DARIA WALKERS pd2294 (pd2294@hotmail.com) This story is based on the Beavis and Butthead Episode 'Walkathon'. I believe Mike Judge wrote it, but I am not sure. All the scenes with Beavis and Butthead are taken entirely from this episode. I wrote in extra scenes centering on the Morgendorffer family. This story is written for entertainment value only. It may be freely distributed, but no money can be exchanged for it. All "Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters are copyright of MTV Networks, a division of Viacom International, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Special thanks to Mike Judge, Glenn Eichler, Susie Lewis Lynn and any of their associates for creating their shows and characters. Scene 1: Morgendorffer household. JAKE and DARIA are reading the paper, HELEN and QUINN are running around. QUINN Where is my blue belly shirt? HELEN The laundry shrinked it, so I put it aside. Could you please hurry up, Jake? We have got to go. I have to drop off my car at the garage and I need you drop me off at the office. QUINN That shirt is SUPPOSED to shrink. DARIA It's supposed to be worn under the skin. HELEN I don't have time to get it right now. Jake, can you PLEASE hurry? JAKE I can drop you off, but I can't pick you up until 6. I have a meeting with a client this afternoon. He came up with feather shaped candy, but no one will buy it. HELEN But most of the other people in the office are away. You know I hate walking to the train station. DARIA Can't you do it as your power walk? Helen and Jake glare at Daria QUINN Are you going to punish her? If so, can I have some money to buy a new shirt? HELEN We aren't going to punish her, and you can't have any money. Scene 2 (from 'Walkathon'): At School Gym PRINCIPAL MCVICKER and MR. COBB on stage. Highland High students in audience. PRINCIPAL MCVICKER Everybody shut up! And now please give your undivided attention to Mr. Clark Cobb, and his good friend Socko. Uhhh hh hhhh. MR COBB Thank you, young students. I'm Clark Cobb, from Cobb's Family Hardware. Me and Socko here want to tell you of the Christian Businessman's Annual Charity Case Walkathon. SOCKO Mr. Cobb. Is it true that Jesus invented the walkathon, when he walked though onto the Sea of Galilee? MR COBB He He He. That's right Socko. Heh Hee Hee Hee Hee. STEWART Ha Ha Ha. Socko's great! BUTTHEAD Huh Huh Huh. Socko's got a hand up his butt. BEAVIS He He Ha He He He. Yeah!. He He. Scene 3: Morgendorffer home Dinnertime, JAKE and DARIA at table reading newspapers, QUINN talking on the phone. HELEN Anything happen at school today? DARIA Not much. Mr. Buzzcut yelled at us in class when he couldn't find his whistle. He was going to make everyone stand at attention until he realized he put it on his desk. JAKE How come are our girls going to military school? Why can't we send them to the public schools? HELEN Calm down, Jake. Mr. Buzzcut is one of Daria's teachers at Highland High. JAKE I still think we should send them to public schools, away from those military teachers. HELEN I got a call from Clark Cobb from the Christian Business Association. He told me that he was at your school talking about their walkathon. DARIA I seem to recall a guy in the gym with a sock in his hand. I think the sock was trying to tell us something. HELEN I told him that you girls would be participating. QUINN (hangs up phone). Participating! What have you got us doing now? DARIA We are doing the Bataan Death March. HELEN You girls are doing the Charity Case Walkathon. Mr. Cobb is one of my clients, both for Cobb Family Hardware, and the Christian Business Association, and he is very prominent in the Highland Christian community. DARIA Since when did we become Christians? JAKE Religion is very important. We have to take care of our souls. (to Helen) Does this mean we have to start going to church on Sundays? HELEN (whispers) No, Jake, I told him we're Jews. QUINN I can't do this. I don't have the right shoes. DARIA You got tons of shoes. QUINN But not walkathon shoes. Not only do I have to have shoes that are comfortable, but they also have to match the new outfit I have to buy. I also need to know it is going be sunny, since like, that will change the entire color scheme. DARIA I need a new pair of shoes, too. I can't have my shoes clash the roadways. QUINN Shut up, Daria. You don't understand anything about... HELEN Don't start girls. It's settled. Everyone is doing the walkathon on Saturday. JAKE Wait. I'm playing golf this Saturday. Scene 4: Daria and Quinn's bedroom. QUINN is on the phone while DARIA is reading a book. QUINN So we'll do the walkathon together. OK. So how much have you gotten in pledges so far? That much? I have about that much myself. OK, I'll see you later. (hangs up) So Daria, how are you doing on the pledges? DARIA You seem all excited about the walkathon. You wanted to do it even less than I did. QUINN Well Steve asked me to walk with him. He is SO cute. DARIA But what about your other admirers? Mikey and Mark accounted for a good chunk of your pledge money. QUINN They'll be all right. Maybe I'll have someone fill in for me. DARIA Well I have not started yet. QUINN Don't you think you should get started? The thing is in two days. DARIA I might not walk anyway, regardless of what Mom says. QUINN Mom will freak! Besides, I don't think you can get anyone to pledge for you anyway. DARIA I don't know. I think I can scrounge up some pledges. Scene 5 (from 'Walkathon'): Outside Maxi Mart BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD are sitting on curb, drinking their drinks. BEAVIS (Guzzling down his drink and sucking his straw loudly). slhhshh shsh shshsshhs. Maaaaahaahahha! Aaahhh! Ow! Aah. I Got a meettybuttyinmymouth make it stop!! Ow! Ow! BUTTHEAD (over BEAVIS). You dumb ass. You gotta to pace yourself. BEAVIS Ow! Aaaahhhh! Aaaaaa! Rararraraaaaaaaa! aasaaaa! DARIA Hello boys. Ah, learning how to drink from a cup, Beavis? BEAVIS Maaa aaaaa aaa rraaa. Shut up! Diarrhea. Mmee. He He. Daria walks over to Beavis and Butthead. DARIA How come you guys aren't out collecting pledges for the walkathon? BUTTHEAD Ugh. Pledges? DARIA The way you raise money in a walkathon is you get people to pledge money for every mile you walk. (Blank looks on BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD) People give you X amount of money if you walk Y number of miles. (More blank looks) You get people to pay you to walk. BUTTHEAD Cool. Huh Huh. Why didn't you just say so? DARIA So. Will you guys pledge for me? BUTTHEAD Uhhh. OK. Like uuh how much? Uh Huh. DARIA How's a quarter a mile sound? BUTTHEAD Uhh Two quarters a mile? BEAVIS Seventy five cents. Huh Huh (Butthead hits him). Aaahh! BUTTHEAD I just said that, dumbass. (to Daria). OK. Uhh A Dollar. BEAVIS Ten! DARIA (writes in book) Beavis and Butthead - ten dollars a mile. Each. BUTTHEAD Hey! Uhh don't you have to, like, have to do something for us now? DARIA OK, fair is fair. For every mile you walk, I'll pledge you a nickel for you guys to split. BUTTHEAD OK. Huh Huh Huh. DARIA Great! See you at the walkathon. (leaves) (Beavis and Butthead are laughing) BEAVIS Um What's so funny? BUTTHEAD We just totally ripped her off BEAVIS OK. Cool. Huh Huh Scene 6: At Morgendorffer home. JAKE is reading a paper and drinking a martini. DARIA walks in. DARIA Hi, Dad. JAKE Hey, Kiddo. How's the pledge drive? DARIA I have two hundred dollars. JAKE That's great, Kiddo. I knew you could do it. QUINN Two hundred dollars? DARIA I got it from two guys. I guess my boyfriends are more generous than your guys. JAKE You have boyfriends? When will I get to meet them? QUINN Let me see that (takes pledge sheet from Daria). Hey, this is your handwriting, Daria! DARIA They have a little trouble using a pen. But they sure came through with the money. See you later, Quinn. (takes pledge sheet and goes up to bedroom) QUINN That's not fair! Daria is older, so the guys in her grade have more money! Helen gets home and rushes in. HELEN I only have an hour, since I have to get back to the office for a meeting. QUINN Daria is cheating in her pledge sheet! She wrote in pledges for ten dollars a mile from two guys she made up, Beaver and Butco! JAKE They are her new boyfriends. I told her that we wanted to meet them. HELEN Beavis and Butthead are NOT Daria's boyfriends! They are the two boys that she knows from school. I don't see why she spends any time with them. JAKE Oh, those two. They seem like nice boys. HELEN Jake, how can you be so completely ignorant about your daughters? I guess I'll just have to speak to Daria. (leaves) JAKE What did I say? Scene 7: In Daria and Quinn's room. DARIA is sitting up on her bed, reading a book with the TV on in the background. HELEN Daria? DARIA Yes? HELEN I hear that you got some pledges for the walkathon. DARIA The outpouring of support has been overwhelming. People want to make a difference. HELEN You know that you won't get any money from those two boys you signed up. DARIA I don't know, Mom. Beavis and Butthead did a lot of work on the Wall of Youth last year. Too bad someone vandalized it. HELEN Are you sure they weren't the vandals? DARIA Well, you're always saying that we should think the best of the people. I'm thinking they'll come through this time. HELEN (sighs) Well OK, Daria. But I don't think that Mr. Cobb will be too happy if they don't come through with the money. I hope that you are right (leaves) DARIA Don't worry, Mom. They will come though with flying colors. Scene 8: At starting site of walkathon. HELEN drops off DARIA and QUINN. HELEN Have a good time and good luck girls. DARIA We'll make sure to keep hydrated in the hot sun. Helen drives off. MIKEY and MARK approach QUINN MIKEY Hi, Quinn. Can I carry your backpack? MARK I'll take it QUINN You can carry my water bottle, Mark. Can you guys go fill it up for me? MARK Sure, Quinn. MIKEY and MARK leave. QUINN Daria, can you help me find Steve? DARIA Find your own boyfriends. QUINN But you gotta help me! DARIA Isn't that him over there? With that girl in the blue tank top? QUINN sees them and runs over to STEVE, who is talking with CINDI QUINN Steve, you said you would be walking with me! CINDI Steve, who is this? STEVE Hey, I figured we can all walk together. There is enough of me to go around. MIKEY and MARK come over MARK Quinn, here's your water bottle. QUINN opens the bottle and pours water on STEVE'S head. Scene 9 (from 'Walkathon'): At walkathon start site. MR COBB and SOCKO are up at the podium, kicking off the festivities. MR COBB Finally folks, let me say this. Each step you take is like kicking Satan in the keester. You ready, Socko? SOCKO On your mark, get set, go! (Everyone starts walking) MR COBB He He He He. (Beavis and Butthead are still standing there) BUTTHEAD That Sucked! BEAVIS Yeah! They didn't even use a gun! BUTTHEAD It doesn't matter, dude, since we are going to be rich. BEAVIS Yeah! Charity is cool. Scene 10 (from 'Walkathon'). Along the walkathon route BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD are lagging behind the crowd. BEAVIS This sucks! There are too many people walking! BUTTHEAD Yeah! Huh Huh. Let's go this way. (they go off the main drag) Scene 11: Along the route QUINN, MIKEY, and MARK are walking toward the back of the pack. MIKEY Hey, look behind us! Those two kids are going off the route. Maybe they have a shortcut. MARK If they are trying a shortcut, they took the wrong way. That road goes to the warehouses. QUINN Maybe we should take a shortcut. These new shoes are pinching my feet. MIKEY I think there is a shortcut, about another mile up the road. QUINN A MILE? I don't think I can take this much longer! Scene 12 (from 'Walkathon'): in the industrial section of Highland. BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD are walking, way off the walking route. BEAVIS Walking sucks! BUTTHEAD Yeah! I don't understand what all this walking crap has to do with making money. BEAVIS Yeah, Really! Scene 13: At finish line. DARIA finishes, MR. COBB is there to meet her. SOCKO Congratulations, young lady. The Lord has been very kind. DARIA I am proud to be walking in the name of Christ. MR. COBB You are Daria Morgendorffer, aren't you? DARIA Yes, I am. MR. COBB You have the most money pledged of anyone. But you only have two people, and those boys didn't pledge with anyone else. DARIA Beavis and Butthead are very spiritual and care deeply about the community. Most people never look beyond their heavy metal T-shirts and don't see this. They might have pledged their money with several people, but I was the only one who asked them. MR. COBB That's wonderful. I always say the Lord's word gets to everyone, however unlikely it seems. DARIA I did make a small pledge to them. They knew that I couldn't match their commitment, but I insisted on giving them something. But, I don't think that they will ask me for it. Could you please give this to them? I know they are a few miles behind me. MR. COBB Tell you what young lady, I would like to meet these two young men. Why don't you give me your pledge sheet, and I'll collect the money for you. I think you have done enough of the Lord's work for one day. DARIA Thank you, sir. Scene 14 (from 'Walkathon'): near 3 mile mark Another scene of BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD walking. BUTTHEAD Uuhh. We must be close to that ten-mile mark by now (they cross the main route at the 3-mile walk) Scene 15: At finish line. QUINN, MIKEY, and MARK meet with MR. COBB MR. COBB Hey kids. I don't seem to remember you at the five mile checkpoint. I hope you weren't trying to take a shortcut. MIKEY We took a wrong turn MARK We walked at least five extra miles. QUINN And my feet are killing me! SOCKO Jesus says that suffering can be good for the soul. MARK So are we finished? MR. COBB I'm afraid I can only give you credit for five miles. QUINN Fine. We'll just collect for five miles. I'm going home. MR. COBB Wait! I am a businessman, and a Christian. As a businessman, I belive in fair trade. Since you kids did walk ten miles, you should get credit for ten miles. And as a Christian, I should forgive you for trying to take a shortcut. The Lord always said to turn the other cheek. MIKEY All right! Scene 16: (from 'Walkathon') A few more scenes of BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD walking in various places, way off the walkathon route. Scene 17: (from Walkathon'): Finish line, nighttime. MR COBB waits for BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD. MR COBB He He. Good job Boys, you made it. Your friend Daria already gave me the fifty cents she pledged you. So if you ante up the hundred bucks apiece that you pledged her, we'll be all squared up. You two are fine young people BUTTHEAD Uhh. Could you like, give us our money now? BEAVIS Yeah! Give us the money! MR COBB Don't tell me you boys weren't planning to pay. BEAVIS I thought we ripped off Daria, Butthead. BUTTHEAD Uhh. Huh Huh Huh. MR COBB Boys, when you play the Christian Businessman Association for fools, you play the Lord for a fool. BUTTHEAD Uh, could you like, shut up? BEAVIS Yeah! MR COBB Now, because I am a Christian, I won't strike you. But, because I am a businessman, I will see to it that you walk off this pledge at a rate of five cents a mile between you. Now let me see, that will be four thousand miles. You better get started, boys. BUTTHEAD Uh Huh Huh. BEAVIS Um Ah, What? Scene 18: At Morgendorffer house, that evening. JAKE Hey girls, how did the walkathon go today? QUINN I am never doing another walkathon again! My date blew me off, and my feet are full of blisters. DARIA But our souls have been taken care of. HELEN I got a call from Mr. Cobb. DARIA And? HELEN Your two boys didn't come up with the money. QUINN I told you Daria made up those people. HELEN He said that it was sad to see a sweet, innocent, impressionable young woman being taken in by boys willing to take advantage of girls who might not get very much attention from guys. DARIA That is a sad sight. HELEN I'm talking about you, Daria. DARIA Is it any worse than seeing sweet, innocent, impressionable young kids being taken advantage of by a man prominent in the Christian Community? HELEN You knew the boys would not pay up. I just hope Mr. Cobb isn't too upset. DARIA Don't worry, I'm sure Mr. Cobb will devise some sort of torture for Beavis and Butthead. It'll probably more than make up for the money. Scene 19: Outside. nighttime. BEAVIS and BUTTHEAD are walking, while MR COBB is driving his car behind them. BUTTHEAD If I ever catch that dude who like, invented the walkathon. Huh Huh, I'm gonna kick his ass. BEAVIS Yeah! I thought charity was supposed to like, be for free! MR COBB How about less talking and more walking, boys. You gonna make sure you finish this job, even if it takes you until the Second Coming. BUTTHEAD Charity Sucks! BEAVIS Yeah! Huh Huh. THE END Few Quick notes: I figured that Daria had to deal with her family in Highland. There are a few episodes of B&B that are suitable, but I think this one is was the most promising. It is known they shared a bedroom sometime in the past, so I had them do so here. I figured Quinn had her boyfriends in Highland. I admit that I stole their personalites from Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie, but they are only there to advance the plot. As to why Beavis and Butthead never noticed Quinn, she isn't in any of her classes, and she isn't slutty looking. (Actually, I like to think that Quinn was the girl that Butthead hit on in 'Held Back'. The girl he hit on looks just enough like Quinn to be a maybe). Hope you like the story.