Girl Uninterrupted
by Thomas and Medea42

Thanks to Chad, rancour, TAFKA and Trap for beta reading.
 

Act I: Scene 1:
[Daria's room. Daria is laying on her bed. She reading Cryptonomicon by Neal Stephenson. There is a knock on her door.]

Daria: Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

[Stacy and Tiffany enter.]

Daria: This had better be some sort of evil dream.

Tiffany: You're the girl from Quinn's house.

Daria: No I'm the girl in Quinn's house. The girl from Quinn's house is my evil twin.

Tiffany: Oooooh.

Stacy: I think we should go. I'm scared. She lives in a rubber cell.

Daria: I need a place where I can be locked up. I get fur when there is a full moon.

Tiffany: Fur. That is so wrong.

Stacy: [Angry and scared] How can you wear fur? Think of all the poor animals that have to die.

Daria: [sighs] Other than making me contemplate if ten minutes of fun is worth a life in prison, is there a point to you two being here?

Stacy: We want to use your TV. We can't use the one in Quinn's room. She and Sandi are arguing, and her dad is watching a game on the TV in the living room.

Tiffany: We want to watch "Pains of our Lives".

Daria: What a coincidence, I'm watching the pains of my life right now.

Stacy: [Surprised] But your TV is off.

Tiffany: You're so weird.

Daria: [Irritated] Before I do something I'm not going to regret later, tell me why I would possibly let you use my TV?

Tiffany: Money?

Stacy: That's right. We'll pay you.
 

Scene 2:
[The hallway. Daria leaves her room and closes the door after her. A moment later Quinn does the same]

Daria: Weren't you arguing with Sandi?

Quinn: Yeah. But we got tired of it, and then Sandi said to me that if that was my attitude, I should leave. And then I said fine I will. And now she's watching "Pains of our Lives" on my TV.

Daria: [smirks] Quinn do you realize what it is you've just told me?

Quinn: What?

Daria: You let Sandi throw you out of your own room.

Quinn: [Buries her face in her hands] Oh no!

Daria: The house seems uninhabitable at the moment. I'm going over to Jane's. If you want to you can sit in my room. Stacy and Tiffany are using my TV.

Quinn: [Surprised] You're letting them sit in your room? [pause] You made them pay.

Daria: For you it's on the house. See you later.

Quinn: Um. Can I come with you?

Daria: Excuse me?

Quinn: I'm not watching "Pains of our Lives" anymore. I used to like it. But after Starr found out how her friend Angelina is really her half sister, the show has gotten silly.

Daria: [sighs] Okay. You can come with me.

Quinn: [Pause] Are you feeling well?

Daria: Why do you ask?

Quinn: You haven't made fun of me, you offered to let me to sit in your room for free, and now you're letting me come with you to Jane's.

Daria: I know. I'm just not in the mood to argue right now. I'd appreciate it if you'd refrain from taking advantage of it.

Quinn: Ohh now I get it. It's because it's your 18th birthday tomorrow. You're in a good mood because you're looking forward to it.

Daria: You're getting better. You were only half wrong this time.

Quinn: But you are turning 18 tomorrow [pause] You're not in a good mood?

Daria: Quinn I don't care to discuss this.

[Quinn and Daria exit through front door.]
 

Scene 3:
[Quinn's room. Sandi watching TV. The door opens. Stacy and Tiffany enter.]

Sandi: There you are. Where have you been?

Stacy: Can we not talk about that? It was a scary place.

Tiffany: Where's Quinn?

Sandi: She's gone to think about her priorities.

Tiffany: Then why are we still at her house?

Sandi: Um...
 

Scene 4:
[Jane's room. Jane is staring at a blank canvas. Daria is laying on the bed reading her book. Quinn is watching Win Ben Stein's money on the TV.]

Jane: Other than you being a sadist as well as a masochist, is there a reason why Quinn is here?

Quinn: Hey!

Daria: Nope.

Jane: It's got nothing to do with you turning 18 tomorrow?

Daria: Nope.

Jane: Cheer up Daria. Think of all the good things that come from turning 18. Now you can be tried as an adult, and if there's a war going on you can get drafted. [1]

Daria: [not really listening] Yeah.

Jane: Um, I don't mean to nag you, but you're sort of radiating misery right now.

Daria: Whatever.

Quinn: She always gets weird near her birthday. Once she even attacked me.

Daria: I didn't attack you. I poured perfume down your back.

Jane: You did? Tell me the details woman.

Daria: No.

Jane: That okay. I'll just ask Quinn to tell her version of the story.

Daria: [sighs] Fine. But in return you'll have to stop nagging me.

Jane: Deal.
 

[Flashback. Four years earlier. The kitchen of the Morgendorffer's mansion in Highland. Jake and Quinn are sitting at the table. A flag and two gifts are on the table. Daria enters.]

Jake: Happy birthday.

Quinn: Happy whatever. Look will this take long? I'm going to be late for school.

Jake: Quinn it's Daria's birthday. And I never heard you worry about that before.

Daria: Yes you have. One year ago exactly.

Jake: Helen is sorry she's not here but there was an emergency at the office. She promised to make up for it later.

Daria: That's okay. I'll take her guilt money over her company any day.

Jake: So how does it feel to be 12 kiddo?

Daria: I could tell you that, but I'm having trouble remembering that far back.

Quinn: Dad she's 14. Now can we get this over with?

[Jake laughs nervously. Daria opens the gift from her parents. It's a 3D card.]

Jake: Do you like it?

Daria: [Mona Lisa smile] It's okay. Once it's installed, my screen will drip blood.

Jake: [Shocked] It will what!??

Quinn: Sarcasm, Dad.

[Daria opens the gift from Quinn. It's a perfume bottle.]

Daria: [Frowns] I know you don't like how I dress Quinn. Are you telling me I now don't smell good, too?

Quinn: No.

Daria: Nevermind. Just give me the receipt, so I can take it back.

Quinn: I bought it at a sale. But I'll buy it off you if you don't want it [smirks] At a lower price of course, since now it's, like, used.

[Daria opens the perfume bottle. She grabs Quinn by the hair and pours the perfume over her. Quinn screams.]

[Flashback ends]
 

Jane: Ouch.

Quinn: [Ashamed] Um. I did do that didn't I? Buy a gift for myself, I mean.

Daria: Forget about it. I don't carry a grudge over it. I paid you back on the spot, remember?

Quinn: Daria, I swear, I haven't done that this year.

Daria: I know. Look it's no big deal. Birthdays were invented by the greeting card industry anyway [goes back to reading her book.]

Jane: Quinn will you model for me?

Quinn: Um. Sure.

Jane: Fine. Take off your clothes and start biting your toenails.

Quinn: Hey!

[Daria continues to read book. Never looks up.]

Jane: [Voiceover] Bad sign [out loud] Tell you what Daria, I think you need to be alone with your book. Quinn, come with me.
 

Scene 5:
[Outside Jane's room]

Jane: Okay Quinn what have you and your parents gotten Daria for her birthday?

Quinn: I'm getting her a new pair of speakers for her computer. I heard her complain about the old ones being low voltage. Mom and Dad are giving her a laser printer. She's expensive to keep in ink.

Jane: I'm giving her the computer game "Diskworld Noir". I'm starting to see a theme here.

Quinn: What do you expect? She's very difficult to buy gifts for. At least with computer equipment it doesn't matter so much if you get it wrong. It's impersonal and easy to take back.

Jane: Difficult to buy gifts for. Tell me about it.

Quinn: [smirks] You got her a book once, didn't you?

Jane: [sighs] Two years ago. At least she pretended like she hadn't read it before. Look, Daria will say birthdays were invented by the gift card industry. And neither you or I can get her to say otherwise. But deep down she's a romantic. Even if she'll never admit to it, I know a happy birthday would mean a lot to her. I think the reason she's depressed is that she doesn't expect to have one tomorrow. This is our last chance. Next year she'll be in college.

Quinn: "Our" last chance? But what can we do?

Jane: You talk to your parents. Make sure Jake knows how old Daria is, and make sure Helen doesn't run off to work in the middle of everything. Guilt trip her if necessary. I'll call Tom and make sure he takes Daria someplace fancy tomorrow night.

Quinn: Fine except for one little thing.

Jane: And that is?

Quinn: Daria can't go anywhere fancy with what she owns. And she'll die before asking to borrow my clothes.

Jane: That's why you and I are going shopping at Cashman's right now.

Quinn: You and me. You mean we're going to buy her a ...

Jane: Yes.

Quinn: Um okay. But while we're there, could you ...

Jane: Pretend not to know you. Sure.
 

Act II: Scene 1:
[The Morgendorffers are gathered around the kitchen table. Jake is opening a big box. He reaches in and produces a laser printer.]

Jake: Ta da. So what do you think kiddo?

Daria: [Mona Lisa smile] It's okay. I'm sure my writing will improve now that I have a new printer.

Jake: Well it is better. It was expensive. But then again so were your ink cartridges.

Helen: Jake! Daria is being sarcastic.

Jake: Oh. I still don't know that after 18 years.

Daria: [Surprised] You know how old I am?

Quinn: After much reminding he does.

Daria: You?

Helen: Sweetie. I want you to come over to the law firm after school. I'm leaving early today so we can spend some time together.

Daria: You're what!?

[Daria looks at Quinn. Quinn gives her a small smile. Daria returns it. Then she realizes what she's doing, and slaps her hands over her mouth.]

Daria: I did not do that.

Quinn: [Hands her a big package.] Happy birthday.

Daria: Um, thanks [rips the paper off] From Cashman's? You said ...

Quinn: It was Jane's idea. It's from me and her.

Daria: You and Jane? [holds up a basic black dress with a scoop neckline].

Quinn: I wanted to go with the jewel neck, but Jane said that this pattern was way more flattering to your, Um, assets, and I had to agree that you will look really CUTE [pause] And you could really need one.

Daria: CUTE is not my look, Quinn. But this is [mumbles] agoodstart.

Quinn: You're welcome. It will look good on you when you go with Tom to Chez Pierre tonight.

Daria: I'm going where? Look if you called Tom to interfere with my social life, I'm going to ...

Quinn: Not me. Jane.

Daria: ... Kill her.

Jake: Isn't that a little revealing for someone Daria's age?

Helen: Oh Jake, she's 18 now. That's old enough to be sexy.

Jake: She is?

Helen: She IS Jake. Remember when you were 18?

Jake: Hm, yes, those were the days. I remember... OH MY GOD!!! Helen, lock the doors, Daria's not leaving the house. EVER.

Daria: Dad, it's not like I'll be doing anything I wasn't before.

Jake: That's it, you're grounded!

Daria: Even if you had a reason to ground me, you can't now. I'm 18.

Jake: Helen, help me?

Helen: Now Jake, Daria's a trustworthy girl.

Daria: She can't help you dad. I'm free as a bird. You can't ground me. Nor beat me.

Jake: [Shocked] Beat you??

Helen: She's being sarcastic again Jake.

Daria: And come to think of it, you can no longer have me committed without my writ of consent.

Jake: Oh, no need to worry about that. We dropped those plans more than a year ago!

Helen: JAKE!

Daria & Quinn: What!?

Jake: Um. That was sarcasm. Right?

Helen: Now honey, it's all in the past-

Quinn: Well I could see where you might want to have Daria committed what with the way she dresses and all -

Daria: Shut UP Quinn. You were going to have me committed last year?

Jake: No, it was a year and a half-ago -

[Helen punches Jake on the shoulder].

Jake: OW!!!

Helen: Now honey, like I said, it's all in the past -

Daria: Yes, because our family history is SO healthy. Since it's all in the past, I guess I'll just be part of your PAST, too. [exits].
 

Scene 2: [Jane's room. Daria is in closet, Jane is working on a drawing in charcoal].

Jane: So your family really was going to commit you?

Daria: [muffled] I don't have all the details, but that's the gist of it.

Jane: Besides, why talk to your family about problems when you can just jump to convenient and inaccurate conclusions?

[Daria pokes head out of the closet].

Daria: Are you talking about me or my family?

Jane: I'll plead the fifth.

Daria: Thanks for the support.

Jane: Whatever requires the least effort from me. A la the Morgendorffer spirit.

[Daria emerges from closet in black dress and combat boots].

Daria: Think Tom will like this?

[Jane drops charcoal]

Jane: Gah, warn me when you do that!

Daria: Do what?

Jane: Emerge from my closet as another person. [dives into closet and starts digging.]

Daria: And that means?

[Jane pokes her head out of closet, examines Daria head to toe.]

Jane: You look good, Daria. But something is missing. Hm...

Daria: Don't even THINK of making me wear pearls.

Jane: Nah, they'd never accent your boots. Hm. [brightens] I've got it! [dives back into closet. Emerges with a red scarf and advances on Daria.]

Daria: Jane, I'm not into the whole silk scarves scene.

Jane: [Jane ties scarf around Daria's neck, with the knot to the side]. Good, because I have plans for it when you're done.

Daria: Why do I suddenly want this off now?

Jane: Relax, Daria, you look good.

OS: Tom: I think so

[Both girls jump. Change shot to see Tom standing in doorway. He gestures behind himself with his thumb]

Tom: Trent let me in.

Jane: He actually let you past the front door?

Tom: I think he was sleep-deprived or something. Didn't seem to know what he was doing. He told me to set the pizza on the table, and something about starlight and snapdragons.

Jane: Good news, Daria. Your boyfriend got to keep his teeth for your big date. Thanks to my brother and his anti-sleep fest.

[Daria gives a sidelong "kill you" look to Jane].
 

Scene 3: [Daria and Tom are having dinner at the country club.]

Tom: Sorry the reservation for Chez Pierre didn't work out.

Daria: That's Okay. Who'd have thought your parents would decide to eat there tonight of all nights?

Tom: I know. Good thing we spotted them before we were seated.

Daria: And good thing for Quinn's date, too.

Tom: He's new in town. How was he to know he needed a reservation?

Daria: He was going with Quinn. How could he avoid knowing? I think whatever nefarious plans he had for Quinn were averted since that reservation landed in his lap.

Tom: Poor guy. Neat trick of Quinn's though, keeping hot coffee around to cool off an eager date.

Daria: My heart goes out to him.

Tom: That reminds me: do you want to split the money he gave us in order to take our reservation?

Daria: I can always use a donation to the Montana cabin fund.

Tom: Or to the clinic for when your mother finally has her nervous breakdown.

Daria: Um, yeah. [frowns, stares at plate. Several seconds elapse].

Tom: Daria? [beat][beat]Daria, what's the matter?

[Daria stares at the plate, mumbles something unintelligible, pushes food around with her fork].

Tom: Daria? [Tom grabs fork from her hand]

Daria: Nothing, Okay? [goes to take fork back. Tom holds it out of her reach, and removes the rest of her silverware with his free hand].

Tom: We have talked about you opening up. Now something is obviously wrong. You can either tell me, or you can eat with your fingers!

[Daria sits back in her seat]

Daria: What do you think would stop me from eating with my fingers?

Tom: Your personality, for starters.

Daria: You WILL pay for this.

Tom: And as long as that vengeance comes from you, I look forward to the attack. [smiles at her].

Daria: Dammit, I can't get mad at you! [beat] Fine. I found out today that my parents were planning to have me committed.

Tom: I guess your Mom noticed a ring of sincerity to those plans for world domination.

Daria: I'm serious, here.

Tom: [raises hand in deflective gesture] I know. I was just hoping to get your version of a smile.

Daria: [lowers her voice] Tom, we're in PUBLIC!
 

Scene 4: [Morgendorffer house. Next morning. Helen is in her business suit, pacing. Jake is at the kitchen table].

Helen: Jake, do you know what time Daria came home last night?

Jake: No honey, I figure with Daria it was probably early --

Helen: Jake! She does have a boyfriend now, she's been home later in the evening frequently these days. I'm just worried. She didn't meet me after school like I asked her to.

Jake: Honey, it's Daria. We probably have nothing to worry about -

Helen: Eighteen...

Jake: GAH!

[Enter Quinn. She takes a seat at the table next to Jake.]

Quinn: Did Daria leave for school already? Getting the bathroom was TOO easy this morning. And she didn't even let me help her with that outfit. She wore her BOOTS with that dress, can you believe it?

Helen: You mean she's not upstairs?

Quinn: Nope. No one even flushed the toilet on me while I was in the shower. I looked in her room to see if she slept in or something -- God, Mom, you have GOT to redecorate, that place does strange things to the mind, and Daria's already -

Helen: QUINN!

[Quinn falls silent].

Helen: [frowning] I don't think Daria came back last night.

Jake: Daria didn't come back? My little girl could be out there with some Neanderthal -

Helen: Jake, she went out with Tom. We know he's a nice boy

Jake: Serial killers always seem nice, too. My little girl! I'll find him and I'll: I'll: [half rises from chair]

Helen: End up needing more heart medication? Sit DOWN, Jake. I'll just call Jane and ask if she knows where Daria went. [picks up phone, dials] Hello? Good morning Jane. Yes, I know it's early. You DO know it's a school day? Well, I was looking for Daria. Oh, she's there? Did she spend the night last night? Yes, I would like to speak with her. Thank you, Jane.

[split screen to Daria and Helen.]

Helen: Daria, where were you? I was worried sick!

Daria: I was out persuading small children to pray to rubber chickens.

Helen: REALLY, Daria. I would like an explanation for why you're not home right now.

Daria: Why do I have to explain anything?

Helen: Because I'm your mother, and you live under my roof.

Daria: At the moment, I'm not under your roof, and I'm also a legal adult. I don't have to live anywhere I don't want to.

Helen: Don't cop an attitude with me, young lady! I want you over here right NOW!

Daria: Or what? You'll ground me?

Helen: Daria, where is this coming from?

Daria: It's just a little issue of commitment, mother. [hangs up].
 

Scene 5: [Casa Lane kitchen. Daria and Jane are standing at kitchen counter, Daria is hanging up phone.]

Daria: Um, Jane?

Jane: mmm yeah?

Daria: Can I stay here for a couple more days?

Jane: mmmm yeah

Daria: And you don't mind the pink elephant in Wind's room?

Jane: that's fine.

Daria: So your parents will pay for me to go to college, too?

Jane: Okay

Daria: Let's just skip school today -

[Jane is suddenly alert]

Jane: Oh no we don't! We do NOT skip school. As long you're living under this roof, you abide by my rules, and my rule is that we attend school, young lady!

OS: Trent: Woah

[Jane and Daria turn to see Trent standing in doorway]

Trent: That was cool!
 

Scene 6: [Morgendorffer living room. Quinn is reading a magazine and Helen comes in and sits next to her].

Helen: Quinn? Can I ask you a question?

Quinn: Sure Mom. If it's about your hair, the permed look is totally out, but I can have the Fashion Club do a focus group for you in exchange for a small donation.

Helen: No, it's not about fashion. [deep breath] Am I a good mother?

Quinn: Sure Mom! You're the greatest. Can I use your gold card?

Helen: What exactly makes me a good mother?

Quinn: You're like, always um... I know you care and stuff.

Helen: So what's so bad about me that Daria won't come home?

[Quinn looks at floor]

Helen: Never MIND Quinn.
 

Scene 7: [Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are in front of their lockers].

Jane: Thanks for making breakfast. I had no idea you could cook except for that accident in Ms. Barch's class.

Daria: Learning was simple. I watched what my dad did and did the exact opposite.

Jane: The reverse psychology of cooking?

Daria: I could write a book. But I'd hate to see Dad try to follow the instructions.

[Quinn and Tiffany walk past them]

Tiffany: Look Quinn, that's the girl in your house.

Quinn: From my house Tiffany. Not in my house.

Tiffany: [Surprised] You mean there really are two of them? And she is the evil twin?

Quinn: [Pause] Tell you what? Why don't you take this [hands her a magazine] and go someplace else. Like, go find Sandi and Stacy.

[Tiffany leaves. Quinn walks over to Daria and Jane]

Quinn: Daria, I need to talk to you. [looks at Jane] Alone.

Daria: Whatever you have to tell me Jane can hear.

Jane: Noooo! Not the nail polish talk!! AAAAAAAAAAH!!! [runs away]

Daria: I hate her. [to Quinn] And you. Since when do you *want* to talk to me?

Quinn: Actually I'm glad to talk to you right now. Sometimes my friends in the fashion club freak me out. Like, we can't communicate.

Daria: Let me guess. You found where you left your brains this summer and they didn't. There are a lot of things you want to talk with them about, but you can't, because those ideas are above their level of comprehension. So you feel like you don't belong with them.

Quinn: [Surprised] That's exactly right. How did you know that?

Daria: Lifetime of experience. That and I watched "Heathers" on VCR. You could leave the fashion club and find new friends at your intellectual level. People with whom you can be who you are, instead of who they expect you to be.

Quinn: But leaving the fashion club would mean a major drop in my popularity.

Daria: You have to decide what's most important to you. Popularity or being who you are.

Quinn: This is a trick question right?

Daria: Excuse me?

Quinn: Popular is who I am. So you're saying I should stay with the fashion club?

Daria: Oh brother. But then again, Rome wasn't built in one day. And it took a LONG time for them to establish and destroy their fashion industry. Now what did you want to talk to me about? And aren't you afraid your little friends will see me?

Quinn: I handed them the lipstick edition of Waif. They'll be distracted for hours.

[Jane reappears still running wildly. Screeches to a halt as Quinn delivers her lipstick line.]

Jane: So that's how you've kept up on your reading.

Quinn: My little secret. As long as I keep extra magazines around, none of my friends notice what I'm reading no matter how thick the book is.

Daria: That won't work for long. Want to buy one of Jane's color card books?

Jane: Hey!

Daria: Selling your stuff is easier than paying rent.

Quinn: That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

Daria: At least you're not asking me about lipsticks.

Quinn: You've GOT to come home.

Daria: Excuse me? *You* are asking *me* to come home? Need I remind you you once called an adoption agency and asked if they would come get me.

Quinn: But Daria! That was years ago. [beat] And *you* tried to sell me to the neighbors.

Daria: Like you said, that was years ago. Besides they wanted money to take you. Seriously, why are you asking? My leaving means that you have no one to fight for the TV, no boyfriend clogging your phone line, no competition for parental wallets and no need to explain me to your friends.

Quinn: That was nice for awhile, but...

Daria: What?

Quinn: Mom keeps finding me and talking to me about her feelings and stuff. And Dad started crying when no one made fun of him for burning his hand cooking dinner, and they like, really miss you Daria.

Daria: And they both noticed you only talk to them when you want money.

Quinn: Yeah.

Daria: Deal with it.

Quinn: But DARIA! It's like they're not my parents, they're like, PEOPLE.

Daria: And Mom and Dad are terrible and awful because they are people.

Quinn: When was the last time you listened to Mom talk about her childhood? Come on Daria. I know Mom and Dad would be happy to see you again.

Daria: But I wouldn't be happy to see them again. I'm mad at them. Sorry but the answer is no.

Quinn: But Daria, it's not like anything happened.

Daria: [Angry] Dammit Quinn, is that all you can think about? That nothing happened? [lowers her voice]. They were going to have me committed for crying out loud. They were going to have me locked up!

Quinn: But they didn't.

Daria: But they would have. Look, I can't go back home and pretend like nothing happened. I'm not like that.

Quinn: So when are you coming home?

Daria: Quinn, I'm not even sure I am coming home.

[Quinn looks shocked.]
 

Act III: Scene 1:
[Jake, Helen and Quinn are sitting around the Morgendorffer dinner table].

Jake: This looks like more fish sticks than we needed. Are you sure you don't want one of my special recipes?

Helen: Jake, you always cook more food than we can eat.

Jake: Honey, we have four mouths: [Helen looks at him] three: mouths to feed!

Helen: It's Okay, honey. I guess we just need to adjust a little.

Jake: Yeah! We can adjust!

[silence]

Jake: So, Um, how was your day?

Helen: Lots of things happened... that I'm not at liberty to discuss. You?

Jake: Lost a client. How was I know a recycling company would object to windshield flyers?

Helen: Oh really, Jake! How about you Quinn?

Quinn: [Dryly] Fine.

[silence]

Jake: Honey, is this what empty nest feels like?

Helen: Don't say that!

Jake: What?

Helen: Sorry. [beat] Jake, am I bad mother?

Jake: Honey, you're a GREAT mother. Driving Daria away was a mistake anyone could have made.

[Helen glares at him]

Jake: OK, so you're rarely ever home and when you are you're still involved with work, and we thought that shipping Daria off somewhere would fix everything -

Helen: You're not helping. Quinn do you think ...

Quinn: SHUT UP! Both of you, shut up!

[Helen and Jake looks surprised at Quinn.]

Quinn: You want to know what I think? You suck. Both of you. And you are bad parents.

Helen: Quinn!!

Quinn: This isn't fair you know. Daria and I were finally starting to get along, and then you drive her away. And now I have to listen to your freaky talk. But no more. Daria isn't the only one who can leave you know. I'm moving in with Stacy. [storms out of the house.]

[Helen and Jake sit in silence. Then Jake jumps up]

Jake: Helen the kids are gone. We're childless. No wait. We can force Quinn to come home. She's not 18. She's, um...

Helen: Turning 17 in two months. Don't worry, she'll be back soon. Tomorrow at the latest.

Jake: Are you sure?

Helen: One, she forgot to pack. Two, I met Stacy.
 

Scene 2:
[Daria and Jane are in Jane's room. Daria is sitting on the bed, Jane is working again on her charcoal drawings.]

Daria: I wonder how they're doing back there? Really freaked out I guess.

Jane: How so?

Daria: Telling Quinn, I wasn't even sure if I was coming home.

Jane: Did you mean it?

Daria: I suppose not. Though I could get used to living here.

Jane: You know if you stay here longer than a week you're a boarder, not a guest. I'm afraid I want rent.

Daria: You want me to pay rent?

Jane: You could get a job.

Daria: ME and a *job*. [beat] You're throwing me out.

Jane: No, I'm not. All I'm saying is that you should pay rent. And I hear waitresses get good tips.

Daria: Me a waitress. You are throwing me out.

Jane: Come on. It's just a job.

Daria: At least tell me why.

Jane: [sighs] Remember when we first met?

Daria: Self-esteem. How could I forget?

Jane: And I told you I'd taken that class, how many times? seven? [2]

Daria: You said having low self-esteem made you feel special.

Jane: Did you believe that?

Daria: Um, no. But I never gave it much thought.

Jane: Well, the real reason was that I didn't know how else to spend my time. No friends, making art no one understood or appreciated. A dad who's never at home. A mom who, when she is home, only leaves her kiln to eat and sleep.

Daria: You had Trent.

Jane: Who loves me. And is devoted to me. But ...

Daria: Sleeps all day.

Jane: And then you came along.

Daria: Misery attracts.

Jane: To tell you the truth, at first I thought you were more misery than I could handle. But you opened up to me. And I found you were this really wonderful person.

Daria: What have I done to be insulted like that?

Jane: [smirks] My house, my rules. Anyhow. To people who you won't open up to, you might seem like someone who needs help.

Daria: Like my parents, you mean.

Jane: When I stayed at your house [3], I got the impression they didn't know much about you, Daria. [beat] At least try to talk to your mother.

Daria: [sighs] Deal. But under protest. And the threat of being forced to pay rent.

Jane: Sorry, only slacker Lanes stay here free. [beat] I'll help you pack.

OS: Quinn: Hi.

[Jane and Daria turn. Quinn is standing in the doorway]

Daria: What're you doing here?

Jane: And more importantly, how did you get in?

Quinn: Trent let me in. It was strange. He asked if I remembered the pizza this time.

Jane: That's it. He goes on amphetamines today.

Daria: Did Mom send you?

Quinn: Um, no. I ran away. And then I got thrown out. And now I'm here.

Daria: Quinn, from the beginning, please.

Quinn: I couldn't handle Mom and Dad anymore. So I decided to do like you did and move in with Stacy, and she was going to let me stay and all. But I might have said something to her about her room being to small for two people so she asked her parents if I could have her room while she slept in the guest room.

Daria: But then her parents threw you out.

Quinn: Yeah. Daria, you have to come home. I'm not going back without you. If you don't, I'll have to stay here.

Jane: That's it. Both of you. Get out.
 

Scene 3:
[Morgendorffer kitchen. Helen is sitting at the table. Someone approaches behind her, we hear footsteps but don't see anyone.]

Helen: That was fast Quinn, Its only been three hours. I had a feeling you'd turn up after the Rowe's called to complain about how you tried to throw Stacy out of her own room.

Daria: They do it all the time. It was Quinn's turn.

[Shot shifts to Daria and Quinn, standing directly behind Helen. Helen turns around to look at them.]

Helen: Sweetie, you're back!

Quinn: And I'm the one who got her to come home.

[Daria looks to the ceiling. Helen sees it. But Quinn doesn't]

Daria: We need to talk. My terms. My turf.
 

Scene 4:
[Pizza King. Helen is sitting across the table from Daria].

Helen: [looking around dubiously] I'm relieved you didn't choose Pizza Forest again. [2]

Daria: Singing chipmunks are bad for the digestion. And spitting out the fur just ruins the rest of the toppings.

Helen: Hm. I'll keep that in mind. [beat] So what is it you wanted to know?

Daria: What made you think I needed to be institutionalized in an asylum worse than Lawndale High?

Helen: First of all, honey, we hadn't met Ms. Li yet. We thought you were making up those descriptions of your teachers.

Daria: I can see how you'd think I was exaggerating. People like that should only exist in cartoons.

Helen: Yes, it's unfortunate, as two dimensional as most of them are. And they're in charge of your education. [beat] But we were still worried because you DO wear that anti-social mask, and I saw all those poems, and since you never really came to me when something bothered you, I was really worried.

Daria: Mom, that poetry was carved into my walls before I moved in.

Helen: Not THAT poetry. We couldn't have gotten the deal we did on the house without that. [does a Dariesque smirks. Then frowns]. I kept finding poems left around the house. Clearly it was a cry for help.[4]

Daria: I've never stopped leaving depressed poems around the house.

Helen: No, you haven't. For heaven's sake Daria, your father and I can't find out anything about you unless we invade your life, and I KNOW that would be damaging after everything my mom did to me, and I was so worried you'd go through what I went through -

Daria: What are you talking about?

Helen: [sighs] You do NOT repeat this to Quinn, understood?

Daria: Understood.

Helen: And if you try to use this for blackmail or fiscal gain, you will live to regret it.

Daria: Damn.

Helen: [reaches into purse, pulls out notepad. Jots something down. Pushes paper towards Daria, hands her a pen.] This is a confidentiality contract. Sign here.

[Daria signs]

Helen: When I was about your age, I was sent away for a summer because Mother thought I was a bit morose.

Daria: You? Morose?

Helen: I slipped Rita a mickey and died her hair bright green the night before a beauty pageant.

Daria: Hm.

Helen: Don't even think it. Besides, blue would work better with Quinn's hair.

Daria: Oh!

Helen: As it was, Amy was too young to think of it, so I was caught by mother and she sent me to a special camp for the summer.

Daria: And you came back perky and happy.

Helen: Actually, no, I was bitter and resentful...I just pretended to be perky so it wouldn't happen again.

Daria: You learned so much from your experience, you wanted me to have it too?

Helen: Not exactly. Your Dad and I were going to send you to a theater camp for the summer so at least the pretending would be honest.

Daria: That's not having me committed.

Helen: Daria, have you ever MET actors? They're all insane. We thought at least you'd be able to handle Quinn better that way.

Daria: That's not really what you were planning, is it?

Helen: No. But you're old enough that I can practice sarcasm on you now.

Daria: Oh.

Helen: In reality we were going to send you to a therapist over the summer, and place you in a group home with teens of similar intelligence. You were to return to school in the fall as though nothing happened.

Daria: Reprogrammed and happy to watch TV.

Helen: Not quite like that...

Daria: But why send me away? Why not simply make me see a shrink?

Helen: Like last time you mean?

Daria: Mom, Mrs. Manson shouldn't even be allowed to practice on pets.

Helen: I know that. Now. But thats not who I meant. The other time. Back in Highland.

Daria: Oh him. The Rorschach guy.

Helen: I was there, remember? And I saw how it went. "What's this Daria", "A woman suffering from bubonic plague". "And this Daria", "Her husband who is also suffering from bubonic plague". So you'll forgive me if I didn't think much would have come from that.

Daria: Damn. You might have a point. So what changed your mind?

Helen: That story you wrote about all of us for Mr. O'Neill's class where you showed you had hope for the future of the family, and that you saw yourself as part of the family.

Daria: Oh yeah.. you got all...Mom...

Helen: It's so hard to know how you're feeling, and your father and I were so relieved we agreed not to send you.

Daria: And?

Helen: And your father got the estimate for what it would have cost.

Daria: Thought so.

Helen: Now about you coming home -

Daria: Jane's posting a chore list, and threatened to demand rent, so I planned on coming home tonight anyway.

Helen: Shall I tell Quinn?

Daria: Nah. Let her think she made the family peace.
 

Scene 5: [Casa Lane, Jane is seeing Daria out at the door.]

Daria: It's been interesting, but now I look forward to returning to my padded cell.

Jane: Assured that you are safe from waking up in a padded cell other than your own.

Daria: I thought about asking Mom to send me anyway so I could improve my social life, but it occurred to me that I might fit in at an asylum. I wouldn't know how to handle being popular.

Jane: Yeah, the whole "life sucks" thing might actually meet a receptive audience. Way too much for the forces of the universe to handle. [beat] Too bad you're leaving so soon. I'd just worked out a curfew for you and Tom.

Daria: Sorry. Can't torture Quinn if I'm suffering myself. [beat] Or plotting ways to make you suffer.

Jane: Say, how did Quinn handle the excess bonding time with Jake and Helen?

Daria: They're talking about sending her away next summer.
 

THE END
 

Footnotes:

[1] Yeah, we know.

[2] "Esteemsters"

[3] "Lane Miserables"

[4] Daria Diaries: Daria leaves depressed poems around for her mother to find.