IRONY CHEF

While I ain't sure what Iron Chef is the registered trademark
of, I know Daria (& all related indica) is the trademark of
MTV & Viacom, whatever you like it or not, eh?

(Our story begins with the standard Iron Chef intro--
and Chairman Kaga biting into a bell pepper--and the following
voice over:)

Kenji Fuku: What new innovations will the challenger bring
to the Stadium today? And how will the Iron Chef fight back?
The heat will be on!!

(The scene changes to the typical activity in Lawndale, starting
with Lawndale High, while Chairman Kaga does the voice over)

Kaga: If memory serves me right, I did a spur of the moment
survey on Americans with hidden talents in cooking. By
coincidence, the town that had the most people per capita
with that such talent, was an obscure place called Lawndale.
During that time, its high school, Lawndale High, which was
run by its principal, Angela Li, was running a charity cooking
contest for, according to Miss Li, "the glory of Laaaawndale
High."  One of its students in particular, was what a handful
of people called a brain, a geek a cynic and, in their
words, a "Misery Chick"--and Daria Morgendorffer was her
name. At first, she seemed to be the most unlikely sort to
create unique cuisine, but with help from her friend Jane
Lane and her boyfriend Tom Sloane, she surprised even herself
when she created a dessert known as Chocolate Treasure.
I soon later learned that she favored Italian food from a
local Italian restraunt, as well as a place known as The Pizza
King. It seemed that with that kind of taste for all things
Italian, Miss Morgendorffer would be a challenge for one
of our Iron Chefs.

(The scene changes to Daria at The Pizza King.)

Daria: Me a chef? That just wasn't my bag at first, but with
Jane's Yenta, Tom's love for me and my mom bribing me
$250 bucks, I figured, what the hey? 'Sides, it beats the
pizza ingredients used at The Pizza King.

(The next scene shows Daria making a cheese sandwich.)

Kaga (voice over): Now, Daria!! The time's come to prove
to the world, my Gourmet Academy, and even MTV, you're
more than just a misery chick!! We'll see if your famous, if not
sarcastic brains, can stand a chance against one of my Iron
Chefs!!

(Inside the Kitchen Stadium, Chairman Kaga steps inside.)

Kaga: Tonight is a rare treat, in Iron Chef history. An
American, that claims she never had any restraunt experience,
is unpopular on account of her cynicism, and is called The
Misery Chick. An unusual challenger indeed, yet I believe
she may carry some hidden talent to test on our Iron Chefs.
Is she truly MTV's Misery Chick, or a real talent in disguise?
With that in mind, let's bring her on. From the town of
Lawndale, in The United States, let's welcome MTV's
doomsday diva, Daria Morgendorffer!!

(Daria enters, with some of her fellow Lawndalians--Jane,
Tom, Trent, Jesse, Nick, Max, Monique, Mack, Jodie,
Kevin and Brittany--in tow; Tom and Jane follow Daria to
meet with Kaga while the rest take their places in The
Royal Box. From there, Jane acts as translator for Daria's
native english and Kaga's native Japanese for the following:)

Kaga: Welcome. It's an honor for a super star from the famed
MTV to be here.

Daria: More like super suck. I only came becaue my mom
bribed me $250 bucks to be here--and $250 bucks is all I
need for that new DVD ROM drive.

Kaga: But just how talented can you be in cooking? I heard
that Italian is your specialty, which you inherited from
your father Jake.

Daria: It's all he makes, since it's mostly lasanga. Well that
and spaghetti. I guess a lot had to do with his old man, Mad
Dog Morgendorffer who claimed Dad could never cook like
he did.

Kaga: What a shame. Just the same, let's see if there may
BE any talent inherited from the legendary Jake
Morgendorffer. (gestures to a high stage) I summon
The Iron Chefs!!

(From hidden elevator platforms, the four Iron Chefs ascend
while the announcer talks.)

Kenji Fuku: Into Kitchen Stadium, ascend The Iron Chefs,
the superior masters of cooking!! First is Iron Chef French
Hiroyuki Sakai, Iron Chef Japanese Roksaburo Michiba,
Iron Chef Chinese Chen Kenichi and Iron Chef Italian
Masahiko Kobe. It seems they've got their work cut out
for them.

Kaga: I should know better, but which one do you choose?

Daria: Um......now that you brought up the subject of Italian
food, I think I'll go with the Italian dude.

Kenji Fuku: So it seems Daria just chose Iron Chef Italian
Kobe, whose reputation for Italian cuisine is second to none.
Having bested his fellow Iron Chefs on occasion, it's no hype
that Kobe sama is THE undisputed king of Italian food in Japan.
Will our bespecticled heroine finally meet her match?

(We see Kaga next to a table covered with a cloth.)

Kaga: The fact we're dealing with Italian food, it seems fitting
I should choose THE icon of Italian dining that no run of the mill
chef should be without!! With that in mind, we unveil the
ingredient!!

(Pulling the cloth off the table, Kaga reveals a pile of huge ripe
tomatoes.)

Kaga: Today's ingredient is........TOMATOES.

(The scene changes to one of Lawndale's Italian restraunts, where
we see a pile of tomatoes in a kitchen.)

Kaga: If memory serves me right, I once stated that you just can't
think of Italian cuisine without tomatoes, since they can be crushed
to make sauce for pizza, spaghetti, and so forth, used in a salad,
and in some cases, be used as a weapon for someone to throw at
a lousy performer in a show.....you get the idea, I hope.

Kenji Fuku: So in Kitchen Stadium today, it's Daria Morgendorffer,
MTV's doom and gloom diva, VS. Iron Chef Italian Masahiko Kobe.
It's going to be tough to determine who's likely to win such a
challenge despite Kobe's unique skills and Miss Morgendorffer's
brain tatics.

Kaga: ALLEZ CUISINE!!!!

(The opening gong sounds.)

Kenji Fuku: And there's the opening gong that sounds the
fintie time required for Daria and Kobe sama to work
with while they head to the tomato pile. Kobe sama is
readying his share of tomatoes for the first dish, pizza, while
Daria is already preparing hers in a rather unorthodox way.

(We see Daria stomp in a wooden tub of tomatoes, turning
them into liquid, while Jane and Tom ready a rolled out pizza
dough; using a strainer, Daria pours the sauce onto it.)

Jane: I hope you used clean boots.

Daria: I've got Tom cleaning them now.

Tom: But boy, is it going to be a BEAR to clean out those
stains!!

(Meanwhile, we see Kenji along with his panel at a
table nearby, with Kurimoto, Keiko Saito and
Tenmei Kanoh.)

Kenji: Now that we got the battle started, let's take a moment
to introduce our panel. You know me as commentator
Kenji Fuku; with me is Kurimoto, Keiko Saito and
Tenmei Kanoh (to Kurimoto):  So what do you think is
likely to be the winner?
Kurimoto: The way I see it, We know our Iron Chefs always
win, but I got money bet on Daria.
Kenji: No accounting for tastes. (to Keiko) Did you see the way
Daria used her Doc Martins to crush those tomatoes?
Keiko: I should say so. Her methods can be so unorthodox
when compared with the traditions used by Kobe sama.
Tenmei: How much you wanna bet she'll leave tomato stains
afterwards?
Kenji: I know her boyfriend's cleaning them now.
Kurimoto: What happened to his goatee and tattoos?
Kenji: What? Oh, you think that is Trent Lane? No, it's Tom
Sloane you see. Trent's in The Royal Box, engaged to
Monique.
Keiko: I always liked Daria and Tom shippers better than
Daria and Trent shippers.
Ohta: Fuki san!!
Kenji: What, Ohta?
Ohta: Morgendorffer san just decorated the pizza wiith
pepperoni and placed it in the oven, and now she's
working on the next thing, which is spaghetti.
Kenji: Ah, that classic staple.
Ohta: She's placed the last of her sauce aside, and is preparing
the ground beef.

(While Jane redies the spaghetti noodles, Daria is talking with Tom
while sprinkling Emeril's seasoning spices.)

Tom: So that is how your pop makes the taste of those dinners so
great.
Daria: Yup--all I do is kick it up a notch--BAM!! But the real secret
is that those spices should dance all 'round the meat.
Tom: You don't want no spaghetti--you want a dance party.
Daria: Not just a dance party--a Daria Dance Party.
Jane: Boy, what a shameless plug.
Ohta (to Kenji): Fuki san, Morgendorffer san is using Emeril's spices.
Kenji: Impressive!! Most impressive.......!!
Ohta: Back to you.

(Meanwhile Kobe is using the tomatoes in different sized wedges in
a Alfredo dish, pouring some of his sauce from his crushed tomatoes
over it. From there, he prepares an Italian shrimp dish.)

Kenji: Seems Daria may be overshadowed, judging from the dishes Kobe
san is making--an Alfredo along with an Italian shrimp surprise.
Kobe: Stick around, minna san--I got more surprises up my sleeve.
Kurimoto: Daria's got a tough act to follow.
Keiko: She's had it.
Tenmei: Well, I don't know.....

(Back at Daria's section, we see her, Jane and Tom prepare another dish--
the famous lasanga meal famous on the Daria show.)

Kenji: So it seems Daria's finally gotten around to the lasanga that made her
show famous.
Keiko: 'Bout time she did.
Kurimoto: Daria just ain't Daria without lasanga, you know that.
Tenmei: Just another typical cliche.
Announcer: 15 minutes remaining.
Ohta: Fuki san!!
Kenji: Wassup?
Ohta: Daria's making her lasanga dish.
Kenji: We know that.
Keiko: How 'bout that? Seems the artistry talent her friend Jane possesses
must've rubbed off on The Mystery Chick.
Kurimoto: So it would seem.
Tenmei: It seems there MAY be more than meets the eye.
Ohta: Back to you, Fuki san.

(Time passes, with Daria and Iron Chef Italian Kobe finishing up, with the
countdown nearing its end.)

Announcer: 30 seconds remain.

Kenji: It's down to the wire, with Daria and Kobe sama finishing up.
Keiko: Hoo-ray.
Kurimoto: It'll be anyone's guess who's likely to win it.
Kenji: And I say it'll be Kobe sama that wins it.
Keiko: I don't know--even Iron Chefs can have a bad day.
Kenji: But The Iron Chefs, they're SUPPOSED to win, you know that.
Tenmei: AAAA-MEN!!
Ohta: Fuki san!!
Kenji: What?
Ohta: Daria just finished the lasanga, 2.3 seconds before Kobe sama did
his last dish.
Kenji: No kiddin'?
Announcer: 12 seconds, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, ZERO!!

(The gong sounds, finishing the challenge.)

Kenji: And not another moment so soon. There's the gong, meaning the battle
is over--or words to that effect.

(Ohta is seen with Daria, while Jane translates.)

Ohta: How do you think your dishes turned out?
Daria: What can I say? I just used good 'ol Daria stereotyped food.
Ohta: Do you think you can win?
Daria: Not likely. Everyone knows The Iron Chefs always win.
Ohta: Deja vu.
Daria (continued): Besides, winning would hurt my image as a cynic.
Ohta: Whatever.

(Ohta heads over to Kobe for his interview.)

Ohta: So, Kobe sama, you think you did your best in these dishes?
Kobe: Well.......why not? I got a reputation to protect, and I think I
did well, to say the least.
Ohta: Guess that shouldn't be a problem. How do you think your
dishes turned out?
Kobe: The fact I strive to try some new methods, I'd say  I'd
stand a chance of winning, just like all Iron Chefs do.
Ohta: Good luck then.

Kenji: Today Challenger Daria Morgendorffer presents 3 dishes--
spaghetti, with Emeril's spices, pasta boiled with olive oil, and
sauce made with crushed tomatoes, pizza with dough made with
1200% New York water, pepperoni and crushed tomato sauce
and the all important mozzerella cheese, and onion bits, and
the classic Daria staple, lasanga with the last of the sauce from--
oh, you know.
The Iron Chef counters with 4 dishes staing with pizza, done
in a similar way like Daria's, but with ginseng sprinkles, a
few natural onion herbs from shallots and chives, Alfredo,
with cheese to go with the sauce, a salad with Romaine,
 tomato bits mixed with oil and vinegar, and a tomato sauce
mixed with oil, vinegar, and a blend of rare Italian herbs for
a shrimp suprise.
Today, in Kitchen Staduim, we had MTV's Misery Chick, Daria
Morgendorffer, take on Iron Chef Italian, Masahiko Kobe--
and all just to get a DVD ROM drive for her computer.
Chairman Kaga revealed the ingredient, tomatoes--
which was familiar territory for Daria, who turned out 3 dishes,
and Kobe san who turned out 4. And now, the moment of
truth, tasting and judgment, starting with Daria's dishes.
Today on the panel, we have Kurimoto, Keiko Saito, Tenmei
Kanoh, and two--ugh--dim bulbed dudes from Highland,
Texas, also in The States, Beavis and Butt Head.
Daria: Oh--------------no......!!

(We see, at a long table, Kaga, the panel itself, and Beavis
and Butt Head as well, to a dismayed Daria and Jane.)

Beavis: Hey, Butt Head, it's Diarrhea!!
Butt Head: Cool!! Huh, huh, huh, huh!!
Daria: Why me.....?
Beavis & Butt Head: Diarrhea, cha, cha, cha!! Diarrhea,
cha, cha, cha!!
Daria (testily): Just taste my food, OK?!?

(Indeed Beavis and Butt Head do just that--and so do
Kaga and the rest of the panel.)

Beavis: Huh, huh, huh, huh, that pizza, like, rules, an' stuff.
Butt Head: So does the spaghetti....huh, huh, huh, huh.
Ditto the lasanga!!
Keiko: I am definitely hooked on the spaghetti and pizza......
and I can see why that lasanga is so popular on Daria's
show!!
Kurimoto: It's got to be those spices Emeril uses--all
the food here is earmarked for an A+.
Tenmei: Not bad for an American cynic.
Kaga: For an American, she can be quite cultivated.
Daria (after Jane translates): Uh....thanks.

(Now it's Kobe's turn to present his dishes to the
panel, who eat of its food fare.)

Kaga: A unique blend of tastes from the alfredo;
it's not as good as the challenger's dishes, but
still good.
Kobe: Least I try hard at it.
Kurimoto: Salad's good. Ditto with the shrimp.
Tenmei: I like the pizza, it's got that something....
but I like Daria's better.
Keiko: Spagehtti's just so good. But it's got to be
those Emeril spices Daria uses.
Kobe: Next time, I got to remember that.
Kaga: Take note: next time, use Emeril Lagasse's
spices--and Daria's lasanga.
Beavis: Hey Butt Head--that food here sucks.
Butt Head: Huh, huh, huh, huh, that sucks, it
sucks.
Beavis: It sucks, it sucks!!
Butt Head: Like, I like Diarrhea's food better.
Kenji (sighs): Oh well. Maybe Keiko san was right--
that even Iron Chefs have a bad day. Maybe not.
So with that in mind, we await for the verdict, in
a few moments.

(After a commercial, Kaga and the panel arrive
from their voting room.)

Kaga: Today, we chose an American with some
hidden talents to take on one of our Iron Chefs--
an American that was born cynical, yet with brains,
and is the darling of MTV. For someone that sees life
as a sick sad world, she had some unique talent, but
can it stand a chance against the world famous talent
of Iron Chef Masahiko Kobe? With that in mind, here's
the verdict.
Kenji: Stand a chance indeed!! The tomato, THE icon
of Italian cooking, was used today in quite a battle
twixt Iron Chef Masahiko Kobe and The Misery Chick
aka Daria Morgendorffer!! Talk of the oddest couple,
for sure!! Who takes it? Whose cusine reigns
supreme?
Kaga (after a pause): DARIA MORGENDORFFER!!!!
Kenji: Shades of Davey VS Goliath!! It's Daria
Morgendorffer, who up and bested the daylights out
of Kobe san!! Seems like I owe Saito san an apology.
Anyhow, lets check the scores:
                Keiko  Kurimoto Tenmei Beavis Butt Head
Challenger: 24     36           48       60       72
Iron Chef:    5      10            15       20       25
So, for a misery chick, Miss Daria Morgendorffer does
possess hidden talents in amazing cusine!! We present
our winner, Daria Morgendorffer!!
Jane: It's got to be that lasanga, for sure.
Tom: That, plus Emeril's spices.
Daria (deadpan): Hoo-ray.Now I can get my new DVDROM
drive.

(Soon after that, the scene changes to the credits and the
alter egos of the characters--Brittany as Shakira, Kevin as
a Mexican bandito, Mack as Final Fantasy VII's Barret Wallace,
Jodie as a window washer, Monique and Mystik Sprial as Devo,
imitating the cover of their 1980 album, Freedom Of Choice,
Tom as a newspaper boy on a bike, Jane as Tonya Harding, and
Daria as an Aztec huntress--while The Vapors' Turning Japanese
plays.)

OWARI (THE END)