The Piratical Adventures of Daria Morgendorffer, Pirate.
Episode #001: Esteemarrs!
(Jake is taking his daughters to school in a small rowboat; Quinn is riding alongside Jake, Daria is in the back. Everyone wears pirate regalia, gold trim, large pirate hats, scabbards etc etc:)
Jake - Girls, I just want ye both to know your mother and I know it isn't easy movin' to a whole new island -- especially for you, Daria, yah?
Daria - Did we set sail?
Jake - (laughs) Arr! I'm just sayin' you don't make your hearties as easy as... some pirates.
Daria – Like Quinn?
Jake – Narr! Daria, your first day at a whole new port is bound to be difficult!
Quinn-Arr Arr Arr!
[Quinn continues at a very loud volume]
Daria - (shouts) Speak up, Captain! Can't hear ye! Your voice be too quiet for these ears!
Jake - Uh, where was I? (Quinn shuts up.) Oh, yeah...
(boat arrives at port)
Jake – Now girls, don't be worried if your mateys take quite some time to warm to ye. It's the way of the sea!
Daria – But we're at port now.
Jake – Well, I can't help ya.
(Quinn walks onshore and is immediately noticed by the other student pirates)
Stacy - Ahoy! I decree you be cool! . What's your name?
Quinn - Quinn Morgendorffer.
Sandi - Cool name.
Boy - Will you sail the high sea with me?
Daria - I'll help her through this difficult time of meetin'! (exits boat)
Jake - That's my girl!
Daria – Bye Captain!
(Daria walks through the crowd; the pirates are oblivious to her presence, despite her extremely large hat.)
(On a battlement; Captain. Li, the school master (with eye patch), is giving the new students a tour of the coastal fort.)
Ms. Li - As you can see, our junior pirates take great pride in their fort. That's why I'll be needing ye to take a small test to any little clouds on the horizon as you sail the seven seas with Lawndale High.
Daria - S.O.S., girl overboard.
Ms. Li – Don't joke about that! I've run this fort for sixteen years and I've had nary a lad or lass slip into the blue deep!
(in First Admiral Manson's room; Quinn and First Admiral Manson are seated at a wooden table with a large map.)
First Admiral Manson - Now, Quinn... what do you see here? (holds up an illustration)
Quinn - It's a picture of a captain talking to his subordinate.
Manson - That's right. Can ye invent a tale about their talk?
Quinn - Let's see... he's faithfully served his captain for a while, but the captain is upset because he didn't do a good job on his last plundering expedition, and he's saying he can't help it if they didn't get as much booty as usual, and if he wants him to be retained he's got to do better than seven gold dubloons per month, cause there are plenty of other crews looking for another navigator to take them to treasure!
Mrs. Manson - Very good, Quinn! Now, Dora, let's see if ye can devise a shanty as well as your sailor sister's.
Daria - It's Daria.
Mrs. Manson – Sorry! ... Daria. Is that better?
Daria – Yaarr!
Manson – What be what you see?
Daria - Um... a herd of fabled mermaids swimming free across the seas.
Mrs. Manson – No! There aren't any mermaids! I'd tear out my beard if I had one! It's two people. Try again.
Daria – At my last port of call, they showed me the sky and told me they were clouds. They said that was all I needed to know!
Mrs. Manson – Wrong test! In this exam, they're a captain and his navigator, and you tell me what they're discussing.
Daria – Are they pirates?
Manson – Of course they're pirates! Are ye daft?
Daria - Oh... right on. All right, then. It's a pirate captain and a navigator and they be discussing... a herd of fabled mermaids swimming free across the seas.
DeMartino – Class! We be havin' a new junior pirate among our ranks!
Class – Arrr!
DeMartino – Daria! Raise your hand!
DeMartino – You can answer my question, seein' you had your hand raised there.. Arr arr arr! Class?
Class – Arrr!
DeMartino -- Now Dar, where be the best place to aim your cannon?
Daria -- It be starboard....Me matey.
DeMartino -- Very good--suspiciously good. Tell me, did you plunder the British at Antigua?
Daria – Aye!. Yes I did.
DeMartino – Very good!
(Class laughs while passing around rum.)
(On Daria's galleon; the family is eating dinner)
Quinn - Then they urged me to join the pirate crew. They said I didn't have to try out, but I said, "Look, I'm not used to these waters! So just give me a chance to get used thee conditions.." So, for now, I'm first mate of the Nautical Fashion Club, and that's it.
Jake - Sounds like a plan!.
Helen - As long as you can join the crew later. Never know how much we can handle till we try, though. I mean, I never thought I'd become the first female pirate lawyer—but here I am!
Jake - What about you, Dar? How was your first sojourn?
Daria - Well, my history commander hates me because I know all the answers, but there be some interesting fools in my class.
Helen - Jake!
Jake - I mean...Ar.
Helen - Daria, your captain's trying to tell you not to judge pirates until you know them. You're in a brand-new fort in a brand-new port. You don't want it to be Highland Heights all over again.
Daria – Can't see that...unless we're going to get plundered here too.
Helen - I'm talking about ye making a friend or two! Someone to stop you from being walked off the plank at least-- It'd do you well Daria.
Daria - It all boils down to trusting my mateys.
Helen – Too true, too true. It all boils down to trust. Show a little trust.
Daria - Mom... Dad... you're right. Can I borrow a rowboat? I want to set sail.
Helen and Jake – Narr!
(a trained seagull arrives with an envelope in its beak; Helen gets up to take it)
Quinn - God, I hope that's not the cannon society again.
Helen – Aye. Thank you sea bird!
Helen - Daria, they want you to take a special class for a few weeks, then they'll test you again.
Quinn - You flunked the exam?!
Helen - She didn't flunk anything. It seems she has low self-esteem.
Jake - What?! That really stinks, Daria! (lashes out with cutlass) Arr!
Helen - Easy, Jake. Eye on the treasure chest. (to Daria) We tell you over and over again that you're make a fine captain or pirate lawyer and you just... don't... get it! (slams fists on table) What's wrong with you?!
Quinn - Is she going to have lose her coconuts or something? 'Cause that could really scuttle me up with my new mates.
Daria - Don't worry. I don't have low self-esteem. It's a lie said by scurvy-ridden dogs!
Jake - I'll say!
Daria - I have esteem for me, but not for thee.
(in self-esteem class; Mr. O'Neill is at the front desk, with about a half-dozen students scattered throughout the room)
Mr. O'Neill - Irate... a pirate. They don't really rhyme, do they? The sounds don't quite mesh. And that, in fact, is often the case when it comes to us pirates. The two just don't seem to go together. .
(Daria, who had been taking notes with an ornate quill, stops and frowns in confusion, then raises her hand)
Mr. O'Neill - ...and when we do, each and every one of you will be able to stand proudly and proclaim, "Walk the plank!." Now, before we...
Daria - Excuse me Sir! I wish to question yea!
Mr. O'Neill - Sorry, question and answer time is later. This time is for pirate anger management class.
Daria – But won't this class make us angrier?
Mr. O'Neill - It means... look, just let me get through this part, okay? Then there'll be plunderin'! (to entire class) Before we unlock your treasure chest...
(a black-haired girl, clothed in black with a red trim, leans forward to speak to Daria)
Jane - He doesn't know what it means. He's said the whole flea-ridden speech before!. Just enjoy the cursed' man's ragged voice.
Daria - How am I supposed to follow him if he won't give us a map?
Jane - I can fill you in later. I've taken this course six times.
(at the port before sailing home.)
Jane - So, then, after the plunder practice, next class they put the lads and the lasses in separate rooms and a female gunner talks to us about ammunition.
Daria - What do they talk to the boys about?
Jane - A classroom full of guy pirates and another guy?
(both girls stop walking)
Daria and Jane - Debauchery. Ar ha ha!
(they resume walking)
Daria - I don't get you, Jane! You've got the entire miserable course memorized. How come you can't pass the test to sail away?
Jane - I could sail, but I'd rather fail. It makes me feel like I've putting in my pirate dues!.
(at Daria's galleon; Daria walks in the starboard door, and is surprised to see Helen standing in the chamber)
Helen – Ahoy there!
Daria - Mom? You feeling all right? Normally you're busy arguin' for the rights of us pirates to plunder as we please!
Helen - I'm taking the rest of the day off to help you with your esteem.
Daria - Mom, I have a senior pirate to help with that. Any meddling by an amateur could be dangerous.
Helen – Even the first female pirate lawyer?
Daria – Even the first female pirate lawyer.
Helen – (Dejected) Ar.
(at Lawndale coastal fort)
(Daria and Jane are walking down the hall; they pass Quinn and some boy talking by the lockers)
Boy - So... like, what do you like to do after class?
Quinn - Oh, nothing special. Go to the jungle... or, like, a theme park... or out for a grand plunder now and then... or maybe go sink a ship, if, like, I know somebody could threaten my flank or family or stuff.
Jane - You hear that? He hasn't got a parrot's prayer!
Daria - Tell me about it. That's my sister.
Jane – Tis truly a shame!
Boy - So, you've got any brothers or sisters?
Quinn – No. I have no siblings on my side.
(Daria gets a sour look on her face)
(Mr. O'Neill is up front, as usual; Daria and Jane are passing a drawing back and forth)
Mr. O'Neill - So, whose booty are we talking about when we talk about our treasure? Anyone? (points to a boy) Yes.
Boy - We're... talking about our booty!
Mr. O'Neill - Excellent! When we talk about "ourselves" we're talking about "us." Now, sailors, I've got a little sorty for you. Today we talked about turning your maps into reality. Tonight, I want each one of you to go home and do just that. What do you say? Um... you. (points to Daria.) How would you like to find treasure?
Daria - Well, I guess I'd like my whole family to find treasure together.
Mr. O'Neill - Excellent!
Daria – After a long and boring journey that'll really make them suffer. Arr!
Mr. O'Neill - Uh... it's healthy to air these feelings... but shouldn't you be directed them against your perfidious enemies? (bell rings) We'll talk more about this tomorrow. Now leave my sight the lot of you!
(students file out the door)
Jane - Good one me matey!
Daria – I thank ye!
(Mr. O'Neill picks up the discarded drawing, and becomes concerned: it's a drawing of a ship face on it, being shot at by a flotilla of ships.)
(at Daria's house; the family is eating dinner. Daria has evidently said something funny. We miss it.)
Jake - (laughs) Isn't she great? She's wittier than a wave of wits!
Helen – Yar!. But what does your self-esteem teacher say?
Daria - He says I should think back to circumstances that brought me happiness as a child and replicate them... but I suppose Quinn's here to stay.
Helen - Come on, Dar, finish your statement.
Daria - I thought, why don't we go to Pizza Island for dinner like we did when we were kids?
(Helen, Jake, and Quinn begin to freak out)
Quinn - The place with the pirate singers?!
Daria - Boy, do I miss those sea shanties.
(at Pizza Island)
(the Morgendorffers are seated at a booth; Helen and Jake are slightly nauseated, Quinn is mightily pissed off, and Daria is enjoying every minute of their torture as the pirate singers behoove them to join in)
Daria - (sings) Row, row, row your boat! Arr. (smirks)
(at Jane's houseboat)
(Daria and Jane are in Jane's room; we join them mid-conversation as they listen to the calming sounds of the sea.)
Jane – Those landlubbers doesn't get it. They live in the stinking big city. You'd have to be devoid of smell to survive there.
Daria – Aye..
Jane – and some of them have never been on the sea!
Jane/Daria – They be fools! Arr arr arr!
Daria -- You know all the answers to the test, yea?
Jane - I've got them in my notebook.
Daria - Well, why don't we just take the test tomorrow and get out of the scurvyridden class once and for all?
Jane - How would I spend my afternoons?
Daria – Looking for treasure.
Jane - Now you're talking.
(In class. Mr. O'Neill is once again addressing his captive audience)
Mr. O'Neill - And so, for tomorrow, I want you to make a list of ten ways the world would be a sadder place if you weren't in it. (Pause) Or I'll make you walk the plank! Just kidding, a-heh heh ...
Boy – Oh, Captain. O'Neill, Captain.O'Neill?!
Mr. O'Neill – Say your word!
Boy - Is that if we'd never been born, or if our ship was suddenly scuttled?
Mr. O'Neill - Never been born. (bell rings) See you all tomorrow! (to Daria and Jane, who have stayed behind) Ahoy! Did you need further clarification on something we covered today?
Daria - We feel really good about ourselves.
Jane – And our piratical abilities.
Daria/Jane – We want to take the test. .
Mr. O'Neill - Well! I'm glad your nautical meter has taken a good wind! But there's still three more weeks of class left.
Daria - This first week has been a real eye-opener, and not because you made me take off my patch!. It must be the way you teach.
Mr. O'Neill - (flattered) Oh, well... thank you very much.
Jane – Arr....
(to Jane) You know, you look familiar somehow...
Daria - So can we take the test?
Mr. O'Neill - Well, it's not usual procedure, but... I suppose ye can! (grabs test) Okay, question one: "Piracy is important because..."
Daria - It's a career that will let us get plunder for the rest of our lives.
Jane – And booty.
Mr. O'Neill - Arr! Now, "The next time I start to feel bad about myself..."
Jane - Stand before the mirror, look myself in the eye and say, "You are special. No one else on the ship could replace you."
Mr. O'Neill - You two really have been paying attention! Okay, "There's no such thing..."
Jane - As the right weight.
Daria - Or the right height.
Jane - There's only what's right for me and my crew.
Daria - Because we're pirates!
Mr. O'Neill - I don't think we have to go any further. I am really pleased with your learned' ways! I think the rest of the school's population needs to hear about this at morning assembly!
(the girls' faces fall as they realize their plan has backfired in a big way)
(in the assembly hall.)
(Ms. Li is at the podium; Gunner Gibson, Mrs. Manson, and Mr. O'Neill are seated behind her, with Daria and Jane seated at the far end)
Ms. Li - And once again, the annual Treasure Island expedition was a tremendous success. We looted more than $400 of booty, which was subsequently stolen by the Grove Hill crew—but we'll get it back, curse their hides! Now, Captain O'Neill has exciting news about our afternoon pirate self-esteem class.
(Mr. O'Neill stands and approaches the podium, to meager applause)
Daria - This is really going to help me gradually ease into pirate life.
Jane - Usually when I have this dream I'm wearing a pink taffeta trim.
Mr. O'Neill - Thank you. You know, self-esteem is a little like your ship's rum reserves. You may not even know you're low on it until, one day, you go to get your drink and there's none.
Kid - (yells) That's grog!
(tittering and catcalls from audience)
Crowd – Arr!
Mr. O'Neill – Exactly as I said! Anyway, I'd like you to meet two student pirates who have completed my course faster than anyone ever before! Please join me in congratulations as I present these certificates of nautical readyness to... Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane.
Jane - Oh, what the hell. (steps up to podium)
(meager applause dies)
Jane - I just want to say how proud I am today. Knowing that I have nautical esteem makes me have even more esteem (smirks and glances at Daria, then gets dramatic) On the other hand, having all of you know that I had low self-esteem makes me feel... kind of bad... like a landlubber or something.
(audience begins chuckling at Jane's behavior as Daria looks on, approvingly)
Jane - I, uh, I want to go to my ship! (lets out an exaggerated sob, complete with arm to forehead, and runs off the stage)
(audience laughs as Mr. O'Neill runs after her)
Mr. O'Neill - Daria, wait!
Daria - (steps up to podium) No one can sink a terrible problem like low self-esteem on their own. It takes good coaching...
(in the audience, Quinn is seated between two boys, looking bored and a little uneasy)
Guy - Who cares about these losers?
Guy 2 – Let em walk the plank, I say!
Corey - Hey, beats cartography, though, doesn't it? (chortles and high-fives his buddy) Did you hear what I said, Quinn? I said, like, who cares how bad this is -- it's still better than advanced cartography!
Guy - That's good, Corey. (cackles)
Quinn - Funny. That's funny, Corey.
Corey – Arr!
Daria - ...realize my actually being a pirate. Winning the fight against low self-esteem takes support... from teachers, from friends, and most of all, from family.
Corey - Is that loser still talking? Shoot her from a cannon! (cackles and high-fives his buddy again)
Daria - And so, the one crew mate I'd like to thank more than any other is my very own sister, Quinn Morgendorffer. (audience gasps; Quinn's jaw drops to the floor) My sister Quinn has helped me with more self-esteem than she'll ever know. Are you out there, sis? Stand up and let me thank you in person!.
(Quinn cringes and tries to hide as her friends turn to gape at her)
Corey – That crabby girl is your sister?!
Kid - Are you like her too?
Daria – Yarr ha ha!
(at Daria's house)
(the family is at the kitchen table; Quinn is having a royal fit)
Quinn - So then, she gets up in front of the whole assembly and goes on about thanking me!
Helen - That's really sweet, Daria.
Jake – I'm impressed with your sisterly devotion.
Helen – It's what good pirates do!
Jake – Arr!
Quinn - Ooooh! (slams fists on table) I'll have to lock myself in my chamber until I die! I'll never talk to a single soul for the rest of my life! (another seagull arrives.) That's for me. (reads note.) I need to go see Matthew at starboard. (walks out of kitchen)
Jake - What upset her, anyway? Was it a rival fleet?
Daria - She felt I should have thanked you and Mom as well.
Helen - No, we should thank you for being such a great junior pirate. Graduating from that class three weeks early is quite an achievement.
Daria - Maybe we should all go out and celebrate.
Helen - Oh, I'd love to, Daria, but... you don't have much spare time when you're a pirate lawyer.
Jake - Yeah. Take a rain check, though.
Daria - I don't know. My nautical confidence feels like it's starting to sink.
(Helen and Jake gasp)
(Back at Pizza Island)
(the Morgendorffers are in attendance; once again, Helen and Jake look uneasy, while Quinn would rather be anywhere else, and Daria is basking in their humiliation)
Daria – The shanties were so good I wanted to come back again.
Jake - Uh... sure, honey. Whatever you want. (Daria, Jake, and Helen walk off-screen)
Helen (O.S.) - Quinn?
Quinn - I'll wait here... or in the bathroom.. or maybe out in the ocean.
Jake (O.S.) - Okay. We'll be back before you can say Bluebeard!
(a familiar-looking boy walks up to Quinn)
Artie - Hi! I'm Arrr-tie. You're cool.
Quinn - (shivers) Mom! Dad! You guys, wait up! Get me away from this slimy scoundrel (runs after her family)
[End credits roll to the sound of sea shanties in the background.]