Family Ties
By Thomas  

Thanks to Steve Brown for helping me with my grammar.

(Morgendorffer kitchen. The Morgendorffer's are having dinner)

Helen: We have a meting with our new marriage counselor tomorrow. She wants to meet all of us. So you two have to come along.

Quinn: But, muh-om.

Daria: I didn't think you two could see marriage counselors anymore.

Helen: (Flatly) Why do you say that?

Quinn: Yeah, aren't you guys blacklisted or something?

Helen: That's ridiculous. Surely your dad and I haven't been blacklisted. Besides, Mrs. Schiller is new in town.

Daria: Meaning she hasn't heard of you yet.

Jake: (Oblivious to the sarcasm) No, actually she has. But I think that's a good thing. Because she told me she's looking forward to meeting the famous Morgendorffer's.

(Quinn and Daria look to the ceiling. Helen buries her face in her hands)

(After dinner. Jake leaves the table)

Helen: Daria, you stay here and help me with the dishes.

Quinn: Isn't it my turn... (pause) What am I saying of course it's Daria's turn. (leaves)

Daria: Next time you want to talk with me alone, could you possibly choose a way that doesn't involve physical labor?

Helen: Sorry. About Quinn's appointment tomorrow.

Daria: With the marriage counselor?

Helen: Not that. You know what I mean. I need you to take her there.

Daria: Forget it. I won't do it. You take her.

Helen: I can't -- I have to be in court.

Daria: Let dad take her.

Helen: I did that last time. She tricked him, and he ended up taking her to a hairdresser. And when I finally did get her there, she tried to escape through the window.

Daria: I won't do it.

Helen: (Takes her silver credit cards) I hear they're having a sale at the bookstore at the mall.

Daria: (Looks at the card) It has the wrong color.

Helen: (Sighs. Takes the gold credit card) Satisfied?

Daria: Quinn might try to bribe me.

Helen: I'll double it.

Daria: Deal. I may have to use force, you know.

Helen: As long as you get her there. Uhm, about the bookstore. That bill I got last time...

Daria: What about it?

Helen: It was itemized.

Daria: So they had a book with illustrations of war wounds. Big deal.

(That evening. Jane's room)

Jane: So you get to kidnap Quinn. And your mom said you could use force.

Daria: I could use some help. Do you think you can get Trent to come to the school with the tank?

Jane: You mean, can I get him to keep an appointment? No.

Daria: Can you get him to drive you to school in it, and then get him to fall asleep in the back so that the tank and Trent will be there when we need them?

Jane: Now *that* could be done.

(Lawndale High. Jane and Daria are standing in the hall. Quinn, Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany walks past them. They follow)

Sandi: Quinn, you remember that girl who seems to live in your house and her weird friend?

Quinn: (Laughs nervously) What about them?

Sandi: They are *following* us.

Quinn: But, Sandi, why would they be following us?

(They leave the school. Jane and Daria sneak up on Quinn and grab her, forcing her arms behind her back. They walk her towards the Tank)

Quinn: Let go of me!

Jane: Maybe later.

Sandi: What are you doing?

Daria: Taking Quinn for a ride.

Stacy: You mean, you're kidnapping her?

Daria: That's right. And we may have to hurt her.

Quinn: What?!

Sandi: I see. (smiles)

(Jane and Daria walk off with Quinn)

Tiffany: Should we save Quinn?

Stacy: We can call security.

Sandi: Why should we? I'm sure *Quinn* can handle her *own* problems.

(At the Tank)

Quinn: When mom finds out about this...

Daria: Mom is the one who told me to do it.

Jane: Maybe you're taking that thing about being allowed to use force a bit seriously.

Daria: Ehh, it's a perk of the job.

Jane: (Kicks the door) Wake up, sleepy boy.

Trent: (Opens the door, looks like he just woke up) Oh, it's you, Jane. Hi, Daria and Daria's sister.

Quinn: I have a name, you know.

Trent: Enjoy it while you can since you won't be able to utter it for much longer. (gets behind the wheels)

(Jane and Daria force Quinn into the Tank)

Quinn: (Scared) What do you mean? Where are you taking me?

Jane: A place you haven't been to for six months.

Quinn: (Really scared) Where?

Daria: Let me give you a hint. You tried to escape through the window last time.

Quinn: (Really, really scared) You mean...

Daria: Yes.


(The Tank drives up to a building. Cut to the inside of the Tank)

Quinn: You don't have to do this, Daria.

Daria: No, but if I don't, mom won't pay me.

Quinn: I can pay you! I have 46 dollars.

Daria: Too late. Mom already told me she'd double your bribe.

Jane: A generous donation to the Jane and Daria Pizza fund. (opens the door)

Daria: (Takes Quinn outside) I can take her from here. See you later.

(The Tank drives away)

Quinn: (Whining) Let me go. I don't want to.

(Daria force Quinn over to the entrance. The sign at the door says "Dentist")

(The clinic. Quinn is semi-conscious and lying in the chair. Daria is talking with the dentist)

Quinn: Noooooo. Leeeeeveeee meeeeeeee aaaaaloooooneeeeee.

Dentist: I usually don't have to use anesthetics just to get x-rays.

Daria: You could write books about her dental angst.

Dentist: I know. Last time she was here she tried to escape through the window.

Daria: So I heard. When can I have her back?

Dentist: You want her back?

Daria: Not particularly, no. But my mom won't pay me if I come home empty handed.

Quinn: Baaaastaaaaards.

Dentist: The good news is that she doesn't have any holes in her teeth.

Daria: And the bad news?

Dentist: If you look at the x-rays, (holds them up for Daria to see) you can see that the wisdom teeth in her lower jar are coming out the wrong way. To the side instead of straight up.

Daria: I always suspected there might be something wrong with those teeth.

Dentist: The problem is that her jar is too small to accommodate them properly. I really ought to pull them out before they grow any bigger.

Quinn: Nooooooooooo.

Daria: You mean, I have to bring her here again?

Dentist: (Sighs) I suppose I could do it now. But you may not want me to.

Daria: Why's that?

Dentist: (Smiles) With all the anesthetic I have to give her, someone will have to keep an eye on her the rest of the day.

Daria: Damn. I suppose I might as well get this over with. I say pull them.

Quinn: Kiiiiiiiiill Yooooouuuuuuu.

(An hour later. An assistant walks Daria and Quinn to the door. Quinn is a little unsteady on her feet)

Assistant: That wasn't so bad was it?

Daria: No. Didn't feel a thing.

Quinn: Nasnards.

Assistant: Quinn, remember to change the cotton bandages in your mouth whenever they soak through. And you can only eat liquid foods like soup and yogurt until your wounds heal. And take a pain killer every eight hours. You did get the pain killers, right?

Daria: I have them in my pocket.

Assistant: Good. See you in six months. (leaves)

Daria: Did you hear that? Now you won't have to go there again for another six months.

Quinn: Noy net nim nake ny neeth.

Daria: If I hadn't told him to pull them, you would've gotten a new appointment in a week or so.

Quinn: Nasnard.

Daria: (Sighs) I was going to abandon you here. But the dentist said not to leave you alone. You can come with me to the mall.

Quinn: Nhe nall?

(Daria shows her Helen's credit card. Quinn's face lightens up)

Daria: I guess, I'm forgiven.

(Later that day at Cashman's. Helen enters and walks over to Quinn)

Helen: Hi, sweetie.

(Quinn gives her a dirty look)

Helen: I called home but no one answered the phone. So I thought I could find you here.

(Quinn gives her another dirty look)

Helen: Now, Quinn, going to the dentist wasn't that bad, was it? I mean, it's not like he pulled any of your teeth out.

(Quinn opens her mouth for Helen to see)

Helen: Oh my, he did pull some of your teeth. Two of your wisdom teeth. But, Quinn, it's not like you need those.

(Quinn fumes)

Helen: Is Daria letting you use my credit card?

(Quinn shakes her head no)

Helen: Good, because I was thinking of letting you have the platinum.

Quinn: Naaaaaah.

Helen: Now, I know we're supposed to meet with Mrs. Schiller in two hours. But I have to see a witness and go over his testimony with him, so I can't be there. Luckily I came up with a great idea.

(Meanwhile at the bookstore. Jake enters. He walks over to Daria)

Jake: Hi, kiddo.

Daria: (Surprised) Dad?

Jake: Helen told me you'd be at the mall after taking Quinn to the dentist.

Daria: How did you know where to find me?

Jake: But isn't this the only store in the mall you go to?

Daria: I suppose I asked for that.

Jake: I know that we have a meeting with the marriage counselor later, but one of my clients wants to finalize our deal over dinner, so I won't be able to make it. But then I had this great idea.

Daria: I've no doubt. I've seen your work.

Jake: (Doesn't get it) Thanks, kiddo.

(Cashman's. Daria, with a bigger and heavier backpack, enters the store and walks over to Quinn. She hands her the credit card)

Quinn: Nanks.

Daria: You're not going to believe what happened. I met dad and he said he wouldn't be at the meeting. Instead he wants to call Mrs. Schiller's office and participate over the phone.

Quinn: Nena nu.

Daria: What?

Quinn: Notenad!

(Daria hands her a notepad and a pen. Quinn writes something on it. Then she hands it to Daria)

Daria: (Reads it) Their marriage might not be the best in the world. But at least they have many common ideas.

(Later. Quinn and Daria are walking towards the exit. They meet the Thompson's)

Kevin: Hey, Daria. Say who's that lovely girl you're with?

Quinn: Non't nou nenember ne?! Ne net nefore.

Daria: It's my sister, Quinn.

Kevin: Is there something wrong with her, Daria? Why does she talk like that?

Daria: She's retarded.

Quinn: (Agitated) Nats na nie. Ni'm not nenarded (some blood comes out of her mouth and runs down her chin)

Kevin: Ewww! She drools.

Mrs. Thompson: It's blood. My God, what's wrong with her?

Daria: We were at the pet store. She ate a gerbil.

Quinn: (Furious) Nou nasnard! Ni nid not neat na nerbil.

Mr Thompson: That's awful. Shouldn't she be in an institution?

Daria: Can't be done. None will take her. We're stuck with her.

Quinn: (Fumes) Nate nou, nill nou!

Daria: I guess it's my own fault. I dropped her on the head when she was little.

Kevin: Really? I hit my head lots of times, but I'm not retarded.

Mrs. Thompson: Uhm, maybe we should go now.

(The Thompson's leave)

Daria: Did you seriously expect Kevin to remember you? You're not a cheerleader you know. Come on, we have to find a bathroom, you look like something from Buffy.

(Quinn has gone silent. She has a look of confusion on her face)

Daria: Come on. What's wrong with you? (takes Quinn's hand and drags her along)

(The bathroom. Quinn and Daria enters. The look on Quinn's face has changed to one of despair)

Daria: (Looks at Quinn) What is it?

Quinn: NAAAH (hit's Daria in the face)

(Daria falls to the ground. Quinn starts kicking her. Daria tackles her, wrestles her to the ground and gets on top of her)

Daria: (Yelling) What's wrong with you?! Have you gone mental or something?!

Quinn: (Crying) Nou nropped ne, nou nropped ne.

Daria: I don't understand what you're saying. Write it down. (hands her a notepad and a pen)

Quinn: (Writing) You dropped me on the head.

Daria: Oh, that's it. I make a lousy joke on your expense, and you freak. (understands what Quinn means) Oh brother.

Quinn: (Writing) I always wondered why you are so much smarter than me. You dropped me.

Daria: No I didn't. It was a joke. I would never do such a thing. Not today and not when we were little. Look at it this way. Do you really think mom would have let me carry you?

Quinn: (Writing) Promise?

Daria: Hey you're prettier than I am, and I never accused you of dropping me on the head.

(Quinn giggles)

Daria: You weren't supposed to laugh at that. I'll let go of you now. (releases her)

Quinn: (Sits up, looks at Daria) Nour nace. (points at the mirror)

(Daria gets up, walks to the mirror and looks at it. The left side of her face is starting to swell)

Daria: I'll get a black eye.

Quinn: (Gets up) Norry.

Daria: Just hit me in the stomach next time will you. Is it okay if I take one of your pain killers?

Quinn: Nure.

Daria: (Takes a pain killer) This isn't terribly smart, you know. The marriage counselor might think that mom or dad hit me.

Quinn: Ni not nan ninea.

Daria: (Skeptical) *You* got an idea.

(Outside the Optometrist. Daria is wearing a big pair of sunglasses)

Daria: It might work. This way you can't see that I've been hit in the face.

Quinn: No nou nike ny ninea.

Daria: I suppose it's worth a try. But I don't have my contacts on me, and with the sunglasses on I really can't see a thing. I'll need you to guide me around.

Quinn: Nou nill?

Daria: (Sighs) Look I know, I have given you lots of reasons to carry a grudge against me. Kidnapping you, letting the dentist take your teeth and making fun of you in front of Kevin. And I know that me walking around half blind will offer you many opportunities to get even.

Quinn: Ni nalneady nid.

Daria: What?

Quinn: Net neven (points at the sunglasses)

Daria: Right. (pause) So you're not going to push me into a fountain or anything?

Quinn: Nronise.

(Daria and Quinn are walking towards the exit. Daria is wearing sunglasses. Quinn is leading her by the hand. They meet Skyler)

Skyler: (Reserved) Hi, Quinn. Say who's that you're with?

Quinn: Nit's ny nind nousin.

Skyler: What?

Daria: (Voiceover) So now I'm not just your cousin, I'm also blind. And just when I had decided to go easy on you (outloud) She's saying that I'm her blind cousin.

Quinn: Ner nead nog nan nanay.

Daria: And that my lead dog ran away.

Skyler: How sad. I hope you get it back.

Daria: I don't. It turned out to have rabies (voiceover) Revenge is mine. Just get around to asking me why Quinn talks funny.

Quinn: No now ni'm nelning ner nanound.

Daria: So now Quinn is helping me get around.

Skyler: That's really sweet of you, Quinn. You know, I had this idea that you were selfish. But I guess I was wrong.

Quinn: Now nilly.

Daria: How silly (voiceover) Go on, ask me.

Skyler: Say, can I take you on a date tomorrow night?

Quinn: (Happy) Nure. Nick ne nup nanound neight.

Daria: You can pick her up around eight o'clock (voiceover) *Ask me, ask me, ask me*.

Skyler: By the way, why do you talk like that?

Daria: My dog bit her. Quinn has rabies. It's affecting her speech.

Quinn: (Terrified) Nooooo! Ni no not nave nanies. Ni nas nat nhe nenninst. Nook (Opens her mouth for Skyler to see)

Skyler: (Disgusted) Ewww! Your mouth is full of blood!

Daria: Don't worry. You'll be fine as long as she doesn't bite you.

Skyler: Like she'll get the chance. Goodbye, Quinn. And I mean goodbye. (leaves)

Quinn: Nkyner nait! (pause) Nhy?

Daria: Keep thinking, Quinn, maybe you'll figure it out someday.

(Quinn looks ready to explode. Then she suddenly calms down. She takes Daria's hand)

Quinn: Nome none Naria.

Daria: (Suspicious) Are you going to try something?

Quinn: Naria ni nronise not no nush nou ninno na nounnain.

Daria: Fine let's get out of here.

(Quinn leads Daria towards the exit. But she takes her too far to the right. Daria ends up hammering her head against the glass door)

Daria: Aaaah, my head!

(Quinn steps back. Daria takes the sunglasses of and throws them away. She puts her own glasses back on and looks at Quinn)

Daria: You didn't push me into a fountain, I'll give you that.

Quinn: (Angry) Nou nenerved nath.

Daria: (Smirk) I'm not mad at you. I didn't feel a thing. I took one of the pain killers. Remember?

Quinn: (Uneasy) Ny nain nillers.

Daria: (Holds the bottle up for Quinn to see) *Your* pain killers? I think not.

Quinn: (Panicking) Naria nive ne nhose.

Daria: Maybe I'll give you one tonight. You know, in case I can't sleep because of your screams.

(The office of the mall security guards. Daria and Quinn are sitting on a bench. A security guard is sitting at the desk. A woman walks in)

Mrs. Schiller: I've come for Daria and Quinn Morgendorffer.

Guard: Yes. Your daughters were involved in a cat fight near the entrance when I picked them up.

Mrs. Schiller: I'm not their mother. I'm their parents marriage counselor.

Guard: That's nothing. I once had a kid who got picked up by his uncle who had just escaped from jail.

Mrs. Schiller: I see. Come on girls. Let's get out of here.

Daria: Thanks for coming to get us.

Quinn: Ne neally naniciate nit.

Mrs. Schiller: Why does she talk like that?

(Quinn looks at Daria. She has a pleading look in her eyes)

Daria: (Sighs) She was at the dentist. He pulled two of her wisdom teeth.

Mrs. Schiller: (Takes a deep breath) I suppose I'll laugh at this when, I get old.

Daria: Can you get Quinn her pain killers back? He took them. (points at the guard)

Guard: I just wanted to know what they were. (hands the bottle to Mrs. Schiller) Now I've some papers for you to sign.

Mrs. Schiller: I don't think that'll be necessary. If we forget about this, I won't have to complain to your superiors about you taking the girls medication. They might think you would take people's insulin or inhalators or heart drugs next time.

Guard: (Angry) Fine take them and leave.

(Outside the office)

Mrs. Schiller: So you're some of the famous Morgendorffers. No offense.

Daria: None taken. I'm still too young to change my name. But I'm hoping to become part of a witness protection program.

Mrs. Schiller: It must have been some fight you and your sister had. Your eye looks terrible.

Daria: Our parents won't beat us. So we have to do it ourselves.

Mrs. Schiller: (Smirk) I know what you mean. I have three brothers.

Daria: You're not mad that I called you?

Mrs. Schiller: Not at all. I was thinking of talking with you two alone. And I can understand why you called me. Not wanting your parents to know. But I'm afraid that I will have to tell them about this.

Daria: Actually the reason I called you was that I didn't think our parents had the time to get us.

Mrs. Schiller: What do you mean? Your parents and I have a meeting in half an hour.

Daria: About that meeting. I think there's something you should know.

(A minute later. Mrs. Schiller is using her cell phone)

Mrs. Schiller: Diana. When Mr. and Mrs. Morgendorffer calls, tell them, that I can't help them. And that I'm taking their daughters to a restaurant, and that I'll drive them home afterwards. (to Daria and Quinn) It's the least I can do. Besides your parents paid in advance.

(At an Italian restaurant. Mrs. Schiller, Quinn and Daria are sitting at a table. A waiter comes over)

Waiter: Do you want to see the menu.

Quinn: Ni nan nonly neat noup.

Waiter: What?

Daria: She wants to know if you have a menu in Russian.

Mrs. Schiller: (Smirk) Maybe you should let me order (takes a menu and looks at it) Two ravioli, and a noodle soup. And three cokes.

Waiter: Got it. (leaves)

Mrs. Schiller: Your mom did mention something about you having an attitude problem, Daria. I had a feeling that meant sarcasm.

Daria: I've had many years of practice.

Quinn: Nid nhe nay nanyning nanout ne?

Mrs. Schiller: Excuse me?

Daria: (Raises an eyebrow) She wants to know if our mom said anything about her.

Mrs. Schiller: She said you had great people skills.

Daria: (Voiceover) She called you manipulative.

Mrs. Schiller: And that you're good at the things you set your mind to.

Daria: (Voiceover) She said you do badly in school because of your obsession with fashion.

(Quinn's face lightens up)

Mrs. Schiller: And she loves you as much as she loves Daria. Which is a lot.

(Quinn's smile fades a little)

Daria: (Voiceover) Maybe she did say that. (puts on a Mona Lisa smile)

Mrs. Schiller: And she really did say that.

Daria: Mrs. Schiller?

Mrs. Schiller: Yes, Daria.

Daria: You're, uhm.

Mrs. Schiller: Cool?

Daria: I'm not allowed to say that.

Mrs. Schiller: I know.

Daria: (Takes a deep breath) Do you think our parents will get divorced?

Mrs. Schiller: I really have to talk with them some more to find that out.

Daria: But you don't want to do that.

Mrs. Schiller: Not particularly, no. (pause) Look at least you girls have parents. And the ones you have does seem to love you in their own way. They don't beat you or starve you or abuse you.

Daria: And we should be happy because lots of kids can't say that.

Mrs. Schiller: I'm sorry that I don't have any answers for you girls. Maybe things will get better over the years.

Daria: (Sighs) Maybe they will. I wrote a story about that once.

Quinn: Nou nid? Nan ni need nit?

Daria: No, but you can read the one (voiceover) where you get run over by a car (outloud) uhm, where you run away with Kevin.

Quinn: Nath?