Short summary:
Four short scripts about events that could
happen in Lawndale. Please don’t take them seriously.
Daria (and
associated characters and locations) is copyright © 1997-2000 MTV Networks.
This
story is copyright © 2002 by Bacner (olgak531@rogers.com)
and has been written for personal enjoyment. No infringement of the above
rights is intended.
SCENE1
A darkened stage, with a
single overhead projector illuminating the cloaked figure sitting on a stool on
the stage below. The figure (the narrator) speaks in the voice resembling the
one of Stacy Rowe, only slightly older:
Narrator: this is a true
story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine…
SCENE2
Tiffany Blum-Deckler’s room,
the narrator’s voice comes from the scene.
Narrator: Now when I was in
school I was the victor of a Miss Delaware contest, and my grandmother won the
crown of Miss Maryland, and I hope that my daughter will be the victor
of Miss Massachusetts, but that Tiffany Blum-Deckler girl was a whole other
story. She exercised day and night and stooped to every dirty trick in
the book to win the Miss USA title – talk about an overachiever!
(Flashes of Tiffany
exercising in a gym, of Tiffany pinching another girl to win one contest, of
Tiffany sabotaging the dress of another girl in another contest, etc)
Narrator: But Tiffany’s most
prominent idiocy was her diet.
SCENE3
Tiffany’s eating. She’s
having exactly two peas on her plate, and she’s slicing them into thin slices
(duh) so that she could enjoy them.
SCENE4
Tiffany is looming over a
submarine sandwich, but she doesn’t eat it, just inhales the aroma.
Narrator: If you’d ask me, or
any of her friends, that girl’s figure was just fine, but did she listen – no!
She was going to win that Miss Boston contest no matter what!!
SCENE5
Tiffany is looking frantic,
looking through the magazines for any diet tips.
Narrator: So, the silly bint
goes through medical magazines for better diets, and what does she find, but
Dr. Shar’s pills for growing thin?!
SCENE6
Tiffany is on the phone.
Tiffany: Hel-lo-o? Dr.
Shar-r?.. It’s Tiffany Blum-Deckler… Want me to spell my name?.. Oh-h, you’ve
got it written down by now?.. You sure-e you want to make an exception of
me-e?.. Well-l, I want to buy-y your diet pills-s?.. You have them ready-y
already-y?.. Cool-l!.. When can I get them-m?.. You’ll deliver-r?.. Bye
then!..”
SCENE7
Tiffany is on the couch,
swallowing the pills as sunflower seeds, one-by-one
Narrator: And so the silly
girl got the pills. Now the pills were supposed to take off one pound a day,
because you were supposed to take only one pill and only before a meal, and
have a drink only after a meal, but this is Tiffany, people! She ate them
constantly, for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and – for once – didn’t refrain
from eating real food either. But she drunk very sparingly, very, very sparingly…
SCENE8
Tiffany is sitting in the
back wings of the contest’s podium. She’s looking miserable (for her anyways).
One girl – we don't see her face – offers her water – but Tiffany refuses.
Narrator: And so, the contest
came, and Tiffany won. But her joy was slightly ruined by the fact that her
mouth seemed to be located in the Mojave Desert, and then there was-
SCENE9
Tiffany is standing before
the podium, smiling, when she… hiccups. Directly Into the microphone.
Tiffany: Oops.
The contest’s presenter
offers Tiffany a glass of water but she shakes her head, and begins her
triumphant walk across to the arena with the prizes. And guess what? One of
those prizes is a fully-loaded… water cooler. Tiffany’s self-control snaps, and
she empties the whole thing. And then-
Narrator: Now for those of
you who don’t like reading the newspapers, I guess I have to tell you that Dr.
Shar’s diet pills were not really pills but miniature sponges, and I think that
even a science teacher like Ms. Barch teaches her class what happens when
sponges come in contact with water…
Tiffany balloons! She becomes
as fat as Mrs. Johansson! She manages a few more waddles towards her podium
before she slips and literally rolls towards it!
Black-out
SCENE10
Narrator: This is a true
story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Tiffany Blum-Deckler…
A newspaper is lying on a
pizza table. A title on its’ front page says: “Stacy Rowe won the Miss USA
contest!” A pudgy hand with a wedding ring puts a coffee cup. The camera
zooms-out, and we see that the hand belongs to Tiffany, who now is fat, not
Mrs. Johansson fat, but fat all the same.
Narrator: …who used to be
wanting to be thin and a glamour model, but now is quite content to be a chubby
mother of five!
SCENE1
A darkened stage, with a
single overhead projector illuminating the cloaked figure sitting on a stool on
the stage below. The figure (the narrator) speaks in the voice resembling the
one of Jodie Landon, only slightly older:
Narrator: this is a true
story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine…
SCENE2
Brittany Taylor’s room
Narrator: Brittany Taylor was
one of the most popular girls in school. She was the head cheerleader, she
dated the QB – Kevin Thompson – may I never see him again, though – and
her father was really, really rich.
SCENE3
We see Brittany Taylor
driving with Kevin in the car. Her hair is different, it’s more of a bee-hive
than her usual pig-tails.
Narrator: And then there was
her hair. Her hair was really good-looking. You see, the school’s principal,
Ms. Li, once decided-
SCENE4
The halls of Lawndale High.
Ms. Li’s voice comes over the speakers.
Ms. Li: Due to some financial
lay-backs (we hear some barking in the background), we’ve decided to make a 1960s
fair. For the rest of the month the staff is counting on the students to be
most creative in re-creating the 60s atmosphere. The school wants to see
creation. The school wants to see action. The school wants to see cash – don’t
disappoint it!
The speaker turns off, but
not before we hear some more barking.
SCENE5
The students in the hall are
huddling and talking. We pause briefly on Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane as
they pass a bunch of cheerleaders.
Jane: Any ideas on our
behalf, amigo?
Daria: Nah, Quinn will tell
mom all about it. I just wonder if the beehive hair-dos were 70s or 60s?
The girls walk away from the
cameras, but we see the cheerleaders, all excited. The most excited one, of
course, is Brittany.
SCENE6
Narrator: And so it went. The
60s craze hit the school. (we see flashes of various Lawndale High’s staff and
students in 60s get-ups, varying from convincing to ridiculous.) But none were
hit as hard as the cheerleaders, of course! They all went too deep into this
thing! Miss Morgendorffer’s careless spark of a statement birthed forth a truly
montane flame
We see the female changing
room at Lawndale High. The cheerleaders enter, all bearing bee-hive hair-dos,
and Brittany’s looking truly the most impressive.
Angie: So Brittany, how do
you keep your hair so- so stiff and stuff?
Brittany: Ashley-Amber gave
me a really good idea – no washing it, and using cosmetics to hold it together?
Angie: Isn't it risky and
stuff?
Brittany: I'll do anything
for my Kevy! (Br) Especially keep him away from those Morgendorffer
temptresses!
Suddenly Brittany pauses, and
her usually bubbly face scrunches into one of a perfect misery.
Angie: Brittany, you okay?
Brittany: Oh yeah, it’s just
one of my really weird headaches. I've been getting them lately.
Angie: Maybe it’s because of
your hair?
Brittany: Don't be ridiculous
Angie, my hair’s just fine!
SCENE7
Narrator: And so, the
headaches continued, becoming more frequent. But Brittany learned to hide them
really, really well. And then, the big day arrived…
The camera zooms-out to the
school’s auditorium, where Ms. Li (the leading judge of the contest, we
presume), is awarding Brittany with the victor’s crown. Suddenly
Narrator: the headache
came-on stronger than ever!
Brittany makes a single
scream and keels-over.
Ms. Li: To the nurse’s office
with her now!
Mr. O’Neill: But Angela, we
don’t have a school nurse, you control the school’s medicine chest!
Ms. Li just glares and
O’Neill complies.
SCENE8
Ms. Li’s office. The Lawndale
staff is examining Brittany’s hair.
Mr. O’Neill: Angela, are you
sure of that?
Ms. Li: Stuff it Timothy, we
need to cut off her hair!
A montage of the teachers
trying to break Brittany’s hairdo, now a three-foot bee-hive. A broken scalpel,
a shattered mallet, and a discarded acetylene torch – all was in vain. Suddenly,
we hear a noise-
Mr. DeMartino: Let me try!
We see the history teacher
wield a huge chain saw.
Ms. Li: Anthony…
Mr. DeMartino: What?
Ms. Li: If you’ll break it,
it’ll come from your pay check!
Mr. DeMartino: Oh, this will
be worth it!
He swings the saw and it
slices through Brittany’s hair with ease. The cut-offs fall down onto the floor
with a clang, but we can't see because the teachers block our view, yet we
hear…
Mr. O’Neill: Mommy!
Ms. Barch: Oh my!
Mr. DeMartino: I hate those
guys
Ms. Li – just reaches for a
bunch of Raid cans, and we see the reason why, as waves and waves of small dark
spiders start to spread-out on the principal’s office’s floor and furniture and
the teachers.
Black-out
SCENE10
Narrator: For those of you
who don’t know, the advice of Brittany’s step-mother to Brittany herself, has
completely hollowed-out Brittany’s hair-do! And a spider made its’ nest in it,
before it got completely sealed-off! It was feeding off Brittany’s blood for
days and weeks! But don't worry, Brittany survived, and I, I have told you a
true tale, a tale of a friend of a friend of mine, Brittany Taylor…
We zoom-in on a Lawndale
street. Brittany Taylor is walking through it. She’s dressed in some casual clothes
for a change, and sports a very close-cut crew-cut.
… whose hair has started to
re-grow only a short while ago.
SCENE1
A darkened stage, with a
single overhead projector illuminating the cloaked figure sitting on a stool on
the stage below. The figure (the narrator) speaks in the voice that is quite
unfamiliar to the audience:
Narrator: this is a true
story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine…
SCENE2
The Morgendorffers living
room
Narrator: The Morgendorffers
were a quiet enough family – father a consultant, mother a lawyer, youngest
daughter a fashion queen, and the oldest daughter-
We see Daria enter with Trent
-brought home a boyfriend.
SCENE3
The Morgendorffers living
room. Daria is introducing Trent to Jake and Helen.
SCENE4
Helen is waiting in
Lawndale’s Hospital. Jake shows-up, looking paler than usual but otherwise
okay.
SCENE5
The Morgendorffer dinner
table. Daria enters with Trent again. This time Trent has cleaned-up somewhat,
and is wearing clothes that look like they’d be more in place on his father,
than on him.
Narrator: Originally, the
other Morgendorffers were not thrilled with their daughter’s boyfriend. But
their oldest daughter was a real brain, so she persuaded her family to give her
boyfriend one more try – at a dinner time. Unfortunately, none of them but
their youngest daughter notices that-
Quinn drops a spoon under the
table, and as reaches under the table cloth for it, her eyes widen.
Quinn: (VO) Oh gods! His damn
zipper! It’s o-
Helen: Quinn! What are you?
Stuck under there?
Quinn instantly pops backup.
Quinn: (VO) Daria will owe me
one for sure!
SCENE6
The dinner goes on. Trent,
sadly, doesn’t show a miraculous difference in manners, and eats rather…
impolitely. Suddenly, Jake’s eyes widen and he begins to rant about his father.
Now Trent’s eyes widen and he begins to wish that he could spew back the food
he ate untouched from his gut. Jake’s gestures get more and more exaggerated
until he slams his arm… right into a gravy boat, and the gravy splashes Helen,
and
Helen: JA-A-AK-K-KE-E!
Jake quickly retreats to the
kitchen, followed by Helen and Daria. Quinn turns to Trent.
Quinn: Yo, Daria’s friend!
Trent: What is it, Daria’s
sister?
Quinn: Look at your pants!
Trent looks, and his eyes
widen slightly.
Trent: Oh. Thanks.
Reaches under the table and
supposedly fixes the situation under there.
SCENE7
The Morgendorffers and Trent
continue their meal. Trent has toned-down a bit – apparently something positive
did come from Jake’s tirade. Jake looks pale and chastened, Helen glares at
him, and Quinn smirks at Daria, who looks worried (for her, at any rate).
Suddenly, the phone rings. Daria takes it.
Daria: Trent – it’s Jane.
Trent: Thanks Daria.
Trent goes to reach the phone…
and it becomes evident that when he zipped his pants, the table cloth got
caught in the zipper. Everything goes CRASH! Also needless to add, everything
that was on the table falls down on the Morgendorffers’ laps. A frozen moment,
then Trent goes haring out of there, followed by curses from the usually
refined Helen that would make a drunken sailor blush.
SCENE8
A wedding chapel, but a
rather downbeat one. The narrator speaks from underneath a bridal veil.
Narrator: Hey, this is a true
story, and it has happened to my about husband to be-
The priest: We’ve come today
to bind in the holy matrimony Trent Lane and Monique Dupri-
The picture zooms, and we get
a chance to see Jane, in a bridesmaid’s dress glaring at the other bridesmaid,
who is none other than Quinn Morgendorffer, who looks sheepish.
Black-out
SCENE1:
A darkened stage, with a
single overhead projector illuminating the cloaked figure sitting on a stool on
the stage below. The figure (the narrator) speaks in the voice resembling the
one of Daria Morgendorffer, only slightly older:
Narrator: this is a true
story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine…
SCENE2
Sandi Griffin’s room. The
clothing’s everywhere, and Sandi herself is in front of a mirror in her room
trying something on.
Narrator: (VO) Sandi Griffin
had one of the biggest wardrobes in the Lawndale High. She practically had
clothing for ever occasion…
A montage of Sandi Griffin in
various fashionable clothing in various places – the class-room, a school trip
(to MOM?), just on a date
SCENE3
Narrator: But then Quinn
Morgendorffer arrived.
The school corridors. We see
Sandi Griffin, dressed as stylishly as usual. Suddenly the school doors open,
and Quinn Morgendorffer walks-in, dressed even more stylishly than Sandi.
Narrator: From then, it was a
direct competition.
SCENE4
A montage of Sandi and Quinn,
dressed in various outfits at various occasions – from FC meetings to dates to
school days to school dances. Suddenly it stops in Lawndale High’s corridor.
Sandi is dressed in a slinky blue combo that would probably be illegal if she
was just a bit more younger (and if Ms. Li actually cared about Lawndale High’s
student code – of which there’s none). Suddenly, the door opens and in walks Quinn,
dressed in the exact same clothing that Sandi wears! Everyone stops and
looks at the two girls.
SCENE5
A Texan gun-fight scene, only
instead of Texan gunfighters, Quinn and Sandi approach each other, each looking
nothing short of pissed.
SCENE6
Back to the Lawndale High’s
corridor. Quinn and Sandi sceptically examine each other’s outfit. Suddenly
they both reach-out-
Quinn/Sandi: You’ve got a
lose thread
-and the public speaker
system turns to life.
Ms. Li: Students of Lawndale
High. The ‘Val’ magazine – Val as in one and only Val – has chosen Lawndale
High to be the one to demonstrate the fashion sense of the students! Please,
Everybody get prepared, I want that – the school got the best publicity.
Both Sandi and Quinn smirk at
each other.
SCENE8
A clothing shop. Inside,
Quinn is giving the seamstress the instructions for her dress, waving a big wad
of cash. The seamstress nods and takes the cash. Quinn leaves, and Sandi
sneaks-in, waving an even bigger wad of cash, and going towards the seamstress,
who looks like she has gone to Heaven.
SCENE9
The same clothing shop, only
the date on its’ wall calendar is different, though we can't distinguish what
is it exactly. Sandi comes in, and gets a beautiful red dress in a safety
package. She smiles and leaves. Quinn comes in a moment later, and receives the
same dress. She also smiles and leaves.
SCENE10
The school’s cafeteria, now
re-made into the podium. Quinn and Sandi enter from two different doors, and
each one has a heavy coat covering each other’s dress. Slowly, they stand before
each other and take-off their coats – showing their identical red dresses. The
audience freezes.
Quinn/Sandi. Nice dress. Too
bad that it got a loose thread.
Each of the girls rips a
thread out from the other’s dress and-
SCENE11
We're in a very familiar
room. The camera doesn’t linger on the whole picture though, but zooms on the
TV set, that announces-
TV announcer: Naked Fashion
Envy in High Schools – next on Sick Sad World!
Picture of naked Quinn and
Sandi, appropriately covered by the SSW appear on the TV next, with bundles of
red clothing lying at their feet. We zoom-out.
Narrator: (VO) Hey, it’s a
true story, it happened to two friends of a friend of mine, Quinn Morgendorffer
and Sandi Griffin-
We zoom outside and see Quinn
and Sandi, dressed in working clothing play ball in the Morgendorffers’
backyard
Narrator: - who have
abandoned and forgotten all ideas and ideals of theirs about being fashionable
all together!