Daria /Crocodile Hunter parody

Synopsis: Ms. Li’s newest pet project, Lawndale High’s Filmmaking Club, is shooting "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course". Read it at your own peril.

Most of the staff of Lawndale High are sitting in the cafeteria, listening to Ms. Li. Quite a few senior students – Daria, Jane, Mack, Kevin, Jodie, Brittany, Andrea, Ted, others – are also present.

Ms. Li: …And so, the school board had decided to donate this grant to Lawndale High’s Filmmaking Club!

DM: But we don’t have this kind of club!

Ms. Li: We do now!

DM: …

Daria: Exactly, Mr. DeMartino. We’re that club, aren’t we, Ms. Li?

Ms. Li: Exactly! And, Miss Morgendorffer, since you’re so-o-o smart, you’ll be the star!

Daria: Only if Jane is my sidekick or something.

Ms. Li: Granted!

O’Neill: (timidly) Eh, what movie are we shooting?

Ms. Li: Mr. O’Neill, we shooting "Crocodile Hunter: Collision Course"!

General silence.

DM: …Isn’t it kind of a stretch? Where are we going to get a crocodile?

Ms. Li: Our sponsor, the Lawndale Zoo, had kindly taken those problems onto itself!

DM: But why?

Ms. Li: Great oaks from little acorns grow… and besides, we need to jump-start this club to get that money! Now here are the roles and professions…

Daria: (to Jane) Why do I have a bad feeling about this?

Jane: (not listening) We’ll be stars!

Daria: (to the ceiling) Now I know.

Scene 1: A satellite is flying through space.

Scene 2: (Mojave Desert, California) Lots of people at the computers, looking at data. Suddenly:

Woman1: Dr? The data from the satellite shows that it is moving on a deviation

Dr: Alert Tember; I’ll be right over:

Scene 3: The satellite is still moving through space; but now signs of an internal fire are shown.

Scene 4: (Canberra, Australia) A man is looking at a computer:

Man1: We’ve lost the satellite over Queensland; it is programmed to self-destruct if it leaves the orbit.

Words "Critical" flash on the display.

Scene 5: The satellite blows up. A spherical object goes off into space towards earth.

Scene 6: The head scientist and another man are the computers.

Man2: Canberra lost it when we did.

HS: Broadcast all SS information from the last 24 hours.

Scene 7: The object enters the earth’s atmosphere and begins to burn-up, changing its’ shape from a sphere into a cone-like shape. It falls next to a river, bounces off a road sign, and rolls down the shore…

…where a crocodile gulps it up.

Scene 8: the head scientist holds a conference.

HS: See that’s where it landed (points at a screen) and that’s where we’ve lost transmission.

Man2: Looks to me like American government got itself a problem in Australia.

Scene 9: A large lizard is lying basking on sand, when suddenly Daria jumps onto it. She misses, and the lizard scampers off.

Daria: Ouch. Jane!

Daria begins to chase after the lizard, unsuccessfully. In part this because the lizard is very big (it’s a goanna lizard) and in part because she isn’t a very good runner.

Daria: Jane!

We see Jane running (but not too fast either with a landing net. Daria, meanwhile, is continuing to try and catch the lizard but she is still unsuccessful. Suddenly, both she and the lizard do a runner-up, she jumps… and misses. The lizard goes off the dune into rocks, with Daria continuing to chase it. Suddenly, the lizard runs into a cavern, and Daria lunges and misses it again, for the last time.

Daria: Now what? (Waits to gather her bearings; then) Oh look lizard poo!

Pause

Daria: Using it, we can study what that goanna had eaten last.

Pause

Daria: Jane, can you give me a hand?

Jane: (OS) That’s not in my script.

Daria: Fine. (Still doesn’t touch it). This was the goanna – as quick as a snake and as nasty as a shark. Got teeth, claws, slapping tail…? (Pauses) Why was I chasing it, again?

Ms. Li: (OS) It was part of the script, Miss Morgendorffer!

Daria: Whatever… Basically, it just hides in this cavern, waits for something to come by… then wack! It strikes and crawls back into its’ cave. (Blinks and leaves rather hurriedly)

Scene 10: Daria is walking towards her and Jane’s truck.

Jane: (OS) Where’s the poop?

Daria: Back there. You go and get it… and hope that goanna doesn’t decide that your fingers are lunch.

Andrea: (OS) I’ll do it – for a price.

Daria: 20% of whatever we’ll get paid?

Andrea: (OS) Deal. I’m currently working for rates that would make workers at Ralph’s diner pity me!

Jane: (Moving into the shot) Now that that’s out of the way… Daria, it’s your line.

Daria: We’re on a mission to collect Australia’s unwanted, unloved animals. We’re off to snake country, mates! (Pauses) Weren’t we supposed to get a dog?

Ms. Li (OS) You’ll get one later. Maybe. Damn budget balances!

Daria: Whatever… (Pauses) Well, we’re off!

Scene 10: (C.I.A Headquarters, Langley, V.A.) It’s night. A man is walking towards the building. It’s Kevin Thompson. He pushes his hand against a handprint scanner, and elevator door opens. He goes into the elevator, and the door closes, taking him upstairs.

Scene 11: The elevator door opens, and other man greets Kevin. It’s Mack Mackenzie.

Mack: Kevin?

Kevin: Mack Daddy!

Mack: Don’t call me that at (checks his watch) 3 A.M.! (Pauses) Let’s go in.

Scene 12: Mack and Kevin enter an office, where Coach Gibson presides.

CG: Thompson, Mackenzie… At 23:00 we’ve lost communications with a satellite, whose main function was intelligence gathering (Opens the door towards a huge chamber)

Scene 13:

DM: THOMPson, MACKenzie, nice of you to join us!

Kevin: I’m the QB

DM: Son, for the duration of the movie you’re a CIA agent!

Kevin: Cool!

Mack: What’s the buzz, sir?

DM: A satellite got destroyed over Australia. However, its’ black box (shows a replica of the cone-shaped object that the crocodile swallowed earlier) may’ve possibly survived. It got enough information to change the entire power structure!

Mack: And you’re sending HIM (Indicates Kevin)?

Pause

DM: You’ll leave first thing in the morning; we’re sending a leak that that’s just a routine check-up, so unless we scrunch-up some local talent, you’re on your own.

(CG listens-in)

CG and DM leave.

Kevin: Northern Australia…

Mack: Thank god it’s a friendly country.

Scene 14: A farmer (Ms. Barch) is shooting at the crocodile (same one) as before. She misses and the croc slithers off into the river.

Ms. Barch: Go on, get away from my cattle! (Runs to the shore, pauses at something below her) Oh no, poor Daisy (it’s an identification tag). (Fires another shot, but the crocodile’s underwater now, so no luck.

Scene 15: Ms. Barch is riding her motorcycle with a whole pack of dogs around her and around a truck, besetting a ranger (Mr. O’Neill).

Barch: Why are you here, Tim?

O’Neill: Call off the dogs and I’ll tell ya!

Barch whistles and the dogs scatter.

Scene 16: O’Neill and Barch are in a barn.

O’Neill: Now, uh, Janet, I heard you shooting a storm up the river... You could get in serious trouble for that.

Barch: (explodes like a volcano) Now why isn’t it okay for me to shoot a croc, but it’s okay for the croc to eat my cattle?

O’Neill: I’ll find you a solution, Janet…

Barch: Just get out of the door, like my husband, the same no-good man you are! (Starts to swing her shotgun like a baton stick.)

O’Neill: Eep! (Runs-off)

Scene 17: Daria and Jane are at a river.

Daria: (Deadpan) We’re off to save a croc. See it’s been haunting this river for quite some time, and everyone’s afraid that it’ll go at them…

Scene 18: Daria and Jane go down river in a motor boat.

Daria: A crocodile can remain invisible in this river during the day. Personally, I was all for getting a dog from Ms. Barch and use it as bait, but Ms. Li refused on the grounds of a lawsuit. So now we’ve got to wait for the night, and catch the croc with its’ eye-shine… Terrific.

Jane: You’ve forgotten those lines: "The saddest thing is that it isn’t the croc’s fault, it’s the humans’ fault. It haven’t invaded our swimming pool, we invaded its’. The crocodile is the apex predator in this neighbourhood, without it this whole ecosystem will collapse"!

Daria: That’s it; you’ll be starring the croc-catching scene.

Jane: Excuse me?!

Scene 19: The same river, night. Daria and Jane shine their lamps all over the river; suddenly they see the movement of a diving crocodile. Pause. Then Daria shows Jane into the water. The latter instantly sinks.

Daria: Remember Jane: the thing got strength of 3 blokes your size! Restrain it, and I’ll lasso it! (Swings a noose made from cable)

Suddenly, the croc and Jane emerge from the water, struggling and spitting. Daria fails to lasso the reptile, however, and they sink.

Daria: Blink

The crocodile and Jane emerge a second time, and Daria tries to lasso the croc’s jaws again but the crocodile snaps through the cable.

Daria: Damn budget cuts!

Her friend and the reptile emerge a third time, and Daria walks it on the head with an oar. The oar breaks, and the crocodile goes slack.

Scene 20: The crocodile is safely packaged, and both girls are lying in the boat, tired.

Daria: … Still feel sorry for the reptile?

Jane: … #$%@ you.

Daria: I thought so.

Scene 21: (N.R.A. headquarters, Langley, V.A.) Ms. Morris is talking to an operative.

Morris: I’m talking to you because you’re an Aussie… The CIA is sending to of its’ men undercover to retreat the lost satellite.

Brittany: Isn’t that your department?

Morris: DeMartino jumpstarted me, but I’ll show him… Here’s the info on two men – do not fail me!

Brittany: Yes ma’am! Stands up in a military salute.

Scene 22: Kevin and Mack in a bunker.

Kevin: I’ve forgotten my lines.

Mack: Small surprise. Look, we’ll be going as mineral experts to fool the Aussie contact… We’ll be taking the mobile antenna…

Kevin: (Excitedly) And a big gun!

Mack: Come on, there’s nothing that can hurt you in Australia.

Scene 23: A snake slithers past the shot – and Daria almost misses it, but manages to grab it by the tail.

Daria: This fearsome snake has enough venom to kill 150,000 rats or 100 humans… Jane you hold it! (Thrusts it towards the camera which rapidly zooms away) Hey, not so far!

(Pause)

Daria: Isn’t she a beauty? (The snake hisses and Daria freezes) Jane, this is your friend.

Jane: (OS) As if! You’re the star of the show, you hold it!

Daria: Jane, this snake can kill a hundred other people and me. Since you don’t want it, I’m letting it go…

The camera blinks out.

Daria: (OS) Jane, everybody, that was not a joke!

Hissing and screaming go off camera.

Scene 24:

DM: …And that concludes this briefing, gentlemen!

Morris: Can I have a moment, Anthony?

DM: Sure. What?

Morris: You’ve sent two men from your department, with one of them should’ve been from my team!

DM: Whoops. I forgot. But… Thompson will do fine, if he ever wants to-

Morris: This is a deliberate insult, Anthony. I’ll show you and your little friend too! Mwa-ha-ha!

DM: (to OS) Angela, Samantha needs her shots, now.

Scene 25: Ms. Barch’s ranch. The roadway is closed with plenty of signs, like "Savage dogs" and so forth. Suddenly, Mr. O’Neill truck slams into it on high speed, with Mr. O’Neill yelling in a high voice:

O’Neill: How do you stop this thing-g-g?!!

Scene 26: Ms. Barch watches with grim amusement as O’Neill vehicle rumbles past her door. OS there’s a splash and O’Neill’s shouts stop.

Scene 27: Barch is setting the shivering O’Neill off her property.

O’Neill: J-J-Janet, I’ve got a pair of relocation experts to take care of your croc for you...

Barch: Skinny, warm-up a bit and dry down, and get your driver’s permit, for Chrissakes! How’d you manage to drive a truck with ruined tires into a lake is past my understanding! (OS) How’re the dogs?

Andrea: (OS) Scared shitless.

Daria: (OS) Now can we fish for the crocodiles with them?

Ms. Li: (tired) Put a sock in it, Miss Morgendorffer!

Scene 28: A sweltering airfield in the bush. A plane lands, and Kevin and Mack get off of it. A cheerful Brittany is meeting them.

Kevin: Hey, babe!

Brittany: Hey, Kevvy! Want to make-out in my jeep?

Kevin: Sure!

The two run-off.

Mack: (Staring at the camera) Daria, want to switch?

Daria: (OS) Sorry, I’m keeping Jane.

Jane: (OS) Lucky me.

Scene 29: Daria and Jane’s jeep is stopping next to a dead kangaroo.

Daria: Well, this is a nice change: something that’s already dead. Come on; let’s pull it off the road.

Jane: Well that’s kinda like the script…

Daria: (Pulling the kangaroo’s corpse into the deep grass) Hey, go and find the baby roo!

Jane: What’s to find it’s right here! (Points to a baby roo) Aw, and it is cute. Come to mamma, baby!

The baby roo vomits over Jane.

Jane: Quinn, what’s the meaning of this?

Quinn: (OS) Stacy?

Stacy: (OS) Eep!

Jane: Never mind.

Daria walks over to Jane.

Daria: What’s that smell?

Jane: (Curt) Take it while I take off my shirt. (Pause) Upchuck, not a peep!

Jane extends the roo to Daria; the former, however, chooses that moment to succumb to severe diarrhoea, and ruins the rest of Jane’s outfit.

Jane: Stacy!! (Runs OS)

Daria: (Takes the roo OS by the nape of its’ neck, like a mere cat.) Are we finished with this travesty yet?

Ms. Li: (OS) Keep rolling!

Scene 30: Ms. Barch’s motorcycle arrives at some spot at the riverbank. Obviously, she’s going to set an ambush for the croc with her shotgun. There’s some commotion of screen, but she ignores it.

Barch: Steal my cows, will ya? I’ve got a nice juicy for ya! (Swings it over the branch just over the river. Instantly, the crocodile pops-up, grabs the chicken and pulls it into the water. Since Ms. Barch was holding it, she goes into the water as well.) Help!

O’Neill: Janet! (Dives after her)

Scene 31: The jeep of Kevin, Mack, and Brittany arrives at a hill, shaking from the inside. Mack gets out of it.

Mack: (into the van) You two go right on, I’ll set the antenna. (OS) Jodie, care to help an actor in need?

Ms. Li: (OS) What about Mr. Thompson and Miss Taylor? This is a complicated thing, he’ll-

Pause

Ms. Li: (OS) Miss Landon, help Mr. Mackenzie set up the equipment, for he’ll need intelligent help! Oh, and speaking of intelligence, Miss Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane – you’re on next!

Scene 32: A large spider is in the shot.

Daria: Okay, this is a bird-eating spider, one of the more poisonous ones… Jane, get the box. I’m putting into it now.

Jane: (OS) Daria, come on! You haven’t told the audience about its’ huge fangs or the thick syrupy venom… I’ll get the box now.

Daria: Thank you.

Andrea: (OS) Wusses. Stick your hand into the hole, at least!

Daria: Excuse me. (Walks OS)

Scene 33: Daria is dragging a struggling Andrea to the hole over the spider.

Daria: You stick your hand down there.

Andrea: No!

Jane: (OS) Oh yes. While Daria was restricting you, I had to ask… DeWitt-Clinton for help with the spider! Stick her hand there, Daria!

Andrea: Gah! No! Flees!

Daria/Jane/Ted (!): Come back here! (Chase her)

Ms. Li: (OS) Ms. DeFoe is everything read for the next scene?

Ms. DeFoe: (OS) Are you crazy? Both Janet and Timothy are getting serious help from Marge Manson even as we speak!

Ms. Li: (OS) WHAT?! I told her to keep away from my set! She’ll be hunting the croc, then!

Sounds of struggle off camera.

Scene 34: The agents’ camp. Kevin and Brittany are still doing it in the jeep; Mack and Jodie aren’t seen either.

Ms. Li: (wanders on screen) Mr. Mackenzie? Miss Landon? Where are you?

Kevin: (out of the jeep) They went for some quality time, Ms. Li!

Ms. Li: Forget it.

Scene 35: Daria and Jane in their truck. Suddenly, they stop.

Jane: Snake!

Daria: Step on it, Lane!

Jane: (Glaring) Daria, it’s under the truck vertically, not before it horizontally, remember the script?!

Daria: Are you saying that I’ll have to pull it out by the tail?

Jane: Aye, and hold it while I struggle to find the net!

Daria: Forget it! (Pulls out a shining apparatus)

Jane: Hey that’s my glue gun!

Daria ignores Jane gets out of the car. Several moments later, some sounds are heard.

Daria: (back in the truck) Go and find your net Jane, I don’t how long the glue will hold it!

Jane: (sobbing) My glue! (Runs off screen)

Daria: (to the snake) Now see what you made me do? (Goes and gets the net herself.)

Scene 36: The agents’ jeep arrives at Barch’s farm. The desolation brought-on by O’Neill is still clearly and painfully obvious, and both he and Barch are absent (still not recovered from gone awry scene 30).

Kevin: Now what?

Mack: Bugger me if I know.

Brittany: Let’s explore! (Runs off)

Scene 37: Office of DeMartino.

DM: (to CG) We’ve got problems with the satellite.

CG: Personal or hardware?

DM: Probably both. (Pause) I’m off to talk to the higher-uppers, to prevent getting a leak in the boat.

CG: That’s not part of the script.

DM: (Walking off screen) Whatever.

Scene 38: Daria and Jane are on the river in the motor boat.

Daria: (Reading the script) 12 to 40 feet long? Dominated this stretch of river for a while? Really grumpy? That’s it, I want out!

Jane: Don’t you worry, you’ll get out and hunting the croc in no time.

Daria: If something happens to me, Jane, I’ll be haunting you for years to come!

Jane: (the boat runs aground) That’s okay. Now go forth!

Daria doesn’t bulge.

Scene 39: Daria is on the ground, apparently kicked out of the boat by Jane.

Daria: I’ll get you Lane, I’ll really will. (Pats her pockets, brightening) But I still got the glue gun.

Jane: (in the boat) What?!! Come back here!

Daria runs off

Daria: Nyah-nyah can’t catch me!

Crocodile: Roar!

Daria: Eep! (Flees back to the boat; the crocodile chases it on the dry land)

Jane: What the-?

Daria jumps into the boat and the croc barrels into it, turning it upside down into the water together with itself. Soon, the water is boiling with activity (but there’s no blood at any rate) Suddenly, Daria and Jane emerge.

D+J: Yes! We’ve tied the croc! (Grasp the rope and pull. Unfortunately, it’s been wrapped around the boat’s motor, and the boat drives off, with the two girls overboard.) Whoa!

Scene 40: The boat is sailing down the river, with crocodile one side of it, and Daria and Jane on the other. Suddenly, the rope rips apart, and the boat speeds away into the horizon, leaving the girls one on one with the croc again – and it charges at them full steam!

J+D: Gah!!

As the croc approaches, it opens its’ jaws… and Daria begins to fire Jane’s glue gun into it. The hot and liquid glue hits the crocodile practically everywhere, including one of its’ eyes. Bellowing from pain, it swerves, and sends Daria and Jane with its’ tail clear out of the water. The two girls land on dry land looking about as dangerous as a pair of boiled flies – and the croc charges again. But before it can reach the two girls – the uncontrollable motor boat slams into it, carrying it down the river.

DM: (OS) Get it.

Sounds of many feet running off screen.

Scene 41: The fully powered motorboat is carrying the crocodile downriver. Many people are trying to catch up to them but it’s no good.

DM: Somebody, do something!

Ted: Watch this! He throws a stone from a slingshot, and it knocks the motor clear off the boat and down to the river’s bottom. The boat stops, but its’ momentum is transferred to the croc, and it goes "flying" down a small creek. It straightens itself and continues to swim forwards; even when he runs out of water, he’s still moving.

Daria: Yahh! (Bursts out of some bushes and whacks the croc solidly on the head. There’s a crack, and the croc goes completely slack.) Got him.

Jane: Where’s my glue gun?

Daria: You got any other ways to immobilise it?

Ted: Allow me!

Daria: Why are you here?

Ted: DeMartino wants me for ruining his boat – I’m safer with the croc! (Pulls out some fresh roping)

Jane: Whatever. (The trio starts to tie-up the croc, as the sounds of the boat-retrieving achievement are heard in the background.)

Scene 42: A car. A somewhat wet and bedraggled Miss Morris approaches, as a cell phone begins to ring.

Morris: What?

Brittany: Ah, shouldn’t I be calling you about getting that beacon-thingy from Mack and Kevvy?

Morris: You do that.

Brittany: Great! Bye!

Scene 43: The agents’ jeep. It stops at the river.

Mack: The beacon must be in the water!

Kevin: Yeah! The croc ate it, remember?

Mack: Kevin, we’re not supposed to know that!

Kevin: But it was in the script!

Mack: …Never mind!

Suddenly, the dogs of Ms. Barch arrive, causing the trio to run for their lives.

Kevin: (in a tree) Hey, I got the gun! (Begins to shoot at the dogs)

Ms. Barch appears.

Barch: Shoot at my dogs, will ya? I’ll show you! (Begins to fire at Kevin)

Kevin: Hey, I’m the QB! (Starts a gun battle with Barch)

Scene 44: Daria, Jane and Ted are walking down the shore.

Daria: So the crocodile will be waiting for us in the next scene?

Ted: Yup! No more trusting you two, the zookeeper said.

Jane: Great… What’s that sound? Sounds like real gunfire!

Ted: It is. It’s Kevin and Ms. Barch – fortunately, they’re firing blanks, so it’s safe.

A stampede of terrified dogs almost runs Ted into the ground.

Daria: (Flatly) Safe, eh?

Scene 45: Both Kevin and Barch are out of bullets, so it’s a truce.

Mack: Look, according to the script, Ms. Barch, you’re supposed to take Brittany to the ranch keeping us here with your dogs… where are they?

Barch: Run-off, like that no good husband of mine… Brittany, let’s go and leave those men with the croc!

Barch and Brittany leave.

Scene 46: The CIA headquarters.

CG: Do we have to "report" on Daria and Jane?

DM: You know what, let’s just skip it.

Scene 47: Daria and Jane drive off in their vehicle.

Scene 48: Kevin and Mack drive off in their.

Scene 49: While Ms. Barch is re-relaxing, Brittany flies-off in an impromptu glider.

Scene 50: Kevin and Mack chase after Daria and Jane.

Jane: This is the car fight scene – see, Kevin and Mack are picking-up speed.

Daria: Yeah that’s where the spider gets out. (Thrusts the open box onto Jane’s lap.)

Jane: Gah! (Slams the brake and jerks the steering wheel.)

The girls’ car goes off the road; the boys’ vehicle zooms off into wide blue beyond.

Jane: (briefly pausing in stomping) Well, that’s original.

Daria: Whatever. (Drives-off)

Scene 51: Brittany flies out of the barn on the glider; she manages it only poorly.

Scene 52: Kevin and Mack arrive at the spot where Daria and Jane had left their vehicle.

Kevin: Uh, Mack Daddy? I forgot my line.

Mack: Sign, Kevin, just help me set our boat afloat, and let’s hope that Brittany isn’t as hopeless as you are.

Kevin: Sure thing!

Scene 53: Daria and Jane in their motor boat.

Jane: This is entirely your fault, you know?

Daria: If you’re implying about the way the big croc was captured, well – excuse me. I told you before that there is no way that I’ll be mucking around with that reptilian.

Jane: Whatever… It would’ve been nice, though…

Scene 54: Kevin and Mack appear and begin to chase Daria and Jane. Gunshots are heard.

Daria: So their boat still works?

Jane: Your earlier manoeuvre had gotten their car, not their boat… and I guess Kevin had still some blanks left.

Daria: Where they came from anyways?

DM: (OS) Budget savings.

Daria: I should’ve known… where’s Brittany?

Scene 55: Brittany comes flying up the river in her glider; however, an expert aviator she is not, and so her vehicle goes into a nose dive, and smashes into Mack and Kevin’s boat. Both the boat and glider sink, and the three students begin to flail in the river’s water.

Jane: Shall we fish them out?

Daria: You want them to be on your conscience? (Pause) Shouldn’t Barch and O’Neill be here already?

DM: (OS) They can’t. They still haven’t recovered, or at least O’Neill hadn’t.

Daria: And where’s Ms. Li?

DM: Talking with the teacher’s union even as we speak.

Daria: Then who is running this show?

Ted: (OS) Me! I’m a licensed camera worker…

Daria: Never mind.

Scene 56: CIA HQ. Ms. Morris and others are sitting at a round table, when DeMartino comes in.

Morris: Well, DeMartino, what you can say in your defence?

DM: Everything was fine, until your agent decided to muck it up!

Morris: Don’t blame on me your incompetence! You sent Kevin Thompson!

DM: Oh, and like Taylor’s any better?

Ted: (OS) Next shot, now!

Daria: (OS) There is no next shot: thanks to our shared incompetence, we killed the ending dead. Sorry.

Ted: (OS) Oh. In that case…

The screen blacks-out and the credits run down it haphazardly.

The members of the "Filmmaking Club" are once again sitting in Lh’s cafeteria, looking sorely tired and depressed. A few members – like Ms. Li and Mr. O’Neill, Ms. Manson – are downright absent. Mr. DeMartino is presiding now.

Ted: So what do we do now? Where’s Ms. Li?

DM: I said before, dealing with the union.

Daria: Excuse me, but aren’t you the union’s representative in LH?

DM: This is beyond me…

Jane: Excuse me, but now what?

DM: In absence of our principal, I declare Lawndale High’s Filmmaking club disbanded.

Everybody: Hurray!

DM: Come on, let’s celebrate this!

The camera blacks-out, as everybody flees the cafeteria and finally reaches…

The end.