Cynic Wars: Episode IV A New State of Hopelessness by Matt Well, after "Fashion Menace" I've gotten several requests, demands, and death threats to write the sequels, so here! And whoever owns that tank that's been pointing at my house, get rid of it! Cast: Daria Skywalker: Daria Morgendorffer Trent Solo: Trent Lane Princess Quinn Morgana: Quinn Morgendorffer Darth Morgendorffer: Jake Morgendorffer Amy-Won Kenobi: Amy Barksdale Stacy-3PO: Stacy Rowe R-Ted-D-Ted: Ted Dewitt-Clinton ChewMacka: Michael Jordan Mackenzie Admiral Li: Angela Li General Landon: Jodie Landon Uncle Coyote: Coyote Yeager Aunt Willow: Willow Yeager (A blank screen is seen, suddenly words appear.) Not too long ago, in a galaxy in Matt's mind....................that's way, way out there (Words fade and are replaced with the title as "Star Wars" by John Williams plays) CYNIC WARS (Words scroll upwards, explaining the plot.) Episode IV: A NEW STATE OF HOPELESSNESS It is a time of turmoil in the galaxy. The evil galactic empire rules with an iron fist of tyranny. Seeking total domination, the empire has constructed the most fearsome space station ever..... HIGH SCHOOL. This massive prison of academia is large enough to enslave, er, educate an entire planet........... Seeing this fearsome station as an end to her freedom to shop, date, and party, Princess Quinn races home aboard her ship to deliver secret plans to the Rebel Alliance, a small group of teenage misfits struggling for freedom in the galaxy........ or at least for later curfews............ (Words fade as a shot of deep space is seen. A small craft enters, being pasted with laserfire, after it passes, we see it being pursued by a much larger vessel. The two ships exchange fire, but the smaller ship is clearly outgunned. Cut to a shot of inside the ship R-Ted and Stacy-3PO walk down one of the halls and nearly stumble over in a violent impact) STACY-3PO: Eep! (brushes her ponytails) I knew I should have stayed on Courosant......this whole spacebattle stuff is ruining my hair! (R-Ted beeps and hums) STACY-3PO: Because Princess Quinn asked me to come. And she's so cute and popular, not just any droid gets that kind of privilege. (R-Ted beeps some more. Stacy-3PO adopts an angry tone) STACY-3PO: I am NOT her slave droid.............I'm her, uh..........assistant! Yeah, that's it. (Cut to a shot of outside the larger ship's docking bay. It is pulling Quinn's ship in via tractor beam. Quinn's crew is addressing her as imperial storm troopers are breaking through her door.) QUINN: Um, guys could you do a teensy favor? (An enthusiastic "Yeah" comes up from the guys) QUINN: Could you like, stall those Imperial guys for awhile while I try to escape? (Three guards step up, who look like Joey, Jeffy, and Jamie) JOEY: Um, your highness, won't we get killed? JEFFY: Or captured? JAMIE: Or tortured? QUINN: (getting angry) Look, do you guys want to take me to Chez Pierre or not? (The three J's ready their laser weapons and stand outside the door) QUINN: Thanks................(runs out the back door and spots Stacy-3PO and R-Ted) Oh, hi guys. (withdraws a disk from her robe and inserts it into R-Ted) Oh, Stacy, could you get me a soda? STACY-3PO: (nods anxiously) Sure, Quinn! QUINN: *Princess* Quinn to you.......... (Stacy-3PO exits as Quinn begins recording a message) (Cut to a shot of the doorway. Imperial troops blast their way through and after a short fight with Quinn's guards, make their way to her room) QUINN: Help me, Amy-Won Kenobi................I'm really desperate............I HAVE to be if I'm asking a "brain" for help............(spots the stormtroopers) Agh! Get lost, droid.........(readies a laser pistol) (Cut to a shot of the escape pods. R-Ted is boarding one of them and is spotted by Stacy-3PO, carrying a diet soda) STACY-3PO: R-Ted, what are you doing? (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: No it isn't. My mission is to bring this soda to Princess Quinn. (R-Ted beeps some more) STACY-3PO: Captured? Secret plans? Alliance survival depends on it? R-Ted, have you got gum stuck in your chips again? (spots Quinn) STACY-3PO: Oh, hi, princess Quinn. Here's your soda! QUINN: (annoyed by Stacy) Um thanks, Stacy can you do me a favor? STACY-3PO: Anything for you, Quinn! QUINN: (thinking) Um.........go with R-Ted, you know he can't make it on his own, look after him for me. And you know you're the only one I can trust with such an *important* mission............ STACY-3PO: Sure! Will you be OK without me? QUINN: (feigning sadness) Oh, it will be tough, but I'll manage.......... (Stacy-3PO nods and boards the escape pod. After it launches Quinn turns to see a group of stormtroopers) TROOPER: There she is! Set for stun! QUINN: Eww! Do you know what all the static electricity will do to my hair?! I surrender. (Quinn throws down her blaster and walks off with the stormtroopers. She is lead to the main hatch where the ominous, evil, and very resentful Darth Morgendorffer is waiting. He speaks in a mechanized version of Jake's normal voice, complete with cheesy mechanical breathing) QUINN: Ahh, Darth Morgendorffer, um.........I didn't MEAN to keep the empress' ship out so late, but if you had only seen his deep blue eyes, his........... JAKE: So it was YOU who kept that ship out so.............wait a minute! That's not why I'm here! Why am I here......let's see I got up this morning and went to check up on the Imperial High School, and they said they could finish without the plans..........That's it! What have you done with the plans?! QUINN: Plan? Me?! That's what "brains" do...........I was like, on my way back to Alderan. They just opened a new Cashman's there, and I wanted to.......... JAKE: You wanted to give the plans to the Rebel Alliance, that's what! Take her away! TROOPER: My lord, one escape pod was jettisoned. there were two droids aboard. JAKE: Hmm.........they must have the plans. They aren't here. Princess Quinn is too clever to leave them lying around........send a team down there to get them. (Jake walks off, not noticing the disk that contained the plans Quinn copied into R-Ted lying on the floor.) (Cut to a shot of the surface of Tatooine, where R-Ted and Stacy-3PO emerge from their escape pod. R-Ted starts beeping.) STACY-3PO: What do you mean Quinn was trying to get rid of me?! You heard what she said, you can't look after yourself. (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: Suck-up? what's a suck-up? (The droids' conversation is interrupted by a flash of electricity. The droids are stunned and fall over, limp.) (Cut to a shot of inside a vast sandcrawler. Stacy-3PO is awakened by the shock of a restraining bolt being put on her breastplate) STACY-3PO: Hey! You can't put that there! (She looks around and notices a bunch of computer nerds snickering and laughing a la Louis Skolnick of "Revenge of the nerds". The one who put the bolt on her is Artie from "Esteemsters") ARTIE: Hey guys, should I put a bolt on the other breast? (More nerd laughs are heard) STACY-3PO: (To R-Ted) These guys REALLY need a date............ ARTIE: Nah, it might fry your CPU to have two bolts on you, and you have to be in prime condition when we sell you. STACY-3PO: Sell me?! (starts hyperventilating) ARTIE: And your friend too. Oh, we're here. (The Sandcrawler stops at an isolated farm. All the geeks exit and force Stacy-3PO and R-Ted outside along with all the other droids they've collected. Artie is talking with a hippie man who is evaluating the droids. After a moment, he decides to consult his adopted niece) COYOTE: Daria! Daria, will you come here?! (Daria Skywalker enters wearing the same outfit Luke Skywalker did in "Star Wars" except for the glasses and footwear, she still sports the patented Doc martens) DARIA: (deadpan) Yes, Uncle Coyote? COYOTE: What language did your aunt need a droid to know? DARIA: I think "gibberish". But it might have been "Balderdash" (smirks) COYOTE: Well, I think we'll take the gold one. She's a protocol droid. STACY-3PO: Wait a minute, you can't buy me! I belong to.............(spots the nerds looking lustfully at her) um, sure, yeah, I can speak any language you need! (laughs a little nervously) DARIA: Well, I hope you can speak "hippie", maybe then you can tell me what my aunt and uncle have been saying all my life........ COYOTE: Daria! I'm getting those "bad vibes" from you again......... DARIA: (To Stacy-3PO) See what I mean...........do you know what the hell he's talking about? (Stacy-3PO shrugs) DARIA: Well, I guess not even protocol droids know all languages. (withdraws a piece of gum and puts it in her mouth. R-Ted begins beeping furiously) What's his problem? STACY-3PO: He keeps repeating............"She's got gum! She's got gum!" He's been like that since I've known him. DARIA: I'm not sure gum is good for a droid, but what the heck.............(She inserts some gum into R-Ted's disk drive. After a moment, he begins spinning and beeping like mad) STACY-3PO: He said something about an "orgasmic reaction". What's that? ARTIE: (seeing R-Ted's antics) He's broken (To Daria) you break it, you bought it! DARIA: Well, you'd have to talk to my legal guardian. I'm a minor. (smirks) WILLOW: Daria.............(pays for the two droids) Get these droids inside and clean them up, then I can decide how long to ground you for....... DARIA: You mean I won't get to play out in the dune sea for a few weeks? (deadpan) Please, Uncle, have mercy............... (Cut to a shot of inside Daria's room. She is cleaning the used gum out of R-Ted while Stacy-3PO talks with her) DARIA: How did this gum get wet? Droids don't have spit.......... STACY-3PO: Sorry if he got you in trouble, ma'am. DARIA: It's Daria. STACY-3PO: OK, Daria ma'am. DARIA: Just Daria.............and if you call me "Just Daria" I'll deactivate you. STACY-3PO: Eep! DARIA: And besides, he didn't get me in that much trouble. There's nothing to do on this farm anyway..........my Uncle can ground me until hell freezes over, it wouldn't matter. (Peels the last of the gum out of R-Ted, just as she does, Quinn's holographic image appears.) QUINN: Help me, Amy-Won Kenobi...........Help me, Amy-Won Kenobi....... (Repeats over and over) DARIA: Who's she? She's pretty.............in a shallow, superficial kinda way. STACY-3PO: That's Princess Quinn Morgana! You've never heard of her?! DARIA: Um, no. We don't get much royalty out here on the farm. (R-Ted beeps) DARIA: What did he say? STACY-3PO: He says he has to play this message for his owner, Amy-Won Kenobi, a resident of these parts. DARIA: Hmm, I don't know any Kenobis around here, but old Amy lives out in the dune sea. she's kind of a hermit. WILLOW: (From the kitchen) Daria! Dinner. DARIA: Well, time for some vital sustenance, see you two later. (Cut to a shot of the kitchen. Daria enters and regards her food.) DARIA: Kneaded bread and Berry juice............what a surprise. COYOTE: Your aunt worked hard to prepare this, Daria............ DARIA: Look, couldn't we eat something different? Maybe microwave lasagna? WILLOW: No! Meat is murder! COYOTE: So much like her father.............. DARIA: How am I supposed to know that? I never even knew him. COYOTE: That's because he was killed when he went of with his warmonger buddies he called "Cynic knights" to fight in some meaningless war............. DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah, liberating all slaves in the galaxy had no meaning at all..........I'm going to bed............(she leaves) WILLOW: We can't keep her here forever, Coyote. She's got too much of her father in her..... COYOTE: That's what I'm afraid of............ (The next morning, R-Ted is heading off into the dune sea. Daria and Stacy-3PO spot him and stop him.) DARIA: Where do you think you're going? (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: What is it about this Amy-Won Kenobi person? DARIA: I suppose I could take him to see old Amy. If it's not her, maybe she knows where to find this person. STACY-3PO: Won't you get in trouble? DARIA: Does it matter? There's nothing else to do around here anyway........ (Cut to a shot of the dune sea. Daria and the droids are heading out to Amy-Won's place in a speeder.) DARIA: I think she lives in one of these caves. I'll look over there. You two check in there. (Daria walks off alone, she gets to the entrance of a cave and is struck from behind by a Tusken Raider. She is being dragged off when a hooded figure wearing a mask approaches) FIGURE: I am Lorena Bobbit! Are you gonna let her go? Or do I have to "cut" your losses? (The Raider runs away in sheer terror. The woman removes the Lorena Bobbit mask and reveals herself as Amy-Won Kenobi. She's in her late forties. She looks the same as she did in "I don't" and "Through the lens darkly" Except for a streak of grey in her otherwise auburn hair. The droids approach.) STACY-3PO: What happened?! AMY-WON: She just got a bump on the head, that's all. (Regards the droids) You two look familiar somehow........can't quite remember from where, though......... (Daria regains concienceness) DARIA: Amy?! I'm glad to see you........ AMY-WON: That's the nicest thing anyone said to me since............... DARIA: Anyway, this droid says he's looking for an "Amy-Won Kenobi" AMY-WON: ..........since I went by Amy-Won. (chuckles a little) Let's go in. Tusken Raiders are only fooled by the Lorena Bobbit mask so many times.............. (Cut to a shot of inside Amy-Won's home) AMY-WON: Tell me, young Daria, what brings you out this far? DARIA: Well, Old Daria was getting on my nerves, and this droid said he had a message for you, so I thought, why not? AMY-WON: Message? It better not be more junk mail. I became a hermit because of stuff like that. that and that whole war thing.............. DARIA: You were in the liberation war? AMY-WON: Yeah, I was a Cynic Knight, the same as your father. DARIA: All I know of my father is what my hippie foster parents told me. AMY-WON: So they would really be bothered if I told you about him, huh? DARIA: Yeah, so please tell me! AMY-WON: He was my apprentice. The Sarcasm was unusually strong with him............. DARIA: The sarcasm? AMY-WON: The sarcasm is what gives a Cynic their power. Without it, we may all lose touch with reality. The sarcasm was used by all Cynic Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the old Republic............before Palpatine took over and declared herself Empress. DARIA: (Actually looking a little sad) How did my father die? AMY-WON: The empress sent her Sellout apprentice, Darth Morgendorffer, to destroy all the Cynic Knights. Now they're almost extinct. In fact only 2 remain in the whole galaxy. DARIA: Sellout? AMY-WON: A Sellout is one who was seduced by the "conformist side" of the Sarcasm. They use their power for popularity and recognition. In essence, selling out. That's why they're called Sellouts. DARIA: So, Morgendorffer killed my father? AMY-WON: (looking nervous) Um, if that's what you wanna think, yes. (Just then, R-Ted plays Quinn's message) QUINN: Cynic Knight Kenobi, yeas ago you fought with my father in the Liberation wars, but now he wants your help against the Empire, or something. AMY-WON: Somehow, I doubt her father is working against the empire.......... DARIA: What? AMY-WON: Nothing QUINN: So I was talking with this "really" cute guy and he told me about this disk with the plans for the Empire's new galactic high School, so I "borrowed" them and put them in this droid. Take him to my father on Alderan. Help me, Amy-Won Kenobi................I'm really desperate............I HAVE to be if I'm asking a "brain" for help............ (The image fades) AMY-WON: Boy, she sure knows how to make a person feel wanted............ DARIA: You fought with her father as well as mine? AMY-WON: Sort of.............Jake Skywalker was her father, too. DARIA: You mean she's.............. AMY-WON: Yes, Daria, you have a sister............(looks at the camera) Bet you didn't expect that one until episode VI...........(looks back at Daria) YOU must learn the ways of the Sarcasm, if you're to come with me to Alderan..........Anyway, I have something for you.........(She retrieves something from a trunk and hands it to Daria.) DARIA: What is this? AMY-WON: Your Father's lightsabre. The weapon of a Cynic Knight. Not as clumsy or random as a laser......... DARIA: But isn't a blaster a better weapon? AMY-WON: I suppose, but Cynic Knights pride themselves on being different. Lasers are too trendy for us........... DARIA: So how did I get stuck on the farm, while my sister gets to live a royal life of luxury?! AMY-WON: Just lucky, I guess. DARIA: So what about my mother? AMY-WON: You mother met an unfortunate accident. She threatened to sue the Empress' guards with a long, tedious lawsuit when the war began............they responded by blasting her.......... DARIA: Anyway, I can't go to Alderan, I have to..............um.............. AMY-WON: Go back to your hippie foster parents and live a dull, boring life? DARIA: Exactly, excuse me. I'll give you a ride to Mos Eisley if you want. AMY-WON: All right. (Cut to a shot of the sandcrawler. It's been under severe attack, and the bodies of Nerds are strewn about. Daria's speeder stops as they check it out.) DARIA: What the hell happened here? STACY-3PO: Serves them right for this! (points at the bolt on her breast, which makes the bolt look like an enlarged nipple) Can you get this off of me? AMY-WON: It does look hideous without another one to match. (She removes the bolt) DARIA: Who could have done this? Who would want to slaughter a bunch of nerds? AMY-WON: Who wouldn't? We've all wanted to, but anyone who would actually do it needs a reason. (They look at the droids) AMY-WON: Hmm. they contain top secret plans for an Imperial space station............. DARIA: And they were here after they escaped Quinn's ship.............. AMY-WON: Looks like Imperial Stormtroopers, that means they would have tracked them...... DARIA: ...........home. AMY-WON: Wait, Daria! It's too dangerous! DARIA: They may be a couple of annoying hippies, but I've got to warn them. (Daria speeds home and is mortified by what she finds. The bodies of Willow and Coyote are seen wrapped in fur coats with raw, red meat sticking out of their mouths. Daria turns away and returns to the Sandcrawler.) AMY-WON: There's nothing you could have done, Daria. You would have been killed, too. DARIA: Yeah, but at least I would have gotten a meat course in my last meal......... AMY-WON: Fur and meat? What an ironic way for a hippie to go................ DARIA: Well, I might as well go with you to Alderan. AMY-WON: It would help, you being the title character and all........... (Cut to a shot of Mos Eisley spaceport. Daria and company ride in on Daria's speeder. They are stopped at the entrance by a few stormtroopers) TROOPER: Let me see your ID. AMY-WON: You don't need to see my ID............I'm over 21, and she's my designated driver. TROOPER: Um............what about these droids? AMY-WON: Oh, them. We're about to smuggle them off the planet because they hold top secret information about an Imperial base. (starts chuckling) TROOPER: Yeah, right. Move along.............. DARIA: How did we get past them?! AMY-WON: The Sarcasm has a way of confusing the dim-witted........ DARIA: You'll have to teach me that sometime. AMY-WON (Regards a bar) "McGrundy's Pub" As good a place as any to find a pilot. (The four of them enter. Stacy-3PO is immediately noticeable. She is met with hoots, hollers, and whistles.) DARIA: Maybe you should wait outside.........unless you could charm a pilot into taking us to Alderan............ (Stacy-3PO walks outside followed by R-Ted) AMY-WON: I'm gonna look for a pilot. Wait here, but be careful. This place can be rough. (Amy-Won walks off as Daria steps up to the bar.) DARIA: Can I have a tea, please? (A drunken bar patron, played by none other then Tommy Sherman starts hitting on Daria) TOMMY: A tea?! Baby, you need something stronger..........how about I buy you a real drink........ DARIA: Um, no thanks............I already had enough today. TOMMY: Why don't you relax, and take those glasses off. DARIA: I can't. I need them to see sexual predators............ (Amy-Won returns with ChewMacka) AMY-WON: Hey, now. This girl is under 18, don't need any trouble with law, now do you? TOMMY: You're right. I need a real woman. (He reaches to grab Amy-Won's ass. Amy-Won quickly severs his hand with a swing of her lightsabre. Tommy screams and runs away.) AMY-WON: You should really keep your hands to yourself...............(She picks up the hand and throws it in Tommy's direction) Here's yours! (Turns to Daria) ChewMacka here is first mate on a ship that might suit us............ (They walk to a table where we see a man slumped over it, asleep.) CHEWIE: Rooooowwwww! (Nothing happens) CHEWIE: ROWWW ROWWWW! (The man is still asleep) CHEWIE: Aww, to hell with it. Trent, wake up! (Trent shakes awake) TRENT: Huh? Oh hey. I'm Trent Solo. Captain of the Millenium Tank. DARIA: Tank? TRENT: Yeah.............it's indestructible. I see you met Chewie already. AMY-WON: I'm Amy-Won Kenobi. (Daria starts to introduce herself but can't seem to find the words. She's been staring at Trent the whole time and is blushing) AMY-WON: And my suddenly mute apprentice here, is Daria Skywalker. (Daria glares at her) TRENT: (smirks) Hey, Daria. DARIA: Um,............hey. AMY-WON: All we want is passage for us and two droids to Alderan. TRENT: No problem. We can leave in a little while. DARIA: Why can't we leave right now? TRENT: Because I ordered a burger...................can't leave until I eat. AMY-WON: How much is this gonna run us? TRENT: Not much...............only seventeen thousand. DARIA: Seventeen thousand?! TRENT: The Tank EATS gas............ DARIA: Oh. (Cut to a shot of the Imperial High School. Darth Morgendorffer and Admiral Li are talking) LI: Has she talked yet? JAKE: She is quite resistant to our mind probing techniques................ (Cut to a shot of Quinn's detention hall. She looks terrified. Andrea stands before her.........) ANDREA: Where's the Rebel base?! TALK! QUINN: I forgot, seriously! ANDREA: All right you asked for it...............(Andrea begins reading from a physics book) Einstein came up with E=mc2 as his theory of relativity............ QUINN: STOP! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE GOD! STOP! (Cut back to Li and Morgendorffer) LI: I want the location of those rebellious misfits! They are a threat to the honor of this great Imeeeeeeeeeerial High School. (Cut back to the Mos Eisley spaceport. Daria is regarding the Millenium Tank) DARIA: What a heap.......... TRENT: (seems unoffended) It's got hyper drive.............and a CD player. DARIA: (deadpan) Oh, well then, I'm rarin' to go............... (Just then Stormtroopers begin shooting at our heroes.) AMY-WON: How the hell did they know we were here? (R-Ted beeps accusingly) STACY-3PO: Well, there was this really cute guy who asked me a bunch of questions.......how was I supposed to know he worked for the Empire? DARIA: So are we gonna leave before or after we get vaporized? (The heroes board as Trent guns the Tank as it soars.............well not exactly, but it does go. They don't get very far before encountering some resistance.) DARIA: What's that? CHEWIE: Star destroyers. (They all look at him, stunned) CHEWIE: Oops, I mean, Rooooooooooow! TRENT: Don't worry, we'll lose 'em, once I get this baby into hyper drive. (Trent throws a few switches...............nothing happens) AMY-WON: Wow, it didn't work, who saw that coming? (Trent sits back, smug) TRENT: Just give it a chance to warm up............ (Tractor beams shoot out from the Star Destroyers. Just before they reach the Millenium tank, it streaks away into hyperspace) TRENT: See? DARIA: (deadpan) Oh, yeah, I forgot. all escapes have to be by the skin of our teeth............... AMY-WON: You learn fast, my young smartass. TRENT: Well, we've got a few hours until we get to Alderan. Anyone wanna hear some tunes? DARIA: (blushing) Um..................sure. AMY-WON: As much as I'd like to let you relax and flirt with our pilot, it's time you began your training. TRENT: Training? AMY-WON: (sighs.) Look, I don't feel like explaining this anymore. Read the script. TRENT: (shrugs) Cool.............. (Cut to a shot of the Imperial High School. Quinn is lead to Admiral Li by Darth Morgendorffer) LI: Well, Princess. I admire your sense of loyalty to your fellow delinquents, but time grows short. Now tell me the location of the Rebel base! QUINN: Eww! You want me to be a nark?! My friends will never speak to me again! LI: If you don't tell me, I'll just have to compose our first freshman class of the people of your home world of Alderan.......... QUINN: AHHHHHH.............you can't! We're all attractive and popular on Alderan........we can't handle SCHOOL! LI: Then tell me where your rebel friends are! (Quinn thinks for a moment. she has honestly forgotten where the rebel base is............) QUINN: (thought VO) I don't know where it is..............but I can't let her do this to Alderan...........Hmm, I have to tell her something............I know! I'll tell her they're on that planet they sent my geeky sister to............(out loud) Tatooine............That's where they are........ LI: Very good. And now to test this school's power.......... QUINN: WHAT?! You can't! LI: For your insubordination, the people of Alderan are to serve detention until further notice! Take her away! (Quinn is lead away. Cut to a shot of Alderan. The Imperial High School settles into orbit. Suddenly music, laughing , and all sorts of partying sounds begin coming from it. Tragically, the poor suckers, er, citizens of Alderan begin boarding............soon the planet is deserted as all it's people are rounded up in the detention halls.) LI: Success! They're all my prisoners..........er students! (Cut to a shot of the Millenium Tank. Amy-Won is instructing Daria, R-Ted is playing chess with ChewMacka, and Stacy-3PO is flirting with him. Suddenly Amy-Won falls over, overwhelmed) AMY-WON: Ooooooooooh...........(slumps in a chair) DARIA: What's wrong? Do you sense a disturbance in the Sarcasm? AMY-WON: No, I got a killer migraine..........hand me that aspirin, will you? (Daria hands her a bottle of aspirin) CHEWIE: Hmm, I could move the bishop here..........no, I know, I'll use the rook..........check! (R-Ted responds by using his knight to capture Chewie's queen) CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOOWR!!!!!!!!! (R-Ted runs away, terrified) DARIA: You didn't have to do that........... CHEWIE: I know, but it's a cool trick......... (Trent enters) TRENT: Hey. Still undefeated, Chewie? CHEWIE: Yeah, but do you have to call me that? I sound like a cookie. TRENT: How about I call you "Mack daddy"? CHEWIE: I'll stick with Chewie.......... TRENT: Hey, Daria.............how's the training going? DARIA: (blushing) Um...............uh, fine. AMY-WON: (deadpan) Yeah, with that kind of composure, she'll be a Cynic Knight in no time...........(Daria glares at her again) TRENT: Anyway, we'll be at Alderan in a few minutes. (he leaves) AMY-WON: (smirking) What is it about voyages on ships that make teenage girls so mushy? DARIA: (glaring) Knock it off. (glare fades, replaced by a small smile) He's pretty cool....... AMY-WON: I suppose. He's not my type, though. DARIA: What is your type? AMY-WON: The type that stays awake, for one thing. And his name...........Trent Solo? What's his middle name? Guitar? DARIA: Well, he did say something about a band............... AMY-WON: Anyway, get on with your exercises. See that pretty, popular droid? (points at Stacy-3PO) DARIA: Yeah. AMY-WON: Make sarcastic jokes at her expense............ DARIA: (smirking) Yes, master......... (Cut to a shot of Alderan. The Millenium Tank sputters, literally, out of hyperspace. Chewie regards his readings) CHEWIE: Hmm, that's weird............the planet's deserted. What do you suppose happened to the people, Trent? ............Trent? (Trent is asleep at the wheel) CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOOOWR! TRENT: Huh? What? I only had one beer, officer! Oh, what is it, Chewie..........? CHEWIE: Look. (points at the readings as Amy-Won and Daria enter the bridge) TRENT: Hmm..........nobody's home. Where'd they all go? AMY-WON: Taken..............by the Empire! TRENT: Why? AMY-WON: How should I know? Why does everyone ask me these questions anyway? DARIA: (smirking) because you're old.......... AMY-WON: You're mastering the Sarcasm pretty quickly, but we better find out where those people went. STACY-3PO: Do you hear something? (They listen to the same partying sounds that lured the people of Alderan to the High School) STACY-3PO: Party! Let's go! (She hits the accelerator) AMY-WON: Noooooooooooooooo! (Trent tries to turn the Tank around, but it's already caught in a tractor beam.) TRENT: Me? At a High School party? no way! (He throws the tank into reverse, but it's no use. The Millenium Tank is pulled into a parking lot inside one of the hangar bays) DARIA: Great, now what? TRENT: They're not getting me without a..............(he falls asleep) AMY-WON: I think what our narcoleptic friend is trying to say is that we should put up a fight. (Daria readies her lightsabre, but Amy-Won stops her) AMY-WON: My master taught me "The Sarcasm is good for than fighting". So, Crunchy..... CHEWIE: That's "Chewie" AMY-WON: Right, stand over there and be ready. Daria, follow my lead. (A group of storm troopers breaks into the Tank. They don't seen anyone but Daria and Amy-Won. Amy-Won smiles at them seductively and nudges Daria.) AMY-WON: (under her breath) Smile like you want them........you're a girl, you must have SOME feminine wiles......... DARIA: (deadpan, to the Stormtroopers) Hey, big boys. Which one of you wants to, uh.........get jiggy wit' it? (The Stormtroopers look confused, then knocked out............as Chewie knocks them out from behind with his huge fists. Trent takes care of the rest by wailing on them with a guitar.) TRENT: Aww, man..........that was my best guitar.........that's OK, I'll buy a new one with that Seventeen Thousand you owe me. AMY-WON: Um, yeah............maybe we should talk about your fee later........... DARIA: Yeah, like maybe sometime after we escape............ AMY-WON: First we have to get out of this smelly ship........ TRENT: Hey, man..........I use dial......... CHEWIE: So how do we get past those guards? DARIA: (deadpan) We could steal these stormtrooper uniforms and dress up like them...... TRENT: Whoa, great idea, Daria. DARIA: It is? AMY-WON: (smirking) You feel the Sarcasm, young smartass..........but you cannot yet control it....... (Cut to a shot of the hangar bay. Trent, Daria, and Amy-Won emerge from the Millenium tank in stormtrooper uniforms. Chewie and the droids follow behind as prisoners. They reach a security station and remove their uniforms.) DARIA: Great, now all we have to do is wait around to be captured........... AMY-WON: We have to deactivate the tractor beam so we can escape. STACY-3PO: Who's gonna do that? (R-Ted beeps some) STACY-3PO: Will you forget about "gum" for 2 seconds? We're in a lot of trouble! AMY-WON: Gum? NOW I remember where I know you two............and why I became a hermit in the first place. In that case, I'll go alone. DARIA: Wait a minute.........I'm coming with you. AMY-WON: No, you stay with (In a lovey-dovey voice) Trent......... DARIA: Knock it off. Besides, I'm the title character, remember? AMY-WON: True, but you need to stay behind in case an outrageous subplot, say, oh, a bold march into the detention hall to rescue a wayward Princess develops............ DARIA: Well, that does sound more exciting than looking for a tractor beam............. (Amy-Won leaves. Daria looks kind of bummed) TRENT: What's wrong, Daria? DARIA: I dunno. Just bored. I wish some exciting subplot would develop............. (R-Ted starts beeping furiously) DARIA: You took my last piece of gum, R-Ted........... STACY-3PO: No, it's not about gum this time. He says he's found Princess Quinn, and that's she's on this station. DARIA: Me and my big mouth............ (Cut to a shot of Darth Morgendorffer and Admiral Li are with Quinn in the control room) LI: You lied to us! QUINN: Huh? LI: The Rebels weren't on Tatooine! QUINN: Oh, that! Well, when I said they were on Tatooine, I MEANT...... LI: Don't waste your time...........you're hereby suspended from school! QUINN: So I can go? That doesn't sound so bad.......... LI: Well, when we suspend a student..........we jettison them from the station.........into outer space........ QUINN: AHHHHHHHH! LI: Take her away! (The guards take Quinn back to her cell.) JAKE: She's here..............my old master............ LI: Amy-Won Kenobi? How do you know? JAKE: I felt a disturbance in the Sarcasm........then I saw her on the surveillance camera. (He points to one of the monitors. Amy-Won is seen sneaking across the camera's view.) LI: She must not be allowed to escape! JAKE: Why not? LI: We can't have a Cynic Knight wandering these halls! They might fill the student's heads with outrageous ideas like they don't need a prison of a High School to educate them and that they can think for themselves! JAKE: I must face her.............alone. LI: Why? I'll inform security. JAKE: But I WANT to face her alone..............She was always saying "That's not sarcastic enough, Jake" and "You have to be more cynical, Jake" DAMMIT! I'm plenty Cynical! I'll show her........... (He stalks off after Amy-Won) LI: I really wish the Empress would make him get some therapy.............. (Cut back to the security room where Stacy-3PO has just finished telling the others where Princess Quinn is being held) DARIA: I was just kidding about wanting to march into the detention hall and rescue a Princess........... CHEWIE: Then why did you say it? DARIA: Hmm, guess I still have a lot to learn about the Sarcasm..........well, we might as well rescue her, she being my sister and all.......... CHEWIE: You're sisters with a Princess? DARIA: I was just as suprised as you were.......... (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: EEP! They're gonna suspend the Princess.......and launch her into space! DARIA: (deadpan) With or without her wardrobe? (sighs) Well, I guess we have to rescue her now. It's the right thing to do, or something. Right, Trent? .............Trent? CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOOOOWR! TRENT: (wakes up) Really, officer! I've got a prescription for it! Oh, hey, Daria............ DARIA: Um..........uh (she turns red again) TRENT: Where'd that other chick go? DARIA: Um, uh............ CHEWIE: What she's TRYING to say is, she went to shut down the tractor beam. And that we're gonna rescue her Princess sister......... TRENT: Whoa..........so how do we do that? (Daria picks up a pair of handcuffs and goes to put them on Chewie) DARIA: (smirking) I usually don't use these on a first date.......... CHEWIE: What are you doing? DARIA: You're gonna be our prisoner, we can play that angle to get into the detention hall. CHEWIE: Wait a minute! Just because I'm a furry 8-foot wookie that howls, doesn't mean.................oh, hell, why not? (hold his arms out) TRENT: The droids can hang out here.......... STACY-3PO: I don't wanna stay here! DARIA: OK, you come with us and get mixed up in the laser fights, chases, and danger........ STACY-3PO: R-Ted and I will stay here.......... (Cut to a shot of an elevator opening in the detention hall. Daria and Trent, dressed as Stormtroopers step out, leading Chewie) TROOPER: Where are you taking this................student? CHEWIE: They're taking me to...........(Daria elbows him in the gut) oof!, I mean, ROOOOOOOOOOWR! DARIA: He, uh, showed up to class without shaving............so he gets a week of detention. TROOPER: Uh huh. (regards Trent) Who sent you? (No response) TROOPER: I'm talking to you! TRENT: (wakes up, startled) I hope your plan to sneak into the detention center works, Daria......... DARIA: (deadpan) Yeah, I'm sure now it'll be an overwhelming success........... TROOPER: Destroy them! (Laserfire is exchanged between the two sides. The real stormtroopers can't seem to hit anything.............even at close range. soon they are all dead.) DARIA: How did they miss? Don't these guys have to go through some training or something?! Uncle Coyote and Aunt Willow are better with a gun than these guys........ TRENT: Uh oh.............(points at the elevator) more of em will be here. (Daria rushes down the hall. She looks in all the windows and finally finds Quinn's cell, she enters. Quinn looks up and is mortified.) QUINN: Don't blast me into space! I'll go out with you! I'll let you take me to a Steven Segal movie..............ALL RIGHT! I'll even make out with you after............ (Daria removes her helmet, smirking) DARIA: Why Quinn, I didn't know you liked girls............. QUINN: Daria?! What are you doing here? DARIA: You know who I am? I didn't even know you existed until yesterday.......... QUINN: I've been keeping tabs on you..........making sure you stayed on that farm......... DARIA: You WHAT?! You made sure I stayed with those............hippies?! QUINN: I'm sorry if it seemed cruel, Daria. But when I saw that were turning into such a "brain", I couldn't let you join me..........I have a reputation to uphold........ DARIA: Well, you're certainly stuck-up enough to be a Princess.............. QUINN: Thanks! DARIA: Anyway, I've got your droids and Amy-Won Kenobi with me, so let's get out of here......... QUINN: Wait. I can't leave without my smiley face pillow.............(she picks up her pillow.) (They step out into the hall where they run into Chewie and Trent fighting off more stormtroopers) DARIA: How do we get out of here? TRENT: Don't ask me, I just play guitar.......... QUINN: Jeez! I thought planning a rescue would be one of the few things "brains" were good for........ DARIA: We could always surrender and let them throw you into space.......... (They exchange more fire with the stormtroopers) QUINN: Is this going to take long? I have a date with a "really" cute guy on Yavin............(face brightens) Yavin! That's where the Rebel Base is! DARIA: Why don't you yell it a little louder? I don't think all those Imperial troopers heard you.............I have an idea..........Let's just walk out the way we came. TRENT: Huh? Those guys will shoot us! DARIA: I'm sure they'll try, but they can't his the broad side of a barn......... (Daria steps into the middle of the hall, the stormtroopers try repeatedly to shoot her, but keep missing) DARIA: Come on, follow me.......... (The heroes walk single file right through the troopers, who shoot each other in an attempt to kill them.........Once they reach the elevator, they look back) TRENT: Whoa, that's a lot better then going down the garbage chute................ QUINN: Tell me about it. (looks up at Chewie) Eww! Get that thing away from me before he starts shedding.......... DARIA: Now I know why Amy-Won wanted to go off on her own........... (Cut to a shot of the Tractor Beam controls. Amy-Won sneaks inside and spots the guards) AMY-WON: (thought VO) How do I get past them? (Admiral Li's voice then booms over a loudspeaker) LI: All troops report to the detention level, security breach in the detention level! (The guards leave, leaving the tractor beam unprotected.) AMY-WON: (smirks) Looks like that smartass apprentice of mine found a subplot...........(she deactivates the tractor beam and leaves, heading for the hangar bay.) (Meanwhile, the others are running from the guards) TRENT: I think we should split up.......... DARIA: I thought this was a "Star Wars" spoof, why does this feel like an episode of "Scooby Doo"? TRENT: (laughing, then coughing) Good one, Daria..........Anyway, Me and Chewie will go this way..............Daria, you and your sister go that way........ QUINN: Excuse me, I have a name............. DARIA: Why do I have go with her, anyway? CHEWIE: Because neither of us can stand her. TRENT: Yeah, meet us at the Tank............. (Chewie and Trent run off and leave Daria and Quinn) QUINN: The "Tank"? DARIA: Don't ask............(a laser blast strikes the wall behind her) Looks like that's our exit cue.........(They run down the hall, stormtroopers pursuing) (Cut to a shot of the hangar bay, just down the hall, we see Amy-Won running towards the Tank...............when Darth Morgendorffer enters, blocking her way, lightsabre ignited. Amy-Won smirks and ignites her lightsabre) AMY-WON: Prepare for the fight scene............ JAKE: So, we meet again, Amy-Won..........the circle is complete, when you left me, I was but the learner, now *I* am the master............. (Amy-Won yawns and looks at her watch) AMY-WON: Is this how you're gonna fight me? By boring me to death with your speeches? JAKE: GAH!!!!!!!(swings his lightsabre at Amy-Won) AMY-WON: (smirking) Triple Bypass surgery, Jake...........temper temper....... JAKE: Don't call me that! I am Darth Morgendorffer now! AMY-WON: sorry, Jake............. (Jake only becomes more enraged and fights harder, putting Amy-Won on the defensive) (Cut to a shot of another hallway, Daria and Quinn are running from the guards) QUINN: Can we stop soon, Daria..........I'm getting all sweaty........ DARIA: Deep space, Quinn (smirking) Deep space........... QUINN: Shut up, and keep running. (They go through a door, and close it. Daria blasts the switch to keep the guards from following. But they appear to be facing a large chasm.) QUINN: Well, don't just stand there, extend the bridge! DARIA: Hmm...........I think I just blasted it......... QUINN: God, Daria, for a "brain", you're pretty stupid....... DARIA: I have an idea............(starts putting on the stormtrooper uniform) QUINN: You're not gonna swing us across, are you? DARIA: How am I gonna do that? Do I look like Batman, or something? (puts on the helmet just as the guards get the door open.) Um, I'm a stormtrooper, just like you........um. I've captured the Princess, so you guys can take a break......... TROOPER: What about the other intruder? DARIA: I, um.........threw her down there. Why don't you guys go downstairs and get the body......... TROOPER: Roger! QUINN: Who? DARIA: Shut up, prisoner! (smacks her on the back of the head. The guards leave.) QUINN: Why did you do that? DARIA: Because I've wanted to since I met you, now let's go............ (Cut to a shot of the hangar bay, Daria and Quinn catch up with Chewie and Trent) CHEWIE: Hey look, they're here. TRENT: Daria, you're safe! Cool......... DARIA: (blushing) Um.........thanks QUINN: Ahem! I'm all right, too! TRENT: That's nice, Daria's sister............. QUINN: OOH! DARIA: You guys have any trouble getting here? TRENT: Nah..........all the guards were looking for a Princess, or something, they didn't seem to want to catch us too badly........ CHEWIE: Uh, Trent..........Daria's sister IS the Princess.......... QUINN: I have a name! TRENT: Really? Cool. Are you a Princess too, Daria? DARIA: (Blushing bright red) Um............no QUINN: God, no! TRENT: You trying to give us away, Daria's sister?! Quiet! (Quinn looks as though she's ready to blow a gasket.........they look and see all the guards around the Millenium Tank suddenly leave...........) TRENT: Cool............let's get outta here.........High Schools give me the creeps........ (Trent, Chewie, and Quinn rush towards the Tank Daria looks thoughtful) DARIA: Aren't we forgetting something? (Cut to a shot of the security room where the droids are just standing around, looking bored) STACY-3PO: What's taking them so long? Where could they be? (R-Ted beeps) STACY-3PO: No way, they wouldn't leave without us! (R-Ted brings up the hangar's surveillance camera and sees Trent, Chewie, and Quinn boarding) STACY-3PO: Eep! Let's go, R-Ted! (The droids leave) (Cut back to the hangar bay where Daria sees what was so interesting as to what lured the guards away. she sees Amy-Won dueling with Darth Morgendorffer) DARIA: Amy-won? AMY-WON: (calling to Daria) Listen, Daria. I wasn't completely honest with you before..........Darth Morgendorffer is your....................... (Her words are cut off by a swing of Morgendorffer's lightsabre, her body just disappears, leaving her robe as the only remains) DARIA: NO! (The guards immediately turn and start shooting at her. Daria readies her blaster. Behind her, the droids board the Tank) DARIA: You guys know you can't hit anything! Give it a rest! (She lays waste with her blaster. soon bodies start piling up. A digital readout appears on the screen that reads "SCORE" Daria mounts quite an impressive score. Soon a pile of stormtroopers ten feet high lies before her. Her score disappears and is replaced with "NEW HIGH SCORE!!!!" She blows on the barrel of her blaster and smirks. Suddenly she hears Amy-Won's voice in her head) AMY-WON: Are you auditioning for "Daughter of Rambo"? DARIA: (looking spooked) Um, no........ AMY-WON: Then get on the ship and go! (Daria boards and the Millenium Tank. It sputters a few times, then starts. Trent backs it out and heads into space.) TRENT: I hope that old lady took out the tractor beam, or we won't get very far......... (Daria is furious) DARIA: "Old Lady"?! That "Old Lady" Just saved our lives by sacrificing hers! You could at least address her by her name! (she storms off, furious) CHEWIE: Nice going, Trent.................Trent? (Trent is asleep) CHEWIE: Figures.............. (Cut to a different room Daria is sulking, Quinn enters to try to comfort her) DARIA: Figures, right when I meet someone I can actually relate to, they get killed right in front of me............. QUINN: For what's it worth, Daria, I know how you feel.......... DARIA: (looking skeptical) You do? QUINN: Sure, I mean I met this "really" cute guy on Malistair, he had it all, looks, popularity, a ski lodge and house on the lake.......... DARIA: So what happened to him? QUINN: He made a date with me, then CANCELLED to go out with an air-headed cheerleader! I was *so* devastated............. DARIA: (glaring) Thanks, Quinn.........you always know just what to say to make me feel better. QUINN: (missing the sarcasm) Aww, what are sisters for? Anyway, when we get to Yavin, will you just tell everyone we're cousins? That's what I've been telling them all these years........thanks! (She leaves) (Up on the bridge, Chewie notices 4 inbound spacecraft) CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOOOOOWR! QUINN: What did he say? STACY-3PO: I can't tell you, the script has to stay PG-13............ (Suddenly the Tank is shaken as the 4 enemy fighters pass) CHEWIE: (gasp) Narks! DARIA: (adopts an icy glare ) They're mine............(she mans one of the tanks laser cannons.........well, not real cannons, the lasers come out of one of the headlights. She makes quick work of one of them The other three attack again, this time the shuddering wakes Trent.) TRENT: Huh? what's going on? QUINN: We're being attacked...............by narks! TRENT: Oh, well, no big deal............ DARIA: No big deal?! They'll take us back to the High School! TRENT: We'll live.......... QUINN: They'll throw us in detention! TRENT: I'll get to catch up on my sleep......... (Just then, another attack knocks over Trent's already damaged guitar.........shattering it. Trent gets the same icy glare Daria got a moment ago) TRENT: They're goin'..............down! (Trent mans the other laser headlight. The narks are no match for Daria and Trent's double laser attack, and are soon destroyed. All the while, Quinn has been clutching her smiley face pillow to calm her nerves) (Cut to a shot of the High School. Admiral Li and Darth Morgendorffer are talking) LI: Is the tracking device installed? JAKE: Yes..........no attractive and popular girl can resist smiley face pillows. Wherever they go, we'll find them............ (Cut to a shot of the Rebel base on Yavin. The Millenium Tank is greeted with great enthusiasm. Quinn steps out and is greeted with cheers.) CHEWIE: Uh, guys................The High School is headed this way! TRENT: How did they know we were here? DARIA: (Noticing Quinn's pillow for the first time) Uh, Quinn, has that pillow always beeped like that? QUINN: Um, no. Not since I was in detention........... DARIA: And have the eyes always blinked on and off? QUINN: No............what are you saying, Daria? DARIA: I'm saying that they put a tracking device in your pillow, you idiot! QUINN: Oh..............Oops. (She leaves with a vacant expression on her face. The crowd follows.) TRENT: Where'd everybody go? DARIA: They saw who they came to see, Trent........ (Just then, a young woman approaches them, we see that it is Jodie in a fighter pilot suit) JODIE: I'm General Landon. I see you've brought the plans we need. Any attack on the Imperial High School will be useless without them. (Daria, Trent, and Chewie stare at her blankly.) JODIE: Um.........you're not members of the Rebel Alliance, are you? DARIA: Nope, I'm too cynical to be a joiner....... TRENT: It would cut too much into my nap schedule.......... JODIE: What about you? (points at Chewie) CHEWIE: Don't look at me, I'm just a wookie. I'm not supposed to be able to talk.......... JODIE: Look, just join up for this one mission. If we fail, the Empire will make you go to the High School just the same as the rest of us. So why not help out? DARIA: I don't know...........This place is a little to trendy for me...... JODIE: I'll let you fly your own fighter and blow things up......... DARIA: (smirking) Well, free explosives are too tempting to pass up....... TRENT: Um, I'll just be going......... JODIE: Are you sure you won't stay? TRENT: Positive. I owe money to Axl the Hut, so I'll just collect and go.......... (Daria glares at him) DARIA: So, you're in charge here? What about Quinn? JODIE: When I started the Rebel Alliance, I knew I needed someone attractive and popular to get people to sign up. The "Princess" title was her idea......she's just a figurehead. DARIA: Nice to see her head is good for something............ (Cut to a shot of a meeting room where Jodie is explaining the battle plan) JODIE: It's pretty simple...........Admiral Li has made sure security is tight enough that any attack with our cruisers will fail, so it'll be up to the fighters. All we have to do is fly through this trench and shoot a pair of torpedoes in this vent..........it goes to the storage room, where all the confiscated explosives from the Trenchcoat Mafia are kept. That'll start a chain reaction that will destroy the High School...............any questions? (An unknown voice speaks up) VOICE: Is Quinn coming to this meeting? (Jodie shakes her head) (Cut to a shot of the fighter bay where Trent and Chewie are getting ready to leave. Daria walks by and still looks upset at him, Trent stops her) TRENT: Hey...........Daria. DARIA: What is it, Trent? TRENT: I'm, uh, sorry about what I said about your friend. I only called her that because I forgot her name............didn't know you'd get mad. DARIA: (Anger melts. Let's face it, Daria can never stay mad at Trent for long) Yeah, I shouldn't have yelled at you like I did.........but I really thought you'd stay. We could use your help. TRENT: Sorry, Daria. But I owe money to Axl the Hut..........see this tattoo? (Trent points at his tribal tattoo) TRENT: I didn't have the money to pay for it, so Axl said I could owe him..........that was about 3 years ago, and now I can pay him back, besides, I NEED a new guitar......... DARIA: (deadpan) Well, I hope you'll be happy with your new guitar, Trent. I'll see you around............ (Daria walks off) CHEWIE: ROOOOOOOOOOWR! TRENT: Hey, man. Don't growl at me in that tone of voice............ (Cut to a shot of Yavin orbit. the Imperial High School approaches. Jodie's squadron of fighters rushes to meet it.) JODIE: This is Red leader. all wings report in. VOICES: Red 1 standing by, Red 4 standing by, Red 3 standing by, Red 9 standing by...... (Daria chimes in) DARIA: Red 666, standing by. JODIE: I'll be assigning you a new number after this mission, Red 666........... (The fighters scream across the surface of the high school, surprisingly, they meet with no resistance............) (Cut to a shot of inside the High School) JAKE: You're not going to destroy them? LI: No..........I'm going to recruit them as students.............then I'll receive special recognition from the Empress.......... JAKE: Even still there is a danger, I'll deal with them........... (Cut to a shot of the trench. Jodie enters to start her run) JODIE: Red 1 and Red 666 with me. DARIA: You want me with you on my first mission? Don't you want someone with more experience? JODIE: No, I want you with me so I can keep an eye on you......... DARIA: Oh, all right........you me, and a total stranger.......... (The three fighters enter the trench.) JODIE: The rest of you give us cover from enemy fighters................... (No response) (The same party sounds played on Alderan are heard.) JODIE: Red team, report! (No response.............they have all been lured into the false party and are rounded up.) JODIE: Looks like we're on our own............. (The three fighters begin their attack run. But Darth Morgendorffer appears behind them. he fires his blasters and destroys the unnamed Red 1) DARIA: Good thing he was a total stranger..............A regular cast member was already killed in this story........... (Amy-Won speaks to Daria from the great beyond............wherever that is.) AMY-WON: Are you sure? DARIA: Huh? I knew I shouldn't have skipped my medication today....... AMY-WON: Ahh, the sarcasm is growing stronger with you............ DARIA: Aren't you supposed to sound serious and wise when you talk to me from beyond the grave? ANY-WON: Sorry..................(adopts a more distant tone) Use the Sarcasm, Daria.......... (Darth Morgendorffer fires again and damages Jodie's fighter. She is forced to break formation) JODIE: I have to pull up..............Daria, the fate of the galaxy is now in your hands......... DARIA: Great...........there's not too much pressure on me now............ AMY-WON: Get used to it, Daria..........it'll be a running theme in the sequels........ (Darth Morgendorffer pulls up behind Daria, preparing to fire again.........) DARIA: Uh-oh........looks like he's gonna blast me to bits. AMY-WON: Don't worry, I don't think he'll kill his own..............oops. DARIA: Wait! What is it you were saying? AMY-WON: I said, uh..........look! There's the Millenium Tank! (The Millenium Tank pulls up behind Morgendorffer.............) DARIA: What are you waiting for, Trent?! Blast him! (Cut to a shot of the Tank..............Trent is asleep at the gun controls............what a surprise. Instead the Tank slams into Darth Morgendorffer's fighter, sending it spiraling into space.) JAKE: GAAAAAAAAAH! DAMMIT! RECKLESS BASTARDS! WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!!!!!!!! (Cut back to Daria's fighter.) AMY-WON: Use the Sarcasm, Daria............... DARIA: Let's see, I can use a mystical power I'm just starting to learn............or this state-of-the-art laser targeting system.................(Daria uses the targeting system and fires two torpedoes, they hit precisely on target) AMY-WON: Well, whenever technology fails, remember..................The Sarcasm will be with you! DARIA: Are you gonna be around ALL the time? (Sees the High School beging to explode) Oops, time to go. JODIE: What about all the people on board? DARIA: Hmm............(Daria opens a channel to the high school loudspeakers) Class dismissed! (Throngs of ships fly out of the high school, we see Daria and Jodie's fighters, along with the Millenium Tank leading them away as the Imperial High School explodes..............) (Cut to a shot of an escape pod) LI: AHHHHHHHHHH! My beautiful High School.................I'll get you, Daria Skywalker............and your little guitar player, too! (Cut to a shot of the Rebel Base. The crowd cheers enthusiastically for Jodie when she exits her fighter. Despite the fact that it was Daria and Trent who did all the work, they are ignored by the cheering crowd. Quinn enters and is being congratulated for leading the victory.) DARIA: (To Jodie) She's going to take all the credit, isn't she? JODIE: I'm afraid so, but at least you saved us all from High School........... (Jodie leaves) TRENT: Yeah, you did save us all. Thanks, Daria. DARIA: (blushing) Um, no problem. Thanks for coming back and bailing me out. TRENT: It's cool. I can always get another guitar, and I've owed Axl for years, a few more weeks won't hurt..............besides, how often do I get a chance to help blow up a High School? (laughs and coughs. Daria chuckles a little as well) (Cut to a shot of a gathering hall. Princess Quinn is being forced by Jodie to bestow medals of honor to Daria and Trent.) QUINN: But you can't be serious! Have you seen this "Trent" guy's outfit?! JODIE: Yes, but they deserve our gratitude, they did save you, as well as they rest of us....... QUINN: Oh, all right. (Daria and Trent enter. They march through the hall smirking. They obviously have a plan to get back at Quinn.) QUINN: Ahem! For destroying the Imperial High School and freeing us all from the oppression of the Empire and stuff, I bestow these medals of honor............(she puts a medal around Trent's neck.) TRENT: Thanks................."Daria's sister"! (Quinn looks terrified as the crowd is staring at her) QUINN: (looking to regain control, puts a medal around Daria's neck) And a medal for my "cousin", Daria Skywalker. DARIA: (smirking) Thanks............."sis"! (The entire crown stares at Quinn as they realize the truth. Quinn lets out a horrified shriek as the credits roll)