The Games We Play
A Daria Fan Fiction by the Alchemist
Episode #507 - Jane
DISCLAIMER – Daria and cast are wholly owned by MTV. I am merely borrowing them for the duration of this work. I try and have them back on time, but I make mistakes sometimes. What? You thought that it was MTV’s fault that they cancel Daria showings at the last minute?
Darkness. Slowly, a seam appears, and white spreads across the field of view. As the whiteness consumes the entire field of view, the camera slowly pans to reveal Jane sprawled in her bed, face down and fully dressed. After emitting a brief moan, she slowly rolls over and rubs her face.
Jane : (thought VO) Morning already? (moving slightly) Ouch.
Jane looks down for a second, then begins searching her room.
Jane : (thought VO) Now where did I put that bottle? (in Amanda’s voice) Oh Jane, you should treasure it. It’s a beautiful part of your woman-hood that should be cherished. (Back in Jane’s voice) Bullshit Mom, it hurts like hell.
Jane rummages through a drawer and removes a bottle of Advil. Opening the bottle, she takes two pills and swallows them. Closing the bottle, she throws it onto her bed. Searching the closet, Jane removes a towel and heads off to the shower.
Cut to the Lane kitchen. Jane walks into the kitchen, turning to see Jesse slumped forward in his chair, fast asleep on the table. As Jane begins to search for breakfast, she sniffs the air, and her face wrinkles in disgust.
Jane : (thought VO) God Jesse. Take a bath.
Opening the cupboard beneath the sink, Jane rummages around briefly, emerging with a can of Lysol. Walking over to Jesse, she sprays him liberally, avoiding only the hair and face. Satisfied, she replaces the can and returns to her search for food.
Jane : Well, that should hold him, for a while at least. Now where would I hide if I were breakfast?
Jane opens the refrigerator, and is surprised to find an egg sitting there.
Jane : (thought VO) An egg? (hopeful) Real food?
As Jane watches, the egg cracks open, revealing a young chicken escaping from the shell.
Jane : Figures.
Jane moves down and opens a large drawer near the floor. Reaching in, she removes a bag for Wunderbread. Looking at the bag, we notice that the bread inside is quite moldy.
Jane : (thought VO) Penicillin. Yum.
Jane drops the bread into the trash, and opens the overhead cupboards. Rummaging around a bit, she removes a can of peaches.
Jane : I guess these will have to do. Now where’s that can opener?
Fade to the front door. Jane picks up her backpack and opens the door to reveal the entire landscape covered in snow. Dropping her pack, she unzips it to remove a sketchbook.
Jane : (thought VO) I’ve got to have this. It just looks so cool.
The camera pans to show Jane’s sketchbook. Jane is drawing quickly in pencil, sketching out the landscape in front of her. Finally, Jane takes her thumb to smear a few select lines. Jane looks from the sketch to the landscape, apparently satisfied with the result. Putting the sketchbook back in her bag, she zips it up and looks at her watch.
Jane : (thought VO) Shit! I’m late!
Jane runs out the front door, closing it loudly as she leaves.
Dissolve to the exterior of Lawndale High. Jane comes running up to the front door, stopping for a second to catch her breath. Renewed, she pushes the door open and heads for her locker. In the distance, we see Daria closing her locker and starting to head to class.
Jane : (thought VO) Go on Daria. You wouldn’t want to be late…
As Jane walks up to her locker, Daria is standing nearby, waiting for Jane to arrive. As Jane begins to open her locker, Daria addresses her friend.
Daria : Mix up those time zones again?
Jane : Laugh it up funny girl. I had an … um … snow related incident.
Daria : Anything broken?
Jane : Trent’s car.
Daria : Accident?
Jane : No, but it’s broken.
Daria : Any bodily injury?
Jane : (thought VO) Wrong kind of ‘incident’ amiga …
Jane : Don’t worry, I’m fine. We’d better get to class, or we could miss the beginning of econ!
Daria : Money good, taxes bad. That’s about all you need to know.
Jane : Are you saying that you can embody all of humanity with those two statements?
Daria : Economically. For the general case, you need to add ‘sex good’ to the list.
Jane : And how would you know?
Daria : I’ve heard rumors …
Jane : Sure you have.
Cut to Mrs. Bennett’s class. Daria is seated next to Jane towards the front of the classroom. Rather than the usual X’s and O’s, there are actual economic terms on the blackboard.
Daria : Wait, are we actually learning something real about economics?
Jane : It must be something in the water.
Daria : Wild Turkey?
Jane : But doesn’t that require actual knowledge of the subject?
Daria : Not really. Just a good teacher’s edition.
Bennett : Class? As you should know, we’re starting are unit on monetary policies and their effect on the overall economy. Can anyone give me a concise definition of the available money supply?
As Mrs. Bennett asks, Kevin raises his hand.
Jane : (thought VO) Once again, Lawndale’s finest rear their ugly heads.
Kevin : Isn’t that, like the money in your pocket?
Jane : (thought VO) Gee, money would be nice …
Bennett : Not quite Kevin. Let’s put it another way. If the government were to print an extra $100 and give it to you, how much would the money supply increase by?
Kevin : I don’t get it.
Bennett : How much extra money would be in circulation?
Kevin : Like, none. It’s all mine, isn’t it?
Mrs. Bennett sighs and turns to Daria.
Bennett : Daria? If the government were to print and distribute an extra $100, how much would the money supply increase by?
Jane looks at Daria, noticing a look of assurance on her face.
Jane : (thought VO) Game, set, and match.
Daria : Well, let’s see. If we assume a net tax rate of twenty-five percent, a marginal propensity to spend of ninety percent, and consider a balanced rate of imports and exports, the original one hundred should result in, oh (thinking for a moment) one hundred fifty five and, um, seventy seven cents?
Mrs. Bennett looks at Daria with a surprised expression for a moment, then turns back to her notes.
Bennett : Um, yes, I think that’s about right …
Jane : (thought VO) Of course it is. That’s why you called on her.
Mrs. Bennett walks back behind her desk, and begins looking through her bottom desk drawer.
Mrs. Bennett stands up with a notebook and a box from her desk. Placing the box on her desk, she opens up the notebook and begins reading.
Bennett : Class? Today and tomorrow we’re going to be playing a game. The purpose of the game is to help you to understand monetary systems and security and commodity exchanges by simulating these systems in the classroom.
Daria : (to Jane) Do you think that they use real gas in the ovens for when we fail?
Jane : (thought VO) With current prices?
Jane : (imitating Ms. Li) Ms. Morgendorffer! Do you have any idea how much gas costs? There are far more economical ways of suicide that are much cheaper for this administration …
Daria laughs softly.
Daria : Unfortunately, its not all that far-fetched. (to Mrs. Bennett) Why exactly are we playing this game now? Shouldn’t we cover the stock exchange in class first?
Jane : (thought VO) What was that from the paper? Something about …
Bennett : Well, Ms. Li has declared this to be game week, for examining the potential of games to effectively teach scholastic concepts.
Jane : Now this wouldn’t have anything to do with the big conference on new and innovative educational initiatives announced this weekend, would it?
Bennett : You would have to ask Ms. Li about that …
Mrs. Bennett looks at the class, noticing that Daria seems to be staring blankly into space. Jane looks over, following Mrs. Bennett’s stare, and spies Daria.
Jane : (thought VO) Lost in thought. I hope she left a trail of breadcrumbs.
Bennett : Daria? Is something wrong?
As Mrs. Bennett looks on in concern, Daria slowly raises her head to look her in the eye.
Daria : How much is the grant?
Jane : (thought VO) Grant?
Jane watches Mrs. Bennett, noticing a slight expression of concern forming on her face.
Jane : (thought VO) Now how did she know that?
Bennett : That’s none of your business …
Daria : (to Jane) And once again, the great Ms. Li demonstrates the principles on which a free market economy is based.
Jane : Oh, I’m sure that there’s a point to all this.
Daria : Metal detectors for the door?
Jane : Does that mean I can’t bring my art knives without being harassed?
Daria : Jane, I don’t think that an 8" fixed blade knife counts as an art supply.
Jane : Depends how you use it … You know, I don’t think that I like all this security stuff after all.
Daria : (shaking head) Jane, Jane. I think you mean to say that security is double-plus ungood, right?
Bennett : (turning around) OK class, here’s the game. Each of you will receive a fixed sum of money and a selection of securities. The goal is to end the game at the conclusion of tomorrow’s class with the greatest amount of money. Information about the performance of the individual securities will be given at sporadic intervals through selected persons, and a computer will generate book prices at the end of class.
Bennett : At the finish of class, any securities held will be valued at their book prices. Any questions?
Jane : (thought VO) Is this mandatory?
Brittany : Um, what’s a security?
Cut to the hallways of Lawndale High. Daria and Jane are heading towards their next class as they discuss Mrs. Bennett’s class.
Jane : So it looks like we’re in for a full day of games?
Daria : So much for catching up on my sleep.
Jane : Oh, you never know. We have O’Neil next. Maybe we’ll play the silence game!
Daria : If you’ll remember, that didn’t go over very well with Ms. Li …
Jane : That’s only because you refused to talk to her.
Daria : What, you want me to become a loser?
Jane : Become?
Daria : Thanks for the friendly support.
Jane : You want support, get a wonderbra.
Daria : Like anyone would notice.
Jane : I’m sure Tom would be appreciative …
Daria : Is this the voice of experience?
Jane : (thought VO) Like Tom would have noticed one on me …
Jane : (shooting Daria a glare) The depths of my experience go far beyond your limited comprehension, mere mortal …
Daria : Well, now that the insanity has set in, it’s time for class.
Fade to Mr. O’Neil’s classroom. Daria, Jodie, and Brittany are sitting in three seats located in front of the usual front row. On the blackboard behind them are a number of papers taped to the board with ascending numerical values. Mr. O’Neil stands behind the desk, preparing to address the class.
O’Neil : Ok class, now that you’re all here
Jane : I’m not!
Jane : (thought VO) Since I don’t think here, I must not exist here. I wonder if that’ll get me out of this stupid class?
O’Neil : What?
Jane : I’m not here.
O’Neil : Then where are you?
Jane : Whoa. That’s way too deep for your classroom …
Jane : (thought VO) And anyway, I don’t feel like seeing Ms. Manson today.
O’Neil : (warily) Um, Ok … Well, getting back to class … Today we’re playing literary jeopardy. Can anyone imagine anything more exciting?
Jane : (thought VO) A good game of quarters?
O’Neil : Anyway, each student will be in a group of three for a ten minute session, or until the questions run out. The winner will get a free Snickers bar.
Jane : King size?
O’Neil : Um, no. The school can’t afford it.
Jane : Too bad. I’m just not motivated by a mere regular Snickers …
O’Neil : Actually, they’re snack size.
Daria : In that case, bring on the questions.
Mr. O’Neil looks concerned, but reaches into his desk to remove a few bundles from his desk.
O’Neil : OK, who would like to start. Brittany?
Brittany : Um, OK?
Mr. O’Neil looks at Brittany expectantly for a long moment.
O’Neil : Um, Brittany? You have to choose a category first.
Brittany : Oh. Um, I’ll take Hysterical Geeks for, um, 100?
O’Neil : Uh, Brittany? That’s Historical Greeks.
Brittany : Oh, (twirling hair) Ok.
Jane : (thought VO) This is gonna be a long game.
Mr. O’Neil removes a card and reads the answer.
O’Neil : This Greek hero made war in Troy, where he was killed by an arrow to the heel.
Jane : (thought VO) Lucky him …
Brittany : (ringing in) True!
O’Neil : Um, Brittany, this isn’t a true/false question.
Brittany : False?
Mr. O’Neil sighs as Brittany’s time runs out, and Daria chimes in.
Daria : Who was Achilles?
O’Neil : Very good Daria. Would you like to choose the next category?
Daria : How about Dystopian Worldviews for 100?
O’Neil : Oh. Um, this author portrayed a dim, authoritarian future in his book named for the temperature at which paper burns.
Jodie : (chiming in) Who is Ray Bradbury?
O’Neil : Very good Jodie!
Cut to a few minutes later. Jodie, Daria, and Brittany are still in the front of the room. We see that Daria and Jodie are tied at 1500, with Brittany scoreless.
O’Neil : Daria, would you like to choose the final question?
Daria : I’ll take Historical Greeks for 500.
O’Neil : What famous Greek was the son of Zeus, and later went on to become a god himself?
Daria : (ringing in) Heracles.
O’Neil : Oh, I’m sorry Daria, that isn’t correct. Jodie?
Jodie : Hercules.
O’Neil : Well, that concludes the first game …
Daria : (interrupting) Excuse me, but I think you’ll find that Hercules is the Roman name for the son of Jupiter. The Greek name is Heracles, or ‘glory of Hera’.
O’Neil : Um, well, we don’t actually have a book here …
Daria : Tell you what. Let me go to the library to check on it.
O’Neil : Well, I guess that’s OK …
Jane : Do you really want the candy that badly?
Daria : (to Jane) Hell no. I just saw a chance to get the hell out of here for a while. Ciao.
Daria leaves the room, leaving Jane slightly bemused and slightly annoyed.
Jane : (thought VO) Sure, leave me here all alone.
O’Neil : OK class, the next game will be between Kevin Taylor, Jane Lane, and Michael Mackenzie.
Jane : Great. Couldn’t he just leave me out of this?
O’Neil : Come up and have a seat. I’ll just track down the next set of questions.
Mr. O’Neil reaches into his desk and removes another set of cards.
O’Neil : Hmmm. These seem to be a different color … Well, is everybody ready?
Jane : (thought VO) Would it make a difference?
O’Neil : Mack? Would you like to choose first?
Mack : Um, how about Historical Greeks for $200?
O’Neil : (reading the card) Ok … Between which two cities did Oedipus encounter his father Laius?
Jane and Mack exchange a look of concern, both clearly having no idea as to the answer. As they do, Kevin rings in.
Kevin : Um, Boston?
Mr. O’Neil looks at Kevin disdainfully, and shakes his head.
O’Neil : That is not correct Kevin. I’m sorry. Jane? Would you like to choose?
Jane : How about Planes, Trains, and Automobiles for $100?
O’Neil : Let’s see. What was the name of the radio-gunner killed in Yossarian’s plane over Avingon?
Silence.
O’Neil : Well, moving on …
Jane : (thought VO) I doubt that even Daria and Jodie would know these …
Fade to later in the class. Jane and Mack are both scoreless, and Kevin has a score of -$2400. Mr. O’Neil looks dissatisfied at the results, but doesn’t seem to realize why people are having difficulty with his questions.
O’Neil : For the final answer, this is the first name of the Chief’s father in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s nest.
No one answers.
O’Neil : Come on, take a guess.
Jane : I can’t guess, I have no idea.
O’Neil : Mack?
Mack : Sorry Mr. O’Neil. These questions are just hard.
O’Neil : I wonder if that’s why I color coded them …
Jane : (thought VO) You mean this twerp can’t even remember how he coded the cards? How … expected.
Cut to Mr. DeMartino’s classroom. Mr. DeMartino is at the front of the classroom, corralling the students into a confused group rather than allowing them to take their usual seats. Daria and Jane walk into the classroom, and both turn and look at the group with a little confusion. Seeing this, Mr. DeMartino walks over to the two.
DeMartino : Daria, Jane. If you would care to join us, the ENTIRE class will be LEAVING for the COMPUTER lab.
Jane : (to Daria) And if we don’t?
Daria : (to Jane) Room 101. (to DeMartino) Excuse me, but what are we going to be doing at the computer lab?
Jane : (thought VO) Same thing we do anywhere, sit around and pretend to learn?
DeMartino : As you are no doubt AWARE, Ms. Li has DECIDED to replace the usual CLASSROOM ACTIVITIES with GAMES. Given that this IS HISTORY, and that WAR, conflict, and ambition are such MAJOR motivators, we are going to give you STUdents the opportunity to ATTEMPT to follow in the footsteps of OTHERS and LEARN something about creating an EMPIRE.
Daria : We’re planning an invasion of France?
DeMartino : (laughing slightly) An AMUSING concept Ms. Morgendorffer, but regrettably, Ms. Li wouldn’t release sufficient funds from the school budget. So instead, you get to TEST yourself against a COMPUTER.
Jane : A computer?
DeMartino : You will be testing yourself against the abilities of Civilization II.
Daria : The triumph of artificial intelligence over natural stupidity?
Jane : I’ll start the betting pool.
Cut to the computer lab. It is a predominantly off-white color, with flimsy looking tables arranged along the outside walls. On each table are two somewhat dated computers, and a random distribution of free mouse pads alongside.
Daria : Another archaeological expedition?
Jane : Nope. Same old lab.
Daria : Like I said …
DeMartino : Ok class, for the next two days we will be meeting down here. You will be divided into groups, so that you will not only be working against the computer, but your classmates as well.
Daria : (to Jane) Why am I not concerned?
DeMartino : We will be playing a game called Civilization II. I know that the CONCEPT of civilization may be BEYOND you, but REST assured that this will not PREVENT you from PARTICIPATING.
DeMartino : Each group will have three students, and the remainder will be comprised of computer players. Your goal is to win. Any victory is acceptable. You will be graded both on your overall performance as well as the performance relative to your classmates.
DeMartino : Ok, I have divided the class into teams. The first team is comprised of Daria Morgendorffer, Jodie Landon, and Brittany Taylor.
Brittany : But how can I be on the team? I’m a cheerleader!
DeMartino : (frustrated) Just take a seat Brittany. (Bt) The second team is comprised of Jane Lane, Kevin Thompson, and Charles Ruttheimer.
Jane : (thought VO) Life sucks.
Upchuck : Ms. Lane, if I may be so bold …
Jane turns and stares at Charles with an icy glare. Charles stops in mid sentence, and turns back to find a computer.
As Mr. DeMartino continues to distribute the rest of the class into teams, the students spread out and choose a computer. Jane pulls up a seat next to Daria, and logs into the system.
Jane : Well this is a royal waste of time …
Daria : Actually, the game itself isn’t half bad. And you get the chance to utterly annihilate Upchuck.
Jane : After he tried so hard to get us together?
Daria simply turns to Jane, remaining absolutely silent.
Jane : (thought VO) Come on Daria, relax a little!
Jane : Hey, take a joke Daria! (Bt) So, any suggestions for the game?
Daria : Why Jane, is that a plea for help?
Jane : Well, my grade could use a little help, now that you mention it …
Daria : (thinking) Um … expand quickly, keep a good defense, and don’t listen to anything Kevin says.
Jane : That last one goes without saying.
Daria : You’ll get the hang of it.
Jane : So, would you be up for some pizza after school?
Daria : Um, Jane? I’m meeting Tom after school today.
Jane : (thought VO) Of course. Leaving me alone once again. Although … I did the exact same thing when I was in her place.
Jane : (warily) Isn’t it awfully early for your usual date?
Daria : Well, uh, he’s taking me to dinner, then we’re meeting his friends at the bowling alley.
Jane turns and stifles a laugh. Daria looks at Jane in surprise.
Daria : Ok, out with it. What’s so funny.
Jane : Oh, nothing.
Jane : (thought VO) Someone’s in for a surprise …
Daria : Is there something wrong with Tom’s friends?
Jane : There’s nothing … bad per se. They’re an … interesting bunch.
Daria : (warily) OK …
Jane : Come on now.
Jane looks at Daria, pondering the situation for a moment.
Jane : Daria! Are you worried?
Daria : Um, no. I’m fine.
Jane : Oh, you are! That’s so cute!
Daria : Go to hell Jane.
Jane : Come on Daria! There’s nothing wrong with being cute …
Daria : And if I said that you looked cute right now?
Jane : (smirking) I’d deck you.
Daria : Women.
Fade to Casa Lane, living room. Jane enters the front door, placing her bag on the ground. As the camera pans, we see Trent sitting on the living room couch asleep, with an acoustic guitar tightly gripped in his hands. Jane closes the door, which rouses Trent from his sleep.
Trent : Janey?
Jane : That’s me. Sorry I woke you.
Trent : You didn’t wake me. I was practicing my fingering.
Jane : (thought VO) Musicians are not to be taken out of context. Remember that …
Jane : Trent, you were snoring.
Trent : Well …
Jane : Why were you practicing anyway?
Trent : Oh, um, we’ve got a gig tonight. I thought I should be ready.
Jane : Why?
Trent : Uh, you know, I don’t know. But it seemed like a really good idea this morning.
Jane : Maybe you should get some of those memory enhancing pills …
Trent : Um, OK.
Jane : (shaking her head) Never mind.
Jane starts to walk out of the living room when Trent shouts a question to her.
Trent : Um, Jane? Do you know why Jesse smelled like lemon this morning?
Jane : (continuing to walk) I have no idea …
Fade to the interior of an art store. Jane is looking through the store carefully.
Jane : Let’s see. Paints. (scanning the shelves) Ah, snow white.
Jane picks up two tubes of white paint and a single tube of red paint, placing them in her basket.
Jane : Sparkles. What would sparkle? Glitter?
Jane walks over to the adjacent aisle, and checks through a number of packages before finally selecting a shimmering opalescent glitter.
Jane : (thought VO) This just might work.
As Jane moves towards the checkout, something catches her eye. Stopping, she looks down to see a package of play money. Picking up the package, she studies it carefully.
Jane : (thought VO) You know, I think this is the same money Mrs. Bennett was using in econ.
Jane ponders this for a second, and then begins to remove a number of packages from the shelves.
Jane : Hello good grades …
Cut to Jane’s room. Jane is at her easel, painting on a canvas. We see that Jane is attempting to re-create the landscape from that morning, but the painting seems flat. Jane picks up her palette, mixing the white paint with the glitter, and applying it to the snow-covered landscape. While the painting is significantly improved, it’s still not quite right.
Jane : It’s missing something …
Jane studies the painting for a while, looking at it from a variety of different angles. Sighing, she drops her brush and sits down on her bed.
Jane : (thought VO) It’s no use. I’m just … bored.
Jane picks up the TV remote and turns on the television.
SSW announcer : What happens when a group of psychiatrists decides to make a career in music? The vocal stylings of Pink Freud, next on Sick Sad World.
Jane lays back in her bed, the remote still in her hand.
Fade to later, still in Jane’s room. Jane is asleep in her bed when the front door is heard closing loudly. Jane stirs slightly, rolling over on top of the remote.
Nick : (VO) Ouch! Watch it! I told you not to drop the amp on my foot!
Max : (VO) Well, anyone could see where I was putting it down. How can I work around those huge feet anyway?
Jane : (slowly waking up) And I thought their music was loud. Well, time to make an appearance.
Jane gets out of her bed, turning the television off as she does. Straightening her clothes, she heads downstairs. Reaching the living room, we see audio equipment scattered about the floor, with Nick and Max arguing about who should be moving what.
Jane : Guys?
Nick : (turning) Oh, hey Jane.
Max : Um, hi.
Jane : Is Trent around?
Nick : He and Jesse took a load out to the tank. They should be back soon.
Max : Unless they’re waiting for us …
Nick : Well, if you would just take the amp like I told you …
Max : But you’re supposed to take the amp!
Trent : (entering through the front door) Are you two still arguing about that?
Jesse : (following closely behind Trent) We’re gonna be late.
Trent : Here, give me the amp.
Trent walks over and picks up the amp, as Nick and Max guiltily pick up some of the smaller equipment.
Jane : Say, you guys got room for one more in the Tank?
Trent : As long as you aren’t too picky about seats.
Jane : Anything to get me away from here …
Fade to the Zon. Jane is standing alone, watching Mystik Spiral on stage. From her left, a young man approaches her.
Man : Hey, come here often? Because I’d think I’d remember you. (looking at Jane) Wait, I’ve met you before. Um, Jane, right?
Jane looks at the man for a second, then turns her head away.
Jane : Oh, its you.
Man : Actually, I go by Paul.
Jane : Yes, I know.
Paul : Look, I’m sorry about Mike. He can be a real ass when he’s drunk. Actually, he can be a real ass sober as well.
Jane : So why do you hang around with him?
Paul : Well, um, he’s my friend.
Jane : I suppose its easier for you. After all, he’s not likely to hit on you.
Paul : Well …
Jane : You’re kidding!
Paul : (apologetic) He was REALLY drunk that night …
Jane : So, did you …
Paul : Yech, no. (matter of fact) Actually, I spent most of the night making sure he didn’t choke on his own vomit.
Jane : What a pleasant picture.
Paul : I’d hate to know someone died if I could have prevented it. Even obnoxious self-involved bastards like Mike.
Jane : Well, I’ll admit that you’re much more pleasant without him around. (Bt) He’s not here, is he?
Paul : Not anymore. He left with some blonde bimbo about an hour ago …
Jane : Um, this bimbo. Did she have a high, squeaky voice, and the intelligence of wallpaper?
Paul : That sounds about right.
Jane : Most interesting …
Jane : (thought VO) I wonder what Kevin’s up to tonight?
Paul : Hey, can I get you a beer?
Jane : Um, no thanks.
Paul : Are you still annoyed at me for that whole Mike thing?
Jane : No, I’m annoyed at him, not you. I just don’t really like beer. Its just, um, disgusting …
Paul : Stay here. I’ll be right back.
Jane : (thought VO) I’ve heard that one before.
Paul walks over to the bar, and after a brief conversation with the bartender, he returns with a mug of beer and a large glass filled with a colored liquid. He hands the glass to Jane and takes a sip of his beer.
Paul : Try that. I think it’ll go down a little better.
Jane takes a tentative sip of the drink, then immediately takes a significantly larger gulp.
Jane : This is pretty good. What is it?
Paul : Uh, its called Sex on the Beach.
Jane : Sex on the Beach?
Paul : Hey, I didn’t name it. Vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry juice, and pineapple juice.
Jane : Whatever its called, its better than beer …
Fade to later in the night. Jane and Paul are sitting at a table, talking.
Paul : So I came home from the library, only to find Mike naked and handcuffed to his bed. Apparently, one of his girlfriends didn’t take kindly to his ‘date early, date often’ policy.
Jane : That must have been traumatic.
Paul : Yeah. I almost died laughing. Thank God for digital cameras.
Jane : You DIDN’T!
Paul : Hey, as long as he meets my terms, they won’t ‘accidentally’ find their way onto a particularly nasty newsgroup.
Jane : And how would you know about those newsgroups?
Paul : Hey, a single guy’s got to do something for fun …
Jane : OK, more information than I needed to know.
Paul : Hey, its nothing unusual. Are you saying that you’ve never looked around?
Jane : Um … I plead the fifth?
Paul : Typical. Well, looks like the last set is almost over.
Jane : Well, I should get going then. The band’s kind of my ride.
Paul : My condolences.
Jane : Hey, they’re not too bad. Just water them and turn them towards the light periodically.
Paul : As long as you have a plan.
Jane : Hey, much to my surprise, it was actually nice talking to you tonight …
Paul : Thanks, I think.
Jane reaches into her pocket and removes a slip of paper and a pen.
Jane : Here, let me give you my phone number.
Jane scribbles a number on the slip of paper, handing it to Paul. Paul takes the slip and folds it, placing it in his wallet.
Paul : Thanks. I’ll, uh, let you get going then.
Jane : Um, OK …
After a moment of awkward silence, Jane turns and heads backstage to meet up with the band.
Jane : (thought VO) Wow, that actually went pretty well. You’ve still got it Jane.
Cut to Jane’s room. Jane has changed into a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. She looks down at the clock, which is displaying 3:24.
Jane : (thought VO) Three twenty-four? And I have to be up for classes tomorrow? (Bt) You know what? It was worth it.
Cut to the next day at Daria’s locker at Lawndale High. Daria and Jane walk up to the lockers together.
Jane : (thought VO) Well, no bruises, scratches, or lacerations …
Jane : So how was the big date last night?
Daria : Oh, it went pretty well.
Jane : (surprised) It did?
Daria : Yup. We caught up with his friends and bowled a few games. They’re an interesting bunch.
Jane : So, it all went fine with them? No problems?
Daria : Why Jane, is there something you’d like to ask?
Jane : (conciliatory) Was Chris there?
Daria : Yup.
Jane : And?
Daria : She said she liked me.
Jane : Liar.
Daria : Ask Tom yourself. (Bt) How did you two hit it off?
Jane : Tom had to restrain me, and Chris was laughing the whole time.
Daria : And why didn’t I hear about this earlier?
Jane : (thought VO) Because you were off with your Dad, and sick of hearing about Tom?
Jane : No desire to be teased?
Daria : I guess I can accept that.
Jane : So, after bowling did you two explore bold new frontiers?
Daria : Jane, we watched movies. On the couch.
Jane : You wild woman you.
Jane : (thought VO) I wonder if Daria would even know what to do if she wanted to …
Daria : Hey, you know me. So how was your night?
Jane : Not bad. I went out with Trent to the Zon, sat around, the usual.
Daria : Is that it?
Jane : Well, no. But that’s all you’re going to get now.
Daria : Jane!
Jane : (playful) Nope.
Jane : (thought VO) At least not until I find out if he’s going to call me …
Cut to Mrs. Bennett’s room. The students are milling about, buying and selling the ‘securities’. Jane seems to be participating reluctantly, whereas Daria has a huge group of students around her desk.
Daria : Now who would like to buy some (looking at the certificate) publishing limited? Moving it out at a low price.
Jodie : And why is that?
Daria : I would like to re-balance my portfolio, and need some cash.
Upchuck : Fairest Daria, I would love the opportunity to purchase some of your stock.
Daria : Sure thing, Upchuck.
Daria completes the transaction with Upchuck, and continues to work through the line until she is out of stock.
Daria : OK, I’m all out. Find someone else to buy from.
As the crowd spreads out, Daria heads over to an unidentified male student.
Daria returns to her desk, and begins to look through her holdings. As she does, Mrs. Bennett can be heard in the background.
Bennett : OK class, five more minutes.
The announcement sends the class into a bit of a frenzy, and Daria can be seen talking with a few students about the class. Jane watches in amusement, making a scant few transactions. Finally, Mrs. Bennett calls an end to the game.
Bennett : Class, that concludes the game. Now let’s all count our equities to see how everyone did.
The class sits down and counts for a few minutes, and finally everyone looks up, finished with the tally.
Bennett : So how did people do? Kevin?
Kevin : Um, I have, like $500.
Bennett : Kevin, you started with $50,000.
Kevin : Oh.
Bennett : Brittany?
Brittany : Um, like, $2500, I think?
Bennett : (shaking her head) Jodie?
Jodie : (disappointed) $10,000
Bennett : Um, does anyone have MORE than $50,000?
Jane : I’ve got $750,000.
Daria : I’ve got $1.1 million.
Mrs. Bennet looks between Daria and Jane with surprise.
Bennett : And how exactly did you manage that?
Daria : No SEC.
Jane : And no Secret Service either.
Cut to the hallway. Daria and Jane are heading towards Mr. DeMartino’s classroom as they discuss the game.
Jane : So, how did you manage to get so much money?
Jane : (thought VO) Or more correctly, how did you get more than me even though I cheated?
Daria : Oh, once you realize it, its quite simple. For one, I found someone with a large pool of stock, and bought up some of the same stock. I then sold theirs short, and dumped mine to drive down the price. And once I managed to corner the money supply, I was all set.
Jane : Did you get all that from our econ text?
Daria : Nope. Basic mob psychology. Lead and they will follow.
Jane : Impressive.
Daria : Now, how did you manage to do so well? I mean, we ended up with more money than we started with. Significantly more.
Jane : I paid a visit to the store where she got the money.
Daria turns to look at Jane.
Daria : Securities fraud, profiteering, and counterfeiting all in one day. Not bad …
Jane : For once, school teaches us skills applicable to the real world.
Cut to Mr. DeMartino’s classroom, towards the end of class. Daria and Jane are sitting next to each other, playing their games. Daria looks like she’s concentration intensely, whereas Jane merely looks resigned. Shrugging, Jane pulls her chair up to Daria’s computer.
Jane : Well, thanks to Kevin, we all managed to lose.
Daria : Kevin?
Jane : The AI destroyed him before we had a chance to, and then just rolled over Upchuck and me.
Daria : As long as Kevin went first and pathetically, I don’t think you have a problem.
Jane : So, how’s your game going?
Daria : Not bad. Brittany beat Jodie, which I doubt she was happy with. Now she’s bothering me up here (pointing at the screen)
Jane : Wow, you’re huge!
Daria : You’d better be referring to the game …
Jane : Touchy, touchy.
Daria : Brittany is just obnoxious. She can’t figure out the game very well, but she’s got a nasty tactical sense.
Jane : Huh?
Daria : Well, I think she’s attacking up here. (points to a small island)
Jane : So, you’re defending?
Daria : Actually, I can’t possibly defend those cities well.
Jane : So …
Daria : Actually, I’m attacking her capital. I’m ready to be done with this game soon, and Brittany hasn’t realized that she can see my moves …
Cut to the cafeteria. Daria and Jane are sitting at their table, eating their lunches.
Daria : How can the cafeteria manage to screw up dry toast?
Jane : They hire only Lawndale graduates as cooks?
Daria : Remind me again why we eat here …
Jane : I’ve got no food in my house, and you’ve got Jake’s cooking.
Daria : Thanks. (looking at her tray) Starvation is looking better and better.
Jamie : (VO) Are you two complaining about the food again?
The camera pans around to reveal Jamie standing behind Daria.
Daria : Well, what would you suggest doing with it?
Jamie : Well, you could eat it, you know.
Jane : Not a very pleasant course of action.
Daria : We have our health to think about here.
Jamie : Well, it can’t actually be dangerous, can it?
Daria : (looking at her food) Can you prove it?
Jamie : Well, I’m not dead yet …
Daria : Give it time.
Jane : Just don’t die in front of the cafeteria. People have a tendency to disappear.
Jamie : Um, OK …
Daria : Jane, that’s never been proven.
Jane : Doesn’t mean it isn’t true.
Jamie : (shaking his head) Um, I’m gonna go eat while I can still stomach food.
Jane : (thought VO) I wonder if Daria realizes that he’s got a little crush on her. I swear, that girl can be so oblivious sometimes.
Jamie heads off, leaving Daria and Jane alone at the table.
Jane : Yet another victim.
Daria : Shall we cut a notch in the table?
Jane : Sounds a bit trite…
Daria : Spoilsport.
Jane : That’s why I’m here.
As Daria and Jane turn to their plates and begin to eat, Jodie and Mack sit down next to Daria and Jane.
Mack : Daria? Jane? Did something happen in economics? Jodie’s, um, been in a bit of a funk since then.
Jodie looks at Mack with an annoyed glare, but says nothing.
Daria : Jodie? Are you OK?
Jodie : Fine.
Daria : Are you mad about something?
Jodie : How did you two do so well in that stock market game?
Daria : Do you promise not to tell?
Jodie : (warily) I suppose …
Daria : For me, securities fraud and blatant price manipulation.
Jane : And for me, counterfeiting.
Jodie looks between Daria and Jane in amazement.
Jodie : You cheated?
Daria : Yup.
Jodie : But that’s not fair!
Daria : Jodie, didn’t you tell when we were looking for a loan that you were right to use all methods at your disposal?
Jodie : Yes …
Daria : Even if they’re not fair?
Jodie : Um, I suppose …
Daria : There were no rules against it, were there?
Jodie : No …
Daria : Then what’s the problem?
Jodie : Well …
Jane : Just cheer up Jodie. It’s just a stupid assignment.
Jodie : But we’re being graded on it.
Jane : Jodie, you probably did better than anyone but the two of us. You’ll be fine.
Jodie : I suppose …
Mack : Come on Jodie. It’s not the end of the world …
Jodie : It just seems wrong, that’s all.
Daria : Get used to it. Life’s a bitch.
Jodie : (sardonically) You’re in a good mood today.
Daria : Actually, I am.
Mack : That’s a bit frightening.
Daria : Thanks. I try.
Cut to Jane’s room, later that night. Jane is standing, studying her painting.
Jane : (to painting) You’re mocking me. I just know it.
Unsurprisingly, the painting does not respond.
Jane : You can be so difficult sometimes.
As Jane says this, Trent walks by the door. Hearing her, he stops and looks into the room.
Trent : Um, Janey?
Jane : Huh? (looking towards the door) Oh, hey Trent.
Trent : Um, who were you talking to?
Jane : The painting. It’s not being cooperative.
Trent : Oh yeah, I know what that’s like. My guitar’s like that sometimes …
Jane : (thought VO) For instance, whenever you’re on stage?
Jane : So how do you deal with it?
Trent : Um, I don’t …
Jane : Huh?
Trent : Eventually, it’ll reach out to you.
Jane : The painting?
Trent : Sure.
Jane : Do you know how weird that sounds?
Trent : Hey man, I’m a musician. I don’t have to worry about that …
Jane : Actually, I would think that a musician would be very concerned with how they sound …
Trent : That’s a really good point. (heading away) I should probably work on that …
Jane : Thank you, O Brother of Mine.
Jane is just about to return to her painting when the phone rings. Shrugging, she drops her brush and picks up the phone.
Jane : Yes?
Male Voice : Is this Jane?
Jane : And who might you be?
Male Voice : It’s Paul.
Split screen between Jane and Paul.
Jane : Oh, Hi!
Jane : (thought VO) He actually called?
Paul : Um, Hi. (nervously) How are you?
Jane : (bemused) You’re not very good at this, are you?
Paul : (resigned) No. But I thought you weren’t supposed to admit that you noticed?
Jane : I’ve never been one to stand on tradition …
Paul : Oh. Uh, would you be interested in dinner later this week?
Jane : I’m always interested in dinner.
Paul : You’re not going to make this easy, are you?
Jane : (playfully) Now where would the fun be in that?
Paul : Would you like to go out to dinner with me sometime this week?
Jane : Sure. I’d love to. Now was that so hard?
Paul : Yes.
Jane : Builds character.
Paul : Now you sound like my mother.
Jane : You’re name’s not Oedipus, is it?
Paul : Oedipus? No. (Bt) He was one mean mother-fucker …
Jane : That’s horrible.
Paul : Thanks. So, how about Thursday? Around eight?
Jane : Sounds good to me. Meet you at the Zon?
Paul : Sure. I’ll, um, see you then?
Jane : It’s a date!
Paul : Well, um, goodnight?
Jane : Goodnight.
Collapse back to Jane’s room. Jane hangs up the phone with a smile on her face. Standing up, she looks over at the painting. Grabbing a brush, she hurriedly makes a few changes to the painting. Standing back, she looks it over with a smile on her face.
Jane : Perfect!
Fade out and roll credits.