Freaky Tales From Fashion Club

Short summary:


Four short scripts about events that could happen in Lawndale. Please don’t take them seriously.


Daria (and associated characters and locations) is copyright © 1997-2000 MTV Networks.


This story is copyright © 2002 by Bacner ( and has been written for personal enjoyment. No infringement of the above rights is intended.

Freaky Tales from Fashion Club


Tale 1 – The Diet Pills



A darkened stage, with a single overhead projector illuminating the cloaked figure sitting on a stool on the stage below. The figure (the narrator) speaks in the voice resembling the one of Stacy Rowe, only slightly older:


Narrator: this is a true story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine…



Tiffany Blum-Deckler’s room, the narrator’s voice comes from the scene.


Narrator: Now when I was in school I was the victor of a Miss Delaware contest, and my grandmother won the crown of Miss Maryland, and I hope that my daughter will be the victor of Miss Massachusetts, but that Tiffany Blum-Deckler girl was a whole other story. She exercised day and night and stooped to every dirty trick in the book to win the Miss USA title – talk about an overachiever!


(Flashes of Tiffany exercising in a gym, of Tiffany pinching another girl to win one contest, of Tiffany sabotaging the dress of another girl in another contest, etc)


Narrator: But Tiffany’s most prominent idiocy was her diet.



Tiffany’s eating. She’s having exactly two peas on her plate, and she’s slicing them into thin slices (duh) so that she could enjoy them.



Tiffany is looming over a submarine sandwich, but she doesn’t eat it, just inhales the aroma.


Narrator: If you’d ask me, or any of her friends, that girl’s figure was just fine, but did she listen – no! She was going to win that Miss Boston contest no matter what!!



Tiffany is looking frantic, looking through the magazines for any diet tips.


Narrator: So, the silly bint goes through medical magazines for better diets, and what does she find, but Dr. Shar’s pills for growing thin?!



Tiffany is on the phone.


Tiffany: Hel-lo-o? Dr. Shar-r?.. It’s Tiffany Blum-Deckler… Want me to spell my name?.. Oh-h, you’ve got it written down by now?.. You sure-e you want to make an exception of me-e?.. Well-l, I want to buy-y your diet pills-s?.. You have them ready-y already-y?.. Cool-l!.. When can I get them-m?.. You’ll deliver-r?.. Bye then!..”



Tiffany is on the couch, swallowing the pills as sunflower seeds, one-by-one


Narrator: And so the silly girl got the pills. Now the pills were supposed to take off one pound a day, because you were supposed to take only one pill and only before a meal, and have a drink only after a meal, but this is Tiffany, people! She ate them constantly, for breakfast, lunch and dinner, and – for once – didn’t refrain from eating real food either. But she drunk very sparingly, very, very sparingly…



Tiffany is sitting in the back wings of the contest’s podium. She’s looking miserable (for her anyways). One girl – we don't see her face – offers her water – but Tiffany refuses.


Narrator: And so, the contest came, and Tiffany won. But her joy was slightly ruined by the fact that her mouth seemed to be located in the Mojave Desert, and then there was-



Tiffany is standing before the podium, smiling, when she… hiccups. Directly Into the microphone.


Tiffany: Oops.


The contest’s presenter offers Tiffany a glass of water but she shakes her head, and begins her triumphant walk across to the arena with the prizes. And guess what? One of those prizes is a fully-loaded… water cooler. Tiffany’s self-control snaps, and she empties the whole thing. And then-


Narrator: Now for those of you who don’t like reading the newspapers, I guess I have to tell you that Dr. Shar’s diet pills were not really pills but miniature sponges, and I think that even a science teacher like Ms. Barch teaches her class what happens when sponges come in contact with water…


Tiffany balloons! She becomes as fat as Mrs. Johansson! She manages a few more waddles towards her podium before she slips and literally rolls towards it!






Narrator: This is a true story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine, Tiffany Blum-Deckler…


A newspaper is lying on a pizza table. A title on its’ front page says: “Stacy Rowe won the Miss USA contest!” A pudgy hand with a wedding ring puts a coffee cup. The camera zooms-out, and we see that the hand belongs to Tiffany, who now is fat, not Mrs. Johansson fat, but fat all the same.


Narrator: …who used to be wanting to be thin and a glamour model, but now is quite content to be a chubby mother of five!


Tale 2 – The Big Hair



A darkened stage, with a single overhead projector illuminating the cloaked figure sitting on a stool on the stage below. The figure (the narrator) speaks in the voice resembling the one of Jodie Landon, only slightly older:


Narrator: this is a true story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine…



Brittany Taylor’s room


Narrator: Brittany Taylor was one of the most popular girls in school. She was the head cheerleader, she dated the QB – Kevin Thompson – may I never see him again, though – and her father was really, really rich.



We see Brittany Taylor driving with Kevin in the car. Her hair is different, it’s more of a bee-hive than her usual pig-tails.


Narrator: And then there was her hair. Her hair was really good-looking. You see, the school’s principal, Ms. Li, once decided-



The halls of Lawndale High. Ms. Li’s voice comes over the speakers.


Ms. Li: Due to some financial lay-backs (we hear some barking in the background), we’ve decided to make a 1960s fair. For the rest of the month the staff is counting on the students to be most creative in re-creating the 60s atmosphere. The school wants to see creation. The school wants to see action. The school wants to see cash – don’t disappoint it!


The speaker turns off, but not before we hear some more barking.



The students in the hall are huddling and talking. We pause briefly on Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane as they pass a bunch of cheerleaders.


Jane: Any ideas on our behalf, amigo?

Daria: Nah, Quinn will tell mom all about it. I just wonder if the beehive hair-dos were 70s or 60s?


The girls walk away from the cameras, but we see the cheerleaders, all excited. The most excited one, of course, is Brittany.




Narrator: And so it went. The 60s craze hit the school. (we see flashes of various Lawndale High’s staff and students in 60s get-ups, varying from convincing to ridiculous.) But none were hit as hard as the cheerleaders, of course! They all went too deep into this thing! Miss Morgendorffer’s careless spark of a statement birthed forth a truly montane flame


We see the female changing room at Lawndale High. The cheerleaders enter, all bearing bee-hive hair-dos, and Brittany’s looking truly the most impressive.


Angie: So Brittany, how do you keep your hair so- so stiff and stuff?

Brittany: Ashley-Amber gave me a really good idea – no washing it, and using cosmetics to hold it together?

Angie: Isn't it risky and stuff?

Brittany: I'll do anything for my Kevy! (Br) Especially keep him away from those Morgendorffer temptresses!


Suddenly Brittany pauses, and her usually bubbly face scrunches into one of a perfect misery.


Angie: Brittany, you okay?

Brittany: Oh yeah, it’s just one of my really weird headaches. I've been getting them lately.

Angie: Maybe it’s because of your hair?

Brittany: Don't be ridiculous Angie, my hair’s just fine!




Narrator: And so, the headaches continued, becoming more frequent. But Brittany learned to hide them really, really well. And then, the big day arrived…


The camera zooms-out to the school’s auditorium, where Ms. Li (the leading judge of the contest, we presume), is awarding Brittany with the victor’s crown. Suddenly


Narrator: the headache came-on stronger than ever!


Brittany makes a single scream and keels-over.


Ms. Li: To the nurse’s office with her now!

Mr. O’Neill: But Angela, we don’t have a school nurse, you control the school’s medicine chest!


Ms. Li just glares and O’Neill complies.



Ms. Li’s office. The Lawndale staff is examining Brittany’s hair.


Mr. O’Neill: Angela, are you sure of that?

Ms. Li: Stuff it Timothy, we need to cut off her hair!


A montage of the teachers trying to break Brittany’s hairdo, now a three-foot bee-hive. A broken scalpel, a shattered mallet, and a discarded acetylene torch – all was in vain. Suddenly, we hear a noise-


Mr. DeMartino: Let me try!


We see the history teacher wield a huge chain saw.


Ms. Li: Anthony…

Mr. DeMartino: What?

Ms. Li: If you’ll break it, it’ll come from your pay check!

Mr. DeMartino: Oh, this will be worth it!


He swings the saw and it slices through Brittany’s hair with ease. The cut-offs fall down onto the floor with a clang, but we can't see because the teachers block our view, yet we hear…


Mr. O’Neill: Mommy!

Ms. Barch: Oh my!

Mr. DeMartino: I hate those guys

Ms. Li – just reaches for a bunch of Raid cans, and we see the reason why, as waves and waves of small dark spiders start to spread-out on the principal’s office’s floor and furniture and the teachers.






Narrator: For those of you who don’t know, the advice of Brittany’s step-mother to Brittany herself, has completely hollowed-out Brittany’s hair-do! And a spider made its’ nest in it, before it got completely sealed-off! It was feeding off Brittany’s blood for days and weeks! But don't worry, Brittany survived, and I, I have told you a true tale, a tale of a friend of a friend of mine, Brittany Taylor…


We zoom-in on a Lawndale street. Brittany Taylor is walking through it. She’s dressed in some casual clothes for a change, and sports a very close-cut crew-cut.


… whose hair has started to re-grow only a short while ago.


Tale 3 – A Failed Courtship



A darkened stage, with a single overhead projector illuminating the cloaked figure sitting on a stool on the stage below. The figure (the narrator) speaks in the voice that is quite unfamiliar to the audience:


Narrator: this is a true story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine…



The Morgendorffers living room


Narrator: The Morgendorffers were a quiet enough family – father a consultant, mother a lawyer, youngest daughter a fashion queen, and the oldest daughter-


We see Daria enter with Trent


-brought home a boyfriend.



The Morgendorffers living room. Daria is introducing Trent to Jake and Helen.



Helen is waiting in Lawndale’s Hospital. Jake shows-up, looking paler than usual but otherwise okay.



The Morgendorffer dinner table. Daria enters with Trent again. This time Trent has cleaned-up somewhat, and is wearing clothes that look like they’d be more in place on his father, than on him.


Narrator: Originally, the other Morgendorffers were not thrilled with their daughter’s boyfriend. But their oldest daughter was a real brain, so she persuaded her family to give her boyfriend one more try – at a dinner time. Unfortunately, none of them but their youngest daughter notices that-


Quinn drops a spoon under the table, and as reaches under the table cloth for it, her eyes widen.


Quinn: (VO) Oh gods! His damn zipper! It’s o-

Helen: Quinn! What are you? Stuck under there?


Quinn instantly pops backup.


Quinn: (VO) Daria will owe me one for sure!



The dinner goes on. Trent, sadly, doesn’t show a miraculous difference in manners, and eats rather… impolitely. Suddenly, Jake’s eyes widen and he begins to rant about his father. Now Trent’s eyes widen and he begins to wish that he could spew back the food he ate untouched from his gut. Jake’s gestures get more and more exaggerated until he slams his arm… right into a gravy boat, and the gravy splashes Helen, and


Helen: JA-A-AK-K-KE-E!


Jake quickly retreats to the kitchen, followed by Helen and Daria. Quinn turns to Trent.


Quinn: Yo, Daria’s friend!

Trent: What is it, Daria’s sister?

Quinn: Look at your pants!


Trent looks, and his eyes widen slightly.


Trent: Oh. Thanks.


Reaches under the table and supposedly fixes the situation under there.



The Morgendorffers and Trent continue their meal. Trent has toned-down a bit – apparently something positive did come from Jake’s tirade. Jake looks pale and chastened, Helen glares at him, and Quinn smirks at Daria, who looks worried (for her, at any rate). Suddenly, the phone rings. Daria takes it.


Daria: Trent – it’s Jane.

Trent: Thanks Daria.


Trent goes to reach the phone… and it becomes evident that when he zipped his pants, the table cloth got caught in the zipper. Everything goes CRASH! Also needless to add, everything that was on the table falls down on the Morgendorffers’ laps. A frozen moment, then Trent goes haring out of there, followed by curses from the usually refined Helen that would make a drunken sailor blush.



A wedding chapel, but a rather downbeat one. The narrator speaks from underneath a bridal veil.


Narrator: Hey, this is a true story, and it has happened to my about husband to be-


The priest: We’ve come today to bind in the holy matrimony Trent Lane and Monique Dupri-


The picture zooms, and we get a chance to see Jane, in a bridesmaid’s dress glaring at the other bridesmaid, who is none other than Quinn Morgendorffer, who looks sheepish.




Tale 4 – The Final Fashion Show-down



A darkened stage, with a single overhead projector illuminating the cloaked figure sitting on a stool on the stage below. The figure (the narrator) speaks in the voice resembling the one of Daria Morgendorffer, only slightly older:


Narrator: this is a true story, it happened to a friend of a friend of mine…



Sandi Griffin’s room. The clothing’s everywhere, and Sandi herself is in front of a mirror in her room trying something on.


Narrator: (VO) Sandi Griffin had one of the biggest wardrobes in the Lawndale High. She practically had clothing for ever occasion…


A montage of Sandi Griffin in various fashionable clothing in various places – the class-room, a school trip (to MOM?), just on a date




Narrator: But then Quinn Morgendorffer arrived.


The school corridors. We see Sandi Griffin, dressed as stylishly as usual. Suddenly the school doors open, and Quinn Morgendorffer walks-in, dressed even more stylishly than Sandi.


Narrator: From then, it was a direct competition.



A montage of Sandi and Quinn, dressed in various outfits at various occasions – from FC meetings to dates to school days to school dances. Suddenly it stops in Lawndale High’s corridor. Sandi is dressed in a slinky blue combo that would probably be illegal if she was just a bit more younger (and if Ms. Li actually cared about Lawndale High’s student code – of which there’s none). Suddenly, the door opens and in walks Quinn, dressed in the exact same clothing that Sandi wears! Everyone stops and looks at the two girls.



A Texan gun-fight scene, only instead of Texan gunfighters, Quinn and Sandi approach each other, each looking nothing short of pissed.



Back to the Lawndale High’s corridor. Quinn and Sandi sceptically examine each other’s outfit. Suddenly they both reach-out-


Quinn/Sandi: You’ve got a lose thread


-and the public speaker system turns to life.


Ms. Li: Students of Lawndale High. The ‘Val’ magazine – Val as in one and only Val – has chosen Lawndale High to be the one to demonstrate the fashion sense of the students! Please, Everybody get prepared, I want that – the school got the best publicity.


Both Sandi and Quinn smirk at each other.



A clothing shop. Inside, Quinn is giving the seamstress the instructions for her dress, waving a big wad of cash. The seamstress nods and takes the cash. Quinn leaves, and Sandi sneaks-in, waving an even bigger wad of cash, and going towards the seamstress, who looks like she has gone to Heaven.



The same clothing shop, only the date on its’ wall calendar is different, though we can't distinguish what is it exactly. Sandi comes in, and gets a beautiful red dress in a safety package. She smiles and leaves. Quinn comes in a moment later, and receives the same dress. She also smiles and leaves.



The school’s cafeteria, now re-made into the podium. Quinn and Sandi enter from two different doors, and each one has a heavy coat covering each other’s dress. Slowly, they stand before each other and take-off their coats – showing their identical red dresses. The audience freezes.


Quinn/Sandi. Nice dress. Too bad that it got a loose thread.


Each of the girls rips a thread out from the other’s dress and-



We're in a very familiar room. The camera doesn’t linger on the whole picture though, but zooms on the TV set, that announces-


TV announcer: Naked Fashion Envy in High Schools – next on Sick Sad World!


Picture of naked Quinn and Sandi, appropriately covered by the SSW appear on the TV next, with bundles of red clothing lying at their feet. We zoom-out.


Narrator: (VO) Hey, it’s a true story, it happened to two friends of a friend of mine, Quinn Morgendorffer and Sandi Griffin-


We zoom outside and see Quinn and Sandi, dressed in working clothing play ball in the Morgendorffers’ backyard


Narrator: - who have abandoned and forgotten all ideas and ideals of theirs about being fashionable all together!