Acknowledgements: Thanks to everyone who contributed to the mental duress and psychological scarring known as law school. I have learned many things that I couldn't even begin to understand beforehand. Whether that's a Good Thing, I'll leave to you.

Legal Stuff: "Daria" and all related characters are copyright and TM of MTV and VIACOM. The following is a work of parody, created solely for the Author's personal amusement, for the purpose of learning the method of writing a teleplay, for the purpose of critiquing the whole zoo that we know as the American Criminal Justice System, and not for any commercial purpose whatsoever. The Author does not wish nor intend to do any of the wonderful creative people at MTV Animation out of any part of their market, as he respects the hard work, dedication, and Old-world craftsmanship they put into each and every show. See Campbell v. Acuff-Rose Music 510 U.S. 569 (1994).

All rights not belonging to MTV, VIACOM, their successors, or assigns, are reserved by the Author of this parody.

Production Note: I've ditched a lot of the frills I used to add to my stuff, in order to write it faster. It's also easier to edit this way. You'll also notice that I've cut down on a lot of the camera angles. I've only used them when I felt it was absolutely necessary to preserve my vision. Or something. The notes are a little bare right now, but I'm sure they'll fill out as you ask questions. If you have any questions, (or if you want to hire me as a writer <g>), please email me.

Roll Into. to Daria in "Herroner."

ACT I.

Fade In.

Int. -- Ms. Li's Office. -- Day.

Ms. Li is sitting behind her desk, writing, as the phone rings.

Yes? Oh, hello, Superintendent Blank. (Beat.) Yes, I'm aware that our yearly squash match with Oakwood is coming up. (Beat.) Yes, I know we need to practice, but I've been so busy with these after-school disciplinary proceedings-- (Beat.) Why, that's a great idea, sir. (Beat.) Yes, that should free up plenty of time for practice. How about we meet at the club daily for the next few weeks? That should give us enough time to get ready to crush those jerks from Oakwood. I refuse to lose the bet this year. Just give me until Friday to set this up. I have just the teacher in mind for this.

Int. -- Mr. DeMartino's Classroom. -- Later that Day.

Mr. D. is leading an interesting discussion...

Now, can ANYONE tell us about how the early HISTORY of the Colonial United States INFLUENCED the development of its system of JURISPRUDENCE? (Beat.) Kevin?

Uh...

Never mind, Kevin. It wasn't FAIR of me to call on you, as it's OBVIOUS you have TOO FEW NEURONS left for me to recklessly ENDANGER them by asking you a probing QUESTION. A QUESTION that in theory you would know the ANSWER to if you would EVER bother to read the BOOK! (Calms down.) Now, who can answer my question? (Beat. Sighs.) Daria?

When the original British colonists settled North America, they brough their judicial system along with them-- a pre-literate anachronistic system developed in the late Dark Ages to ensure that the rights of peasants to own pigs could not be infringed upon, unless, of course, it wasn't convenient at the time. Since we still live in a pre-literate society, it's managed to retain some of its usefulness and charm.

Thank you, Daria. Now, Class, in order for us to LEARN more about how this pre-literate judicial system works, Ms. Li has presented us with a UNIQUE OPPORTUNITY to study it first hand. We will be establishing a student court system to try violators of school rules. Yes, Daria?

Will the rich students be able to buy their way out?

No.

Daria turns to Jane.

So much for making it an accurate simulation of the criminal justice system.

Jane smirks back.

Cut back to DeM.

In order to make the selection system as FAIR as possible, or at least as RANDOM as any ELECTION, I've placed jobs for each of you on these slips of paper. (Places slips of paper into a hat. Hands hat to Upchuck.) You will be required to fulfill the duties of your position for the next THREE weeks.

Cut to Upchuck as he reads a slip of paper, leering at it.

Judge Rrrrutheimer, at your serrrvice.

Cut to Daria and Jane.

Those poor misbehaving cheerleaders. I guess he'll have to spank each and every one of them himself.

He's such a noble and self-sacrificing soul.

Cut to Mack and Jodie. Jodie grabs the hat, and sticks her hand in.

I know what it says before I even take it out.

Mack looks at Jodie and raises an eyebrow.

(Shows paper to Mack without looking at it.) It says prosecutor, doesn't it?

Yep.

Why am I always the heavy? (Beat.) What did you get?

Defense counsel. (Passes hat to Kevin.)

Alright! Mack Daddy! We're on the same team!

Don't call me that. You're on defense, too?

Yeah, buuut...

But what?

How can I be on defense if I'm the QB? Shouldn't I be on offense instead?

There's no offense in court.

How do you keep score then?

Mack buries his head in his hands and groans.

Why do I ever bother to ask? Why?

Ooo! Assistant Prosecutor! We get to work together Jodie! Aren't you excited?

Oooh, yeah.

Cut to Daria and Jane. Jane grabs the hat.

C'mon, executioner! (Pulls out slip. Shrugs.) Hmph. Bailiff. Close enough, I guess. I wonder if they'll give me pair of handcuffs, or if I'll have to use my own. And a billy club. I'd really like to have my own billy club. (Passes hat to Daria.) Hey, maybe you'll luck into the job.

I wish. (Pulls out slip.) Judge. (Beat.) Figures.

Hey, that's almost as good. Besides, haven't you always wanted to sit in judgment of your fellow students?

Well, yeah, but usually it's in more of a Final Judgment setting. You know, lake of burning sulfur, that sort of thing. This is almost as good. It actually might not suck. (Beat.) Too much.

Hey, now, don't start getting all optimistic on me.

Oh, God. I just realized something.

What?

If my mother finds out, she'll never let me hear the end of it. (Imitates Helen.) Oooh! A judge! That's fascinating! (Normal voice.) Before you know it, she'll start pushing me to do stuff like debate. It could get really ugly, really fast.

Well, you could always distract her by telling her how much you'd love to start playing the flute again.

Daria shoots Jane a dirty look.

Hey, just tryin' to help.

Int. -- Mr. O'Neill's Classroom. -- Same Day.

Quinn and Stacy are seated in the back, whispering to each other as Mr. O'Neill is in the middle of a lecture.

Well, class, this has been such a stimulating week of discussion that I'd like to see what you've learned from listening to your fellow classmates. So, clear your desks, get out a sheet of paper, and let's have a little quiz!

Oh, no! I didn't even read the stupid book!

Okay, now I want you to tell me the names of three characters you identified with, and why.

The other students, Stacy included, start writing. Quinn stares at her paper with a look of dismay. She writes her name on it, then stops and stares at the blank page.

Cut to a shot of the clock. The second hand is moving.

Cut back to a shot of Quinn. She's getting even more nervous. She starts tapping her pen.

Cut back to a closer shot of the clock. As the second hand is moving, you can hear it ticking louder and louder.

Cut back to CU of Quinn.

Cut to WS of Mr. O'Neill, POV Quinn. Quinn looks up at Mr. O'Neill, who is sitting at his desk, writing something.

Cut back to MS of Quinn. She looks around briefly, and slowly starts to lean towards Stacy's paper, just as Mr. O'Neill looks up from his writing. Mr. O'Neill looks at Quinn, and a pained expression crosses his face.

Int. -- Mr. O'Neill's Classroom. -- 10 minutes later.

Okay, class, hand in your papers. (Bell rings.) Uh, Quinn, I'd like to see you for a minute after class.

As the students file out, Quinn approaches Mr. O'Neill's desk.

You wanted to see me?

Quinn, I'm afraid I have some bad news. During the quiz, I noticed that you were leaning over towards Stacy and, sadly, looking at her paper. Now I understand that you're under a lot of pressure these days--

I am!

but I can't let you neglect your studies like this. I'm afraid that I can't ignore this.

Why can't you just give me an F?

I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to refer this to the new Student Court.

But I'm popular!

I'm sorry, Quinn. The school has a clear policy against cheating. And when we cheat, aren't we truly only cheating ourselves? Believe me, I hate having to do this more than you do-- but it's for your own good. You've got to learn to establish boundaries.

Have you been talking to my mother again?

Int. -- Mr. DeMartino's Classroom -- Next Day.

Ms Li is giving the future jurists a lecture...

Now, as members of the Student Court, your duty is to make sure that justice is served for the guilty-- I mean, accused, and make sure that they are punished accordingly.

Rrrowr!

And that brings me to another point-- I expect everyone, especially you judges, to make sure you don't abuse your positions. I'll review your decisions in a few weeks, and if I see anything that looks suspicious, you can count on me to handle it appropriately.

What if they aren't guilty?

Please, Ms. Morgendorffer, they wouldn't be here if they weren't guilty. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a very important squa-- uh, meeting to attend to.

Ms. Li walks out of the room.

Well, now, this seems more like the criminal justice system we all know and love.

What did you expect?

I dunno, I guess some little remnant of idealism managed to evade containment, and allowed me to hope that not everything we're taught has a basis in hypocrisy.

Daria, this is the US. Hypocrisy is one of the building blocks of our entire culture-- we couldn't function without it.

I know, silly me.

Mr. DeMartino walks in.

Now, I have the SCHEDULE for the week's court sessions. Daria, you start hearing cases tomorrow. Charles, you start on Thursday. Now, while it's not REQUIRED, I'd recommend that you FAMILIARIZE yourself with some of the priniciples of criminal PROCEDURE, if not for your OWN edification, then at least for the benefit of your poor CLASSMATES. And if THAT'S too much for you, then you can ALWAYS use this. (Hands them a pamphlet.)

"The Bill of Rights, Your Grenade Launcher, and You, brought to you by your local NRA" Great. This'll really be helpful.

It's nice to know that Ms. Li has been accepting donations of books again.

Int. -- A Classroom at LHS -- Next Day.

The various accused students are seated in the back of the room in folding chairs. Two tables have been set up in the front of the room, facing the (now vacant) teacher's desk. Jodie and Brittany are seated at one table, and Kevin and Mack are seated at the other. Jane is standing by the door with an evil smirk on her face as she spots Quinn in the crowd. Jane also has a pair of handcuffs hanging casually from her belt.

Cut to outside the door. Daria is standing outside of the door, wearing a black robe, and not looking very comfortable in it at all. Jane opens the door slightly so she can talk to her.

Ready to go, your Honor?

No, but I guess that won't stop you now, will it?

Well, if it makes you feel any better, you do look good in black.

Thanks a lot.

Relax, you'll do fine. Just remember, you're not the one on trial.

I'll try to keep that in mind. (Sighs.) I guess we might as well start the show.

Oh, by the way, I guess I ought to warn you-- there's a surprise defendant in the audience. Don't let it throw you off.

Really? Who?

Now, now, be patient. You'll see in just a second.

Okay, okay, let's get this started, Rusty.

Cut back to original view of room from the back.

All rise. Oyez, oyez! The Student Court of Lawndale High School is now in session, Judge Daria Morgendorffer presiding.

The students all rise as Daria walks into the room in her robe and combat boots, of course.

Cut to XCU of Quinn. The look of shock and horror on her face is priceless. (Or would be, if you could see it.)

As Daria walks into the room, she looks over at Quinn and smiles-- a great big smile.

FADE OUT. END ACT I. Run Bumper Music during SLO-MO of Quinn turning to see Daria and that look of shock and horror on her face.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.

ACT II.

FADE IN.

Int. -- A Classroom at LHS -- Same Day. No time has elapsed.

Be seated. Okay, let's hear the first case. Prosecution?

Jodie grabs the first folder off of the top of her stack.

The school calls the case of Lawndale High v. #030883923.

Did I miss something? When did we all become numbers?

I think it was right before we had the radio transmitters installed in our back molars. It's an anonymity thing for the student involved. They call em out by SSN.

Ah. Well, now I know why that number sounds familiar. (To Quinn.) Well, number 030883923, are you coming or not?

Quinn, who is obviously a bit stunned, walks to the defense table. Jodie looks over at Quinn, and her eyebrows shoot up.

Your honor, can we have a sidebar? (Beat.) Now?

I don't see why not. (To Kevin.) Defense, would you join us?

Where?

At the sidebar.

She's taking us to a bar? Cool! I didn't even know she had a fake ID!

Shut up, Kevin. I'll go by myself.

Quinn walks past Kevin and Mack, and meets with Jodie and Daria.

Okay, prosecution, what is it?

Your honor, don't you think that you ought to recuse yourself?

Why?

Well, don't you think that there's a conflict of interest here?

Oh, yes, there most certainly is.

So, does the defendant wish to have a different judge?

Oh, yes, the defendant most certainly does.

Well then, I'm sure that Judge Ruttheimer would just love to have you in his courtroom. Shall I schedule your hearing for tomorrow?

Uh, never mind.

Are you sure, Quinn?

Are you kidding? At least this way I have a chance to save some shred of dignity.

Jane leans over to Daria

I wouldn't bet on that.

Daria smiles serenely.

Okay, then, let's prepare for a trial in one week from today.

Aren't you forgetting something, your honor?

Oh, is there a sale scheduled for that day?

The charges?

Oh, yeah. Well, prosecutor, what'd she do?

Allegedly do.

Wow, Quinn, I am impressed. Have you been going through mom's briefcase again? You know she doesn't keep the platinum card there anymore.

I've sat through almost as many of those stupid family court sessions as you have. I guess it must rub off or something.

The charge is looking on another student's paper during a pop quiz.

Who was the other student involved?

Stacy Rowe.

Stacy, Quinn? I'm disappointed. If you're going to cheat, you should at least cheat off of someone who has a clue. Was Ms. Rowe also charged, counsellor?

No, your honor, she was unaware.

No surprise there.

Well, at least that saves us another trial. So, who's the complaining witness?

Mr. O'Neill.

Mr. O'Neill? Hm. Okay, counsellors, prepare for a trial, Wednesday afternoon. And let me remind all of you that these proceedings are to be kept strictly confidential.

Huh?

She means that you're not allowed to talk about the case to anybody.

How are we supposed to prepare, then?

Good luck, counsellors, I think you may need it.

Why does she keep talking about counselors? Mrs. Manson isn't here, is she?

She meant-- never mind. Thanks, your honor. I think we're going to need it. (Looks over at Jodie.) Are we ever going to need it.

Okay, next case.

Int. -- Morgendorffer Home Base -- Daria's Room -- That Evening.

Daria is laying down on her bed, reading Crime and Punishment. Someone knocks at the door.

Pirhana feeding is tomorrow. You're early

Quinn opens the door.

What are you talking about?

Never mind. What do you want?

I've been thinking.

Congratulations. Does mom know?

Don't interrupt. I've been thinking that you hearing my case isn't the best idea.

And you think that Upchuck hearing it is better? I'm sure he'd love to punish you in his own special way.

Well, isn't it obvious?

Isn't what obvious? That O'Neill caught you looking at Stacy's paper?

See what I mean? You're already biased against me. You're always complaining that people aren't fair to you, but you're not being fair to me, just because you don't like me.

Quinn, why ever would you think that your cousin would be biased against you? (Quinn gives her a dirty look. Daria sighs.) Okay, look, Quinn, I might be joking a little about your predicament, but you can believe me that I take the whole thing very seriously. Believe it or not, I am trying to look out for your best interests-- you just may not approve of the way that I'm doing it. You have my promise that I will listen to your case and give you a fair and just hearing. (Beat.) But if the evidence shows that you cheated, I'll find you guilty, and no amount of eyelash fluttering or money will change my mind. Now, you may get off in Ruttheimer's court with just a spanking, but remember, Ms. Li is going to review all of our decisions in a few weeks, anyway, so you'd be back at square one, and you'd still have lost some pride.

Okay, okay, you're still on the case, just one condition-- not a word to mom.

Okay, but on one condition-- not a word to mom about my sudden rise to judicial status, either.

Deal.

Deal. (Quinn walks to the door.) Oh, and Quinn? (Quinn pauses at the door.) Do yourself a favor right away and fire Kevin as your defense counsel.

Don't worry-- I was already planning to fire Kevin after I got done talking to you.

Int. -- Lawndale High School -- Hallway -- Morning -- A day or two later.

As Quinn and her F.C. friends are talking, Daria and Jane approach from behind Quinn, unnoticed.

I'm sorry Sandi, but I can't make that outing to Cashman's next week, I, uh, have some business to attend to.

Really? Whatever could keep you from the Pre End of Early Mid Spring Closeout Sale? You're not doing something like quiz bowl, are you?

Quinn shudders.

Eww, no! Sandi, how could you even think I could do such a thing? (Beat. Offhand tone.) No, I just have to take care of some nagging little business.

At this point, Daria and Jane stop at a safe eavesdropping distance and listen.

What sort of business do you have to attend to?

Oh, it's nothing I can't get out of-- it's, well, I got roped into some stupid school stuff just for the one day, I promise. (Shrugs.) You know how it is here. What can I say, I'm just popular.

Okay, but I don't want you to start making a habit out of this sort of thing. It could seriously interfere with your more important activities, like keeping your wardrobe current. (Beat.) And you of all people should know the importance of that.

Don't worry, I know my priorities, Sandi.

Daria glowers at Quinn, who doesn't see her. PAN and ZOOM away from Quinn to Daria and Jane.

And here I was thinking that I was going to go easy on her.

Yeah, but are you sure you really want to interfere with her shopping? It does give you one benefit, you know.

And that is...?

Jane shrugs.

It keeps her out of the house.

As Daria and Jane turn around a corner, Quinn spots them and tries to get close enough to eavesdrop as well.

Well, if she thinks she can sweet-talk her way out of this one, she's got a nasty surprise awaiting her.

You're gonna go hard on her?

Well, somebody has to. She's been coddled way too long. Mom hasn't been able to impress upon her cute little mind that she can't keep skating through life without taking responsibility for her actions. (Beat. Sighs.) I guess it falls on me to bring her back down to earth. Again.

Quinn looks frustrated and walks off.

It's just that like it or not, she is my sister, and I can't just let her wind up as a cocktail waitress, no matter how it might amuse me short-term.

Wow, you really are worried about her.

I know, sick isn't it?

And the best way you can show her you care is to bring her little world crashing down around her. (Beat.) Boy, she's gonna love you.

Mmmph.

Int. -- Daria's Room -- A few days later.

Daria and Jane are sitting down on the bed, watching SSW.

What a day. I'm exhausted.

Me, too. My feet hurt from standing for so long.

My brain hurts from having to hear all of those miserable cases.

Aw, c'mon, don't you get just a little rush from the power?

No, just a headache from all the responsibility. I know one thing's for sure-- I'm going to have to do some more research if I'm going to get this done right.

He showed up in court with his briefs, but left his boxers at home! The nudist jurisprudist, next! On Sick Sad World!

Man, I hate reruns. Let's finish that game of Warrior King we started the other night.

Daria shuts off the TV, and she and Jane head over to the computer. Daria sits at the screen, clicks the mouse a few times, and frowns.

Hm, it seems that I've managed to capture a spy in my own household.

Really? Well, that explains how the barbarians have been managing to know exactly where to pillage.

Well, now that I've captured that spy, it's time to find out who she really is.

Wow, looks like the traitor is your very own sister.

Cut to MS of Daria's Door from the hallway. It's slightly ajar. Quinn walks up to the door, but decides to eavesdrop before knocking.

Well, sister or not, she must be dealt with accordingly.

What're you going to do?

I don't know. Any suggestions?

Well, you could always make an example out of her-- something to make others think before they try to flout your laws. Hmm, let's see... What are your options?

According to this, I can let her go, have her publicly humiliated, or beheaded.

Quinn blanches.

Beheaded? Really?

No, I was kidding. Besides, it'd make me look bad if I had my own sister beheaded. I'll just go for public humiliation.

Quinn runs from the door.

Cut back to MS of Daria and Jane at the Computer.

Hm. Looks like it improved your standing with your ring-thanes. Maybe they won't overthrow you for a while now.

Well, if they do, we can always find out just how sqeamish the game designers were. I still have my two-handed battleaxe, and it's still really sharp.

Yeah, I guess it's tough to overthrow a king when you're in a thousand little pieces.

Well, if they won't support the Clan MacMorgendorffer, then they can always join the Clan McNugget.

Int. -- Sedimentary Rock Country Club -- Indoor Tennis and Squash Courts. -- Same Afternoon.

Jodie is walking off of one of the courts, having just finished returning a bunch of auto-serves. She grabs her towel, and walks into the corridor of the indoor complex, heading for the exit. As she walks up the stairs, she looks down into one of the squash courts and sees Ms. Li and Supt. Blank playing a very intense squash game. She makes sure that nobody's around, and gets a little closer to the wall in the hope of hearing something.

Herman, you're a genius. By dumping those boring disciplinary hearings on that silly Student Court, I can free up at least 8 hours a week for practice.

Well, Angela, it's imperative that we win the bet with Oakwood this year. I refuse to let Tish and Fred win the damn bet again. I could really use the money this year. Besides, it's a win-win for all of us-- we humiliate Oakwood and win the bet, and the students get to feel empowered.

Unless, of course, I have to reverse their decisions.

Both chuckle. Jodie scowls, and walks out of the building.

Int. -- Morgendorffer Family Room -- Later That Day.

Daria is reading a book on criminal procedure that is apparently so riveting that she's started to nod off. Helen walks in and closes the door.

Hm? What? I'm up!

Hi sweetie! Have a good day?

Mom, aren't you home a little early? It's still daylight.

Daria fumbles for a second to try to hide the book, but it's too late. Helen sees the book, and raises her eyebrows.

Crim Pro? Is one of your friends in trouble again?

Would you believe that I'm having trouble sleeping again?

Daria, no insomnia could be that bad.

Okay, okay, it's for a class.

Really? What for?

We're studying the criminal justice system, and I figured this would help.

You need a criminal procedure hornbook for one of your classes? That's a bit odd.

Okay, okay, Ms. Li created a Student Court, and I got stuck being a judge.

A judge? Congratulations, dear!

It's no big deal, mom. It's only for the next couple of weeks. Don't think I've suddenly gotten the urge to practice law.

Helen sighs.

Well, a mother can dream, can't she? (Daria gives her a look that says "Dream all you want.") Do you know how I got that book?

Um, I'm guessing that it wasn't at the bookstore, was it?

Helen sighs nostalgically.

Cross Fade to: (with harp music, of course)

Int. -- Middleton Law School -- 1974.

A young Helen Barksdale is sitting in a sea of fresh young faces--most of which are male. Meanwhile, prehistoric Professor Barney Smith enters the classroom-- he looks like he's straight out of "Paper Chase," wearing a rumpled tweed suit with vest, bowtie, and a sullen, sour expression.

Now, let's not waste any time. On to today's lesson, which will continue our discussion about the right to counsel in state courts. Yesterday, we discussed the rationale behind the Supreme Court's decision in Betts v. Brady. Now, let us move on to Gideon v. Wainwright. Miss Barksdale, tell us all about it.

Cut to a shot of Helen, who looks surprised-- nay, frozen in the headlights.

Uhm, uh.

What's wrong, girl, cat got your tongue? Or are you just too lazy to prepare for class like a serious student?

I was petrified-- I knew the case cold, but for some reason, I couldn't speak. It was the first time I'd ever been called on in law school, and I had no idea how to react.

If you can't find your voice Miss Barksdale, might I suggest that you find something more useful to do with your time, like maybe finding yourself a rich husband and having a few babies? Because you are obviously squandering a valuable position in the class that some other more deserving student could better use.

Cut back to shot of Helen. It's a slow XCU of her-- she looks completely mortified-- the other students are grinning, albeit nervously.

It was awful. That old bastard had humiliated me in front of everyone in my class. Until then, I'd never felt so small in my entire life. But I got even. (Beat.) Boy, did I get even.

Int. -- Helen and Jake's Pad -- 1974.

Helen is sitting at a rickety kitchen table, studying like a demon, while Jake is cooking something in a large stew pot. Time passes. The clock shows 1:00, and it's dark outside. Jake is nowhere to be found.

Cut to a shot of Helen studying in the law library.

Cut to a shot of Helen studying while Jake is driving the car. She's getting circles under her eyes from all the work.

Cut to a shot of Jake reading Helen flash cards about various cases in a grocery store checkout line.

I studied like I'd never studied before. I studied at all hours. Why, your father even helped me when he wasn't studying for his MBA. But it was all worth it.

Int. -- Law School -- A Few Months Later (Spring 1975).

Professor Barney Smith is at the podium, about to present the book award for Criminal Procedure.

When finals were done, it was time for the book awards for top grades in each class.

And the book award for Criminal Procedure goes to-- (Beat.) (His face turns beet red, and looks as if a vessel is about to burst.) To-- (He just looks at Helen in angry disbelief.)

Cut to a shot of Helen, standing up in the audience with an satisfied smile on her face.

Helen Barksdale, I believe. (The professor shoots her a look of pure hatred. Since he doesn't say it's not her, Helen walks up to the stage to get her award, shakes his hand, and takes the book from him as he just looks on in angry stunned disbelief.)

Really, Professor, if you have such difficulty with public speaking, maybe you should consider finding yourself a rich wife and giving your position on the faculty to someone more deserving.

Cut Back to the present-day Morgendorffer house. Helen and Daria are seated on the couch. Daria looks slightly surprised at her mother.

You didn't really say that to him, did you?

You bet your sweet-- (Sweetens her tone.) um, of course I did. Learning to deal with that awful old mysogenistic fossil taught me a lot about standing up for myself, and fighting for what I believe in. Of course, I'd've never admitted to anyone that that old jerk taught me anything, but he taught me quite a lot, actually.

But didn't you always stand up for what you believe in?

Oh, that was just showing off in front of my friends. It's easy to talk a good game around your friends, Daria, but to actually stand up for yourself against people with power over you? Now that takes courage-- courage I didn't even know I had until I needed it, and courage I hope to see in both you and your sister someday.

Cut to CU Daria. She looks away from Helen.

Mmm.

Int. -- Morgendorffer House -- Later That Evening.

As usual, the family is seated at one of their dysfunctional dinners. The phone rings.

Helloo! (Beat.) Oh, yes, she's right here. Daria, it's Jodie.

Quinn arches an eyebrow, but says nothing. Daria looks at her, shugs, and grabs the phone.

Jodie? Hang on a sec-- let me take this upstairs.

Now that's odd. She doesn't usually take the phone upstairs. Do you know anything about it, Quinn?

Um... no. Should I?

Well, I was just wondering. Never mind.

Quinn breathes a sigh of relief.

Int. -- Daria's Room -- A minute later.

Daria walks in the room and closes the door behind her.

Okay, what's up?

Daria sits on the edge of her bed. Slide in a split screen of Jodie in her bedroom. (Naturally, it's full of trophies.)

You'll never believe what I saw this afternoon at the club.

The masses forcing their way in to take their rightful place at the putting green?

No, worse. I saw Ms. Li and Supt. Blank playing squash.

Mmm-hmm. And this is suspicious because...?

Don't you see? She created the whole Student Court thing as a way to dump her job on us. We do her job, and get stuck playing the heavy.

I'll admit that that sucks, but why should that surprise you?

Yes, but they have some sort of big game with some people from Oakwood. Apparently this is a big enough deal that they have some sort of under-the-table big money bet going. Now can you see why I'm furious?

Now I do. I don't suppose there's any way we can foil her evil plan?

I was hoping that you had an idea.

Sorry, fresh out. Either way, we're screwed. If we let everyone off, she'll just take the extra time to punish them all herself, and then probably go after us. If we don't let everyone off, then she still wins-- we look like the bad guys, and she comes out smelling like a rose. And extortion by itself won't quite be enough of a lever against her. Damn. This lesson in the criminal justice system is getting more and more realistic every hour. Hm. (Beat.) Wait a sec-- let me look something up real quick. (Daria grabs the Crim Pro book and starts leafing through it.) Ha! We've got her, Jodie, and there won't be a thing she can do to stop us.

Really? How?

Oh, this is too good. Have you ever heard of something called a deferred prosecution?

No, what is it?

It's simple. The defendant agrees to some sort of punishment-- you know, like washing garbage cans, or something equally unpleasant, like fundraising. Meanwhile, you as the prosecution agree to drop the charges upon completion of the tasks. It's a win-win scenario-- evildoers are punished, but their records remain clean, except for one thing.

Let me guess-- after Ms. Li's squash match, she can just go ahead and prosecute anyway.

Yeah. Such double-dipping would never be allowed in a real court, but since this is her kangaroo court, she can do whatever she wants. But I think we've got a way around even that.

Really?

Yeah, don't worry about it.

FADE OUT. END ACT II. SLO-MO of Quinn walking into Daria's Room, as Daria is reading "Crime and Punishment" on her bed. RUN BUMPER MUSIC.

ACT III.

FADE IN.

Int. -- Quinn's Room -- Later That Night.

Quinn is tossing and turning in her sleep.

Cross Fade to:

Ext. -- A Square In Paris -- Day -- 1789.

Quinn is standing inside of a rickety cart being pulled by two mules. She's wearing one of those country milkmaid sort of outfits from the period. She's holding on to the sides of the cart for dear life. Surrounding her is an armed guard -- they're keeping the angry mob away from her. The mob is interestingly enough composed of a number of familiar faces from Lawndale.

Cheater! Cheater! Death to the cheater! Off with her head!

Quinn is terrified of the crowd, and is horrified by their attitude towards her as the rickety cart heads around the corner to the next square, where a large guillotine sits. Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany stand next to it, dressed in their Revolutionary finest. A not-too-mysterious executioner wears glasses and a black hood. The mob is still yelling.

Shush! (The mob quiets down.) (Beat.) Now, the Revolutionary Committe on Infractions has met, and found that Quinn Morgendorffer is guilty of cheating. (The mob roars.) I said shush! (Beat.) Now, we all know what the punishment for cheating is, don't we? (The mob roars.)

Don't worry Quinn, it's nothing to lose your head over.

Daria pulls the handle of the guillotine, and the blade falls and chops a melon in two. She grins evilly at Quinn.

Cut to XCU of a horrified Quinn, mouth agape.

Int. -- Quinn's Room -- No time has passed.

Quinn shoots up out of bed and gasps.

Int. -- Quinn's Room. -- Afternoon. The Next Day.

Quinn is sitting on the bed, leafing through the latest "Waif." She looks very depressed, for Quinn. Daria enters the room through the open door.

Well, I'm glad to see that you're preparing for your defense as well as you prepare for class.

What's the use? You're just going to have me humiliated no matter what I do.

What are you blathering about?

I overheard you talking to your little friend the other day-- you were talking about humiliating your sister, and then that night you snuck off to talk to Jodie. What else could you be planning, besides my total and utter humiliation?

Quinn, you do know that the world doesn't revolve around you, don't you? Jane and I were finishing up some cheesy computer game, and Jodie needed my advice on handling her caseload-- something that you may stand to benefit from, if you'd stop acting so paranoid. I told you I'd give you a fair trial, and I meant it.

Quinn grimaces.

That doesn't explain why you told your little friend that you were going to go hard on me, since apparently mom coddles me too much.

Daria grimaces as she figures out that Quinn overheard her.

Well, maybe I was a little peeved at hearing about your number one priority-- keeping your wardrobe current at the expense of your future.

Quinn's jaw drops a little as she realizes that Daria overheard her discussion.

Okay, so why are you here now?

Jodie's offering you a deal, called deferred prosecution.

What kind of a deal is this?

It's a deal that keeps your record clean if you agree to a punishment of sorts.

What kind of punishment?

Community service, 8 hours. When you complete it, the charges will be dropped. I'll give you a list to choose from at the hearing. It'll even give you an alibi for mom and dad.

Really?

Yeah, you can tell them that you feel like "giving back" to the school.

Hmm... (Beat.) Okay. What's the catch?

Other than the work? Only one-- screw up again like that, and the old charges get reinstated, along with any new ones. And you can bet that you won't get a judge-- you'll have to deal with Ms. Li. And I doubt that she'll care how popular you are.

That's the only catch? Okay, fine. But one question. Why are you doing this for me?

I'm not doing anything for you.

Yeah, right. C'mon, Daria, this idea reeks of you. What's really going on?

Okay, look, Quinn, you're almost done with your sophomore year. That gives you two years to get your act together so you may wind up actually doing something besides dancing for strange men after high school. It's going to be hard enough for you to pull up your grades, but a mark on your record for cheating could totally ruin your chances of getting into any kind of school, let alone college. I know you may not believe it, but I'm worried about you. I am your sister, after all.

Oh, please. Don't give me that. You sound just like Mr. O'Neill.

Apparently you didn't overhear the whole conversation I had with Jane, then. I'm serious, Quinn. You've got to start thinking about what you want to do with your life after high school. Even though it sometimes seems like it, it won't last forever, you know.

I know.

Okay, so what do plan to do after you graduate, and Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie all move on to stalk college students while you stay here and flip burgers? Or worse?

Quinn looks down and starts fiddling with the fringe of her bedspread.

I don't know.

Can I make a suggestion?

Quinn shrugs.

Start thinking about what you really want out of life. I'm not talking about money, power, or prestige, because there aren't very many easy or legal ways to get them. Think about what makes you happy. (Beat. Smiles a little.) You know, like a half-off sale at Cashman's kind of happy. (Beat.) You know, Quinn, you're not stupid. You could make it into college if you really wanted to.

Thanks.

But don't delude yourself. You've got a lot of hard work ahead of you, and sitting around reading "Waif" isn't going to get it done.

I guess. (Beat.) What about my friends?

What about them? What are they doing to help you get your life on track? (Beat.) If they're really your friends, then they'll support you. And if that doesn't work, just keep it a secret from them. Just imagine the look on Sandi's face when she finds out you got into a better college than she did.

Quinn smiles wickedly.

Int. -- Lawndale High School -- Mr. DeMartino's Classroom/Courtroom -- Afternoon. -- The next day.

Daria is seated behind the desk in her judicial robe.

Okay, let's get this show on the road. First case, prosecution?

The school calls the case of Lawndale High v. #030883923.

Defense?

We're ready, your Honor.

In this case, the school is willing to consent to a deferred prosecution, contingent upon completion of 8 hours of approved community service.

Defense?

The defense has consented to the prosecution's offer.

Alright then, defense, here are your options. You can either pick up trash after football games for the next four weeks, fundraise for the band for two weeks, or work the AV cart for a day.

Quinn leans over to Mack and whispers in his ear.

The defendant agrees to pick up trash after the next four home football games.

I thought as much. Alright, would both parties please come forward and sign the agreement?

Int. -- Lawndale High School -- Ms. Li's Office -- The next day.

Ms. Li is seated behind her desk, reading through a folder. Someone knocks at the door.

Come in! Ah, Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Landon, have a seat.

Jodie and Daria enter, and take seats opposite Ms. Li's desk.

You wanted to see us?

Yes, I've been reviewing your records from the student court, and I must say that I'm rather perplexed. What is this "DP" I see in almost all of the verdicts?

The prosecution offered deferred prosecution in a few cases. Most of the students took them up on it.

Did I not tell all of you that I wanted to see justice carried out? We cannot allow rulebreakers and scofflaws to go unpunished!

But they did get punished. They agreed to reasonable punishments in exchange for keeping their records clean. What's wrong with that?

Ms. Landon, I would think that you above all people would understand the need for disciplne...

What do you mean? They were disciplined. There's a whole group of them out picking up garbage, painting fences, you name it. A few even agreed to help fundraise for the band. Isn't that punishment enough?

Yes, but accurate records of such transgressions must be kept for future reference.

Do you really want to jeopardize someone's chances of college just because he dropped a gumwrapper?

If he can't read the sign that says "No Littering," then he doesn't belong in college. Rules are made to be enforced, no matter the cost. I would think that the two of you were mature enough to understand your duties as enforcers of the rules here. Especially you, Ms. Landon.

What do you mean? We did enforce the rules. We gave each and every one of them the chance to either have a trial or make a deal. Most chose to make a deal.

Which is precisely why I will enter all of these punishments on their records. They have to learn that there are consequences to their actions.

Hey, we promised them that these punishments wouldn't go on their records.

I didn't.

Are you sure you want to do that? I'd hate to see you squash our valuable learning experience and somehow let the signed deferred prosecution agreements fall into the wrong hands.

You better believe it. I wonder what they would think of us in Oakwood if it got out that we can't keep our word?

I bet they would think we were a bunch of hypocrites.

I bet you're right.

Are you girls resorting to extortion?

Why, Ms. Li, we'd never stoop so low. After all, rules are rules. (Beat.) Or should I say laws are laws?

Very well, I'll leave it out of their records. This time.

I'm glad you see it our way. I'm sure the students picking up trash in the parking lot will be relieved.

Int. -- Pizza King -- Later that day.

Daria and Jane are sitting in their usual booth, sharing a pie.

I can't believe that nobody wanted to push the AV cart.

I know, you'd think that the stigma couldn't be that bad for only one day's work. What surprised me was how eager everyone was to do anything but help fundraise for the band.

Hey, have you seen any of their fundraisers? I've seen episodes of "Animal Maulings on Home Video" that looked like more fun.

More fun for who? The animals or the people being mauled?

The people. It took them two weeks to get the smell of rotting fruit out of the rehearsal hall. And I had a class next door. Yuck. Speaking of sweet things going bad, how's your sister taking her punishment?

I'm not sure. She's been surprisingly quiet these last few days. I think she might actually be studying.

Really? I'd better get moving then.

Why?

Because Quinn studying is one of the first signs of the End of the World. I've got to get my concrete bunker ready. (Beat.) Do her little friends know?

No, I don't think so. I think she wants to surprise them with the finished product. You know her. She wants to be able to show her acceptance letter with the usual bored indifference she uses to discuss the guys she dates.

And speaking of feeding people to the dragons, how did your meeting with Ms. Li go?

Predictably. She threatened us. We blackmailed her. She caved in. Turns out we had the better dirt, plus we had copies of all of those deferred prosecution agreements. It would've looked really bad if those "accidentally" got leaked to the press.

And thus another lesson in the justice system is taught to the youth of America.

Yeah, it's not who you know, but what you have on them. And make sure you keep a copy, just in case.

Works for me.

Int. -- Lawndale High School -- Ms. Li's Office -- Later That Day.

Ms. Li grabs a thick folder from the top of her desk. She starts reading it.

Int. -- Lawndale High School -- Hall Outside of Ms. Li's Office -- A Few Seconds Have Elapsed.

Ruttheimer!!!!

Int. -- Morgendorffer Home Base -- Living Room -- Saturday Afternoon.

Daria is reading An American Tragedy while sitting on the sofa. Helen enters the room.

Hi, sweetie. How's the judging business?

I finished up my duty yesterday.

Well, did you learn anything?

Oddly enough, I did. I understand a little better what you meant about courage, mom.

Really? I'd love to hear the details.

I'd love to give them to you, but you know how it is when you work with minors-- it's privileged.

Helen sighs.

That's too bad. I was hoping I might be able to finally talk shop with someone in this house.

Mom, don't take it personally, but it's actually for the best that it's all privileged. It has to do with something I felt I had to fight for.

Fair enough, dear. (Beat. Smiles.) I don't suppose that this experience has changed your mind about the law?

No, but it has changed my view about helping people, and fighting for their rights, if that's any consolation.

That's all the consolation I need, Daria. (Beat.) By the way, have you seen Quinn around?

She was studying a few hours ago, but she's out doing some volunteer work now.

Really? Are you sure?

Yeah. I think she finally found another use for her head, other than as a rest for bright and shiny ornaments. (Beat.) I hope it lasts.

Me, too, Daria, me, too. I'd hate to think of what we'd do with her if she didn't get into any sort of college. I keep having this nightmare that she'll wind up dancing in a bar somewhere.

I know what you mean. It's scary. Either that, or she'll wind up married at 17.

That's my other nightmare.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure, sweetie.

Do you ever have nightmares about me?

Daria, I'm your mother. Of course I have nightmares about you. I worry about both of you. You'll understand when you're a mother. (Beat. Grins.) Especially if you had a daughter like Quinn.

Hey, that's not fair.

What isn't fair?

Using my nightmares against me.

Ext. -- Lawndale High School -- The Football Stadium. -- Saturday Afternoon.

Quinn, wearing a lovely orange reflective vest, is picking up trash with one of those pointed sticks, and placing the garbage in her shoulder bag.

ZOOM OUT to show Upchuck doing the same.

FADE OUT. ROLL CREDITS to "Whip It" by Devo.

"You've got to whip it!
Into shape.
Shape it up.
Get Straight.
Go forward.
Move ahead.
Try to detect it.
It's not too late.
To whip it.
Whip it good!"

NOTES:

Superintendent Blank: An hommage to "The Tick." Or an attempt to hide my inability to come up with a name for him.

Squash: Sounds funnier than racquetball, sounds less painful than handball, and sounds more realistic than Jai-alai.

Hornbook: A big book that covers every miniscule part of an area of Law. Since laws can vary greatly from state to state, hornbooks usually deal in broad, general, theoretical terms, sometimes using examples from different states that represent different points of view, legally. For example, it would discuss how some states allow "holographic" (handwritten) wills, while some states do not. If you could bottle hornbooks, you could put every living thing on Earth to sleep for 10,000 years. That said, they have their uses.

"Paper Chase:" A TV series popular in the 70s about law students. Yep, it was about as exciting as you could imagine. John Houseman played one of the professors, and was later a pitchman for the investment firm of Smith Barney. (Hence the name Barney Smith.) MST3K fans: Quick! Who played the "liver-faced 'Paper Chase' guy" in "Warrior of the Lost World?"

In general: I finally wrote something that comes in at the right times! Yay! (Hey, that's an Acheievement for me, the writer of episodes that would work better as mini-series or MOWs.) I wanted to write something that showed that Daria really does care about her sister, and that Quinn really does have the ability to change. I guess I'm just an optimist, but don't let word get out. I also wanted to have a little fun with a setting that I'm more familiar with-- the Law. (Even if it was only a student court.) Nope, no Trent again. He may show up next time, though. He may not. I haven't decided yet. Either way, don't expect much-- I won't write that kind of stuff. (Or will I?)