Daria's Disciples

Morgendorrfer living room...

"Tips for reconstructive surgery from Dr. Frankenstein. Next on Sick, Sad World."

Jane sighs as she clicks off the TV

Daria That sounded like the sigh of someone who's distraught. After getting no answer Ok, ok stop! I can't take your outpouring of feelings any longer.

Jane What? Oh, sorry. You know how I hate keeping things bottled up. I might burst like that water tower back in third grade. How would you like pieces of my skin, blood and guts splatter painted all over your living room?

Daria moves from the couch to the chair with a look of feigned sickness.

Jane ignoring Daria's reaction Did you ever wish you were popular?

Daria with absolutely no hesitation No.

Jane sounding almost hopeful Not even a teeny, tiny bit?

Daria humoring Jane Well,... no. She shakes her head for emphasis. Why the sudden need for senseless human interaction?

Jane moves to the other end of the couch, closer to Daria's newly acquired seat and drapes her arms over the side. Don't get me wrong, .I love spending the weekend hanging out with just one best friend.

Daria deadpan Uh oh, this is where we break up. Is it my breath? My lack of personal hygiene? I'll bet it's my minuscule vocabulary.

Jane ignoring Daria again I mean, there are so many ways we can communicate. But just once I'd like to have a group of friends large enough to fill a table in the cafeteria. Or maybe be part of a group where no one really cares about anyone but themselves.

Daria Should I tell Quinn to call a special meeting of The Fashion Club to discuss inducting two new members?

Jane tumbling back into reality from her visions of popularity At least with the two of us hanging out alone so much we don't have to do much explaining.

Daria I'm glad you're back. I was beginning to think I'd lost the only other sane person I've ever met. After a moment of thought, Daria continues sarcastically. But, if we were members of The Fashion Club we'd be so popular we could hang out with different people every night.


Jane Speak of the devils...

Quinn running down the stairs I'll get it! It's for me.

Daria Oh darn. I really wanted to greet The Fabulous Fashion Club.

Quinn horrified Daria, you can't get the door! They'll think you live here or something.

Jane Where would they get a crazy idea like that?

Quinn I don't know, but I can't take any chances. Just think what it would do to my reputation if my friends thought you actually lived here. She shudders and reaches for the doorknob. Then, she quickly ushers Sandi, Tiffany and Stacey past the living room and upstairs.

The phone rings, and Daria picks it up. Hello.

Helen Hi, honey. It's mom. Your father and I are in our hotel room now. Is everything ok there?

Daria without emotion Sure.

Helen Has The Fashion Club arrived yet?

Daria Yep. And they've invited a few boys over. They're all going to sleep in Quinn's room tonight.

Helen That's nice, dear. You girls don't stay up too late. We'll call again tomorrow after our meetings, ok?

Daria Whatever.

Helen Goodnight.

Daria 'Night.

Jane Pizza?

A peal of laughter is heard from Quinn's room followed by the ringing of her private phone.

Daria Pizza.

Later that night...

The Fashion Club is sleeping in Quinn's room. Daria and Jane tiptoe past to Daria's room and fall asleep quickly. Daria begins to dream. She is switching books from her backpack to her locker as they approach.

Sandi Hello, Daria.

Stacey and Tiffany Yeah. Hello, Daria.

Daria grudgingly returns the greeting. The trio encircles her and stares interestedly at her. Jane comes up. She squeezes between Sandi and Tiffany to get to her locker and raises her eyebrows at Daria.

Jane When did you become a super-model, and why didn't you tell your best friend?

Daria I didn't. Turning to Sandi Did you just call me Daria?

Sandi Yeah. That is your name, isn't it? She looks terrified, as if she actually cares about getting Daria's name right.

Daria Yeah, but... she can't help herself why?

Jane starts backing off, waving her hands. Wait a minute. Did I miss something?

Stacey We just came over to ask Daria to teach us to be more like her.

Sandi Sta-cey, I was supposed to be the one to tell her.

Stacey looking like a scolded puppy Sorry.

Daria and Jane What?!

Quinn upset because she isn't the center of attention and becoming nervous when she realizes that Daria is. What's going on?

Daria matter-of-factly I've got disciples.

Quinn What?! The three J/s catch her when she faints.

That evening...

The Fashion Club is huddled in Daria's room Daria and Jane sit on Daria's bed watching as each girl models her new outfit. All three are wearing exact replicas of Daria's ensemble, right down to the glasses. In the midst of this hubbub, Quinn opens the door, screams and runs.

Tiffany in her usual drawl What's her problem?

Sandi She's not as cool as we are. She thrusts her pointy nose into the air.

The next day at lunch...

Daria and Jane sit at a table with Sandi, Tiffany and Stacey.

Jane looking at all the green jackets around her I gotta change my style of dress.

Daria trying not to choke on the food that the three J's keep trying to shove into her mouth Yeah. Dressed like that you don't fit in at this table.

At a table in the far corner sits a forlorn looking Quinn. She's thinking how could her friends dessert her for Daria? She has to do something about it. She sighs and sneaks out of the cafeteria. She has no need to sneak; however, for no one is paying any attention to her. On her way out, she spies Joey, Jamie and Jeffery or whatever kneeling in admiration around Daria. Bitterly, she thinks {VO} "What would Daria do with a guy? She'd probably let him decide where to go and what to do".

Soon, lunch is over, and people begin filing out of the cafeteria. As they do, they stop to gape at a figure coming down the hall.

Daria Look out. It's a walking vat of vindictiveness.

Brittany Don't be silly, Daria. Bats don't walk. They fly.

Stacey shakily What is it?

Jane Whatever it is, it sure ain't from this planet.

Daria You can say that again. It's Quinn. And she's looking quite stylish today I might add.

Quinn tossing her head and twirling runway style Hello, everyone. How do I look? She is dressed exactly like Daria except for the large brown choker around her neck.

Jane to Daria Like something dredged up from the depths of Picasso's imagination.

Tiffany Where did you get that choker, Quinn? I've never seen anything so cool. She approaches Quinn and fingers the choker.

Stacey casting a tentative glance at Sandi Yeah.

Quinn smugly, as if her choker was the Hope Diamond. I got it at this cool new store in the mall. You'll have to go there with me sometime. The sales-guy who sold it to me was really cute.

Sandi still standing with the crowd, lips pursed, arms folded. That necklace may be cool, but it doesn't match that outfit. Stacey looks at Sandi, folds her arms and glares in Quinn's direction. She can't bring herself to glare directly at Quinn.

Quinn defensively Of course it doesn't. I was a little unsure of what to wear today. I haven't gotten enough beauty sleep lately, so my brain is a little tired. She hopes Sandi will buy her excuse and feel sorry for her.

Jane A little?

Daria Brain?

Sandi displaying mock concern Gosh, Quinn. It's a good thing you came to us now before you wore something even more hideous than that.

Tiffany Yeah. And you were so brave to admit that you were having fashion trouble in front of everyone.

Quinn So, will you guys help me? Say, {as if she just came up with the idea} my house? 7:30 tonight? She tilts her head and bats her eyelashes for added affect.

Tiffany and Stacey excitedly Sure!

The next morning...

Daria is at her locker when they approach her.

Sandi Hi, Daria.

Stunned, Daria freezes.

Sandi Daria? Daria is too terrified to respond. Daria!

Jane roughly shaking Daria Daria!

Daria Huh? She sits up and rubs her eyes. What a nightmare! That's the last time I listen to you before I go to sleep. At Jane's confused look, Daria recounts her dream.

Jane Wow! I should get a licence for giving people nightmares. Jane Lane, Subconscious Destruction Inc. Need a nightmare? Call 1-800-TERROR.

There is a knock on Daria's door.

Sandi {OS} Daria or whatever, we really need your help.

Daria opens the door to see the four Fashion Club members gazing expectantly at her. She looks at Jane, and the two exchange a mental groan.

Alter Egos.