Author: "Hash"

Title: "Egg-cept Responsability" Fic #102

Previous Fics: #101. "Just Add Connor"

Summary: As a human development exercise for Ms. Barch's science class, Daria and Connor are forced to experience what it's like to be married for a week. But what they end up learning might not have anything to do with the assignment. And what was that about an egg?

Quick note from "Hash": Okay, doing my own series and all, I decided I would just copy all the other authors and make my own little theme song sequence. By the way, the new clothing thing still stands, as it will for the entire series k?And don't forget, it's the holiday season. Okay then. Happy reading.


[Same theme song as always, Splendora, "You're Standing On My Neck", ]

[Kevin and Brittany making out on Daria's locker, Daria has a pair of cymbals. She bangs them together, Kevin runs.]

[Jodie, Mack, Daria, Jane, Tom, and Connor are all in some toy store at the mall. Connor ducks as a stuffed bunny flies past his head hitting Jane in the face, knocking her into a pile of Pokemon ripoff stuff.]

[Daria, Jane, and Connor standing in the hall, Connor trying to open his locker. Doesn't work, he bangs his head into the locker, it flies open.]

[Mr. O'Neil running out of his room, sobbing, Daria standing at the front of the room with a piece of paper, with an evil grin. Connor and Jane smirk approvingly.]

[Daria and Connor at his locker, which is again refusing to open, he bangs his head again, it flies open.]

[Jane, Daria, and Connor working on a mural on the outside of the school's library. Ms. Li passes by, a can of blue paint falls on her head. Daria and Connor are trying not to laugh, Jane is smirking, she has blue paint on her hands.]

[Connor sitting in the nurse's office holding an ice pack on his head.]

[Daria, Connor, Tom, and Jane are in a booth at the Pizza King. Mack and Jodie walk in, Jodie's pushing a stroller with an egg 'baby'. The others look at each other for a second then start laughing hysterically.]

[Daria, Jane, and Connor at his locker, which once again will not open. Connor gets ready to bang his head into it, but Daria stops him, spins the lock once, and easily opens the locker. Connor looks amazed, Daria and Jane are smirking. Zoom in on Daria in that little circle thing that the show does, with black background...]

"Egg-cept Responsability"


Scene 1


Lawndale High/Afternoon/Monday

[Blink182, "Damnit" plays in background.]



Lawndale High, Ms. Barch's room/Afternoon/Monday

[Daria and Connor sitting at the same table, Brittany and Kevin to their right, and Mack and Jodie behind them. Ms. Barch is standing at the front of the room with a pile of large envelopes in front of her.]

Ms. Barch: And so, as an assignment in human development (mumbles) lousy subject guidelines...(aloud) you will all pair up as married couples for a week. Of course, girls, this means you'll have to be paired with those scum you call your classmates since the school would consider it (mockingly) uncivil if I let you do otherwise.

Daria: Damn civil rights amendment. (Connor smirks)

Ms. Barch: So, everyone pair up and girls come get your marriage packet with your name on it. (casually) Oh yeah, and don't forget to sign your husband up on that sheet. (points to a post it note on the corner of her desk.)

Connor: (to Daria) What do you say? Wanna be my wife for a week?

Daria: Depends. Will I get to keep the house? (Connor smirks)

[Mack just smirks and shakes his head. Jodie sees him and senses something's up. She looks at him and he quickly collects himself and pretends he didn't see anything.]


Scene 2


Lawndale High Courtyard/After school/Monday

[Jane, Daria, and Connor are standing around on the hill. Connor's holding the marriage envelope and sifting through the sheets inside.]

Connor: (sarcastic) Oh goody, I'm an underpaid parking garage attendant.

Jane: Hey, at least you get to see all the weird stuff people hang from their mirrors.

Connor: (raises eyebrow) Were you dropped on your head as a child?

Jane: (looks considering) You know...I can't really remember. (perks up) So what are you Daria?

Daria: (looks at the sheet in Connor's hand, heavy sarcasm) Joy, I'm a highly paid corporate executive with a handsome young male secretary and no time for my husband.

Jane: (raises an eyebrow) That's interesting.

Connor: You're not gonna run off with your secretary, are you?

Daria: Depends on if I like his house better. (Connor smirks)

Jane: Did I miss something?

[Jodie and Mack walk up to them. Jodie's going through their envelope.]

Jodie: Hey guys.

Jane: You too huh?

Jodie: Yeah. (reads from the employment sheet) I'm the owner of a highly successful law firm.

Connor: Not bad.

Jane: What about you Mack?

[Mack mumbles incoherently.]

Daria: What?

Mack: (bitter) A grave digger ok. I dig graves.

Connor: I'm beginning to see a trend here.

Daria: Beginning to?


Scene 3


Lane House/After school/Monday

[Coal Chamber, "Tyler's Song" plays in background.]



Lane House, Jane's room/After school/Monday

[Daria is sitting at the foot of the bed, Connor is sitting on the floor beside the bed with the envelope, Jane is painting a parody of the one with the old farmers, only with Daria and Connor.]

Connor: (reading from one of the papers) Woah. Did you know we lived in a Victorian house in the Hamptons?

Jane: Flashy. Are you sure Daria doesn't just keep you in the basement? (Connor glares at her) What? This is Ms. Barch that we're talking about here.

Connor: If my science grade didn't depend on it, I'd toss these through a paper shredder and make you a paper mache muzzle.

Daria: (raises an eyebrow) That's creative.

Jane: Unfortunately, you would fail.

Daria: Actually, you'll probably fail anyway.

Connor: Right. Because Ms. Barch is the anti-christ. (Daria smirks)

Jane: But Daria would fail.

Daria: I could just say he went into a jealous rage and beat me. (Connor smirks)

Jane: And then in court he pleaded insanity.

Daria: Unfortunately Helen was prosecuting attorney.

Jane: Causing him to receive life without parole. (Daria smirks.)

Daria: Wonder if we could pull that off...

Connor: Don't even think about it.

[Trent comes in, looking for money again probably.]

Trent: Hey Janey, Daria, uh...guy.

Connor: Connor.

Trent: Right. (sees the envelope with papers all over the place) What's with that stuff?

Daria: Human development assignment for Barch.

Trent: I had to do that. I think. Got paired up with some nerd.

Jane: (not looking up from the painting) Who you later dated for two weeks.

Trent: I did?

[Jane rolls her eyes. Daria and Connor exchange glances.]

Trent: So, you two a couple?

Daria: Just for the assignment.

[Connor looks a little rejected but collects himself quickly and no one notices.]

Trent: Cool.

[Tom enters and knocks on the side of the door.]

Tom: Hey. Your door was unlocked and no one was answering so I let my self in.

Jane: The door's always unlocked and no one ever answers.

Tom: True.

[Trent turns to leave.]

Trent: Hey Tom. (leaves)

Tom: Later. (sees the papers and stuff) Human development?

Daria: (sarcastic) How did you guess?

Tom: Had the same assignment at my school.

Jane: (raises an eyebrow) Oh really?

Tom: Yeah. Of course, I wasn't there the first day so I didn't have to do it.

Daria: I hate you.

Tom: Yeah, I know.


Scene 4


Sidewalk/Late afternoon/Monday (snowing a little bit, flurries)

[Connor's walking Daria home...again...]

Connor: So, where are we working tonight? (holds up a big handful of papers) We need to fill out all of these.

Daria: Might as well do it here. Quinn's having the Fashion Club over for a meeting. I'll be stuck in my room all night anyway.

Connor: (confused) Why?

Daria: Fashion Club. Inside the house. I'm not Quinn's immediate family, remember.

Connor: (rolls his eyes) How does your sister look at herself in the mirror?

Daria: She can't. She has no reflection. (Connor smirks)

Connor: I still don't understand how she can do that.

Daria: It's a sibling thing. I stay out of her way, she gives me twenty bucks.

Connor: Well when you put it that way.

[They approach Daria's house. Jake's been working on the decorations and there is now a row of plastic candy canes up each side of the driveway. Lights lining the roof and gutter. Not to mention the door, windows, etc. There is a plastic snowman in the front yard, and wreaths galore.]

Daria: Oh god.

Connor: (raises an eyebrow) Shouldn't the house be made out of gingerbread?


Scene 5


Morgandorffor House/Late Afternoon/Monday

[Quinn is sitting on the couch reading "Waif" Jake is sitting in the chair reading the newspaper, Helen is in the kitchen. Daria and Connor walk in the front door. Quinn sees them.]

Quinn: Mom! Daria and her boyfriend are here.

Daria: (slightly irritated) For the last time Quinn, it was not a date!

Quinn: Whatever.

Daria: It was a ploy for your humiliation.

Quinn: Uh huh, sure Daria.

[Connor looks slightly amused. Helen enters.]

Helen: Why hello...Connor was it?

Connor: Yeah. Good afternoon Mrs. Morgandorffor.

Jake: (actually looks up from the paper and notice something's going on, and knows what it is!) Connor! Hey my man.

Connor: (slightly rolls his eyes) Hey, Mr. Morgandorffor.

[Daria is in a bit of shock that Jake actually remembered someone's name.]

Helen: Daria, you're little boyfriend can stay for dinner if he'd like.

Daria: (very irritated) For the last time, it was not a date, and we are not going out. Okay? Good. (goes upstairs)

[Connor shrugs and follows.]

Helen: (to Quinn) You know she's lying.

Quinn: Oh, definitely.


Scene 6


Morgandorffor House, Daria's room/Late Afternoon/Monday

[Daria's sitting at her computer typing something, Connors just walking around the room. The papers are spread out over the bed. Obviously they're taking a break.]

Connor: (now standing at the window) You know, you shouldn't have filed the bars.

Daria: (still looking at computer screen) I didn't. The old owners did before they left.

Connor: Well in that case...(notices how fixated on the computer Daria is and walks over) What are you doing on there anyway?

Daria: Just looking for anything new at

Connor: Don't they have just about every book in print?

Daria: Not even close. That's a near impossibility.

Connor: (notices the book she has up on the screen) Cool. Poe.

Daria: Limited edition. Completely unabridged. Hardback version, leather bound. Complete with biography.

Connor: A real treasure.

Daria: And it would take one to buy it. (shows him the price)

Connor: Woah. What is it, hand written?

Daria: No. Just one of only five hundred in print.

Connor: No one on earth could afford that.

Daria: I'm almost there. Another two years maybe. (beat) If I dip into my collage fund.(Connor smirks)

Connor: You'd pay that much for a book?

Daria: (sighs) Probably not. (shuts down the computer)


Scene 7


Morgandorffor House, Living Room/Evening/Monday

[Quinn and the Fashion Club are sitting around the coffee table with all sorts of fashion magazines and what not, you know how they are. Daria and Connor start down the stairs. Stacy is the only one who notices, and diverts her attention to them, eavesdropping or something, but not in the sense. You know what I mean. Daria stops.]

Connor: (notices Daria stopped) What?

Daria: You go ahead. I think I'll keep my distance from the snake pit.

Connor: (smirks) Hey, at least they aren't actual pythons.

Daria: No, they're much worse. (Connor smirks)

Connor: (shy mode) So uhh... you wanna come over to the apartment? Get away from them?

Daria: Can't. History essay.

Connor: Oh yeah. When's that due?

Daria: Thursday.

Connor: (eyes widen) Uh oh.

Daria: What?

Connor: I forgot all about that. I better go start it. How about you come over tomorrow after school? Change of scene.

Daria: Alright.

Connor: Cool. So...I'll see you tomorrow.

Daria: Yeah. See ya.

[Connor leaves through the front door and Daria goes back upstairs. Stacy has heard and seen the whole thing, and gets that considering look.]


Scene 8


Lawndale High/Lunch/Tuesday

[Everclear, "Father of Mine" plays in background.]



Lawndale High, Hallway/Morning/Tuesday

[Daria, Jane, and Connor are standing at Daria's locker.]

Jane: So how goes the marriage?

[Connor and Daria roll their eyes.]

Jane: What? (Daria and Connor stare at her) C'mon, what? (they roll their eyes) What?!

[Jodie and Mack come up to them. Jodie is holding an the egg wrapped in a blanket and everything. (poor, poor overachievers...)]

Jane: See, they even have a kid and everything. How come you two can't get into it like that?

Daria: Because we have common sense. (Connor smirks)

Jodie: (rolls her eyes) Very funny Daria.

Jane: So what's with the egg anyway?

Jodie: I have to miss Ms. Barch's class this afternoon.

Mack: Lucky.

Jodie: I got our envelope early. So now we have to take care of this (holds up the egg) for the rest of the week as if it was our own kid.

Mack: At least it can't talk.

Jane: You're not going to teach it?

Daria: It's an egg, Jane.

Jane: I know! Wouldn't that be cool?

[The others stare at her.]

Jane: What?


Scene 9


Morgandorffor house/After School/Tuesday

[Full Devil Jacket, "Wanna Be a Martyr" plays in background.]



Morgandorffor House, Daria's room/After School/Tuesday

[Daria is seated at the computer, Jane's on the bed sketching, Connor is standing beside the computer desk.]

Connor: You live at that thing, don't you?

Daria: (concentrating on something) Mm.

Connor: You're gonna strain your eyes if you're on there too long.

Daria: (oblivious) Mm.

Connor: (walks over behind her) What are you doing on there?

[The screen shows that Daria is once again at looking at the unabridged Poe book.]

Daria: Trying to calculate how many lifetimes it's going to take to be able to afford this.

Jane: (not looking up from her sketch) Why not just ask Helen or Jake for the money? They give Quinn their gold card on a weekly basis.

Daria: They wouldn't give me money for this. It's useful.

Connor: Isn't that neglect?

Daria: No. It's playing favorites.

Connor: Oh.

Daria: Besides, not even Quinn's clothes cost this much.

Jane: (gets up and walks over) How much is that thing anyway?

[Daria points to the price on the screen.)

Jane: (eyes widen) Wouldn't it be cheaper just to by something else? Like a country?

Connor: (looks at his watch) I gotta go. Mom's actually going to be home tonight. At least she said she's going to be home.

Daria: (shuts down the computer) If she's anything like Helen she'll be on her cell phone all night.

Connor: (shrugs) She'll probably have someone over and make me stay in my room all night. Doesn't like me doing stuff that interferes with her job. Like breathe.

Jane: I better get home, too. Trent had (finger quotes) "practice" all night last night. He's probably got a hangover.

Connor: What's that have to do with you?

Jane: Gotta play stereo. Loudly. (Connor smirks)


Scene 10


Morgandorffor House, Living Room/Late Afternoon/Tuesday

[Helen is pacing back and forth on her cell phone. Jake's sitting on the couch reading the newspaper. Quinn's walking back and forth complaining.]

Quinn: But mu-om! I raised my grade by a point!

Helen: You're not going on a date on a school night. That's final. (into phone) What? No! Not you Eric. What? No, I don't care if you go on a date on a school night. Yes, yes I know. I'll get started on the briefs right away. Of course I have the time, Eric. Yes, I'm sure no one will be getting in the way. Everyone has other plans, anyway.

Quinn: (beams) So I can go?

Helen: (nods, shoeing her away) Of course, Eric. You go to that dinner, I'll make sure all the reports are finished. Ok. (hangs up, angry) I swear! That Vikki is going to steal my job! (storms off)

[Jane, Daria, and Connor have been at the foot of the stairs and have seen the whole thing. Connor's holding the as of yet unopened envelope by the way.]

Jane: Woah. It's not safe to be on Helen's bad side. I feel sorry for Vikki.

Connor: You feel sorry? That's my mom.

Jane: Tough break.

[Helen reenters with a very large file folder and a briefcase.]

Helen: (sees Daria) Daria, you can get your own dinner right? I'm just too busy.

Daria: Of course. I'll just call Rent-a-Rec and...

Helen: (not in the mood) Daria..

Connor: (sensing an argument) That's okay Mrs. Morgandorffor. She can come with me if she wants.

Helen: Alright, good. (goes into the kitchen and dumps the papers all over the table)

[Daria sighs and the three of them leave.]


Scene 11


Apartment Building/Early Evening/Tuesday

[Orgy, "Dissention" plays in background.]



Connor's Apartment/Early Evening/Tuesday

[Connor opens the door and he and Daria enter. His mother, Vikki, is on seated on the couch beside Eric.]

Connor: (to Daria) Told you. (to Vikki) Hey, mom.

Vikki: (startled) What? Oh, hello Connor. Son, do you think you could...

Connor: (already knows what she's going to say) Stay in my room this evening? You're discussing business and can't have any interruptions. Sure mom.

Vikki: Thanks hun. So, anyway, Mr. Schrector...

Eric: Please, Eric.

Vikki: Okay, Eric. About the...

Connor: (to Daria) Come on.


Scene 12


Connor's Apartment, Connor's Room/Evening/Tuesday

[Connor's sitting on his bed, looking a little upset, but not much. Daria's sitting in the computer chair, but it's over beside the bed. She looks like she knows the feeling.]

Connor: Is your mother ever like that?

Daria: Only when she's awake. But she's either at the office or on her phone. Never actually brings anyone over.

Connor: Yeah. My mom doesn't usually. Unless it's to try to find a way to get out of town.

Daria: Why's that?

Connor: I guess she doesn't like the responsibility of raising a kid.

Daria: (shrugs) Maybe she just wants the best for you. That's the excuse Helen always uses.

Connor: (starting to get a bit bitter) If she wanted the best for me she would be around when I needed her to be instead of always working.

Daria: (that hit close to home, so naturally she changes the subject) What about your father?

Connor: Mom got full custody. He has visitation but he never comes for it.

Daria: I thought you said he had the best team in the city?

Connor: (bitter) He did. He didn't need the responsibility. At least that's what they said. He just didn't want me around because I'm a disappointment to him.

Daria: You?

Connor: I don't play sports, I don't date cheerleaders, and I don't want to be like him.

Daria: Oh.

Connor: (looks over at her) Do your parents ever think you're a disappointment?

Daria: (shrugs) Maybe. If they thought about me at all.

Connor: Why would they think that?

Daria: Seeing how Quinn's probably going to be the homecoming queen someday. That, and whenever she makes a C she gets the credit cards.

Connor: But you have a perfect grade point average.

Daria: (shrugs) Does that matter?

Connor: (sighs) Apparently not.

[Daria goes through some papers from the envelope.]

Daria: Well on a lighter note, you just got fired from the parking garage.

Connor: (smirks) Good. I hated that job. (Daria smirks)


Scene 13


Pizza King/Evening/Tuesday

[Jane and Tom are sitting in a booth in the corner.]

Tom: So where's the rest of the gang?

Jane: (seems a tad bitter) At Connor's.

Tom: Cool.

Jane: I suppose.

Tom: What?

Jane: I don't know. This still just seems weird.

Tom: (shrugs) It's different. But not weird.

Jane: It's weird.

Tom: (sighs) We've been through this whole thing before. Daria's finally found someone else she can relate to, so you don't have to feel guilty whenever we're out. But yet, they're all you can manage to talk about.

Jane: Yeah. You're right.

Tom: Of course I am. (Jane smirks)



Pizza King/Evening/Tuesday

[Jodie and Mack are in a booth on the opposite side of the room.]

Jodie: (referring to Tom and Jane, who they've been watching) Wonder what they're talking about.

Mack: My money lies on Daria.

Jodie: Probably. She has been spending a lot of time with Connor.

Mack: They're probably working on the assignment.

Jodie: Yeah, more than likely. (kidding) Maybe she likes him.

Mack: (misses the kidding part) Or vise versa.

Jodie: What?

Mack: (realizes he said something) Uh...nothing.

Jodie: You know something don't you?

Mack: Me? I don't know a thing.

Jodie: (disbelief) Uh huh.


Scene 14


Lawndale High, Mr. O'Neil's Room/Morning/Wednesday

[Mr. O'Neil is in front of the class discussing something. Jane is sketching, Daria and Connor are just sitting there.]

Mr. O'Neil: So, you see class, what Poe meant was that the beating of the heart really signified love and friendship.

Connor: (to Daria) Was this before or after it was torn out of the victim's body and buried in the floorboard?

Mr. O'Neil: Perhaps you got a different impression, umm (checks chart) Connor. Why don't you share with the rest of the class?

Connor: Alright. It's simple; what Poe really wanted the heart to symbolize was the ironic conclusion. The heartless murderer was forced into confession by the throbbing of a heart. He wanted to show that a person can be persuaded by their own madness, so he buried a throbbing human heart under the floorboard.

Mr. O'Neil: Very....interesting perspective.

Connor: (continuing) That also provides for a very entertaining party game. (Daria and Jane smirk, Mr. O'Neil sits at his desk with his head in his hands)


Scene 15


Lawndale High, Hallway/Lunch/Wednesday

[Daria, Jane, and Connor are standing at Jane's locker, she's messing around with art supplies and what-not.]

Daria: You know, this whole marriage thing hasn't been a learning experience. It's been an inconvenience.

Connor: I think that was the point.

Daria: At least we don't have to take care of an egg. (beat) Yet.

Connor: Yeah, that would be a pain.

Daria: That would be the purpose of it. To be like a real newborn.

Connor: Oh no. Real babies are at least entertaining. (beat) Look at Jane. (Daria smirks)

Jane: (muffled by her head being inside the locker) I heard that.

[Jodie and Mack come around the corner. Mack's carrying the egg, and Jodie has one of those fold up strollers.]

Connor: (sees the stroller) What in the...

Jodie: (rushing) For the assignment. Can't talk. Council. (Jodie exits, Mack stays)

Jane: (who is almost toppling over with supplies) Well that certainly was...

Daria: No different that what always happens at Lawndale.

Jane: Well...yeah more or less. (to Daria) I need your help.

Daria: You're beyond help.

Jane: In the art lab, funny gal.

Daria: Right. (takes a few supplies)

[Daria and Jane leave, Connor watches them.]

Mack: Why don't you just tell her?

Connor: (sighs) I can't.

Mack: I don't see why not.

Connor: You don't understand. I have a very bad track record.

Mack: So?

Connor: The only girl I ever remotely liked moved to Mexico.

Mack: What does that have to do with anything?

Connor: To get away from me.

Mack: Oh.


Scene 16


Pizza King/After School/Wednesday

[The Offspring, "Beheaded" plays in background.]



Pizza King/After School/Wednesday

[Daria, Connor, Jane, and Tom are sitting in a booth along the wall. They aren't actually eating anything, just having a coke, or Pepsi...whatever.]

Jane: (in the middle of a joke) then the zebra puts on the beanie and the lion says...

Connor: (bored) Something that will make the zebra say something that the lion comes back to and drags this joke on for the rest of eternity. Does this even have a punchline?

Jane: Well maybe if I ever got to finish.

Daria: We'd need four lives for you to finish a joke, Jane.

Tom: Not really. She finished one once in two days. (beat) But it wasn't funny.

Jane: Fine, fine. No more jokes.

Daria: Thank God.

Jane: You all have no sense of humor.

Connor: Oh, we have a great sense of humor. You don't. (Daria smirks)

[Tom sees something out of the corner of his eye and looks over.]

Tom: Uh guys...

Jane: What?

[Tom points to the door where Jodie and Mack enter. Jodie's pushing a stroller with their egg in it. Mack looks uncomfortable. Daria, Connor, and Jane look over. All four look at each other a second then start laughing historically. (Yes even Daria, come on, wouldn't you?)]




Scene 1


Morgandorffor House/Evening/ Wednesday

[ Godsmack, "Voodoo" plays in background.]



Morgandorffor House, Kitchen/Evening/Wednesday

[Everyone's sitting at the table. Helen's on her cell phone, Jake's reading the paper, Quinn's doing...I don't's Quinn...reading Waif for the fourth time? Daria's just sitting there.]

Helen: (arguing into the phone) No, I said I will not plea bargain! What? That's not an offer, that's a joke! Excuse me? I said that we will handle this in court! Not at my dinner table! What's that? Well now that's more like it! I'll be right there. (hangs up her phone and grabs her briefcase) Got to go. Huge offer. Don't know when I'll be back. (leaves)

Quinn: (watches Helen leave) Well, now that she's gone I can go call Brett and tell him we're on. (leaves)

[Daria looks at Jake a second, then leaves]

Jake: (looks up from the paper) Where'd everybody go?


Scene 2


Connor's Apartment, Living Room/Evening/Wednesday

[Connor's mother is gathering together a bunch of papers and what-not. Connor's standing behind the couch.]

Connor: But mom, you promised you'd help me with my history paper.

Vikki: I'm sorry, Connor. We just got a huge settlement offer.

Connor: But mom, my paper's due tomorrow.

Vikki: I'm sure you can come up with something. I know you can write.

Connor: Not essays mom.

Vikki: Just apply yourself okay? I have to run. This offer will fall through if I'm not there. (under her breath) Damn that Morgandorffor.

Connor: But...

Vikki: I'm sorry, Connor. You understand.

Connor: Yeah. (she leaves, Connor looks a little upset, not much) I understand...


[Connor enters his room and shuts the door. He starts to boot up his computer, but then turns away. He opens a desk drawer and takes out a black folder, black composition book, and pen. He then walks over to the closet and opens the door. He reaches in and takes something out, but we can't see what it is.]


Scene 3


Lawndale High/Morning/Thursday

[Static X, "Push It" plays in background.]



Lawndale High, Mr. DiMartino's Room/Morning/Thursday

[Daria, Jane, and Connor are in their respective seats, Connor looks a little depressed, but does a fairly good job trying to hide it. Daria has nearly the same look, just a bit more hidden. Jane knows something's up and keeps glancing at the two of them. Mr. DiMartino's in front of the class.]

Mr. DiMartino: I assume you all have your ESSAY that I asSIGNED you Monday. (Connor's eyes suddenly widen) Please pass them FORward.

[Daria turns to Connor, who shakes his head.]

Daria: You don't have it?

Connor: (slightly depressed tone, keeping it fairly hidden) No. I never got started. Essays aren't really my forte, and my mom never had the time to help.

Jane: (turns her head to the side) Could've had Daria help.

Connor: Really?

Daria: Sure. Why not. I always have time.

Connor: (hint of a smile) I'll remember that.


Scene 4


Lawndale High, Hallway/Before Lunch/Thursday

[Connor's holding an egg in a basket. Jane's carrying and easel, Daria's carrying her paint.]

Jane: So you two have your own little bundle of joy now? (Connor and Daria glare at her) Aw come on, get into it a little.

Connor: Thank God this thing's due tomorrow.

Daria: No kidding.

Jane: What was the purpose of that anyway?

Connor: To experience what it's like to be married, and now, have a kid.

Daria: (glances offscreen to "Hash") And to provide a nonexistent plotline.

Jane: Why is the kid an egg? You can always buy eggs if you break it.

Connor: Not enough money in the school budget for those annoying electronic dolls.

Daria: And the real thing would be illegal.

[Jane smirks. Jodie and Mack walk up to them. Mack has his backpack on, with the egg in it obviously.]

Jane: What? No stroller?

Mack: Funny.

Jodie: Okay, okay. So maybe I got a little too into the assignment.

Daria: Maybe?

Mack: A little?

Connor: Teapot? (the others look at him) What? (beat, points to Jane) She gets to make lame puns!

[The others sigh and roll their eyes. They come to the art room.]

Jane: (motions toward Daria) This is us. (heads into the art lab) Now, if you'll excuse me...

Daria: There is no excuse for you. (the others smirk)

Jane: (OS) Just bring the damn paint.

Daria: (drags her leg, ala Egor) Yes, master. (everyone tried to hold in a laugh)

[Daria and Jane are both in the art lab, Jane closes the door.]

Jodie: (a little surprised) What's with her?

Connor: Huh?

Jodie: Daria. She seems to be...

Mack: Using lighter humor?

Jodie: Exactly. (looks at her watch) Uh oh, I've got to get to Student Council. Later. (leaves)

[Connor and Mack walk to the corner or the hall and stop.]

Mack: Are you ever gonna tell her?

Connor: (sighs) I already told you, I can't.

Mack: You're gonna have to. Jodie knows something up. She'll figure it out.

Connor: She wouldn't tell her. (eyes widen) Would she?

Mack: Jodie wouldn't, no. But it wouldn't be that hard for Jane to piece it together.

[Connor slides down the wall and sits on the floor.]

Connor: I'll just let it lie for now. She probably likes someone else anyway.

Mack: (shrugs) Wouldn't that be more the reason to tell her? Before someone else does?

Connor: (considers, then shakes his head) I can't. (beat) She could never survive in Mexico.

[Mack shakes his head.]


[Stacy, who is standing around the corner and overheard the whole thing. She smirks.]


Scene 5


Lawndale High, Art Room/Lunch/Thursday

[Jane is painting something we can't see. Daria's sitting on one of those high stools beside her. She tilts her head to the side.]

Daria: You know, from the right angle, it looks kind of like Quinn being ripped apart by tigers.

Jane: Ah yes. However, to good to be true.

Daria: What's this supposed to be anyway?

Jane: Abstract. Nothing. Just a deep look into my emotional void.

Daria: (pushing her glasses down off her eyes, you've seen art critics do it) Void where prohibited.

Jane: Ha ha, aren't we the comedian this afternoon. Something happen at home? Find out Jake's not your real dad?

Daria: If only.

Jane: So what's up?

Daria: What?

Jane: Why are you so damn chipper lately?

Daria: Huh?

Jane: You're using light hearted humor.

Daria: So?

Jane: You laughed.

Daria: Jodie was pushing an egg in a stroller.

Jane: (says like it's a sin) Yes, and you laughed.

Daria: So did you.

Jane: Ah but I am an artist. I am allowed to show all emotion.

Daria: Except understanding.

Jane: (a tad confused) What?

Daria: I rest my case.


Scene 6


Lawndale High, Hallway/After Lunch, Before Class/Thursday

[Daria and Jane are standing at Daria's locker. Connor comes walking up to them with egg yolk on his face and hair and an empty basket. (You knew that was good for something, didn't you?)]

Daria: What the...

Connor: (pissed) Your sister and her damn friends.

Jane: What happened?

Connor: Apparently trying to get an education in school is a crime.

[Jodie and Mack walk up to them and stare at Connor.]

Mack: What in the...

Jane: Quinn and the Fashion Nazis.

Jodie: What did they do?

Connor: Well I just walking down the hall to come here...


[Dissolve to flashback mode. (I love flashback mode)]


Lawndale High, Hallway/Lunch/Thursday

[Sandi, Quinn, Tiffany, and Stacy are standing beside the lockers and see Connor walking down the hallway.]

Quinn: Ugh. Black on black is so over.

Tiffany: Tall spikes....that is sooo wrong...

Sandi: Say, Quinn, isn't he that guy that your cousin or whatever is dating?

Stacy: Actually they aren't dating. They wanted to embarrass Quinn, but I think he li...

[Sandi gives Stacy the look of death, she immediately shuts up.]

Sandi: Perhaps we should show him the other side of humiliation, right Quinn?

Quinn: (a little uncomfortable) Oh, definitely...

[Sandi whispers something to Quinn. She looks uncomfortable, but nods in agreement. Connor walks past in a b it of a hurry, but it tripped "on accident" by Quinn. The basket with the egg flies up into the air and lands upside down on his head, smashing the egg all over him. The Fashion Club (except Stacy) laugh, as do a few miscellaneous students watching.]


[Back at present.]


Lawndale High, Hallway/After Lunch, Before Class/Thursday

[Mack, Jodie, and Jane have looks of disgust. Daria just looks ticked.]

Mack: I don't believe that.

Jodie: Yeah, that's totally mean. Even for them.

Jane: (shrugs) Turn about fair play. (the others stare at her) What? (knows that was wrong) Those bastards! We must get revenge.

Daria: (a bit ticked off) Quinn just cost me my perfect average. This is going to take more than revenge.

[Jodie and Mack look a bit frightened.]

Jane: Looks like there's a storm coming.

Daria: No. Worse.

[Everyone looks a little frightened.]

Daria: (notices) Relax. I won't hurt her. (opens her locker) Just blackmail her into telling Ms. Barch what she did.

[She takes out two medium sized, rectangular pieces of paper. Connor looks over her shoulder.]

Connor: Are those...

Daria: Yep.

[The others smirk.]


Scene 7


Lawndale High, Courtyard/After School/Thursday

[Staind, "Crawl" plays in background.]


[Quinn is talking to Stacy in front of the school sign.]

Quinn: What?!

Stacy: It's true. I over heard it.

Quinn: You're kidding?

Stacy: No.

Quinn: There is no way someone can like my sis...uh cousin.

Stacy: (rolls her eyes, obviously knows Quinn's lying about the cousin thing) I'm serious.

Quinn: He must've been talking about someone else.

[Daria, Jane, and Connor walk up to them.]

Quinn: (notices them) What?

Daria: (shows Quinn the two pieces of paper, her eyes widen) We need to talk.

Quinn: Um Stacy, you better go. This is important. They uh...need a donation for a charity of some kind.

Jane: So she wants to remain anonymous.

Stacy: She probably wants to be left alone.

[Connor laughs.}

Jane and Stacy: (in unison) What?

Connor: Do you realize you two just quoted the Muppets?

[Jane and Stacy look at each other for a second, then turn around and leave in opposite directions.]

Daria: Now Quinn.

Quinn: Where did you get those?!

Daria: You'd be amazed how easy it is to get a birth certificate copy from dad.

Quinn: What do you want?

Daria: Confess.

Quinn: Huh?

Connor: Tell Ms. Barch what you did.

Quinn: Are you out of your mind? I can't get detention!

Daria: (death glare) You cost me my average. And if you don't fess up, I'll cost you your popularity.

[Quinn looks very nervous.]


Scene 8


Apartment Building/After School/Thursday

[Korn, "Somebody, Someone" plays in background.]



Connor's Apartment, Connor's Room/After School/Thursday

[Connor is sitting in the computer chair, Jane's on the floor, and Daria's on the bed.]

Jane: (looking through a pile of sketches) These are pretty good. You draw them?

Connor: Me? No way.

Jane: Then who's are these?

Connor: (immediately gets a tad depressed) They were a friend's.

Daria: (looks over Jane's shoulder) Talented friend.

Connor: Yeah she was.

Daria: Was?

Connor: (turns away and looks at the floor) Don't wanna talk about it...

Daria: (understands) That's alright.

[There's a slight knock at the door. Connor gets up and opens it.]

Connor: Hey mom.

Vikki: Just wanted to let you know I'm home. Brought a pizza for your dinner. Have to get back to the office. That damn Morgandorffor's gonna screw everything. (notices Daria and Jane) Oh. You have friends. Care to introduce?

Connor: Uh...sure. That's Jane.

Jane: Yo.

Vikki: Hello there Jane. Hm..she looks a bit like that friend of yours...Tori was it?

Connor: (depressed again) Uh..yeah mom...

Vikki: Great kid.

Connor: You've already met Daria.

Vikki: Yes that's right. Hello again. Well, have to run. Bye sweetie.

[Daria and Jane exchange glances and smirk. Connor blushes.]

Connor: Um bye mom.

[Vikki leaves. Connor shuts the door and turns to face Daria and Jane.]

Daria and Jane: (in unison) Sweetie?

[Connor blushes.]


Scene 9


Morgandorffor House/Evening/Thursday

[Helen is rushing around collecting papers and what-not. Daria enters through the front door.]

Helen: Oh, hello Daria. Can't stay. Big error in the case. (bitter) That damn Vikki thinks she can just waltz right in here and steal my job. We-hell I'll show her. (reality boost) But some other time. (starts to leave) Oh, your father's having dinner with a client and Quinn's with one of her little friends. Have fun, bye bye. (leaves)

Daria: Hello mom. How was your day?


Scene 10


Connor's Apartment, Living Room/Evening/Thursday

[Caroline's Spine, "Monsoon" plays in background. Connor is sitting on the couch. he's in his normal clothes except without the jacket, so we can see he wears a white thermal shirt under the black t-shirt. He's holding the TV remote and flipping through channels looking bored. There's a pizza box beside him with only 2/3 of a slice actually eaten. The apartment door opens.]

Connor: Hey mom.

Vikki: (in a hurry) Hey sweetie. Can't stay. (picks up a large file folder) Need to get these briefs to Eric.

Connor: Well, I just wanted to...(she leaves and closes the door)...ask how your day was. (lets out a depressed sigh and picks the remote back up. and flips through the channels. He turns off the TV and sets the remote down, looking both bored and a bit depressed. He looks over at the phone.)


Scene 11


Morgandorffor House, Daria's Room/Evening/Thursday

[Daria's sitting at her computer. She looks ready to type something, but can't think of anything. The phone rings. She gets up and walks over to pick it up.]

Daria: Hello? Hey Connor.


[Split screen with Daria and Connor.]

Connor: Hey. What's going on?

Daria: Nothing.

Connor: Not a thing?

Daria: No. It's great.

Connor: Huh?

Daria: Mom's at a meeting, dad's having dinner with a client, and Quinn's with some fashion fiend or on a date, don't know which.

Connor: So you have the house to yourself?

Daria: Yeah.

Connor: Doing anything you couldn't do with anyone there?

Daria: (sarcasm) I think I'll try making some chemical bombs and testing them in the backyard.

Connor: (smirks) Sounds fun. So what are you really doing?

Daria: Just admiring things I'd like to have but can't afford.

Connor: Poe book again?

Daria: It's a limited edition leather bound unabridged collection.

Connor: The Holy Grail of readers.

Daria: (sighs) Too bad I could afford a nuclear warhead before that.

Connor: (gets a considering look) Yeah.

Daria: So what about you?

Connor: Just enjoying some of bad TV.

Daria: Your mom at that meeting too?

Connor: Unfortunately. Her and Helen seem to have it in for each other huh?

Daria: Don't worry. She always gets like that when she feels her job is threatened, that's all

Connor: I hope. Hey, since you're not busy, want to go grab some pizza or something?

Daria: Didn't your mom bring one home?

Connor: (smirks) Yeah. But it's bad.


Scene 12


Pizza King/Evening/Thursday

[Sublime, "What I got" plays in background.]



Pizza King/Evening/Thursday

[Tom and Jane are sitting in a corner booth.]

Jane: (finishing up a joke) So the armadillo says 'but these are pants!'

Tom: (half asleep) Mm.

Jane: I'm finished.

Tom: (perks up) Oh. Great joke, Jane. Very funny.

Jane: Uh huh.


[Connor and Daria walk in the front door and see Jane and Tom and walk over.]

Jane: Well to what do we owe this pleasure?

Connor: Working mothers. (the others smirk)


Scene 13


Vitale, Davis, Horowitz, Riordan, Schrector, Schretor, and Schrector Attorney's At Law/Evening/Thursday

[Helen, Vikki and Eric are sitting at a round table with a man who looks almost identical to Wally the car guy, just with more hair.]

Helen: Look, Mr. Thomas, we're trying the best we can. But what you're asking for is unimaginable.

Vikki: We've already received an offer just as outrageous, why not just accept?

Helen: Excuse me, I have this under control.

Vikki: You can't convince him to accept. That's under control?

Helen: Are you telling me how to do my job?

[The two of them get into a very ugly, very loud argument. Eric leans back in his chair with his hands behind his head.]

Eric: (to Mr. Thomas, sounds a bit much like Upchuck right now) This is my favorite part.


Scene 14


Pizza King/Evening/Thursday

[Daria and Connor are now sitting with Jane and Tom.]

Tom: Those lawyers sure do love their jobs.

Jane: So would I if I could con people out of their life savings.

Tom: You do that already. It's called bribery.

Jane: Yes, but then I'd get paid to bribe.

Connor: Is that an oxymoron?

Daria: Something like that. (Connor smirks)

Jane: And while we're on the subject...

[The Fashion Club enters through the front doors. (you saw that coming, admit it) They all sit down in a booth at the same time. Except they send Stacy to get one of those cheeseless pizza's they always get. Daria, Jane, Tom, and Connor overhear Stacy placing the order.]

Connor: A pizza without cheese? Isn't that some kind of cult food?

Daria: I've had my suspicions. (Connor smirks)

Tom: It's bread with sauce. Not even food.

Jane: (lifts off a load of grease covered cheese from a slice of their pizza) And I suppose this is? (a big, no, huge drop of grease falls onto her plate, the others look like they're gonna throw up)

Tom: Point taken.


Scene 15


Connor's Hearse, which is driving down some street/Evening/Thursday

[Connor is driving with one had on the wheel and one on his stomach. Daria's riding shotgun. Tom and Jane are in the back. Yes, with the coffin.]

Connor: I am never eating there again.

Tom: You have to build up an immunity.

Connor: Right.

Daria: Just wipe it off with a napkin.

Connor: You'd need a case of them just to get the grease off one pepperoni. (anyone who's ever eaten at Pizza Hut knows what I mean)

Jane: But at least then you won't lose any stomach acid.

Connor: (looks even more sick) Don't...speak. (Daria smirks)


Scene 16


Lane Driveway/Evening/Thursday

[Connor's hearse pulls into the driveway. Connor gets out and opens the back. Jane and Tom crawl out and Connor gets back in.]

Jane: Thanks for the ride amigo.

Connor: Sure.

Tom: Yeah, that seven block walk would have been murder.

Jane: Very funny. Say, speaking of funny, anybody wanna hear the new joke?

Daria, Connor, Tom: (in unison) No!




Scene 1


Lawndale High/Morning/Friday

[Creed, "Higher" plays in background.]



Lawndale High, Hallways/Morning/Friday

[Daria, Jane, and Connor are standing at Daria's locker.]

Connor: (looking at the papers Daria has in hand) You're really gonna do it, aren't you?

Daria: Only if she doesn't admit.

Jane: So, basically you are gonna do it?

Daria: More or less, yeah.

[Jodie and Mack walk up to them. Mack notices the papers.]

Mack: So today's the day of reckoning huh?

Connor: Only if Quinn decides not to confess.

Jane: Which she won't.

Jodie: Why wouldn't she?

Daria: She's Quinn.

Jodie: Good point. But what are you going to tell Ms. Barch?

Connor: The truth?

[Jane, Mack, and Jodie laugh.]

Connor: What?

Jodie: Barch hate's you.

Mack: She hates all men.

Jane: She'd probably end up failing you anyway.

Connor: So you're saying I should just come up with the most outrageous story I can?

Jane: Beats the truth.

Connor: Egg. Beats. I get it.


Scene 2


Lawndale High, Mr. O'Neil's Room/Morning/Friday

[Mr. O'Neil is standing in front of the class leaning on his desk discussing the unit they'll be starting on Shakespeare next week.]

Mr. O'Neil: So, can anyone tell me what Shakespeare was trying to say when he wrote Romeo and Juliet? Kevin?

Kevin: I'm the QB!

Connor: Yes, we've established as much. Now can you tell us if you have a QBrain?

[Daria and Jane smirk.]

Kevin: Dude, there's no such thing as one of those, man!

Daria: Obviously not in your case.

[Kevin looks confused. Well, in other he normally does.]

Mr. O'Neil: What about you...umm (checks chart) Connor?

Connor: (evil grin) When he wrote Romeo and Juliet, Shakespeare was sending a message to all youth that if you fall in love, you die. Or you know, at least get permanently paralyzed or something. This point was based on his own experiences, which are very well documented in the 1998 film "Shakespeare in Love."

[Mr. O'Neil sits on his desk with his knees up to his chin and his head buried in his hands. Daria and Jane smirk at Connor.]

Connor: (shrugs) He should've learned his lesson by now.


Scene 3


Lawndale High, Hallways/Before Lunch/Friday

[Daria, Jane, and Connor are standing at Jane's locker. She is putting away her stuff and digging around for something.]

Daria: Where did you learn to make teachers cry anyway?

Connor: Just something I picked up from an old friend back home.

Daria: Same friend that did those sketches?

Connor: (a tad depressed) Yeah.

Jane: (resurfaces from the pile of junk in her locker with a can of paint and a couple brushes) Someone care to get the door?

[Connor closes Jane's locker.]

Jane: (notices Connor still has all his stuff) Problem?

Connor: Not for long. Daria, hold this. (hands his stuff to Daria)

[Connor backs away a couple steps from the locker and starts to charge at it. Daria holds out her arm to stop him. Connor stops and watches at Daria simply gives the dial a spin and easily opens the locker.]

Connor: What? How did...but that's impos...

Daria: I've been here for awhile. You learn some things.

Connor: (smirks) Except anything useful. (Daria and Jane smirk)

Jane: (to Daria) Helping out today?

Daria: No. I have to convince her highness to confess, remember?

Jane: Oh yeah. I can't miss that.

Connor: What are you doing in there anyway?

Jane: Big project. Completely confidential.

Connor: Right. (to Daria) Look, I'll just tell Ms. Barch it was all my fault. That way she'll still pass you.

Daria: That's ok. One way or another, I am getting Quinn to come clean.

Jane: (grins) What's the other?

Daria: (glancing towards Jane's paint) Oh, I'll think of something.

[Jane and Connor smirk.]


Scene 4


Lawndale High, Courtyard/Lunch/Friday

[Barenaked Ladies, "One Week" plays in background.]


[Quinn and the Fashion Club are standing on that hill in front of the school.]

Sandi: (continuous) So then, I assume tonight's meeting will be held at Quinn's?

Quinn: Of course Sandi. I do have to take my turns.

Sandi: Excellent.


[Daria, Jane, and Connor have overheard and are standing just a little ways behind them.]

Daria: Great. There's going to be a cult meeting in our home.

Jane: Early bad movie night?

Daria: Might as well.

Jane: (to Connor) Coming? Tom's going to be there and someone needs to keep Daria company. And Trent has rehearsal. (Daria glares at Jane)

Connor: Sure. (beat) What's bad movie night?


[Quinn and the Fashion Club still discussing the upcoming meeting.]

Sandi: I am assuming you have all of the affirmentioned essentials Quinn?

Quinn: Of course Sandi. It's not like we're poor or anything.

Sandi: Good. Now, come Tiffany, there is still the matter of that unsightly disorder we must take care of.

Tiffany: (has her hand over her nose) Yeah....unsightly....

[Sandi and Tiffany leave. After they are out of eye and earshot, Daria, Jane, and Connor walk up to Quinn and Stacy. Jane still has her paint.]

Daria: Now, Quinn. About that little mishap yesterday.

Quinn: What? Did you uhh...forget put down the amount I pledged?

Stacy: (rolls her eyes) Give it up Quinn. I know what's going on.

Jane: There's a shocker.

Quinn: (oblivious to Jane's remark) You do?

Stacy: (motioning to Daria and Connor) You wrecked their project. Now she's threatening to show your birth certificates to the only morons who haven't figured out the truth by now unless you fess up. (everyone stares at her in awe) What?

Connor: You're observant for a follower.

Stacy: (evil grin similar to Jane's) More than you'd think.

Quinn: Daria I told you, I can't get detention!

Daria: (takes the certificates out of her pocket) Then you can't get a date.

Quinn: (looks nervous) Can't we out an agreement? How's twenty?

Daria: Are you trying to buy me off again Quinn?

Quinn: How's fifty sound?

Daria: We're talking about my grade point average.

Quinn: Okay, okay! Seventy five! But that's it!

Connor: You don't get it, do you? She had a 4.0 before this.

Quinn: So she'll have like a three point nine or something. Next best thing.

Connor: (losing his patience) Look, Quinn! I know you don't care about grades, but your sister does.

Quinn: Not so loud!

Connor: (ignoring Quinn) You either fess up to Barch, or you'll have more than your popularity to worry about. (leaves)

[Quinn looks extremely worried and frightened. Everyone else looks a bit worried themselves, except Stacy, who knows why Connor acted like that.]

Jane: Ambitious young fellow


Scene 5


Lawndale High, Hallway/Lunch/Friday

[3 Doors Down, "Down Poison" plays in background. Connor is sitting on the floor in front of his locker looking at the floor. Jodie turns the corner and notices him. She walks over and sits next to him.]

Jodie: Something wrong?

Connor: (was spaced out, snapped back to reality) Huh? Oh I'm fine.

Jodie: You sure?

Connor: Uh...yeah, positive.

Jodie: (starts to get up) Well if you're sure...

Connor: (sighs) I just blew up at Daria's sister.

Jodie: (though VO) Works every time. (out loud) Why would you do that?

Connor: I have no idea. She was going on and on about how she couldn't get detention for telling Barch what she did, and it would ruin Daria's average and she doesn't deserve to have that happen.

Jodie: But why would you get angry at Quinn?

Connor: Because she's a shallow self centered brat. And I don't want to see all of Daria's work shot to hell because of something she did.

Jodie: (smirks) Why is that?

Connor: Because I...(catches himself) uhh...she's worked hard for it.

Jodie. (still smirking) Uh huh.

Connor: (sighs) I'm not getting out of this, am I?

Jodie: Not a chance. Spill it.


Scene 6


Lawndale High, Ms. Barch's Room/Lunch/Friday

[We see Ms. Barch's desk. The room is completely empty. The door opens and we see a shadowy figure enter. Cut to a hand placing a small, folded piece of paper on Ms. Barch's desk.]


Scene 7


Lawndale High, Hallway/After Lunch, Before Classes/Friday

[Jodie and Connor are still seated in front of his locker.]

Connor: (continuous) It's just that...I dunno...she kind of reminds me of someone I used to know. Only, y'know, cooler I guess.

Jodie: So that's why you like her?

Connor: No, that's just the reason why I went to her and Jane's table my first day. I like her because she's, I don't know, smart, funny, fun to hang around with.

Jodie: (shocked at the fun to hang around with part) Are you sure we're talking about the same Daria here?

Connor: Yeah, why?

Jodie: It's just that I never really pictured her the having fun type.

Connor: Really?

Jodie: Yes really. In fact, before you got here she just used this...dark, morbid humor. It's lightened up considerably since you got here.

Connor: Oh yeah?

[Daria and Jane turn the corner.]

Jane: Well, well ,well. What's going on here?

Jodie: (a bit startled) Oh uh, nothing.

Jane: (folds her arms) Uh huh.

[Connor and Jodie stand up.]

Jodie: I better get to Ms. Barch's room. Don't want to be late. Bye. (leaves)

Jane: (to Connor) And what were you two talking about?

Connor: Uh...nothing. No one.

Jane: Sure you weren't kid. C'mon, let's hear it. We love gossip, right Daria?

Daria: Speaking of gossip, did you hear that they may have found a brain cell in Kevin after all? (Connor smirks)

[Kevin and Brittany walk by.]

Kevin: See, babe. It's (struggles with words) isotopic transmetal or something.

Brittany: Kevvy, you're so smart.

Daria: That's the problem with gossip. It's never true. (Connor smirks)

Jane: Damn wishful thinking.


Scene 8


Lawndale High, Ms. Barch's Room/Afternoon/Friday

[Daria and Connor are sitting in their normal seats with Kevin and Brittany beside them, and Mack and Jodie behind them. Ms. Barch is standing in front of the class. She seems to be a tad bitter.]

Ms. Barch: And so, resulting from this letter (holds up the folded piece of paper) given to me by an anonymous source, this week's human development assignment is to be completely discarded as if it never even happened. (going into a Jake-like rant) Much like my own marriage. I work and slave for twenty years and he just waltz's right off with his bimbo secretary as if nothing ever happened.

Connor: (to Daria) Sounds like my dad.

Ms. Barch: As a make-up for this assignment, you are all to write an essay on the habits and developments of your own families.

[Daria and Connor glance at each other with a look that says, "Oh crap"]


Scene 9


Lawndale High, Courtyard/After School/Friday

[Caroline's Spine, "True Star" plays in background.]



Lawndale High, Courtyard/After School/Friday

[Daria, Jane, and Connor are standing in front of the school on the hill.]

Connor: You don't think that letter came from Quinn do you?

Daria: I wouldn't place money on it.

Jane: (anxious grin) So you gonna show off those certificates then?

Daria: (sighs) For all I know, it was Quinn. Even though I seriously doubt it, there's not enough evidence to back anything up.

Jane: So why not do it anyway?

Daria: Damn conscience.

Connor: (shrugs) Maybe it was her. (Daria and Jane look at with disbelief) She said she couldn't get detention right? Well, if that letter was given by an anonymous person, then there's no way someone could get the blame placed on them.

Jane: Amigo, you have a lot to learn about Princess Grace.

Connor: Are sure it's me that has something to learn?

Daria: Quinn would mix primaries during daylight before helping the sister she doesn't admit to having.

[Before Connor can come back, Jodie and Mack walk up to them.]

Mack: Lucky break, huh guys?

Connor: I'm not so sure luck had anything to do with it.

Jodie: What do you mean?

Connor: I know it may seem a little unlikely, but I think Quinn might be behind that letter.

Jane: A little unlikely? A near impossibility is more like it.

Jodie: Wait a minute, did you say you think Daria's sister Quinn wrote that letter?

Daria: Like he said, very unlikely.

Connor: (shrugs) Maybe. But I think we're about to find out. (motions towards Quinn and Stacy who are walking by. They overhear their conversation.)

Stacy: That was a really nice thing for you to do Quinn.

Quinn: Well, like I say, do unto others as you might need them to loan you money someday.

Connor: (victorious grin) Well what about that.

Jane: (in awe)

Connor: A little shallow in the reasons...but none the less.

[Connor continues to rub it in, Jodie and Mack are also standing in awe. Daria just stands there, she looks a little regretful about assuming Quinn wouldn't do something nice, but still, it's hidden to the point of barely being noticeable at all.]


Scene 10


Morgandorffor House/After School/Friday

[Rage Against The Machine, "Voice of the Voiceless" plays in background.]



Morgandorffor House, Living Room/After School/Friday

[Daria and Jane are sitting on the couch, and Connor is sitting on the floor, all watching TV.]

Guy on TV: (OS) Officer, honestly, I didn't know it was her car!

Daria: Despite the fact that she was driving it down the interstate at the time you stole it.

Jane: Maybe he's just forgetful.

[There is a sound of an SUV pulling into the driveway.]

Daria: Huh? What time is it?

Connor: (checks his watch) About 4:25.

Daria: Why is Helen home already?

Jane: Slow day at the office?

Connor: Not likely.

[Helen enters through the front door in a rush, leaving it open.]

Helen: Hello, Daria, kids, can't stay. Need to get these briefs back to Eric. Won't be home for dinner. Bye. (leaves, slamming the door)

[The three just sit there, looking at the door.]

Connor: Ok.


Scene 11


Morgandorffor House/Late Afternoon/Friday

[Daria, Jane, and Connor walk outside the front door of the house to find Quinn and the Fashion Club pulling into the driveway in Sandi's car.]

Jane: Oh look, company.

[Sandi and the rest of the Fashion Club exit the car and walk up to the door.]

Sandi: Like, Quinn's cousin or whatever, could you like, get out of our way.

[Daria, Jane, and Connor walk past them as if they weren't even there.]

Jane: Did you just hear something?

Connor: Huh?

Jane: Apparently not.

[They continue to walk down the side walk towards Jane's house. Sandi glares at them.]


Scene 12


Lane House/Early Evening/Friday

[Mystik Spiral can be heard playing a new song.]



Lane House, Basement/Early Evening/Friday

[We see Trent and the band playing a new song, no lyrics yet, just music. Jane, Tom, Daria, and Connor walk in just as the band begins to play the chorus.]

Connor: (winces) Woah, this is...uh...

Daria: Bad?

Connor: Terrible beyond human comparison is more like it.

[The band finishes the song.]

Trent: So, what'd you guys think?

Jane: Nothing new.

Tom: (to Daria and Connor) Nothing good. (they smirk)

Connor: (to Trent) Why don't you change your A to a B minor during the chorus.

Trent: (touchy about his music) What do you know about music? You're just a high school kid.

Connor: (shrugs) Just a suggestion.

[Jesse plays the chorus the way Connor suggested, it sounds remarkably better than before.]

Jesse: Woah.

Nick: Excellent!

Trent: (glares) Lucky guess.


Scene 13


Lane House/Evening/Friday

[Jane, Tom, Daria, and Connor are all up in Jane's room. Tom, Daria, and Connor are standing beside the door and Jane is on the floor going through a pile of videos.]

Jane: How about (reads the label) "Blood Thirsty Vampires"?

Tom: Watched it last time.

Jane: Oh yeah. (gets another one and reads the label) What about "The Hungry Undead"?

Connor Is there a difference between them?

Jane: Ok Mr. Choosy...what about..."The Christmas Story"?

[The three glance at each other, then stare at her.]

Jane: What?

[They roll their eyes.]

Jane: Oh...right. Jake's home decor. Point taken. That's it, I'm all out of movies. Looks like have to settle for bad TV night instead.

Daria: Oh yippee.

Connor: (coughs) I'm parched. I'm gonna get something to drink. You two want anything?

Jane: (evil grin) Oh, I can think of something Daria wants.

Daria: Watch it Lane.

Jane: What? I'm sure Trent wouldn't mind paying a visit.

Daria: Do you have a death wish today Lane?

[Tom and Connor laugh at Jane's tormenting. Jane looks up at them, then picks up a pillow and throws it at them.]

Connor: Hey! (picks up the pillow and throws it back at her, hitting her in the face.)

Jane: Oh that does it. You're messing with the wrong Lane, pal.

[Connor gets a slightly nervous look and pulls Daria in front of him and uses her as a human shield.]

Daria: What? Since when was I a part of this?

[Jane heaves a pillow towards them, but Daria blocks it out of the way, sending it crashing into a can of black paint, which then falls onto the painting she did of them.]

Connor: Cool shot.

Jane: That's it! You mess with the paint, now you must (in one of those low creepy alien type voices) die...

Connor: Uh...I think I'll go get that drink now...(practically runs out of the room.)

Tom: Uh I think I'll come along. (does run out of the room)


Scene 14


Lane House, Kitchen/Evening/Friday

[Trent is digging through the fridge when Tom and Connor come down stairs and stand behind him.]

Trent: (turns around, startled) Oh, hey guys.

Connor: Hey.

Trent: What are you doing here?

Tom: On the hunt to get us a fine beverage. But I'll settle for whatever's in here.

Trent: Hm...good one.

[Connor reaches in the fridge and gets three cans of something, you figure it out, I hate disclaimers.]

Connor: (notices that red stuff) Woah. What's that?

Trent: Cherry soda.

Connor: Looks like Kool Aid to me.

Trent: Hmm...could be.

Tom: I always thought it was ketchup.

[There is a loud sound, much like a battle cry, from upstairs. Tom, Connor, and Trent wince.]

Connor: Guess we'd better get back up there before they kill each other.

Tom: Yeah.


Scene 15


Lane House, Jane's Room/Evening/Friday

[Tom and Connor enter the room each holding two cans of whichever soda you decided it would be, to find Jane with Daria in some sort of head lock.]

Connor: (raises an eyebrow) What's going on here?

Jane: Quick! Bring me one of those, then hit her with it!

[Connor smirks and rolls his eyes.]

Connor: (to Tom) Is this normal?

Tom: (slightly amused) Yep.

Connor: (smirks and has a seat on the side of the bed) Cool.


Scene 16


Apartment Building/Night/Friday

[Metallica, "Enter Sandman" plays in background.]



Connor's Apartment, Connor's Room/Night/Friday

[Connor is sitting at his computer typing, obviously working on the essay for Ms. Barch.]

Connor: (VO) So, despite always being away, when she is around, I have notice a significant amount of growth in my mother since the divorce. I know that being a single mother is hard on her, and that she only works as much as she does to provide for me what my father refuses to.



Morgandorffor House, Daria's Room/Night/Friday

[Daria is sitting at her computer working on the same essay.]

Daria: (VO) Though there has always been a this confused heir about him, Jake does seem to pay a certain amount of attention to what happens in the house, although I don't believe he could ever fully understand it, but perhaps I sell him short.


[Split screen with Daria and Connor both working on their computers.]

Connor: (VO) I don't think that I'll ever be able to fully understand the development of a family until I get older and have my own.

Daria: (VO) However, for the time being, I do have a way of understanding through contact with someone in a fairly similar situation.

Connor: (VO) Even though we don't have an identical family, in the end...

BOTH: (VO) ...I guess it's always nice to have someone you can talk to.

[Fade back to only Connor as he shuts down his computer, leans back in his chair, and smiles.]



End Notes:

1) For starters, this whole Edgar Allen Poe book, and well, the whole Edgar Allen Poe thing in general, is definitely going to continue into later fics. Mainly because I'm such a big Poe fan.

2) Let's not forget Vikki, Connor's mother, and Helen's new arch enemy. I imagine her a fairly conservative person, but yet still able to have a good time, well, job permitting and all. I don't intend on having Helen and Vikki find out their kids are friends just yet, but when they do,'ll see.

3) Of course, you hardcore fans that don't realize this is a fanfic from a cartoon (on MTV) will probably load my inbox with hatemale at the fact that Daria seems fairly comfortable talking to Connor about family. At least, that's how it seems to me. And as for the hatemale I'll be receiving from the shippers sometime soon...well...anyone wanna see a good maiming?

4) In case you couldn't tell, Jane is still a bit uncomfortable with Daria and Connor spending so much time together, but hey, turn about fair play right?

5) The running gag with Jane and her jokes, well, to be honest this actually came from a friend of mine. No, not the idea, the telling really bad, really long jokes. Of course, I was just looking for something to take up space, so I probably won't pay any attention to this in later fics.

6) The painting Daria was helping Jane with practically every afternoon is actually a forshadow-ish thing to a future fic of mine. No, I will not give away the plot, but I can assure that it'll probably just be a filler fic.

7) The friend that Connor mentions in ACT II - Scene 8 will definitely be mentioned later. In fact, I'm planning on dedicating an entire Fic in which Connor explains this person to Daria and perhaps Jane. But, like many things, that may change.

8) Of course, now my plan to have only Mack know how Connor feels towards Daria has been shot to hell, but at least to fairly interesting characters know. Well, Quinn too, but she doesn't believe it.

9) Connor's guitar chord knowledge, we'll be seeing much, much more of that in the future. Especially in my next fic, which has the current working title, "How to Work a G-String." A bit misleading, but still good.

10) I think there was something else I wanted to comment on, but I forget. Ah well, any questions, they're always welcome, as well as any comments and suggestions you may have. Well there it is, my second fic. Personally, I'm not as satisfied with it as I would like to be, but then again, a lot of authors never like their stuff. Any questions, comments, suggestion, e-mail me. I'd love (well maybe not love exactly, but I'd like) to receive some feedback.

Oh yeah, and any plot ideas for future fics are also welcome. Thanks for reading, have a nice day/afternoon/evening/night.

Thanks again,


"No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country." - Gen. George S. Patton