††††† So, Jane, tell me why youíve broken our unwritten rule and invited me to the bathroom.
Jane:††††† This is a nightmare.† What the hell am I doing?† I get all dolled up like itís my wedding or something; weíre in a restaurant I swore Iíd never set foot in; my date keeps treating me like Quinn or something, when heís not undressing me with his eyes; and your date keeps staring at you like he canít look in my direction for fear heíll actually like what he sees.
Daria:††††† Hey, look.† Little mints.
Jane:†††††††††† Iím serious, Daria.† I canít continue this date like this.† We need to get out of this restaurant, I need to go somewhere where I can act moreÖ
Jane:††††† Precisely.† Besides, I hate myself in a formal dress.
Daria:††††† And everyone else too.
Daria:††††† Never mind.† Iíll tell you what.† You take a few minutes to decompose yourself.† Iíll take care of everything.
Jane:††††† Thanks for being the unflappable one for tonight.
Daria:††††† What are freakiní friends for?
INT:† DINING ROOM
Tom and Ronny are sitting, waiting for Daria and Jane to reappear.
Ronny:††††††† Am I doing something wrong?
Tom:††††† Can you be more specific?
Ronny:††††††† I donít know, she just seems so uncomfortable.† Is it me?
Tom:††††††††† I hope so.† Please donít ask me to explain that.
Ronny:††††††† So, what do I do?
Tom:††††††††† If you want to know what will make Jane happy, what makes her tick, how to show her a good timeÖ
Tom:††††† Believe me, you are asking the wrong guy.
Tom:††††††††† But Iíll give you three things to keep firmly in mind:† One, donít pull her chair out for her.† Two, try not to stare at her legs so much on the first date.† Three, donít take it personally when either she or Daria comes back and ask to leave and go for pizza instead.
Ronny:††††††† But we just got here.
Tom:††††††††† Iíll bet my car that weíre leaving within five minutes.
Ronny:††††† Having seen your car, Iíll put up a fiver.
Tom:††††††††† I think I can make change for that.
Daria:††††† (approaching from behind)† Listen guys, would it be all right if we went somewhere else?† Janeís, um, allergic to capers.
Tom:††††† You know, I was just thinking that the bread doesnít look very fresh.† I think we need to move on.
Ronny:††††† Whereís Jane?
Daria:†††††††† Oh, she needed some fresh air.† She said sheíd meet us outside.
Ronny:††††††† I should go give her my coat.† She might be cold.
Daria and Tom roll their eyes.
EXT:† OUTSIDE CHEZ PIERRE
Tom, Ronny, and Daria all leave the restaurant, and stop short when they see Jane standing there.† Sheís shaken her hair loose, replaced the earrings with her usual three rings in each ear, and applied her usual blood red lipstick.† The overall look is even more enticing than her previous ensemble.
Jane:††††† Letís go find someplace fun.
INT:† DANCE CLUB
The place is fairly well packed.† Off in the corner, the foursome is finding a table.† On stage, an all-girl band is wailing ďWhen Worlds CollideĒ.† The banner says ďMonique and the HarpiesĒ.
Daria:††††† (shouting to be heard) Thatís funny.† She said she was going to start her own band.
Jane:††††† (also shouting)† She did.† Then the Harpies failed, and she took the name back.† Letís get some carbos, Iím starved.
Ronny:††††††† I think weíre a little overdressed.
Jane:††††† Relax, kid.† Fashion isnít as important as some would have you believe. (whistles piercingly) Yo, waiter!† A little service!
Daria:†††††††† Iíd have paid money to see her do that at Chez Pierre.
Jane:††††† Anyway, it suddenly hit me that her idea of how to end the evening was very, very different from mine.† I probably turned about three shades of pink when I realized what she was getting at.
Ronny:††††† Whoa.† So, what happened?
Daria:†††††††† (to Tom) He sounds almost hopeful.
Tom:††††† Quiet, I want to know what happened too.
Jane:†††††††††† I basically showed her the door.† The next day, I discovered that she went straight from my place to our beloved mentorís bed, where she presumably spent the evening trying out new positions.
Daria:††††† You know, you never told me what happened after that.† I canít believe you left it there.
Jane:††††† Thatís another story.† So, Ronny, what did you do this summer?
Ronny:††††† UhÖ I worked at K-mart, actually.
††††††††††††††††† The conversation halts.
Ronny:††††††† I did see someone get nailed for shoplifting, though.
Daria:††††† Really?† Tell us about it, please.
EXT:† JANEíS HOUSE
Ronny is dropping Jane off.† They stay in the car for a moment.
Ronny:††††††† So, I guess this is goodnight.
Jane:††††† Yeah.† I had a decent time.† Sorry things didnít go just like you planned.
Ronny:††††††† Oh, well.† Listen JaneÖ Iím getting the impression that Iím not the guy youíre looking for.
Jane:†††††††††† To be honest, no.
Ronny:††††† Thatís all right.† I donít think I could keep up with you anyway.† I feel like weíve already been on six dates tonight.
Jane:††††† Hey, look on the bright side.† At least this didnít cost you dinner at Chez Pierre.
Ronny:††††† There is that.
††††††††††††††††† Jane gets out.
Jane:††††† Take it easy, kid.
INT:† TOMíS CAR
Tomís dropping Daria off.
Daria:††††† Well, at least that was a slightly less spectacular failure than the last one.
Tom:††††† Hey, thatís only two down.† It might still work.
Daria:†††††††† I know.† And you know what else?† Jane was right.† Throw in a fourth person, even if heís a flake, and things work out much better.
Tom:††††††††† So weíre not doing this for nothing, then.
Daria:††††† Thank God for small favors.† Letís try one off your list next.
Tom:††††† Sure.† Iíll set it all up.† Can I walk you in?
Daria:††††† Nah.† Someone might be watching the front porch.† (she leans over and kisses Tom with gusto)† Itís better this way, donít you think?
Tom:††††††††† Let me check.† (he kisses her with equal enthusiasm)† Yeah, this works for me.
Daria:††††† Well, goodnight.† (she leaves.† Tomís obviously a bit disappointed that she didnít stick around a bit longer.† He turns some light music on the radio and drives off.)
INT:† DARIAíS ROOM
TV:††††††††††† He choked down fifty-seven plates of fish and chips in one sitting Ė and went back for more!† The Lord of the Fries, next, on SickSadWorld!
Jane:†††††††††† So, whoís the next lucky fellow to win a date with Jane?
Daria:††††† Tomís setting this one up.† Tonight at the Zen, eight oíclock.
Jane:††††† Well, you guys donít have to chaperone then.† Spiralís playing tonight.
Daria:††††† Ouch.† I hope they donít scare him away.† Tom said heís a musician.
Jane:††††† Relax.† He probably wonít recognize Mystik Spiral as music.† By the way, can I see the ad he placed?
Daria:†††††††† I thought you might want a little more advance warning this time.† Here it is.
Jane:††††† HmmÖ Single White Male musician seeks artistic, outgoing woman for inspiration.† Thatís it?† I donít know, Iím not that outgoing.
Daria:†††††††† Ted Dewitt-Clinton might disagree with that.
Jane:†††††††††† He needed it, I tell you.† Heíll thank me for it someday.
Daria:†††††††† Just try to get five minutes into your next date without giving him French lessons.
Jane:††††† Fine.† God, I hope this works soon.† Itís been months since I had a decent foot massage.
Daria:††††† Why donít you ask Trent to do it?
Jane:††††† Why donít you kiss your sister?
Daria:††††† (shudders)† Ew.† Point taken.
INT:† THE ZEN
Trent and Jesse are on stage, setting up the equipment.† The place isnít crowded yet, but there are a few early arrivals.† Jane enters and approaches the stage.
Jane:†††††††††† Yo, Trent!
Trent:††††† Hey, Janey.† Whatís going on?
Jane:†††††††††† Iím meeting someone here.† Daria and Tom set it up.
Trent:††††† Blind date, huh?† Cool.† Where is he?
Jane:†††††††††† I just got here, I donít know.† Heís a musician.
Trent:††††† Ouch.† Musicians are bad news, Janey.† Watch yourself around this guy.
Jane:††††† Trent, youíre a musician.
Trent:††††† Thatís why I know so much about them.† Just sit where we can see you from the stage, okay?
Jane:†††††††††† All right, if itíll make you feel better.† But donít scare him away, all right?
††††††††††††††††† Jane goes over to the bar and flags down the bartender.
Jane:†††††††††† Yo, barkeep!
Bartender:††††† You need something?
Jane:†††††††††† Iím looking for someone.† Supposed to meet him here.† His name is (she pulls a paper out of her pocket) Maximillian.
Max:††††† (standing next to her, turns around) Jane?
Jane:††††† Hey, Max.† (pause)† Oh God.† Donít tell meÖ
Max:††††† Wait a second.† Youíre ďJaneĒ?
Jane:†††††††††† If youíre Maximillian.
Jane:††††† Okay, this is awkward.
Max:††††† Look, Jane, ummÖ are you sure Trentís okay with this?
Jane:††††† Max, sit down.† We need to clear a few things up..
Max:††††† Sure.† Er, should I buy you a drink?
They go sit down.
Time passes while Jane clears a few things up.
Jane:†††††††††† So anyway, thatís the whole story.† Daria and Tom are trying to find me a boyfriend, and Tom didnít know I already knew you.
Max:††††† Thatís cool, I guess.† (seems a little down)
Jane:††††† Look, Max, Iím sure youíll find someone.† Someday.† Well, mostly sure.
Max:††††† Yeah.† (raises an eyebrow)† Say, Jane, I just had a thoughtÖ
Jane:††††† Hold that thought.† It would just be too weird, Max.
Max:††††† Yeah, I guess youíre right.† Besides, I know you only have eyes for Jesse.
Jane:††††† Where the hell did you get that idea from?† Never mind, I donít think I want to know.† Look, the bandís ready to start.† Go up there and drum something.† Iíll stay and watch, and applaud just for you.† Itíll be kind of like a date.
Max:††††† (brightens) Really?† Thanks, Janey!
Jane:††††† Trent calls me that.† You do not.
Max:††††† (sheepish) Yes, maíam.
Janeís at a restaurant with some guy.† Heís trying to amuse her by folding napkins into various shapes.† Jane looks over at Daria, across the restaurant, and makes a slashing motion.†† Daria crosses a name off her list.
Jane and her next date are at the theater, watching a play.† Everyone stands up and applauds at one point, whereupon Jane takes off her headphones and joins in.† She settles back in with the headphones before everyone else sits down.
Out jogging with her next date, Jane doesnít notice when he collapses and falls to all fours, completely out of breath.† When she does look back, she just shrugs and runs on ahead.
Janeís at the Zen with another date.† Heís talking to her, sheís not really that interested.† When he leans forward and whisperes in her ear, her eyes go wide, then angry.† Without a word, she pours the entire contents of a beer pitcher into his lap and walks off.† The guy starts to go after her, but finds himself face to face with the members of Mystik Spiral.† Jesse cracks his knuckles a few times.† Sheepishly, the guy sits back down.
Overlooking the beach at sunset, Jane paints the landscape while the guy next to her shoots photographs.† He pauses for a moment to looks at her canvas.† Shaking his head, he points to various features of the landscape and then at her canvas.† The look of disapproval on his face turns to mild surprise when Jane paints a bright red stripe down his nose, then returns to her work.
A guy drops Jane off at her house.† She gets out of the car even as he leans over for what he thought would be a goodnight kiss, only to plant his face on the passenger seat.† Jane doesnít even look back.
INT:† PIZZA KING
Tom and Daria are sitting together.† Daria looks depressed.
Daria:††††† After all that, weíre right back where we started.
Tom:††††† Look, Daria, we did our best.† Jane knows itís not your fault.† Sheís just not someone who can meet someone else that way.† Jane needs to do things more spontaneously, and a blind date just isnít good for that.
Daria:†††††††† I donít know why I ever thought this would work.† No, thatís not true.† I knew it wouldnít work from the start.† I donít know why I thought that wouldnít matter in the end.
Tom:††††††††† Call me crazy, but I think you might have had a brief bout with Optimism.
Daria:††††† You never think itíll happen to you.† Itís always someone else.
Jane:††††† (entering) Hola, friends.† Whatís up?
Daria:††††† You seem happy.† Whatís wrong?
Jane:††††† Nothing.† I just thought Iíd join you for pizza.
Daria:††††† Jane, you donít have to pretend everythingís all right.† Thatís worse than genuine awkwardness.
Jane:††††† Whoís pretending?† I found a fourth for our group.
Tom:††††† Really?† Where is he?
Jane:††††† Right here.
††††††††††††††††† (Trent walks in)
Trent:††††† Hey, Tom.† Hey, Daria.
Jane:††††† Trent.† Come on, itís perfect.† He gets along with all three of us, he likes pizza, and he has a car so we can split up afterward if we want to.
Trent:††††† Besides, getting up by three oíclock every day will be good for me.† Iíve been sleeping a little too much lately.
Daria:†††††††† I have no idea what to say to that.† There are just so many possible responses.
Trent:††††† (laughs, coughs)† Thatís funny, Daria.
Jane:††††† See?† This is great.† And, thereís no danger that heíll decide he wants to be someone elseís brother.
Tom:††††† (shifts uncomfortably) UmmÖ
Jane:†††††††††† Oh Tom, you big lug, get over here.
††††††††††††††††† Tom stands up and walks over to Jane, who hugs him.
Jane:†††††††††† Just to show that any hard feelings are in the past.
Tom:††††† Thanks, Jane.
Jane:††††† (whispers in his ear)† Donít you dare break her heart.† (breaks hug)† All right, whoís for pizza?
The foursome sits down.† Conversation goes on.
INT:† DARIAíS LIVING ROOM
Tom and Daria sit on the couch, watching TV.
Daria:††††† You know, I think this might actually work out.
Tom:††††† Thereís that optimism again.† You really should have that looked at.
Daria:†††††††† Oh, Iím under no illusions that everything is now peachy keen.† Trentís not the ideal solution, and Janeís still a little tense, even though she said all was forgiven.† But itís better than before.
Tom:††††† Speaking of tense, you look stiff as a board.
Daria:†††††††† I know.† After all this, I kind of find it hard to relax.
Tom:††††††††† I have a great way for you to relax.† Here, take off your shoes.
Daria:††††† (blushes) Um, okay
Tom:††††††††† Let me just get your feet in my lapÖ
††††††††††††††††† Close up on Dariaís face Ė sheís still blushing, and looks a bit nervous.† After a moment, she smiles, closes her eyes, and sinks back onto the arm of the sofa.
Daria:††††† MmmmmmmmmmmÖ (voiceover)† Jane, you are sooo rightÖ
ROLL END CREDITS AND ALTER EGOS
As usual, Iíll keep these as brief as I can.
Since there are those who donít like to read through end notes, Iíll put this information here:
Comments, questions, scathing reviews?† Dare I say it, fan art based on this story?† (I canít draw)† Contact me here:† mailto:MikeYamiolkoski@cs.com
Among his many eccentricities, Howard Hughes collected his own urine and saved it in jars.
†ďSanta Claus Conquers the MartiansĒ is a real movie, and an astonishingly bad one.† The most significant thing about it is that itís Pia Zadoraís big-screen debut.
Incidentally, I know perfectly well that the Pizza Delivery Kidís name is ďArtieĒ.† I just donít think Daria and Jane would bother to commit his name to memory.
Although Ted has seen Jane before in ďThe New KidĒ they were never actually introduced.† And, he canít know her that well, if he saw Daria and Tom during ďI Loathe a ParadeĒ and assumed they were a couple.† I set them up together because, having done a little mini-version of the compatibility test with the known Lawndale characters, I determined that they really were the closest match as far as interests go.† Scary, isnít it?
I did some minimal research on Francisco de Goya.† He does indeed have a painting called ďBlind Man being Tossed by BullĒ and was influenced by Rembrandt and Velazquez.
I ended up quoting a lot more lines in previous episodes than originally planned Ė there just seemed to be so many situations that reminded me of something that went before.† Once again, Iím not going to footnote them, but I will list some of the episodes that were referred to:
ďIs It Fall Yet?Ē (obviously)
ďDye, Dye my DarlingĒ
ďDaria Dance PartyĒ
ďThe Lawndale FilesĒ
ďThrough a Lens, DarklyĒ
ďThe New KidĒ
And, I promised no references to other fanfics, but there is one very subtle one.† For the rest of the story regarding Allison at the Art Colony, check out ďSeeing Things ThroughĒ by Renfeld.† Itís a good read.
My wife Rachel, who read the first draft and sent it back dripping in blood.
The webmasters who posted this story Ė whomever they are.
All the people at MTV who made Daria possible.
Disclaimer:† Daria, et. al., are not my creations.† They belong to MTV.† Iím just borrowing them for a bit.
This story, with its words chosen exactly so and put together in the proper order, is my creation, © 2001 by Mike Yamiolkoski, and may only be distributed in its entirety with the above information, name of the author, and E-mail address of the author intact.