[INT Morgendorffer House hallway]
Daria: Okay Quinn, I’m off for my dates
Quinn: Okay, have a good time.
[CU Daria leaning on wall]
Daria: [V.O.] five seconds, tops [out loud] one… two… three… four… five.
[XCU Daria, shocked][Pan out. Daria walks off screen Cut to…]
[…Daria walking downstairs. Takes small, oval-shaped glasses and puts them on.]
[Reverse angle. We see Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie at open door staring at made over Daria.]
[Reverse angle to see Daria reaching landing and coming toward open door.]
Daria: Sorry, Joey, Jeffy, Jamie.
[Daria’s POV. XCU Jamie]
Jamie: (interrupting) You got my name right!
[Three J’s POV. XCU Daria]
Daria: It’s not that hard of a name to remember. Anyway, sorry I couldn’t deliver Quinn.
[Daria’s POV. CU Joey, Jeffy, & Jamie]
Joey: That’s okay, Daria. So, you wanna go to a movie?
Jeffy: Maybe we can go to chez pierre.
Jamie: I can take you to a Broadway show.
[Three J's POV XCU Daria]
Daria: Why don’t we just go out for pizza?
[Daria’s POV. Three J’s CU Adlib agreements.]
[XCU Daria flashing Mona Lisa smile.]
[EXT Pizza King]
[INT Pizza King. Zoom in to Daria and Three J’s talking]
Joey: So Daria, would you like some more pizza?
Jeffy: I can get you a soda.
Jamie: Would you like some twisty-bread?
[CU Jeffy and Jamie]
Daria: No thanks, Jamie.
Jamie: You got my mane right! Quinn never gets my name right.
Jeffy: So do you have anymore Melody Powers?
Jamie: Yeah! She rocks!
[Cut to CU Daria and Joey]
Joey: A lot better than Quinn’s fry poem.
[Daria fishes a piece of paper out of her book bag. Adlibbed cry of "Me, me" from Jeffy and Jamie.]
Joey: My turn to read! (Reading from the piece of paper.) "When Melody Powers found out she was on her way to Jamaica, she knew she’d have to pack some sun-tan lotion along with her bazooka and howitzer…" [fade out]
[CU side view of Jane and Daria. Daria is still dressed as Quinn.]
Jane: So Quinn didn’t take the bait, I gather?
Daria: How did you guess?
[Cut to front view of Daria and Jane.]
Jane: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it was the makeup that tipped me off. Or the belly shirt. Just how long are you going to dress like that?
Daria: Until Quinn comes out of it. Or I gnaw off one of my legs. Whichever comes first.
[Cut to side view of Daria and Jane]
[Enter from left, Joey]
Joey: Hey Daria! Can I carry your books?
[Enter from left, Jeffy]
Jeffy: Hey Daria! Can I carry your pens?
[Enter from left, Jamie]
Jamie: Hey Daria! you got any hair scrunchies I can carry?
Daria: I’m all set, thanks.
Jane: You can carry some of my stuff.
[Three J’s adlib "Okay" and "Sure"]
Daria: (surprised and annoyed) Jane!
Jane: Hey, what else are they good for?
[Ext. Lawndale High]
[Int. Lawndale High Highway]
[We see Daria and Jane on their usual spot on the locker]
Sandi: (O.S.) Hello! Like Daria or whatever?
[Pan Left to see Sandi, Stacy and Tiffany.]
[Pan as they walk until Daria and Jane are on screen with them.]
Sandi: You have great fashion sense, and you seem like you’re getting more and more popular. Could you be the Fashion Club’s, like, Vice President or whatever?
Daria: But what about Quinn?
Sandi: Quinn who?
Daria: I’m sorry, Sandi. But I wouldn’t make a good vice president.
Jane: That’s a relief.
Daria: (gesturing at Jane) But here’s someone who’s just perfect for the position. This is my best friend, Jane.
Jane: (surprised and annoyed) Daria!
Daria: If I have to go through this, I’m taking you with me.
[Reverse Angle. Sandi squints at Jane.]
Sandi: Ooo, wow! You’re right, Daria! She looks really alternative, and we need some new styles.
Daria: And a complete lack of ambition on her part.
Sandi: Really?
Jane: Of course. I don’t even want the veepee position.
Sandi: Well, that’s settled. (to Daria) Now what are we going to do with you? I don’t want a maverick hanging around. Are you good at math?
Daria: I know two plus two doesn’t equal five.
[Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany chuckle.]
Stacy: Good one, Daria. Seriously, we need a treasurer, since Tiffany doesn’t want to double with fashion coordinator What do you say?
Daria: (sighs) What the hell.
Tiffany: Cool. My widdle noggin’ was getting schloompy.
Jane: I bet.
Sandi: And that helps cover that brain fad, too. Thanks, Daria.
[Cut to Daria and Jane in student parking lot]
Daria: I can’t believe this. Just over some makeup and clothes.
Jane: And let’s not forget the cute little oval shaped glasses. By the way, Trent’s picking us up.
Daria: (blushing) Trent?
[INT Trent’s car. All crammed in front seat with Daria in the middle.]
Jane: So Trent, what do you think of Daria’s new look?
Trent: (squirming) Uh… looks okay.
Daria: (mutters) thanks.
Jane: (nudging Daria) Daria, Give me some elbow room! Scoot your fat butt over!
[Jane’s angle. Daria yelps. Trent turns]
Daria: Trent, who’s driving?
[EXT Overhead View: Trent’s Car Skids]
[EXT. Pizza King]
[INT. Pizza King: Booth. Trent and Jane sitting across from Daria. Trent is staring at Daria.]
[XCU of Trent]
Daria: Is he catatonic or has he just found a way to sleep with his eyes open?
[Pan out to see Jane waving hand in front of Trent’s face.]
Jane: Trent? Trent? [to Daria] Hey Daria, can you get us some more sodas?
[Reverse Angle: Trent’s POV. Pan to follow Daria walking to counter getting soda and returning.]
Jane: Don’t drool on your pizza.
Daria: So I started dressing like Quinn…
Jane: …a decision destined to get you thrown into the insane asylum.
Daria: …and all of a sudden, people like me. Trent can’t take his eyes off of me…
Jane: Now I’ve got to get the wimp to ask you out.
Daria: You’re interrupting my monologue.
Jane: I beg your pardon. Continue.
Daria: But the funny thing is, despite my looks, or because of it, I can still act smart and people are okay with it because Quinn turned being smart into a fad.
Jane: And the irony is that now she’s the outcast and you’re the popular one.
Daria: Brains and honesty—good. Superficial phoniness—bad.
Jane: We win.
Daria: I’m on top of the world.
Oh, you may have noticed that #1 in the title. All I’m going to say is that I’ve got a lot of ideas about alternate universe Darias. Sort of like Star Trek. But I’m not promising (or threatening, depending on your perspective) anything at this time. TTFN!
--A.C.