Fixing Dad
By Thomas

Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(Outside a big resort. The sign says "Sedimentary Springs. Cucumber, Spa and Mud Treatments")

(Inside a big suite. The Morgendorffer's enter)

Jake: Ta-da. So what do you think of your dad now? It's all ours, the whole weekend.

Helen: It's lovely, Jake.

Daria: Jake is your dad?

Quinn: It's fantastic. (hugs Jake) I love you, dad.

Jake: Let me see how much I can spare. (reaches for his wallet)

Helen: Jake! Quinn is expressing her gratitude. Not asking for money.

Daria: Her asking for money routine is when she rolls on the floor kicking and screaming.

(Quinn sends Daria a dirty look)

Jake: What do you think, Daria?

Daria: It's okay. You did a great job, dad.

Jake: (lightens up) You really think so?

Daria: Absolutely. This place is so big that there should be no risk of us running into each other while we're here.

Helen: That's what you think, young lady. I'm having a mudbath and you and Quinn are joining me. It's not every day I have the option to get a beauty treatment with you two.

Quinn: (fake disbelief) Daria getting a beauty treatment. Could this be... "The Twilight Zone"?

(Daria looks annoyed at Quinn)

Jake: You mean like that episode with the swamp monster that crawls out of the mud and...

Helen: Jake. It's time for your massage. And girls. No mud fight.

Daria: Damn.

(At the masseur. Jake comes in. The masseur is standing at the sink)

Jake: Is this where you get a massage?

(The masseur turns to face him. It's Sameer (1))

Sameer: Jake?

Jake: Sameer?

(Helen, Daria and Quinn are sitting in one of the pools up to the neck in mud. Daria isn't wearing her glasses. Helen has closed her eyes)

Quinn: ... then Sandi started talking about this "new" boy band "New Kids on the Block". Only it turned out that the magazine she read about them in was like 15 years old. You should have seen her face. She could have won a blushing contest right there.

Helen: That's nice, dear.

Daria: But how did she end up with an old magazine in the first place? It makes you think that someone set her up.

Quinn: It wasn't me.

Daria: Come on. Who could it be other than you?

Quinn: Gee Daria, do I look like Sherlock Spillane?

Daria: Mom, do I have to listen to this?

Helen: (not really listening) Yes I think so to.

Daria: And once more it's seen that the line between nurturing and neglect is very fine indeed.

Quinn: You're always so negative, Daria. I think it's great of dad to take us here for the weekend. Don't you know bonding when you see it?

Daria: Oh yes. You haven't bonded with your family until you're forced to crawl around in the mud with them. You can pour sugar on a turd, but it's still a turd.

Quinn: Eeeew. Can't you go somewhere else and be negative?

Daria: For once you came up with a good idea.

(Daria crawls out of the mud and walks over to a woman who is about to get into another pool)

Quinn: Oh boy. Here we go again. (crawls out of the mud)

(Cut to Daria)

Daria: Excuse me?

Woman: Yes?

Daria: I was wondering. Have you got any treatments that involve isolation?

Woman: Why are you asking me? I don't work here.

(Daria's face turns red. Quinn walks up behind her)

Quinn: You have to forgive my sister. She's blind you see.

Woman: Oh how sad.

Daria: I'm not blind!

Quinn: I know you just don't see very well without your glasses. (takes Daria's hand) Let me find you an assistant.

(Sameer is giving Jake a massage)

Sameer: First let me rub some cucumber oil on your back.

Jake: Cucumber oil?

Sameer: Jake. I just work here. I'm not about to rock the boat.

Jake: Why are you working here? It's not a secret identity thingy?

Sameer: You mean you haven't heard? went bankrupt last month. Without warning. One morning we showed up for work and couldn't get in. Some of us snuck in through a fire escape. I tell you, it was all gone. The creditors had taken everything during the night. Computers, furniture, even the telephones were gone.

Jake: So that's why Noah didn't return my call.

Sameer: But that wasn't the worst. Because that was when realization set in.

Jake: That you were out of a job?

Sameer: Screw the job. No man, that my stock was worthless.

(Daria is lying on a table in an otherwise empty room. She has been wrapped in a blanket. An assistant is placing cucumber slices on her eyelids)

Daria: I can't see anything. Are you sure you got the right prescription?

Assistant: (laughs nervously) When shall I come back to unwrap you?

Daria: In time for dinner.

Assistant: But that's in 5 hours.

Daria: Is that a problem?

Assistant: No. Then I'll leave you now. (leaves)

Daria: (voiceover) Lets see. I can't move a muscle, but that okay since I'm not planning on going anywhere. I'm warm, comfortable and completely alone. I wonder. Could this be... Heaven?

(The mudbath. Helen and Quinn's pool)

Quinn: ... then Stacy started hyper ventilating again. Which I really think she should stop doing since this wasn't the first time a date dumps her for thinking she has asthma.

Helen: (half awake) That's nice dear.

Quinn: Mu-oom. You're not listening to me.

(Cut to the next pool where the woman from before is sitting. She looks annoyed at Quinn. The assistant walks by)

Woman: Hey you.

Assistant: Yes Ms.?

Woman: Could you by any chance get that one-girl chatterbox to shut up. I can't relax in this noise.

Assistant: Now we all have to be here. And it's not like...

Woman: There is 50 dollars in it for you.

Assistant: Leave it to me. I know just what to do with her.

(Helen and Quinn's pool)

Quinn: ... I mean "Lend a Fashionable Hand to Ethiopia" was a great show and all. But did they have to show those starving people? Now Tiffany's got it in her mind that she's too fat again.

Helen: (sleepy) I'm glad to hear that.

Quinn: Mu-ooom!

(The assistant walks over to Quinn)

Assistant: Miss?

Quinn: Yes?

Assistant: I was wondering. Would you be interested in an exclusive treatment?

Quinn: (smiles) Did you say "exclusive"?

(At the masseur)

Sameer: I remember when Noah let you go, and how I felt sorry for you. First you miss the IPO and then you lose your job. Even if he did keep you as a consultant.

Jake: Yeah. Stinking IPO's. I'm always too late.

Sameer: But as it turned out you were the lucky one. You got out in time. I lost everything I owned. (sigh) I suppose I should feel philosophical about it. I mean, what did I expect? I was working for a company, and I didn't even know what we were doing. At the time I thought Noah was some kind of messiah. Turns out he was just some guy with weird ideas. (raises a fist at the sky, angry) I hate you Noah, I wish you were dead.

Jake: Um. My massage?

Sameer: Oh right, sorry.

(Athens in ancient Greece. Daria is walking down a street with Socrates and Plato)

Socrates: But the overriding problem is to get qualified people, Plato. Just because you're a philosopher doesn't mean you're qualified to a government.

Plato: No, but I'm saying that the rulers should be philosophers. I realize that our present government with an oligarchy of 30 tyrants isn't ideal. But an oligarchy of philosophers could create the perfect society.

Daria: But you're assuming that being a philosopher means you wouldn't act in your own interest. I see no proof of that. One could even argue that the reason you want such governments to exist is because you yourself hope to rule someday.

Socrates: Very clever, Daria. Our young friend is on to something. Why should we believe that your ideas for a better society are anything other than a cover for obtaining power?

Plato: True. But that doesn't mean you can't plan for something better than democracy. You can't argue that a philosopher wouldn't be better than a politician. Or isn't Demosthenes the one who got us into all this mess?

Daria: And a philosopher wouldn't start a war?

(Quinn walks over to them)

Daria: (surprised) Quinn? What're you doing in Athens?

Quinn: There you are, Daria. Mom sent me to find you. You know you're not supposed to hang around Socrates when dad says he wants to overturn religion and corrupt the youth, although in your case I guess it's too late to worry about that. Anyhow I just got tickets to the theater, it's a play by Anaxagoras. But I don't want to go. So can you please buy them of me?

Daria: Now I get it. This is a dream. Or since you're in it, a nightmare.

(The room. Daria and Quinn, also wrapped in a blanket, are lying on the table. Daria who had fallen asleep, wakes up)

Quinn: ... I don't see how this can be exclusive when you're here. Not that I'm saying it's not okay for you to be here of course. Anyhow you won't believe who I saw at Cashman's yesterday...

Daria: Oh no! It's not a dream. You're really here. This isn't heaven. This is hell. AAAAAAAH!

(The pool. Helen is sitting by herself. She opens her eyes and looks around. She waves at the assistant)

Assistant: (walks over to Helen) Can I help you?

Helen: Did you see where my daughters went to?

Assistant: I put them in isolation... I mean, gave them an isolated treatment. They'll be back in time for dinner. Can I get you anything? Cucumber water drink?

Helen: (closes her eyes) That's nice dear.

(At the masseur)

Sameer: So now I'm working here. At least until I finalize declaring personal bankruptcy. Turns out the guy who runs this place, Alan Greenberg, is even crazier than Noah. He keeps coming up with these completely weird ideas. Like "mud bags".

Jake: Actually that was my idea.

Sameer: Your idea?

(The room)

Daria: Look. I know you don't talk with yourself. I also know that you spend some of your time on your own. So I know that you are indeed capable of keeping your mouth shut for at least a few hours at a time.

Quinn: Yeah. So?

Daria: So why can't you keep your mouth shut now? I want to get back to sleep. I was dreaming of Socrates.

Quinn: You were dreaming of who? Gee, Daria. Is there anything about you that isn't geekish?

Daria: That's it. When I get out of this blanket, you're taking a mudbath face down.

Quinn: Knock it of will you? You can't expect me to keep quiet when I'm not alone.

Daria: (sigh) I suppose I can't argue with that.

Quinn: Now it's your turn to tell me something.

Daria: Excuse me?

Quinn: Share a secret with me. That's what girls do together when they get beauty treatments. If you ever went to a hairdresser you'd know that.

Daria: But how can something be a secret if you tell it in front of a hairdresser?

Quinn: Must you be so technical about everything?

Daria: Share a secret. Okay. Let me see. When I was eleven I caught a spider and hid it in the lasagne. You were the one who ate it.


Daria: (smirk) I think I could get used to this.

(At the masseur)

Jake: So then I said to your boss, why not let people take some mud home with them. Like in restaurants you have doggie bags, except here you call it a "mud bag". I tell you. He not only loved my idea. He also invited me and my wife and kids to spend the weekend here. Gave us a whole suite too.

Sameer: You wouldn't happen to know anything about the pink uniforms he tried to get us to wear last week.

Jake: Yeah. That was my idea too. I mean what was the idea of having staff when the customers can't find them. That way they're much easier to see.

Sameer: (frowns) Don't be scared of the sound.

Jake: What sound?

(Sameer runs his hands across Jake's spine. A crunching sound is heard)


(The restaurant. The Morgendorffer's are sitting around a table)

Quinn: (reading the menu) Cucumber loaf, roasted cucumber... Eeeew! Cucumber ice cream?!

Helen: (stretches) Mmmmm. There is something about a mud bath that gets you all relaxed.

Daria: That must be why the pigs do it all the time.

Jake: I don't feel relaxed. My back hurts. That masseur was really brutal. Like he had a grudge against me.

Helen: Don't be silly Jake. (to Daria and Quinn) How was your day girls? The assistant told me you got an isolated treatment.

Daria: Not as isolated as I'd hoped for. But it wasn't a total waste. I finally found a way to get Quinn to shut up.

Quinn: (sends Daria a dirty look then smirk) Socrates, Socrates, Socrates.

(Daria fumes, Helen sighs)

(A waiter walks by. Jake waves at him, but the waiter sends him a hateful stare and keeps walking)

Jake: Gaa Dammit, why cant we get a waiter? We've been waiting for 30 minutes.

Daria: Um dad. Did you by any chance tell anyone why we're here?

Jake: Only the masseur. Why?

Helen: Did you mention the pink uniforms?

Quinn: We'll never get anything to eat will we?

Daria: If not we should consider ourselves lucky. Ever seen "Fight Club"?

(Cut to the entrance where two waiters are standing. An elderly man comes in. He's wearing a white pajamas and has a disturbed look in his eyes)

Waiter 1: (surprised) That was fast. We only had the boss committed yesterday. How come they released him so soon?

Waiter 2: I'm not so sure about the "release" part.

(Cut to the Morgendorffer's table)

Jake: Hey look. It's Alan Greenberg. The guy who runs this place.

Quinn: Why is he wearing a pajamas?

Daria: Who said you can't eat in a pajamas? We have Pajama Parties. Why not a pajama dinner?

Jake: Hey that's a great idea, kiddo.

(Daria sighs)

Helen: He's coming over here.

(Alan walks over to their table)

Jake: Hey, Alan. Great to see you. My daughter here just had an idea. Pajama dinners. What do you say?

Alan: Sounds great, Jake. But listen. You have to help me. There are some people after me.

Quinn: I'm not surprised. (smirk) Some girls only care about how much money a guy have.

Daria: (irritated) As opposed to those who only care about how popular he is.

(Quinn fumes)

Helen: No fighting at dinner. (to Alan) I'm supposed to be on vacation. But I guess I can manage getting you a restraining order. By the way. Could you please get us a waiter?

(Two largish men wearing white coats walk over to Alan)

Man1: Mr. Greenberg. You shouldn't have run off like that, you have an appointment with the doctor.

Man2: It's not nice to keep him waiting.

Alan: But you have got to listen to me. This is the guy I've been telling you about. (points at Jake) Jake Morgendorffer. He's the one who's been giving me all my ideas.

Man 1: (looks at Jake) Shall we take him to?

Man 2: I'd rather not. There isn't enough room in the car.

(The two men drag off with Alan. Jake stares crestfallen after them)

(The suite. It's night. A figure sneaks through the main room. It walks over to the refrigerator and opens it. As the light from the refrigerator comes on it's seen that it's Quinn wearing pajamas. She takes a cola and a bottle of rum from the mini bar and pours their contents into a glass)

(The main lights come on)

Quinn: Eeep!

(Cut to Daria who is standing at the door with a glass in her right hand. She's also wearing pajamas)

Daria: And what have we here? It's the midnight alcoholic. Wait till mom and dad hears of this.

Quinn: (scared) Daria please. I'll do anything. I'll... (looks at the table where a bottle of soda and a bottle of whiskey, both empty, are standing) What's that you're drinking?

Daria: This? It's different for me. I'm a writer. I'm supposed to drink whiskey.

Quinn: Oh ha ha. (pause) Truce?

Daria: (beat) Truce. (sigh) I made up the story about the spider.

Quinn: (relieved) Thought so. (beat) I didn't mean to make fun of your dreams. I guess it's okay to dream of Socrates when you're a geek.

Daria: I'll take that in the spirit it was said. Buffy?

(Quinn's face lightens up)

(Daria and Quinn walk over to the TV. They find Jake who has fallen asleep on the couch. A whiskey bottle, not from the mini bar, is standing on the floor)

Quinn: Eeep!

Daria: I know what you mean. Dad isn't even a writer. (sits on the other couch and turns the TV on)

Quinn: What're you doing? We have to get out of here.

Daria: I don't think dad will come around anytime soon. Besides I didn't get to see this episode. I've been waiting for it to come on air again.

Quinn: (sits next to Daria) I just think it's spooky to sit here with dad lying around.

Daria: Why? It didn't seem to bother you when the babysitter died on us back when we were little (2).

Quinn: I didn't realize she was dead!

Daria: Funny. I would have thought that me getting dad's camera and taking pictures of her would have been a giveaway.

Quinn: (pause) You know. I missed a good opportunity to get rid of you at dinner.

Daria: If I go down I'm taking you with me.

Quinn: You think dad...

Daria: Afraid so. It's not every day one of his clients gets sent to the funny farm for taking his advice. He'll be depressed for at least a week. Ahh here we go.

TV Willow: Are you okay Giles?

TV Giles: No. My back hurts.

TV Willow: I can do a spell to cure you.

TV Giles: Okay. Just be careful not to turn me into a monster.

TV Willow: I promise.

Quinn: Don't they ever get any smarter?

Daria: (voiceover) So many come comebacks, so many.

(The Morgendorffer's are driving home. Helen is steering. Jake is riding shotgun. He looks depressed)

Helen: It was wonderful, Jake. I'm so relaxed, I feel like I could work a whole week.

Daria: So how do you manage to do that when you don't feel relaxed?

Helen: Don't you think the staff was being rude to us the second day? They're lucky I'm in a good mood or I'd sue their pants off.

Quinn: They were being real friendly towards me. I guess they felt sorry for me.

(Jake starts crying. Daria hits Quinn on the shoulder)

Quinn: Ouch!

Helen: Now, Jake. You shouldn't let what happened with Alan get to you. My clients get sent to jail all the time. But do I let that bother me?

Daria: But your clients...

Helen: Before you finish what I'm sure is an insightful, if yet extremely sarcastic, comment, Daria, I want you to consider who is going to pay for your way through college.

Daria: (beat) You are, mom.

(Jake cries even harder)

Daria: Um. I mean you and dad are.

(Quinn hits Daria on the shoulder)

Daria: Ouch!

(Morgendorffer's house. It's night. Daria enters the kitchen)

Daria: (voiceover) And now for something without cucumber in it. An omelet, pancakes with ice cream, chocolate cake with whipped cream. Come to think of it. Why don't I end up like Sandi did? (3)

(The livingroom. Daria talks over to the TV with her food. She finds Jake who has fallen asleep on the couch. A whiskey bottle is standing on the table)

Daria: (nervous) Dad?

(At breakfast. Jake isn't there)

Quinn: Where's dad?

Daria: We forgot him at the resort.

Helen: Um. Your dad is in bed. He's feeling a bit exhausted right now.

(Uncomfortable silence)

Quinn: I better go. (leaves)

Helen: I was wondering. Could you try and cheer your dad up a little.

Daria: What're you asking me for?

Helen: I noticed that you often know just what to say to people. Like when you got Ruth to leave (4).

Daria: You want me to get dad to leave?

Helen: Daria. You know what I mean.

Daria: (beat) I know. But I can't think of anything right now.

(Daria and Quinn are walking to school)

Daria: You're looking awful today. You're not sick are you, Jane?

Quinn: Oh ha ha. Look I was wondering if you could get dad to feel better.

Daria: Excuse me?

Quinn: You know. Like when you helped me get over David (5). Just tell him that he's a great, whatever he is.

Daria: But that would be lying.

Quinn: So what? What's important isn't whether you tell the truth or not, but if people believe in you.

Daria: But the reason people believe me is that I'm know for telling the truth. That's why everyone avoids me. You want me to talk to dad because you know he wouldn't believe you, were you to tell him he is great at what he does. But if he got the idea I was lying I would only make him more depressed, and I wouldn't be able to help him in the future.

Quinn: Daria. You're making my head hurt.

Daria: And if you leave now. I won't be tempted to use a rock to follow up on my success.

(Jane and Daria are walking home from school)

Jane: You look depressed.

Daria: As opposed to how do I usually look?

Jane: Can't you just cheer your dad up a little. You're good at that.

Daria: (beat) What do you mean?

Jane: Like when Tommy Sherman died (6). I was feeling down, and you helped me get over it.

Daria: (annoyed) You know. I don't think I'm in the mood for pizza today. I'm going over to Tom instead. (walks away)

Jane: What did I say?

(Sloane TV-room. Tom and Daria are watching TV. Daria is lying on the couch with her boots resting on Tom's lap)

TV: Could your old drill sergeant come back to haunt you? The ghost in the cantine. Next on Sick Sad World.

Tom: Would you mind if I asked you to turn the other way, or at least take your boots of?

Daria: Mmmm.

Tom: Lets play 20 questions.

Daria: I can't remember the rules.

Tom: Nice try. Is it something I did?

Daria: No.

Tom: Is it something Quinn did?

Daria: It's always something she did. But she isn't the main reason this time.

Tom: Your mom?

Daria: No.

Tom: Ms. Li?

Daria: It's my dad. He started drinking.

Tom: But that's awful. How long has it been going on?

Daria: Two days.

Tom: (pause) And you don't think you might be jumping to conclusions here. Shouldn't you try to wait and see?

Daria: So you're not going to ask me to fix it?

Tom: Why would I do that?

Daria: I have a reputation for being able to help people feel better about themselves.

Tom: Jane did mention that. But I've never seen you in action.

Daria: This time my dad's got it in his head that he's a bad consultant. To get him to feel better I would have to convince him that's not the case. Problem is that is the case. And I would be lying to tell him otherwise.

Tom: And you'd rather see him die of a failed liver than violate your principles and tell him something you don't mean. (shrugs) Fair enough.

Daria: I'm glad you see it my way.

Tom: Of course there may be some other way to help your dad. Something that wouldn't involve violating your principles.

Daria: How?

Tom: Don't ask me. He's your dad. Now about your boots.

Daria: I suppose I could turn the other way.

(Morgendorffer kitchen. Quinn is sitting at the table reading a book. The title says "Teach Yourself Psychotherapy in 21 Days")

Quinn: (voiceover) This looks really easy. I'll show Daria she isn't the only one who can do this.

(Jake, looking haggard, enters)

Quinn: Dad can I talk with you?

Jake: (mumbles) I don't have my wallet on me.

Quinn: Daaaad. I want to communicate. You can get your wallet later.

Jake: Um okay. (sits at the table)

Quinn: Now tell me about your Oedipal complex.

Jake: Who?

Quinn: I mean... (flips trough the book, reads) Why do you want to kill your dad and marry your mom?

Jake: (pause, beat) You're making fun of me aren't you?

Quinn: No dad. The book says...

Jake: (gets up) I'm a failure. Not only am I a bad consultant. I'm also a subject of ridicule to my kids. Now where did I leave that bottle? (leaves)

Quinn: (voiceover) This is harder than I thought. Maybe I should practice on my friends first.

(Morning. Daria is standing in front of the Lane's house. She rings the bell. Trent opens the door)

Daria: (surprised) Trent? What're you doing up this early?

Trent: It's early? Thanks for telling me. I should get to bed then.

(Trent leaves, Jane appears)

Jane: Oh look. It's hostile girl.

Daria: (sigh) I may have acted like a... um...

Jane: A huge insensitive malicious...

Daria: A jerk. (frowns) It's just that everyone seems to think I can somehow magically solve my dad's problems, without anyone considering how I might be feeling about them, I would if I could but I can't...

Jane: Look at the time. Let's go.

(Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are walking down the hall)

Jane: Can't you find another way to cheer him up?

Daria: To cheer him up I'd need to get him a consulting job he could solve to everyone's satisfaction. And so give him back his self-confidence. But where am I going to find one. I mean it's not just going to fall into my lab.

(The girls reach the end of the hallway. There is a poster that reads "Lawndale High Career Day")

(The school Library. Jodie and Daria are sitting at a table)

Daria: "Career Day". What do you know?

Jodie: Depends. Are you going to try to prevent it? The student council could really use those free ball-point pens.

Daria: Not this time. I'm having a few malfunctions in my robot army.

Jodie: Supposedly it's an opportunity for senior students to meet local industry. To help them decide on a career.

Daria: Knowing Ms. Li I would think the idea really is to give local industry the opportunity to advertise on school property. Probably in return for a small commission.

Jodie: You're always so cynical, Daria. (sigh) But that's probably true.

Daria: So who's going to arrange it?

Jodie: I don't know. Some outside consulting firm I guess.

Daria: What if you wanted a certain consulting firm to get the job?

Jodie: You mean other than paying Ms. Li the biggest bribe?

Daria: Yeah. Other than that.

Jodie: Well, maybe there's a guy who can help you. Someone who despite harassing everything female in the school, day after day, year after year, has never gotten detention, been suspended, expelled or otherwise punished for his behavior. Despite the undoubtedly countless complaints filed over him to Ms. Li.

Daria: Oh brother.

Jodie: Question is. What will he want in return?

(Daria is standing outside the Ruttheimer's house)

Daria: (voiceover) The place where no girl has gone before. Figures that I should be the first.

(Daria rings the doorbell. Upchuck opens)

Upchuck: Do my eyes deceive me? If it isn't the lovely Miss Morgendorffer. To what do I owe the pleasure?

Daria: Up... Charles. Can I come in? I don't want to risk anyone seeing me here.

(Jeffy's room. It's plastered with pictures of tanks and football players. Jeffy and Quinn enters)

Jeffy: This is my room. What do you think Quinn?

Quinn: (sigh) It's like I expected.

Jeffy: I can't believe it. You are in my room. (jumps up and down) Quinn is in my room.

Quinn: Jeffy, calm down.

Jeffy: Sorry.

Quinn: Now lie on the bed.

Jeffy: On the bed?! (jumps up and down) I can't believe this is happening.

Quinn: (beat) Jeffy.

Jeffy: Sorry.

(Jeffy lies on the bed. Quinn sits on a chair and takes her book out of her backpack)

Quinn: Now tell me about your mother.

Jeffy: What?

(Upchuck's room. It contains among other a bar cabinet, a mannequin, a poster of princess Leia, a poster of Barbarella and a poster of Agent Scully)

Upchuck: So what do you think of my little love nest? Rrrrr.

Daria: It's considerably more normal than I had expected.

Upchuck: Sit down. Let me get you a martini. Shaken not stirred (arches his eyebrows).

Daria: (voiceover) Me drink alcohol with you. I think not. (outloud) I forgot to tell you. I only drink 25 year old single malt scotch whiskey.

Upchuck: A rare taste in a rare woman. Coming right up. (walks over to the bar cabinet)

Daria: Damn.

(Later. Daria and Upchuck are sitting on the couch "enjoying" a drink)

Daria: I understand you are the sysop of the schools computers.

Upchuck: It's my contribution to the community. I could use it to fake my grades. Except I get all A's. Like yourself.

Daria: And I don't suppose that maintaining the computers for free would grants you certain favors from Ms. Li in return?

Upchuck: (shocked) Me and Ms. Li!? Eeeeew!

Daria: Maybe you aren't a completely lost case. (sigh) I need my dad to get the job of arranging the career day.

Upchuck: Uuuh. Tricky.

Daria: Can you do it?

Upchuck: Well. Fortunately Ms. Li prefers to conduct business over e-mail to prevent a paper trail. "Someone" would have to intercept her e-mail and do a few "alterations" to make your dad's offer the most favorable.

Daria: Will you do it?

Upchuck: Depends on what I would get in return. (moves closer to Daria)

Daria: You know. Why settle for me when you can have someone far more to your tastes.

Upchuck: (interested) What have you got in mind?

Daria: You'll see. Just take care of what I asked you.

(Jeffy's room)

Jeffy: And all I wanted was a model plane of the B52, but instead I got a model boat of the Mayflower. (starts crying) Oh god, how could she do that to me?

Quinn: (flips through the book) I must be doing something wrong.

(Jane's room. Jane is modeling in clay. Daria is reading a book)

Jane: So how did you get Upchuck to help you? I mean you didn't promise him that you'd go out with him did you?

Daria: Naaa. I promised him that someone else would.

(Jane gets up. She walks over to the table and picks up a knife. She turns to face Daria)

Daria: What's that for?

Jane: I just got the silly idea that you might ask me to go out with him. But of course you wouldn't do such a thing knowing as you undoubtedly do that I'd kill you right there.

Daria: Actually I was thinking you might know someone who would.

Jane: Are you kidding? What girl in her right mind would date the king of sleaze? No one, I repeat no one at Lawndale High would even touch him.

Daria: She wouldn't have to be from school. I believe he prefers older women.

Jane: And where am I supposed to find one who meets those criteria?

(Trent walks past the door)

Jane: Hey Trent.

Trent: Yeah?

Jane: Just wondering. Are you dating Monique right now?

Trent: Not since last week. Why?

Jane: No reason.

(Ms. Li's office. Ms. Li is sitting at her computer)

Ms. Li: I can't believe it. 2000 dollars an hour!? And there is no commission involved. I have to pay them. And what's this? "To the old hag Principal Li. Like we would work for you"? Who do these people think they are? What's this? "Morgendorffer Consulting". "Dear Principal Angela Li". That's more like it. Hmm. Morgendorffer.

(The cafeteria. Daria and Jane are sitting at a table. Ms. Li's voice is heard over the intercom)

OS Ms.Li: Would Daria Morgendorffer please report to the principal's office.

Jane: You think she found out?

Daria: Or she's hoping that I can get my dad to lower his price. Probably by saying that she's got lots of other offers. Something I happen to know isn't true.

Jane: Make her bleed.

Daria: I don't think so. But I may be able to get her to cry.

(Sandi's room. The fashion club is having a meeting)

Sandi: So are we agreed? Pastel colors should be worn in the evening, but no later than 10 p.m.

Tiffany: Do you think I would look good at 10 p.m.?

Stacy: I still don't know. (small smirk) Pastel colors seems kind of 80's.

Sandi: What are you saying? That I got the idea from an old magazine. Because I didn't. And once I find out who put that ancient copy of Waif on top of my new Waif's I'll take a knife and I'll...

Quinn: I have an issue I think we should discuss.

Stacy: What is it?

Quinn: Fashion as fetishism. What do you say?

(Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany stare at Quinn)

Quinn: What?

(Monique's apartment. Monique, Daria and Jane are sitting around a table. Monique is having a beer. Daria and Jane are drinking cola)

Monique: I hope the temperature doesn't bother you. My landlord turned the heat off.

Daria: It's okay. I prefer my cola cold.

Monique: So what can I do for you?

Jane: We need you to date a guy from our class? Tonight if possible.

Monique: You want me to do what?

Jane: Date a guy from our class.

Monique: If anyone other than you asked me this Jane, I'd knock her teeth out. But since it is you, and I assume you know me well enough to know that I'm not a hooker, what's the deal here?

Daria: I owe him. Look, we're not asking you to sleep with him. Just to take him on a date and show him a good time.

Monique: Why can't he find a girl on his own?

Jane: Maybe because he's the biggest sleazeball in our school.

Monique: How nice. The answer is no.

Daria: No chance you'd reconsider?

Monique: Not unless you could somehow take care of my landlord for me.

Daria: (reaches for her notepad) What's his name?

(Monique is standing outside the Ruttheimer's house. She rings the bell. Upchuck answers it)

Monique: Daria sent me. Shall we go?

Upchuck: (awestruck) My dreams have come true. (drools)

Monique: Oh great. What I do for a place to live. (takes Upchuck's hand) Come on.

Upchuck: Yeees. Dominate me.

(The Morgendorffer's are having pizza for dinner)

Quinn: ... and then Sandi looks at me like I'm some kind of pervert. Which is really rude, and just shows how small her superego is. Anyhow...

Helen: (supportive) This is a great pizza Jake. I didn't even know you were this good a cook.

Jake: (miserably) I'm not. The pizza boy came with it. Like I could make a pizza. I'm not even hungry. (leaves)

Helen: Daria are you sure you can't...

Quinn: Mu-ooom. I'm the one who's going to fix dad. My book sais that his problem is that his id is in conflict with his ego. I just need some more practice. That's all.

(Helen sighs)

Daria: Give me a couple of minutes. (leaves)

(The livingroom. Jake is sitting on the couch. Daria walks over to him)

Daria: Dad I don't think you're a failure.

Jake: It's nice of you to try and cheer me up, kiddo. But you know that isn't true. People get put away for taking my advice.

Daria: That was one guy, dad. Out of how many? You must have had more than a hundred clients over the years.

Jake: But this was my best client yet. And look at me. We both know who pulls the load around here.

Daria: So mom is making more than you do. So what? You supported her when she was in law school, and you supported her when she had to stay home with me and Quinn. You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Jake: (sigh) Maybe. But I'm still a bad consultant.

Daria: Are you sure? I talked with Ms. Li today. She asked me if you'd be interested in arranging the school's career day.

Jake: She did? But why me? I haven't even talked with her.

Daria: I guess she got the idea that you're the man for the job. She had many offers but wasn't satisfied with them. So she asked me if you'd be interested. You're meeting with her tomorrow. (hands Jake a piece of paper) This is the number I agreed on for you. It's 10% more than what you usually charge.

Jake: Huh?

Daria: Nevermind. Out of all the consultants in this town she wanted you. What does that tell you?

(The kitchen. Jake comes back in)

Jake: (exited) Jake Morgendorffer Consulting is back. (hugs Helen)

Helen: Oh, Jake.

Quinn: But daaad. What about your ego?

(Daria's room. Daria is lying on her bed staring at the ceiling. Helen walks over to her)

Helen: Sweetie. I don't know how you did it. But thanks. If there's anything I can do in return...

Daria: There is. (hands Helen a piece of paper) I need you to take this woman as your client. Pro bono. She's having trouble with her landlord.

Helen: You want me, a corporate layer, to handle a landlord dispute?

Daria: You asked if there was anything you could do.

Helen: Pro bono?

Daria: I suppose she could take you to see a concert.

Helen: (pause) Agreed. Presuming you also fix Quinn.

Daria: (gets up) Give me a couple of seconds.

(Quinn's room. Quinn is reading her book. There is a knock on her door.

Quinn: Come in.

(Daria enters. She's holding a big book in her hands)

Daria: Are you still reading about psychotherapy? Because I was wondering if you might want to borrow this.

Quinn: What is it?

Daria: A book on psychotherapy. I mean you didn't really think it was something you could learn in 21 days. This one is much more detailed.

Quinn: But it's so thick.

Daria: It's not that thick. I'm sure you'll get through it in a few months time.

Quinn: Um. You know maybe it's better if you do, you know, what you do around here. I think fashion needs me more than Freud does. (puts her book away)

Daria: Suit yourself. (leaves)

(Cut to the hallway. Daria looks at the cover on her book. It reads "Oxford Advanced Learners Dictionary")

(Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are standing by the lockers)

Jane: So everything is back to normal in the Morgendorffer household?

Daria: Define normal.

Jane: And you didn't have to violate your principles by telling your dad he's something he's not.

Daria: Nope.

Jane: All it took was for you to find Upchuck a woman.

Daria: (pause) You really know how to get under my skin don't you?

Jane: I've had years of practice.

(Upchuck walks past)

Jane: What's this? He just walked past us. No greeting, no "rrrrr", no "fiesty". You don't suppose he and Monique...

Daria: I don't want to think about it. But it would probably be overly optimistic to think it's a lasting effect.

Jane: So if he starts acting up again we could find him another girl.

Daria: But who?

(Ms Barch walks past. Daria and Jane look at each other)

Daria & Jane: Naaaa.


(1) "Sappy Anniversary"

(2) "Pinch Sitter"

(3) "Fat Like Me"

(4) "Jake of Hearts"

(5) "Is it Fall Yet"

(6) "The Misery Chick"