Adjust your lights where applicable...

Daria in...

"DARIA"
THE MONA LISA SMILE OF FATE
by CDM (cdm2012@ntin.net)

[EXT Gupty house. BGM The Cure's "Fascination Street"]

[INT Tad and Tricia's room, BGM fading. Tad and Tricia are tucked in, Daria and Jane finishing the lesson for the night]

JANE: (cont.) -- and that's why you should never eat Twinkies.

TAD & TRICIA: Eww...

DARIA: And now that the mind warping is complete, what was the false fact?

TRICIA: That the government's training pets to spy on their owners?

JANE: Close, but no candy cigar.

DARIA: If you had been watching Sick Sad World you'd know better than to trust Mr. Fuzzy-Wuzzy.

TRICIA: No fair! Mom and Dad bought a TV with the latest V-Chip!

TAD: Uhm... there was no false fact?

DARIA: Correct. If there was a set curriculum, that would make me a teacher and my life would be over.

TAD: Yes! In your face, Tricia!

TRICIA: That was my original answer!

JANE: (to Daria) I still can't believe you were asked back after the last time.

DARIA: As has often been my experience, I was the last resort.

TAD: We did everything you said! Last week we asked the elderly woman who was sitting us if she babysat for Moses!

DARIA: Only after she proved to be a pain in the butt, I hope?

TRICIA: We didn't want to be mean, but she kept calling us Bobby and Cindy!

TAD: And she thought Tricia's skirt was too short!

JANE: (to Daria) You should get this woman to sit Quinn sometime.

DARIA: I've seen enough death and destruction to last a lifetime. I guess that's it for tonight -

TAD: What about our story?

DARIA: I don't know, we're running pretty late...

TRICIA: But mom and dad are holding couple's therapy at your house again!

DARIA: Good point. I've seen my father's "daddy's medicine" binges one too many times.

TAD: Come on, Daria!

JANE: Yeah, come on, Daria!

DARIA: Okay, how about "The Tortoise and the Hare"?

TAD: We want a new story!

TRICIA: Jane says you're a good writer!

DARIA: Sure you wouldn't rather hear "The Fiddly Ferret and the Uppity Unicorn" again? I'll even do the funny voices.

JANE: That would require actual expression. How about a family vacation story, like the one you started telling me at lunch before Ms. Li threw a surprise sniper drill?

DARIA: (uneasily) I don't know, it gets rough in some sections...

TAD: But you read us the version of "The Ugly Duckling" where he goes on a killing spree!

[A beat as Daria sighs]

DARIA: I bear no responsibility for any mental trauma incurred from the following story, or contact with me in general. (beat) It was the summer of 1991 and my family was on the road trip from Hell, aka Highland, to visit my aunt in El Paso...

[The screen goes wobbly as we cut to the next scene]

[INT Morgendorffer Mini-Van, BGM The Talking Heads "Road To Nowhere".

Daria and Quinn, ten and nine years old respectively, are dressed in the same manner as in "Camp Fear". Jake and Helen are in their casual wear. Quinn fidgets while Daria reads "The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Helen is looking at a map, folded out over her side of the dashboard while Jake drives. BGM fades as Daria continues her narration]

DARIA: (VO, cont.) As for the rest of the world, Jonathon Brandis was setting the hearts of girls across the country aflutter, Vanilla Ice paved the way for Eminem, and *almost* every kid in town owned a Nintendo.

JANE: (VO) Did Quinn need some more fashionable jams for the new school year?

DARIA: (VO) We had one, but Jake suffered a nervous breakdown trying to beat The Legend of Zelda and took a hammer to it.

HELEN: (in mid conversation) ...she said to go straight down I-95, then -

JAKE: (interrupting) Don't worry, Helen, I know Texas like the back of my hand!

HELEN: I just don't want to be late! My sister is so busy that we rarely get to see each other! (bitterly) She also finds a way to worm out of every family gathering.

JAKE: (muttering) Wish I could skip out on seeing your mother...

QUINN: Mu-om, I have to go!

HELEN: For the last time, Quinn, if it's that bad, use the cup!

QUINN: (petulantly) I am *not* going in some cheap Tallsup's cup!

DARIA: (not looking up from her book) You could use one of those pretty cacti.

HELEN: Daria...

JAKE: (unintentionally interrupting) Look at that beautiful West Texas scenery! It just takes your breath away!

DARIA: (still reading) Yes, the way the sun glares off the horizon is spellbinding.

JAKE: (cool voice) It's a good thing I bought these rad Ray-Bans, huh, kiddo?

QUINN: I just read in Little Miss Waif that Blu-Blockers are more fashionable, Daddy.

JAKE: (fretful) Really?

HELEN: Quinn, what have I told you about that magazine? Why don't you read those Zoobooks we gave you?

QUINN: But the animals in it are so icky, and Daria keeps burying them!

HELEN: (shock) Daria, why would you do such a thing?!

DARIA: I think she meant "borrowing", Mom.

HELEN: Oh.

[An awkward silence falls as Jake and Helen try to figure out a way to carry on the conversation. Jake gives up quickly and starts whistling "On The Road Again". A few bars in he tapers off, seeing Helen giving him a dirty look. A beat later his expression brightens]

JAKE: Hey, why don't we have a family sing-along!

[Daria closes her book and bends down out of frame]

HELEN: That's a great idea! How about a round of "Row Row Your Boat"?

QUINN: Do we have to? Sing-alongs are so geeky!

JAKE: It'll be fun, pumpkin! I'll start!

HELEN: No, I will!

[Daria emerges wearing a pair of headphones and a satisfied smirk]

HELEN & JAKE: o/~ Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, o/~

HELEN: No, Jake, it's a *row*!

JAKE: Oh, right!

[Quinn lets out an exasperated sigh]

HELEN: o/~ Row row row your boat, gently down the stream, o/~

JAKE: o/~ Merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream! o/~

HELEN: I don't think you understand what a row is, Ja-

[Suddenly the car swerves as a semi rushes past, causing Daria to buck sideways and lose her headphones while Quinn bumps her head on the window. Helen braces herself on the dashboard while Jake honks the horn and waves his fist]

QUINN: OW! Gawd!

JAKE: Lousy truckers, think they own the road, WELL I GOT A DELIVERY FOR YA, YA GOD-

HELEN: JAKE, SWEAR JAR! (turning back to check on Daria and Quinn) Girls, are you okay?

DARIA: I have a ringing in my ears, but I might have had the volume too high.

[Another moment of silence follows after Helen turns her attention back to the road. They pass by a teenage couple necking in 60's roadster off the side of the road]

QUINN: Who was that?

DARIA: That's Speed Racer. He's a demon on wheels.

QUINN: (snide) I wasn't talking to you. (normal) Mom, Dad, what were they doing?

JAKE: (hesitantly) Uhm...

HELEN: (slowly) Well... you see, it's kind of like...

JAKE: (quickly) Hey, why don't we listen to the radio?

HELEN: (relieved) Yes, let's!

[Jake clicks the radio on, fiddling with the tuning for a few seconds before settling on a station]

DJ #1: All the signs point towards the End Times, my friends!

[Jake quickly twists the tuning knob]

DJ #2: (robotic voice) Behold, he cometh with clouds; and every eye shall see him, and they also which pierced him, and all kindred's of the earth shall wail because of him.

DARIA: Is that the new Auto DJ 5000 I've heard so much about?

HELEN: (mild annoyance) It might help if you had it on FM.

JAKE: Good idea!

[He flips the band button and turns the knob again]

DJ #3: And next in our countdown, Michael Bolton!

HELEN: Oh, never mind!

[She snaps it off. After a brief silence Jake's expression brightens]

JAKE: Hey, I just remembered something!

DARIA: (to herself) Please tell me we left the backdoor unlocked.

[He does a hard right turn down a dirt road]

HELEN: Jake, stick to the route Amy told us!

JAKE: Don't worry, I know a shortcut!

HELEN: Do you remember the last time we took one of your shortcuts?

JAKE: I swear, those guys at the bait shop didn't mention anything about open sewers!

[Time lapse - it's now dusk outside. Daria is straining to read, Quinn is asleep, and Helen is arguing with Jake]

HELEN: Jake, do you have any clue where we're going?

JAKE: I swear, honey, that sign back there said El Paso fifty miles!

[In the backseat Quinn wakes up, stretching and yawning]

HELEN: Why don't we go back and ask those cops we saw?

JAKE: The sign pointed this way! Admit I'm right, admit I'm right!

JANE: (VO) So your parents argued and you supplied the color commentary. Quite riveting!

DARIA: (VO) Shush, you.

HELEN: I swear, every trip you come up with some way... [her attention is distracted by something off screen] Wait, look over there!

[A panning shot of what Helen spotted. It's a small, drab cottage with a serial killer vibe. Cut back to the family]

QUINN: Ugh, who decorated that place, Beavis and Butthead?

JAKE: I don't know, their place looked okay! I just wish I could remember when I saw it...

DARIA: It was when you tried to complain to their parents about the firecrackers they left in our mailbox.

HELEN: (muttering) Lousy punks... (aloud) Why don't we pull over and ask for directions?

JAKE: I can find the way back!

HELEN: Allow me to rephrase that. *Stop* and ask for directions or we take the bus next time.

QUINN: The bus?! But we always get stuck to the stinky guy!

DARIA: At least they have a bathroom.

JAKE: Okay, fine! I'll stop, but only to please you!

[Quick shot of the car parking in the driveway, then back to the family. They stare at the off-screen house]

DARIA: Quinn should lead so she can absorb the first hail of bullets.

QUINN: Hey!

HELEN: Daria!

JAKE: Somebody just came out!

[A man exits through the front door onto the porch. His grimy face is covered by an unkempt beard. Atop his head is a weather-beaten beige hat. Wearing a gray jacket over a brown shirt, his dingy pants, also beige, are stretched to breaking point over his massive thighs. He seems to be on the verge of tipping over, balancing himself with a wrought iron staff, the end fashioned into a hand. His face is in a constant state of tic. His oddest feature, though, are cloven hooves where his feet should be]

QUINN: Eew! What's wrong with his feet, Daddy?

JAKE: What do you mean - (a beat as he sees what Quinn's talking about) Hey, he's got hooves for feet! Neat!

DARIA: I wonder if Doctor Scholl's makes something for that.

HELEN: Quinn, Jake, Daria! You shouldn't make light of other people's disfigurements!

JAKE: Why don't ask him for directions?

HELEN: I don't know...

JAKE: Come on, what could possibly go wrong?

JANE: (VO) In case you didn't know, kids, that's where you go "Dunh dunh dunh!"

TAD & TRICIA: (VO, awkwardly) Dunh dunh dunh?

DARIA: (VO) Precisely.

HELEN: I guess it wouldn't hurt to find out where the nearest motel is. We'll never make it to Amy's tonight.

QUINN: Maybe he has a bathroom!

DARIA: A million scenarios are running through my head, all ending with a posthumous appearance on Unsolved Mysteries.

JAKE: Right then, let's do it!

[They all exit the car]

[EXT House, BGM "Torgo's Theme" by Robert Smith Jr., which continues in the background as the scene progresses. The family walks up to within a few steps of the porch, Helen and Jake in lead, the girls behind them]

TORGO: I am ToRGo... I take CAre of the place while the MASter is awaY...

DARIA: His parents must be so proud.

JAKE: Hey there! I'm Jake, this is my wife Helen, and these are our daughters Daria and Quinn!

TORGO: YoU cannot stay heRE... the MAstER doesn't like chilDRen.

DARIA: I feel the same way about people who call themselves "the Master".

HELEN: (laughing) Oh, we don't want to stay here, God no! We just need directions to the nearest Best Western!

TORGO: TheRE is no place like THat around heRE...

HELEN: Could we at least come in to get a better look at our map?

TORGO: I... don't knOW... the MastER... wouldn't apprOve...

JAKE: Ah, I'm sure he won't mind! Come on Torgo, be a pal!

[Torgo considers this. A very lengthy beat follows]

JAKE: (whispering) Helen, should I poke him or something to make sure he's still alive?

QUINN: (whispering) He doesn't smell like he's alive!

DARIA: (whispering) That's just the road kill from a few -

TORGO: (interrupting, answering) I... gueSS so...

[Torgo steps aside as Jake and Daria go in while Helen heads back to get the map. Quinn walks up to Torgo]

QUINN: Uhm... sir, do you have a bathroom?

TORGO: TheRe is nO place like thAT here...

QUINN: Come *on*! If you let me use it I'll give you the subscription number to J. Crew so you can find something better than those *things* you're wearing!

[Helen walks by and into the house, a bundle of papers under her arm]

HELEN: Use a bush, Quinn!

QUINN: (petulantly) Never mind.

[She goes in, followed by Torgo]

[INT Living room, BGM continuing from previous scene. A ratty couch, coffee table, and battered bookshelf in the corner are the only distinguishing features. There are two doors, one leading off to a bedroom and the other a kitchen. Helen has the map folded out over the table, Quinn sitting next to her. Torgo is leaning on the bedroom doorframe while Jake stares at something off screen. Daria stands near the front door, taking in the ambience]

DARIA: The Leatherface residence, I feel better already. (beat) Where is that music coming from?

[Daria walks over to Torgo and sees a phonograph in the bedroom, the source of the BGM]

DARIA: Could you please turn that off?

TORGO: NO problEM...

[He starts to wobble over to the radio. After a very slow beat Daria grows impatient and out walks Torgo, switching it off herself. She turns back to him]

DARIA: Nice staff. How much for it?

TORGO: The MAster does not belIEVE in money...

DARIA: What if I traded you Quinn for it?

HELEN: (OS) Daria, stop pestering Torgo!

[Daria walks back into the living room. Jake is motioning for Helen's attention as she enters]

JAKE: Honey, look at this!

HELEN: Jake, I'm trying to find some way out of this mess!

JAKE: But it's really neat!

[Helen lets loose an exasperated sigh and walks over to where Jake is. He's staring at a framed velvet painting of a thin, pale man with a thick black mustache and a mop of black hair, wearing a black & red robe, next to him a demonic looking Doberman, hanging above a scorched fireplace. Daria joins them.]

JANE: (VO) Anyone who owns a velvet painting has to be on the side of evil.

DARIA: (VO) Or an Elvis fan.

TAD: (VO) Our parents have a velvet painting of Pat Boone in their bedroom! It's really neat!

JANE: (VO) I rest my case.

JAKE: That must be the Master!

HELEN: Ooh, gives me chills looking at him and that beast!

JAKE: Yeah, I'd sure hate to run up on it at night!

DARIA: If we do we'll just throw Quinn to it.

QUINN: (OS) Hey!

HELEN: Daria, I wish you'd stop those inappropriate comments.

DARIA: If you have a better idea for entertaining myself, I'm game.

JAKE: Why don't you go look at those books over in the corner, kiddo?

DARIA: Maybe there's a book with an amnesia spell so I can forget the last six hours, or years.

[Daria goes over to the bookcase as Torgo walks up to Jake and Helen]

HELEN: Where is this Master of yours anyways?

TORGO: He is nOT in this world but HE is with us ALways, wherever we go, he is with us.

JAKE: That's too bad. I bet me and him'd get along well!

HELEN: I hate to be a bother, but do you have a phone we could use?

TORGO: We dOn't hAve that device... the MAster doesn't BElieve in them.

HELEN: Really? How... *weird*.

JAKE: (whispering) They probably couldn't pay the phone bill! (aloud) No biggie, my man, happens to everyone! Rough times, rough times...

HELEN: (sighing) We'll just try to find the highway, (darkly) hopefully before we cross into Mexico... (normal) Jake, why don't you start the car while I give the map another look? This place is giving me the creeps!

JAKE: Honey, you're embarrassing Torgo!

TORGO: You hAve nothing to fEAR, Madam... the MastER likes you. He LIkes beaUtiful womEN...

HELEN: (flattered) Well, I try to take care of myself... (the words sink in) EXCUSE ME?! What's that supposed to mean?!

JAKE: He was just trying to compliment you, dear! Now stay here and I'll have the car roaring in no time!

[As Jake leaves and Helen returns to the couch, we pan across to Daria, looking through the book shelf]

DARIA: (reading off the book spines) Tobin's Spirit Guide... signed copy of the Necronomicon... and the collected Bearinstein Bears. Nothing wrong here.

[Pan back over to the couch]

QUINN: Mom, can we leave now? This place smells!

HELEN: We'll be out of here as soon as -

JAKE: (OS) Lousy piece of junk, START, DAMN YOU, START!

HELEN: (standing, wearily) Stay here, girls, I need to talk to your father... (mumbling as she walks off) ...about trial separation.

[EXT House. Helen, her arms folded, walks over to the driver's side of the van. Jake is hitting the steering wheel as he grinds the ignition]

JAKE: Lousy piece of junk, no wonder they say Fixed Or Repaired - (he notices Helen) Hey, honey! Wouldn't ya know it, the car's having a teensy problem, but I can fix it!

HELEN: (exasperated) I thought you had it tuned up before we left?

JAKE: I did, I swear! Or maybe it was the Le Baron I took... give me an hour and I'll have it running like new! Mad Dog Morgendorffer didn't raise little Jakey to be a car klutz! (mumbling) He made sure of that...

[Helen shakes her head and walks off. Jake gets out and follows]

[INT House. Quinn plays with a toy make-up kit while Daria examines the painting. Helen sits down, Jake trailing behind]

JAKE: I'll take care of everything, honey! Why don't you find Torgo and talk to him for awhile?

HELEN: (crossing her arms) Absolutely not! Something doesn't rub right about him...

JAKE: It's just your imagination! Torgo's cool! (to Daria) Isn't he, Daria?

DARIA: (walking over to face her parents) Cool as black corduroys on an August day.

[Jane, VO, bursts out laughing]

DARIA: (VO) What?

JANE: (VO, recovering) Sorry... I just imagined you saying that with a Texas twang!

TRICIA: (VO) I heard they let you carry guns around in the open in Texas!

DARIA: (VO) Not quite, but it's a good thing I don't have one now. Anyway, I came to the most sensible conclusion possible...

DARIA: Why don't we just leave?

HELEN: (mild disgust) Your father can't get the car started.

JAKE: It isn't my fault! I mean yeah, the guy at Carzone talked me into buying the store brand of spark plug, but he swore they were just as good! Lousy salesmen, Shakespeare was right...

QUINN: (dropping her toy in horror) You mean we have to stay here?!

DARIA: We could walk. You always say you two need to get more exercise.

QUINN: Walk? Out in the desert?! But I'll get all sweaty!

DARIA: (to Quinn) You don't have sweat glands yet.

HELEN: I suppose I could stay in the car with Quinn while you and your father -

[The dark howl of a hound off-screen interrupts her, causing everyone to jump]

JAKE: What was that?

DARIA: Probably a hell beast gathering virgins for the dark lord.

HELEN: Daria!

DARIA: Sorry, heck beast.

JAKE: Did you hear that, Helen? It's a hel- I mean heck beast!

[Jake and Helen rush out]

[EXT House. Jake and Helen step out on the porch. Night has fallen]

JAKE: (yelling) Look, I know you're a horrible hell beast, but it's after nine and we've got kids!

HELEN: It's not a hell beast, Jake!

JAKE: Well it's a good thing I brought the gun, that way if there is anything – (he turns to see Helen's enraged look, quietly) Oh poopie!

HELEN: (livid) You brought the gun?! After I specifically told you to get rid of it? What if Daria or Quinn found it?

JAKE: They couldn't! I put it somewhere safe this time!

HELEN: I assume by "somewhere safe" you mean the glove compartment?

JAKE: Well... yeah, but it's locked!

HELEN: (exasperated) Never mind, we'll talk about it later. I guess I can use this time to go over some papers, but if Torgo tries anything I want you on him with that gun in a heartbeat!

JAKE: Don't worry about a thing, dear! I'll have the car up and running in no time! Now how about a good luck kiss?

[He puckers his lips and closes his eyes in expectation. Helen rolls her eyes and walks back inside, slamming the screen door. Jake looks perturbed, but quickly gets a determined look on his face]

JAKE: (shaking his fist) You'll be kissing me all over when we're in that air-conditioned motel room!

[He strides purposefully off-screen]

[INT House. Quinn is asleep while Daria is reading "Blood-Curdling Tales of Terror and the Macabre", an H.P. Lovecraft collection. Helen walks in and over to Daria]

HELEN: Daria, could you watch your sister for a minute?

DARIA: (yawning, putting the book down) I don't know, I'm sort of beat myself...

HELEN: No bribes. We need every penny since your father's business slowed down.

DARIA: (picking the book up) Drats.

[Helen gathers the map and her papers, exiting into the bedroom. After a moment Quinn awakes and starts fidgeting]

QUINN: Ooh... I've got to find a bathroom!

DARIA: Just go in the corner like Torgo did.

[Quinn gets up and rushes walking off-screen]

DARIA: Quinn, Mom and Dad don't want us to wander off.

QUINN: (calling back) *You* can wait here, but I'll burst if I don't do something!

[She exits through the kitchen door]

DARIA: There's an image from my fondest dreams... Quinn, wait!

[Daria drops her book and follows]

[INT House, Bedroom. Helen is sitting on the bed, looking over some briefs, while Torgo stares at her from the doorway]

HELEN: I'll be so glad once we leave this place! (beat, looking at Torgo) Uhm, no offense.

TORGO: (stumbling towards her) You don't HAve to GO... the mASTer wants yoU...

HELEN: What's that supposed to mean?

[Torgo stops within a few feet from her. He raises his arm, making a very slow reach for Helen]

HELEN: Yes, can I help you?

[He grabs a hold of her shoulder and starts stroking it. Helen gasps in shock, stands up, and cold cocks him, causing Torgo to topple to the ground]

HELEN: YOU PERVERTED BEAST! JAKE! GET IN HERE THIS MINUTE!

TORGO: You leAD me on, yOU gave me mixed sIGnals...

HELEN: I'll give you a mixed signal, you degenerate! After my husband and I beat the snot out of you and we get out of this hellhole, I'll sue those dingy rags off your back!

[Torgo stumbles up and runs away]

JANE: (VO) That was an appropriate scene for two eight year olds.

TAD: (VO) What was he trying to do? Why'd your mother get so mad?

DARIA: (VO, to Jane) Your point? (to Tad) It's what that guy with the red hair and plastic dolls wanted to do to me at the parade the other week.

TAD: (VO) Oh! (beat) What was that?

JANE: (VO) You don't need to know that yet, or ever for that matter.

[INT House, Kitchen. As Daria flips the light on a multitude of roaches scurry out of sight. Noticing a door to her right, she knocks on it]

DARIA: Quinn, are you in there? (a beat, smirking) I know where your L.A. Darcy is, and I have Dad's lighter! (another beat) Drat.

[She opens the door and exits through it]

[EXT House. Jake is fiddling around under the van's hood]

JAKE: I wish that Master was here, I bet he could fix this!

[Helen, shaking with rage, storms over to the van]

HELEN: Jake, didn't you hear me pleading for help?!

JAKE: I'm trying to fix the car like you wanted! (cute voice) What could be so bad you need Big Jakey's help?

HELEN: I need Big Jakey to kick the Little Torgo! That creep made a pass at me!

JAKE: I'm sure... (beat) WHAT?! WHY THAT SON OF A -

[In his anger Jake darts up, hitting his head on the hood]

JAKE: OW! GAH DAMMIT!

HELEN: Well, what are you going to do?

JAKE: (rubbing his head) Find some aspirin... oh, you mean about Torgo! (shaking his fist) Don't worry, I'll make him rue the day he touched Jake Morgendorffer's wife!

[He storms back into the house, Helen following]

[EXT House. Daria comes out the backdoor into near-darkness]

DARIA: (yelling) Quinn! Are you out here? (normal) Why am I worried, she'd be afraid of her skin drying out.

[She notices a light off in the distance, partially obscured by several objects she can't discern]

DARIA: Likely scenario, it's a bonfire. Starting to get nervous scenario, it's Torgo's altar to Yog-Sothoth.

JANE: (VO) I'll take what's behind curtain two, Wink.

DARIA: (VO) No, an Elder God would have better taste in servants.

TRICIA: (VO) Weren't you scared?

DARIA: (VO) A bit, but I couldn't leave Quinn alone in a place like that. If I'd known Torgo leaned towards the octogenarian set, though, I'd be telling a different story.

[Daria walks towards the circle, stopping a few feet away. We see a small campfire surrounded by seven pillars. Just as many women are leaning against each of them in what seems to be a deathlike trance. Each are dressed in sheer robes. Off to her right is a stone slab between two pillars. On it lies the Master, who seems to be dead]

DARIA: (backing up) Out of witty remarks. Extremely creeped out. Sister's welfare being pushed aside in interest of self-preservation.

[She runs back to the house]

[INT Living Room. Daria enters from the kitchen while Jake and Helen, still steaming, come in]

JAKE: Daria! Have you seen Torgo?

DARIA: No, but there's a bunch of dead people in the backyard. Quinn's missing, too.

HELEN: QUINN'S MISSING?!

JAKE: WITH THAT SICKO ON THE PREMISES?!

DARIA: Not to mention the people in the backyard.

JAKE: Maybe she's in one of the other rooms!

DARIA: The kitchen or the bedroom, so many choices. I do know she's not outside *with those people I found.*

[Helen runs into the bedroom to check while Jake does so in the kitchen. A moment later they return]

HELEN: Maybe she's outside!

DARIA: Yes, outside. With the *dead people*.

[Jake and Helen run out. With a sigh Daria follows]

[EXT House. Helen, Daria beside her, is in the driveway, calling for Quinn. Jake, brandishing a flashlight, rushes on-screen to join them]

HELEN: QUINN! MARCH BACK FROM WHEREVER YOU ARE RIGHT NOW, YOUNG LADY!

JAKE: WE'LL GIVE YOU TWENTY BUCKS IF YOU DO!

HELEN: (yelling while giving Jake a perturbed glance) NO WE WON'T! YOU COME BACK HERE THIS MINUTE OR YOU'RE GROUNDED FROM THE PHONE FOR A MONTH! (a beat, normal) Oh, this is getting us nowhere!

JAKE: Let's see if she's around back!

[Jake and Daria follow Helen as she starts walking around the right side of the house]

DARIA: With all that screaming you probably woke the people in the backyard. Why don't we see if they know where Quinn is?

HELEN: (not listening) We will in a second, sweetie... (to Jake, snidely) At least you didn't forget the flashlight this time.

JAKE: (annoyed) Oh sure, shift the blame to me! If we'd gone to Hawaii like I wanted Quinn wouldn't be missing!

DARIA: Unless the natives offered her as a sacrifice to Toki-Tiki, like the people in the backyard might if -

JAKE: (interrupting) BUT NO! We just had to go to El Paso to visit Amy and that weirdo musician she's dating!

QUINN: (OS) Mom, Dad! There you are!

[They stop as Quinn, dragging something behind her, comes up. Jake shines the flashlight in her direction]

HELEN: (relieved) Quinn, thank God! You had us so...

[Helen trails off and goes white with fright as she sees what Quinn is holding – a leash with the dog from the painting on the end of it. Daria and Jake, eyes wide, jump back]

JAKE: YAGH!

HELEN: Quinn, step away from the dog!

QUINN: Why? It's a cute puppy I found out in the dark near all those weird people!

DARIA: Cute puppy's usually don't have teeth sharp enough to rip you in half, Quinn.

QUINN: What are you talking - (she turns and sees what the dog really looks like) AGH!

[She quickly drops the leash and rushes over to cower behind Jake and Helen. The dog runs off in the opposite direction]

JANE: (VO) One day they're playing with Barbies, the next they're worshiping Beelzebub. Sad, really.

TRICIA: (VO) What kind of hell beast runs away like that?

DARIA: (VO) The kind that's been to a vet from the ninth circle. I guess the Master didn't want any hell pups running around.

[Helen and Jake lean down to face-level with Quinn]

HELEN: Quinn, you could have been hurt! You should never run away like that!

JAKE: (back-up mode) Yeah, young lady!

QUINN: I was just trying to find a bathroom! I went out back and was about to turn around, because the dark is so scary and this desert heat is just killing my hair, which is why I brought -

HELEN: (patiently) How'd you find the dog, Quinn?

QUINN: (remembering) Oh, yeah! So I was about to go back in when I saw a bunch of people who were asleep and then I felt something licking my hand. At first I was scared but it barked so I figured it was a cute puppy that had gotten lost in the desert. If I had known it was that ugly I'd have never gone off with it!

DARIA: That would be a good policy for picking your dates in the future.

HELEN: (standing up) At least you're all right now and - wait, did you say something about people?

QUINN: Yeah! There's a guy and a bunch of women in robes and stuff in the backyard!

DARIA: (sighing) Note to self, people only listen to those with perfect complexions.

JAKE: (standing up) Maybe they can help us!

DARIA: They didn't look like they were in a communicating mood, Dad.

[Helen & Jake lead the girls around to the backyard. They spot the circle, slowing their pace as they see the group is now awake. The Master is addressing the wives, who are sitting around the pyre]

JAKE: (hushed) They look pretty alive to me! (aloud) Hey there -

HELEN: (hushed, interrupting) Wait, I think they're talking about us!

[We pan from the family to the cult, who are in the middle of an argument]

WIFE #1: (a severe looking blonde) Who led the man and the children here?

WIFE #2: (a red-head) It was Torgo! He let them in!

WIFE #3: (a haughty brunette) The man is of no use to us! We only need the woman!

WIFE #4: (another brunette) Yes! We must rid ourselves of the man and the children!

[A few of the other wives murmur in agreement]

WIFE #1: We must not kill the children! Manos loves beautiful women, and they will grow up to be beautiful women! The Man yes, the child no!

[A few others mumble agreement with her]

MASTER: I have had enough of this bickering! They must all be eliminated!

WIFE #1: It is against the law of Manos to harm a woman!

MASTER: Only I may interpret Manos' law! After tonight, I think your service to us will be at it's end!

WIFE #1: (pointing to Wife #3) She started it!

WIFE #3: Did not!

TAD: (VO) Their god's name was "Hands?"

DARIA: (VO) For spotting that you get an extra carrot stick next time.

[Pan back to the Morgendorffers, or whether where they were. They've long since run away]

[EXT Driveway, BGM Gary Cail's "Escape". The family comes running from around the side of the house, not stopping till they reach the car. They quickly jump in]

[INT Mini-Van, BGM fading as they catch their breath. Jake tries to start the van]

JAKE: Start, damn it, START! We've got some sicko cult on our tails!

DARIA: (looking out her window) I think they're still back there arguing.

HELEN: We can't take that chance! Jake, let's go!

JAKE: The car won't start! Those freaks must have cast some Voodoo spell on it!

DARIA: This is Texas, Dad. They're probably snake handlers.

JAKE: Well I'm gonna to find Torgo and make him help us!

HELEN: You're leaving us here unprotected?!

JAKE: Of course not! The tazer's in the glove compartment with the gun! Speaking of which...

[He leans over and unlocks the glove compartment, pulling a .32 Magnum out along with the tazer. He hands the latter to Helen]

JAKE: Now lock all the doors and honk if anything happens!

HELEN: You're not going to kill Torgo, are you?

JAKE: Of course not! I'll check on those weirdo's and then pistol whip Torgo like the man used to do to us! Be right back!

[Jake opens his door and jumps out, locking it behind him]

HELEN: (mumbling) If we live through this night I swear I will make you pay, Jake Morgendorffer...

[EXT House. Jake is ranting to himself as he heads for the backyard]

JAKE: (muttering) I wanted to move someplace where there aren't cults, but no! (imitating Helen) "There are more career opportunities in Texas for me, Jake!" (normal) What about Jake's career?! We could've gone to visit mom, but *no*, we gotta see Amy! I bet she's in a cult too -

[From out of nowhere Torgo runs up and strikes Jake over the head with his staff, knocking him unconscious. Torgo pulls Jake over to the side of the house and removes the latter's belt, tying him to a pole]

[INT Van. Helen is looking through some papers, giving the surrounding area an occasional once-over. Quinn is off-screen, rummaging through the floorboard. Daria is also on look-out]

QUINN: I can't find my Darcy's First Make-Up Kit!

DARIA: Maybe Torgo took it so he can look as pretty as he feels.

QUINN: Mom, can I go and see if I left in the house?

HELEN: (flipping through her papers) Absolutely not! We're staying put till your father gets back! Now where did I put the Jergen's file...

QUINN: Maybe you took it inside!

HELEN: (realization) Damn, I did! Daria, wait here.

DARIA: I can see how helping some hypochondriacs sue over a little rash outweighs my safety.

[Helen sorts through her purse, pulling out a can of mace and handing it to Daria]

HELEN: Here's the mace just in case, but we'll be right back, I promise! Honk if you see anything!

DARIA: Does that include coyotes, or just Dad screaming as he's chased by knife-wielding psychos?

HELEN: Use your best judgment.

[Helen and Quinn exit. Daria locks up behind them. After a moment she grows restless]

DARIA: Waiting here would be the smartest course of action, but knowing Dad he probably tripped in a rabbit hole, and since this is likely my last night on Earth, I can think of better places to spend it than here. (beat) To my death it is.

[She makes her own exit]

JANE: (VO) And you complain about how cliched horror films are?

DARIA: (VO) Life is like a crappy horror film - contrived and badly acted.

[INT Bedroom. A nervous Helen is rummaging around in search of her papers. Quinn comes running up from behind, carrying her toy compact]

QUINN: I found it! Daria was using it as a bookmark!

HELEN: (jumping) Don't do that, Quinn! Now sit still while I look for my briefs!

[Quinn sits down on the bed. After a moment she looks back and sees Torgo peeping through the window]

QUINN: (nervously) Uhm, Mom...

HELEN: (to herself) I was looking through it before Torgo pawed me...

QUINN: (louder) Mu-om, there's a -

HELEN: Quinn, if you want to help, try and find my papers!

QUINN: (insistently) But somebody's peeping at us through the window!

[Helen turns around and sees what Quinn has]

HELEN: EEP!

[She runs over and pulls the drape down, then back to shut and lock the bedroom door]

HELEN: Oh God, Daria's still out there! I never should have left her alone!

QUINN: She'll be fine, Mom, she's got the mace! Besides, even Torgo wouldn't touch her!

HELEN: (lightly punching the door) Dammit, Jake, where are you?!

[EXT House, BGM Jon Spencer Blues Explosion "She Said". The moon has broke through the clouds, allowing a little illumination. Daria is slowly crawling along the back wall, keeping an eye on the cult and a finger on the mace trigger. She sees several forms tussling around in the distance. Curiosity gets the better of her and she stealthily makes her way over to get a better look]

[EXT Cult Area, BGM continuing. Six of the wives are wrestling each other]

DARIA: (OS, hushed) Great, now I'm in a Russ Myer movie.

TRICIA: (VO) Wouldn't someone flying overhead have seen them?

DARIA: (VO) You'd think so, but this is Texas we're talking about. Cults are a dime a dozen down there.

JANE: (VO) If anyone did it'd probably be like, (bad Texas accents) "Hey, Earl, see those women wrasslin' down there in sheer robes?" "Probly some hippy cult. There's lots of 'em 'round here." Or something like that.

[EXT House, BGM fading. Daria has resumed her search, turning the corner when she spots Wife #3 in a one-sided make out session with the unconscious Jake. Daria quickly hides. After a few minutes Wife #3, perturbed at Jake's lack of response and slaps him a few times]

WIFE #3: Don't you ever do that again!

[She storms out of frame past Daria, who emerges a second later from her hiding place. As she walks up to Jake he starts coming to]

JAKE: (mumbling) Wow, you haven't done that in years, honey... (alert) Wha-hey!

[Daria comes to a stop near the pole]

DARIA: I'm putting this in my "Moments To Be Scarred By" file.

JAKE: Hey kiddo! Don't suppose you could help out your dear old dad?

DARIA: Do you have any idea how you got here?

JAKE: I was trying to find Torgo so I could do something to him - strangle, I think - and then I felt a sharp pain. Had the weirdest dream, too!

DARIA: So you don't remember the part where you were mauled by a woman wearing a Victoria's Secret robe?

JAKE: What are you talking about... (it clicks) DAH! It was nothing, Daria, I swear! (meekly) *Please* don't tell your mother!

DARIA: I believe you, Dad, but I'm a kid. You never know what I might say the next time you refuse to buy me something.

JAKE: Ten?

DARIA: Thirty.

JAKE: Twenty?

DARIA: Twenty-five.

JAKE: Deal!

[Daria squats down and unties Jake. He pulls out his wallet and hands her the money]

DARIA: (pointing to the gun) Uhm, Dad, you might need that.

JAKE: Oh yeah! (he picks it up) Uhm, never play with guns, Daria!

DARIA: Lead on, MacGruff.

[The rush off screen]

[INT Living Room. Jake and Daria run in]

JAKE: Helen? Where are you?!

[Quinn follows Helen as she runs out of the bedroom and embraces Jake]

HELEN: Jake, thank heavens! I saw Torgo peeping through the window and locked the door! Are you all right?

JAKE: (nervously) Same as always, honey! Daria can verify it!

DARIA: The local wildlife was admiring him.

HELEN: We need to get out of here now!

JAKE: I know, let's hide in the desert!

DARIA: That sagebrush is very concealing.

QUINN: *Desert*?! But I'll get sand in my sneakers!

HELEN: I'll do anything to get out of this place!

JAKE: Great, let's go!

[EXT Cult Area. The wives have stopped tussling and are now watching the Master berate Torgo]

MASTER: It was you who brought them here, and now you will suffer the consequences!

TORGO: But MasteR...

MASTER: Silence! Manos decrees that you pay the ultimate price!

[He pushes Torgo down onto the slab. The wives rhythmically dance around the prone Torgo for a few minutes before rubbing him for unknown and unfathomable reasons]

JANE: (VO) Hold on! How’d you know what they did to Torgo?

DARIA: (VO) I'm elaborating, but they did something to him.

TRICIA: (VO) What was that?

[EXT Desert. The Morgendorffers are running as fast as they can. Jake is carrying Quinn in his arms while Helen holds Daria's hand. The family stops as Torgo runs by, screaming and holding his flaming foot]

TORGO: HoT foot, hOt foot, Ow ow OW...!

[After a look of confusion amongst themselves, the family resumes running. A few yards away from a dirt road Helen slips in a cow pie, taking Daria down with her]

HELEN: Dammit!

[Jake sets Quinn down and goes to check on Helen as Daria pulls herself up]

JAKE: Honey, are you alright?

HELEN: (clutching her ankle) I think I sprained my ankle!

DARIA: I think I fractured my pride.

QUINN: Mu-*om*, there's a cult right behind us...

HELEN: (sitting up) Just let me rest for a minute! I knew I shouldn't have put off taking up jogging!

JAKE: Hey, why don't we go back to the house! They'd never look for us there!

HELEN: (shooting up, the pain forgotten) THAT IS THE SINGLE STUPIDEST IDEA I HAVE EVER HEARD!

DARIA: Have to agree with her, Dad. Where would we hide once we got there?

JAKE: The door frame?

[At Helen and the girls perturbed looks, Jake starts backing up]

JAKE: Hey, if anyone has a better idea, go right ahead and -

[He backs up into the Master]

JAKE: Eep!

[Jake simultaneously jumps forward and turns to face the Master. Helen and the girls back up in horror]

HELEN: Oh God, no!

JAKE: (nervous) Hey, fancy seeing you here!

[The Master just stares at them. After a beat Jake pulls the gun out of his shorts, aiming it at him]

JAKE: Don't make me use this! If you come one step closer... well, I'll do something!

[The Master continues to stare]

HELEN: What are you waiting for, Jake? Shoot him!

JAKE: (out of the side of his mouth) But he's not really doing anything, Helen!

DARIA: Maybe if you hit him on the side he'll unfreeze.

[Headlights flash over the family and the Master as a low roar sounds in the background. We see a red Lamborghini, followed by a Highway Patrol cruiser, park a few feet away. The door pops open and Amy, glasses on and wearing jeans with a shirt reading "ORBITAL LAWNCHAIR TOUR 1991" squeezes out of the tight confines of her car]

AMY: (mumbling) Knew I should have gotten the Porsche... (aloud, spotting the family) Helen, Jake! (she walks over to them) I thought that was your van outside! What happened?

DARIA: Just the usual murderous hi-jinks that go hand in hand with family vacations.

[In the background two patrolmen exit their vehicle. As they walk over, the wives catch up to the group. The officers head off to question them]

HELEN: Oh thank God it's you, Amy! We were making perfectly good time when Jake decided to try one his hair-brained short cuts -

JAKE: (bitter) And you're one to talk, Miss A-Hundred-Tickets-At- Last-Count?

HELEN: Oh stuff it, Jake!

AMY: (to herself) Good thing I have a couch... (aloud) Go on.

HELEN: ANYWAYS, we stopped for directions at this cottage and met a sick cult who've been trying to molest and kill us all night!

AMY: Cult, what... (she notices the Master, realization) Oh, that cult. (she walks over to the Master) Hi, Ronald. How's the cult going?

MASTER: I am the Master now!

HELEN: You know this freak? Oh what am I saying, of course you do...

JAKE: I knew she was in a cult!

AMY: (turning back to face them) The only cult I'm in is the cult of Alan Rickman, Jake. Ron and I dated after I first moved here. Then he got involved with this Mentos thing -

MASTER: It's *Manos*!

AMY: (cont.) - and started hanging with some guy from the local sideshow. Where is Torgo anyway?

DARIA: Putting out a flame even Neosporin can't help.

[The cops start leading several wives away as another cruiser pulls up. Two more patrolmen exit and start towards the family and the Master]

MASTER: SILENCE, ALL OF YOU! Manos has decreed that I take this woman and her daughters as my brides! I also need a new demonic henchman, so -

JAKE: (swinging to face the Master) Wait a darn minute! You want to MARRY my wife and kids?! No pedophile's gonna touch my little girls!

[Jake leaps at the Master, knocking him down. We hear brutal fight noises from off-screen. The cops rush over to intervene]

HELEN: (turning to Amy) So you dumped him after he joined the cult?

AMY: No, that wasn't till I caught him and Torgo peeping through my bedroom window.

DARIA: I guess the Barksdale women are just irresistible.

QUINN: (walking up to Amy) Aunt Amy, do you have a bathroom?

AMY: (monotone) Yes, Quinn, but there's a ten dollar charge for using it.

QUINN: No problem! Let's roll!

[She runs off and hops into the Lamborghini]

[FADE TO INT Gupty's Bedroom. Tricia is asleep, Tad slowly drifting off]

TAD: (sleepily) Did the Master really have supernatural powers?

DARIA: He just slept for long periods of times and stared at people.

JANE: Kind of like Trent and Andrea.

TAD: Good night, Daria and Jane...

DARIA: Good night, John Boy.

[Daria and Jane exit the room, turning the light off and closing the door softly]

[INT Gupty House Hallway. Daria and Jane start down the stairs]

JANE: Cool story, but it could have used a vampire.

DARIA: I'm sure there was one in another of my repressed memories. Give me a week.

JANE: Come to think of it, how do you know what happened to Helen and Jake?

DARIA: I was a witness in "Morgendorffer vs. Manos". Turns out he was an insurance salesman from Houston.

[EXT Lane House, a few hours later. BGM Type O Negative's "Black No. 1"]

[INT Lane Living Room. BGM fades as Daria and Jane enter. Trent walks on-screen to greet them]

TRENT: Hey, Janey, hey Daria. I need an opinion on something I'm thinking of adding to the opening of Spiral's show.

DARIA: If I hear anything about crucifixes made out of TV's, I'm out of here.

TRENT: Nah, just some synth sounds. I've been fooling around on the MIDI keyboard all night.

JANE: Now you use it for something besides sampling your electronic Yahtzee game?

[The camera pans with Trent as he walks over towards the couch, where the keyboard is set up]

TRENT: I got a sample off that puppet show you two are always watching.

JANE: It's not a puppet show!

TRENT: Whatever. Listen!

[He punches a playback button. A synth version of "Torgo's Theme" starts playing. After a brief shock, Daria recovers]

TRENT: Well, what do you think?

DARIA: It has a beat you can dance to, if your idea of dance music is anything by Charles Manson.

[ROLL CREDITS, BGM Snap "The Cult of Snap". The following Mystery Science Theatre 3000 themed alter ego's slide by]

Mr. DeMartino as the Master

UpChuck as Torgo

Sandi as Wife #3

Kevin & Brittany as the necking couple, being harassed by DeMartino & O'Niell as highway patrolmen

Daria as Teenage Cavewoman

Ted as the kid from "Laserblast" (imagine a snarling, green skinned Ted with a laser cannon where his left arm should be. Oh yeah, and a pack of gum in his right hand)

The Fashion Club as the Nardo Gang from "Swamp Diamonds" (basically all dressed like Daisy Duke)

Monique as a voodoo priestess standing over a zombified Jesse rising out of a coffin, from "Zombie Nightmare"

Daria in a green jumpsuit similar to Joel Robinson and Mike Nelson's outfits

Helen & Jake as Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank

Ms. Li as Pearl Forrester, clutching a film canister

Mr. O'Niell as Bobo

Mr. DeMartino as Brain Guy

POINTS OF NON-INTREST

WHAT IS MANOS AND WHY PARODY IT?

"Manos": The Hands of Fate is THE WORST MOVIE EVER MADE. That's capitalized for a reason. Plan 9? Amateurish. Batman & Robin? Child's play. They pale before the horror that is Manos. Incompetently written, directed, acted, edited, lit, and probably catered, this lump of pure pain was the brainchild of Harold P. Warren, a fertilizer salesman from Texas. You simply have to see it for yourself, and even then I urge you to watch the Mystery Science Theatre 3000 version (available on DVD, also containing the original unedited film) as a buffer.

As for the genesis of this unnecessary crossover, you can blame a twisted thought tangent I went off on after reading too many fanfics and watching too much MST3K. "Manos" was made in El Paso, Texas. Daria made reference to El Paso in her conditioning rant from "The Lab Brat", which in turn played a part in the concept of Amy being Daria's real mother in Nicole's "Relativity", which IIRC spawned that cliché. Orbital Lawnchair is a reference to Nemo Blank's "Too Many Choices", which also dealt with that subject. Factor in Mike Judge's statement Beavis & Butthead was set in Texas, and you see why I should be kept away from a keyboard.

TORGO'S VOICE

Hopefully the italics stopped you from imagining it ala DeMartino's voice, because it isn't. You have to hear it to get the full impact. Mike Nelson, host of MST3K, does a very funny imitation of this "classic" character.

THE CULT

Why so few scenes involving the cult? Why not? Basically they argue, the fight, they argue, they fight... you get the idea. We have Helen and Jake for that. Torgo is rubbed and slapped around following the dancing, but dies off-screen after the Master burns his hand off. Trivia: The MST version cuts out the family finding Torgo's body and a scene where the Master beats Wife #1 to death. Warren apparently didn't know the line between horrifying and loathsome.

AND THE AWARD FOR STUPIDEST FILM FAMILY GOES TO...

If you think Jake can be clueless, just watch the dad in this movie, as portrayed by Warren. All signs point to it being a bad idea to stay there, but they end up spending what seems to be all night there. Yeah, the car won't start and the father's unconscious for several hours, but the sight of Torgo (who tries in vain to warn them off) alone should have sent him packing. The wife isn't much better, becoming a tearful wreck and deciding not to tell her husband about Torgo's pass (no way could I see Helen doing that) while the daughter does little more than whine for her dead puppy, a subplot I briefly considered for Quinn before settling on the bathroom gag. As for going back into the house to hide, I wish I had made that up.

SPOT-THE-REHASH

A number of lines and scenes were "inspired" or outright ripped-off from the MST version, and a few key sequences taken from the Simpsons. I don't like to go into detail on every single reference, and I'm sure most readers will have spotted them.

And thus my first Daria fic is completed. I urge all complaints, grievances, and death threats sent to cdm2012@ntin.net. I could use all the critiques, outright flames, and "not-so-nice try"'s I can get. My only experience in fan-fiction have been a number of MiSTings and the occasional Doctor Who story (most of which I'd like to forget). Thanks for reading, or some other pithy last note.

DISCLAIMERS

Daria and all related characters created by Glenn Eichler and Susie Lewis Lynn. "Daria" and all characters and situations therein are copyright MTV Networks, a Viacom company, copyright 1997, 2000. Used without permission.

All Manos: The Hands of Fate characters and situations therein are public domain.