FOREWORD: Okay, before you start reading there are a couple of things you should
know: First of all - I don't live in the US. I live in Finland. This results in
(at least) three things:
1) My language skills. Although I have done my best to avoid raping the
language, there will undoubtedly be errors in the text. Furthermore even when
there aren't any errors, the language will probably be less smooth than it would
be, was it written by someone whose native language was English. This is a loss,
I know, but I can only regret it, and ask you to bear with me.
2) My knowledge of US culture. I don't know a whole lot about for instance the
US school system etc. There are a lot of details about every day life that I
have no way of knowing, and this limits my scope.
3) You are way ahead in the airings. In Finland we've only seen two seasons so
far, therefor keep in mind that this story takes place *before* season three.
(Yeah, I know - there are transcripts of all the episodes on the Internet, but
you see I don't want to spoil the fun by knowing too much about the new episodes
in advance.)

This is my second fanfic. (The first one being "End weekend, end".) A big thank
you, to everyone who sent me feedback on that one. I would probably never have
written this 'fic if I hadn't got any feedback. And of course I am grateful for
any feedback I might receive on this story as well.

One more thing. I've tried to keep everything as real as possible and I've
tried to write the story in such a way that the reader, with the help of
his/her imagination could create the illusion of actually watching a real
"Daria"-episode.

Now I guess that was about it, let the show begin...

                                    Daria
                                      in
                              "Hotter than Hades"
                         by Daniel Suni (c) November 1999

BEGIN ACT 1.

EXT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. THURSDAY MORNING.

(Schoolbell rings)

CUT TO:
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. MRS. BENNETT'S CLASS

(Mrs. Bennett is in the middle of creating one of her infamous ball-and-arrow-
diagrams.)

MRS BENNETT: ...and so you see, this is how the *flow* impacts on the forces
of the market in general. Any questions? (Pauses. There is no response.) Good.
Now, let's proceed. If you remember, last time I explained that economics is a
bit like a train moving on its track... (fade her voice into the background)

CUT TO:
(Shot of Daria and Jane. Jodie is also seen on the row behind them.)

DARIA: A runaway train on a one way track to hell.

JANE: Yeah, so why even bother?

(At this point Jodie seems to catch interest in the conversation.)

DARIA: (Smirks.) What's the point in working your ass off in the engine
shovelling coal when you can be a social welfare bum riding business class,
parasiting on a system you don't believe in and let a bunch of overly
ambitious people do all the hard work?

JANE: I love economics.

ZOOM TO:
(Jodie's face as it gets a serious expression. Then---)

DISSOLVE TO:
(Jodie's fantasy.)

INT.: AN APARTMENT SOMEWHERE.

(The apartment is very sparsely decorated. There is basically just a bed that
hasn't been made for quite a while, a phone and a TV. There is also some
scattered junk, (but it's still not like Trent's room.) On the bed we see a
maybe five years older and at least 20 pounds heavier Jodie eating potato chips.
The phone rings and she picks it up.)

JODIE: Jodie Landon speaking.

(Cut screen: Jodie/Andrew)

ANDREW: Hi honey. I just called to check in on you...

JODIE: Hi dad. I'm doing just fine. (Shoves a handful of chips into her mouth.)
[Thought V.O.]: If you ask me about my studies I swear you'll regret it.

ANDREW: And how are your studies going?

JODIE: (Gets a hostile expression.) To tell you the truth - they're not. In fact
I haven't done a single class since I got to college, and that's why they threw
me out two weeks ago... But that's okay. You see I've found this lovely loophole
in the law that allows me to be on welfare without doing *anything*. All I have
to do is pretend to be looking for a job. (Pause. Gets an evil smirk.) It looks
like I've found myself a new career...

(A few seconds of awkward silence...)

ANDREW: (Looking quite upset. Chuckles nervously.) You're kidding - right?

JODIE: Absolutely not. I've done nothing for the past two weeks but watched
television and eaten chips. (Grabs another mouthful, and munches loudly into
the phone. Continues with her mouth still full.) You cam cavl the scool ihh you
dom't believe me.

ANDREW: (Gasps.) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! (As he yells his
body rapidly dries up until he looks like a five thousand year old Egyptian
mummy. Then he explodes into a cloud of dust.)

DISSOLVE BACK TO:
(Real Jodie. She is now wearing what appears to be a very satisfied smile.)

MRS BENNETT: (Still obsessed with her diagram, which now has expanded to a point
way beyond lunacy.) ...and this is what the economists mean when they talk about
GNP...

JANE: (To Daria.) Do all economists use drugs?

MRS BENNETT: ...not that the GNP can be used as a *direct* measure of economic
growth of course, but that's a whole different topic.

DARIA: (To Jane.) Is it just me, or is it hot in here?

(She picked a poor moment to speak. Mrs. Bennett was just pausing, and the class
in general was pretty quiet.)

MRS BENNETT: (To Daria with a slightly admonishing voice.) Well, that really
doesn't have anything to do with economics Miss Morgendorffer. (Pauses. Looks
like she notices something.) But you *are* right. It *is* quite hot in here.
(Mutters to herself.) If only Miss Li would have followed my advice and put the
money on air conditioning instead of hiring extra guards, but noooo. (Voice gets
slightly ironic.) The school, after all is usually closed in the summer, and the
slackers who have to make up classes in the summer don't deserve air
conditioning anyway.

DARIA: Well, *there's* an interesting lesson in applied economics.

MRS BENNETT: Well, anyway. Let's get back to where we were...

DARIA: (To Jane. Very quiet this time.) Never-never-land.

CUT TO:
INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH CAFETERIA

(Daria and Jane are sitting at their usual places. They both seem uncomfortable
with something.)

DARIA: This is getting worse all the time.

JANE: Yeah. I heard something about a warm front on the radio yesterday, but
this is ridiculous.

DARIA: I know. It's supposed to be fall right now, but the temperature is like
in mid July.

JANE: I overheard someone talk about eighty-two degrees in the shade and rising.

DARIA: (Gets a really uncomfortable look.) We have gym class after this.

JANE: Perhaps Miss Morris will cut us some slack because of the weather.

(Both look at each other for a second.)

DARIA & JANE: We're screwed.

(Sound of gym teachers whistle.)

CUT TO:
EXT.: RUNNING TRACK. GIRL'S GYM CLASS

(Most of the girls are standing in a row. The ones who aren't are heading
for it. Daria and Jane seem to be the most reluctant ones. Ms. Morris is
walking back and forth in front of the row like an army colonel.)

DARIA: (Deadpan.) We have reached the outpost of Death. My soul is puking.

(Jane looks at her and cocks a questioning eyebrow.)

DARIA: (Explanatory.) Harry Bukowski.

(They get into the row with the others.)

MS MORRIS: All right, girls! Today we will take something called the "Cooper
test". You can think of it as a gym surprise quiz if you want to. (Chuckles a
bit.) I know the weather is hot today, but that will not bother us.

DARIA: (To Jane. Real quiet.) Why doesn't she just speak for herself?

MS MORRIS: The Cooper test means that you will run as far as you can in twelve
minutes. And, oh yeah - I almost forgot. (Turns to Daria and Jane.) Should I
notice that *anyone* isn't trying hard enough, *everyone* will do this again
*until we get it right*.

DARIA: Could we have five minutes to make a last will and testament before we
get started on this courageous suicide mission, to show the world that we are
ready to endure anything in order to prove absolutely nothing?

MS MORRIS: (Hostile.) Very funny. NOW LINE UP EVERYONE! (Blows her whistle very
close to Daria's ear.)

(Everyone lines up on the track.)

DARIA: (To Jane.) If I don't make it - promise me you will avenge my death.
(pause) Or at least make her eat her whistle.

JANE: Hey, I'm in just as bad a position as you are.

(Daria gives her a "huh?"-look.)

JANE: I've been on the track team. She knows what I'm capable of.

DARIA: We're done for.

MS MORRIS: READY?! ... GET SET! ... (Blows her whistle.[*] Everybody start
running.)

[*] Do the gym teachers in the US love their whistles as much as they do here?

DARIA: (To Jane, as they run side by side.) Any chance of getting out by faking
a knee injury?

JANE: For some reason I doubt she'd buy that.

DARIA: Drop to the ground and fake dead?

(Jane just smirks.)

DARIA: (Already puffing and blowing.) Hey, you go ahead. I can't keep up this
pace for twelve minutes.

JANE: Okay.

CUT TO:
(View of entire track. Jane is the fastest runner, Daria the slowest.)

FADE TO:
(Same view in the near future. The pace is slower. Jane is closing in on Daria.)

CUT TO:
(Daria and Jane side by side. Both have major difficulties talking, sweat
floods, and generally look like s**t.)

DARIA: You're already three laps ahead of me. Can't you give it a rest?

JANE: Do you have the time? I'm about ready to throw up.

DARIA: (Checks her watch.) One more minute.

JANE: Thanks. (Runs past Daria.)

CUT TO:
(Ms. Morris blowing her whistle.)

MS MORRIS: NOW EVERYONE STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE! I'LL GO AROUND AND TAKE THE
RESULTS! That wasn't so bad was it?

(Zoom out to reveal that all the girls are lying flat on their backs catching
their breaths. Ms. Morris walks up to Jane who's closest.)

MS MORRIS: Three thousand and fifty yards. I know you can do better than that
Miss Lane.

JANE: (Still catching her breath.) Not under these circumstances.

(Ms. Morris just mutters something and scribbles something in a notebook. She
then starts walking along the track getting each and everyone's result.)

(Time lapse effect => Daria who's last. She's still lying flat on the ground.)

CUT TO:
(Daria's POV)
(We see Jane (still looking quite exhausted, though) standing over her.)

DARIA: I think my soul just left my body.

(Ms. Morris appears into view.)

DARIA: AAGH! We're in hell!

CUT TO:
(Normal view.)

JANE: (Smiling, to Ms. Morris) Sarcasm. (pause) She'll live.

(Ms. Morris frowns.)

CUT TO:
INT.: LANE RESIDENCE. JANE'S ROOM.

(Daria and Jane are sitting at Jane's bed.)

JANE: If she ever pulls something like that again, I'm going to report her to
the Amnesty International.

DARIA: Come, on. She's a gym teacher. She's exempt from the UN's human rights
resolution.

JANE: Aah, yes. Gym is needed, just in case school isn't depressive enough for
some students.

DARIA: Nothing works as well as a foundation for society, as the gravel of a
million young crushed spirits. (pause. Realises something.) Hey, we're missing
the show!

(Jane grabs the remote and turns on the TV.)
(On the TV it's night. Two choppers with powerful spotlights are hovering in the
background. We also see a lot of policemen with German shepherds. They all
appear to be searching the area. In the foreground we see a reporter and a
middle aged man.)

REPORTER: So, Mister Nabb, could you explain to our viewers what happened?

MR NABB: (Seems embarrassed.) Well... I'm not sure that...

REPORTER: Mister Nabb, you are the head of the New Springs Memorial Hospital
for alzheimer patients, is that right?

MR NABB: Well yes, but...

REPORTER: And is it true that all these people (Makes a gesture toward the
policemen.) are currently searching the woods for the patients of your hospital?

MR NABB: (Looking very nervous.) Yes, b-b-but they've found most of them
already.

REPORTER: Would you be so kind as to repeat to our viewers what you just
told me.

MR NABB: (Gives the camera a frightened look.) Well, last August a new law was
passed that states that a hospital must provide the patients with "physically
and mentally stimulating outdoor activities" at least once a month. And... Uh.

REPORTER: And you did what, about this?

MR NABB: And this month we arranged an orienteering for them. They seemed to
really like it but... (His voice fails him.)

REPORTER: Thank you Mister Nabb. (Turns to camera.) Now don't go anywhere.
We have another interview with the chief police coming up on this Sick Sad
World exclusive, right after these messages.

(Show SSW logo.)

ZOOM OUT:
(To reveal that we are now in the living room of the Gupties. Tad and Tricia
have also been watching SSW.)

TAD: Alzheimer orienteering. *Cool*!

(Footsteps are heard. Tricia quickly grabs the remote and turns on the forecast
channel.)

VOICE FROM TV:...and the for the season extremely unusual warm front shows no
signs of moving anywhere within the next few days.

(Mrs. Gupty walks in.)

TAD: (To Tricia.) I'm telling you. This is the result of the greenhouse effect.

TRICIA: We can't be sure of that yet. There isn't enough statistical data to
support that kind of a conclusion at this stage.

TAD: Hi mom!

MRS GUPTY: Hi kids. (Looks at them, and at the TV. She seems pleased.) Well, you
just keep up your interesting discussion. (Walks off.)

TAD & TRICIA: Yes, mom. (They wait a few seconds, then Tricia switches back to
SSW.)

CUT TO:

EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. EARLY EVENING.
(Daria is just walking up to the front door. As she enters---)

CUT TO:

INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. KITCHEN.

(Jake, Helen & Quinn are seated at the table.)

JAKE: I didn't even notice how hot it was until I left the office. I can't
recall a fall with temperatures like these, since that one year at the
academy...

HELEN: Yes, it's quite extreme. We've already got nine cases that are somehow
connected to heat or air conditioning. (Sly smirk.) Hope this weather keeps up,
it's good for business.

DARIA: (Standing in the background, not speaking to anyone in particular.
Deadpan voice.) How cute. My entire family is gathered, and they're discussing
*the weather*. (Starts walking upstairs.)

(The phone rings and Quinn picks it up. In the meantime Daria manages to
disappear to her room undetected.)

QUINN: Hello... Uh-huh... What!? Okay... I see... Of course. I'll be right
over. (Hangs up. Gets up and starts leaving.) Gotta go. Fashion club emergency.

JAKE: But I thought we were supposed to have a family dinner. It's almost ready.
(Microwave beeps.) See?

QUINN: Dad. I said *emergency*. (Disappears. We hear the door slamming.)

JAKE: (Checks his watch.) And where is Daria? She's usually home by this time.

HELEN: Oh, I wouldn't worry about her. She can take care of herself.

CUT TO:

INT.: BLUM-DECKLER'S RESIDENCE. TIFFANY'S ROOM.

(The F.C. is gathered.)

TIFFANY: The problem is we're going to have to emergency-alter the outfit
co-ordinations for this week, because of the weather.

SANDI: We all know that the word for the fall is *warmth*. (Holds up a copy of
"Waif"-magazine.) Warm colours, warm combinations, *warm clothes*. (pause)
Unfortunately this does not go very well together with warm weather. Normally
we would of course ignore the stupid weather - but this particular combination
would result in something that can't be ignored.

(Dramatic pause, and close-up of Sandi.)

SANDI: *Sweat*!

(All the other members of the F.C. gasp in horror.)

QUINN: This is, like so wrong. There should be some way that you can prevent the
skin from sweating, or something.

TIFFANY & STACY: Yeah.

SANDI: Yes. That was the first possibility I checked, but Doctor Shar says that
even the most refined medical science can't accomplish this. (pause) At least
not without causing serious scars, permanent damage to the skin or death.

QUINN, TIFFANY & STACY: *Eeeeew*!

STACY: This is, so wrong. Why do we, like keep paying the scientists with tax
money, if they can't come up with anything useful?

TIFFANY: Yeah. That's sooooo wrong.

SANDI: The point is: We will have to compromise. We'll have to find something
that's not too sweaty, yet still *looks* warm.

QUINN: (Faux friendliness.) You're so smart Sandi.

SANDI: (Faux gratitude.) Why, thank you Quinn.

CUT TO:

INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE LIVING ROOM. MUCH LATER IN THE EVENING.

(Helen and Jake both sit in the couch. They're watching TV - it appears to be
some sort of drama. Helen is quite into the film, and is actually picking up a
handkerchief. Jake looks at Helen. It would seem that he is not very interested
in the film - but simply likes to share a moment like this with Helen.)

HELEN: Mmm... (She leans toward Jake.)

JAKE: (Softly. As if not wanting to spoil the moment.) It's been a long time
since we spent an evening like this together.

HELEN: (Also softly.) Yes, far too long. Why, I can't really remember us doing
something like this since... (Realisation descends upon her and she jumps up
like a Jack-in-the-box.) DARIA!!! (Checks her watch.) It's almost ten and we
haven't even heard from her!

JAKE: (Does not appear to be worried.) Ummm... She's been out later than that.
Much later, even.

HELEN: (Not sure if she's supposed to be mad or worried.) Yes, but we've always
had *some* idea of her whereabouts. We haven't even seen her since... uh... I
don't even think I saw her at breakfast. (pause) She *was* here this morning
wasn't she?!

JAKE: Sure... (pause. Seems pondering.) I think...

HELEN: (Pissed.) THINK?!?!

(Jake cowers, but Helen suddenly breaks off the outburst, realising she's just
as guilty herself.)

HELEN: (Sounding worried again.) I've got to call her friends... uh... *friend*,
and ask her if she's seen her.

(Helen picks up the cordless phone, Jake looks embarrassed, and leaves quietly.)

CUT TO:

(Shot of Jake at the cordless phone's central unit. [wherever that may be])

HELEN [V.O.]: What's wrong with this damn thing?!

(We see Jake plugging the central unit back in. It's obviously no coincidence
that Eric hasn't called tonight.)

HELEN [V.O.]: Oh, thank goodness, I already thought the lines were down.

CUT TO:

(Helen on the phone.)

HELEN: So she was at school? ... Uh-huh. When did she leave? ... (Checks her
watch again.) Oh, my! ... No, we haven't seen her! ... Well, thank you. Gotta
go. (Hangs up, and turns to Jake, who has returned during the conversation.)
She left *hours* ago! Oh, my goodness!

JAKE: (Also getting worried, but trying to find something uplifting to say.)
Don't worry. I'm sure she's all right. (pause) Maybe someone invited her to a
party unexpectedly, (Gets cheerier as he tries to buy his own story.) and she's
someplace having a good time.

HELEN: (Chilly) Jake Morgendorffer. I have heard you say some *pretty* stupid
things in your life, but this one's *gotta* be the winner.

JAKE: (Disappointed.) Awww...

HELEN: Besides - if Daria wanted to have a good time, she'd probably--- (Sudden
realisation.)

CUT TO:
DARIA'S ROOM.

(The door immediately flies open and we see an angry Helen behind it. Daria is
lying on the bed. She's fallen asleep while reading, and a copy of Aldous
Huxley's "Brave new world" is covering her face.)

HELEN: THERE YOU ARE!!!

(Daria immediately jumps up, (like when she awakes from a nightmare). The book
drops to the floor, and her glasses are askew.)

DARIA: (Groggy.) Huh? What? (Straightens her glasses.)

HELEN: (Accusing voice.) Why did you sneak up like this?! How long have you been
here?! We were so *worried*!

DARIA: (Not quite catching on.) I've been here all the time. What do you mean by
*sneaking* anyway?

HELEN: I mean that you went up to your room without even letting anyone know you
were in the house.

DARIA: (BS:ing.) You mean, you didn't hear me when I said: "Hi, I'm not hungry.
I'll be in my room if anyone needs me."?

HELEN: (Buys it. After being guilt tripped like this, she can't be angry with
Daria anymore. Instead her voice turns to "motherly sweet".) I'm... sorry I
snapped at you. We were just so worried, sweetheart.

DARIA [thought V.O.]: But not worried enough to check my room?

HELEN: (Hugs Daria, who cringes as usually.) I'm so glad that nothing's happened
to you.

DARIA: (Tries to joke her way out of it. Holds up a finger.) If you don't count
this ferocious paper cut. (pause. There is no effect.) Can you please let me go
now?

JAKE [V.O.]: Helen! It's Eric! On the phone!

HELEN: Coming!

(Helen lets go of Daria and hurries downstairs. Daria just sits on her bed and
slowly shakes her head in disbelief.)

[END ACT 1.]

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Daria & Jane running side by side looking exhausted.]

[COMMERCIAL]
I haven't done commercials before, and I don't think I'm going to make a habit
of it, but this is a commercial aimed at foreigners, so I'll go with it. (They
showed it a couple of times here too, probably so that we would know why all
the tourists are laughing at us.)

It starts with a rancher (judging by his accent, in Texas), and beside him lies
a horse. Another guy with a bucket shows up.
GUY: It would appear that your horse is dead, sir.
RANCHER: As dead as a horse can be. (At this point the horse twitches a bit if
you look carefully - must have been a low budget commercial.)
GUY: Well, I think I've got something to cure it with right here. (Holds up his
bucket - it has a label on it that reads "CULTURE".)
RANCHER: You think that stuff's gonna work?
GUY: Sure, it's so powerful it'll even wake up dead horses. (Empties the bucket,
(that contains nothing, which makes it look extra stupid BTW) over the horse.)
(The horse miraculously wakes up.)
RANCHER: Wow, that sure is nifty stuff.

CUT TO:
(Green screen, with a text reading HELSINKI - Culture capital of Europe 2000)

Ok. That's it. Don't you feel a sudden urge to get on the phone and order those
plane tickets to Helsinki? If so, I suggest you contact your local mental
illness treatment institution immediately, so that you can receive proper
professional attention.

[BEGIN ACT 2.]

(Daria & Jane walking to school the next morning. Apparently it's very warm
already. Daria is dressed up like normal, except that she's not wearing her
jacket. Jane is wearing colourful Bermuda shorts and a tank top. She's
laughing.)

JANE: So you were in your room the whole time!

DARIA: Yes, but considering how efficiently they've ignored me so far, I'm
actually surprised it hasn't happened before.

JANE: And you didn't even take advantage of the situation to guilt trip them
into the ninth level of hell?

DARIA: Of course not. (pause) This way I can probably use it against them later
on. (smirks)

JANE: And what if they decide to make up for this by stronger parental bonding?

DARIA: (Facial expression: Uuuugh!) Does your sister Penny by any chance have
any connections in Nicaragua, so that she could get me... Well, you know, a job,
a new identity, stuff like that?

JANE: The only job with satisfying pay over there would probably be as a
cocaine-smuggler, and besides I think she's in Honduras, but I'm not entirely
sure about that.

DARIA: That doesn't sound promising.

JANE: Anyway, if you're gonna leave it's best not to make any plans at all. Just
take a world map and throw a dart at it to decide where you're going. That's
what my dad did.

DARIA: I already did that, but I'm not sure I'd like to live in the Marianas
trench.

(Jane smirks.)

CUT TO:

INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. MR. O'NEILL'S CLASS.

(We see that almost all students are dressed more lightly that usual. Even Mr.
O'Neill is wearing a T-shirt instead of his usual long-sleeved one. Daria is
reading "Brave new world" and Jane is using her notebook as a fan. A newspaper
is lying on the desk.)

MR O'NEILL: (Seems excited.) You know, class I was thinking that we ought to do
something different today.

DARIA: (Puts down her book. To Jane.) I don't like the sound of this.

JANE: Is he really going to cancel his "surprise"-quiz?

MR O'NEILL: I was going to give you a surprise quiz, but I thought I'd cancel
that, and hold the lesson outdoors instead. It's not often we can enjoy weather
like this, and I really think we should cherish the opportunity. (pause. Smiles
his "sensitive" smile.) I thought that we'd just go out, sit on the lawn, and
that I'd share something with you, from a very interesting book I've read.
(Holds up a book with the title "Words of wisdom".)

KEVIN: Huh? No quiz?! You mean that Brit and I studied three hours yesterday for
nothing?

BRITTANY: (angry) What do you mean "for nothing"!? Yesterday you said that it
was great!

KEVIN: But ba-abe. I was talking about the *studying*.

(The other students start snickering.)

BRITTANY: (Even angrier.) YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT THE *STUDYING*!? Was *that* the
great thing?! You insensitive *pig*! (Slaps Kevin in the face.)

KEVIN: No... I mean... I meant I was talking about the studying right now. The
studying we did yesterday, that is, but not the *studying*. That was the
studying I talked about yesterday. You know what I mean. (pause) Right?

(The snickering turns into outright laughter.)

MR O'NEILL: Class! *Class*! Please! (The class actually calms down. Mr. O'Neill
looks like he'd like to say something about Kevin's studying[*], but he decides
to let it go.)

[*] No, not the "studying", you pervert!

(Daria raises her hand.)

MR O'NEILL: Yes, Daria?

DARIA: (Trying to think up an excuse.) I must object to holding the class
outdoors. The weather is *too* sunny. It... umm... could be *hazardous*. (pause)
Sunstroke, you know.

MR O'NEILL: (Dejected.) Oh, yes... (Suddenly brightens.) WAIT! I've got an idea.
(He picks up the newspaper from the desk, tears out a page and starts doing
something with it.) It's been a while since I've done this, but I think...
THERE! Now, we'll just get one of these for each and every one, and we're set.

(Mr. O'Neill holds up something, but we don't see what. We do see the students
reactions of disbelief. Especially Daria's, which is a combination of shock and
disbelief. Jane gives Daria an icy look.)

JANE: (Cold voice.) If *they* don't kill you, (points with her thumb over her
shoulder towards the rest of the class) *I* will.

(Extreme close-up of Daria's face - we only see the eyebrows-to-chin-area.)

DARIA: (Deadpan.) And, you'll be doing me a favour.

ZOOM OUT:
(To reveal that we are now outdoors. All students are sitting on the lawn
wearing paper hats[*] made out of newspaper. Mr. O'Neill is wearing one too.)

[*] Yes, the very-stupid-looking triangular kind.

DARIA: (To Jane.) I guess it's for situations like this, you need an "I hate
myself, and want to die" - T-shirt.

JANE: (Faux hostility.) What *I* need right now is as spiked board or a baseball
bat.

DARIA: (Ironic.) Thanks for cheering me up.

JANE: (Wry smirk.) Well, usually it's the other way around, but you're welcome.

(Both look at each other for a second.)

DARIA: I hate you.

MR O'NEILL: (He's got the book and is getting ready to read from it.) The reason
I want you to hear this is that young students such as yourselves really could
benefit from this. Wisdom is one of the most important qualities in life. It's
what helps you get through the day, even when things seem rough.

DARIA: And I thought that in much wisdom was much grief.

JANE: Huh?

DARIA: Never mind.

MR O'NEILL: So, I'm hoping that we can all learn something about *life itself*
today, something that we can have use for *in* our lives, *throughout* our
lives.

DARIA: (Removes the hat, scratches her scalp, then replaces the hat.) Lesson
number one: Keep your big mouth shut.

JANE: Let's all say that a hundred times, so that the lesson sticks.

DARIA: I still hate you.

MR O'NEILL: I'll just pick something from the book on random, and then we'll all
discuss what it means. (Opens the book and puts his finger someplace on a page
without looking, then reads the line he picked.) Well, this sounds good: "No
single second is unendurable by itself." (pause. Looks at the students.) What do
you think about this?

DARIA: One-hundred-and-fifty repetitions, three times a week, ages ten through
fourteen.

MR O'NEILL: (Gets the sarcasm. [Hey, he's an English teacher after all, and is
bound to have read "Brave new world".]) Ummm... Anyone else?

MACK: Well, basically the statement is true. I have a hard time imagining such
pain that would unendurable for a second. (Mumbling to himself.) And I've had to
ride a bus next to Kevin singing "99 bottles of beer". 

MR O'NEILL: Very good.

MACK: (Continues normally.) The problem, however is that seconds very seldom
come alone. (Again mumbling.) Therefore I don't think I was out of line at all
when I finally whacked him after an hour.

MR O'NEILL: (Let down.) Ooh...(Voice crescendo.)...ooOOOAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEEH!!!!!
(He starts jumping around. Change camera angle so that we see that he's been
standing right next to a nest of fire ants, and that one of the legs of his
pants already has been invaded.)

JANE: (To Mr. O'Neill) Hey, take it easy. Remember that no single ant is
unendurable by itself. (To Daria, smiling.) You know, I think I'm able to
forgive you after all.

MR O'NEILL: (As he jumps by the camera we see that he's ditched his pants, and
is in his underwear. He is violently beating his leg in order to get rid of the
ants.) AAAIIEEEEAAAAAA!!!

DARIA: (Best Sioux accent.) Ugh! With luck, great medicine man hide sun in
cloud, and make rain.


CUT TO:

INT.: LAWNDALE HIGH. THE HALLWAY.

(Daria & Jane are heading down the hallway toward their lockers.)

JANE: Dammit! I wish I'd brought my polaroid.

DARIA: Well, one can't be lucky all the time.

UPCHUCK [V.O.]: Hello-o-o, ladies.

(Upchuck walks up. He's wearing a pair of sunglasses and his patented grin.)

UPCHUCK: The weather is *hot*, and I see, that so are you.

JANE: Upchuck. Unless your life insurance is paid up I suggest you take a hike.

UPCHUCK: Rr-r-r. *Feisty*! (Turns to Daria.) And you my dear, couldn't we---

DARIA: Over my dead body.

(They've reached the lockers. Daria starts to open hers.)

UPCHUCK: Well, if it's an emergency, but I think we'd both enjoy it more, were
you alive and breathing.

(Daria and Jane both look disgusted. Daria is looking for something in her
locker.)

DARIA: *I* might enjoy it... (Upchuck's eyes widen.) ...but *you* certainly
would not. (She turns around, revealing that she's got brass knuckles on her
right hand.)

UPCHUCK: (Backs off, just in case.) Rrowrr. *Megafeisty*!

JANE: (To Daria, indicating the brass knuckles) Where did you get those?

DARIA: Garage sale. I think the guy who held it had just dropped out of the
Hell's Angels. (pause. Jane just gives her a weird look.) Well, what did you
expect? That I got 'em from a cereal box?

JANE: Well, they sure seem to have an intimidating effect.

(Upchuck is no longer anywhere in sight.)

DARIA: Yeah. I've been thinking about getting a nightstick at the next police
auction. (Tosses the brass knuckles back into the locker, and closes it.) Let's
get to class.

(They start walking, but just as turn the first corner they run into a small
crowd. In the middle of the crowd we see the F.C. and an unconscious Upchuck
lying on the floor. Sandi is rubbing her right fist.)

SANDI: If I get a bruise on my hand because of this I'm going to kill him.

STACY: Yeah, but what are we going to do with him now. We can't just leave him
here, can we?

DARIA: (She and Jane stop to look at the scene.) Why don't you just take him to
the vet, and have him fixed?

(Scattered laughs from the crowd.)

JANE: Or turn him over to Miss Barch.

(Unison gasps from the crowd.)

DARIA: (To Jane.) Please, most of us *do* have a conscience.

JANE: You're right. There are laws even against cruelty to animals.

DARIA: You know, he would probably be flattered if he heard you call him
"animal".

JANE & THE F.C.: (Looking disgusted.) Ewwwww!

DARIA: Look. We actually agree with the fashion club on something.

JANE: I can feel my neural synapses starting to self-destruct.

DARIA: Let's get ourselves to class, while we can still find it, okay?.

CUT TO:
ART CLASS. A WHILE LATER.

(Daria is drawing something, and her smile reveals that she apparently is
pleased with the results.)

JANE: (Glances at Daria, then heads over to her desk.) Okay, out with it.

DARIA: (Looks up.) Out with what?

JANE: You've been smiling like that for fifteen minutes straight. That's gotta
be your new personal record. (pause) Now I want to know *exactly* what you find
so amusing. (Snatches away one of the papers Daria has been working on.)

DARIA: So Mr. O'Neill's words of "wisdom" got me inspired, okay?

JANE: Well, I say.

(Change camera angle so that we see the drawing. It's a pencil-sketch of a
cemetery. Under the picture we see the text: "As long as there is life there is
hope. Um... Oh, yeah...")

JANE: This is really depressing. No wonder you've been smiling. (pause) Got any
more?

DARIA: Yeah, but these are just sketches. This would look better as a photo-
collage.

(Jane picks up another paper.)

JANE: Well, well, what have we here? A guy strapped to a rack, and from the
surrounding flames, I'd guess he's in hell. Hmmm... (pause. Looks pondering,
then reads the text.) Today is the first day of the rest of your life?

DARIA: Yeah. I didn't want to go with the "No single second"-thing again.

JANE: And what's that one you're working on? (Reading from the paper Daria is
drawing on.) If life gives you lemons - make lemonade.

DARIA: Yeah, but I haven't been able to decide if I should do a picture of a
starving three-year-old in a third world country and a mass grave, or have a two
part picture with a holocaust victim on one side, and a large smoking chimney on
the other.

JANE: (Smirking.) No political correctness here. (pause.) You'd make a good
artist, you know.

DARIA: Or I could write a best-selling book: "Fun with depression - A guide to
survival in the third Millennium."

(Both smirk.)

CUT TO:
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. JUST AFTER SCHOOL.

(Daria walks up to the door.)

CUT TO:
INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE HALL.

(Daria is greeted by both Jake and Helen.)

JAKE: Hi honey.

DARIA: (Genuinely surprised.) You're home at this hour?! (Suspicious.) Is this a
prelude to a gas attack by an apocalyptic cult, or is it something worse?

HELEN: Your father and I decided it would be a good idea to drive down to the
beach for the afternoon. You know, to enjoy the weather and improve the family
bonding.

DARIA: (Deadpan.) The latter.

JAKE: (Super-cheery) Nonsense sweetheart. Now, go get your swimming gear, and
get yourself down here, your sister should be ready any time now.

DARIA: Sure, I'll just get my bathing suit, towel, clip-on sunglasses, rope,
lead weights, and I'm set.

HELEN: Daria, please. Why do you always have to be so cynical about everything?
People judge you by what you say.

DARIA: Yes, well having people think that I'm weird has several benefits. First:
It cuts down on irritating human contact, because nobody wants to talk to a
weirdo. Second: Should for instance Quinn ever get *completely* unbearable, I
could always, as a last resource, sacrifice her to Odin, and get away by
pleading insanity. And then there is always---

HELEN: (Oh-please tone of voice.) Daria, would you just get up, and get ready,
please.

CUT TO:
INT.: MORGENDORFFER CAR. A WHILE LATER.

(They're on the road already. Jake is driving, Helen is riding front, Daria
and Quinn share the back seat.)

QUINN: (Bubbly.) This isn't such a bad idea after all, I mean going to the
beach. And I really don't understand what all the---

DARIA: Does that mean you hadn't managed to get a date for tonight, or that the
heat has melted away the last traces of a brain that you might once have had?

QUINN: Hey. The fact that no one asked me out today has noting to do with---

DARIA: ...the fact that you packed at least five different swimming suits with
you, and that I overheard you saying on the phone that "The beach would be a
*great* place to pick someone up."

HELEN: Girls, girls, please. We're going to the beach to have some fun together.
Now quit bickering, both of you.

DARIA [thought V.O.]: How come the words "fun" and "together" don't mesh so
well?
[Out loud]: Fun? Does that mean I get to bury Quinn in the sand? (pause) *Deep*
in the sand.

(Quinn sticks out her tongue at Daria.)

JAKE: Now, you be nice to each others. Lets not ruin the day, okay.

DARIA [thought V.O.]: Too late.

JAKE: (Continuing. Darker voice.) Like that one time we were going to the beach.
(Going into Mad Dog rant mode.) OH YEAH! Dad knew *everything* about what to do
at the beach. The *important* thing was that LITTLE JAKEY SHOULD JUST STAY PUT
ALL THE TIME, just so that he couldn't ACCIDENTALLY HAVE SOME FUN!

HELEN: Okay, Jake. Calm down. Your dad's not here.

JAKE: (Back to normal.) I'm okay. I'm fine.

DARIA: Well, I'm not. Could you open a window before I melt, please.

JAKE: But I've got the air-conditioning on it shouldn't--- (Realises something.)

HELEN: What?! You didn't tell them to fix it when the car was on service?

JAKE: Uh... (pause) Well, I didn't think we were going to need it anymore this
year, so I kind of postponed it. But don't worry we'll be fine. (Opens his side
window.) Besides we're less than an hour away from the beach anyway.

(Traffic slows down considerably.)

DARIA: Unless we get stuck in a traffic jam of course.

[END ACT 2.]

[COMMERCIAL BUMPER: Mr. O'Neill jumping around in his underwear.]

[BEGIN ACT 3.]

(We're right back in the same traffic jam where we just left off.)
(Begin montage sequence.)

MUSIC: "Traffic jam"; by Weird Al Yankovic

- The Morgendorffer's car in very slowly moving traffic.

- Daria wiping sweat off her forehead.

- Jake looking cheery, and saying something to the others. They don't seem too
excited about it and Jake looks discouraged by their reaction.

- Helen looking out the window looking angry, but not saying anything.

- Someone cutting Jake off. He sticks his head out the window shouting
something, but almost gets his head ripped off by a motorcyclist zooming by
between the lanes.

- Quinn wiping sweat off her forehead, looking utterly disgusted.

- Jake trying to read a map while driving. Helen suddenly yells and points
straight ahead. Jake steps on the brakes, and barely manages not to hit the car
in front of them.

- Daria looking very irritated (for Daria).

- Jake looking furious, and literally pounding the horn.

(Fade out music. End montage sequence.)

HELEN: (Irritated.) And I wonder how come Eric hasn't called. I told him he
could call me on my mobile. (pause) I've got to check if he's left any messages.
(Starts going through her bag looking for the phone. The others don't seem to
give s**t about Eric or the phone.)

(After Helen has searched a few seconds.)

HELEN: IT'S NOT HERE!!! (pause) Oh, my. I must have left it on---

CUT TO:
INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. THE LIVING ROOM TABLE.

(We see Helen's mobile phone. It's ringing. Hold a few seconds then...)

CUT TO:
INT.: ERIC'S OFFICE.

(Eric is sitting at his desk, and he just hangs up the phone. There is another
guy in a suit standing next to his desk - presumably one of the other
Schrecters.)

ERIC: (Cunning voice.) Well, well. It would seem that Mrs Morgendorffer has
forgotten, or deliberately left her mobile at home. (pause) We will naturally
assume the latter, of course.

OTHER GUY: You sound pleased.

ERIC: Yes, I've been waiting for something to keep her down with for a long
time. 

OTHER GUY: But, the other day you told me that she was one of your most
efficient subordinates. I don't get it.

ERIC: *That's* your problem John. You're too soft. (Pauses. Sits back in his
chair, and looks very comfortable.) Never, ever promote an achiever. The
achievers are the donkeys who keep the company running. You can't promote them,
that would cut down on efficiency. No, you must keep the carrot of promotion
dangling just out of their reach. And this miss... (Points to the phone.)
...this miss she just made, I can use against her for several months, as a
reason not to promote her.

(Eric starts chuckling. The chuckle then grows into a menacing laughter. [Think
Mr. DeMartino in "The Daria Hunter".])

CUT TO:
INT.: MORGENDORFFER CAR.

HELEN: (Almost in panic.) WE'WE GOT TO TURN BACK!

JAKE: Honey, we can't turn back. Look at the traffic. If we did, we'd never get
to the beach today.

QUINN: (Sour.) Well, who *cares* anymore. It's hot in this stupid car, we could
just as well turn around.

HELEN: (Getting mad.) JAKE! Don't you see that it's my career at stake here?!

JAKE: (Trying to reason.) What? For forgetting the phone *once*? For being out
of reach *for one afternoon a year*? Please, honey. We agreed to take the
afternoon off. It may be just as well that you forgot the phone.

HELEN: (Cold.) Jake Morgendorffer. I am *telling* you to turn the car around
*this instant*!

JAKE: (Feeling trapped between the bark and the tree.) But I *can't* turn the
car around. Look at the traffic! (Getting pissed.) You're asking me to do the
impossible! (Full Mad Dog-rant.) JUST LIKE *HE* ALWAYS DID! (Beats the steering-
wheel.) WE ARE *NOT* TURNING AROUND, DAMMIT!!!

(Show Daria ogling at the door handle.)

DARIA [thought V.O.]: To jump, or not to jump...

HELEN: (First taken by surprise, by Jake snapping back at her, then getting
*really* pissed.) WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!!!

QUINN: (Whining.) You said we'd be there in an hour, but it's been almost two.
This really sucks!

JAKE: SO I'LL JUST TURN THE CAR AROUND THEN!!! JUST DRIVE FULL SPEED AGAINST
ONCOMING TRAFFIC!!! THAT'S A GREAT IDEA! WE'LL ALL GET TO HELL SOONER!!!

(Cut to shot of Daria. The argument becomes an incomprehensible jumble with
everybody (Jake, Helen & Quinn) whining and/or shouting simultaneously at each
other. Daria looks like she's already in hell.)

(Cut to Daria's POV, and pan across the fighting family members, then cut back
to shot of Daria. She squeezes her eyes shut, and lets her head flop backwards.
Then we start hearing fragments of the argument through the "background noise".)

HELEN'S VOICE: ...DON'T YOU REALISE HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS?!!!

QUINN'S VOICE: ...WHO'S STUPID IDEA WAS THIS ANYWAY?!!!

JAKE'S VOICE: ...OOH, YEAH! THAT'S *JUST LIKE HIM*!!!

(Daria sits up looking absolutely desperate.)

(Here we, thanks to the magic of animation, enter an "experience mode". [I
didn't know what else to call it.])

(Daria's seatbelt is suddenly transformed into a straitjacket. She becomes
horrified by this and twitches several times trying to get lose but she can't.)

(Semitransparent heads of her family members start appearing next to her ears,
and they shout the "argument fragments" in her ears. The expressions of the
faces of the heads appear very hostile.)

QUINN'S HEAD: ...I WANNA' GO HOME!!!

HELEN'S HEAD: ...THAT'S IT!!! I WANT A DIVORCE!!!

JAKE'S HEAD: ...WE'RE TURNING NOWHERE, DAMMIT!!!

HELEN'S HEAD: ...HAVE YOU GOT ANY IDEA WHAT YOU'RE DOING?!!!

QUINN'S HEAD: ...THIS SUCKS!!!

JAKE'S HEAD: ...ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!

(So far the heads have been appearing with short intervals, at this point they
start appearing simultaneously, and instead of appearing next to Daria's ears,
they start moving "in orbit" around her head, the intervals between the lines
also decrease, so that even the fragments [remember there is still the constant
"argument jumble" in the background] become more and more a jumble in the
foreground.)

HELEN'S HEAD: ...HOW CAN YOU *DO* THIS?!!!

JAKE'S HEAD: ...YOU'RE NOT TAKING AWAY MY DIGNITY, LIKE *HE* DID, DAMMIT!!!

QUINN'S HEAD: ...EEEEW! MY MAKUP'S SMEARING!!!

(Revolving, faster, faster.)

JAKE'S HEAD: ...DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE?!!!

HELEN'S HEAD: ...YOU NEED HELP, DAMMIT!!!

(At this point it becomes impossible to distinguish any specific lines from the
argument. The pace of the revolving heads however keep increasing, and so does
the volume of the argument. Daria, of course looks like a basket case at this
point, an impression that is amplified by the straitjacket. This keeps up a few
seconds, then---)

DARIA: (At the top of her voice.) ***SHUT UUUUUUUUP***!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Poof. The heads are gone. The straitjacket is gone. Everything is back to
normal. The argument is abruptly cut off, and everybody just stares at Daria.)

DARIA: (Deadpan.) Next time, before we go on a family trip somewhere, could you
just run me over with the car, please?

HELEN: (A bit embarrassed. The argument got a bit out of hand.) Umm... I'm
sorry, this was after all meant to be a family trip to the beach. (To Jake.)
Uh... and I didn't mean what I said about that divorce.

JAKE: (Brightens a bit. He's out of the Mad Dog-rant and is more than happy to
make peace.) Hey, it's okay. And you know, according to the map we're coming up
to an intersection. If you want to, I can turn the car around there.

HELEN: No, Jake. You were right. They can do without me at the office one
afternoon. (pause) How long do you think it'll take us to get to the beach?

JAKE: (A bit surprised the Helen admitted he was right about something.) Umm...
If the traffic is going to be like this all the way... (Pauses. Looks at the
map. Appears to be thinking.) Mmmm. Maybe two hours. (Brightens.) Unless! We
could turn right at that intersection I was talking about, and take an alternate
rout. It'll be a little longer, and the roads will be smaller, but if the
traffic's not too bad, we could make it in less than half an hour.

(We see the Morgendorffer's car leave the crowded highway, and turn in on a
smaller road with much less traffic.)

CUT TO:
A WHILE LATER.

(Jake is again trying to read the map while driving. Quinn appears to be
sleeping.)

HELEN: Jake. Tell me we're not lost.

JAKE: (Cheery, not the least bit convincing.) We're not lost.

(Helen sighs.)

JAKE: (Looking at the map. Notices something.) No, seriously. We're almost
there. Okay, so we have to drive a few miles on a dirt road, but after that
we're practically there.

HELEN: (Not buying it.) Give me that map! (Snatches the map from Jake and starts
reading it.) Hmmm... We're here now (Points at a position on the map.) aren't
we?

JAKE: Yeah.

HELEN: (Looks at the map again. A bit surprised.) Uh, it would seem that you're
right...

CUT TO:
THE DIRT ROAD. A WHILE LATER.

(The car raises quite a cloud of dust, but otherwise the road really isn't so
bad.)

JAKE: (Cheery.) This is great. I can almost smell the ocean breeze already.

DARIA: Wow. I wish I could smell it too. (pause) But I probably will after I've
got the dust out of my nose and windpipe.

(The car sputters and stops.)

DARIA: Let me guess. You forgot to refuel.

JAKE: Don't worry. A foresighted man always has a spare can in the trunk. (Gets
out of the car, and opens the trunk. He picks up the can, but almost falls
backward, as the can is much lighter to lift than it should be.)

DARIA: (Who has also got out of the car to stretch her legs.) Did the
foresighted man also remember to fill the spare can?

JAKE: Awwwww...

HELEN: (Getting out of the car. Sighs.) Okay. How far to the nearest gas
station?

DARIA: I think I saw one three or four miles ago.

JAKE: You're right. We're not going to get out of here without gas. (Checks his
wallet.) Yeah. I've got money. Don't want any more to got wrong on this trip.
(Takes the can, and starts walking.)

HELEN: (Under her breath.) How could it?

DARIA: (Hears.) Oh, you just watch and see. The first principle of life is:
"Things are never so bad, that they can't get worse."

HELEN: (Ironic.) Well, thank you for cheering me up.

DARIA: The second is: "As long as things can get worse - they will."

HELEN: (Mutters.) Now I know why some species eat their own young...

DARIA: Wow. Sarcasm. But are you sure you want to do that? (Faux solemnity.)
Once you start along the dark path - forever will it dominate your destiny!
(pause) And after all: People judge you by what you say. (Smirks.)

(Helen glares at her, but says nothing.)

CUT TO:
JAKE WALKING DOWN THE ROAD.

(He appears to be furious. He is walking very fast, almost running.)

JAKE: (Muttering to himself.) You try to take an afternoon off to spend with
your family - and what do you get? A fight, and a nice walk down a *stinking*
old dirt road. WHY?! (pause) BECAUSE YOU'RE *STUPID* JAKE, THAT'S WHY! (Walks
even faster.)

CUT TO:
DARIA & HELEN AT THE CAR.

(They're standing in the shade of the trees.)

HELEN: I don't understand how Quinn can sit in the car. It's like an oven.

DARIA: Well, I don't think she knows that. She fell asleep shortly after we left
the highway.

HELEN: Better wake her up though. She could get a heat stroke sitting in there.

DARIA: You're right. (Walks up to the car and opens the door.) Okay, sleeping
beauty, time to get up.

(No response.)

DARIA: (Shakes Quinn.) WAKEY! WAKEY!

(No response.)

DARIA: (To Helen.) Umm... What are the symptoms of heat stroke?

CUT TO:
SAME SCENE. A MINUTE, OR SO, LATER.

(Daria and Helen have dragged the still unconscious Quinn into the shade, and
are kneeling over her.)

HELEN: Oh, my goodness. I've gotta call 911. 

(Cut to mobile phone lying on the table in the living room. Hold for a second,
then cut back.)

HELEN: (Slaps her forehead, as she remembers where the phone is.) I've gotta
go after Jake. They must have a phone at the gas station. I'll call an ambulance
from there. (Gets up and starts running after Jake.)

DARIA: (Shouting after Helen.) THAT'S OKAY! I'LL JUST STAY HERE... (Quieter.
Ogles at Quinn and smirks.) ...and praise the Lord.


CUT TO:
HELEN RUNNING DOWN THE ROAD.

(She is puffing and blowing.)

HELEN: (To herself.) You try to take an afternoon off to spend with your family
- and what do you get? All hell breaking lose. WHY?! BECAUSE YOU'RE *STUPID*
HELEN, THAT'S WHY!

CUT TO:
DARIA & QUINN AT THE CAR.

(Daria is sitting, leaning against a tree. She is looking at Quinn, who lies in
the exact same position as before. Suddenly Daria raises her head as if
listening for something. She gets up and heads into the woods. She's gone for a
few seconds, then---)

DARIA [V.O.]: (Deadpan.) Eureka.

(After a few more seconds Daria re-emerges, and then proceeds to drag Quinn into
the woods.)

CUT TO:
RUNNING HELEN CATCHING UP WITH WALKING JAKE.

(Helen is completely exhausted.)

HELEN: JAKE!

JAKE: (Turns around.) Helen?

HELEN: Quinn's had a heat stroke. Run down to the gas station, and call 911.

JAKE: OH, MY GOD! (Starts running. Helen proceeds after him walking slowly and
catching her breath.)

CUT TO:
A FEW HUNDRED FEET INTO THE WOODS FROM THE CAR.

(We see a very small, very muddy rivulet. Daria is struggling to get Quinn
there, but finally manages. She puts Quinn down, head toward the rivulet. Looks
at her, smiles a wry smile, then proceeds to wet Quinn's head with the muddy
water.)

DISSOLVE TO:
SAME SCENE, A WHILE LATER.

(Quinn is even muddier than she was in "The teachings of Don Jake". Hair, face,
the whole lot. Daria looks satisfied.)

DARIA: (To unconscious Quinn.) Well, that's about all I can do for you. (pause)
And you don't have to thank me. I've always wanted to do that.

CUT TO:
EXT.: GAS STATION.

(Helen walks up to Jake who is filling up the spare tank.)

JAKE: They're on their way. I couldn't give them the exact location of the car,
so they're picking us up on the way. (Finishes the fuelling, and caps the can.)

HELEN: That's good. (Suddenly slumps into Jake's arms and starts sobbing.) Oh,
my. I just hope she's going to be all right.

JAKE: (In a more serious voice than is normal for Jake.) I'm sure she'll be
fine, honey.

CUT TO:
BLACK SCREEN.

(First we don't hear anything, then slowly we hear a voice fading in. It's
almost indistinguishable at first, but slowly it grows louder.)

VOICE: Thou only art immortal, the creator and maker of mankind; and we are
mortal, formed of the earth, and unto earth shall we return. (At this point we
may recognise the voice as Daria's.) For so thou didst ordain when thou
createdst me, saying, "Dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return." So, in
the Name of The Father... (Slowly opening eyelid effect. We now realise that
we're seeing everything from Quinn's POV.) ...and of the Son... (We see Daria
standing over the camera [=Quinn], and making a vertical motion with her hand
over the lens. She then starts making a similar horizontal motion.) ...and of
the--- (Sees that Quinn is awake, and frowns.) Darn!

CUT TO:
THE CAR.

(An ambulance pulls up, and Helen immediately jumps out.)

HELEN: Oh, my God! Where are they!?

(Quinn comes out of the woods.)

QUINN: Mom?

HELEN: QUINN! You're all right.

QUINN: (Whining.) All, right?! I've never been so far from all right! Look what
Daria did to my hair!

(Daria comes out of the woods. She is rubbing her bleeding nose.)

PARAMEDIC: (Indicating Quinn.) Is this the patient?

DARIA: (Heading toward Quinn.) Not yet. (pause) But very soon.

QUINN: (Taking cover behind Helen.) Moooom.

HELEN: Just what is going on here?

QUINN: I told you. I fell asleep in the car. When I wake up, Daria's dragged me
into the middle of the woods, smeared my face and hair with disgusting *mud*,
and is mumbling creepy stuff, like at a funeral or something! Believe me: I had
every right in the world to hit her.

PARAMEDIC: (To Daria.) Did you smear mud all over her head?

DARIA: Yeah. I once read this book on---

PARAMEDIC: That was very good thinking. You may have saved your sister's life.

DARIA: Thanks for letting me know. Now I may never be able to forgive myself.

PARAMEDIC: (To Helen.) I think we'd still better take her to the hospital, and
run some tests. Just in case.

HELEN: Of course.

QUINN: WHAT?! I can't go to the hospital looking like this.

HELEN: (To Quinn.) I can't recall anyone saying you had a choice. (pause) And
when you get home, we can discuss you hitting your sister in the face.

CUT TO:
EXT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. EVENING.

(The car pulls up with Jake, Helen & Daria in it.)

CUT TO:
INT.: MORGENDORFFER RESIDENCE. DARIA'S ROOM.

(Daria enters, walks straight to the bed and flops down on it. She lies there
for a couple of seconds, then she picks up the phone and dials a number.)

JANE [V.O.]: Yo!

DARIA: (Faux hostility.) If you ever make a prediction about my parents trying
to bond with me again, I *will* suffocate you with a garbage bag.

(Cut screen: Daria/Jane)

JANE: (Snickering.) I was right then?

DARIA: Oooh yeah!

(Time lapse effect => a few minutes later)

JANE: So, you mean you actually saved the life of your sister!?

DARIA: (Deadpan.) Either her, or the earthly incarnation of Satan. (pause) I
still have trouble telling the two apart.

JANE: And as thanks, she hit you in the face?

DARIA: Yeah, but mom wasn't too fond of that, so she decided to cut Quinn's
allowance for next week, and give it to me instead.

JANE: So, what are you planning to do next time your parents decide to bond with
you.

DARIA: Buy plane tickets to a country where they allow euthanasia...

HELEN [V.O.]: DARIA! Are you on the phone?! I need to make a call!

DARIA: (Smiling.) ...but fortunately I think I'll be in college before they can
find the time again.

---END CREDITS

POSTSCRIPT:

Well, this was quite a fun script to write. It took some time, though. I had a
horrible time trying to come up with some sort of plot, and I was struck with a
bit of writer's block, about halfway through, but other than that it was fun,
and I hope you enjoyed it too.

Also, I really have to admire people like C.E. Forman, and Kara Wild who seem to
be able to churn out a new 'fic every other week, or so. If I produce a 'fic
every other month, I've been busy! :-P

Some comparison: This fanfic is a bit more "wackier" than my previous one (End
weekend, end), but I've still tried to be true to the show. In many ways this
'fic is also similar to End weekend, end. The plotline for instance: (First
featuring Daria & Jane at school, then Daria gets into a situation where her
family almost drives her nuts.) The lack of a subplot is another thing. I really
was planning to make a subplot out of the "fashion crisis", but no matter what I
wrote, it just plain refused to turn out good - so I finally ditched the whole
thing. Also the prominent featuring of OH. I just can't help it. Daria is the
only character I *really* enjoy writing. Most authors, however seem to have a
favourite character so I'm not going to let this disturb me.

References & recycled jokes: "No single second is unendurable on its own" was a
running gag in C.E. Forman's 2-part 'fic "Rain on your parade". He however used
the line in a completely different context, so I would hardly consider this
plagiarism.
"...some species eat their own young." Sniff, I've got to admit that I read
something along these lines in an issue of MAD, quite some time ago. The gag
just happened to fit so well though, that I couldn't resist...

Heat stroke: I don't know how quickly one can get a heat stroke, or how quickly
one can recover. Both factors may have been exaggerated, but I would say no more
than Daria's speed-rash in "Ill". And, besides - this is a cartoon, not an
educational video on CPR. 

Location of Lawndale: I don't know where Lawndale is, and neither does anybody
else (as far as I know). There is nothing in the show that suggests an immediate
vicinity to the sea, but since Lawndale was struck by a hurricane in "Daria!",
it can not be *too* far away either.
 
Deeper message: If this 'fic had any deeper message than "If life gives you
pathetic platitudes - stomp on them.", I'm a failure as a writer. (Oh, and
Daria's little funeral-ceremony, that was just my morbid sense of humour kicking
in...)

Mad Dog: I thought it was a funny idea to give Jake the nerve to stand up
against Helen through one of his Mad Dog-rants. I don't think it's *too*
unrealistic, and if memory serves, Kara Wild has done something slightly similar
in "None in the family".

Eric the Schreck: I know almost nothing about Helen's boss. Me picturing him as
a jerk, is just my overall cynicism against management. I also know nothing
about the other Schrecters, but I took the liberty of naming one of them John.

BORING DISCLAIMER: "Daria" and all related characters are trademarks of MTV
Networks, a division of Viacom International Inc. The author does not claim
copyright to these characters or to anything else in the "Daria" milieu, he does
however claim copyright to the storyline within this work of fiction. This
fanfic may be freely copied and distributed provided the contents remain
unchanged, provided that the authors name and e-mail are included, and provided
that the distributor does not use the story for monetary profit. [But, hey let's
face it. If you could make money with this, you'd really be one hell of a
salesman :).]

HOW TO CONTACT THE AUTHOR:
(What? Are you still reading? Okay, then)

Author: Daniel Suni
E-mail: daniel.suni@kolumbus.fi
Snail mail: Karistimentie 2 D 110
            00920 Helsinki 92
            FINLAND