Cynic and Violence

By

Patrick Moore

EXT-Muppet Show Theater-Night

INT-Guest Star's Dressing Room-Night

(We see Scooter come in from the door.)

SCOOTER:

Lady Gaga. Fifteen seconds to curtain, Lady Gaga.

(Scooter is shocked to see Lady Gaga is a baby.)

This is the last time the fan fiction writers to this to us.

LADY GAGA:

Gaga made a poopie.

SCOOTER:

(To Camera.) I'm not getting that.

(Just then, Kermit the Frog enters.)

KERMIT:

Scooter, is our guest star ready?

SCOOTER:

I didn't know Lady Gaga is a baby.

KERMIT;

She isn't. (See the baby.) And I thought we do bad jokes.

SCOOTER:

What are we going to do, boss?

KERMIT:

Time for guest star B.

SCOOTER:

Who could that be?

(We now see Daria Morgendorffer and Jane Lane enter.)

DARIA:

You must be Kermit the Gorf.

KERMIT:

(Groans.) That may have worked on Sesame Street, but this is the Muppet Show.

SCOOTER:

Who are you two?

JANE:

We're the winners of the go on the Muppet Show Contest to make you guys look like idiots.

KERMIT:

I don't remember a contest like that.

DARIA:

It's in the script, Frog. Play along.

KERMIT:

What script?

DARIA:

The script to this fan fiction.

(Daria give Kermit the script.)

KERMIT:

(To Camera.) This better be worth this episode.

(We now hear the Muppet Show Theme with Kermit coming out of the O in Show.)

KERMIT:

It's the Muppet Show, with very special guest stars, Alvin and the Chipmunks. Yayyyyyyyy!

(As the theme ends, we see Gonzo blowing on his horn that plays the Daria theme.)

GONZO:

I want my MTV!

(We now see Kermit on stage.)

KERMIT:

Thank you , and welcome to the Muppet Show. We've got go a big surprise for you guys out there. That singing animal sensations, Alvin and the Chipmunks are here tonight. (Crowd cheers.) Yes! But before we bring them out, here's a rock band from long ago. Please welcome Cake.

(The certain open as we see various cakes singing the song "Daria." Half way through the song, Animal bites into one of the singing cakes. Kermit runs in.)

KERMIT:

Animal, don't eat the musical guest!

ANIMAL:

Cake good!

(We now see Floyd Pepper on stage.)

KERMIT:

Floyd, control Animal!

FLOYD:

Got you, green dude. (To Animal.) Animal, frog's legs!

KERMIT:

What!?

ANIMAL:

Frog legs! Frog legs!

(Animal chases after Kermit off stage.)

(We cut to Daria and Jane in the balcony.)

DARIA:

It was nice of those two old guys to give us those tickets for tonight's show.

JANE:

It was funny that those two grumpy old men looked familiar. Did you like the singing cake number?

DARIA:

That number left a bad taste in my mouth for some of Dad's lasagna.

JANE:

Maybe the Swedish Chief can cook you up some after the show.

DARIA:

I'm not that desperate.

(We now cut backstage, where Kermit is getting ready for the next number.)

KERMIT:

Now with Animal chained up, I can get this show back to normal. (Presses button on intercom.) Electric Mayhem to the stage for the Chipmunks number.

(Miss Piggy enters.)

MISS PIGGY:

Kermit, I've looked at the balcony and Staler and Waldorf aren't there.

KERMIT:

I don't know where they are either, Piggy.

MISS PIGGY:

At lease those two hacks aren't going to heckle at us this time.

KERMIT:

Get ready for your Pigs in Space number after the Chipmunks.

MISS PIGGY:

What Chipmunks?

KERMIT:

Alvin and the Chipmunks.

MISS PIGGY:

You mean those rodents with the red, blue, and green shirts?

KERMIT:

Yes.

MISS PIGGY:

I thought they were vermin, so I called the exterminator.

KERMIT:

(Shouts.) You what!?

MISS PIGGY:

I hate rodents.

(Rizzo enters.)

RIZZO:

What am I, chopped liver?

CHOPPED LIVER:

No, I am.

KERMIT:

(Shouts.) Get out of here!

(Rizzo, Chopped Liver, and Miss Piggy leaves.)

KERMIT;

Not you, Piggy.

MISS PIGGY:

What do you want from moi?

KERMIT:

I want you to tell that stupid exterminator not to hurt Alvin and the Chipmunks.

VOICE:

Tell me what?

(Kermit turns to see the exterminator, who looks like a certain Austrian actor.)

KERMIT:

Look, I want you not to hurt the guest stars.

EXTERMININATOR:

Vermin is vermin, frog.

KERMIT:

That vermin happens to be Alvin and the Chipmunks.

EXTERMINATOR:

I don't care if it's the Beatles, I exterminate all pest.

(Exterminator leave, as the theme to the Terminator plays in the background.)

(We now see Daria and Jane enter backstage.)

DARIA:

How's everything, Kermit?

KERMIT:

Just the usual wackiness you see on the Muppet Show.

JANE:

Kermit, there are singing rodents in our balcony, and they blame you for this.

KERMIT:

Tell them that I'm getting rid of that exterminator as soon as possible.

DARIA:

They also said that they quit, and left the show.

KERMIT:

What!?

DARIA:

They said something about suing you for assault and battery on guest stars.

KERMIT:

It's the whole Skeeter thing all over again.

JANE:

Who's Skeeter?

KERMIT:

Never mind. First Lady Gaga is a baby, now the Chipmunks quit. What's the worse that could happen now?

(We now see J.P. Gross, owner of the theater enter.)

J. P. GROSS:

I've heard everything, frog. If you don't have a major guest star by the end of the show, The Muppet Show is cancelled.

(Gross leaves.)

KERMIT:

Where am I going to get another guest star?

DARIA:

Well...

KERMIT:

You know someone, Daria?

JANE:

I can call my brother and his band to come here.

KERMIT:

Are they famous?

JANE:

Sort of.

KERMIT:

Call your brother and his band, while I'll try and calm the crowd down.

(Kermit leaves.)

DARIA:

Uh, Jane.

JANE:

What?

DARIA:

Take a look at this.

(Daria gives Jane a script to a top secret project Kermit has been working on.)

JANE:

I forgot it's been twenty years since...

DARIA:

Don't ruin the plot. Save it for Act 2.

To Be Continued...

(We now see the Swinetrek appear in space, as it is time for Pigs in Space.)

ANNOUNCER:

It's now time for Pigs In Space! As we saw our heroes, they are heading to a mysterious new planet.

(We now see Link Hogtrob, First Mate Piggy, and Dr. Strangepork in the Control Room.)

LINK:

Looks like we're heading to a mysterious planet.

PIGGY:

The announcer just said that, you twit!

STRANGEPORK:

According to the readings, the planet has intelligent life.

PIGGY:

At lease I'll be away from you two numbskulls. What the name of the planet, Strangepork?

STRANGEPORK:

The planet is called Lawndale.

LINK:

What kind of idiot names their planet Lawndale?

PIGGY:

Nerdy fan fiction writers who have nothing to do.

(The Swinetrek lands on the planet Lawndale, as we see the crew come out of the ship.)

LINK:

This must be Lawndale. Nice planet.

(We see Ms. Barch walk towards them.)

BARCH:

(To camera.) I said all men are pigs, but this is ridiculous!

LINK:

Hello, strange visitor from this planet. I'm Link Hogtrob, who are you?

BARCH:

I'm Janet Barch, you man!

LINK:

Strange name of a type of alien is this Janet Barch. Strangepork, get a sample from this alien.

STRANGEPORK:

Right, Link.

BARCH:

Get away from me, you man pig you!

(Barch does a Stone Cold Stunner on Strangepork.)

LINK:

She must be a savage warrior, if she could do that to Strangepork.

PIGGY:

That's a wrestling move, you idiot! Let me see Strangepork's readings! (Piggy reads the readings.) I thought so!

LINK:

You know about this planet, First Mate Piggy?

PIGGY:

Lawndale isn't a planet, boob, is a town in the suburbs! You boneheads sent us back to Earth! Now I know how Joel and the Bots felt.

(We see Link getting beat up by Barch, as various citizens of Lawndale look on.)

LINK:

Help me, First Mate Piggy!

PIGGY:

Not on your life, twit! But, I do like you better getting the stuffing out of you.

ANNOUNCER:

Is this the end of our heroes?

PIGGY:

It better be, or this will be the longest sketch on the Muppet Show since that number with Wayne and Wanda.

ANNOUNCER:

Find out next time on Pigs in Space!

(Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.)

STATLER:

Who is this Daria character anyway?

WALDORF:

I don't like the MTV generation. What happened to the good old days of music?

STATLER:

I can't think of a joke anymore.

WALDORF:

I think we used all our best jokes on those Muppets right before the show ended at season five.

STATLER:

I still say Daria is better that this show, she never laughs at their bad jokes.

(Both of them laugh.)

DARIA:

Hey, I laugh.

STATLER:

When?

DARIA:

Good point.

(Daria walks offstage.)

(Cut to backstage, where Jane is talking to Mystik Spiral.)

JANE:

You guys know what to do?

TRENT:

We got it, Janey.

JESSE:

We talked it over with Dr. Teeth and the band.

JANE:

Good. Don't tell Kermit.

(Daria enters.)

JANE:

What's up, Morgendorffer? Looks like you lost your humor again.

DARIA:

Jane, I just got punked by the original Grumpy Old Men. Now I know how Fozzie feels.

(We now see Sam the Eagle walk in.)

SAM:

Excuse me, young lady. I, Sam the Eagle have to be on stage for the return of Wayne and Wanda.

JANE:

Didn't Kermit fire them a few seasons ago?

SAM:

Kermit doesn't know about it.

(Sam leaves.)

DARIA:

Great, what we don't need, a presidential version of Oscar the Grouch.

(Cut to Sam on stage.)

SAM:

Ladies and Gentlemen. I give you the return of the greatest singing duo ever heard. I give you Wayne and Wanda.

(The stage opens as we see Wayne and Wanda dressed in Disco outfits, as they sing that long song by Iron Butterfly. Sam is shocked by this, as he jumps on top of the duo. Seconds later, they are bound and gagged, as the certain closes.)

SAM:

Morgendorffer!

(Sam runs towards Daria.)

DARIA:

What do you want, birdbrain?

SAM:

What do you do to my cultural singing duo?

DARIA:

I didn't do nothing to them.

(Wayne and Wanda, who are still bound and gagged, hop backstage.)

SAM:

(To Wayne and Wanda.) What do you two have to say for yourselves?

WAYNE AND WANDA:

Mmmghph! Mgghpp!

SAM:

Oh, shut up.

(The three of them leave.)

DARIA:

How long do we have left in this fanfic?

JANE:

One more act, and it's the big finale.

DARIA:

Good. Get the Muppets ready for this.

ANNOUNCER:

What does Daria have planed? We'll find out in the thrilling conclusion to "Cynic and Violence!"

DARIA:

That guy is even annoying that the announcer on Powerpuff Girls and Rocky and Bullwinkle.

To be Concluded...

We now see the Muppet Newsman enter the news studio.)

MUPPET REPORTER:

Here is a Muppet News Flash! It has been confirmed that football players are mysteriously becoming stupid due to something in the school's water supply. One football player had this to say.

(We see Kevin Thompson on the screen behind the Muppet Reporter.)

KEVIN:

I'm I on TV?

MUPPET REPORTER:

Yes.

KEVIN:

Hi, Brittany! I'm on the Muppet Show!

MUPPET REPORTER:

Tell me, Kevin, is it true about the water making football players stupid?

KEVIN:

What water?

MUPPET REPORTER:

That's making you and other football players stupid.

KEVIN:

Ms. Li pays for the water bill here at Lawndale High. She bought some green chemicals to make the water fresher.

MUPPET REPORTER:

Do you think the green chemical is toxic waste?

KEVIN:

What's toxic waste?

MUPPET REPORTER:

Never mind, Kevin. I don't think toxic waste can make you stupid.

DARIA:

(VO) You can say that again.

KEVIN:

Daria is that you?

DARIA:

Well it isn't Batman.

MUPPET REPORTER:

Daria, get out of here!

DARIA:

I'm not leaving until something happens to you. Like cows and aliens.

MUPPET REPORTER:

Well, that isn't going to happen...this time.

(Just then, a football goalpost crashes on the Newsman.)

DARIA:

(To Camera.) I didn't do it.

KEVIN:

It's Tommy Sherman all over again!

DARIA:

Kevin, the newsman is a puppet. He's not real. There's a man sticking his hand up him and doing his voice.

KEVIN:

So Bert and Ernie are not...

DARIA:

No.

KEVIN:

And Elmo is...

DARIA:

A stupid puppet with no emotions, just like you.

KEVIN:

I'm a puppet? Mr. DeMartino was right about us being Muppets with no brains.

DARIA:

Well...

(Kermit enters.)

KERMIT:

Daria, stop insulting us!

DARIA:

Kermit, it's time to break the fourth wall about this show. (To audience.) Ladies and Gentlemen and Whatnots. Twenty years ago, a great man named Jim Henson died. He made us laugh for almost sixty years with his Muppets. He created characters like Big Bird, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, Oscar the Grouch, and many others.

KERMIT:

Daria, what is this?

DARIA:

A tribute, Kermit, a tribute to Jim.

(The curtain opens with Mystik Spiral. Behind them are pictures of various Muppet characters, and in the middle is a large photo of Jim Henson.)

TRENT:

Daria told us to come here to pay homage to Jim Henson, by singing one of his favorite songs.

(The band plays a very familiar banjo twang, as they sing "The Rainbow Connection.")

(Kermit is seen crying, as Daria comforts him.)

KERMIT:

I don't know how to thank you, Daria.

DARIA:

Just go out there and sing the ending, Frog.

(Kermit goes on stage, as we see various Muppets from Sesame Street, and other Muppet TV shows behind him singing the closing to "Rainbow Connection," like in the ending in "The Muppet Movie.")

JANE:

Now if our show ended like that, we would have gotten an Emmy nomination.

(Daria and Jane frown in front of the camera.)

KERMIT:

I like to thank you girls for this.

JANE:

Thanks, Kermit, but we don't want your foam money.

DARIA:

But, there is something I've been wanting to do.

KERMIT:

What's that?

(Daria whispers to Kermit.)

Go right ahead.

DARIA:

(To camera.) We'll see you all next time on the Muppet Show! Yayyyyyyyy!

(The Muppet Show theme play as we see the closing credits.)

(Cut to balcony.)

STATLER:

What's fan fiction?

WALDORF:

I don't know, but it's better than Pulp Fiction.

(Both old men laugh, as we close the show.)

(The words "In Memory of Jim Henson and Richard Hunt" appear on a black background, as we fade to black.)

THE END!