"Ear's Looking At You, Kid"
A piece of Daria Fan Fiction
by Brandon League
(brnleague@aol.com)

Legalese-Daria and all her pals are owned by MTV/Viacom. I am writing this story for fun, not profit, so please don't sue me, tease me, or beat me with sticks. A)I have nothing to be sued for. B)I'm a big crybaby. and C)I bleed real easily. So that being said! Feel free to email me with any kind of input (On my Story, people! I retired from male modeling years ago!). Positive or negative remarks...you know where to send them, so what are you waiting for!

Summary-One weekend, Trent Lane catches the flu, and is miserable. Jane takes him to the doctor...who just happens to be an old friend of their brother Wind.
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(Opening Credits)
(Ends In Daria Logo, With "Ear's Looking At You, Kid" in black letters)

Scene One
(Background Music-"I Am Legend" by White Zombie)

(The scene opens on an exterior of the Lane household. It is late, well after midnight. Suddenly a familiar, black van pulls up in front. Yep, it's The Tank. The passenger side opens up and Trent Lane staggers out onto the sidewalk. It's clear that Trent has been imbibing quite a bit on, shall we say, non-prescription pharmacuticals, or maybe just a lot of beer. Anyway you slice it, he's trashed.)

Trent (slurred)-Thanks, Jess, yer a good friend. Appreciate it.

(Trent starts up the walk, thinks, and turns.)

Trent (slurred)-You think Max'll miss his van? Technically the Tank IS his, and we didn't ask if we could use it?

Jesse (V-O)-Damn, Trent, look at you! I've never seen you this wasted before! (laughs) Nah, man, last I saw of Max he was passed out on the couch in Nick's basement. You know that happens EVERYTIME he smokes weed.

Trent (slurred)-Oh yeah. Well, see you tomorrow night at practice, buddy, I'm gonna go catch some ZZZ's. I don't feel so hot. Bye, Jess.

(Trent walks toward the house, throwing a last wave over his shoulder as Jesse drives off in the Tank to parts unknown.)

Trent (slurring, unconciously digging in his ear)-That Jess, hell of a friend. (coughs) Christ, I don't feel good at all. I may just crash on the couch. (Reaches for his house key) Yeah that sounds good.

(Trent enters the house, staggers over to the couch and flops down on it face first. He's out cold almost 3O seconds later)

(Sunrise the next morning)

(We're in Jane Lane's room now. Even though it's an ungodly hour and we all know how well the Lanes handle early mornings, Jane is awake, seated on the edge of her bed. She might be awake, technically, but her brain is still in the bed. She opens the door and heads downstairs, thinking hard about the leftover chicken fingers in the fridge. Those and a glass of milk and back to bed. It IS a Saturday, after all...)

Jane (to herself)-What the hell?

(The front door is standing wide open, Trent's key still in the lock)

Jane (wide awake now, to herself)-Jesus Christ, Trent! Learn to shut a damned door. (She shuts the door)

(She sees Trent asleep on the couch)

Jane (wry smile)-At least he actually made it INSIDE the house this time.

(She puts Trent's key on the coffee table, yawns, and walks into the kitchen. Jane crosses to the fridge, takes out a plate wrapped in aluminum foil and a half gallon carton of milk and turns around RIGHT into Trent)

Jane-AHHHH!!!! (Swats Trent's arm) Dammit, don't do that Trent! You scared the hell out of me!

Trent-Sorry, Janey. (beat) Is that chicken I smell?

Jane-You never cease to amaze me, brother of mine. With your ability to sniff out food at a hundred yards, maybe you should become a super hero.

(Trent gives a noncommittal grunt)

Trent-Say Janey, do we have any aspirin or nose spray in the house, I think I'm getting the flu.

Jane (cocks her eye at Trent)-If your nose is stuffy, how the hell did you smell this chicken?

Trent (grins)-Weird, huh. (coughs)

Jane-Gee bro, you really DON'T sound so hot. I'll tell you what. Go up to my room and look in my nightstand. There should be a twenty dollar bill. Take it and go to the drugstore and get some NyQuill and some Tylenol. That should make it better, and besides if you get worse, we can always take you to a doctor.

Trent (picking his ear)-Gee Janey, thanks. (grins) Loaning money to your sickly brother, you're a dear.

Jane (grins)-Tell anyone and I'll deny it ever happened. I have an image of ruthless callousness to uphold.

Trent-Wouldn't have it any other way. (Turns and walks toward the door)

Jane (looks at the clock on the wall)-Trent, wait! It's only 7:13 a.m., the drugstore isn't..... (looks back at the foil wrapped chicken and grins) Oh well, more for me!

(Commercial Break, Jane turns around into Trent and screams in black in white)

Scene Two
(Background music-"Violence Fetish" by Disturbed)

(Jane's room, several hours later. True to her word, she returned to bed full of milk and chicken feeling strangely relaxed. She buried herself in the blankets and slept like a stone for hours. Now there is a light knock at the door)

Jane (Half asleep)-Brggrmmyynnx?

Trent (V-O)-Janey?

Jane (half asleep)-Jane no here, me sleep now.

(The door opens and Trent peers in. In the hours since we last saw him,
Trent has visibly gone from bad to worse. He's pale, and his forehead is sprinkled with sweat. He still is digging in his ear, and he flat out looks uncomfortable)

Trent-Janey? (Lightly shakes her)

Jane (half asleep)-Please Trent, let me sleep for God's sa- (gets a look at him) Trent!

Jane (now fully awake)-My God! Trent! You look like Hell sat on your face! Are you ok?

Trent (dazed)-Huh? (Picks his ear)

Jane-And why do you keep picking your ear? You've done that all morning.

Trent-Huh?

Jane (gets it)-Oh your ears are stopped up, huh? (louder) Are your ears stopped up Trent?

Trent-How'd you know?

Jane (no nonsense)-That's it young man! We are going to see the doctor, now!

(downstairs)

Jane-Let's see, where is that phone number... Trent do you remember that doctor's name that Mom used to always take us to when we got sick?
You know? The guy with the office on the second floor of the Professional Building?

Trent (Thinks)-Dr....Crews. Jack Crews.

Jane-That's the guy. (Studies phone book) And here's his office number.

(Dials, and waits.)
(A machine picks up)

Answering Machine (V-O)-You have reached the office of Doctor Jack Crews, M.D. Our office hours are 9 a.m. to 6 p.m., Mondays through Fridays...If you would like to schedule an appointment, leave your name and.....

Jane (to Trent)-I hate these damn things.

Jane (After a pause, into the phone)-Trent Lane. 555-6643.

(She hangs up)

Jane (sighs)-Well bro, it looks like you are not gonna be able to see the doc until Monday.

Trent-Dammit Janey. It feels like I have a cactus in my throat, a lake in my nostrils, and a pine cone in each ear. This weekend's gonna be hell. No way I can miss practice. The guys need me.

Jane-Now hear this Trent Lane! Until you are better, you are not going to even SAY the word "guitar". (Puts her hands on his shoulders) Do I make myself clear?

Trent (cowed)-Yes'm.

(Monday morning. It has been a rough, hellish weekend for Mr. Trent Lane. Considering that he got a grand total of 6 hours sleep in two nights, this is not a surprise. It's also been hard on Jane, who sacrificed her entire weekend to nurse Trent. That and he's kept the TV set at full volume all weekend long because his ears are so stuffy.)

(Jane is on the phone, Trent is on the couch)

Jane (on phone)-Yes, I'd like to make an appointment to see Dr. Jack Crews please. (beat) The name is Lane, Trent Lane. (beat, rolls her eyes) No, I am not Trent Lane, I'm his sister. I called on Saturday and left a message...what? There must be a mistake. Hold on. (She covers the phone with her hand and speaks to Trent) Are you ready for this, Trent? Dr. Crews is on call at Cedars Of Lawndale this week, he's not available. There's three other doctors that share an office with him, but Dr. Irby has the day off and Dr. Jellicorse is in the Virgin Islands.

Trent (Hopeful)-You said THREE, Janey?

Jane (sighs)-Yeah, there's Dr. Tipton, but....

Trent-But?

Jane-She's only been out of medical school for one month. I don't know if she has enough experience for....

Trent (interupting)-That's really sweet, Janey, but I'm kinda desperate. You have no idea how stopped up my ears are.

Jane-Are you sure, Trent?

Trent (serious)-Do it, Jane.

Jane-All right. (Into phone) Yes, seeing Dr. Tipton will be fine. (beat) 11:3O....(To Trent) Can you make it over there by yourself? Or do you need me to stay home from school the rest of the day?

(She looks over at Trent, who has suddenly fallen asleep with his mouth open.)

Jane (into the phone)-We'll be there at 11:3O.

(Commercial Break, Trent sticks his head into Jane's room in black and white)

Scene Three
(Background Music-"Sic" by Slipknot)

(We are in a doctor's office. It's your typical waiting room motif down to the cheap, unknown artwork and the bland, uninteresting magazines that no one ever reads. Jane is filling out a form and Trent, well Trent looks all but dead to the world.)

Jane (to herself)-Name? Trent Lane. Age? 23. Weight? Hmmm....(ponders Trent) about 16O. Allergies? (To Trent) Yo bro, any allergies?

Trent (weakly)-Yeah. Codeine and Strawberries.

Jane (amazed)-How do you know that?

Trent-Well, when I was 3 years old, Mom made me a birthday cake with big strawberry chunks in it, and I broke out in a rash. As for the codeine, remember when I was 12 and I stepped in that hole in the backyard and broke my foot? (Jane nods) Well the docs in the emergency room gave me some codeine. (Trent frowns) I spent the next two days throwing up.

Jane (sings lightly as she fills it in)-Memories, misty water colored memories....

Trent-Funny, Janey (coughs)

Jane (finishing)-And there we are. That should do it, now we wait.

(At this point a montage begins. A clock on the wall reads 11:25. Trent and Jane sit waiting. The clock now reads 12:OO. Still they wait. The clock reads 12:3O. Trent dozes lightly, while Jane looks really P.O'd. The clock reads 1:OO. Jane is talking to a receptionist. The clock reads 1:3O)

Jane (miffed)-I thought our appointment was at 11:3O. Doesn't this doctor give a damn?

(At the point the door to the outside opens and Kevin Thompson walks
in. As always the "QB" is accompanied by his girlfriend. That lovely but dense cheerleading sensation, Brittany Taylor. Kevin is wearing his uniform and so is Brittany. Kevin is holding his side and moaning softly.)

Brittany-Don't worry Kevvie, Dr. Crews will fix you RIGHT up. It'll be ok. (sees Jane and Trent) Jane! What are you doing here? Are you all right?

Jane-Hi Brittany. Hi Kevin. Yeah I'M fine, but my brother has the flu and a nasty ear infection to boot.

Brittany-Oh Jane, I'm sorry. I hope he gets better soon.

Jane-Yeah, Brittany, that's kinda why we're here. (Regards Kevin) What's wrong with Kevin?

Brittany (scowling)-We were having an early football practice, and that darned Jamie White sacked my Kevvie while he wasn't paying attention. Coach thinks he might have a cracked rib.

Kevin (groans)-Babe it hurts....

Brittany-Well I hope your brother gets better soon, Jane. I'm gonna talk to the receptionist and see if they can rush Kevvie back, he needs X-Rays.

Jane (to Brittany)-Good luck, Brit. (To Trent) She'll need it.

(Brittany leads Kevin over to the receptionist's window and talks with her for all of a minute. Then a door to the inner building opens up and a nurse steps out.)

Nurse-Kevin Thompson? Right this way, Mr. Thompson.

(Kevin and Brittany disappear with the nurse. Jane scowls.)

Jane (to Trent)-If I'd known that was all it took, I would have taken a ball bat to your large intestine before we left the house. (thinks a minute) Wait a minute, I thought that Dr. Crews was on duty at the hospital? I'll get to the bottom of this.

(Jane walks over and knocks on the receptionist's window)

Receptionist-Yes, may I help you.

Jane-When I called this morning to get an appointment with Dr. Crews, I was told that he was gonna be on call at Cedars Of Lawndale today, yet now I learn that he's here? What's going on?

Receptionist (shuffles some papers)-Oh I see....(to Jane) Well you see, ma'am, Dr. Crews WAS on call at Cedars today, but he only did a half day because of his heavy patient load here. Isn't that SOOOOO considerate of the doctor?

Jane (to the receptionist)-Oh yes, considerate. (To herself, V-O) Considerate like a wasp who has the good grace to paralyze a spider before she serves him to her kids.

(She walks back to Trent)

Trent-Everything ok, Janey?

Jane-Umm...fine, Dr. Tipton will be with us in a minute. (To herself, V-O) At least, SHE'S not fickle.

(With this, the inner door once again swings open and a nurse steps out.)

Nurse-Trent Lane? Doctor Tipton will see you now.

(Commercial Break, Kevin and Brittany enter the waiting room in black and white)

Scene 4
(Background music-"Questions" by Insane Clown Posse)

(We are in a standard examination room. A middle aged, graying nurse is taking Trent's blood pressure, while Jane looks on with mild interest.)

Nurse-18O over 9O, not bad Mr. Lane. (Scribbles in a chart) Now what seems to be the problem?

Trent-Ma'am, I feel horrible. My throat is scratchy and burny, my nostrils drip and run all the time, and god my ears. They're worst of all. It feels like I have a pine cone in my ears.

Nurse-Sounds to me like a standard case of the flu. Let's see. I'll take your temperature and then I'll give your chart to Doctor Tipton. She'll fix you right up, Mr. Lane.

(The nurse pulls out a auditory thermometer, wipes the tip with alcohol and sticks it in Trent's ear)

Nurse-Oh my, 1O2.4. No wonder you feel so horrible. (scribbles in a chart) Well wait right there, and Dr. Tipton will be with you shortly.

(Nurse leaves)

Jane (sympathetic)-Poor Trent.

Trent (wan smile)-I appreciate this, Janey. You missing school for your sick brother. That means a lot to me, you know. I thought I was supposed to take care of my little sister and here it is the other way around.

Jane (speechless)-You'd do the exact same for me, Trent, admit it.

(Trent smiles)

Trent-I guess.....

(That's as far as Trent gets. The door opens and in walks a young woman wearing a white lab coat. She's MAYBE 2 or 3 years older than Trent, tops. She walks in seemingly without touching the floor. This is a woman who has been on the go for a long time and she's not gonna stop now)

Dr. Tipton-So, you must be Trent Lane. I'm Victoria Tipton, pleased to meet you. (Shakes Trent's hand) So Trent, what seems to be the problem?

Trent-Dr. Tipton, like I told your nurse, my throat is scratchy and burny, I have a lake at the back of my sinuses, and my ears, God, my ears are plugged up six ways from all hell. I feel like I have a pine cone in each one. Plus your nurse tells me I have a fever.

Jane-1O2.4.

(Dr. Tipton turns to Jane)

Dr. Tipton-Hello there, forgive me for being rude. You are?

Jane-Trent's sister, Jane.

(For a second, Dr. Tipton seems lost in thought, then her eyes bulge in surprise)

Dr. Tipton-Trent and Jane LANE? Oh my God! You're Wind Lane's brother and sister!

Jane-You know our brother?

Dr. Tipton-God yes! Wind was a senior at Lawndale High when I was a freshman! I had (blushes) such a crush on him! He was so friendly and I loved his blonde hair. Oh my, what's Wind up to?

Jane-Well, when Wind graduated from high school, he tried the State University thing, but in his Junior year, he got married. To his FIRST of three wives. (sighs) You see, our brother never exactly got the hang of marriage, but he's been hanged and left for dead by divorce all three times. Wind's problem was, and is, that he has abandonment issues and every time he got married, he tended to smother his wife, kinda like a butterfly in a glass jar. And every time, Wind's "wife du jour" would get fed up and leave him. So now, Wind Lane is a broken, desperate shell of a man, attempting to get the hang of marriage so maybe, just maybe, number four will last.

Trent-Don't get us wrong, we love Wind to death. But when it comes to marriage for Wind, it's a nice place to visit but he never lives there long (coughs).

Dr. Tipton-That's so sad. Wind was such a sweetheart. (blinks) ANYWAY, where were we? (Looks at Trent) Oh yes, Trent. (She pulls out a penlight) Say ahhh....

Trent-Ahhh....

(Dr. Tipton takes the light and shines it in Trent's nostrils and his ears, after both she groans unhappily)

Dr. Tipton-Well Trent, it is now official. You have the Flu. Which is accompanied by a sore throat, and severe Otitis Medina, or in layman's terms Ear Infection. Severe ear infection. But don't worry, I'm gonna fix you right up. (Pulls out a prescription pad) I'm gonna prescribe you some strong antibiotics and a specialized nose spray and a bottle of LIGHT painkillers, because you can't fool me, those infected ears MUST hurt like hell.

Trent (wan smile)-You're damn good.

Dr. Tipton-Thank you Trent, I try to be. (Hands him his prescription) I'm gonna send in my nurse to give you an antibiotic shot before you leave. It'll only sting for a minute and it will help loosen up that crap in your head.

Jane (grins)-Could you be more specific?

Trent (grins)-I heard that, witch.

Dr. Tipton (laughs)-You two are a trip! Tell Wind, "Victoria The Mighty" sends her love. He'll understand.

Jane-Ok, thanks, Dr. Tipton.

(One week later)

(Jane is in her bedroom painting. Daria is lying on her bed reading Stephen King's "It". The TV is on.)

TV announcer-What do Millard Fillmore, Zachary Taylor, Benjamin Harrison, and Warren G. Harding all have in common, and why are they all considered minor Presidents? Space Aliens In The White House, next on Sick Sad World!

Daria (to the TV)-Oh come on, certainly Ronald Reagan was on that list. (Clicks the TV off)

Jane-You'll be happy to know, that Trent is completely healed from his nasty ailments and back to butchering music the way it should be butchered with Mystik Spiral.

Daria-That's good. I missed you guys this past weekend. With Trent sick and you as his nursemaid, I had no escape from Princess Quinn and her Fashion Fiends.

Jane-Sorry about that, Daria. What do you say, Trent and I make it up to you tonight by having "Bad Movie Night" a little early? I've been meaning to rent "Night Of The Creeps." It certainly qualifies.

(Knock at the door)

Jane-Come in, Trent.

Voice (From other side)-It's not Trent.

(The door opens and to Jane's absolute shock, there stands Wind Lane with his arm around the waist of Victoria Tipton. Wind looks absolutely ecstatic, while Victoria looks completely lovestruck by this wonderful man)

Jane-Wind? What the hell are you doing in Lawndale?

Wind (chuckling softly)-It's good to see you too, Janey.

Jane (blushing)-No, I didn't mean it like that. It's just, I thought you were in New York City for the winter.

Wind-You know what, I was. Then two days ago, out of the clear blue, my phone rings and who is it, but Victoria Tipton. God I was so happy I almost cried, I hadn't seen her in what? Six years?

Victoria (playfully)-More like eight, sweetie.

Wind-Yeah, she told me how you and Trent came to her for medical treatment. How is Trent? Is he ok?

Jane (smiling)-Relax, Wind, Trent's fine. He had a touch of the flu, but he's better now. He's at Max's house with his band, they're having a late practice.

Daria (eeriely imitating Trent)-Or early, whatever.

(Jane and Wind crack up)

Jane-Wind, this is my best friend, Daria Morgendorffer. Daria, this is my big brother, Wind Lane.

(They shake hands)

Wind-Nice to meet you Daria. Any friend of Janey's is a friend of mine.

Daria-Thanks.

Wind-I just stopped by to see how my favorite sister was doing, before "Victoria The Mighty" and I take a little drive out West, maybe check out Los Angeles. Besides, I wanted to thank you Janey, for getting Victoria and I back together again after all these years.

Jane-Aww, Wind, I didn't do anything.

Wind-Yes, you did Janey, more than you know.

(Hand in hand, Wind and Victoria leave the room)

Jane (deeply touched)-You know what, Daria? I think this time, Wind's really gonna make it. They make a great couple, you know.

Daria (not serious)-Yeah, but a couple of what?

Jane (not listening)-Looks like I finally got my yenta act down pat. (softly) Good luck, Wind.

THE END

Character Makeovers-

Trent as the Marquis De Sade
Jane as Vampirella
Victoria Tipton as Xena Warrior Princess
Wind Lane as Wesley, The Dread Pirate Roberts from "The Princess Bride"
Daria as Countess Bathory
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End Notes:

Well, that is that. The second fan fiction that I have finished all the way through. As you might have guessed, a LOT of it is autobiographical as I have had HORRIBLE ear infections since about age eight. Also I just wanted it to be known that when I started this fan fiction, I had no intention of using Wind Lane in any capacity, but then the idea of matching the poor, lonely guy up came into my head and then there was no turning back. I really hoped that you enjoyed this story, because I enjoyed writing it. Let's keep the Daria universe alive in Fan Fiction, since the show has gone gracefully to TV Heaven, alongside "The Jeffersons", "Married With Children" and "All In The Family." I have no idea what will become of this story. I will submit it and I FIERCELY hope it gets printed, as it meets all of the criteria. So, before I become too mushy, just let me say...LONG LIVE OUTPOST DARIA.

Brandon "The Big B" League
2/17/O2
Somewhere In West Georgia