Friends are so Alarming

Standard Disclaimers, etc.

So I like acronyms. It's not a crime.

This is my very first fanfic. I am of course somewhat nervous as far as all this goes, but I would appreciate feedback. So, if you have an opinion of my little story, please, send it here:

uawcpm@netzero.net

Ahem--before we begin, I'd just like to mention the slightly mature subject matter of the following work. If alternate lifestyles offend you, well, you might not want to read this story. On the other hand, if that's your bag, baby, well, you're in the right place, yeah! Oh, behave.

OK. That's enough.

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For those of you who want one, I included a brief summary, which is below. If you don't…well, I warned you.

Summary

Sandi communicates a shocking revelation to Quinn: evidently, there's more than one reason that Sandi doesn't like boys fawning all over her [rim shot.]. Daria and Jane don't actually do anything terribly interesting. Sorry.

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FRIENDS ARE SO ALARMING

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ACT I, SCENE i

[The Lane Residence. Daria and Jane are sitting in Jane's room. Jane is painting. Please, don't ask me what. Daria is on Jane's bed, writing.]

JANE: [setting down her brush, Jane speaks] So, Daria, are you hungry yet? I think Trent still has some pizza from last night.

DARIA: No, thanks. I'm not hungry. You go ahead. I'll follow in a minute.

JANE: Suit yourself.

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ACT I, SCENE ii

[Lawndale High School. The interior. Study Hall. Ms. Barch is bitter, angry, and watching as Mack once more writes unflattering messages about his sex on the chalkboard ad nauseum. The usual suspects are lurking in the classroom, Brittany, Kevin, Jane, Daria, etc., etc.]

DARIA: Are you feeling OK, Jane?

[Jane looks a little disheveled. Her hair is slightly askew, and she looks tired, wan, and pale.]

JANE: Huh?

DARIA: You seem ill.

JANE: [sounding sick] I am. I think that pizza last night did it, too. You lucked out, Daria. I guess anorexia has its privileges. [pause] Excuse m-- [Jane lurches from her desk and sprints out the door.]

[Ms. Barch sits up and takes notice of the fleeing Jane. She then springs into action.]

BARCH: [angrily] All right! Unless one of you filthy males confesses to making that poor girl leave the room, you will all have a month of detention.

[The males of the classroom start up, and look around at each other. They all look worried as the screen fades to black.]

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ACT I, SCENE iii

[The hallways of Lawndale High. Quinn and her constant companions, Stacy, Sandi, and Tiffany are gathered together, having another in-depth discussion on all matters philosophical, or whatever it is they talk about.]

SANDI: Stacy, Tiffany, report, please.

STACY: We got the mint green streamers, the sky blue streamers, and the medium-size assorted color balloon packs.

TIFFANY: Um, you did mean medium-sized balloons…right? Not just medium-sized packages?

SANDI: Yes, Tiffany. Why would I care what size the package was? I just want balloons that look cute and fun. Don't you agree, Quinn?

QUINN: Of course, Sandi. [turning to Tiffany, and taking a very professional air] It's impossible to create a "cute" texture with a balloon that is too large. Even simply blowing them up less won't work. The balloons don't look right [snapping out of her little speech mode, she turns back to simply face the group]. Remember? We discussed this yesterday?

[Sandi blinks, then looks slightly oddly at Quinn. Agreement is not terribly common between the two.]

TIFFANY: O-ohhhhhhhhh.

SANDI: That leaves only the actual decorating, then. Quinn, since you are obviously so gifted in that department, why don't you assist me in decorating my house for Saturday?

QUINN: [Panicked] Um, I don't know if I can afford to stay out all night. Homework.

SANDI: Quinn, you know that when trying to make important decisions, the Fashion Club always comes first. Or do you not feel that way anymore?

QUINN: [slightly dejected] No, Sandi, I would love to help you with your party. [artfully] I'm sure that between the four of us, we should be ready in no time.

SANDI: Quinn, you know that Stacy and Tiffany are working on making sure all of the popular people are invited to my party.

QUINN: But this will take forever without them!

SANDI: I'm so sorry, Quinn, but there's nothing else we can do.

[Quinn looks rather irritated, but she keeps herself in check.]

[The bell rings, and with the bell, music, chosen solely by me, begins to play. In this case the song shall be "Beast of Burden" by the Rolling Stones.]

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ACT I, SCENE iv

[Hey, new scene. The relatively ubiquitous lockers. Daria is putting her books away as the music once more fades out, and Jane walks in.]

JANE: It was bound to happen sooner or later. Trent's never been very careful with his leftovers. I guess I'm just gonna have to ride this out.

DARIA: Why are you even here today, then?

JANE: Trent left some pizza boxes out overnight. The house reeks of stale cheese.

DARIA: So, school is currently the lesser of two evils?

JANE: Yeah. Although, I think I might be feeling a little better.

DARIA [cocking an eyebrow] Really?

JANE: No. [She clutches her stomach and dashes off]

[Daria blinks.]

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ACT I, SCENE v

[Daria's room. I think I'm right in saying that it is a waste of time to describe it. Daria is sitting on her bed, watching some odd television show, and talking on the phone with Jane.]

TV: James, I know that I'm different than those people. I don't need to change myself just to fit in. I'm just gonna toss these things in the trash. They're uncomfortable as hell, anyway.

TV: David, I knew somehow that you'd come around. Let's go get a pizza, eh?

DARIA: A cartoon designed for the outcast teenage male. Who would watch this?

JANE (VO): I thought that's why they make Star Trek.

DARIA: Good point. So, how's the stomach?

JANE (VO): Worse. And nothing will get rid of that cheese smell in here.

DARIA: Ouch.

JANE (VO): On the other hand, Trent's fine. I think that boy can eat anything.

DARIA: [totally noncommittal] Uh-huh.

JANE (VO): Daria! You've got a sick mind. [pause] Hold on--

[Daria sighs and holds the phone away from her head.]

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ACT I, SCENE vi

[Sandi's house. Sandi and Quinn are busily working with the streamers on the staircase. Quinn is looking flustered, but making progress at the top of stairs. Sandi is making some show of doing work, while actually accomplishing little, on the bottom. Around them are scattered what look like enough decorations to create a very impressive display. Sandi seems to be haunted by Quinn/Jane's effort on the party from Daria Dance Party. "Crazy Little Thing Called Love", by Queen, starts in the background. I know they'd be listening to something much more "pop", but I can't even give you titles of pop songs, let alone groups. The song is ironically fitting, anyway.]

QUINN: Sandi, where exactly is your family?

SANDI: My parents work late, and my little brothers have some kind of game they're going to. I think they're on the soccer team, or something.

QUINN: Hmm.

SANDI: [looking disenchanted with the whole concept of "manual" labor] Quinn, I think it's time for a break.

QUINN: [not really caring one way or another] OK.

[Through the miracle of television, in a mere moment of blackness, the scene has changed. Now, Quinn and Sandi are sitting on a couch, drinking diet soda. Quietly. Sandi glances occasionally over at Quinn, looking as if she wants to say something. Quinn is simply mesmerized by the fashion channel, or whatever it is that they're watching. Eventually she notices Sandi's glances.]

QUINN: [Turning to face Sandi] I don't have something stuck in my hair, do I?

SANDI: [Turning to face Quinn] No.

QUINN: [Curiously, and ever so slightly accusatory] What is it, then? Do I have tape on me, or something?

SANDI: [Nervously] Quinn, if I'm not bothering your creative processes, or whatever, may I ask you a question?

QUINN: [noncommittal] Um, sure.

SANDI: [hesitantly and less annoyingly deep, AKA nervously] Quinn, you play with guys' heads just to make them do things for you, but you never give them anything in return. You won't even let a guy slow dance with you. Why?

QUINN: [confused, shocked, etc.] Wh-what? I don't know what you're talking about.

SANDI: [still nervously, but less so] Quinn, I think we both know why you keep guys from getting close to you.

QUINN: Wh-what?

SANDI: [growing more confident] Come on, Quinn. Isn't it obvious? You only date boys for the attention. I don't even think guys are what you want, are they?

QUINN: [blushing furiously and viciously angry] No, that's not true! I--I--

SANDI: Oh, really, Quinn?

QUINN: Sandi, what's gotten into you? I just don't want to rush into a relationship too quickly. I want to get to know a guy before I get too physical with him.

SANDI: Do you think, I'm, like, dumb or something? If that is true, then why is it that you never bother to go out with anyone more than a couple of times?

QUINN: It is true, Sandi!

SANDI: I'm sorry, Quinn. I'm not trying to pry into your life, or anything. I was just…curious.

QUINN: That's OK, I guess.

SANDI: I just thought that, well, maybe…maybe…

QUINN: [Not quite catching on] Maybe what?

SANDI: [hesitantly] Maybe, um, you and I, could, maybe, go someplace together.

QUINN: [somewhat fearfully] What do you mean when you say "together"?

SANDI: [hesitantly] Well, I mean like a couple, Quinn.

QUINN: [complete shock] Wha--Wha? Huh?

SANDI: [Again, hesitantly] I've wanted you ever since I first laid eyes on you! I'm sorry that I was jealous and nervous around you for so long. I've never felt this way about anyone before.

QUINN: [Totally shocked, she manages to eke out a few simple words] Sandi--you're--kidding [long pause] right?

SANDI: [Close-up of her face as she is plagued by doubt. She's more nervous now than ever. She shakes her head no.]

QUINN: [confused] I--don't--know?

SANDI: [slightly more confident, but still very nervous] I'm sorry, Quinn. Promise me that you'll think about it. I promise not to tell a soul. No one will know about--"us"--if there is an "us". [She stands, and then extends a hand to help a shaky, nervous Quinn up. Quinn accepts it, gets on her feet, and walks by Sandi without looking at her. She gets to the door, opens it, and looks back at Sandi for a moment.

QUINN: [nervously] I think I should be going now.

SANDI: [Also nervously] All right, Quinn. Please, think about it! No one will know but us.

QUINN: [gives a half nod, then says] Bye. [She leaves the house without another word, quietly shutting the door on her way out.]

SANDI: [Quietly, to herself] Bye. [pause] Good one, Griffin. Way to impress her. Next time, maybe I can just let her watch Fluffy cough up a furball, or something.

[The music fades out.]

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[Technically, now there should be a commercial break. OK. Picture a couple of Star Wars commercials. Damn, that movie kicks ass.]

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ACT II, SCENE i

[Daria's room. Daria is lying on her bed, facing upward, but is still on the phone. She looks about half-asleep with the phone in her hand.]

JANE (VO): [Sounding tired] Must. Hang. Up. Can't. Stay. Awake.

DARIA: [waking up slightly.] Tomorrow.

JANE (VO): Tomorrow?

DARIA: Yes, Friday.

JANE (VO): What about it?

DARIA: Will you be in school tomorrow?

JANE (VO): Not sure. Probably not. The cheese smell should be gone by then.

DARIA: Good night.

JANE (VO): Good--Oh, God--

[Daria gets another sickened look in her face, pulls the phone from her ear and hangs up. Then she turns on her side, pulls a book out from beneath her bed, and begins reading.]

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ACT II, SCENE ii

[Morgendorfer House. Interior view of the living room. The front door is visible in the background. Helen and Jake are watching TV. Quinn quietly opens the front door, slides in, and shuts the door behind her. Then she stalks quietly up the stairs, no one the wiser.]

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ACT II, SCENE iii

[Quinn's Room. A hellish place of hatred and fear. OK, maybe not. I just dislike pink. Quinn is pacing back and forth (on bare feet) like some kind of caged beast. Her door is tightly shut, and locked from the inside. I would suspect that "Did You Ever Have to Make Up Your Mind?" by the Lovin' Spoonful is appropriate background music at this time.]

[Music fades out.]

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ACT II, SCENE iv

[Lawndale HS. You know the drill. Think "lockers". Think Fashion Club. Think Fashion Club, sans Quinn, standing in front of these lockers. I'm forced to say that "You Can't Always Get What You Want" by the Rolling Stones is playing.]

SANDI: We are in the midst of a Fashion Club emer--

[Quinn walks into Sandi's view from behind her back, looking nervous.]

SANDI: Oh, Quinn, how kind of you to show up. I hope we haven't interrupted your busy schedule. [Sandi gives Quinn a very small smile and winks at her, two things that the other Fashion Club members fail to notice. Quinn's initial reaction is one of hurt, then surprise, after the wink & smile.]

QUINN: [Suppressing surprise] Sorry, Sandi, woman problems.

[Sandi arches an eyebrow, and after a pause, she continues her previous statement.]

SANDI: So, as I was saying, we are in the midst of a Fashion Club emergency. Quinn and I were unable to completely decorate my house last night. For the sake of the party, I suggest we cancel our dates and work on finishing the job tonight.

TIFFANY: What about the canvassing?

SANDI: Without a party worthy of attendance, canvassing will be worthless.

TIFFANY: Ohhhhh.

[The bell rings. Tiffany and Stacy leave, but Sandi and Quinn stick around.]

QUINN: Um, thanks, for--ah--

SANDI: It was nothing, Quinn. [moving a little closer] Tell me, has a good night's sleep helped you sort things out?

QUINN: [nervously] No-time-to-talk. I've-got-to-get-to-class.

[Quinn hurries off to one side. Sandi allows herself a brief moment of worry, and then heads off-camera in the opposite direction. The music fades out.]

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[Hey, look, it's that Star Wars/Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and KFC commercial where Queen Amidala is sending a distress signal from Naboo, which just happens to bring a statue of Colonel Sanders to life. I'm pretty sure that whoever came up with that commercial series is intimately acquainted with the words "crack" and "pipe". Follow it up with the other commercials in the sequence, and then more Daria fanfic.]

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ACT III, SCENE i

[Griffin residence. Sandi and the other fashion club members are doing whatever it is people do when "decorating" the ground floor of the house. I, again, am no expert. I just assume that Sandi will be going for something more impressive, or at least more garish, than anything Quinn could get Jane to do.]

SANDI: [looking over at Quinn] Quinn, why don't you and I work on the upstairs? [turning to Stacy and Tiffany] I'm sure you guys can handle the rest of this alone.

QUINN: [nervously] Shouldn't we do one floor, and then the other?

SANDI: Splitting up will help us concentrate on the task at hand, Quinn. We have to get this done. It's not every weekend that my family leaves town AND takes my little brothers with them.

QUINN: [seeing the proverbial handwriting on the wall, she sighs, looks down, and replies:] All right.

[Sandi grabs a box of stuff and trudges up the stairs. Quinn follows.]

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ACT III, SCENE ii

[The second story of the Griffin household. I'm assuming there is some kind of landing. Sandi is just setting her box down when the scene opens.]

QUINN: Look, Sandi, did you bring us up here on purpose?

SANDI: Of course I did, Quinn. Unless you wanted to talk about this in front of them? How much work can a spare bathroom be?

QUINN: All right, all right. I was just checking. I appreciate you not acting differently around me in front of anybody.

SANDI: You're welcome.

QUINN: Wouldn't it be impossible to be able to hide something like this?

SANDI: Trust me, Quinn, those two will not figure it out. This isn't my first time, you know.

QUINN: You mean--?

SANDI: It was, like, years ago, Quinn. She and I broke up, and just after that, you arrived. In fact, it was when I caught her checking you out that day, that, well... At the time I hated anything associated with her, Quinn. I didn't mean it personally. I looked for any excuse to not like you. I'm sorry. I never really hated you, I just wanted to.

QUINN: Who was it?

SANDI: She and I agreed not to tell anyone. Ever. [with an ever-so-slightly artful look in her face] This is a little embarrassing, Quinn. I mean, here I am revealing my innermost secrets, when I don't even know how you feel.

QUINN: Look, I've--well--never, um--that is to say--I--

SANDI: [worried, with an anxious--though hopeful--catch in her voice] What?

QUINN: I don't know, Sandi! I've never done anything like this before!

SANDI: Do you think you could?

QUINN: [questioningly] Ask me tomorrow?

SANDI: Oh, thank you, Quinn. I thought I was right about you.

QUINN: Can we please talk about something else? I'm still really uncomfortable with this.

SANDI: Sure.

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ACT III, SCENE iii

[In the blackness of that instant between scenes, "You Really Got Me" by the Kinks begins in the background. The blackness turns into Quinn's room. Quinn is still quite upset, and still pacing, in the semi-darkness of her moonlit room. Zoom in on her clock. The time is now 10:53. It blurs to 1:52. Zoom back out to view the whole room. Quinn is still pacing. She glances up at herself in the mirrors, shudders slightly at her haggard appearance, sighs, and leaves her room.]

[Daria's Room. Daria is lying in her bed, sleeping. She's barely visible in the pale light flowing in from the barred window. The Kinks fade out, and the instrumental section of "Can't You Hear Me Knocking?" by the Rolling Stones begins. Meanwhile, there is a quiet knock at Daria's door. Daria doesn't even hear it. After a pause, the knock returns, more loudly. Daria stirs slightly, rolling over on her other side. Finally, the knock is so loud that it practically shakes the door. Daria starts in the bed, waking up.]

DARIA: [glancing around and seeing that it not yet morning] If it's not the rapture, go away.

QUINN: [quietly] Daria, I need to talk to you.

DARIA: You just had a nightmare, Quinn. Go back to bed. I didn't touch your hair.

QUINN: It's not that. This is really important.

DARIA: [sighing] Can't it wait until morning?

QUINN: [Sincerely worried] No.

DARIA: [tiredly] You had better be holding an amputated appendage.

[Daria set up in bed, grabs her glasses, and stumbles out of bed to the door. She finds the knob after a moment's searching. Upon unlocking the door, she opens it to behold a very worried- and disheveled-looking Quinn, still wearing her usual outfit.]

DARIA: [deadpanning] Fashion crisis?

QUINN: Damn it, Daria, shut up! I don't have time for your sarcasm right now.

DARIA: [blinking] I'm heartbroken. Good night.

QUINN: Wait! Damn you.

DARIA: Flattery will get you nowhere, Quinn.

QUINN: All right, look, I'm in a serious situation, Daria, and you're like, the only one I know I can actually talk to about it.

DARIA: What about your fashion comrades?

QUINN: They would--um--not be appropriate for this.

DARIA: [Deep sigh.] All right. As long as I'm already awake. Go ahead.

QUINN: [Looking sheepish] Well, there's this, um, guy I know, and he's not like anyone I've ever dated. It's--

DARIA: [With a hint of steel in her voice] Is this some kind of a sick joke?

QUINN: No! I'm dead serious! Now, as I was saying, it isn't his looks or anything, because he's hot and all, but--

DARIA: So, why are you telling me this? You've said yourself many times that I have no business in your life.

QUINN: [annoyed] Daria, will you let me finish? I was just curious as to your opinion about, like, one of those right and wrong things, since you always have those, um…

DARIA: Principles?

QUINN: Yeah, those things you and Mom and Dad always fight about. Anyway, would it be all right to go out with someone totally opposite what you actually look for in a guy, or is that, like, wrong?

DARIA: Morally? I don't know. Do you like him, or are you just trying to extract free meals and entertainment from him?

QUINN: Um, like him. And I like every guy I date. I am just accustomed to a certain standard of treatment by my dates.

DARIA: Whatever. Look, Quinn, as long as you aren't intentionally misleading him, I can't see how it would be "wrong". Now go to sleep. Please.

QUINN: You're sure?

DARIA: Yes, Quinn. As long as you treat him differently from every other guy you've dated, you should be fine.

QUINN: And what is that supposed to mean?

DARIA: Don't deceive him, lie to him, or date him just for his ability to pay for things, and your tender conscience will remain untainted.

QUINN: I don't do that now! I date only guys I actually like!

DARIA: [Totally monotone] Right.

QUINN: Anyway, getting back to my question, you're sure? Even if I don't know how I feel about her--I mean him?

DARIA: [arches an eyebrow] Isn't that what dating is supposedly all about?

QUINN: You're probably right. [pause] Um, thanks, Daria.

DARIA: You're welcome. Now, please, go to bed.

QUINN: Could you do me another favor?

DARIA: [slightly annoyed] What?

QUINN: Could you not tell anyone about this?

DARIA: Who would believe me?

QUINN: [Taking that as a "yes"] Good night, Daria.

[Quinn steps away from the door and walks back to her room.]

DARIA: [to herself] I must be hallucinating.

[Daria shuts the door. The music fades out.]

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ACT III, SCENE iv

[The Griffin household. A party is in progress. Needless to say, the Fashion Club is in attendance, albeit sans Quinn, and so are all the popular kids (Jodie, Kevin, Mack, and the other members of the football team, the cheerleaders, Brittany, etc.).]

[The three other Fashion Club members are standing together, chatting in the background. Sandi speaks.]

SANDI: [worried] What is happening with Quinn? She's been in that bathroom since the time she got here. I don't even think she said "hello" to us.

STACY: [hesitantly] You should go check on her. Maybe she's sick.

SANDI: I suppose you would like me to do it, too, right Stacy? [irritated] All you ever do is take from me, Stacy. Can't I ever do enough for the Fashion Club to satisfy you? Do you want me to open a vein, or something?

STACY: [attempting to mount a protest] All I mea--

SANDI: [condescending] Don’t even try to explain, Stacy. It won't work. I have to go see Quinn now.

[With great, quiet dignity, Sandi walks over toward the staircase.]

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ACT III, SCENE v

[The Griffin second story bathroom. Quinn is inside, looking at herself in the mirror, nervously.]

QUINN: [mouthing the words only] I can do this, I can do this, I ca--

[Someone pounds at the door.]

GUY (VO): [annoyed] C'mon! Hurry up and get out!

QUINN: [also annoyed, and turning to look at the door] Can't a girl do her business in peace? Wait your turn!

[The unknown assailant jiggles the doorknob, but to no avail. The door is locked.]

GUY (VO): You've been doing your business for the past half an hour! This is not the make-out room!

QUINN: Are you a woman?

GUY (VO): No.

QUINN: Then shut up.

[Quinn turns toward the mirror again, looking even more worried.]

SANDI (VO): Quinn?

QUINN: Sandi? What do you want?

SANDI (VO): May I come in?

QUINN: Oh, why not.

[Quinn walks to the door, unlocks it, and opens it sufficiently for Sandi to enter, all the while hiding behind the door, so that no one may see who is inside. She then shuts and relocks the door.]

SANDI: [arched eyebrow] Enjoying the party?

QUINN: [whispering] Look, Sandi… [makes a "quiet down" gesture.]

SANDI: [whispering] Yes?

QUINN: [whispering] I don't know how to put this, but, I suppose we, um, could--

SANDI: [whispering hoarsely] Really? Do you mean it, Quinn?

QUINN: [whispering] Yes.

SANDI: [whispering] You don't know how happy you've made me.

[Sandi fiercely hugs Quinn, who freezes up completely at the contact. After a moment, though, she manages to calm down enough to gently pat Sandi back.]

QUINN: [with an indecipherable expression on her face] You're messing up my hair. [pause, then whispering again] One condition: no one can know.

GUY (VO): What the hell is going on in there?

SANDI: [whispering] Deal. [normal tone] Nothing.

[Sandi motions mischievously to the bathroom window. Quinn frowns for a moment, then smiles and motions dramatically to Sandi. Sandi opens the window, takes out the screen, and climbs out. She offers a helping hand to Quinn, who follows her out onto the roof.* Moments later, we hear a muffled "thud", followed by another muffled "thud".]

*I'm assuming that the Griffin household: 1. Has a second-story bathroom. 2. Has a window in said bathroom. 3. Said window overlooks an angled roof, as opposed to a straight fall to the ground. I have never gone through the Daria books, and I haven't made a study of the house plans from what the show itself has shown. If they have shown me to be wrong, though, please tell me. I can always modify this bit. Grappling hooks are realistic, right? :>

Thanks for your support,

The UAWCPM

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ACT III, SCENE vi

[Lawndale High. A hallway. Lockers. Et cetera. Daria. Behold, she doth open her locker, and yeah, she proceedeth to take books from within it. Hallelujah!]

[Enter Jane. Behold, her appearance doth seem hearty and hale. Praise the Lord JAY-SUS!!!!]

DARIA: Good morning, Jane.

JANE: So, how was your weekend?

DARIA: I came. I saw. I slept.

JANE: How exciting.

DARIA: Tell me about it.

JANE: Aren't you going to ask me about my health?

DARIA: Stop throwing up yet?

JANE: Yup. I'm fine.

[Enter Quinn, closely followed by the Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie.]

QUINN: Look, guys, I think it's great that you're so willing to be helpful, and all, but don't you want to date someone more…attainable?

JOEY: What?

JEFFY: Huh?

JAMIE: What are you trying to say?

QUINN: [to herself] I can't say I didn't try. Joey, Jeffy, Jon, why doesn't one of you find me a diet soda?

JAMIE: Which one of us?

QUINN: I'm sure you guys must have some way to decide that on your own.

[Cutting back to Daria and Jane, who were forced to witness the conversation.... In the background, the three J's have begun arguing, and things have obviously come to blows.]

JANE: Any idea what that little oddity was all about?

DARIA: Actually, yes.

[Nothing happens for a moment.]

JANE: Well?

DARIA: There appears to be some guy that Quinn is actually attracted to for reasons other than attention and entertainment.

JANE: [disappointed] Oh.

DARIA: Tell me about it.

[Cut to credits. At this point, I think that it would behoove us were we to let Jimi take over: specifically, with "Foxy Lady".]

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Congratulations, you've either read my fanfic or scrolled to the bottom. Either way, I'm sure you're very proud. Again, please send me comments on the story, if you have them. I know I took some liberties with the characters. I'm not exactly sure that Sandi would want her house decorated to the nth degree. However, I think it does sound plausible. Oh, that and I'm pretty sure Sandi and Quinn aren't really attracted to chicks, or each other.

Anyway, thanks for your time.

The Under Assistant West Coast Promotion Man

PS--Oh, finally, I'd like to thank the people from alt.tv.daria that confirmed my belief that the Griffin house does have a staircase. I don't remember names, but you were helpful.