Daria Meets Kevin Williamson By Stephanie Scene1- DARIA MORGENDORFFER is in her bedroom. Suddenly, she hears a noise near her opened window. It's her best friend JANE LANE. DARIA: Hey, Jane. JANE: Yo. [Silence] DARIA: Aren't we supposed to talk about how we lust after guys and phases of puberty? JANE: [shrugs] I guess we can distort the script just a bit. KEVIN WILLIAMSON: Cut! Jane, you're not supposed to say that! DARIA: You like horror movies, Mr.Williamson. Let's make a deal. KEVIN WILLIAMSON: Yeah, what? DARIA: Jane and I will make the script different. We act it out. If you don't like it, we can go back to the crap we usually say about how we wish our guy friends were our boyfriends and how our emerging hormones are causing trouble in the world of the opposite sex. KEVIN WILLIAMSON: No need to elaborate, Morgendorffer. Okay, do your stuff. Daria and Jane revise the script with the other actors. Then they get to work. [Paula Cole's "I Don't Want to Wait" plays. Jane enters the bedroom window for the second time] DARIA: You again? JANE: Yep. They make me do this. [Kevin Williamson is frowning nearby] DARIA: What's Trent doing today? JANE: At home. Sleeping. DARIA: Oh. I see. [Silence] JANE: Did you see the new girl next door? Quinn, or something? DARIA: Yes, I did. Damn she's pretty. JANE: That's just the problem. Trent will most likely swoon over her. And your friendship with him won't be quite the same. It's starting to sound just like a regular episode, until....a guy dressed like a fisherman climbs through the window. JANE: Who are you? FISHERMAN: I know what you did last summer. DARIA: You did? Oh, God, that's so embarrassing. We went to Lake Tahoe. I didn't think anyone knew about my mom's skinny dipping in the lake! FISHERMAN: Huh? JANE: What's with the hook? FISHERMAN: What? DARIA: I can't believe you followed us all the way to Lake Tahoe. The trip was so boring, it must've put you to sleep. I would have much rather been injected with poison. FISHERMAN: What are you talking about? I know what you did last summer!! JANE: You don't need to enunciate for us. We're sophomores. DARIA: You see that beautiful girl next door? Go ask her what she did last summer. FISHERMAN: I give up. The fisherman exits the window. Shortly after he leaves, the phone rings. DARIA: Hello? KILLER: What's your name? DARIA: You're that straightforward type, aren't you? KILLER: What's your name? DARIA: If you think you have the wrong number, my name isn't important. KILLER: What's your freakin' name?! DARIA: Look, who are you trying to get a hold of? KILLER: TELL ME YOUR NAME! Then say," Why?" You're supposed to say," WHY?" DARIA: Okay then. Why? KILLER: [calms down] I want to know who I'm looking at. DARIA: Oh. And you're going to chase me around the house with this knife in this ghostly outfit that's supposed to scare the crap out of me and slay me, right? KILLER: How did you know? DARIA: Don't you think I watch movies? You know, that Buffy the vampire slayer would be a much better match for you. I'm just a lowly sophomore with a really high IQ. KILLER: What are you talking about? DARIA: You know that pretty little girl next door? She's a perfect victim. She'll scream and she'll run around the house and let you chase her through the yard and hang her on a tree. Go try her. KILLER: You're weird, you know that? DARIA: And is that supposed to be a compliment? The killer hangs up the phone. We hear screaming from next door. It's Quinn--she's being attacked by a fisherman with a hook and a guy in a ghostly black and white outfit. JANE: Wow, freaky. DARIA: I know. I'm really sort of popular these days. Suddenly, someone else climbs through the window. He's tall, blonde, and his name is Dawson Leery--actually, he's really Kevin Thompson, the QB for Lawndale High. And he's obviously wearing a blonde wig. DARIA: Who are you? KEVIN: What are you doing in my bedroom? This is my room! And my friend Joey--I mean, Brittany--should climb in here any minute. JANE: I think you have the wrong house. Then Joey Potter--played by Brittany Taylor, cheerleader at Lawndale--climbs in the window after Kevin. BRITTANY: Kevin, what are all these people doing in your bedroom? KEVIN: [sputtering] I don't know! DARIA: This is a mistake. This is my room. And I'm very appreciative of this little housewarming party of four, but I'm going to have to ask you to leave. KEVIN: This is MY room, I'm telling you! See? It's an obvious Spielberg admirer's room. DARIA: I heard that cute girl next door named Quinn is having a party--why don't you go join her? KEVIN: [shrugs] Whatever. But by the time I come back, I want my room! Kevin and Brittany exit Daria's bedroom. JANE: Weird. The phone rings again. DARIA: Hello? KILLER: What's your favorite horror movie? DARIA: I don't like watching horror movies. There's one too many about psychotic killers. KILLER: What's your favorite horror movie? DARIA: You know, you're like that guy that called earlier. A typical broken record that won't take no for an answer. KILLER: You're supposed to ask me who I am. DARIA: Um, what happened to that girl next door? KILLER: She's hanging from a tree right now. DARIA: Ah, I see. KILLER: You're supposed to ask me who I am!!! DARIA: Don't go hysterical. Okay. Who is this? KILLER: [deviously] It's not who I am, it's where I am! DARIA: What if I don't want to know where you are? KILLER: You're supposed to start whimpering and crying! DARIA: I don't feel like it? The killer hangs up. DARIA: Hello? Hello....? JANE: Hung up on you? DARIA: Yeah. JANE: Now according to the script, we're supposed to notice Trent flirting with Quinn, the new neighbor. DARIA: But.... It's too late. Jane drags Daria to the window and they peer out. JANE: Whoa. One minute she's strutting her stuff in this cute outfit, the next, she's hanging from a tree, gutted. DARIA: Oh, no...Trent! Scene2- TRENT is coming out of his house, according to the script. He saunters over to Quinn's house. He sees the girl's body hanging gutted from a tree, and two other dead bodies sprawled on the lawn [Kevin and Brittany]. TRENT: [disgusted] That's the girl I'm supposed to fall in love with? That's wrong. He double-checks. Yep, she fits the description--red hair, pink smiley-face shirt. TRENT: [sickened] Uhhhh.. He turns green, then rushes away. Scene3- DARIA and JANE are still in her bedroom. They see Trent running away from Quinn's house, throwing up. MRS.HELEN MORGENDORFFER: Daria! Mail for you! DARIA: Just slide it under the door, Mom. HELEN: Okay, Daria.... Jane picks up a white envelope. She opens it for Daria, then rolls her eyes. DARIA: What does it say? JANE: 'I know what you did last summer'? What's that supposed to mean? DARIA: That fisherman must have sent it. When will he get over it? JANE: [shrugs] I'll toss it out for you. She throws it out the window. DARIA: Well...I'm going to bed. JANE: In that case, I'll go back home. See ya later, Daria. DARIA: Later, Jane. Daria is left sleeping in her darkened bedroom. She hears footsteps in her bedroom. She sits up straight in bed. The fisherman is approaching her slowly with scissors. FISHERMAN: Heheheheheh..... In the dark, he can't tell that Daria isn't asleep. He clutches her hair and is about to take a few chops of hair off when all of a sudden.... DARIA: What do you think you're doing? FISHERMAN: [startled] Augh! What are YOU doing awake? DARIA: I doubt you're a professional beautician. FISHERMAN: Go back to sleep! DARIA: What are you doing here? FISHERMAN: Did you get my message? DARIA: Yeah...I know what you did last summer? What the heck's that supposed to mean? FISHERMAN: Exactly what it says, Julie James! DARIA: Wait a sec. My name isn't Julie James. FISHERMAN: You mean I've got the wrong girl? DARIA: Yes, I'm afraid so. FISHERMAN: And the whole time I thought YOU were the one that ran over my son! The fisherman exits. Daria is about to go back to sleep when she hears a creaking sound again. DARIA: Who's in here now? KILLER: What's your favorite horror movie? DARIA: [silent] KILLER: What's your name? DARIA:[silent] KILLER: Hope you have a eulogy already written! Do you? DARIA: What is this, fifty questions? KILLER: I'm going to kill you, Sidney. After all you've done to my family. DARIA: Hold on there! My name isn't Sidney. KILLER: Yes it is. That friend of yours that climbs through the window is Tatum. And you're Sidney--Sidney Prescott. DARIA: Um, my name is Daria Morgendorffer. You must have the wrong house somehow. KILLER: I'll kill you anyhow. DARIA: But that's not in the script. You'd be in breach of the contract I signed with Mr.Williamson. The main character isn't allowed to be killed. KILLER: You know, I'd kill you if it weren't for that dumb contract. DARIA: Am I supposed to be scared by that threat? The killer growls, then leaves. MR.JAKE MORGENDORFFER bursts through the door. JAKE: Daria? Daria! I heard sounds in your room! Are you okay? DARIA: I'm fine, Dad. JAKE: You know, for a second there, I thought you were being stalked. DARIA: No. I'm just one unpopular girl that is always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Hey. I think I'll take a shower. JAKE: Good idea. Scene4- Daria is in her bath robe ready to take a shower. The bathroom is all steamy due to the hot water. She sees a message on the shower. I STILL KNOW DARIA: That fisherman must've forgotten. This world lacks intellectuals these days. THE END.