Gay Blade 

INT: MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM 

Quinn and Daria are on the couch. Quinn is on the phone and Daria is watching TV. 

TV: Are portable phones made from dismantled nuclear reactors? Radioactive Receivers,
Next on Sick Sad World 

Daria (glances at Quinn who is still on the phone): They have to ask? 

Quinn: Just a sec, Matthew, I have another call. (Switches lines) Hello? Mom it’s for you! 

Helen: (takes the phone from Quinn) Hello? Why hello Judy! Well how are things...(trails off)
Uh-huh I see. Well, it is a big change. I’ll have to talk to the family about it, but I don’t see a
problem. Bye. 

Daria: Who was that Mom? 

Helen: I’ll tell you at dinner dear. 

INT: MORGENDORFFER DINING ROOM 

The family is around the table eating lasagna as always. 

Helen: Jake, girls we have to talk. 

Quinn: I swear I wasn’t at the Holiday Inn with Mark last night, Mom !! 

Helen and Jake: What!? 

Quinn: Uh, never mind. 

Helen: Anyway, your Aunt Judy called this afternoon. She asked us to take care of Kylie
while she went on a tour of Europe. 

Daria: Didn’t Kylie run away after she told her mom - 

Helen: (Cutting Daria off) Daria! Don’t mention Kylie’s uh, problem. Judy also wanted us to
help Kylie get over this phase. 

Daria: Mom, Kylie’s a lesbian, I don’t think you grow out of that. 

Helen: I’m sure that Kylie needs a few sessions with my analyst to help her realize that she
is not ready to hold herself to this lifestyle. 

Quinn: A lesbian!!! Mom this will totally kill my popularity. She might, might get a crush on
me!!! If she stays here I’ll have to lock myself in my room ‘till I die! ( doorbell ) That’s my
date. 

Quinn gets up and leaves. 

Helen: Well what do you think, Daria? You and Kylie always got along. 

Daria: Another person in here, I doubt it will make a difference. 

Helen: Jake? 

Jake: (obviously not paying attention) Will she bring boyfriends home late? 

Helen: Do you hear anything that goes on here!?!?!?!?!?! 

INT: DARIA’S ROOM -- NEXT DAY 

Daria is on the phone with Jane. Split screen to show Jane in her room painting. 

Jane: So your lesbian cousin is staying with you because her mother wants your mother to
fix her so she’ll be a perky, popular, strait person? 

Daria: That’s about it. 

Jane: What’s Kylie like? 

Daria: Well, she’s the only person on my mother’s side of the family that has no ambition
whatsoever, and she doesn’t try to ‘fix’ me. So I guess it’ll be okay to have her around. 

Jane: Wow, she must really be the black sheep if you accept her presence willingly. 

Daria: Yeah 

Jane: When’s she coming? 

Daria: Sometime this afternoon. She’s driving up. 

Jane: She has her own car? 

Daria: Yeah. (hear a car pull up outside) She’s here. 

Jane: Later. 

INT: MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM 

Daria opens the front door and Kylie steps in. Kylie has brown hair and it is cut short. She
is pale and is wearing jeans, combat boots, a purple shirt, and a black workshirt over it.
She has a duffel bag over her shoulder and a guitar in her hand. 

Daria: Hey Kylie. 

Kylie (just as deadpan): Hey Daria. 

Daria: Nobody else is here right now, but Mom says that you’re in the guest room and she
wants to talk to you before dinner. 

Kylie: Wants to start fixing me already huh? 

Daria: Yup. Quinn thinks that you’ll wreck her popularity by getting a crush on her. 

Kylie: I’m a lesbian, not desperate. No one murdered Quinn yet? 

Daria: I’ve come real close. 

Kylie: You would be doing the world a favor. Where’s the guest room? 

INT: MORGENDORFFER DINING ROOM - EVENING 

Helen: So Kylie, I really think you’ll like this analyst. She really does wonders with people
with preferences like yours. 

Kylie raises her eyebrows but says nothing. 

Helen: Kylie, I’ve arranged for you to go to school with Daria and Quinn for as long as
you’re here. 

Kylie: Yeah whatever. 

Quinn: Just, just stay away from me. Mom she can’t come to school, it’s bad enough that
Daria is there. 

INT: LAWNDALE HIGH HALLWAY BY LOCKERS 

Jane, Daria, and Kylie are in front of the lockers. 

Jane: So you can teach Trent how to get that Open-D tuning? 

Kylie: Sure, once he gets it down he’ll never forget it. 

Daria: Watch out, here comes Upchuck. 

Upchuck comes over. 

Upchuck: Hello, Ladies, who is this lovely flower? 

Pats Kylie on the back. 

Kylie: Move your hand, or I’ll move it for you. 

Upchuck: Feisty! Well, what if I don’t? 

Close in on Daria and Jane’s faces hear in the background 

Kylie: HI-YAH!!! 

THUNK W

iden picture to see Upchuck on the ground. Flat on his face and Kylie wiping her hands on
her jeans. Miss Barch comes over. 

Miss Barch: What happened? 

Kylie: He made a pass at me and I gave him a karate chop to the stomach. 

Miss Barch: I like the way you think. 

She turns to Upchuck 

Get off the floor, you lying cheating man!!! 

Upchuck gets off the floor and Miss Barch leads him away. 

Kylie: Do I want to know? 

Daria and Jane: No. 

Quinn and her friends walk by. Kylie looks at Daria and Daria nods. 

Kylie: Hi Quinn. 

Quinn quickly looks away. 

INT: MORGENDORFFER LIVING ROOM 

Kylie is watching TV and Daria comes in. 

Daria: Aren’t you supposed to be at the analyst? 

Kylie: Darn, must have forgotten. 

Daria: What a shame. 

Kylie; Let’s go to Jane’s. I promised I’d teach her brother to master the open - D tuning. 

Daria: There’s a message for you on the machine, from someone named Brenda. 

Kylie: My girlfriend, is the message still on the machine? 

Daria: Yeah. 

Kylie: Then I’ll listen to it when we get back. 

Jake and Helen walk in. 

Helen: Are you girls leaving? 

Daria: We’re going to Jane’s. 

Helen: It’s good that you made a friend Kylie. 

Daria and Kylie leave. 

Jake: Let’s go, I’m expecting a message from work. Look, there’s a message on the
machine. 

EXT.: MORGENDORFFER HOUSE 

Jake: (from inside) Oh My God!!!!! 

Helen: Jake, your eyes! 

THE END