Daria in "Genuine Imitation"
By Stephanie

[opening song]

Scene 1- O'Neill's Classroom

MR.O'NEILL: Now, as I'm passing back your papers, let me just fill you in on
the most recent school production!  School is meant to be fun!  And we're
going to prove that!

DARIA: [to Jane] School?  Fun?  Is such a thing possible?

JANE: Yes...think of Clown School.

KEVIN: I got a D!  Yes!

MR.O'NEILL: Now, as I was saying.  The school is going to have a school
production in honor of National Teachers' Day!  Each student will portray a
teacher.  Make a short speech, and get off the stage.  Isn't that just
delightful?

DARIA: I think I'm going to be sick.  This won't create a problem, will it?

JANE: If you start blowing chunks, I'll get the school nurse. If you stop
breathing, we'll cart you to the ER.

MR.O'NEILL: It's a mandatory school play.

CLASS: Awww..

MR.O'NEILL: Now, I know that's harsh, but it's Ms.Li's exact directions.  Each
student must participate!

KEVIN: Can I be the janitor?

MR.O'NEILL: I didn't think janitors were considered teachers, Kevin, but we
could discuss it if you'd like.

BRITTANY: Can I be the janitor's girlfriend?

MR.O'NEILL: [confused] The janitor's girlfriend?

DARIA: Excuse me.

MR.O'NEILL: Yes, Daria?

DARIA: Don't you think the students should volunteer to be in the play out of
the goodness of their hearts instead of being forced against their will to
participate in this public display of ridicule?

MR.O'NEILL: Daria, I completely understand what you're saying.

DARIA: Are you sure those aren't the voices in your head talking?

MR.O'NEILL: You're saying that out of the goodness of your heart, you'd like
to volunteer the class to be in the play!

DARIA: [warily] What?

MR.O'NEILL: I'm very proud of you, Daria!  To be so...courageous!  And since
you said this, I'm going to ask you to do the honors and play our charismatic
principal, Ms.Li!

DARIA: Did I volunteer myself?  Wait, I was talking about something else.

MR.O'NEILL: Class, I'd like you all to follow Daria's excellent example of
participation! 

JANE: Way to go, Daria.

DARIA: Damn.

Scene 2 - Hallway

JANE: You volunteered yourself.  Wow, I thought I'd never live to see that day
that you actually went out on the limb and...participated.

DARIA: Mr.O'Neill completely distorted what I was actually saying.
Misinterpreted.  [sighs]  But I guess there's no way out of this mess.
Unless...  That's it!

JANE: What's it?

DARIA: I'm going to ruin the play.

JANE: As in screw it?  Like, go insane and tear down the curtains?  Jump into
the crowd and start a mosh pit?  Excellent.

DARIA: No.  I'm going to portray Ms.Li the way she really is.

JANE: The way she really is as in superficial, deceitful, and fraudulent?

DARIA: Exactly.

JANE: Hey, good plan.

DARIA: Now all I have to do is say the speech correctly at the play practices.
Then, on the big night, I mess up spontaneously.

JANE: Screw Mr.O'Neill.

DARIA: Screw Ms.Li.

JODIE: Hey, guys.  Hey, Daria, that was really brave of you to volunteer.  I
didn't think you'd be interested.

DARIA: Well, I felt it was my duty to represent Lawndale High's flourished
leader.

JODIE: Really?

DARIA: No.

JODIE: Well, I got the part of Mrs.Bennett.  The math teacher.

JANE: Do you get to draw all those complicating diagrams?  X and
Os...Spaghetti-Os.

JODIE: Yeah..well, good luck, Daria.  Break a leg!

DARIA: Believe me, I'd rather break my leg than go through with this.

BRITTANY: Daria!  Hi!

DARIA: Brittany?

BRITTANY: Since you're, like, the principal and all, can I skip the next three
classes?

DARIA: It's a play.  I'm not really the principal.

BRITTANY: Oh, come on!  Mr.O'Neill even said you were!

JANE: [whispering to Daria] Let's take advantage of Brittany's stupidity and
allow her to skip class.  The results?  Busted.

DARIA: Oh, right.  I am the principal, aren't I?  Yes, you may skip the next
three periods.  Hell, skip all the classes.

BRITTANY: Really?  Thanks, Daria!  [to Kevin] Come on, Kevie!

KEVIN: Cool!  We got permission?

BRITTANY: Yes!  From the principal!!

JANE: I wonder where Brittany went to get her brain surgically removed.

DARIA: She probably wasn't even born with a brain.  She had to grow it.  And
it's still growing obviously.

MR.O'NEILL: Daria!

DARIA: Um, hi, Mr.O'Neill.

MR.O'NEILL: Daria, I'd like to ask you to come to the after school play
rehearsal in the auditorium.

DARIA: Is that a statement or a question?

MR.O'NEILL: Oh, Jane, I was also wondering if you'd like to be Ms.Defoe, the
art teacher.

JANE: I can do big, clunky jewelry.  But hand me a paint-by-the-number kit and
you're a dead man.

MR.O'NEILL: Death?  Jane, why think of such morbid things?

JANE: Uh...

DARIA: [sighing] Okay, Mr.O'Neill.  I'll be there.  But first, can I call my
parents?

MR.O'NEILL: Sure!

DARIA: I prefer to use the phone in the teachers' lounge.

MR.O'NEILL: Why, of course you can.  You're the star of the show.

DARIA: I can get lonely sometimes, and if I'm lonely, I break out and get
hives.  And that's not gonna be pretty.

MR.O'NEILL: Jane, you go with her.

JANE: Yes, sir!

Scene 3 - Teachers' Lounge

DARIA: This is too easy.

JANE: Order two extra large pizzas with anchovies and have it delivered to
Ms.Li.

DARIA: Two extra large pizzas?  How about thirty?  There's nothing better than
seeing a flustered and penniless teacher.  And pounds and pounds of anchovies.

JANE: With five large Cokes on the side.

[dial tone]

DARIA: Hello, this is Ms.Angela Li, principal, of Lawndale High.  I'd like to
order thirty pizzas with nothing but anchovies on it.  Also, five large Cokes.
Be sure to deliver it to Lawndale High.  You can charge it on my credit card
account.

PIZZA GUY: Sure.  We'll try to be there as soon as possible, ma'am!

DARIA: Bye.

JANE: Thirty pizzas with nothing but anchovies?!

DARIA: The Lawndale High Fish Market.

Scene 4- Ms.Li's office

PIZZA GUY: Here you are, ma'am.  Five large cokes with thirty pizzas.  That'll
be two hundred dollars.

MS.LI: What the hell?!

Scene 5- Auditorium

DARIA: [flatly] Hi...I'm Ms.Angela Li, distinguished principal of Lawndale
High School.  I believe making students strive for their goals is a top
priority.  Because I care.  I care about students.  Thank you.

MR.O'NEILL: Why don't you try to add a little bit more...enthusiasm?  Just
to...make it more....friendly, cozy...

DARIA: If you want friendly and cozy, I suggest you get yourself a nice, furry
dog.

JANE: Hello! I'm Mrs.Claire Defoe, the art teacher at Lawndale High.  I
believe art is the class where students can truly express themselves.  Thank
you. [muttering] This sucks.

DARIA: Who writes this crap?

MR.O'NEILL: Very good, Jane, very good!

JANE: Can I use waterpaints?  I really want a part where I can use waterpaints
and just let my creativity run crazy!

MR.O'NEILL: What a delightful idea, Jane!  I'll consider it!

DARIA: Waterpaints?  To let your creativity run crazy?

JANE: Don't worry...I'm going to spill it on purpose--you know, to add some
kick to the play.  Other than your screwing up and everything.

DARIA: Good plan.

Scene 6- Morgendorffer House

HELEN: Well, I was very pleased to see that you went out and decided to be
Ms.Li in Mr.O'Neill's school play.

DARIA: It was mandatory.  Does that count as participation?  I don't want it
to blemish my perfect slate on not participating.

JAKE: That's great, kiddo! You're in a play?  I can't believe you'd have
the..the esteem to volunteer!

DARIA: Did anyone hear me?  It was mandatory.

QUINN: Well, there is no way I would ever play a teacher.  Ick.  It's like,
they completely clash their outfits.  Have you seen that art teacher person?
Completely heinous!  She just wears this huge beads around her neck and those
ugly dresses that fall to her ankles.

DARIA: Oh, right.  Wardrobe is very important in a play, Quinn.

QUINN: To become the character, you must live the character!  Of course, I
wouldn't be caught dead in what Ms.Morris wears.  That P.E. coach, you know?
Sweatpants!  Uggggghh!  Don't teachers know that being fashionable is more
important than being smart?

HELEN: Daria, we'll be rooting you on at opening night.

DARIA: Um, no, Mom.  I think I'd be much too distracted if you were there.

HELEN: Ohhh.  Well, anything you want, dear.  Anything you want.

JAKE: Yeah, kiddo!

DARIA: Then can I have your credit card?  I heard the Anarctica is a very
isolated place.

Scene 7- Auditorium

[whispering]

MR.O'NEILL: Hi.  Hello! [loud feedback] 

AUDIENCE: [groaning]

MR.O'NEILL: [flustered] Oh!  Oh, dear, I'm terribly sorry!  Well...anyway,
I'd...I'd like to welcome you to the school production of--in honor of
National Teachers' day.  Daria Morgendorffer will be playing our principal,
Ms.Li.  Daria?

DARIA: Thank you, Timothy.

MR.O'NEILL: Excuse me?

DARIA: I am the principal, Timothy.  Would you please be seated?  I'd like to
give my presentation speech.

MR.O'NEILL: Right!  Right, of course, you're absolutely right.

[snickering in the audience]

DARIA: Hi...I'm Ms.Angela Li, deceitful and fraudulent principal of Lawndale
High School.  I believe making students unmotivated is a top priority.
Because I don't care.  I care about myself, and myself only.  Thank you.

MR.O'NEILL: [horrified] What?!  Wait, that's not in the script!

MS.LI: Timothy, how dare you!

DARIA: Yes, Timothy.  How dare you!

MR.O'NEILL: Daria's not following the script!

[collective gasp]

GUY in the audience: Hey!  He's accusing his student!  That's not teacherly!

MS.LI: Teacherly?  What the hell are you talking about?

[gasping continues]

GIRL in the audience: Ms.Li, how dare you swear in school!

[Jane stumbles on to the stage]

JANE: Whoops!  [spills water paints on MS.LI]

MS.LI: Augh!  This is outrageous!!  This is..is...wrong!  Miss Lane!  Miss
Morgendorffer!  Mr.O'Neill!  This is crazy!  I'm ruined!

[leaves angrily]

DARIA: [smiles]

JANE: All right.  Our duty is complete.

Scene 8- Ms.Li's office

MS.LI: Daria, Jane.  Miss Morgendorffer, Miss Lane.  What you did was
completely uncouth, rude, and disrespectful.

JANE: Was it our fault that we portrayed the teachers the way they really
were?

MS.LI: I am NOT deceitful!  And Mrs.Defoe is NOT clumsy.

DARIA: Hmm.  I see what you're saying Ms.Li.  But we were just telling the
truth.  You don't want us to LIE...do you?

MS.LI: [sputtering] No!  No, of course not.

JANE: Don't you think students are starting to get, ahem, very suspicious of
the constant fundraisers?  That are, excuse me, always made mandatory?

MS.LI: [gasps]

DARIA: [smiles]

JANE: [smiles]

THE END