The Daria Chronicles: Vidiocity

The Daria Chronicles

by Erin Mills

Theme:

La la LA la la...

Plus Ca Change That's what they say Life throws curves at you Every day

And as you survive Blocking the glare in your eyes From the world around you You realize...

It's just more of the same

It's just more of the saaaaaaaammme...

(Opening sequence: We see Daria walking across the quad of a large University. We see her studying in her room, looking at the wall, then reaching behind her for a nine iron and slamming it against the wall a few times, then putting down the golf club looking satisfied. We see her behind the check out desk in the library, writing, when a huge stack of books is placed on the desk, delivered by the hand of Upchuck, with his usual grin. Daria shrugs and "accidentally" knocks the pile onto Upchuck's foot. We then see Daria in a computer lab set up with Jodie. It appears to be the office of the University paper, and Daria is placing the finishing touches on a column entitled "Daria's Reality Check." Finally we see Daria, at the desk in her dorm room, in her night clothes (T-shirt, and shorts) writing in her journal. She closes the journal and gets up from the desk. Close up on the journal. The label on the front of it reads "The Daria Chronicles" with the title of the current episode underneath it, in this case:)

Episode 3: Vidiocity

(We open on Red October's. It's early evening. Jodie, Daria, and Chris are sitting in a booth. The remnants of an evening pizza is sitting on the table, along with several empty glasses, wadded up napkins, and books. Daria is reading over what looks like an essay, making occasional corrections with a red pen. Jodie is scribbling on a piece of paper while looking up at an Economics textbook she has propped open in front of her. Chris is paging through an English anthology. After a minute, Daria puts down the pen and hands the papers to Chris.)

CHRIS: It sucks, doesn't it?

DARIA: It's not so much that it sucks. You made your points pretty well.

CHRIS: But?

DARIA: Honestly?

CHRIS: That's why I asked you to read it.

DARIA: (nods) I've eaten week old toast that was less dry than that.

CHRIS: (sighs) That's what I thought. I hate English Lit.

DARIA: Could be worse. Look, you make some good points but it sounds like you're regurgitating what you got out of your research. That may be fine for business writing, but you need to make it a little more palatable for an essay.

CHRIS: Palatable? You want I should maranade it?

DARIA: Not so much to that extreme. I hear Dr. Alvarez hates it when teriyaki sauce drips onto her keyboard.

JODIE: (looking up from her notes) Daria's right, Chris. But it's an easy fix, just change a few words here and there. Pretend it's an oral report. Make it sound formal but not stilted.

CHRIS: I hate oral reports.

DARIA: You and me both.

JODIE: That's right, you have that one due tomorrow, don't you?

DARIA: Oh yeah.

CHRIS: Who's class is it for?

DARIA: Professor Winkleman's.

CHRIS: Oh, no. Don't tell me...

DARIA: Yeah. History 107, Conspiracy Through the Ages.

CHRIS: What the hell made you decide to take that?

DARIA: I thought it might be amusing. I've watched enough Sick Sad World that I thought I'd be prepared for any kind of crackpot theory the course could throw at me. I wasn't expecting half the first day to be an endless rehashing of every major conspiracy surrounding the Kennedy Assassination.

CHRIS: So why stick with it?

DARIA: Sheer masochism?

JODIE: What's the report on again?

DARIA: "Secret Societies And Their Effect On Modern Times." It's more or less done. I'm gonna stop in at the library tomorrow morning before class and get Sue or Jim to go over it. They both took the course a couple of years ago, and they said Winkleman hasn't changed his curriculum in ten years.

CHRIS: Good plan. (she looks down at her essay) Well, I guess we'd better get out of here. I need to try to pound this thing into some sort of shape by tomorrow.

(The three of them gather their stuff together and leave. As they reach the door, a gang of frat boys come in, and plow right through them. One knocks Daria down, and her glasses go flying.)

DARIA: My glasses!

(And at that point, there's a sickening "CRUNCH" as one of the frat boys accidentally steps on her glasses. He looks down and picks them up. One lens is more or less shattered.)

FRAT BOY: Oops. Sorry about that, babe.

(Daria takes her glasses without a word. The frat boy goes off and joins his buddies, obviously not caring about what he did. Daria glares after him.)

JODIE: Daria? Are you all right?

CHRIS: (taking the glasses and looking at them) Damn, Rarely, they did a number on these.

DARIA: (taking the glasses back and turning to Jodie) Can you drive us back to the dorm? You know I can't see a damn thing without my glasses.

JODIE: Sure. ARE you all right?

DARIA: (handing her car keys to Jodie) I will be once I can see again.

(Machevelli Hall. Rm. 113A. Daria, Jodie and Chris enter. Daria goes to the dresser in her closet, tosses the broken glasses on top of it and rummages around in her top drawer.)

DARIA: Where the hell are they?...

CHRIS: Um...Rarely? You sure you're going to be okay.

DARIA: (without looking at her) I'm fine, Chris. Stop worrying. Ah-ha!

(She comes up with a glasses case, and takes out a spare pair of glasses, similar to the wire frames she wears [in THIS series, anyway :)])

DARIA: (putting them on and going to the door.) I'll be back in a while. (exits)

CHRIS: Where's she going?

JODIE: I don't know. But she always does that when she's really ticked.

CHRIS: You sure? If I were her, I'd be out for blood.

JODIE: Daria's not that violent. She'll be back in half an hour and she'll be fine. See?

(Cut to the book shelf, where an ominous black binder sits between Daria's copies of "The Prince" and "The Count of Monte Cristo.")

JODIE: (O/S) The Black Book is still here. If she was really pissed, she'd be paging through it looking for something really nasty to do to them. She'll be fine, so stop worrying about her.

CHRIS: All right. If you say so...

JODIE: Yes, I do. Now will you go? I have to finish these damn Econ sets and you have an essay to revise.

CHRIS: Okay! Okay! I'm going! 'Night, Jodie.

JODIE: 'Night, Chris.

(Chris leaves and Jodie closes the door)

JODIE: (thought V/O) I hope she'll be all right. She's been acting weird since last July.

(Pollard Student Union. We see several students entering and exiting the building. Cut to the Student Union Arcade. There are a variety of video games and pinball machines lining the walls. In the background we see some students playing pool. Daria enters the shot and looks around.)

DARIA: (V/O) I guess now is as good a time as any to admit this. I am a video junkie. I love video games. Anything that allows me to vent my homicidal tendencies without fear of being arrested gets a thumbs up in my book. As a result, I've found I spend anywhere from 10-20 hours a week in the University's arcade. These are always low key visits, when no one I know is there, and I always spend my time at one game. My game...

(She walks through the games, avoiding the patrons, making her way to one machine in particular: CyberKron 3000. However, once she reaches the machine she sees the "OUT OF ORDER" sign on it.)

DARIA: DAMN!

(She looks around in frustration.)

DARIA: (V/O) ...unfortunately, when my game isn't available, it means that I get a little irrational. Once I'm in the arcade and I can't play my game, I have to find something to replace it or I start wondering about all the time I waste there.

(Daria looks at all the games. Shooting games, fighting games, and sports games dominate the walls. She frowns and heads around a corner into an alcove where there are older video games from the early 80s.)

DARIA: I also hate it when all that's available are shooting games, sports games or fighting games. I don't care to spend my time repeatedly reloading on a shooting game, I feel like I'm about to permanently dislocate something trying to figure out all the damn button combinations on a fighting game, and the less said about sports games, the better.

(She heads down the aisle before settling in front of a machine. We see a close up of her inserting a quarter into the machine.)

DARIA: Say what you will about older video games, sometimes they can be more entertaining than the over hyped, graphics heavy gore fests that seem to make up modern video gaming.

(We see Daria playing the game, we hear what sounds like laser fire and odd sci-fi noises. We pan up to see that she's playing "Defender." We see her hands moving rapidly over the buttons that fire and control the ship. Cut to her face, which is just as expressionless as usual. Cut to the screen where we see the ship blasting alien ships like crazy and racking up points. Finally, Daria loses her last ship and steps back from the machine. Her face is as expressionless as before, but she seems much more relaxed.)

(Cut back to Rm. 113A. Jodie is at her desk working on her Econ homework. Daria comes into the room, locks the door, hangs up her jacket and sits at her computer.)

JODIE: Daria? You all right?

DARIA: Fine. (she begins typing) I just came up with another interesting wrinkle for my report.

JODIE: You did? What?

(Daria doesn't reply but we see her usual close lipped smile spread across her lips.)

(J. Bellbooke Memorial Library, the next day. Cut to the employee break room. Daria comes in and spots Jim Buckner, one of the upperclass library employees thumbing through a magazine. She walks over.)

DARIA: Hey, Jim.

JIM: Daria! Nice to see you. You working today?

DARIA: Not today. I was looking for you or Sue. Can you look over this report for Professor Winkleman's class?

(She hands him her report.)

JIM: (glancing at it) History 107?

DARIA: Yeah. Oral report. I just wanted a second opinion before I give it this afternoon.

JIM: Sure, give me a minute...

(He begins reading it. We dissolve to later, Jim reaches the last page of the report, frowns, and reads it again.)

JIM: (looking up) You sure you want to make this comparison?

DARIA: Yes. It's a valid analysis. They're a natural outgrowth of the old secret societies.

JIM: I'm not disputing that, but this seems a little inflammatory. Any members that are in your class may take offense. The branches around campus tend to take things like this personally.

DARIA: That's their problem.

JIM: It may be yours. They aren't exactly known for showing restraint, especially to freshmen.

DARIA: Look, if they do anything, I'll take my lumps, okay? I know this isn't going to be a popular view, and it wouldn't be the first time I've been on the wrong side of a section of the student body.

JIM: (hading the report back) All right, as long as you know what you're getting into, Daria. It's a solid report. Winkleman should eat it up, especially with that last page.

DARIA: Good. Thanks, Jim. (she exits)

JIM: Good luck, Daria...you're gonna need it once this gets around.

(Cut to the Taylor Social Sciences building, then to Prof. Winkleman's class where Daria is wrapping up her report.)

DARIA: ...In conclusion, one doesn't have to look far to find secret societies in today's world. The emphasis has merely changed from clandestine meetings and secret handshakes to appearing out in the open in modern fraternities and sororities. Both types of organization have their own set of laws which are expected to supercede local, state, and federal law. They both have memberships which can be exploited to get good jobs, promotions, or other favors with the assistance of other members. And both have a tendency to ignore the basic tenets of decency, respect, and general manners to those who don't belong to the organization or a related organization.

(Cut to the class where we see the Frat Boy who broke Daria's glasses in Red October's. He seems torn between scrunching down in embarassment or committing murder. Back to Daria.)

DARIA: The only difference in the public view of secret societies is that they are no longer secret, and much to no one's surprise, they are just as accepted now as they were then. Thank you.

(Daria goes to her seat to polite applause. Prof. Winkleman, a rotund man with a large mustache in his mid-50s, comes to the front of the class)

WINKLEMAN: Thank you very much, Ms. Morgendorffer. That was a very insightful and thought provoking report. I hope many of you will take this into account when the next Rush Week descends upon us. Ask yourselves, "Is the organization I'm thinking of joining REALLY out to help my fellow man, or is it simply a front of some sort to promote elitism or private agenda of only a select few..."

(As Winkleman drones on, we see the Frat Boy glaring at Daria from his seat.)

(Cut to Machevelli Hall's parking lot. Daria, Jodie, Mack, and Chris are walking out of the dorm.)

JODIE: (to Daria) He actually LIKED it?

DARIA: Not only that, when class ended, he asked if I'd be willing to read it again in his 307 class.

CHRIS: And you came up with that whole secret society/frat thing last night?

DARIA: Yeah, and all it cost me was a bout of temporary blindness.

(While Chris and Jodie laugh about this, Mack looks over and frowns)

MACK: I think you may want to recheck your figures, Daria.

DARIA, CHRIS, JODIE: Huh?

(Mack points over to Daria's car. Daria frowns in confusion and walks over.)

(Cut to the car hood. Someone has keyed up the hood something fierce covering it with Greek letters and the message "Greeks Rule!" in large letters. It's obvious Daria is going to have to get a paint job to repair the damage.)

JODIE: Daria?

(Chris comes up to Daria.)

CHRIS: Rarely? You okay?

DARIA: (quietly) Go on without me.

MACK: What?

DARIA: (looking up) Go to the cafeteria without me. I have something to do.

JODIE: You aren't thinking of doing something stupid, are you?

DARIA: (sighs) Don't worry, Jodie. The Book is staying on the shelf. I just need to go somewhere for a few minutes. (she walks off)

CHRIS: Okay, she is starting to scare me. NO ONE can be that well adjusted! If it were me, I'd be out with a baseball bat looking to smash some frat boy heads.

JODIE: She's scaring me too.

CHRIS: I'd have thought you'd be used to it. You guys went to school with her, didn't you?

MACK: Yeah, but even on her bad days, she never gave the impression of a time bomb about to go off. I think we'd better keep an eye on her.

CHRIS: Good idea.

(Jodie says nothing but watches Daria's retreating figure, concern clearly evident on her face.)

JODIE: (V/O) What happened to you, Daria?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

COMMERCIAL: Coming Soon From Shallow 15 Productions. Lawndale has seen it's share of disasters and bizarre events in fanfiction history, but when Daria comes into possession of a strange jade mask with a legacy of violence and unbridled insanity, there's gonna be a hot time in the ol' town that night.

DARIA/THE MASK: MY BIG HEAD GIRL

(Student Union Arcade. Daria is back in the 80's Alcove, this time blasting the hell out of an endless army of robots on "Berzerk.")

DARIA: (V/O) Daria's Rule of College #7: Your time in college is marked by periods of having to spend large amounts of money interspersed with periods of being broke and wishing you HAD large amounts of money. At this point in time, my paycheck from the library had been more or less spent on school supplies and food. What little cash I did have wasn't enough to cover the cost of both my glasses and my car. While Mom's insurance would most likely take care of the glasses, my auto insurance doesn't cover car keying, which means that the new paint job for my hood was going to have to come out of my pocket. There was no way I was going to hit my parents up for money this early in the school year for something that was basically--ugh--cosmetic.

(Cut to the Arcade entrance. We see Upchuck come in and look around. He wanders past a few of the games, plays around with the buttons on some, looking for games with credits still on them. After a while he rounds the corner into the alcove and sees Daria. He gets his usual smarmy grin on his face and strolls up to her.)

ROBOT VOICE ON GAME: INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT!

UPCHUCK: Why HELLO there, sweet lady.

DARIA: Well, either you have really good timing, or this machine is psychic.

UPCHUCK: It could be both. Or it could be my own personal magnetism gumming up the works.

DARIA: (still into the game) Uh-huh. Upchuck, I'm a little busy here and I'm not in the best of moods right now, so why don't you go somewhere else before I'm forced to reenact this game using you as a stand in for the robots?

UPCHUCK: Rrrrr, feisty! (Daria frowns and jabs the "Fire" button more feircely than usual. Upchuck cranes his head around to look at the screen) I fyou like, I'd be more than happy to share my years of experience with--HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET 50,000 POINTS ON THIS MACHINE?!

(Cut to the game screen. Daria continues to play and her score keeps increasing past the 50,000 mark. Cut back to Daria and Upchuck.)

DARIA: (shrugs) I just play. I don't care about scoring...which is something you really ought to consider learning.

UPCHUCK: (still excited) This is incredible, Daria! I've NEVER seen anyone score this high on one of these old machines!

(Daria doesn't respond but continues to play.)

UPCHUCK: (considers) You know...with your skill and a little help from me, we could clean up at next week's tournament.

DARIA: (looking at Upchuck) Tournament? What tournament?

VIDEO GAME: BZZZZZZZZZTTTTTTT!

DARIA: Damn! (She turns to Upchuck) Now, what tournament?

UPCHUCK: You didn't notice? I'm amazed. The divine Ms. Mmmm being completely oblivious to her surroundings?

DARIA: Upchuck, it's been a really bad week. Either get to the point or get out of my way.

(Upchuck turns and rips a flyer from the side of a nearby machine and hands it to her.)

UPCHUCK: The Pollard Student Union Arcade's Annual Retro Revival Video Tournament. Special elimination contest, no game newer than 1984.

(Daria looks down at the flyer. Cut to the flyer where the words "FIRST PRIZE: $500 IN CASH!!!" are clearly evident. Daria blinks.)

UPCHUCK: (continuing) Just think about it, Daria. The prestige, the renown, the money--

DARIA: Where do I sign up?

UPCHUCK: --the...what?

(Montage. Music Cue: "Pac-Man Fever" Buckner & Garcia.)

(We see Daria getting up in the morning. She grabs a towel and her toothbrush, and opens the door to find Upchuck standing there, dressed like a coach. He blows a whistle around his neck, waking up Jodie. Daria snarls and slams the door in his face.

Later. We see Daria walking out of a building, a stack of books in her hand. Upchuck, still in the coach's outfit comes up to her and begins dragging her in the directions of the Student Union. Daria stops walking and looks down at his arm, then back up at him. Upchuck blanches and lets her go. Daria walks on.

Still later. Daria is walking out of the library, presumably having finished her shift. She walks across the quad to the Student Union and goes into the arcade. She starts playing Pac-Man. Upchuck appears and we see him trying to offer her advice. Daria ignores him for a while but he gets more and more excited and/or agitated until Daria gives up in frustration, picks up her backpack and turns to go, taking care to slam him with it, causing him to slam into the machine.)

(End montage. Room 113A. Daria comes in, collapses on her bed, and groans into the mattress.)

JODIE: He's still bothering you abut practicing at all hours of the day?

DARIA: (muffled) Yes, just like every day for the last week. Even when I went there for the qualifying round, there he was. I swear if I didn't need the money so bad, I'd just forget about this whole thing. I'm spending more time in Upchuck's company than I could ever wish to.

JODIE: Well, look at it this way. The tournament's tomorrow, you'll go in, you'll play, and after that he won't bother you anymore.

(Right on cue, there's a pounding at the door. Jodie gets up and answers it. Sure enough, there's Upchuck.)

UPCHUCK: Daria! What are you doing? The tournament's tomorrow. Come on, the arcade is going to be open all night so that the entrants can get some last minute practice in.

JODIE: Upchuck, don't you think you're taking this a little too seriously?

UPCHUCK: That's part of the whole strategy. No one is taking it seriously, so if we do, she's a shoo in!

JODIE: What exactly are you getting out of this, Upchuck? You know Daria needs that money to fix her car.

UPCHUCK: Me? I just want to see our dear Daria live up to the potential as the video warrior I know she is deep down.

JODIE: Uh huh...Daria, what the hell is he talking about?

DARIA: (still muffled) I think he sees me as some sort of gravy train to the professional video game tournament circuit. (she gets up) All right, Upchuck. Just give me a minute, huh? I have to make a phone call.

UPCHUCK: Of course.

DARIA: (picking up the phone and dialing an extension) Hello...yeah...could you come down here for a second? I have an infestation....Thanks. (she hangs up)

UPCHUCK: Infestation? An infestation of what?

DARIA: You'll see.

CHRIS: (showing up in the doorway) Somebody call me?

UPCHUCK: (delighted) Why, hel-LO, my little Indian Princess!

(Chris cocks an eyebrow.)

CHRIS: (to Jodie and Daria) Would you excuse us for a minute? (She grabs Upchuck by the sleeve and hauls him off screen)

UPCHUCK: (O/S) Why, Ms. Sanchez, I never knew you to be so forward, but out here in the...what are you doing? Wait a--OOWWWWWWWOOWWWOWOWOWWOWOWOWWWWW! UNCLE! UNCLE! YEEEEEOOOOUCH! NO NO WAIT NOT--(*THUD*) owwwwwwwww...

CHRIS: (coming back into the shot) Infestation cleared out. Anything else you guys needed?

DARIA: No. Just that. Thanks.

JODIE: Do you need any help getting rid of the body?

CHRIS: Nah. I'll leave it out there as a warning to the other vultures. Good luck tomorrow, Daria.

DARIA: Thanks.

(Chris exits. Jodie stands up and closes the door. From behind it we hear Upchuck moaning in pain.)

UPCHUCK: (O/S) ooooooohhhhhh...f-feisty...

(The Arcade. It's getting crowded. The pool tables have been pushed aside and a platform with a microphone and speakers has been set up. On the back wall are a large bank of Gamechoice 15 machines. Daria, Jodie, Mack, Chris, and Upchuck come in)

CHRIS: (to Upchuck) Remember what I said. Behave yourself or I'll dislocate the other shoulder.

UPCHUCK: Yes, ma'am.

MACK: Wow. I didn't think old video games would be so popular. (looks around) Hey, Daria, isn't that Malcolm?

(He points and sure enough, we see Malcolm Kaiser talking to what looks like the arcade's manager. He's got a piece of paper in his hand.)

DARIA: Yeah. I didn't know he was organizing this.

JODIE: Who's Malcolm?

MACK: Grad student. We see him in our Intro to Theatre classes sometimes. Ferguson seems to use him as a gofer.

DARIA: Considering the mess that was made of the prop warehouse during the inventory, I don't blame him. Need to stay on the department head's good side and all.

(Daria, Mack, and Jodie go up to the platform.)

MALCOLM: (to the manager) ..right, right. So we do the prelims and the quarters, then break for an hour?

MANAGER: Yeah. The program chips are on their way, but the truck's held up in traffic.

MALCOLM: Gotcha. (looks down) Oh, hey Daria. Mack. How's it going?

MACK: Not too bad. You?

MALCOLM: Oh you know, another day, another ulcer.

DARIA: I didn't think this would be the repsonsibility of the Theater department.

MALCOLM: It isn't. They just borrowed the sound equipment. I'm doing this for FUN. (mock grin) Actually, it isn't that bad. Carl just hates loaning out his precious sound equipment unless someone from the department babysits it. I just volunteered to MC to make things go easier.

MACK: Well, that's cool.

MALCOLM: Any of you guys entering? They haven't given me the contestant list yet.

DARIA: Um...I am. I need the money.

MALCOLM: Paint job, right?

DARIA: How did you know about that?

MALCOLM: (jerking a thumb off to one side) The Kappas are in the house, and they have big mouths.

(Cut to a large crowd of guys in frat shirts. And one of them is the Frat Boy we keep seeing.)

DARIA: (mutters something incomprehensible)

(The manager comes up and taps Malcolm on the shoulder.)

MANAGER: We're all set. Whenever you're ready.

MALCOLM: Right. (to the group) Well, time to get this show on the road. Good luck, Daria.

DARIA: Thanks.

(Malcolm picks up a microphone.)

MALCOLM: All right! How's everybody feeling today?

CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

MALCOLM: Good! Glad to hear it. Welcome to the fifth annual Retro Revival Video Game Tournament!

CROWD: WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

MALCOLM: Now for you incoming crowd of Freshmen who have no idea what the hell you're in for, let me explain how this works. After all the registrants entered, each was issued a five minute period during the last week to come in and rack up as many points as possible. The judges took the 16 highest scores and notified those luky individuals that they qualified for the preliminary round for this tournament. So let's get to know them...

(the Manager reappers with another piece of paper.)

MALCOLM: Thank you, Phil. Richard Pierson!

(Daria glares again as the Frat Boy comes up on stage.)

MALCOLM: Hillary Grant!

(Hillary does likewise. Malcolm continues reading off names, citing seven more until...)

MALCOLM: Kevin Thompson!

(Kevin comes out of the crowd, Brittany enthusastically cheering him on, along iwth a few other jock types.)

JODIE: KEVIN entered this thing?

MACK: (glares at Upchuck) No way to avoid it, since SOMEONE kept ranting about his "video warrior" not taking the tournament seriously enough all week back at the house.

UPCHUCK: Uh..heh heh...I may have let a few tiny details slip..OWWWWW!

CHRIS: Sorry, my foot slipped too.

Back on the platform, Kevin poses for a minute before Malcolm shoves him over to one of the machines.)

MALCOLM: Yes, we're all impressed, but this is only a one-day event. Next up, Daria Morgendorffer!

(Daria swallows and goes up to the platform.)

JODIE: Good luck, Daria.

CHRIS: We're all rootin' for ya, Rarely!

(Daria takes her place at the machine next to Kevin's. She closes her eyes, trying to psyche herself up for the competition. Malcolm continues calling out names in the background. She's nearly calmed down when...)

MALCOLM: And our last contestant, last year's Retro Revival champion, David Kuromura!

(Daria's eyes snap open, and she turns to see David wheeling around the platform to the final station.)

KEVIN: Dude! He's in a wheelchair! How's he gonna reach the buttons?

(Daria gives Kevin a nasty look, but David merely smiles.)

DAVID: Observe.

(He reaches behind his wheel chair, and extracts a folded metal object. He begins unfolding it and within minutes, there's a makeshift platform complete with ramp for David to wheel up and be high enough to play the game effectively. The crowd "oohs" appreciatively at this. Malcolm goes on to introduce the judges of the competition. Meanwhile, Daria walks over to David.)

DARIA: Wow. That's...impressive.

DAVID: (grinning) Ain't it though? Took me six months to build last year.

DARIA: Seems to be working fine.

DAVID: Yeah. It's all right as a stopgap. I'm working on something even better though. But enough about me, how's the library treating you?

DARIA: Fine...I'm finally getting the hang of not being shocked when I find the sociology books about sex in the bathrooms after closing.

DAVID: Oh yeah, forgot about that. Just make sure any wet spots are actually water before you touch the pages though.

DARIA: So, you..um...won this tournament last year?

DAVID: It was a fluke. My opponent spent all his time "training" so on the day of the actual tournament, he got to the finals and passed out before we could have the final match.

DARIA: Lucky break.

DAVID: Yeah. So you in this for the money too?

DARIA: Isn't everyone?

DAVID: I heard about your car.

DARIA: What is this? That only happened last week.

DAVID: News travels fast between dorms. The Willmore U. grapevine is twice as fast as the TV news and about three times more reliable. Sorry that those frat guys couldn't take a joke.

DARIA: Yeah...well, like I said when someone pointed out the risks, I agreed to take the lumps. Now I just need to get the paint job done.

DAVID: Well, I hope you win then...just don't expect me to throw the match if we both make it to the finals.

DARIA: (smirks) I'd be forced to deactivate your brakes so you'd end up rolling off campus on that huge hill behind the library and being turned into a bloody pulp by the swarm of traffic if you did.

DAVID: Ouch. I shudder to think what will happen if I beat you honestly.

DARIA: Fun with assorted power tools.

(Both chuckle, then become aware of Malcolm standing next to them.)

MALCOLM: (smirking) Are we done flirting yet?

(Daria blushes as the crowd laughs)

MALCOLM: Okay then. To your stations! You have ten minutes to play. The top 8 scores at the end of the time will move on to the next round. If you lose all your lives, your score stays where it is. And to start things off, it's time to avoid traffic, turtles, and alligators as you attempt to make it across the screen, and to your fly eating sweetie. Ladies and gentlemen, it's "Frogger!"

(MUSIC CUE: "Froggy's Lament" Buckner & Garcia)

(The contestants turn and begin playing. We focus on each competitor in turn as we watch their facial expressions while the game play is overlayed. Several of the competitors hold their own, while the Frat Boy and Daria are racking up points like crazy, skillfully weaving their frogs through the various obstacles. Kevin, however, can't seem to keep his frog alive past the first line of traffic. Eventually the dread "GAME OVER" pops up on his screen.)

KEVIN: Aw, MAAAAN! My frogs all died!

MALCOLM: One down, 15 to go!

(Cut to the time clock as it counts down the last few seconds of the first round. The crowd counts down along with Malcolm.)

CROWD & MALCOLM: ...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...TIME!

MALCOLM: Stand back from your machines, please. The scorekeepers will be around to record your scores momentarily. It'll be about five minutes.

(Daria stands back, massaging her hands. David wheels down the ramp of the platform and over to her.)

DAVID: You all right?

DARIA: Yeah, just trying to get my hands to cooperate with the rapid pace.

DAVID: Lemme see...

(He takes her hand and begins massaging it. Daria blushes slightly and tries not to look uncomfortable.)

DAVID: How's that? Feel better?

DARIA: Um...yeah. Thanks.

DAVID: Good. Good luck!

(He wheels back to the platform. Daria watches him for a few moments, then looks down at her hand, before going back to her machine.)

MALCOLM: Okay, the results have been tallied. Will the following players step forward? Joe Callabrese...Rachel Hunter...Mike Gruber...Steve Davies...Dana Kyle...Natalie Hastings...Kevin Thompson...

KEVIN: ALL RIGHHHHHT!

BRITTANY: Yay, Kevvie!

MALCOLM: *Ahem* ...and Russell Weis.

(The eight called stand there for a minute looking proud of themselves.)

MALCOLM: You guys gave it your all...but sadly, it didn't pay off. You've been eliminated from further play. Please leave the playfield.

KEVIN: Awwww, MAAAAAAAN!

(The eight players walk off with varying degrees of disappointment.)

MALCOLM: Well, that's the way it goes. As for the remaining eight of you, get your button fingers warmed up, because up next is one of the biggest quarter munchers of the 80's, and only the top four scorers are moving on to round 3. (he grins and snaps into poetry) More addictive than Pac-Man, a lot bigger than Pong, where we first met the plumber, here comes "Donkey Kong!"

(MUSIC CUE: "Do the Donkey Kong" Buckner & Garcia)

(A shorter play segment this time. We see each player in turn as they do their best to deal with the barrels, flames, and other obstacles that make up your average game of Donkey Kong. Daria is frowning, one of the other female competitors is getting seriously agitated, Frat Boy seems in danger of snapping his joystick off, David remains cool and composed. We then dissolve to Malcolm as he reads off four of the names:)

MALCOLM: Richard Pierson...

(Frat Boy steps up.)

MALCOLM: Hillary Grant...

(Hillary steps up, anxiously rubbing her hands.)

MALCOLM: Daria Morgendorffer...

DARIA: (under her breath.) Damn!

MALCOLM: ...and David Kuromura!

(There's sounds of shock from the crowd. Daria looks as David wheels down the ramp next to her.)

DAVID: (whispering) Don't worry...

DARIA: Huh?

MALCOLM: These four...will be going on to round 3!

(The crowd goes nuts. David smiles up at Daria.)

DAVID: Told ya. (he rolls off into the crowd.)

DARIA: Wait..what about-?

MALCOLM: We're going to take a one hour break. Rest your hands, get some food, use the facilities. But don't take too long. Anyone not at their station by (he looks up at the clock) 3:49 will be disqualified from the tournament. See you all in an hour for the final two rounds! (he puts down the mike and turns to Daria) Nice job, Daria. You keep playing like that and you just might be able to knock Kuromura off his perch.

MANAGER: Yo, Kaiser! We got the chips in.

MALCOLM: Great! I'll be right there. Excuse me, Daria. (he gets down off the platform and goes off with the manager. Jodie, Chris, Mack, and Upchuck come up.)

JODIE: Congratulations! You're doing great!

CHRIS: Great nothing. She's kicking ass!

DARIA: Thanks.

MACK: You all right?

DARIA: Yeah...just a little worried. David's really good...

UPCHUCK: I told you you should have had more practice--OWWWWW!

CHRIS: Oh my, I'm just a klutz today.

JODIE: All right, knock it off. (to Daria) You hungry?

DARIA: (looking out in the crowd) Huh?

JODIE: Are you hungry?

DARIA: Yeah...sure.

CHRIS: Oh, she's hungry all right...just not for food---OWWWW!

JODIE: Sorry, I guess that klutziness is contagious.

MACK: All right, I think we'd better go get some food before these three end up breaking each other's feet.

DARIA: Yeah...

(She gets down off the platform and the five of them leave the arcade. As they pass one knot of people, one person moves out of the way and we see David looking at Daria as she leaves.)

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

NEXT EPISODE: Well, the original series may be gone, but The Daria Chronicles continue (Despite having now gone completely into alternate continuum territory). Up next, a freak snowstorm hits Lakeside burying the town in an ungodly amount of snow...and Daria's stranded on the other side of town from her dorm. "Snow Flake," next on "The Daria Chronicles."

(The arcade. Later. The four semi-finalists are standing in front of their machines. It appears that the third round has been completed, and they're waiting for the results. Malcolm comes on to the platform with an index card and the mike.)

MALCOLM: Okay, folks, we're gonna have a great match up for the finals. Our two finalists not only qualified, but they actually tied for first place during the "Asteroids" round. The two finalists for this years Pollard Student Union Arcade Retro Revival Tournament are...

(Cut to each semi-finalist rapidly; Frat Boy, Hillary, Daria, David. Then out to the crowd to Jodie, Mack, Chris, Kevin, Brittany, and Upchuck, who looks like he's about to have a coronary, then back to Malcolm.)

MALCOLM: DARIA MORGENDORFFER AND DAVID KUROMURA!

(The crowd goes berzerk. Mack and Upchuck cheer the loudest.)

CHRIS: YES! YES! YOU ROCK, RARELY!!!

(Daria looks a little overwhelmed at the enthusiasm of the crowd. After a few moments, Malcolm start getting the crowd to calm down.)

MALCOLM: All right, all right, settle down, people. Let's save some of that for the winner, okay?

(He gets a few chuckles out of the crowd.)

MALCOLM: And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the finals!

CROWD: (Overly enthusastic cheer)

MALCOLM: Same rules as before. The players have 10 minutes to rack up as many points as possible. Highest score at the end of that time will be decalred the winner. In the event of a tie, we go into Sudden Death overtime where all three players will start again and play until all three of their lives have been lost. Highest score at that point will be declared the winner. And the game for the finals is...

(Daria swallows. She's clearly nervous.)

MALCOLM: "DEFENDER!"

(Daria lets out her breath sharply and looks relieved as she turns back to the machine. David looks just as confident as he turns to his machine.)

MALCOLM: You have ten minutes! Ready...

(Daria places her fingers on the buttons. David does likewise.)

MALCOLM: ...Set...

(Cut to Daria's eyes. They are piercing and intense. Cut to David's eyes. They are serious but amused.)

MALCOLM: ...GOOOOOOOOOO!

(MUSIC CUE: "The Defender" Buckner & Garcia)

It's a dirty, filthy job, but it's got to be done; There's a battle goin' on, it's got to be won. I'm a million miles from home in a foreign place; The battleground this time, you see, is outer space.

(Chorus:)

I'm the Defender, a mutant bender. I'm the Defender, a mind bender. I'll defend this state to the end; I'm the captain of this ship and its men.

There's a lander up ahead, now he's going down; Now I'm chasing the baiter around and around. Here comes the bomber, now this is my chance To fire the laser and watch him dance.

(Chorus)

A pod has appeared at the top of the screen; They're the hardest to get, if you know what I mean. A miss, then a hit, now he's fading away; I've done all I can, at least for today.

(Chorus)

I'm the Defender, I'm the Defender, a mutant bender I'm the Defender, a mind bender

(Repeat and fade)

(During the above we go into an intense montage, switching back and forth from Daria to David as they play. We start off with Daria, looking the most intense weve ever seen her. She's pounds the buttons fiercely. On the screen her ship swings back and forth through the scrolling screen, zapping aliens and picking up hostages. We see her score, it starts at 1000 and climbs rapidly.

(Cut to David. He's playing much more relaxedly, but no less intensely. He has a more methodical approach, traveling in one direction, systematically annihilating the alien ships.

(Back to Daria, she swings her ship around, takes out several landers and bombers and managing to take out a pod before she loses her first ship.)

DARIA: Damn!

(David keeps playing, but soon loses his first ship. Soon both are back in the running with the second ships. We see their scores. Both are in the 5000-6000 range and climbing rapidly.)

DAVID: DAMN IT!

(We see the exploding starburst effect that signals that he's lost his second ship.)

(Cut to the crowd. Jodie and Mack watch with anticipation. Chris is beating the hell out of Upchuck in excitement. Even Brittany and Kevin are cheering Daria on. Malcolm watches the match play out. Cut to the clock. It reads that there are 5 Minutes left. Dissolve on the clock until there is only 1 minute left.

(Daria seems to have settled into a groove. She doesn't look as intense as before. She blasts a few more ships before her second ship explodes. She frowns but keeps on playing when her third ship comes up. The two keep playing intently the scores climbing higher and higher. The music fades out in time for:

MALCOLM: Ten seconds! 9...8...

CROWD: (joining in) ...7...6...5...4...3...2...1...

MALCOLM: TIME!

(Daria and David immediately take their hands off the controls and their last ships explode. They step away from the machines and the scorekeepers rush in. Daria starts breathing heavily. Malcolm comes over to them.)

MALCOLM: (with the mike) How do you feel?

DARIA: (keeps breathing) ...water...

MALCOLM: Could we get some water over here for the finalists? That was an intense session. David, our returning champion, how do you feel?

DAVID: I agree with my opponent. Water. She really gave me a run for my money.

MALCOLM: Well, that's good. The scorekeepers are tallying the final results. We should have them in a minute.

(Jodie and Chris come up with cups of water. They give them to Daria and David.)

JODIE: (to Daria) Here, drink. (Daria does so, gratefully) That was amazing. I never knew you were that good.

DARIA: Now you see what I spent my time doing instead of studying.

CHRIS: Man, that was wild. I'm sweating over here and I wasn't even playing!

DARIA: Thanks.

DAVID: Glad you enjoyed the show.

CHRIS: Good greif, guy. How do you stay so calm through all this?

DAVID: (grinning) After navigating through rush hour in this thing, nothing fazes me any more.

MALCOLM: (coming up them) Hate to break this up, but I've got the results. (to Jodie and Chris) I need you two to clear the stage, please.

JODIE: Sure. Good luck, Daria.

CHRIS: Yeah, good luck, Rarely. (to David) Same goes for you, Goodyear.

(They leave the stage.)

DAVID: "Goodyear?"

DARIA: She gives nicknames to people she likes. I have to admit "Goodyear" is a hell of a lot better than "Rarely."

(Malcolm picks up the mike again.)

MALCOLM: Okay, are we ready to find out who won this mindless video debauchery?

(The crowd responds enthusiastically.)

MALCOLM: All right! May I have the envelope, please?

(One of the scorekeepers comes over and hands Malcolm a sealed envelope. He opens it and re ads the card inside.)

MALCOLM: The winner of the Fifth Annual Pollard Student Union Retro Revival Video Game Tournament, the one who's going home with the grand prize of 500 bucks in cash, with a final score of 12,365 points is...

(Cut to David and Daria, then to Jodie, Mack, Chris, Kevin, Brittany, and Upchuck, then back to Malcolm again.)

MALCOLM: ...DAVID KUROMURA!

(The crowd goes nuts and several people swarm the stage. David accepts the congratulations happily. Daria just looks miserable. She tries to offer David a handshake but can't get through the crowd of well wishers. After a minute she slumps off the stage. Jodie, Mack, and Chris try to get to her, but by the time they get out of the arcade and into the hall, Daria is gone.)

(Dissolve to later that night. We see Daria in her nightclothes again, writing in her journal at her desk. She's alone in the dorm room.)

DARIA: (V/O) I suppose things could have been worse. I did take second place after all, and that came with a $200.00 prize and that'll help. But I get the feeling that the paint job will cost more than that.

(She sighs and looks out the window for a moment, before returning to writing.)

DARIA: (V/O) I know, now that Mom's gotten the insurance thing settled, that my parents could loan me the rest of the money, but I don't really want to do that. I need to start standing on my own two feet, and solve my own problems. I guess I'll just put the 200 in the bank and start eating more at the cafeteria until I save enough to pay for it.

(She sighs again)

DARIA: I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't David who beat me. He's a nice guy, and I'm glad he didn't throw the match or anything, but still it's--

(She frowns and scribbles out the paragraph. She starts writing again.)

DARIA: (V/O) Oh no, not again, Morgendorffer. You don't need a relapse of "Trent Syndrome" on top of everything else. Get the practical aspects of your life sorted out now. Get the car fixed, get the money somehow. No charity.

(Jodie and Chris suddenly burst into the room, startling Daria)

DARIA: Gaaah! (beat) You know, there is such as thing as "knocking."

JODIE: Forget that, Daria. You need to come with us right now.

DARIA: Now? (she looks down at herself) I'm not exactly dressed for an outing.

CHRIS: So throw some pants on then and get your shoes! It's your car!

DARIA: My car? (she stands up) What the hell did they do to my car now?

(Daria storms out of the room, not bothering to put on pants or shoes. Jodie and Chris follow.)

(Cut to the parking lot. Kevin, Brittany, Mack, and Upchuck are standing in front of Daria's car. Daria storms up the steps that lead from the dorm to the parking lot. Jodie and Chris follow.)

DARIA: All right, what the hell's going on? What's wrong with my car?

KEVIN: Wrong? But didn't--OOOF!

(Brittany removes her elbow from Kevin's stomach. Daria frowns.)

DARIA: What's going on?

MACK: Well, after you ran off, we tried to look for you.

DARIA: I wanted to be alone.

JODIE: We guessed. So we went out to dinner.

DARIA: And I'm sure you had a great meal, but what the hell does this have to do with my car?

JODIE: Well, when we got back here, Mack wanted to look at the damage to your car again so we could help you get it repaired.

UPCHUCK: And well...

(The group moves away from the car, revealing that the car now has a brand new hood. It doesn't match the paint job exactly. It's a shade or two darker than the rest of the car and has a matte finish rather than being shiny, but it's clear that someone has replaced it. Daria walks up to the car and around it, marveling at the hood.)

DARIA: You guys...?

CHRIS: (smirks) Not us, Rarely, someone else beat us to the punch.

(She points at the windshield. There's an envelope under the windshiled wiper on the driver's side. Daria picks it up. It's addressed to her. She opens the envelope and reads.)

DAVID: (V/O) Daria, I hope you won't think I'm too presumptous by doing this. I know you needed that prize money to fix your car, so I called a few people and managed to get a replacement hood here and installed. It's not perfect, but it cost most of the prize money to get the hood and get it here and replaced in a few hours. From what I've seen, you probably won't let this be a gift, so we'll call it a loan, repayable on the "whenever you can" schedule. No interest. Call it a favor for giving me a great final match in the tournament. See you around the library. David.

(Daria folds the letter back up and puts it back in the envelope. She looks back at the car, then turns and starts walking back to the dorm.)

CHRIS: Hey, Rarely, you okay?

DARIA: (stops) You know...I think I'm getting there.

(Cut back to Rm. 113A. Daria comes back into the room, puts the envelope in the back of her journal, then turns back to her entry. She thinks for a few moments, then picks up the pen and writes...)

DARIA: (V/O) DAMN!

END CREDITS WITH FOLLOWING MAKEOVERS:

Mack as Mario

Brittany as Lara Croft

Upchuck as Donkey Kong

Kevin as Mega Man

Chris as Chun Li

Jodie as Ms. Pac-Man

Malcolm as Dirk the Daring

David as Tron (in a modified Lightcycle)

Daria as Space Ace

(CLOSING MUSIC: "Goin' Berzerk," Buckner & Garcia)

I think I'm goin' berzerk. I think I'm losing my mind.
I'm getting lost in the shuffle. It happens everytime.
I think I'm goin' berzerk. Would you like to come too?
I can't stop now, I'm addicted. I'm berzerk over you.

If we fight this thing together,
There's a chance that we might win;
Now here comes Evil Otto,
Push the fire buttons in.
I'm sure he's crazy too,
Because he's bouncin' off the floor;
There's no way to destroy him,
Let him bounce right out the door.

Now here comes Evil Otto,
Push the fire buttons in,
If we fight this thing together,
There's a chance that we might win.

Berzerk, berzerk, berzerk over you.
Berzerk, berzerk, berzerk over you.
Berzerk, berzerk, berzerk over you.