Daria's New Job

An 'Iron Chef' story by Brother Grimace

The parameters for this 'Iron Chef' were as such: Write a short fic about a post-college interview for Daria. The twist is that, since she graduated from Raft, things haven't been going well, and she's running out of options. She's interviewing for a job she needs desperately, but she sees this particular occupation as "selling out".

'You understand, Miss Morgendorffer, that although we do mix with the public on a daily basis, you will be expected to remain somewhat at arms' length.'

'Excuse me?'

'If a celebrity comes in and becomes enamored with you, we expect you to politely decline any and all offers of social interaction outside of work which were extended because of your work here. In addition, you are to have no interactions with those celebrities which you meet outside of work but at work-related functions - parties, special events, and so forth.'

Like I'd date anyone I met here, or that any of these people would want me. 'Understood.'

'You'll be issued a company data assistant like this one,' the man said, holding up a small device. 'Company phone, PDA functions, MP3 player, wireless Net access, built-in digital camera/video camera, satellite radio and TV capable features with a projection TV capacity - that also doubles as a projection TV... some of the people coming through are hard to contact - or make it hard to contact them. You'll always be sure to make sure that if we need to, we can find them."

'Yes, sir.'


'You'll have a generous clothing allowance - I think I'll call upstairs and have that doubled...' He looked Daria over. 'Tripled. Don't ever wear those boots in this building again. Except on Halloween. I'll expect to see you in that outfit on Halloween. If you're still working here.'

Or if God proves his existence and strikes me dead with a lightning bolt.

'You'll have a company car, gas card, and you'll always carry a generous amount of petty cash. There'll be times that you'll need to pay for unexpected things... you'll know them when you see them. I'd recommend that you have at least $5,000 on you at all times while on duty. Make sure that you have that primarily in $20's and $100's - the twenties if you need to make change or give someone a tip, the $100's will get you through doors, salve hurt feelings, and generally make people shut the hell up. Also, carry at least a dollar in change on you at all times. Trust me, it'll come in handy. Also get used to carrying a pack of mint gum and a roll of breath mints all of the time; if you think of it, a few starlight mints will do wonders in a pinch. Nobody refuses an offered mint, and it's a way to deal with 'dragon breath' without hurting feelings or getting yourself fired.'

'Hmmn. Anything else?'

'No, I'd say that was about it for now.'

The man rose from his chair, and offered her his hand. 'Welcome to the Special Public Affairs Section, Miss Morgendorffer. Welcome to the MTV family!'

6 May 2005