Celebrity Jeopardy: Daria Edition
Episode 2: “Homo-erotic Necrophilia”

by Derek, Angelboy, atimnie, and RedlegRick

Legal “anal bum cover”: Daria and all associated characters are property of MTV/Viacom.   Saturday Night Live is property of NBC.  Neither is used with any permission whatsoever.  What are you going to do, sue us? (Just kidding!)

Notes: Thanks to Angelboy “The Misery Dick”, atimnie, and RedlegRick “The Homo-erotic Necrophiliac” for volunteering to be the contestants in this fic and providing such, uh, wonderful dialog.

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[ Scene opens on the Celebrity Jeopardy set.  Derek is the host, and RedlegRick, atimnie, and Angelboy (in order from closest to the host to farthest) are the contestants. ]

Derek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy: Daria Edition.  As you know, Alex Trebek is currently serving time for assaulting Sean Connery on the last show, so it fell to me, your beloved author, to be the new host.  As usual, the contestants have made a total disaster of the show.  In third place is Angelboy, whose negative $870,000 exceeds even Kevin Thompson’s infamous record for the lowest score ever.

Angelboy: You will rue the day you came up against me Derek!

Derek: I already do.  In second place is RedlegRick.  I have absolutely no idea how he managed to get a score of negative $44,782.2566.

Rick: Damn you Trebek, you'll never take me alive!

Derek: Who said I wanted you alive?  And I’ve told you before, I’m Derek, not Trebek.  Moving on, in first place is atimnie, with a colossal sum of negative $59.  I don’t know how he managed to get that score, either.

[ atimnie shrugs ]

Derek: Alright then.  The categories for the game are: Potent Potables; Shipper Madness; Psychotic Teachers; Rhymes With Orange - the answers to every question in this category rhyme with the word ‘orange’; Misery Chicks; Smells Like Teen Spirit; and Driven To Distraction, which is what I’ll be by the end of this show.

RedlegRick: Can I buy a vowel?

Derek: No, you can’t.  That’s on Wheel of Fortune .  This is Celebrity Jeopardy .

RedlegRick: Damn you, Trebek!

Derek: Whatever.  Atimnie, it’s your board, so you get to pick the category.

Angelboy: I’ve got your board right here, Treb*tch! [ He turns around and starts pulling down his pants before the camera cuts back to Derek ]

Derek: Oh, jeez.  I did not need to see that.  

[ Angelboy laughs after pulling his pants back up ]

Derek: That was completely unnecessary.

atimnie: I’ll take Potpourri for 200.

Derek: That’s not a category.

atimnie: Okay then, I’ll take Potpourri for 400. [ audience laughter ]

Derek [ sighs ]: RedlegRick, would you like to pick a category?

RedlegRick: All right, I’ll take Homo-erotic Necrophilia for 200, Treb*tch. [ audience laughter ]

Derek [ looks at the sign on the board taped over Shipper Madness for a moment before walking over and ripping it off ]: Who let him in here with paper and a marker?  Those are banned from the set. [ walks back to his podium ]

Angelboy: I loaned him some.

Derek: Figures.  In the future, you’re getting a full-body cavity search.

RedlegRick: So do I get it or not, damn your eyes!?

Derek: No, you sick moron.  Angelboy, would you like to pick a category?

Angelboy: Misery Dicks for $200. [ audience laughter ]

Derek: You’re all hopeless.  Let’s just do Shipper Madness for $300.  The question is: Daria dated this member of Tom Sloane’s family.

[ Angelboy buzzes in ]

Derek: Angelboy.

Angelboy: Who is Elsie Sloane?

Derek: Wrong.  Somebody else?  [ atimnie buzzes in ] Atimnie.

atimnie: Who is... um... give me a sec... um... Tom Sloane? [ RedlegRick buzzes in ]

Derek [ stunned ]: Amazing.  Somebody actually gave a correct answer.  I’m completely stunned.  [ RedlegRick buzzes in two more times ]  What?

[ RedlegRick buzzes in yet again to audience laughter, while Angelboy and atimnie take advantage of the distraction to punch each other ]

RedlegRick: Your wife, Treb*tch!  Hahahaha! [ belches loudly ]

Derek: I have a wife? First I’ve heard of her.  [ Angelboy buzzes in ] Angelboy?

Angelboy: I think my buzzer’s busted...

Derek: No it isn’t, you just buzzed in.

Angelboy [ buzzes in again ]: No I didn’t.  [ RedlegRick buzzes in ]

Derek [ exasperated ]: Now what?

RedlegRick: What?

atimnie: I’ll take Rhymes With Orange for 1959.

Derek [ to RedlegRick ]: You buzzed in.

RedlegRick: No I didn’t. [ buzzes in again ]

Derek: Whatever.  Atimnie has selected Rhymes With Orange for $800.  The question is: This orange-colored fruit rhymes with the word orange.  [ RedlegRick buzzes in ]  RedlegRick.

RedlegRick: Pomegranate?

Derek: Does pomegranate rhyme with “orange”?  No.  Somebody else?

RedlegRick: Damn.  [ buzzes in again ]

Derek: Somebody besides Trigger-finger here, I meant.  [ RedlegRick buzzes in again ] No.  [ atimnie buzzes in ] Atimnie.

atimnie: Um.. door hinge?  That rhymes.

Derek: Door hinges are not fruit. [ RedlegRick buzzes in ]  I’m going to wrap the buzzer around your neck if you keep doing that.

RedlegRick: Schmorange?  [ Angelboy buzzes in ]

Derek: Angelboy.

Angelboy: Who is Derek?

Derek: Do I look like a fruit, you nearsighted twit? [ timeout buzzer sounds ]  The correct answer was “orange”.  [ RedlegRick buzzes in ]

Angelboy: Well, you asked for a fruit, and we don’t know what you and your boyfriend do at night. [ audience laughter ]

Derek: I was hoping you could tell me.  I’d be very interested in knowing that myself.  Let’s just move on to Final Jeopardy. [ Angelboy buzzes in ] What?

Angelboy: There are still points on the board.

Derek [ presses button on his podium, causing all the points to disappear from the board ]: No there aren’t.

Angelboy: Damn your eyes, Treb*tch!

Derek: Too late.

RedlegRick [ buzzes in ]: I second that.

Derek: How nice.  Anyway, the category for Final Jeopardy is: Characters.  And the question is: Write down the name of your favorite character from the show Daria. [ as the Jeopardy music plays and the contestants write down their answers and wagers ] All you have to do is write down the name of a character from the show, such as Daria, or Tom.  Even Burnout Girl, it really doesn’t matter. [ after the music ends ]  Time’s up.  Let’s see how you managed to mess this up.  [ goes to RedlegRick’s podium ] RedlegRick wrote: [ screen shows an outline of a hand with a bad approximation of Derek’s face on the thumb ] An outline of your hand with my face on it.  Okaaayyy.  And you wagered:  [ screen shows nothing ] Nothing.  Good, because that’s what you’re getting.  Next we have atimnie, who wrote: [ screen shows “ Lawndale High” across the top ] “Lawndale High”.  That’s a place, not a character.  At least you got the show correct.  And you wagered: [ screen reappears with “Fuzzy Wuzzie Weebits” written below “Lawndale High”] “Fuzzy Wuzzie Weebits”.  Riiiight.  Finally, Angelboy wrote: [ screen shows “Mrs. Johansen” written across the top ] “Mrs. Johansen”.  You have a bizarre taste in characters, but that is a correct answer.  I think we have a winner.

Angelboy: Don’t forget to read my wager.

Derek: Okay.  [“is Derek’s mistress” appears below “Mrs. Johansen”.   Audience laughs ] Not this again, dammit!

Angelboy [ laughs ]: The day is mine, Treb*tch!

RedlegRick [ buzzes in ] Damn you, Treb*tch, can I buy a vowel NOW???

Derek: I’m sorry, but that's all the time we have for today. Tune in next time for another heartbreaking episode of Celebrity Jeopardy. Goodnight. [ RedlegRick buzzes in.  Derek goes over and proceeds to wrap the buzzer around his neck VERY tightly.  Meanwhile, Angelboy buzzes in repeatedly ]

Angelboy: I fixed it!

[ fadeout ]