Hey You!! No Smoking!!

by Robin Sena

Like always, Daria is a trademark of MTV.

It had been a grueling practise session for The Lawndale Lions and their cheerleaders, so it was no wonder at the end of the session that everyone was grateful it was over. Right now, Kevin Thomson was on his way to meet up with his team when he saw smoke drift out from the girls' locker room, when Angie, Lisa and Nikki came up and the first girl said, "Great game, Kevin."

"Thanks," said the QB, "but boy, it was a back breaker....say, is that smoke?"

Looking up, the girls could see it looked like it, Lisa saying, "Looks like smoke....."

"You sure it's not steam from the showers?" said Nikki. "It's where Brittany may be showering right now."

"Since when does shower steam stink of tobacco?" said Angie. "It's got to be smoke."

"Then," said Kevin, "when there's smoke, there's FIRE!! FIRE IN THE SCHOOL!! FIRE IN THE SCHOOL!!"

"Help!! Fire!! Help!!" screamed Angie.

"Get a water hose!!" said Lisa.

"Where's the fire extinguisher?" said Nikki.

At that moment, Kevin spotted a garden hose attached to a faucet and took the hose, stuck it in the window and turned on the faucet, water gushing in the window--and Brittany inside shouting, "HEY!!!!!!!!! TURN THAT WATER OFF!! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?!?"

"Oh-oh," said Angie, "Kev's going to get the devil now."

"Britt's going to kick Kevin to the curb," said Lisa.

"Wait," said Nikki. "She's going to do that just because Kevin put out a fire?"

That was when a livid--and drenched--Brittany stepped outside, a soaking yet burnt cigarette sticking from her mouth, just as Jodie, Mack, Daria and Jane showed up.

"Looks like a twelve alarm fire just took place," said Daria.

"Burn, baby, burn," said Jane. "Lawndale Inferno."

"Kevvy," said Brittany, "was that you that drenched me with that hose? You know how hard it is to keep my cigarette lit?"

"He thought that the bathroom was on fire," intervened Angie. "Brittany, you got a cigarette!! Don't you know cigarette smoking is against the rules here?"

"Not only that, said Lisa, "smoking is bad for your health."

"So why don't you report me?" shot back Brittany, who relit a new cigarette, took a drag and blew smoke in her fellow cheerleaders' faces, adding, "Besides, it makes me look so chic."

"It makes you look stupid, not chic," said Nikki. "You don't need to smoke to be chic."

"Since when do cheerleaders look chic anyway?" said Jodie.

"Freak out, le freak, c'est chic," joked Jane.

"Brittany," said Daria, "when did you start smoking?"

"Been doing so before I came to Lawndale High," said Brittany, who took to twirling with her pigtails. Besides, everyone's smoking here in Lawndale anyway."

"So if everyone in Lawndale," said Mack, "started taking joyrides in a B2 Stealth Bomber, would you do that as well? Smoking IS bad for your health."

"So's drinking booze," said Brittany, who blew a square shaped ring in Mack's face, saying, "That is what I see you as--square."

"Babe, even I don't smoke," said Kevin. "Any major dude will tell you."

Again, Brittany blew smoke--right into her boyfriend's face, the QB coughing and staggering--then said, "The trouble with you, Kevvy, is that people that don't like people that smoke, can be so out of step with America."

"Listen, " said Daria, "I never was one to agree with all those popular stalwarts, but it pains me to say that they're right, that smoking IS bad for you, and it's stupid, be it in school, let alone anyplace else. Besides, you can always pick up a safer habit to do."

"You think so?" said Brittany, who put out her cigarette against the side of the bathroom wall, then went off with her fellow cheerleaders.

"You think you got the point across to her?" said Jodie to Daria.

"I don't know--yet," said Daria.

"Nostradamus , she's not," said Jane.

Morning again, in the Lawndale High bathroom where the fashion club were primping as always before the mirror, bickering over what was considered fashionable.........that is, until, Sandi said, "Ew, which one you is smoking? Is that you, Stacy?"

"Not me," said Stacy, "cigarettes cand be so unfashionable."

"Not me," said Tiffany, "they stink."

"Well it can't be me," said Quinn, "they make your teeth yellow."

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE--UU--W!!" chorused the other fashion girls.

Just then however, Quinn glaced over at the toilet stalls and noticed cigarette smoke floating up from the top and said, "Someone's breaking the rules here.......and judging from those shoes, it's got to be Brittany."

"That squeaky wheel bimbo queen?" said a disdained Sandi. "She's disgusting."

"Something's got to be done," said Tiffany.

"And something will be done," said Stacy, who, mind you, did the unthinkable--she ran out into the hall and yelled, "Ms. Li!! Brittany's smoking in the girls room!! Ms. Li!! Brittany's smoking in the girls room!!"

As it turned out, Li came running down the hall and demanded, "What's going on here, Ms. Rowe?!? Did you say Ms. Taylor is smoking?!?"

"Right in the girls room," said Stacy, pointing down that way.

Enraged, Li ran down the hall and burst into the bathroom, blasting past the other fashion juniors and turned to the stall, shouting, "Come out from there Ms. Taylor!! I heard you had a cigarette!!"

The sound of a flushing toilet could be heard, then Brittany stuck her head out from the stall saying, "What cigarette?"

"THAT cigarette," shot back Li. "Maybe I should force you to dive after it. Now come out from there, we're bound for my office!!"

Pistoning out her hand, Li, savagely grabbed at Brittany's left ear and tugged on it, dragging the head cheerleader out from the bathroom, Brittany shouting, "I'll make you stool pigeons pay for that!!"

Moments later, Stacy, Mack, Jodie, Angie, Lisa, Nikki and Kevin were waiting outside Ms. Li's office when Daria and Jane showed up, the latter saying, "What's all the fuss? Did Upchuck light a stinkbomb in the cafeteria?"

"Much worse," replied Kevin. "Britt got taken to Ms. Li's office for smoking in the girls' room, according to Stacy."

"Not to mention traumatising the fashion club," said Jodie. "How much you want to bet Brittany's going to be expeled for that?"

"How much you want to bet Brittany's going to be suspended for that?" said Mack.

"So the bimbo queen still didn't learn her lesson, huh?" said Daria. "Put me down on the bet that she gets expeled."

"And I say she gets suspended," said Jane.

"Be serious, all of you," said Angie. "If Brittany gets either one, it could be the end of her career as the head cheerleader here."

"Not only that," said Lisa, "she could be in a lot of trouble with her parents."

"Worse still," said Nikki, "we'd lose the best cheerleader the squad's had for years. I mean, there may be dozens of Rebecca Welshes but only one Brittany Taylor."

"Rebecca Welsh?" said a puzzled Kevin.

"Rumble Roses," said Stacy.

Just then, the door opened and Brittany stepped out, her jovial look still evident.

"So what happened, babe?" said Kevin. "You get suspended and/or expeled?"

"Neither," said Brittany, "I just got off with a warning, so no worries."

"No worries?" said Nikki. "Brittany, you're lucky you didn't get suspended, let alone expeled. What would your parents say?"

"You could've gotten ousted from the squad," said Lisa. "We don't want to lose you."

"Besides," said Angie, " all that secondhand smoke can turn into lung cancer, from which there's no cure for at all."

"To die of one thing or another," said Brittany. "So there's bound to be a trade off when it comes to pleasures."

"But I thought you'd give up smoking," said Daria.

"Listen, I tried for years," said Brittany gloomily. "You know how it is with habits--they're not easy to break, you know, on and off, on and off. Because of that, I haven't been able to quit."

"You can quit," said Mack. "It may be more difficult trying, but the results can be worth it. It's like getting back on the horse when you fall off it."

"The way I see it," said Brittany, "I don't think me and Old Paint can get along."

"You just got to keep trying, no matter how hard it seems," said Jodie. "Did you know that in a Gallup poll, that over 1800 billion people worldwide quit?"

"Make that 1800 billion and one," said Kevin. "I quit myself."

"You mean you smoked?" said Jane.

"No," said Kevin, "but I had an even worse monkey on my back--I was hooked on salami."

"Salami a bad habit?" said Brittany. "That don't sound like no bad habit."

"Oh no?" shot back Kevin. "You should hear how I spent all my bank money on salami. I used to be up to eight salamis a day. I mean, I was rolling in clover in salami; even when I went to a restraunt, all I ate was salami, wondering when it would stop...... until I found out salami was made of pork, which was a no no in my family.........so I moved onto hard stuff, as in real junk food-- strawberry Chewits, Quavers, Pascall Hanky Pankys, Mackintosh's Good News chocolates, Super Sonic burgers and Ocean Water sodas from Sonic, Goo Goo Clusters, Little Caesars Pizza Pizza, Valomilk, Subway sandwhiches, even Popeye's chicken.......till I got real fat, just like Sandi did, when she broke her leg.......until finally my dad convinced me I had to take a stand against junk food running my life--so I went and did the toughest thing of all--I went cold turkey."

Whistling, Lisa said, "That must've been tough."

"I'll say it was tough," said Kevin. "For seven months, all I ate was cold turkey sandwiches. Anyway, that was how I quit."

"What an impressive story, Kevvy," said Brittany. "I had no idea you went through a lot of strife."

"You should make a movie on that," said Daria, "and get Alec Baldwin to play you."

"Alec Baldwin as Kevin?" said Mack. "That WOULD be a tall order."

"You see, Brittany?" said Angie. "If Kevin can unlearn his bad habit, so can you--just put your trust in one of those anti smoking clinics, after all, your dad's rich to afford that."

"No' thanks," said Brittany, who shuddered. "I got a fear of hospitals and clinics; when I got my immunity baby shots, my dad had to get my baby doc to make a house call."

"Wait," ventured Daria, "why not set up our own clinic in Jane's basement? We can research from the 'net, the same methods the clinics use--aversion therapy.

"I get it," said Kevin, "we torture Britt to get her to stop smoking."

"EEP!!" squawked Brittany. "There's NO WAY you're using perversion therapy to torture me to stop smoking!!"

"It's NOT torture, Pom Poms For Brains," said Jane, "it's therapy, to help you stop your smoking habit. Starting to-morrow after school, we'll set up in the Lane Basement, the first Morgendorffer & Lane Cheap Clinic For The Cure Of Smoking. I'll get a hold of Trent and his fellow Mystik Sprial criminales to help out."

"Me and Mack can help out as well," said Jodie.

"After she stunk up the girls room," said Stacy, "I wanna help."

"We cheerleaders should stick together," said Nikki. "Count us in."

"Same with me," said Kevin. "Let's do it for Britt!!"

"And I'll get Tom," said Daria. Then under her breath, she muttered, "What a motley crew--the things we do to get a bimbo to stop stinking up with cigarette smoke."

As soon as they could after school, the Lawndale High tribes assembled in the basement of the Lane home (which had on one wall, some of Jane's art works and a few signs she painted, one of which said OH--YA on one wall), starting with Daria, Jane and Brittany, the head cheerleader saying, "You truly think you can get me to stop smoking?"

"We're going to try, Britt," said Daria, who gestured to a office chair with casters, saying, "Settle down; all we're trying to do is help you unlearn a bad habit."

Setting down on the chair, Brittany said, "If Kevvy could unlearn the whole 4th grade, I could unlearn smoking. I'll do whatever it takes to stop."

"Could you?" said Jane, just as Tom arrived, saying, "Daria, Jane, I take it you got everything set up; so here's the cheerleader who's been flicking her Bic to smoke them if she's got them."

"Taylor," said Brittany to Tom, "Brittany Taylor. You must be Daria's boyfriend."

"Still have been, for I don't know how long," said Tom. "I remember when I smoked."

"You smoked?" said Daria.

"Years ago," said Tom, "before I heard of cancer, so I quit myself."

"You know," said Jane, "if out clinic works on Little Ms. Rah Rah, we may use it on Trent to cure his smoking."

"That won't be easy, Janey," said Trent, who came in with his Mystik Sprial bandmates Jesse, Nick and Max in tow, then set up their instruments and amplifiers, before the rest showed up--Kevin, Jodie, Mack, Angie, Lisa, Nikki and Stacy; seeing that, Daria said, "Guess the masses and our fellow specialists have showed up for our first patient. Everyone know your roles?"

"SURE!!" the group said in unison.

"Then let's get started," said Daria. "First up is Shock Aversion."

"Shock Aversion," said Jane and Kevin, as they produced two red push button switches, each with a single wire, and a roll of black tape.

"What you going to do with that," said Brittany fearfully, "turn me into Frankenstein?"

"The truth is, " said Jane, "Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. Anyhow, they're just two barbeque ignitors we bought."

From there, Jane and Kevin secured the end of each wire with black tape onto Brittany's wrists, the former saying, "Here's what we plan to do: we'll use the ignitors to make the shock effect."

"You see, babe?" said Kevin, who was lighting up his girl's cigarette, "Every time you smoke that, me and Jane will shock you, so that you don't wanna smoke no more."

"OK, get on with it," said Daria.

And get on with it they did, Jane and Kevin each taking the ignitor in hand, but when they pushed on the red buttons, they recoiled in shock, shouting as they jumped.

"What happened?" said Brittany. "When do you shock me?"

"Something's not right," said Daria. "Try it on me."

Which Jane and Kevin did, taping the ignitor wires on to Daria's wrists, then pusheing down on the plungers, Daria jumping up and shouting in pain and saying, "Let's try it again,"

Which they did, reattatching the wires to Brittany's wrists, but when they pushed down on the plunger, Daria, who nad been seated on the top of an old oil drum, jumped up in pain from the shock, and after getting her head together, said, "Let's try the next one--Scorn Aversion."

"Scorn Aversion!!" chorused the others, everyone surrounding Brittany, booing, hissing and blowing raspberries at her and making rude remarks.

"Shame, shame on Brittany!!" said Mack.

"Babe, you should be tarred and feathered!!" said Kevin.

"Imagine, smoking cigarettes!!" said Jodie.

"Shame, shame on you-u-u-u-u-u," said Lisa in a singsong way.

"Po' widdle Bwittany, she woves to smoke cigarettes," said Nikki in a baby voice.

"You deserve a spanky spanky," said Angie.

"That ain't no good," said Stacy. "Let's spike her mouthwash with Tabasco."

And so it went with the insults, till Daria said, "Care Aversion!!"

"Care Aversion!!" said Stacy, who came foward and knelt beside Brittany, held onto the surprised head cheerleader and said in a fearful way, "Oh please!! Please stop smoking cigarettes!! You could die from all that cigarette smoke and lung cancer and everyone would cry for you and miss you a lot!!" then bawled off her head, burying her face in Brittany's shoulder.

"Just a minute!!" said Brittany. "What's all that got to do with the cure of smoking?"

"Didn't you hear what she just told you?" said Daria, muttering, "Some people can be so ignorant." After a pause, she added, "Water Aversion!!"

"Water Aversion!!" said Jane who got out two super soaker type water guns, handed one to Daria and they aimed their guns and blasted spurts of water on Brittany, taking potshots on her, tille the head cheerleader was drenched.

"HELP!!" screamed Brittany. "Man the lifeboats!!"

After the water had been depleated from the guns, Daria said, "Spin Aversion."

"Spin Aversion," said Jodie and Mack, who surrounded the drenched Brittany and spun her around on her office chair, chanting, "You must not smoke, you must not smoke, you must not smoke, you must not smoke, you must not smokeyou must not smokeyou must not smoke YOU MUST NOT SMOKEYOUMUSTNOTSMOKEYOUMUSTNOTSMOKEYOUMUSTNOTSMOKE!!!!" speeding up their spin as the did so, until Brittany was almost spinning at a breakneck pace.

"Jodie!!" said Mack. "You're spinning her too fast!!"

"Sorry," said a crestfallen Jodie. "Guess I got carried away."

"If she carries on like that," said Jane to Daria, "Jodie'll get carried away--to the insane asylum."

"Maybe," said Daria.

Eventually, Brittany did stop spinning, but to her, it felt like she was still spinning as the room interior spun all 'round her, the sound of birds chirping, a cuckoo sound over and over and children cheering.

"Brittany?" said Jodie. "You OK?"

"Up and at em', Brittany," said Mack. "Come on, wake up."

For Brittany, the spinning continued along with the mixture of noises.

"Say something, babe," said Kevin

At that point, Brittany did recover, saying, "Something."

"Least they got her spin dried," said Jane.

"That is what I call a miracle recovery," said Daria. "Sight Aversion."

"Sight Aversion," chorused Lisa, Angie and Nikki as they surrounded Brittany as before, then Lisa spoke in a British accent to Brittany: "People should not smoke at all, rahther." Then Nikki said in a hillbilly accent, "People shouldn't smoke tobacc-y." Last came Angie who walked up and said, "You know.........I've been smoking 12 packs of cigarettes for 12 years, and I've felt perfectly fine." Then she coughed and convulsed, then fell on the floor, on her back, then got up.

"Sound Aversion," said Daria.

"Sound Aversion," said Trent, who, along with Jesse and Nick, set up their amplifiers to surround Brittany in a trangular way, the speakers facing her, then, along with Max, got their instruments and played a frenzied number that he and his bandmates wrote for the occasion:

A slave to a stick of tobacco, which in truth, is an absolute no no cancer in the lungs, just ain't no fun your family may cry, when it's from secondhand smoke you may die

From there, the Mystik Sprial guys played a drum and guitar stab crescendo for the chorus, whilst Brittany stuck her fingers in her ears:


Having finished their number, Trent and his bandmates rolled away their amplifiers, Brittany dazed by the audio assault and shaking her head and that was when Daria announced, "OK, Smell Aversion."

"What?" said Brittany.

"Smell Aversion," said Tom, carrying a tray of different coffee cans over to where Brittany was, held out one of the cans close to her face and said, "Smell that."

Sniffing the inside of the can, Brittany choked and coughed, saying, "EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Cigarette butts grinded together with stinkweed," said Tom. "Smell that, it's cigars, soggy and wet with week old motor oil."

Sniffing that, the head cheerleader's eyes watered as she got sicker before Tom shoved a third can under her nose, saying, "Smell that, it's pipe and smokeless tobacco, mixed with fish eggs. Smell that."

Upon sniffing what was in the fourth can, Brittany reeled back, gasping, "UGGH!! That stinks just like my dirty laundry!!"

"I know," said Angie, "we went to your clothing hamper and got your sweat sox."

"Which brings to mind," said Daria, "the ultimate last ditch effort adversion phase; if that doesn't stop your smoking habit in its tracks, I don't know what can--Excess Aversion!!"

"Excess Aversion!!" said everyone, jamming in Brittany's mouth, a cigarette and lighting it, till her mouth was crammed with 14 lit cigarettes, so it was no wonder the head cheerleader was turning green in the face and getting sick from all the excessive smoke.

"What you got to say now, Miss Pufferbelly?" said Daria.

Brittany replied with a lot of hacking coughs and convulsions before grabbing a nearby waste paper basket and spat out the cigarettes into the basket and coughed into it excessively to the point of her face turning red.

"Doesn't taste so good, does it, Britt?" said Daria.

"It's what I thought," said Jane. "So much for the illustrious career of Miss Puff."

A week had passed since the first attempt to cure Brittany's smoking; right now it was at the Lawndale High cafeteria, where Daria and Jane were grumbling over the food, and its deteriorating quality, when kevin showed up saying, "Daria, Jane, you've seen Britt?"

"As in Our Horn Went Eep Eep Eep?" said Daria. "She sure looked like she had a smug look on her face as if the therapy didn't fase her."

"As long as she was on a nutural high, not an herb supply," said Jane.

Just then, a joival Brittany, her face radiant, arrived and chirped, "Daria!! Jane!! Guess what? It's been a week since I stopped smoking, knock on wood."

"How's it feel since you hung up your slavery to the stick of tobacco?" said Jane.

"A whole lot better," said Brittany, producing a oaken wodden pipe and sticking it in her mouth, "since I got a pipe."

"All hail, Sherlock Taylor," said Daria. "Only you're still smoking."

"Still smoking?" said a troubled Kevin. "Oh,babe, all that work we did trying to get you to stop and you start all over again!!"

"Take it easy, huh?" said Brittany. "According to a Gallup poll, smoking a pipe is less harmful than cigarettes." Then upon seeing Kevin unwrap a sandwhich, she asked, "Where'd you get that sandwhich?"

"At the cafeteria, where else?" said the QB.

"But Kevvy," said a suspicious Brittany, her eyes narrowing, "I smell salami--it's a salami sandwich, I thought you kicked that habit!!"

Hearing that however, Lisa, Nikki and Angie, who happened to be eating at a near table, got up and came over to where Kevin was, Lisa saying, "How disillusioning of you, Kevin,"

"You're just as bad as Brittany was," said Nikki.

"I say there's only one thing that can save our QB now," said Angie, "Smell Aversion!!"

"Smeel Aversion!!" said Brittany, who reached into the rubbish can nearby to look for anything pungent, whilst Kevin protested, "Just a minute, babe!! Since when is it a crime to eat salami on occasion?"

"You're the one that said salami was made of pork," said Jane, "and pork was a no no in your famly."

"Listen, if you had to deal with the rest of the bad food they got here," said Kevin, "you'd have to turn into a salami drunkie."

Realising how bad the situation could get if Brittany and her cheerleaders got out of hand with trying to use their smell aversion on Kevin, Daria spoke up: "Wait, all of you!! I got a compromise--Kevin will give up salami, if Brittany gives up smoking, OK?"

How 'bout it, babe?" said Kevin.

Thinking it over, Brittany mused over that and said, "Why not?"

Whilst the other cheerleaders went back to their table, Kevin tossed his salami sandwhich in the rubbish can and Brittany dropped her pipe in it as well, and from there, she and Kevin went all over the cafeteria, collecting from all sorts of hidden spots, cigarettes and salamis and dumped them in the can as well.

Turning to Daria, Jane asked, "Think we can use our adversion therapy to get Trent to stop smoking?"

"Someday, Jane," said Daria, "maybe someday.............."