"Oh, great. Commercials."
"This is a good thing. You can go downstairs and get food and drinks, and I can go on a bathroom run."
"Why can't I go on a bathroom run?"
"Do you need to?"
"No."
"Shut up. I want root beer!"
______________________________________
FADE IN.
EXT. OUTER SPACE - THE BAJORAN SECTOR - ESTABLISHING
It is the painfully clichéd beauty of a stellar backdrop that we've all seen before, ad nauseum.
EXT. SPACE - DEEP SPACE NINE
You know what it looks like. If you don't - well, you probably aren't here on PPMB reading this, anyway. This is one severely, well and truly f****d-up right turn that you made at Albuquerque, old boy.
INT. DS9 - QUARK'S PLACE - ESTABLISHING
Where everybody knows your name, and can even say it, thanks to the Universal Translator. Ah, the Universal Translator. It gets through lots of plot bunny-killers and common sense very quickly, and you don't have to worry about small aquatic creatures doing things in your ear that make you glad your eardrum can serve in a pinch as a diaphragm.
The joyous din is suddenly quashed by the 24 Century's version of buzzkill - Klingons ready to party. They snarl their way into the place and up to the bar, where a nervous QUARK awaits their pleasure.
KLINGON: BARTENDER!
QUARK: Yes?
KLINGON: Bring us... root beer.
(A snicker of mirth is heard. A throwing dirk suddenly appears in the speaking Klingon's hand; he throws it without looking, and an agonized cry pierces the air!
QUARK: Wrong target.
KLINGON: Only if we don't have our drinks NOW. (Quark re-appears immediately with five glasses of root beer. The Klingons drink - then spit out their contents, and plunge towards Quark with drawn knives!)
KLINGON: (in Klingonese) STOP! (He turns to Quark, pure malice in his calm, even voice. NO. (pause) We want... Barq's... root beer...
(Hands shaking, Quark watches as five icy-cold cans of Barq's root beer rise up from the bar. The Klingons pop them open, drink, and ROAR with mirth and approval!
INT. BAR - TOP OF THE BAR - CLOSE-UP
A can of Barq's root beer is seen.
VOICE: (in Klingonese) Barq's - the one with bite!
____________________________________________
ANNCR #1: Coming back to Lawndale after four years --
ANNCR #2: Blind Cougar -- The House Of Dark Dreams tour!
MUSIC: HARD-DRIVIN' NU METAL SOUND; UP AND UNDER'
VIDEO: STOCK BLIND COUGAR CONCERT FOOTAGE
ANNCR #1: With Phil Schuyler --
ANNCR #2: The Launch Pad.
ANNCR #1: John-Richard Marshall --
ANNCR #2: El Cid RIDES!!
ANNCR #1: And - back to give Lawndale better sax than it's had in
years - Wayne Johnson --
ANNCR #2: The Brother Like No Other!
ANNCR #1: Coming to the Civic Center for three spectacular
shows on October Third, Fourth and Fifth! It's
Blind Cougar-
ANNCR #2: The House Of Dark Dreams tour!
ANNCR #1: With special guests - Napalm Orgasm!
ANNCR #2: Brought to you by StarBear Entertainment!
ANNCR #1: If you think you'll see a better concert in Lawndale
this year --
ANNCR #2: You'd better check the temperature in Hell first!
MUSIC: UP AND OUT.
______________________________________________________
INT. DARKENED STAGE - ESTABLISHING
('The man' from 'TSWCOT' steps into view.)
THE MAN: It's vacation time once again -- and what are your plans for this year? Probably the same, boring things that everybody does! Isn't it time to make your vacation more than just a cliché? If your answer is yes - then we have something for you!
(A video insert appears next to 'the man', and the image of several bodies being flung through the air by a massive explosion is seen!)
THE MAN: We're Adverse Temporal Ventures - the newest name in virtual reality adventure! Using the latest in temporal-based holography and sensory alteration, we can send you and that special someone to some of the most horrid moments in recorded history! To the Spanish Inquisition!
(The video is of a man on a rack, moaning and crying as a cat-of-nine-tails cracks once, then twice against his back!
THE MAN: - To the Tri-State Tornado!
(Several people are seen running as a violent tornado churns in the background! One person stops, then turns and runs as the form of a dog goes careening skyward!)
REDNECK: Mama! It got Leonard-!
THE MAN: To one of our most popular moments - the grassy knoll!
(The video insert disappears, and a single gunshot is heard!)
THE MAN: Here at ATV, Inc., we have our own computer, loaded with the worst that man, God and Nature can provide! We offer three- and seven-day getaways! Adverse Temporal Ventures - we put you where they didn't want to be!
ANNOUNCER: Now in stock - The Branch Davidian Compound, the first American Idol finals, the 'Star Wars Kid' filming himself - and the Reagan Years!
____________________________________
"I can't believe we sat through that."
"Me, either."
===============================================================
Professor: I was trying to flesh this out, but it just wasn't happening. Anyone wants to take this and run with it, feel free.
-----------------------------------------
After finishing watching the latest episode of a show that Janey loved and wanted to get him into, Trent got up from where he was sprawled on Janey's floor, but noticed she and Daria hadn't budged.
"Hey, why---"
"Hush, neophyte! You'll miss the best part!" Jane said without taking her eyes of the TV.
Trent was curious, but not stupid. "Hey, Daria---"
"SSSSSHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!" the furious hissing came from both girls.
NEXT TIME, ON FANDEMONIMUM!!!!!
(dramatic pan shot across a deserted quarry. Brother Grimace stands atop a cliff, looking down at the lone warrior striding across the landscape toward him.)
Brother Grimace: I will fight you, Professor, but only if you can defeat 100 of my robotic soldiers first.
(The figure pauses, trench coat whipping dramatically in the wind, and draws a katana.)
Professor: Then that is what I will do.
(Professor then proceeds to PWN the 100 robotic soldiers that magically appeared when BG made his challenge. As she does so, a counter in the bottom corner of the screen keeps track of how many robots she's taken out.)
CUT TO (close up of BG's shocked face):
BG: What?! I don't believe it! Impossible! NOTHING CAN KILL THE GRIMACE!!!
CUT TO (Just as Professor is about to strike a killing blow, a shadow falls over her and her eyes widen...)
SO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK!!!!!
"Oh," said Trent, wide-eyed. "Sorry."
"Just don't do it again."
--------------------------------------------
"Uh, Janey - I thought it said 'next week..."
"Hmn?"
"Check it out..."
Announcer: LAST TIME, ON FANDEMONIUM...
(A REALLY funky-looking creature that looks like a giant donkey with a giant castle on its back gallops across the sea of space towards the planet Earth.)
Announcer: Virago Wild teams up with the Professor to destroy the twisted Brother Grimace!
(Virago Wild, standing in front of a map of the entire Earth, all continents except Antarctica colored in blue. She carries a HUGE double-bladed battle-axe.)
Virago Wild: Destroy Brother Grimace! He is but the first, and he will be the easiest to defeat! His fall shall send a message to all of the Angst Lords that I, Virago Wild, shall be the unquestioned Majestrix of the Fandom!!!
Professor: And I get his starship.
(The figure pauses, trench coat whipping dramatically in the wind, and draws a katana.)
Professor: Prepare for your defeat!
Brother Grimace: I will fight you, Professor, but only if you can defeat 100 of my robotic soldiers first.
Professor: Then that is what I will do.
(Professor then proceeds to PWN the 100 robotic soldiers that magically appeared when BG made his challenge. As she does so, a counter in the bottom corner of the screen keeps track of how many robots she's taken out.)
CUT TO (close up of BG's shocked face):
BG: What?! I don't believe it! Impossible! NOTHING CAN KILL THE GRIMACE!!!
FADE IN.
(The Professor is about to strike a killing blow when a shadow flashes past her face!)
Professor: What-?
(A black cat with white paws flies through the air, and knocks the Professor back in a shower of sparks!)
Bump: Ki-yah! (Before the Professor can react, a cat with longhaired white fur and a green collar flies through the air and kicks her with both back paws!)
Fluffy: Hah! (The Professor takes several hits from behind, and she pulls herself from the dirt to see a slinky Blue Point Siamese and a yellow-hued Domestic Shorthair land next to Bump!
ZACHARY AND TAYLOR: YA!
(The space in front of the Professor literally explodes with sparks and flame, and the Professor drops to her knees! Somehow, she manages to hold onto her sword.)
Professor: Wha... What...?
(The air clears, and she sees a small black-and-white dog with large ears and a red collar walking through the flames and smoke.)
ZOIE: Your quest is over, Professor! (The cats assemble around Zoie, who lifts a left front leg to show a small device with a tiny paw print on it.) Ready-? (The cats lift their front legs in the same manner.)
CATS: READY!
ZOIE AND THE CATS: (bringing their right front paws over the devices) PAUSE FOR - PAWS FORCE!!!
(In a brilliant explosion of rainbow lights matching either their fur or the color of their collar, each animal has a giant paw print appear behind a profile shot of their heads as a helmet appears around their heads, and they each appear in a patented 'action pose' in costume!)
Professor: You're Power Rangers-?
Fluffy/Green Ranger: That's right! We're Paws Force - and you're finished!
FADE OUT
END OF TEASER:
(Note: it helps if you know the Power Rangers: Time Force theme, which can be found at Retro Junk.com.)
Paws Force!
Paws Force!
Power Rangers...
Racing across the streets and grime
Paw Print Morphers are on line
Off to save the world
Go, go, Paws Force!
Pause (pause, pause) for Power Rangers Paws Force
Pause (pause, pause) for Power Rangers Paws Force
Pause (pause, pause) for Power Rangers Paws Force
Paws Force, Paws Force
Power Rangers, go!
----------------------------------------
'Did you know they were starting a new series?'
"All I wanna know is where to pick up my royalties. Those are MY cats-!"
"Oh, please. I've known you for years and those cats are never here."
"Yeah, Janey. They were emancipated long ago."
"Oh, poo."
Revised 27 June 2007