Daria the Saturnine
By Hikhali

This story is a bunch of junk. It isn't THAT special,
and fits nowhere into anyone's continuum. I have a 
hard time writing long stories. "We're working with
CIRCLES!" -Kevin, describing both math class AND 
Mrs. Bennets Applied Economics class in one go at it.

All characters are property of MTV. I don't own them. 
This fanfiction begins right after "Jane's Addition" 
(i.e. that evening, right afterwards). 

Int. Daria's room. She is sitting on the bed, 
rereading "King Lear." Helen walks in.

Helen: Daria? What are you doing?
Daria: Taking a slow boat to China.
Helen: You usually spend Friday nights with Jane
Daria: She's out with her new boyfriend, Tom.
Helen: Ooohhhh. I see. (ala Daria in "Esteemers")
Daria: Don't take that tone of voice, young lady.
Helen: Oh, Daria (She leaves).

Daria gets up and goes to the door, deadbolting it, 
and then goes to her bookshelf. She pulls out a 
normal looking book and opens it. Pan around to see
that it is hollow. She takes some cash from her 
pocket and puts it in. 

Daria: Well, Tom has ONE advantage. I'm not going to
be spending all MY cash on pizza. Montana Cabin, 
here I come.

Ext. LHS. Bell rings, then... Int. Mr. DeM's room.

Mr. DeM: AND SO, the foolish JAMEStown settlers 
idioticly set up their camp on a MARSH! This beHAVior
is EASILY comperable to some of YOUR'S! The only 
exception *I* see is Daria. SHE would never do a 
thing so STUpid, WOULD she? Kevin?
Kevin: Uhhhh...
Daria: WHY am I the subject of a class lecture?
Mr. DeM: Huh?

Mr. DeMartino is stupified by this. Kevin grins 
a dopey grin that was undoubtedly caused by
smashing beer cans with his head. The class all
snicker. Daria smiles as well. 

Int. Jane's room. Jane is painting. Daria isn't 
reading (gasp). She's watching SSW. 

Jane: Why DO we watch Sick, Sad World all the time?
Daria: We never watch Sick, Sad World. I'M watching
Geraldo. 
Jane: Daria, you promissed me you'd lay off the out
of season egg nog.
Daria: Huh?
Jane: (uncomfortable) Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Daria: (Dr. Evil-esque; right pinky up to mouth)
Riiiiiiight...
Trent: (Who just HAPPENED to walk by the door right 
then) Heh. Good one, Daria. (Walks off snickering)
Daria: Hell is myself (a la "Monster!").


(Comercial crap would come up right about here. That's
about when I chanel surf. I have no comercials. EVER!)

Location: Unknown. A beige car pulls up at the curb
and Daria gets out, wearing a trench coat. Shady-like
slow music like that that would accompany a few mafians
starts, and Daria procedes her dive along the street.*
Heather, the Middleton tour guide, comes out of the 
shadows and hands her two envelopes, one marked "Food,"
the other marked "Drink." Daria hands another large 
envelope to Heather and then walks to a different curb.
The same scenario is seen three times, and then Daria 
goes back to her original curb and gets in the car. 
She leaves.

Daria: Thanks DG.
Driver: (unseen) Welcome, MC.

Ext. LHS. Daria gets out of the car with a bag and 
goes up to the door. She fiddels with something, and
then throws the bag at the door, running back to the
car. She gets into the car as a big bang is heard.

Ext. Daria's house that night. She sneeks in through
the back and into her room unnoticed. She again goes 
to the bookshelf, removing the hollow book. She pulls 
the "Food" envelope out and puts it's contents, a big
wad o' cash, into the book, which is nearly full.

Daria: I better go back to that gag store tomorrow
and get another one of these. God knows I'll need it
NEXT week. 

She takes out the other envelope ("Drink") and opens 
it. Inside are several asignments from the college 
students.

Daria: I'm robbing them blind. $200 for an essay on 
"King Lear"? Sheesh!

*Dive: a slang term for a "slick" looking walk done
by mobsters and mafians. (MY definition, thanx)

(Comercial crap would come up right about here. That's
about when I chanel surf. I have no comercials. EVER!)

Ext. LHS, early morning. We see Ms. Li exit her car
and look at the front door (smudgy, from the inside P.o.V.

Ms. LI: What the HELL!?

Int. LHS, Mr. O'Neil's room. The morning announcements
have just come on.

Ms. Li: The fall ho-down will be in one month, so start
raising money. This year, attendance is mandatory, so 
don't try pulling that hayfever crap, Ms. Morgendorffer.
And all of you involved with the throwing of a bag full 
of exploding FISH at the front door are kiiiindly 
requested in my office, immidiately. That is ALL!

Mr. O'N: Oh dear. Exploding fish?

Daria just smiles, as Jane looks on questioningly.

Int. Jane's room. Jane and Trent are sitting on the 
bed next to Daria.

Jane/Trent: WHAT?!
Trent: That is so cool. Wish I'd thought of that when
*I* was in Highschool.
Jane: Yeah, but Daria... Fish? 
Daria: EXPLODING fish. Musn't get all hung up, now.
(Mock soothing, to Jane) You can crash the howdown 
with roadkill carcasses being dumped on the prom King 
and Queen.
Jane: Wellll... Okay. But only if you help me scrape 'em.
Daria: Jane, I thought you knew me well enough to be
able to recognize simple, unsympathetic sarcasm when
you see it. Or are you to busy making out with TOM?
Jane: You saw that?! That never happened. Nothing
happened. Nothing EVER happens in this 'burb! Got it?
Daria just looks at Jane funny and turns on the TV.

TV: Next on Sick, Sad World, the Geraldo chicken scandel
we've been covering all month long!
Daria: Told you I was watching Geraldo.

Jane looks peeved and Trent looks mildly curious.

Int. Daria's room, a week later. Daria takes the
hollow books (2 of 'em, now.) out and puts them
in her bag. She walks to a phone booth and picks 
up the phone. She dials, and the phone rings. 

Daria: Hi. I'd like to see about putting a down
payment on that secluded Montana cabin you put
the add up for?

La la LA la la. La la LA la la.
(End theme)

Send all questions, comments, and concerns to: hikhali@hotmail.com.
DO NOT SPAM ME!!!