I know that lots of people out there like MTV's Daria. And I also know that there are plenty of Douglas Adams fans out there. So (it had to happen), without further ado, I am proud to present you all with the best of both worlds! That's right, it's... Daria's Guide to the Galaxy by jBONE Chapter One: The End is the Beginning is the End, in which the Earth is destroyed, and all is finally right within the universe. (Countdown beginning.) (Twelve hours until total obliteration of unimportant celestial body.) (Have a nice day.) * * * (It began as any other day would have. Wake up to Quinn's screaming about her lack of wardrobe, breakfast to the sound of Helen's conversation with a client...or Eric...or maybe both, and Quinn whining that Daria's following her to school again. Yep, the start of another typical day for one, Daria Morgendorffer.) * * * (Andrea had been awakened that morning by an alarm on her digital watch. At least, the other citizens of Lawndale believed it to be a digital watch. It was actually a high-tech subspace transceiver, complete with satellite imaging and world map. (Okay, so it was a rather large digital watch.) The signal sounded familiar...too familiar. "Kardelf," she shouted, "Not another superspace highway." [Note: The word "Christ" may be substituted for "Kardelf," with no loss of meaning.]) * * * (It was about ten in the morning, and Daria and Jane had just gotten out of class. After rounding a corner, they were startled to find Andrea in front of Daria's locker. Waiting. Impatiently.) Andrea (impatiently, to Daria and Jane): It's about time you two got here. Daria (not knowing what else to say, to Andrea): Uh, hi, Andrea. Andrea (to Daria): No time for that. I've already called Trent, he's in the car, outside. We have to get to a bar... No time to explain, just trust me. Jane (to Andrea): It's not about that math test this afternoon, is it? Andrea (to Jane): Trust me, you won't have to worry about that math test this afternoon. Daria (to Andrea): Of course, tomorrow morning, when you wake up, hung over, you may hold a different view... Andrea (to Daria): You won't have to worry about tomorrow morning, either. (Glances at her watch.) Or, for that matter, anything earthly, in about an hour. Those damn superspace highways...the Noitaredef keep buildin' them wherever the Hell they please... Daria (obviously believing Andrea to be high, insane, or both, to Andrea): Superspace highway. Andrea (to Daria): Yes. A superspace highway right through the Earth's orbit. Daria (Again, to Andrea): Right through the Earth's orbit. Andrea (to Daria): That's right. Jane (to Daria): Hell, if there's even a slight chance the world's gonna end in an hour, and if there's free beer involved, I say, why not die happy? (Daria looks at Jane, scowling slightly) Jane (looking back at Daria): What? (Jane follows Andrea out, and Daria, not knowing what else to do, shrugs her shoulders and follows, as well. Outside, they meet Trent in his car (if you wish to call it that). Trent (to All): Hi, Andrea. Hi, Janey. Hey, Daria. Daria (to Trent): Hey. Jane (to Trent): So, what's this about you driving us to a bar? Trent (to Jane): Damned if I know. All I know is, Andrea called me up, and said the magic words. Daria (to Trent): Abra Cadabra? Jane (to Trent): Wake Up? Trent (smirking, to Daria and Jane): Free Beer. Andrea (to Daria and Jane): Everyone, get into the car, hurry. We only have (glances at her [large] watch) a little over fifty minutes. Daria (to Andrea): Till what? The end of the world? Andrea (to Daria): Like I said before, yes. Trent (looking forward, at road): Well, even if it isn't, we still get free beer out of it. (Time passes. Andrea directs Trent to a very run-down pub, the kind which would cause your mother to turn in her grave if (a) she saw you go near it, and (b) she was dead. Since neither Daria nor Jane's mother is dead, they had nothing to worry about.) Daria (looking at the bar): Ah, "Ye Old Rusty Tap." Just the place I wanted to spend my final hours. Andrea (glancing at her watch): Hour. Three-quarters or an hour, actually. Daria (crossing her arms, looking forward): Right. Three-quarters of an hour. Andrea (to Daria): You still think this is all a big joke, don't you? Daria (to Andrea, arms still crossed): Of course not. I always listen to people shouting, "The End is Nigh." Trent (to Daria): Listen to her, Daria. There's not enough time to explain any more. You'll see once we get onto the ship. Jane (smiling, to Trent): Whoopee! We get a cruise as our last Earthly gift. Daria (to Jane): Yes. The cruise to Hell. And Andrea is the captain. (Andrea gets out of the car, followed by Trent, then Jane, and finally, Daria. They enter the bar. The inside of the bar is just as filthy and rotten as the outside, except that the flies inside the bar are all dead, killed by either the cigar fumes, the cheep booze, or both. However, by comparison, the bartender makes the rest of the bar look spotless.) Bartender (to Daria, Jane, Trent, and Andrea, and eying the three young ladies suspiciously: C'n ah help ye? Trent (to Bartender): Four pitchers of your best beer, please. Bartender (quietly, to Trent): They al' fer ye, me boy? Trent (to Bartender): Um... (Looks back at his underage companions, then back at Bartender) Yes. Yes they are. Bartender (leans back, crosses his arms): An' how'll ye be payin' fer this? (Trent reaches into his pocket and withdraws a wad of money. He hands the entire wad to the bartender.) Jane (alarmed, to Trent): Trent! Trent (to Bartender): Keep the change. Jane (quietly, to Trent): What the Hell do you think you're doing? That looks like your entire life savings! Trent (to Jane): Relax, Janey. I won't need it. The world's about to end, anyway. Jane (scowling, to Trent): Oh, it will, when you wake up sober tomorrow and find that your wallet's empty. (The bartender smiles, then gives Trent four pitchers of beer.) Bartender (turns toward Andrea): So the world is endin', ye say? Andrea (to Bartender): Yes. Bartender (disbelieving, to Andrea): And ye're absolutely cert'n? Daria (sarcastically, to Bartender): Why, don't you listen to every darkly-dressed ill-mannered teenager who tells you the world's about to end? (Andrea scowls at Daria. Trent takes two of the pitchers of beer, and Andrea takes the other two.) Bartender (raises his voice as all turn to leave, to Andrea): Um...how long've we go'? Andrea (back to bartender): About forty minutes. (The bartender counts the money.) Bartender (to himself): The wo'ld mus' be endin'...there's o'er the hun'red dollahs here... an' tha' shit was werth abou' fitteen... (Jane scowls at Trent, Trent ignores her. Daria, Jane, Trent, and Andrea walk into the back of the bar.) Andrea (to all): Bottoms up, girls! You'll need this to absorb the shock. (Starts to chug right from the pitcher. Trent pours himself a glass, then pours one for Jane, then Daria.) Daria (to Andrea): You mean, the shock of having to explain to my parents that I skipped school to go bar-hopping? Andrea (to Daria): Trust me on this, it'll all get explained soon enough. Daria (sits back, to Andrea): Thanks, but I think I'll pass on the beer, though. Andrea (to Daria): You sure you want to do that? Daria (to Andrea): As sure as the sun rises. Andrea (into her beer): That's what you think. (Grabs Daria's pitcher, and starts to chug more.) * * * (The sequence is almost complete, Sir.) (Excellent, Number One.) (The final operation requires your direct authorization, Sir.) (Computer, authorization code Alpha Sigma Phi One Three Five Phi Sigma Alpha Two Sigma Omicron Naught. Proceed with final stage of operation.) (Code verified. Sequence completed.) * * * Andrea (obviously drunk, to all): And then he said, "Hey, you talkin' ta me?" (Bursts out into laughter. Nobody else finds it quite as funny.) (Suddenly, the wind begins to gust outside the bar. It blows so hard that all the windows in the building shatter, sending shards of glass flying into the bar. Then, just as suddenly, the wind dies down.) Andrea (sobering up a little, staring blankly): It's time to go. (Andrea stands, then walks outside. Jane, Daria, and Trent follow [er...two of them sort of stagger...I'll let you figure out which two...] They all see a large, circular object desending slowly from the sky. A weird red light emanates from it.) Daria (looks up at the sky): Oh, shit. Andrea (emphatically, to Daria): NOW do you believe me?!?!? Daria (staring at the object in the sky): I believe I am in my nice, warm, comfortable bed right now, and am having a nightmare. Jane, pinch me. (Jane pinches her.) Daria: Ow! (Looks at Jane, then back at the sky.) God damn it... Jane (glances at Daria): Shall I pinch you again? Andrea (to Daria, Jane, and Trent): We have no time for that. Here, each of you, take one of these beacons. (She hands each of them a small object.) (Daria notices that the objects resemble a slightly rippled window, but she quickly loses that train of thought, as she feels herself [painfully] being ripped through a void of space and time. She then begins to wonder if maybe she should have had that beer, after all.) * * * (Objective completed, sir. The celestial object has been removed from the path of the new highway.) (Excellent. Helmsman, lay in a course for the third planet of the Alpha Centauri system.) (Aye, sir. Course laid in.) (Engage.) Chapter Two: It's The End of the World as we Know It (And I Feel Fine), in which everyone finds out that Andrea was right, after all. (Daria wakes up on a warm bed. She sits up, realizes it was all a dream, stands, trips over Jane [who is slumped on the floor], hits her head against a light switch, takes a look at the room she's in, and realizes she's not in Kansas...er, Lawndale...anymore.) Daria (to herself, in darkness): Great. Just what I needed. To have my planet destroyed. (Daria's talking awakens the others.) Andrea (yawning, to Daria): So, you see, I was right after all. Jane (to Daria): And, for guessing the correct answer, you win a free trip around the world! (The others glance at her.) Oh, wait... nevermind. Daria (eyes closed, leaning forward, hand on forhead): This is all a horrible, horrible nightmare. I knew I shouldn't have read "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." (to Andrea) Next, you'll be handing me a towel, and cramming a fish in my ear. Andrea (to Daria): Well, you're half right...Yes, you do get the towel, but no, since the universe decided on the English standard, fish have become obsolete. Daria (staring forward): Somebody shoot me. Jane (turns slightly toward Daria): Why? This is just getting good. Just think...no more school, no more fashion club... Trent (to Jane): Janey? Jane (back to Trent): Yeah? Trent (to Jane): I forgot to tell you...you forgot your house key when you left for school today. Jane (to Trent): That's a bit moot now. Trent (ponders for an instant): I guess it is. Daria (monotone, to Andrea): So, Andrea, you're telling me that the Earth is now simply a few chunks of floating rock, my entire family is dead, and all that I've ever known is now simply space dust. Andrea (matter-of-factly, to Daria): Yes. Daria (staring into space): Give me a moment to think this over. (Glances at her watch.) Okay, I've thought it over. I think this is too much for even me to handle. (Daria faints, Trent catches her before she hits the ground.) Jane (looks toward Daria): So... That's a bad thing? [la la la la la] Chapter Three: Breakfast Revisited, in which Daria finally gets to kill someone. (Daria awakens feeling nauseous.) Daria (sits up, leaning on her hand): Ooh...I think I'm going to be sick... Andrea (to Daria): I told you you should've had that beer. Alcohol helps to cushion one's system before teleportation. Daria (squints at Andrea): A little late for that now (urp)...(sits up) Mmm...somebody hand me a bucket...(they all glance around for a bucket)...too late...(Daria throws up all over the middle of the room) Jane (looks at the puddle): Whoa...that's the first time I've seen anyone throw up from lack of beer... Andrea (to Jane): Believe me...you'll see stranger things, where we're headed. Jane (to Andrea): Where're we headed? Andrea (to Jane): Damned if I know. But it's bound to be strange. Trent (to Jane and Andrea): Nevermind that...somebody find some cedar chips... (looks down at puddle) Hey, isn't that a Cheesy Poof? (Everyone reels from the smell, Daria passes out again.) * * * (Captain, there appears to be a sudden discharge of bioorganic matter in Cargo Bay 13.) (Meaning what?) (Somebody threw up.) (Dispatch a maintenance team.) (Aye, sir.) * * * (Jane, Trent, and Andrea are searching for an exit. However, all the doors leading out are locked. Daria regains consciousness, notices everyone searching around the room.) Daria (sitting up, to all): Where are we, anyway? Andrea (while searching): On board a Noitaredef constructor vessel. The crates are labeled CCND-1071, if that means anything to you. Probably headed toward Alpha Centauri, or some other local, semicivilized solar system. Your stomach feeling any better? Daria (looks around): A little...got any Pepto Bismol? Andrea (still searching): Sorry, but Pepto Bismol was a substance unique to the Earth. Daria (looks toward Andrea): So that means... Trent (reaches into his pocket, pulls out a small pouch): ...That I have the last Pepto Bismol in the universe? Jane (grabs the pouch out of Trent's hand): Had the last Pepto Bismol in the universe. (Hands the Pepto Bismol to Daria.) Daria (to Jane): Thanks. (Just then, the door opens. Jane, Trent, and Andrea are surprised, and are all spotted by the crewman. Daria remains woozily slumped on the floor.) Crewman (sees Daria, as well as her "gift" to the ship; looks back at his companion): Okay, Dawson, grab a mop. this ain't gonna be pretty. (to Daria) And what're you doin' here, young lady? Daria (to Crewman): Um...recovering from motion sickness? Crewman (takes a communicator out of his poccket, talks into it): Captain, it seems we have unintelligent life in the cargo hold. Daria (offended): Hey! Jane (questioningly): Unintelligent?!? Us? Andrea (to Crewman): Oh, we're unintelligent, are we? You're the ones who just killed billions of individuals to build a highway. Crewman (into communicator): Belligerent unintelligent life. Captain's voice: Bring them to the matter/antimatter reaction chambers. We were running low on bioorganic fuel, anyway. Daria (surprised): WHAT?!?!? (Meanwhile, Trent has snuck up behind the crewman, and leaps on him. A struggle ensues, Dawson runs in and grabs Trent; Dawson's sidearm falls to the ground, and lands near Daria. The crewman doesn't notice. Daria picks up the sidearm, aims, and fires it at the crewman as he gets up to leap at Trent. The crewman explodes, and pieces of him fly about the room. Innards and excriment splatter onto Trent.) Daria (very surprised): OH SHIT!!! (Daria drops the sidearm, and Dawson runs for his life.) Jane (picks up the sidearm, looks at it): Hey, Trent, did you know that there's an "immolate" setting on these tings? Trent (sopping with human remains, to Jane): I do now. (to all) Anyone got a towel? Jane (to Trent): No, you were the victim of "dismember." Andrea (to all): Okay, now we REALLY have to get out of here...I doubt the captain will be very happy that Daria just fried one of his men. Daria (in shock, to Andrea): It wasn't my fault! They're always set to "stun" on TV... Jane (looking at sidearm): Funny, I don't see anything labeled "stun." Trent (searching through cargo containers, looking for a towel): forget it, Daria. You had no way of knowing. (Just then, a whole troop of security offers run into the room, brandishing some type of laser-rifle.) Andrea (seeing the security officers, pointing at Daria): It was her! Not me! She did it! She did! Don't kill me! [la la la la la] Chapter Four: Dar Trek, in which Daria meets someone more stubborn than her mother. (After a short time in the brig [and a quick shower or two], Daria, Jane, Tremt, and Andrea are brought before Captain Jean-Pierre Lucard and Commander Richter T. Williams, escorted by a troop of highly-ranked security officers.) Lucard (pacing about the room): (You beam aboard my ship without warning. You make a mess of my cargo bay. Twice. You attack two of my officers, and kill one of them. Williams (standing sternly, to Daria, Jane, Trent, and Andrea): It'll take weeks to clean up that cargo bay! Lucard (glares at Williams, then continues pacing): Men have been brought before a firing squad for far less dissention. Daria (to Lucard): Excuse me, but we aren't your men. Williams (to Daria): Irrelevant! Lucard (stops pacing; quietly, to Williams): Be quiet, Number One. Williams (salutes, to Lucard): Yes, sir. Lucard (walks up to Daria): Irrelevant! You are all on my ship, and therefore, as citizens of the Noitaredef Empire, you fall under my jurisdiction. Jane (to Lucard): We're not citizens of the Noitaredef Empire. Williams (to Jane): Nonsense! Lucard (less quietly, to Williams): Quiet, Number One! Williams (salutes, to Lucard): Yes, sir. Lucard (to Jane): Nonsense! The people of all the planets of this system are citizens of the Noitaredef Empire! Andrea (to Lucard): But there aren't any inhabited planets in this system anymore. You destroyed the only one. Williams (to Andrea): Ridiculous. Lucard: (more audibly, to Williams): Shut up, Number One! Williams (salutes, to Lucard): Yes, sir! Lucard (to Andrea): Ridiculous! Just yesterday, a colony was founded on the ninth planet! Trent (to Lucard): But there aren't that many planets. (Everyone begins to stare at Trent. One officer snickers to himself.) Trent (puzzled, looking around): What? Lucard (turns around, paces): At any rate, protocol dictates that you all be transported into deep space for this... (turns toward Daria, Jane, Trent, and Andrea) this... (angrily) infraction. Jane (alarmed, to Lucard) WHAT? Daria (angrily, to Lucard)): Wait a goddamned minute... Andrea (calmly, to Lucard): I can guarantee, captain, that if you kill us by transporting us into deep space, you will have one helluva lawsuit on your hands! Lucard (turns around to conceal a smirk): Heh. (Security officers escort Daria, Jane, Trent, and Andrea out of Lucard's office, accross multiple decks, and into a transporter room. All four of them are placed into vacuum-sealed transporter tubes. The transporter operator pushes a series of buttons, then all colors become a shimmering white...then black...then shimmering white...and Daria thinks ot herself, "Why the hell did I get out of bed this morning?"...then everything goes black...) Chapter Five: That Lovin' Feeling, in which Daria gains an older sister, and all is once again wrong within the universe. (Daria awakens in a daze, but her stomach feels better. The room is all black. She gets up, and...you guessed it...trips over Jane [who is slumped on the floor], hits her head against a light switch, takes a look at the room she's in, and realizes that, if this is a dream, she really should have woken up by now...) Jane (with eyes closed, sitting up, facing toward Daria): Ouch! I wish you'd start to watch where you're going... (Trent and Andrea are awakened) Andrea (opens her eyes, looks around, to all): Well, we all seem to have survived that without much trouble. (Someone in the hall appears to have heard the commotion. The door opens, and all see a metallic figure with freckles, and red hair with bangs.) Robot (to Daria, Jane, and Andrea): Well, ladies, I see that we are all awake. Trent (offended, to robot): Hey, who you calling a lady? Robot (notices Trent): Whatever. (to Daria, Jane, and Andrea) Please, allow me to introduce myself. I am Upchukkus, personal relations and protocol mechanoid. Daria (thinks to herself): "Upchukkus?" Upchukkus (completely ignoring Trent): Please, follow me, I have been instructed to bring you all to the bridge. (Turns to leave.) Jane (to Daria): He looks kind of familiar... Daria (to Jane): He's awfilly rude. (Jane looks at Daria) You know, to Trent. (Jane smirks toward Daria, Daria looks right at Jane) I hate you. Andrea (to Daria, Jane, and Trent): We might as well follow him. We'll get nothing by waiting around in...(glances around)...here. (All get up, follow Upchukkus out of room, and up to the bridge of the ship. A woman with reddish-blond hair is the sole occupant of the bridge, and she is seated at a navigator's station, facing away from everyone.) Upchukkus (to seated woman): I have brought your guests, to the bridge, just as you ordered. Now, is there anything else I can do for you? A hot oil massage, perhaps? Woman (speaking in an oddly familiar high-pitched voice): Deactivate, Upchukkus. Upchukkus (facing woman): Grrr...Feisty! (He stands upright, the light in his eyes goes out, and his head nods forward slightly.) Woman (still facing away, pounding at the control panel): I'm the one who rescued you all from certain death. You can thank me later...right now, I'm doing my best to escape from that constructor vessel...Lucard doesn't seem too happy that you're all still alive. [Andrea glares at Daria. Daria looks at Jane. Jane glances at Trent. Trent shrugs his shoulders.] Everyone, quickly, get into a seat and fasten your belts! Prepare for overdrive! (Everyone quickly obeys...shortly thereafter, the ship surges forward, and the stars outside streak into white lines.) Woman (still turned away): Finally...we're safe. Daria (exhaustedly): Safe? Ugh...the Earth is destroyed, we're almost killed, and now we're trapped on a ship with who-knows-who at the helm. For all I know, we could be your next meal! Woman (still turned away): Trust me...you're safe on my ship. And I'm not as much of a stranger as you think... (She turns around. Everyone is stunned.) Daria (leans forward, wide-eyed): My God - Quinn! Jane (stunned): What the Hell? Trent (puzzled): Weren't you still in school? Andrea (folds her arms): Okay, I'm stumped. Daria (shocked, still wide-eyed): But...you look like you've aged ten years!!! Quinn (very matter-of-factly): Don't be so surprised...when you've been in space as long as I have, you'll learn to find this sort of thing normal. Daria (completely overwhelmed, slowly): As long as you have????? Quinn (turns back toward the controls): I was in school when the Earth was about to be destroyed...but an advanced civilization from far away had discovered me years before when they opened a celestial observatory, and quite accidentally found the Earth. They began to focus their telescopes on individual nations, cities, then, finally, people, to leard all about this "strange world." They found me right after I entered Lawndale high. It's a bit embarrassing, but...they began to worship me as a godess. (blushes slightly) They are not fully corporeal, and can exist during multiple instances of time simultaneously...so, a few hours ago, when the Earth was destroyed, they rescued me, and brought me to their world. I remained there for five years, and learned from them. But then I began to think about you, Daria, and wished that you could've been there...you were always such a brain, I knew you would've loved it! But you'd perished five years ago, in that horrible act of destruction... Well, I brought my concerns to the planet's council of elders, and, though they could not transport both me and a ship directly to the Earth before its destruction, they could send me and the ship back in time five years...you see, their world is five light years away. So, for the past five years, I've been on course toward Earth in this custom-built Quantum Overdrive-fitted ship, The Millennius. I'd all but given up hope when I got here, and found out that I was only just a little late to save you, but then I picked up your biosignatures on board that constructor vessel. My transporters couldn't penetrate their force field, but when they tried to teleport you into deep space, I was able to capture your patterns, and divert you into the room in which you awoke. (Daria passes out in her chair.) Chapter Six: Method To My Madness, in which the gaping plot holes are somewhat filled. This chapter is not going to be like the first five...there will be no dialogue, no story advancement...its sole purpose is to fill the slowly-growing holes in the plot. Therefore, if you have a short attention span (or just don't care), feel free to skip ahead to chapter seven, for it will probably be more interesting. Andrea is originally from a small planet, in the vicinity of Beta Centauri. Her planet was destroyed by a Noitaredef constructor vessel, much like Earth was. Andrea isn't her real name; but her real name is too stupid for her to actually tell it to anyone. (Imagine something worse than "Slartibartfast.") At any rate, she was vacationing on the forest moon of Endor while her planet was being destroyed, so she was pretty much stranded with no money, few belongings, and no relatives to mooch from. She tried a few odd jobs, until finally getting an entry-level, low-paying job working for The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, one of the miltiverse's most widely-read publications, and THE #1 source for all information about people, places, and things. She travelled all over the galaxy, meeting new people, seeing new places, and loving every minute of it. Unfortunately, the advent of time travel drove the guide into bankruptcy - one or two people could travel 50 or 100 years into the future, pick up a copy or two of the guide, return to their own time, and copy and sell the future Guides - containing all the information anyone in the present could ever want, and then some - thereby making an incredible profit, and rendering their own time's Guide obsolete. The Guide went completely out of business, causing the future Guides never to have been written. (Many lawsuits were filed against the individuals who brought the future Guides to the present; the usual evidence was a small, handheld computer labeled "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," but containing no data.) Few actual copies of the Guide still exist; they are strewn here and there accross the timestream, and are worth a small fortune when (if ever) are discovered. Andrea has one of those copies, albeit outdated. Andrea had been on assignment on Earth when she learned of the Guide's bankruptcy.... and the sudden disappearance of transportation off of the planet. She was stranded in a town named Lawndale, with a 10-year lease on a house (courtesy of the Guide), but no money or method of interplanetary communication or transportation. From her studies about people in that area of the world, she knew that something called a "Diploma" would be needed to obtain a job in the aerospace industry...and a job in the aerospace industry was her only way of introducing interplanetary travel to these primitive people, and the only way to get herself off of the planet. (As pathetic as it may seem, the people of Earth refuse to listen to anyone without a series of meaningless sheets of paper, known as "Degrees," which state that a particular individual has been able to prove he knows enough to earn the sheet of paper.) Although she was a full adult, Andrea's physical appearance was close enough to that of an Earth teenager that she was able to enroll in the local high school, and she constructed holographic "parents" to appease the inhabitants of the school. (Not that she needed to - Andrea's holograms were more substantial than most human parents, even if they were a bit lacking in personality...she probably could've gotten away with using cardboard cutouts. But she didn't want to take any chances.) Andrea hated the primitive inhabitants of Earth. She even went so far as to take up a hobby in the following of the undead, since she always found the undead to be better conversationalists than the non-dead. Two individuals, though, stood out to Andrea - Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane. They appeared to be somewhat above the other inhabitants of the planet, in both intelligence and perceptiveness. She became fascinated with their humor and knowledgability, but maintained her distance to protect her true identity. All had been going well enough for Andrea, until one day, when she awakened to hear the blip of a Noitaredef constructor vessel on her digital watch. Her first thought was to get off of the planet, so she scanned the Noitaredef vessel's schematics, and discovered a security hole which would allow a small number of individuals to transport onboard while its megalasers were disintigrating the planet. Her second thought was to check the DNA samples she'd taken from Daria and Jane to find out the amount of luck enzymes which they produce. Luck, in fact, is controlled genetically; a part of the X-chromosome allows for production of luck enzymes. Males, however, are almost never good luck carriers, because (unfortunately for them) a section of the Y-chromosome causes production of a protein which reacts with the luck enzymes, neutralizing them. That's one reason human males oftan refer to sexual intercourse as "getting lucky" - since they have little luck themselves, they can only acquire it by sleeping with a member of the opposite sex - the hair, sweat, secretions, etc. mix, and the male ends up "receiving som luck." Of course, it wears off quickly, so the process must be repeated frequently for the effect to be close to permanent. Andrea confirmed her beliefs that Daria and Jane had an incredibly large amount of luck (they were, after all, above the other residents of this pitiful little world in the areas of intelligence and creativity - on a world like Earth, you need to be lucky to excel in these areas). She went to Jane's older brother, Trent, and told him this entire schpiel. (She needed him to acquire the beer...she was in high school, after all.) He agreed to help her, then they drove to Lawndale High to find Daria and Jane. And that's where Chapter One begins. Assume Daria learns all of this from Andrea after she awakens. I don't feel like working it all into the story. Chapter Seven: Over One Quintillion Served, in which we learn that there is, in fact, something worse than a McDonald's hamburger. (It has been several hours since Quinn has related her story, and Daria's fainting spells have finally subsided. She realizes that she has had little to eat that day, and is incredibly hungry. Everyone is seated, either reading the ship's panels or trying to sleep.) Daria (uneasily, as though still in disbelief): Say...(pauses)...Quinn...is there anything to eat around here? Quinn (concentrating on the console at which she is seated, to Daria): Oh there are food synthesizers on the middle deck. Daria (cybically, to Quinn): Ah...the things which make nothing but nutritional drinks which taste almost, but not quite, entirely unlike tea. Quinn (still concentrating on console, to Daria): No, that was the previous model. The manufacturer fixed that bug in this revision. Daria (rolling her eyes, leans back, looks up at ceiling): Why is it that this seems exactly like "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy," except that the datails are all wrong... Andrea (turns toward Daria): Oh, those novels took place along a different continuum within the multiverse. Daria (closes her eyes, leans forward, and puts her hand to her head): Glad I asked. Quinn (turns toward Daria): Though the solid foods produced by the synthesizer are atrocious, the beverages are, quite certainly, tea. (Trent appears as though he's about to say something, then stops.) Quinn (turns toward Trent): Yes, I know. but there are plenty of Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket joints scattered all over the universe. Jane (had been leaning back with her eyes closed, opens her eyes and looks up at Quinn): Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket, eh? Sounds almost scrumptious. Daria (sarcastically, to Quinn): Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket? You've got to be kidding me. Quinn (returns her gaze to the console): It used to be Monolith Burger, until the company was sued for copyright infringement, and that whole "truth in advertising" thing got started... Daria (to Quinn): Is that Monolith Burger as in the Monolith Burger from those Space Quest games? Quinn (turns to Daria): Not at all. In fact, the food from the games is better. Andrea (sits up, looks around): Well, I don't know 'bout you guys, but I've been out of space for so long that I could go for a Super Triple Monolith Extra-Cholesterol Supreme Burger right now. Quinn (turns to Andrea): Sorry, they son't serve those anymore. Remember, it's Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket, not Monolith Burger. Andrea (to Quinn): Which means? Quinn (turns back toward console): It's now a Bucket o' Extra-Cholesterol Heavily Fried Three-Lumps-of-Meat. Jane (sits back in her seat, smirks): That definitely sounds scrumptious. Quinn (pushes a few buttons on the console): Well, Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket it is. (She turns to the navigational controls and enters a few coordinates.) Daria (to Quinn): Isn't there a pizza joint we could go to? That Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket place sounds a bit... Jane (turns toward Daria): Horrific? Daria (turns toward Jane): To put it mildly. Quinn (turns toward Daria and Jane): Sorry, there's nothing out in these deep recesses of space BUT Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket. Think of it as a sort of interstellar McDonald's: Over One Quintillion Served. Trent (eyes closed, appears to be sleeping, though is wide awake): That's an awful lot of burgers. Andrea (sits back in her seat): If you wish to call them that. (The Millennius pulls into the parking lot [more like a graveyard for space ships, some of which appear to be operable] of Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket, located on a small space station orbiting the moon Io. The establishment itself is not unlike an everyday McDonald's, although the large, curved M had to be removed for this story [that whole copyright thing] [and, besides, it's now Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket, and not Monolith Burger], and the doors are double-sealed to prevent leakage of atmosphere. And, of course, there is the omnipresent sign "Over One Quintillion Served." Everyone enters. Daria is the first to walk up to the ordering terminal. [It's the future, you expect them to hire underpaid, overly-complaining high school students to take orders? Hell no! Instead, undermaintained, overpriced computers are used. Of course, the move to artificially-intelligent machines in order to improve efficiency has backfired somewhat...the machines have recently organized a union, and are threatening to lace the burgers {sorry, I mean Greasy Crap, I hate this whole "truth in advertising" thing} with vile toxins {as opposed to nonvile toxins?} if they don't begin to receive proper maintenance, extra energy input, and Sex Drives {think of it as a sort of computer disk drive, only with a different sort of interface...} But, that's another story.] An unusual symbol, sort of like a curved window with tails, is present on the screen. Daria makes a realization.) Daria (to Andrea): Microsoft owns Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket? Andrea (to Daria): Microsoft owns everything. Daria (quizically, looks back at screen): But, it was destroyed, along with the rest of the things on Earth. Andrea (looks at Daria): That's what YOU think. That was only the founding office, there on Earth. Bill wanted that superspace highway to be built, so he relocated Microsoft HQ to Alpha Omicron Tattibus, and had his fleet bulldoze the Earth. Jane (to Andrea): But I thought you said the Noitaredef destroyed the Earth. Quinn (to Jane): Who do you think owns the Noitaredef Empire? Microsoft owns everything... everything. They even owned the Guide. Trent (to Jane): Hey, Janey...what's Microsoft? Jane (to Trent): A lot of bullshit. They also made Windows 95. Trent (looks up): Ah. Quinn (to Daria and Jane): Don't worry about The Millennius, though. It's running AmigaOS. Daria (to Quinn): Um...Quinn...this may be an odd question, but...(pauses) Quinn (turns toward Daria): Yes? Daria (uncertainly, to Quinn): What's...Amiga? [la la la la la] * * * (Captain.) (Yes. Number One?) (We've managed to track the ion trail from the Millennius. The perpetrators left on a course toward a local Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket.) (A local what?) (Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket. It's the new name for Monolith Burger, Sir.) (Excellent. Helmsman, lay in a course.) (But, sir, we have more than enough provisions on the ship already.) (Oh, shut up and lay in the course.) (Aye, sir. Course laid in.) (Engage.) Chapter Eight: Dar Trek II: The Wrath of Lucard, in which stuff gets blown up. (Daria, Jane, Trent, Andrea, and Quinn downed their charred nutritional supplements - aka four Buckets o' Greasy Crap, one Cheesy Bucket o' Greasy Crap, and two Chicken Crap Surprises [surprise! That's not chicken]. Suddenly, Andrea's watch begins to beep.) Andrea (while looking at her wach): Crap. Daria (wishing she hadn't ordered a Chicken Crap Surprise, leaning back in her seat): Ooh...no more, thnks... Andrea (turns toward Daria): No, I mean this is bad. Daria (closes her eyes, slumps down): I'll say... Andrea (more seriously, to Daria): No...I mean this is bad. Jane (to Andrea): How bad? Andrea (to Jane): Remember those guys who tried to kill you? Jane (smirking, to Andrea): Which ones? Andrea (scowling, to Jane): The most recent ones. Jane (smirking, leaning back in her seat, to Andrea): Oh, those buys who tried to kill us. Trent (to Andrea): What about them? Andrea (to Daria, Jane, and Trent): They're on a course toward Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket. Quinn (looks up from the remnants of her partially-eaten meal): Oh, I'm sure we have nothing to worry about. Everyone in this sector of space comes to Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket. (The Noitaredef constructor vessel we have all come to know and love suddenly pulls to a stop within the Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket parking lot [okay, so it's a rather large parking lot]. Five officers teleport into the dining area.) Quinn (to Daria, Jane, Trent, and Andrea): See? They're probably just here to get some food. Daria (to Quinn): (urp) They serve food here? (Each of the five officers pulls out something which looks like a phaser rifle.) Andrea (looking at officers): They don't, and they're not. Officer 1 (looking around): Everyone, please stay right where you are. We do not mean to alarm you, we are simply looking for a fugitive from the Noitaredef government. All the exits have been sealed, but you will all be free to go once we find the individuals we are looking for. Trent (to officers): I saw them! they were in the kitchen. (The first officer looks at the others, makes a signal, and all move into the kitchen.) Jane (to Trent): Good, thinking, Trent. Now what? Trent (to Jane): Hey, you want me to think of everything? (Quinn pulls out a small communicator.) Quinn (quietly, into communicator): Upchukkus, wake up. Do you read me? Upchukkus (through communicator): Loudly and clearly, oh Mistress. Quinn (quietly, into communicator): Quickly, beam us all back to The Millennius! Upchukkus (through communicator): Your wish is my command. (All teleport out of Monolith Burger. Much like any other fast-food joint, nobody on the premesis seems to notice or care.) * * * (Our sensors have detected an unauthorized teleportation from within Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket.) (WHAT? Aren't the shields in place?) (Shields, Sir?) (Oh, shut up. Track the signal.) * * * (Back on The Millennius, Quinn quickly rushes up to the bridge, and everyone else follows. Quinn starts up the ship's engines, and the ship pulls out of the Greasy Foul-Smelling Fried Crap in a Bucket parking lot. Shortly after, the Noitaredef vessel commences pursuit.) Quinn (at the helm, pounding at several controls): We should be safe soon...(pauses) aw, Hell. Daria (to Quinn): What? (Suddenly, a communications beacon sounds, and two familiar faces appears on the main viewscreen.) Lucard (on-screen): Unidentified nonimperial craft, I am Captain Jean-Pierre Lucard of the Noitaredef Constructor Vessel Exodus. Williams (on-screen): And I am First Officer Richter T. Williams. Lucard (quietly, to Williams, on-screen): Shut up, Number One. (to all) We have reason to believe that you are harboring several fugitives from justice. Williams (on-screen): You are hereby ordered to slow to a stop and prepare to be boarded, or else. Quinn (to WIlliams): Or else, what? Williams (quietly, to Lucard, on-screen): Or else, what, sir? Lucard (gives Williams a questionable look, then speaks to all, on-screen): Or else we will be forced to disable your ship using any means necessary. Williams (on-screen): Yes! Lucard (this time, audibly, on-screen): Shut up, Number One. Williams (to Lucard, on-screen): Aye, Sir. (Quinn pushes a few buttons on her console.) Quinn (to Lucard, but looking at console): I'm sorry, but we have other plans. Lucard (on-screen): Very well. Helmsman, fire! Helmsman's Voice: Aye, sir. (A single Krypton Torpedo is fired at The Millennius.) Helmsman's Voice: Impact in three...two... (All onblard The Millennius except Quinn and Upchukkus brace for impact. Daria expects the worst. Jane leaps underneath a chair. Nothing happens.) Helmsman's Voice: What the Hell? Daria (awaiting the impending explosion, long-faced): Did it hit us? Lucard (on-screen, turns toward Helmsman): Report! Helmsman's Voice: Their shields seem to have absorbed the entire force of the impact. Lucard (astonished, on-screen): Impossible! Quinn (to Lucard): Oh, it's possible, alright. (Quinn pushes two more buttons, then two oddly-shaped projectiles are fired toward the Exodus. The first impacts with the Exodus's shields, producing a sudden flash of light which envelops the entire ship. The second projectile proceeds to impact with the left nacelle. On the viewscreen, all see that the inside of the Exodus is rocked by the force of the impact.) Williams (struggling not to fall, on-screen): What the Hell? Lucard (speaks into his wrist communicator, on-screen): Engineering! Report! What the Hell just happened? Engineer's Voice: Sir, our left nacelle has been almost totally obliterated by the impact of some unknown type of projectile. Lucard (into communicator, on-screen): What about our shields? Engineer's Voice: Our shields were wiped out by the first projectile. It appears to have sent a negative-feedback pulse directly to the shield generators, shorting them out. Lucard (into communicator, on-screen): What the Hell caused it? Engineer's Voice: Unknown, Sir. Lucard (into communicator, on-screen): You're fired. Engineer's Voice: Aye, Sir. Lucard (to Daria, Jane, et al; on-screen): You may have won this battle...but, rest assured, we will be back. Williams (on-screen): And we will be fitted with MORE weapons, LARGER weapons, DEADLIER weapons... Lucard (to WIlliams, on-screen): Oh, shut up, Number One! Quinn (to Lucard and Williams): Stuff it, already. (presses another button) (An energy bolt fires toward the top of the Exodus. The viewscreen goes black.) Daria (surprised, to Quinn): Quinn! You killed them all? Quinn (turns from console): Don't be silly, Daria...that was simply a Stun Beam. That guy spews out too much hot air. Jane (ponders for a moment, then looks up): Hmm...next time, be sure to kill 'em all, kay? (Daria and Quinn give Jane a look) Jane (smirks, to Daria and Jane): What? [la la la la la] Chapter Nine: The Way, in which Daria decides it's time to take a vacation. (Everyone is on the bridge of The Millennius. The Millennius is flying through space) Daria (looking at Quinn): So, what exactly do we do now? Quinn (tapping at console): Oh, you know... fly around, go to malls, explore the universe... the usual stuff. Jane (smiles, to Daria and Quinn): I know! Let's give gunpowder to underdeveloped civilizations, and see what happens! Upchukkus (walking onto bridge): Oh, ladies! Quinn (gets out of seat, walks over to Upchukkus): Oh, shut up! (hits a hidden switch on Upchukkus's side, Upchukkus's slumps forward slightly and the lights in his eyes go off) That's better. (goes back to the helm) Daria (looks at Upchukkus, then turns to Quinn as she walks back to the helm): Interesting toy. What form of drug-induced psychosis caused that thing's existence? (gestures toward Upchukkus) Quinn (to Daria): It wasn't really my idea... I was experimenting with "robot intelligence-" Daria (interrupting): But doesn't that require an intelligent designer? Quinn (continuing): I was experimenting with "robot intelligence," because it was awfully lonely travelling through deep space by myself. (gestures toward Upchukkus) That was my first success. Jane (gestures toward Upchukkus): You call that a success? Quinn (to Jane): Relatively speaking, of course, it was a success. (to Daria and Jane) But it...well...had a personality not unlike someone we all remember... so, I decided to give the robot red hair, and name it appropriately... Daria (disgustedly): Upchukkus. Andrea (points at Upchukkus): It's creations like that which made me vote "Yes" on the "Lobotomies for Inventors" issue. Daria (to Andrea): It was too late for that already. Andrea (to Daria): Mmm...can't argue with that logic... Quinn (turns back toward console): At any rate, Upchukkus has been my only companion these past three years. Sure, he can be annoying... (all glare at her) Okay, so he's inherently annoying. But I can't just deactivate him! Andrea (looks at Upchukkus): He could prove useful, actually... Daria (smirks, to Andrea): Right, like the chronically depressed robot Marvin from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy...any time something is too dangerous for us, we can use Upchukkus. Jane (smirks, to Daria and Jane): Maybe he'll have a cool robot peg-leg before the story's over. Daria (to Jane): Forget it. The story's over. Andrea (surprised, to Daria): What?!? But our adventures are only just beginning! Trent (to Andrea): I'm with Daria. This all just feels too...weird to go on. Quinn (turns, to Daria): So, what are you saying? Daria (to Quinn): I'm saying, let's all go find some nice, tropical jungle world and live the rest of our lives in peace. Jane (to Quinn and Andrea): It's not like you all have much of a choice...after all, Daria is the star. Andrea (begrudgingly, to Daria and Jane): Oh, very well. Quinn (turns back toward console): I know this great place on Omicron Philosophates IV... (And so The Millennius flies into deep space, its occupants ignorant of what the future holds... Adventure? Excitement? Romance? Other?) (A spotlight appears, Daria is seen behind it.) Daria: Personally, I vote for "Other." (Smiles.) The End...?