Duck Day Afternoon
(Late afternoon in Daria's room.)
DARIA: Do you ever get the feeling that this has all been done before?
JANE: Not since the last time.
JANE: OK. Why do you ask?
DARIA: You know—another day in school. The well-meaning inanities, the idiotic classmates, the high-pitched chatter--
JANE: I don't know, Daria. Brittany's voice has a certain lilting quality to it.
DARIA: Maybe if you're Kevin Thompson.
JANE: True. But we've talked about this before.
DARIA: More proof I'm stuck in a rut.
JANE: It's easy to get stuck. What's harder is getting out.
DARIA: Maybe I should stay here.
JANE: That wasn't what I was saying.
DARIA: Good advice. Since when did you become a counselor, anyway?
JANE: About the same time you became a patient.
DARIA: Anyway, Dr. Lane, what can I do to get out of this rut? I feel like I should be lying on a couch or something.
JANE: The bed will be fine. As for your problem--[ponders] I think you need to do something out of the ordinary, something new.
DARIA: Something unexpected?
JANE: Damn straight!
DARIA: But how....
JANE: Snarky sarcasm is out, that's expected. No, what you need is something individual but not predictable, a new twist on an old concept--
DARIA: How about a pet?
JANE: And I was going to say you should join a motorbike gang.
DARIA: What'd ya got?
JANE: It's been done. Let's go back to the pet idea. What sort of pet would you want?
DARIA: A black cat?
JANE: Too conventional.
DARIA: Sea monkeys?
JANE: Not enough effort.
DARIA: A chimpanzee?
JANE: Too much effort.
[Cut. A title shows 'Fifteen Minutes Later']
JANE: No, I don't think a poison arrow frog will work.
DARIA: This is getting nowhere fast.
JANE: I'm only a doctor you know, not a zoologist.
DARIA: And without a licence.
JANE: OK, so I'm a quack. At least I don't have to go to med school--
[Pause. Jane has a flash of inspiration.]
JANE: That's it!
JANE: You should get yourself...a duck!
DARIA: You're right. They're convenient, loyal and cheap to maintain—-
JANE: And they quack.
DARIA: That too.
[Cut to Our Furry and Scaly Friends, where Daria and Jane are browsing. Mr. Matthews talks to them from behind.]
MATTHEWS: Looking for anything in particular?
DARIA: No, not really--
JANE: Yes. We're looking to see what you have in the way of ducks.
MATTHEWS: Oh really, that's a shame. I hate to break it to you, but we have no ducks, and no other stores in the area have what you're looking fo-- [The only other customer in the store leaves.]
come with me.
[They go into the back room. We can see several ducks.]
MATTHEWS: Here you go. I hope they're all they're 'quacked' up to be.
DARIA: Why do you have them back here?
MATTHEWS: They weren't selling out front. People just don't like having ducks for pets; I don't know why...
JANE: Well, we don't know either. All we know is that Daria here wants a duck.
MATTHEWS: Anyway, I better go see if there are any more customers in the store now—don't want any more 'incidents' in my store. Why don't you spend a few minutes in here and pick one of these prize ducks out?
DARIA: Hmm... How would you go about picking one of these?
JANE: I don't know. One of them will stand out—it's the law of the pet shop.
[They look at the ducks.]
DUCK 1: Quack.
DUCK 2: Quack.
DUCK 3: Quack Quack.
JANE: Oooh, that one added an extra quack.
DARIA: It has potential.
[Mr. Matthews returns.]
MATTHEWS: Any luck?
JANE: Mr. Matthews, I think we have our duck.
MATTHEWS: Great! Ducks are good pets, you know.
DARIA: We will.
Part II: In Which Daria Brings Her Duck Into Her Residence, Causing Great Consternation Amongst Her Family Members And Assorted Bystanders
JANE: So, what are you going to call him?
DARIA: I'm not sure. Does he have to have a name?
JANE: Sure he does.
DARIA: Let's see... Ducks, ducks... Donald?
JANE: I prefer Daffy.
JANE: It's been done. Besides, I don't see this one wahooing around the place.
DARIA: Maybe I could train him to do that.
JANE: Owning a duck sure has its possibilities.
DARIA: I think I'll call him 'Bill'. It's a neutral name.
JANE: Sure. Anyway, I better leave you to get better acquainted with your new duck.
DARIA: That was Jane. She's your godmother.
DARIA: You know, I've never really been one for pets, but you're different.
[Helen walks by and sees Daria conversing with her duck.]
HELEN: (quietly) I really need to get her a therapist.
DARIA: And one day, I want to leave Lawndale and travel the world. Maybe with Jane--
DARIA: And you!
DARIA: You're such a good listener.
DARIA: No problem.
QUINN: Hey Daria, I heard some quacking noises from your room and ----ARRGHH!
DARIA: Hello Quinn.
QUINN: What's that!
DARIA: It's a duck.
QUINN: Have you been playing near the pond again?
DARIA: Since when have I played near the pond?
QUINN: I know that—but why? Don't you know ducks are dirty?
DARIA: Not this one. He's special.
QUINN: Right... Does he have a name?
QUINN: Uh, hi Bill--
DARIA: That's Mr. Jenkins to you.
QUINN: I have to go.
[Cut to Quinn informing Helen and Jake at the dinner table.]
QUINN: She got a duck!
JAKE; A duck? That doesn't sound like her at all.
QUINN: I know!
JAKE: Maybe it just slipped in—Or waddled.
HELEN: I think Daria brought it in herself. I wonder why....
JAKE: Say kiddo, did it look very tender?
QUINN: I don't know, father!
HELEN: Maybe I should go see her.
HELEN: Jake! Just what are you doing with that carving knife?
JAKE: Oh, nothing....
[Cut to Helen visiting Daria.]
HELEN: Daria—how are you?
DARIA: He wants to talk to you.
DARIA: I think he likes you.
HELEN: You know he can't really talk, right?
DARIA: Sure, but he is a good listener.
HELEN; I'm sure he is.
DARIA: And I did want something new.
HELEN: It is certainly something different.
DARIA: And if other people can be happy by being with their cat or dog, why can't I be happy with my duck?
HELEN: I guess. You're right, but tell me if you start thinking the duck really can talk to you.
DARIA: I will.
DARIA: I know, she seemed a little suspicious at first—but she'll be alright with it. I think she'll be glad I've found another friend.
DUCK: Quack quack quack!
DARIA: Awww...I'm glad you like me too.
[They hug. Well, as well as a human and a duck can.]
[Back at the dinner table.]
JAKE: So, was it a plump duck?
QUINN: I don't know—geez! If you're so interested in the duck, why don't you just go and see him?
JAKE: Hey, that's a good idea!
QUINN: Everyone paying attention to Daria—all because of that stupid duck.
[Cut to Quinn discussing the duck with her cronies.]
QUINN: --And so they both went up there, leaving me alone. They abandoned me in favour of a duck, a duck! It's just the sort of thing that could cause me trauma for the rest of my life!
SANDI: I hear trauma causes wrinkles.
TIFFANY: That really....bites.
STACY: Oh no! What are you going to do?
QUINN: What can I do?
SANDI: Well, it's obvious that your family only cares about unusual pets---why don't you get one yourself?
STACY: That's a great idea!
QUINN: You're right. I'm going to head down to that pet store this afternoon!
STACY: Want us to come along?
QUINN: Thank you Stacy, but there are some things in a person's life that they must go through alone, and this is one of them.
STACY: OK Quinn. Good luck.
[Cut to Daria's room. Mr. Jenkins quacks happily.]
JANE: Our duck is really becoming a good conversationalist, isn't he?
DARIA: He sure is. Better than most of Lawndale, at least.
JANE: I'm sure he agrees.
[Cut to outside, where Jake is frantically walking in.]
JAKE: Had to leave work ninety minutes early, but it was worth it! I've been thinking about that delicious duck all day!
[Cut to Quinn at Our Furry and Scaly Friends. Mr. Matthews approaches her.]
MATTHEWS: And what can I do for you?
QUINN: Hi! I was your best employee-remember?
[Matthews' mood instantly darkens.]
MATTHEWS: Under your watch, a canary escaped and a prize anaconda got out into the mall. I don't stand for those things—not at this pet store.
QUINN: No, no... I worked at the other Lawndale pet store!
MATTHEWS: Well, what do you want?
QUINN: What's something that's bigger and better than a duck?
MATTHEWS: How about a goose?
QUINN: I love it!
[Return to Daria's bedroom.]
JANE: I think he needs food.
DARIA: You're right. Let's go get some grass for him.
JANE: Should we take Bill with us?
DARIA: Nah. He'll spoil his appetite. [Turns to Bill.] Now you be good, and we'll be back with food in a minute.
DARIA: I'm glad you understand.
[Shortly after they leave, Jake comes into the empty room.]
JAKE: There you are. You're going to be the special guest at dinner...
DUCK: Quack! Quack! Quack!
JAKE: Oh come on, it'll be fun! [Pause.] And tasty!
[Jake gleefully takes the duck into the kitchen, where the oven door is open.]
JAKE: I think it's pre-heated. Just wait until the girls get Duck ala Jake for their dinner!
[Cut to outside, where Daria and Jane are getting grass.]
JANE: What was that?
DARIA: I think he's in trouble!
[They turn to run inside. Out front, Helen returns from work. By convenient coincidence, all three arrive in the kitchen at the same time, seeing a jubilant Jake closing the oven door.]
JAKE: But, he was going to make a good meal!
HELEN: Jake! What the hell are you doing?
JAKE: I just wanted to make a good meal!
DARIA: Not with my duck. He's a pet, a confidant, not a piece of meat.
JAKE: [Dejected.] Fine. We won't be cooking the duck.
JANE: I think someone owes an apology to Bill over here....
HELEN: Go on.
JAKE: O.K. I'm sorry for trying to cook you.
DARIA: He's very forgiving.
HELEN: Well I'm just glad that Daria's duck is OK and we can surely find something else for dinner and--
[Silence, as Quinn enters the room.]
QUINN: Why have a duck when you can have....a goose?
[Quinn, introduces a large white goose to her family, shaking its wing.]
QUINN: His name is Gladstone.
DARIA: You should probably be careful with him. Geese can be very aggressive.
QUINN: Just because you have a duck doesn't mean you're suddenly the pet bird expert! I know how to handle my Gladstone with tender care and concern. At least he won't be almost turned into dinner--
JAKE: I mean good! I really do!
DARIA: I guess Mr. Jenkins has a bigger brother now.
QUINN: No, no... Mr. Jenkins is Gladstone's cousin.
DARIA: If you say so.
HELEN: That isn't a happy looking goose—
DARIA: Just think if he got on the loose.
QUINN: OK, Dr. Seuss. He's going to be just fine, I know it--
[Gladstone honks Quinn on the nose.]
QUINN: My nose!
[She runs around with Gladstone attached to her nose, arms flailing wildly.]