While I ain't sure what puppet Celine is the registered trademark of, I know Daria is a trademark of MTV, what ever you like it or not.

(Scene #1: Casa Morgendorffer. Background music (B. G. M. ): L. A. Style; James Brown Is Dead. We see Daria and Jane checking out another broadcast of Sick Sad World on the TV, when Quinn bursts into the room, a telegram in one hand.)

Quinn: Daria!! Celine Dionne wants to challenge you!!

Daria: Don't tell me one of the Dionne Triplets wants to play chess with me blindfolded.

Quinn: No, I mean that French Canadian diva that everyone loves to hate. She's now livin' in Florida, and she's just come to Lawndale to challenge you!! Here's a telegram. (gives the telegram to Daria, who reads it.)

Jane: The gall of that no talent diva--to come right here, to Lawndale!! (to Daria) What's it say?

Daria (glumly): Quinn was right--an' it's much worse than Upchuck's B.O.

Quinn: EWWWWWWW!!!!

Daira (continued): It says she's earmarked me for a duel to the death at The Mall Of The Millennnium, on account that she thinks I am a geeky brain, and' that I am a disgrace to MTV, but worst of all, she thinks I am a wussie. Worse still, if I refuse, she'll flood MTV with her videos.

Jane: What cruelty!! That'd be even worse than The Divine Secrets Of The Ya Ya Sisterhood.

Quinn: EW!! Is there no shame?

Daria: The duel's set for next Monday, so I got all the time to train. After all, no one calls me a wussie.

(Scene #2: A fight montage. B. G. M.: Bill Conti, De Etta Little, Nelson Pigford & The Chorus; Gonna Fly Now. We see Daria run alongside Jane down the streets, then karate chop old origami ducks, use a side of salami hanging on a string as a punching bag, and run up the stairs leading up to the roof of the Lawndale High building.)

Daria: Time to kick diva BUT-TOCKS.

(Scene #3: The Mall Of The Millennium. B. G. M.: Edwin Starr; War. Daria is with Jane, Tom and Quinn on one side of the mall's central rotunda section, with Celine and some of her entourage on the other side.)

Tom: Remember everything we trained you, and you should triumph.

Jane: Just belt like a butterfly and sting like a bee, or words to that effect.

Quinn: An' if all else fails, kick her in the heinie.

Daria: I can see it all now--Celine's Cartel Crushed By The Misery Chick, next On Sick Sad World.

(Ms. Li approaches the center.)

Ms. Li: Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare to be stupid.

Sandi's voice: STUPIFIED!!

Ms. Li: Uh, prepare to be stupified, for the honor of Laaaaaaawndale High. Here, for the first time, is the ultimate duel of the century. On my left, in a greencoat, orange blouse and black skirt, our Numero Uno Misery Chick, Daria Morgendorffer!!


Ms. Li: And on my right, wearing the dress she wore for the cover of A New Day Hath Come, the no talent bitch, Celine Dionne!!


Celine: Just wait till my new album, One Heart comes out. You're goin' to change your tune!!

(While Daria and Celine face each other off, Trent, dressed like a referee, approaches them.)

Trent: OK, listen up--it's to be a clean fight, so use soap an' hot water. No hittin' below the belt, no cheap moves, an' in case of a KO, head to your corner.

Celine: I am goin' to bust you, brain.

Daria (imitating Sylvester Stallone): Go 'fo it.

Trent: Round 1--FIGHT!!

(The fight starts. B. G. M.: Nobuo Uematsu & His Chorus; One Winged Angel. Celine belches in Daria's face, causing Daria to stagger back. But she recovers and lands a few well placed kicks from her Doc Martin booted feet.)

Celine: You &^$*#@%!! Now you die!!

Daria: Die, die my darling.

Celine: Make fun of me, huh?!? (sings) And my heart will go on....


Quinn: EWWWW!! Break out the ear plugs!!

Tom: That singin's worse than a South Park show!!

Trent: Stop it, for the love of Metallica!!

Jane: They outha use her as a new death penalty method!!

(Suddenly, Daria staggers, and crumbles to the ground.)

Jane, Quinn & Tom: DARIA!!

Trent: End of Round 1!! Celine wins that round!! Time out!!

Celine: All too easy. (belches)

(Daria is cradled by Quinn while Jane and Tom try to wake her up, using a wet towel.)

Quinn: Daria!! Open your eyes!!

Jane: Up an' at em'!!

Tom: You all right?

Daria (deleriously): Could be. (Gets up on her feet, a bit wobbly.)

Jane: Somethin's got to be done 'bout that no talent diva.

Daria: How? All I wanna do is go the distance. An' when it comes to that singin' voice of Celine's, there ain't nuttin' that can save me now.

Quinn: 'Cept maybe one thing here. (Pulls out from an ice cooler, a can of Lipton Brisk Ice Tea; Daria takes it, opens it, and guzzles its contents.)

Daria (deadpan): Oh, that is Brisk, baby.

Quinn: Get in there!!

Jane: An' save some of that for the sequel!!

Tom: Bust her tacos, Daria!!

(Donning a set of ear plugs, Daria steps foward back to the center section before Celine.)

Celine: I whupped you sorry butt once, an' I'll whup you again.

Trent: Round 2--FIGHT!!

Celine (singing): Because you loved me....

Quinn: EW!! Here we go again!!

Jane: Daria, do somethin' !!

Tom: An' soon!!

Trent: Du....du hast....du hast mich....AAAAGHHHH!!

(Thanks to the ear plugs, Daria is immune to Celine's singing; in fact, on a spur of the moment, Celine decides to sing on a high sustained note, which does, her voice rising even higher than before, to the distress of the Lawndalians.)

Ms. Li: AGHH!! Stop that crazy diva!!

(But Celine continues holding the high note, the vibrations shattering the glass all over the mall, until her excessive overuse of her vocal cords causes her voice to go hoarse.)

Celine (hoarsely): I've lost my voice!!

(Triumpantly, Daria takes out the ear plugs and produces a Laws rocket antitank launcher.)

Daria: Now who's the wussie? (Aims the launcher at Celine.) Hello, nasty.

Celine (hoarsely): Oh-oh....!!

(Daria opens fire on Celine; soon after that, there is a pile of ashes where the hapless former diva once stood. The crowd cheers.)

Trent: Here's your winner an' still champeen, Daria Morgendorffer!!


Daria (dead pan): Yo Adrian, I did it.

(From there, the scene changes to the credits and the following alter egos--Quinn as Final Fantasy X's Yuna, Daria as a cocktail waitress, Jane as SSX Tricky's Zoe Payne, Tom as a dock worker, Ms. Li as a door man-- er, woman, and Trent as Johnny Rotten of The Sex Pistols--while Neil Young's Hey, Hey, My, My (Into The Black) plays.)


Author's Note: OK, it was a bit sutpid and corny an' out of character, but it just came to me as a sort of an off the wall Daria concept. After all, what better an' popular nemesis to pit Daria with, but the diva everyone loves to hate? Please, no flames, eh? Peace out.